#thinking about him... Tex Overclocked!...

[cassiefisherdrake]

What if you are the leader of a team and yet so incredibly, deeply insecure that you can lead them to safety against a threat that feels nigh insurmountable? And what if you exist in a video game where your decisions and actions could directly lead to the life or death of your teammates - nay, your friends? And what if you never knew this, but the player - the person who controls you and thus the fate of your teammates - did know this? And what if that player drove you to an end where you had to watch, as a direct result of your actions, all of your friends not just die but become empty shells of themselves, one by one ending up as nothing more than drones that you pilot around to win a war you started? And what if the self-fulfilling prophecy of your own insecurities (is it that? is it self-fulfilling if you are the leader and they are your doubts and you are making the choices but you are not in control of making those choices?) drove you to a grief so terrible and all-consuming that it literally deleted you from existence? Huh? What then?

[decreare]

because I commented on @titan-walls post on a s19/20 epilogue fic outline that got me thinking about the state of blood gulch, specifically Caboose, and my own ideas for an epilogue trip. Now out of everyone Caboose might be the most mature out of all them (this is slowly being flash-banged with loss so many times, not actual maturity), so he might see everyone moping, and try to do something about it. First is him cooking them all a semi-edible breakfast, second is him speaking to all of them in a more stern voice, third is stealing commands from wash and trying to do things like drills and such, all of which is overclocking his poor little brain. So I imagine the rest of blue team as follows: Wash is doing art, terrible, depression art of all the people that died. This wouldn't be so bad if Caboose didn't seem him crying while making them (and art is supposed to make you happy!-Caboose). Carolina is a "blood gulch hunter", meaning she goes around trying to find animals to fight but instead ends up in the caves, where she is constantly reminded of her past as a freelancer and with the Director. Mostly screaming in them all day. Tucker is just becoming Griff, with added lonely masturbation jokes. Simmons is probably pretending everything is normal, trying not to pin over his not-boyfriend and painting a sack of potatoes orange. Now after Caboose ask Simmons for leadership help in trying to drag Blue team out of being sad sacks (something that constantly reminds him of Griff) and some depression adventures, Caboose remembers Tucker has a kid. "Let's go see Tucker's alien baby!" (Maybe we can handwave that Sheila somehow became a ship and lopez her pilot, finally married, but still having to deal with all the idiots) so now rvb road trip, they visit Junior, Catch up with Donut along the way, an old bar that the freelancers used to visit and finding some of them ALIVE (and giving wash some advice on moving on), Carolina's old home which they all burn down, and finally Hawaii have Simmons talk to Griff kicking and screaming. Sister is there and gets turned on by Tucker being depressed. Throughout all of this Caboose is talking with the mental versions of his dead friends in his head so we might hear him speak in a pirate accent once or twice or pretend to be a girl. Standard Caboose fridge horror. I could see the end being them going to the moon to visit Caboose's family, and realizing that they all have each other, even if they can't be there mentally. Caboose asking if they all want to still go home and they find a new valley with two boxes in the middle of nowhere. The ghosts of Church and tex and all that died watching on.

[sharkface-daydreams]

rvb cooking headcanons because i love food and cooking and I know some of these people can burn water just by thinking about it (affectionate)

Blue Team:

Church (alpha): basic skills. can make easy mac and has definitely hacked together ketchup and hot sauce to make fake bbq sauce when they ran out like any frat boy worth at least half his salt. however baking mystifies him.

Tucker: almost the same boat as alpha, but I like to think he tried to learn to make a few things because of Junior. maybe some sangheili and human ‘kid’ foods like whatever their equivalent of mac and cheese is.

Caboose: the stove spontaneously combusts in self defence when he’s reaching for it. he’s very good at setting the table and pouring juice though. When left to his own devices (leftovers) he’ll do awful things like put maple syrup on his mac and cheese... and enjoy it.

Tex: makes church and tucker cook for her, not that she needs to eat, but because she likes to sit at the table or counter and heckle them about their lackluster cooking skills and watch them suffer

Kai: she could probably be good at cooking if she wanted to, but that’s a lot of effort, and why do that when you can use your good looks and charms to get stupid guys to buy you fancy dinners and champagne?

Wash: listen. I know this guy is white as fuck. I grew up with white as fuck family. I know exactly how this man cooks. It’s bland. It’s by the book. He underuses salt and sneezes every time he smells pepper. He’s capable of pasta, weird underseasoned casseroles with not enough sauce, and a select handful of crockpot recipes that are either really good, or really weird, or both.

Red Team

Sarge: he knows how to work a grill, and knows how to cook meat, eggs, and grits, and operate the fancy coffee machine he installed in Lopez, and that’s where it stops. Gets mad if you say you don’t like grits, and will make you sit and eat it until it’s gone.

Simmons: Thinks he can cook. He’s had to make his own vegan meals for a long time because no one else will actually substitute meat and animal ingredients. But that doesn’t mean he’s great. Most of his vegetable substitutions are approximations and his black bean burgers always turn out dry. He has been able to trick Grif into eating and enjoying vegan snacks, but only to turn around and laugh and tell Grif what he’s actually eating. Because the fun is in getting to see Grif’s angry face afterwards.

Grif: Knows how to cook, and cook well, but can rarely be arsed to put it to practice. One of those people who genuinely enjoys reading cookbooks. He’s pretty creative and scrappy, having had to make sure he and Kai ate alright as kids while their mom was doing whatever it was that wasn’t looking after them. Probably knows the recipes to various carnival/circus foods like funnel cake and deep-fried anything. He and Kai can spin up cotton candy into fancy shapes like nobody’s business.

Donut: Not so great at cooking, but is a whiz at baking. When he deigns to bake, the results are eagerly scooped up by Reds and Blues alike, sometimes resulting in ridiculous heists to get at them before the other team can. He cannot for the life of him make donuts, though. They always come out rough, with tiny holes that are overstuffed with glaze. Sarge seems to enjoy them, though.

Lopez: Hates the very notion of human food and digestion, and is resentful that his body houses not only Sarge’s overclocked coffee machine, but also a temperature-controlled snack storage accessed at his hiney. He has access, as a robot, to the entire internet’s worth of recipes and theoretically could cook some incredible things. But he will not. He refuses. The day he does anything nice for these assholes willingly is the day they’ll have to cart him off to the scrapyard.

Carolina: She can microwave water for tea and coffee, but has screwed up easy mac before. Has some memories of cooking with her dad at a very young age, and remembers the recipe to the dish they always had whenever Allison returned from deployment.

Asshole day at the skittle factory:

Dr. Leonard Church: Probably did most of the cooking. Allison was deployed a lot especially with the war starting. Let Lina do little things to help like stir cold things or count out ingredients for him before she was old enough to work with the stove etc.

Aiden Price: In general I can’t see this man ingesting anything except extremely fancy tea. I tried to imagine him having a burger and the fucker showed up with a fork and knife to slice it up. But if I had to consider whether he knows how to cook for himself, I think he’d put enough effort and research into it to ensure enough nutrients, and possibly would insist on cooking for himself to ensure he wasn’t being poisoned.

Agent York: Overzealous, insists he knows what he’s doing, consistently sets things on fire. Can whip up a mean cocktail though.

Connecticut: Same boat. Burns things but at least she has the cojones to admit she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Pretty good at cutting up fruit and veg for snacks though. Charcuterie/stuff plate queen.

South Dakota: hates cooking mostly because she was expected to learn as the ‘girl’ of the family. She retained the basic mechanics of cooking like meat and pasta and oiling a pan so things don’t stick, but won’t volunteer and will probably fight you if you ask her to cook. Prefers doing stuff plate nights with CT.

North Dakota: He knows how to work a coffee maker and do microwave popcorn.

Wyoming: Can bake, but will only do so to make things to eat for teatime. Everything's always more than a bit dry. He defends this by insisting it's supposed to be eaten while drinking tea to moisten it.

Florida: Average level of cooking and baking competence, but has a fondness for strange and unnerving culinary experiments he attempts to get the others to test. Most people know better than to try these horrors.

Maine: Likes meat and carbs, and generally doesn’t make anything else. Not real big on seasoning or flavor either. Better with a grill than a pan on a burner.

Iowa: Ovens fear him. They explode in self-defense when he nears.

Idaho: One of those people that reads cookbooks for fun. Has a “Recipes from the Forgotten Realms” cookbook. Isn’t always successful, but the results are usually interesting. Edible, at least.

Ohio: Stacks her PBJ sandwiches with a half inch of peanut butter. Occasionally adds bananas. The rest of the kitchen might as well be Sangheilios.

Doc: Has tried to learn how to cook via lessons and tutorials and memorize a few recipes but he usually remembers them wrong, sets the wrong temperature or time, stuff like that. Donut’s tried to tutor him but he’s just kinda hopeless. Offered to trade vegan recipes with Simmons but Simmons was like ‘nah.’ (O’Malley is only interested in making poisoned food.)

Extra Colorful Morons:

Locus: knows how to cook, finds preparing ingredients and following recipes to be relaxing. Is extremely particular about how his kitchen is arranged. Leads to a lot of arguments in red team kitchen

Felix: Felix? Cooking? Can u imagine. He knows how to microwave coffee and maybe slap a sandwich together. Either wheedles someone else (Locus) into cooking for him, or gets food pre-made from somewhere.

Sharkface: You didn’t think all that fire was just for show, did you? Fire’s a kitchen’s best friend. Spent some time job hopping after the Freelancers crushed him, some of these being dishwashing and line cook jobs, whatever was needed to pay bills. There’s something very satisfying about roasting food over an open flame grill.

Siris: Can cook some things, mostly things his wife likes and family recipes handed down. Not particularly skilled but what he cooks is made with love.

Doyle: This man screws up tea when it’s a mug of hot water and a teabag. Useless. (affectionately frustrated)

Kimball: Knows how to make a desperation stew out of snared game and local root veg. After so long in a civil war has to be reintroduced to the concept of enjoying food for flavor.

Dr. Grey: She’s one of those people who drink brightly colored drinks out of lab beakers like other people use a mug. Highly unnerving to anyone who visits her office. She knows how to cook of course, but what’s the fun of doing things by the book? Don’t eat anything she offers you. ANYTHING. Especially if she’s got that studious glint in her eyes like she’s going to document every little twitch of expression you make as you eat.