#theyve taken over my brain so bad... help me... they wont leave me alone... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sigmaoath · 6 years ago

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I have left the hell I was imprisoned in only to place myself in a prison that has become hell. There is no escape. I try to do right and end up in the darkness every time. Soothing words and cute cliche phrases that are the verbal comparison of a kitten hanging from a tree with an uplifting phrase fall deaf on my ears. I have tried. I have tried again. Then I tried again.

and again.

and every time it ends in a moment of success followed by much more failure.

I receded into the shadows and let others lead the journey but I see now that I must step forward and be the captain of the ship.

I cling to values and ethics but am quickly realizing the futility in this. I must tear the neck from those around me and take the feast I want from this world. Too long I have been “the nice guy” and overly patient. Too long I have allowed others to spit in my face. Too long I have listened to others tell me I am the bad guy or it is my fault when life chooses to batter me to the ground. Somehow it is always my fault. Too long I have sacrificed. Too long.

No more.

Nice guys truly do finish last. You cannot be “nice” and win a comfortable position in this life. What does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul? I do not want to lose my soul, but I cannot believe that to have that I must suffer horribly every single day until my final breaths. I cannot buy into the vision that God would play such a cruel joke. The joke of suffering sadness, loneliness, depression, financial despair, and struggle and being totally miserable during ones entire life just to finally reach the Pearl Gates and then be happy. I do not seek debauchery and indulgence on this earth. I simply seek happiness and the feeling of being safe and sound. The feeling of knowing I am financially covered, that I have a group of like minded people I enjoy being with as friends, and that I am truly living life to its fullest and making great memories. Nothing more than any of us want. Yet so many of us are denied this, no matter how hard we “try to do the right thing”. I am one of those. I always have been. I have fleeting moments of joy and brightness, always followed by crashing despair and depression. I have things happen that give me the false sense of “maybe things are finally turning around for me” and every.single.time. it is followed by failure and situation and humans who dash it to the ground with laughter.

So I’m done. I’m done trying to “be a good little boy”. I am not evil. I don’t seek harm on others. However, I no longer play by the rules and regulations forced upon me and ground into my brain all of my life. This time I have to do whatever is good for me. This time I have to go for what I want and leave everyone else in the ditch on the side of the road. I am not here to help. I am not here to be a hero. If it does not benefit me somehow, I am not interested. I always make everyone around me mad when I do anything. Now I do not care. I literally do not care what anybody thinks of me anymore. I have ALWAYS been a disappointment to others around me, so why should this be anything new? I keep trying to APPEASE everyone around me and it always ends in being taken advantage of, being spit at, being yelled at, and being cast out. So if that is the game and that is the way it is, then I will no longer take my beatings and just “try again the next day”. No. No more.

I am disgusted by society. I am disgusted by how humans act. The moments of kindness and love I see are always a drop in the ocean compared to the tidal wave of rotten, selfish, insensitive, and evil things I see people doing more and more every day. The lawmakers have gone insane. The world is changing for the worst. People have become nasty and vile little demons who commit the most heinous acts of villainy every single day and then broadcast it for the world to see. The world laughs, applauds, and shares it with others. It’s all a big joke to them. People are being destroyed and the world just laughs.

So while I do not seek to be EVIL by any means, I will take what I can from these people. I do not know how. I have no master plan of financial success. I have no path to changing how I feel and how I get treated. All I know is no more. It’s my turn to reach my hand in the cookie jar and TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. No more giving. I am taking. I have done nothing but give all of my life. Now it is time to be ruthless, cold, and driven to do what must be done. By any means necessary. Good boys don’t win. Good boys end up in dead end jobs being abused by their superiors because they know how desperate you are for a job to pay your bills and survive. They know they have you by the balls. Good boys end up in debt trying to stay ahead because they dont make enough to survive on, even if theyve worked as hard as they can and followed all the rules. Good boys end up alone with no real friends. Good boys end up going to sleep by 9pm on a weekend every time because even their partner isnt interested in them anymore. Good boys end up being forgotten in a nursing home because they ended up living an unspectacular life leaving no mark on the world. Good boys die with regret. Many will rail against this statement and call it false. They will give examples of good people that were successful. I can almost guarantee that those “good people” did less than savory things no one knew about to get an extra edge here and there in their climb to a comfortable place in life. Regardless, that is their life. Not mine. Kudos to them. It never worked for me. And all I care about now is ME.

i used to despise the “mememe” people. But those are the people that get the jobs. They get the promotions. They get the money. They get the awards. They get the free rides and winnings. They get the opportunities. They get the first place in line.

I have always given of myself and I always end up last. lost. disrespected. unappreciated. cheated on. cheated in general. laughed at. mocked. left out. held back as the toilet cleaning chump while everyone else is pushed forward to success with a letter of recommendation.

No more.

Yesterday while at work I finally just snapped. It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t even noticed. But in the middle of conversation about my situation, something in me broke. Usually I feel this way when I’ve just had enough, and I always come around later that day or by the end of the week. I felt it break this time. Whatever singular cord that remained that kept me a decent person just frayed and frayed and yesterday that final thread just quietly popped loose. I lost myself. Everything that I am is dead. It happened in a split second. I stopped the conversation, said, “it doesnt even matter”, and sat down. I took about 3 breaths and realized I was no longer the same. i will appear the same. I will still carry myself very similar to how I always have. I’m pretty sure of that. But I’m not the same. And no matter how much people are “worried about me”, this time I don’t care. OH WELL. People had ample opportunity to treat me decent and show me some common courtesy and respect. Don’t back pedal now that I’ve crossed over. It’s too late.

I broke yesterday and it changed me. I cannot survive like this. I wish a quiet and quick death every single day. I am not the type to bring it on myself but I wish for it. I see now that I am in the dark despair and hole I’m in for only a couple of reasons. One, I am sick and tired of struggle and that means I am tired of not having more than enough money to cover all of the pitfalls and problems that keep showering down on me. Secondly, I am tired of the disrespect. I am tired of being an outstanding human being who has given so much to others only to be pissed on and laughed at. All of my life. I am tired of working so very hard to finally do the right things and “be a responsible adult” only to have it go unappreciated when it is for others and marginalized when I announce my successes and goals reached. Truly, I have learned that most everybody out there are, well, selfish axxholes. I have been trying to please self centered narcissistic shxtheads. I have given and given and given to these parasites who will continue to take, take, take until they drain the very will to live from me. Because thats exactly where I am at. And if I dont change and become someone else, and walk a different path, I will be dead before long. I cannot take much more. I really cant. This life has been horrible. This life has been fleeting flashes of joy and happiness smothered by horrible situations and outcomes. People have become awful, gross, and disgusting things to me. I used to be so very outgoing and now I just want to shut the world out and have everything I need delivered just to avoid being in society. The ugliness of people has become a sickly, sweaty, acne covered, mucus dripping hug that wont let go when I step out into it. I watch people and I am physically sickened by how they act, how they treat each other, and how disgusting their mannerisms are. I am equally disgusted by how I personally get treated. So no, I dont believe I can survive here much longer if I don’t do something different. Because the old ways did not work. I am in pieces and have lost my will to live. I have lost my desire for hobbies, adventure, and laughter. I feel like the walking dead and the only emotion I have left is anger and rage. So no more. I don’t know how this is going to go.I don’t know “what to do”. I just know that yesterday I snapped and something that cannot be fixed and replaced broke. Today I realize I have to become a wolf among wolves. I have to fight my way to the front. No rallying battle music. No hero shot. No mighty knight overcoming his enemies for the win. Not that kind of fight. I have to rip the necks of those around me out. I have to do whatever is necessary to win. I have to start doing my own taking from people until i see what I want from this life. I have to stop worrying about other people and their feelings. I have to stop PROTECTING everyone around me. You’re on your own. Nobody ever reached a hand out for me when I was drowning (well, twice to be fair, but 2 out of THOUSANDS? Horrible odds.) so I am not here to save anyone else. Actually, most anytime I HAVE reached out to save others, somehow, yet again, I became the bad guy and people hated me. So sink for all I care. I am here for me now.

I will either win or I will die. One must come soon.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m done.

I’m finished with being nice. The line from the Batman movie rings so amazingly true to me today - “You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”. I cannot sum it up any better. We grow up wanting to be Batman. When grow up though and go through dealing with people and life - we really start to sympathize with the Joker.

“ The Joker: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.” I’m not crazy. I’m not “emotional”. I’m not a monster. I’m just tired of letting all of these “civilized people” eat me and my soul for their own worthless gains. Time to catch up and then get ahead of the curve. I have figured people out. And the result was not comforting or good. Humans are awful beings with sparks of decency, if at all. I’m tired of the bad guy always winning and I am left losing. I have zero agenda other than me winning. And I will take it by force if necessary. I will burn those around me if they deserve it (Again, I’m not evil. I’m not out to hurt innocent people). I will throw people under the bus. I will not be loyal to people who could care less if I died today. I am going to get what I can. I will be first in line. I will be first in life. I will snatch the candy from the baby if thats what it takes. Death to the paladin. It is time for the rogue.

I’m tired of being shxt on. No more.

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