#this guy just COMPELS me in a way that i legitimately cannot explain to you

[invinciblerodent]

do you have any idea how obsessed I am with this fucking line right now

like I can't be the only one who thinks this sounds like it could be a callback, right? Like the words "cuddly Astarion" were said at least once before???????

[tomatograter]

Could I ask for your thoughts on Rose and her connections to the other kids? I think that Rose is one character that many people just boil down to "goth alcoholic lesbian" and it bugs me a lot, so I would like to see a different and nuanced analysis on her.

I've gone back and forth in answering this (or rather HOW to answer this) for a long while. I think Rose is one of the most crucial characters for Homestuck as a narrative, and she's incidentally always been one of my favorites. What i mean by this is that explaining rose is hard, in the way that 'summarizing every other HS subplot' is hard. Objectively, I can’t tell you why rose is good, much in the same way i can’t force you to like pineapple on pizza, but i can try to explain why *i* like rose.

So I'll try to start with a statement: Rose is a difficult little girl. She’s not sweet or compliant or naturally inclined to be motherly or comforting or even KIND, broadly speaking. She’s a cynic, a hater, and a proto-intellectual who wants to feel like she has already figured out everything that has to be ‘figured’ about the world. (Spoiler alert, the conclusion is “it sucks. Blow it to bits.”)

The things that upset her the most are the things she doesn’t know or cannot make sense of. Why does her mother act in such erratic ways? Why does she constantly debase herself in shameful displays of negligent rationality and responsibility? Is it all a game to her? Is this how all adults are, messy and unkempt and deranged? (According to Freud, whose’s name is certainly mentioned enough by Fellow Online TruthSeekers Of The Human Psyche to be considered the utmost authority in just about everything there is to know, no questions asked, the response is “i guess?”) What the fuck even happened to her cat, anyway? Anybody got a baseline 101 on mortality? Does anyone know what the fuck is going on, ever? Is humanity fated to an automated cycle of dull incompetence??????

Rose hoards and utilizes even the most esoteric forms of knowledge as her shield, sword, and building blocks against the fog of uncertainty most people describe as ‘reality’. To truly know something is to rob it of its power and make it your own, ensuring you are not only safe, but impervious to any harm it could possibly cause. Her ambition and defiance set her apart even from the other betas, who wanted to follow the rules and invest in teamwork. Where jade is whimsical and vaguely helpful in a informative tutorial pixie-like way, rose’s advice is delivered via sarcastic remarks and looking for cheats by conversing with the devil. She antagonizes the patronizing questline she's been given in favor of ripping SBURB a new one. Rose is firstly concerned with improving herself, and then maybe sort of (kind of, nothing is settled on stone, what happens, happens) pass it onto her own if they REALLY cant figure it out. There’s a sense that she would sacrifice just about anything to granted the ultimate form of knowledge, the appropriate response and middle-finger to anything, and she hungers for it, which proves to be a little self-destructive. 

Except as much as she wants to put up a veneer of detached, individualistic intellectualism, she still cares far too much for the simplest human accomplishments. She cares for her friends. She envies the lives they've led, and they sound so intriguing when compared to her sterile routine. Her pet cat was once her biggest companion and source of comfort, and finding him dead crushes her. She legitimately would've liked to have a good relationship with her mom, which as we all know ends up more or less the same way. (I tend to disagree with most people who treat rose's living situation as 'pretty good/dramaticized', having a guardian who's almost never sober isn't a comedic or easy experience.) Her quest is borne out of insecurity, uncertainty, and stubbornly trying to prove herself right. Because somebody has to be.

Her faults are just as interesting to me as her qualities, for all the 'mean goth lesbian' talk the way she misses her mother and tries to reverse-engineer a connection with her beyond the grave by dabbling with the same poisons is incredibly compelling, and speaks to a side of rose's many people take for granted: she doesn't have all the answers. She's improvising. She's, like, 15 years old and trying so hard to come off as a badass but she can barely contain her wondering babble long enough to show up for an important date in time. Even in her self-sabotage rose is earnest.

This isn't the sort of narrative you usually see applied to women in fiction, or even when it IS applied, it is only to admonish their efforts and promptly slot them into a love-interest shaped hole. (Because yeah, rose being a lesbian and not falling for any of the assumed important guys does matter very much actually.) Even her turn to grimdarkness pulls from tropes reserved to epic gritty brooding male heroes- avenging her family, wrecking anything and everything in her path, Frank Castle Punisher style. I like rose because she's like matilda, if matilda went wretched sick at age 11 and took the first chance she saw to pierce an ogre through the eyes and ride its corpulent cadaver down a waterfall. She's an unrepentant monstress, cloaking herself in mythos that justify the existence of the unknowable and unjustifiable when rationality predictably falls short of truth, and a snooty little know-it-all who wants to create something so raw and important people will have no choice but know her name, and most importantly, she gets away with it. 

[firelord-frowny]

honestly like!

i HATE!!!! the very CONCEPT of guns. and i’m theoretically SO fundamentally opposed to violence. 

but that opposition is based on an idealist assumption that no one is doing anything that they need to be stopped from doing. 

and there are obviously a fucking hell of a lot of people doing a fucking hell of a lot of vile shit, and no amount of ~peaceful protesting~ or litigating or campaigning or Reaching Across The Aisle is going to stop them, and it’s fucking RIDICULOUS that anyone at all thinks people should just wait patiently for The Powers That Be to spontaneously manifest a conscience and finally quit trying to maim and murder people For Funsies. 

i would LOVE it we could just hug them into submission and invite them over for tea and chit chat and take their ugly ass hand and smile at them and show them that I’m Just A Normal Person Like You and have them finally decide to stop wanting me to die. and honestly, some people REALLY CAN be reached through those kinds of methods. and i don’t think people should stop trying to do that. and if anything, i think MORE people need to be trying to do that.

but i ALSO think that more people need to start punching some bigots in the fucking face. 

if self proclaimed conservatives and right wingers and proud wimpy boys get to go around committing terroristic acts against other peoples, and if the politicians and ceos they stan for refuse to take any actions to stop them at best, and at worst go out of their way to FACILITATE the suffering of all but bigoted, well-off white people....

then we should get to punch them in the fucking face and not have anyone say WORD ONE about it. 

they wanna be all big and bad and parade around threatening and committing violence against teachers and health care workers and black people and asian people and jewish people and indigenous people and women of all backgrounds, then they should be fucking tough enough to cope with a goddamn punch in the face every now and then. they should WELCOME every fist that ever collides with their flesh. 

if they want a fucking fight, we should GIVE THEM A FIGHT! and make sure they fucking lose.  make sure the pathetic little ~civil war~ they’re begging for is HUMILIATINGLY short. chase their fucking asses into the most barren, useless parts of the world where they can be vile all by themselves. 

bc i SWEAR TO GOD, the only reason why these people have any power at all to impact anything or anyone is because people LET THEM. not because they’re soooo smart, or they’re soooo dangerous, or there are sooooo many of them. it’s STRICTLY because an enormous majority of bare-minimum-decent people care more about Taking The Moral High Ground than about actually doing what’s necessary to disable evil people from doing evil things.

This is a hella problematic way to put it, buuuut

black people know not to do or say certain things to a cop because we’ve been conditioned to fear the consequences of even the most benign ~infractions.~ We swallow our fucking pride and whip out those “yes sirs” and “no sirs” and we move slowly and we try to keep our hands visible at all costs because we’ve seen, over and over again, for DECADES (centuries, really) what those people might do to us if our hand isn’t totally visible for a fraction of a second. And sometimes it doesn’t even work. Sometimes we do everything in our power to demonstrate that there’s no need to hurt us, and we get murdered anyway. 

WOULDN’T IT BE NICE if those wack ass bigots could learn to fear the consequences of being disgusting out loud and in public? 

Imagine if, over the last several decades, malicious bigots were met with SWIFT physical consequences every time they did some fucked up shit. 

do you think they’d be so bold now? 

i don’t. 

i think if they thought for one second that whoever they pull a gun on might pull one out back at them, then they would keep their fucking mouths shut and behave. i think if they LEGITIMATELY thought that they’re actual lives and their actual freedom were at stake, they wouldn’t say SHIT. Because they know that whether or not they have to wear a mask or get vaccinated or whateverthefuck has absolutely NO real impact on their place in the world. there is NO. WAY. that they would be all up in arms over something so fucking absurd if they thought anyone would actually try to hurt them in response. 

they don’t think anyone is going to show up at their dumb lil protests with tear gas. they don’t think an angry BLM activist is going to shoot up their country club in retaliation against the oppressive policies they support. they don’t think anyone is going to stop them on the street and start screaming in their face and threaten to kill them. they don’t think they’re going to lose a damn fucking thing. they think they’re literally going to just waltz into some of the most secure buildings in the world and wreak havoc, and that NO ONE is going to do shit about it. 

that’s the problem :) :) :) :) :) :) 

the problem isn’t that these people exist. i mean, it fucking sucks that they exist and if they could somehow cease to exist, whether by alien abduction or some sort of freak simultaneous lightning strike or WHATEVER, i would be THRILLED. but just existing doesn’t hurt anyone. Having a stupid belief doesn’t automatically make someone dangerous. It just makes them a shitty person.

But to have a stupid belief and to feel SO ENTITLED to acting upon those beliefs???

those motherfuckers need to fear for their safety. those motherfuckers need to be SO PETRIFIED that they dig themselves underground and bury themselves alive and NEVER resurface. 

i don’t understand how, at this point, with over half a million people DEAD because of the actions of these assholes, and with thousands of people CONTINUING to drop dead over it every day, the so-called “good guys” still don’t see fit to resort to drastic measures to render these people INCAPABLE of causing further harm. 

so many people have died. not just in the time of covid, but decades before that. so many people are murdered in the name of carrying out the pettiest whims of the most wretched people on earth. People get injured. People get poisoned by their own water supply or the very air they breathe. People get sick because they’re forced to live under unhealthy circumstances, and then they DIE because they can’t afford treatment for the illnesses they developed because of the unhealthy circumstances that made them sick in the first place! Children starve. Global warming sets people on fire and drowns them and destroys homes and lives and landscapes. 

literally, at WHAT point does it become acceptable to finally just declare war on these fucking demons? WHEN do we meet them where they’re at and start punching back instead of just curling up and trying to survive the attack?

i KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW that there are groups out there who are taking direct action in some form or another. but CLEARLY it’s not enough.

and i ALSO know that there are MANY PEOPLE who have the actual skills and resources to stage a legitimate countereffort, and they’re just. not. doing it. 

we’ve got all these vile-ass ~ex military~ types boasting about their arsenal and how they intend to use it to reign terror upon innocent people. these fuckfaces who are LITERALLY HOLDING PUBLIC OFFICE and saying Out Loud that they want to attack us. and their peers exalt them for it. 

you CANNOT tell me that there are 0 ~ex military~ people who are sympathetic to the cause of resisting these malicious bigots. you CANNOT tell me that there aren’t people in public office who know that something MUST be done, and who have the POWER and ACCESS to do something - even if it’s “unlawful.” 

but they’re not doing it. :) because they’re weak. :) and they fear for their lives in a way that ~the right~ has NEVER had to contend with. A democratic state senator knows someone might hunt them down and try to kill them if they say anything ~too radical~. a republican state senator is confident that he could literally call for the public execution of someone and be met only with a pathetic verbal reprimand from some spineless liberal congressman who bends over backward to be Respectful And Fair as they gently try to explain why it’s not okay to facilitate mass death in every demographic but their own.

can somebody with the actual power and means to do so PLEASE start doing ANYTHING to terrorize these people back to the bland, tasteless, spiritually bankrupt cesspit they congealed in? When one of these american terrorists brandishes a gun in someone’s face, can someone PLEASE brandish their own gun right back at them? THEY should be the ones who are too terrified to speak up. Not us. THEY should be the ones compelled to look over their shoulder. 

im so sick of a world where mass suffering and exploitation are accepted as Just The Natural Order Of Things. instead of a harrowing dystopia that should be burned to the ground quick, fast, and in a motherfucking hurry.

[crystalelemental]

So I finished Ephraim’s route in Sacred Stones for the first time since the game came out.

When I was young, I remember saying the same thing: I don’t like Ephraim’s route.  It just didn’t seem as strong as Eirika’s.  And I could never articulate why, to a degree where most of my friends would insist it was because I just played Eirika’s first so the complete deviation felt weird, even though Ephraim’s route was just as solid.  But I’m an adult now, and I like to think better at articulating opinions, so maybe now I’ll finally be able to express why I don’t like Ephraim’s route.

Part of it is Ephraim himself.  I don’t like Ephraim, I find him incredibly dull, and think he embodies every insult people want to throw at Micaiah.  Unbeatable in battle, unnaturally good at everything contrary to what’s told to us, the plot literally revolves entirely around him.  Ephraim’s just bland to me.  I think the best way to express this is to use a quote from someone who really likes him, courtesy of the only Fire Emblem fandom personality that I legitimately cannot stand.

Their take on Ephraim’s route is that: "Ephraim says he doesn’t pick fights he can’t win, but then he does pick a fight with Lyon.  Then the journey after that is his character arc, of accepting how to become a king.  He goes back to his kingdom a loser, and learns to accept that loss to become a better person.”

Problem: not a single word of that is true.  For one thing, Ephraim never lost a fight, because that would be a flaw.  Ephraim won every fight he was in ever, because “I don’t pick fights I can’t win.”  Ephraim, you are three guys, exiting a castle, surrounded by a moat, further surrounded by mountains.  Your only backup are cavalry units, and your enemies are mostly flying units, including a general so powerful that he injured Seth, your country’s best knight.  But oh no, he gets to escape.  No explanation, because you cannot possibly write a believable explanation for how that happened.  He just gets away because Ephraim’s just so cool.  So yeah, there’s no “learning to accept the loss,” because there is no loss.  To anyone, at any time.  I have no idea what they’re even talking about with “his loss to Lyon.”  My best guess is they just hadn’t played in a while and forgot.

If anything, Ephraim’s crucial flaw should be presented as being a fucking slacker.  They poke fun at it when they’re being taught as kids, but when war broke out, Ephraim left Renais to rush into battle, got his ass stranded, and wasn’t present to help Renais at all.  This is slightly acknowledged when they finally return to Renais, but only in the sense of “he’s back now and he’s better so it’ll never happen again!”  But (1) it’s mentioned exactly once, and (2) it’s not brought up nearly as often as Lyon being weak-willed, or Eirika “relying” on Ephraim protecting her, as flaws go.  Which is its own issue, considering we never actually see Eirika relying on Ephraim at all.  She didn’t actually need his help either time he showed up.  Nice to have, but far from saving an unwinnable situation.  We’re just told she always needs his help, because if she didn’t then Ephraim can’t be the cool twin who’s so good at war.

And that’s all that Ephraim is, and all he ever becomes.  There’s no “learning to become a king.”  He accepts that he’ll take the crown, but there’s really no reason to it aside from his penis.  He’s the prince, so he gets to be king.  Nevermind that Eirika’s route was more about establishing diplomatic ties, and that she’s by far the better leader.  Ephraim gets to lead because reasons.  All Ephraim does is charge into battles.  We get exactly two establishing scenes of Ephraim’s leadership qualities, both of which are around war and not actual leadership in a governing sense.  And get this!  They’re both with Seth, who, again, is their kingdom’s best knight. And guess how both scenes go.  You’ll never guess.  Ephraim’s either just as keen as Seth, or is presented as the one in the right.  Seth comes along as Ephraim’s advisor, but literally never has to advise, because Ephraim’s just so capable and good at this.  And remember, this is the hero who never read a fucking book.  Who copied all of Lyon’s homework, and couldn’t be asked to learn shit in his life.  I’m fine with him being a strong soldier.  Hell, I’m fine with him even having a keen sense for combat due to practical experience.  But being able to keep up with or exceed Seth, who should be one of the best minds for fighting we have, is kind of annoying.  At the very least, allow Seth to have some role as an advisor, rather than just...nothing.

At no point does Ephraim really learn or develop in any compelling way.  He starts out great and ends great.  Any flaws the narrative presents are solely as a backdrop, they’re never reflected in the story.  Him being bad at studying and books never bites him in any way.  Hell, it never even comes up, save for flashbacks and a singular comment the Demon King makes about Ephraim being “poorly educated,” which was more a taunt about him not immediately guessing Demon King.  Ephraim suffers from exactly no faults ever.

This leads into the other big issue.  Lyon.  I do not like Ephraim-route Lyon.  At all.  There’s a lot that goes into this, but the short version is I actually think Eirika-route Lyon is more engaging, complex, and shows greater force of will.

Eirika-route Lyon presents as fully consumed by the Demon King.  His soul is actively being devoured, and the beast within is winning.  However, at certain points, Lyon takes back control.  Briefly, but he’s trying.  He fights back as much as he can, but it’s impossible to resist the Demon King’s control.  His motivations are the same in both routes, and largely comes down to a desire to save his country and his people.  He’s used the arcane arts to manipulate the energy radiating from the Sacred Stone that has the Demon King trapped within.  He uses it to heal people, and see into the future to attempt preventing disaster.  In Eirika’s route, the Demon King expresses more of the unresolved feelings for Eirika, and his inadequacy because Ephraim’s just so good.  So like...they had a compelling tragedy going.  I could absolutely believe a 17-year-old has inadequacy issues around the girl he likes, and that this would be an easy mark for an ancient eldritch evil.  But the fact that it has to double back to Ephraim pisses me off.  But we’re talking about Ephraim-route Lyon, so that’s enough paraphrasing her route.

Ephraim-route Lyon seems to present just as himself.  On the surface, this seems like Lyon is showing greater willpower and resolve, right?  He’s in control!  He’s going to use the Demon King’s power to save Grado from impending disaster!  That’s way more impressive, right?

Well, not really.  Considering that Lyon acts in control, but is ultimately just going about this like a nitwit.  Complaint #1: Lyon doesn’t act as in-character in this route.  Ephraim even acknowledges it.  Lyon’s peaceful, he’d never instigate a war over this.  Like, this is an Edelgard move, not a Lyon move.  But here we are, being told that Lyon, of his own will, started this war.  Why?

Complaint #2: Because Vigarde sucks, for a start.  In the last flashback, Lyon is talking to his dad, and expresses uncertainty about his ability to rule.  Again, great in for the Demon King.  But Lyon’s actually on this one.  A major disaster was foreseen, and they need outside aid for their people to survive.  Vigarde says Renais would never aid them, because they need to put their people first.  There’s a bit of interesting consideration here, in that Renais, a smaller nation, probably can’t take in all the refugees that Grado would have.  But like...Renais is friendly with Frelia, who could be persuaded to help.  Rausten is all about charity like this, as the religious epicenter of the continent.  What the fuck are you on about, Vigarde?  Pinning literally all of this on Lyon to find a solution isn’t just cruel, it’s stupid and wrong.  Get it together, asshole.  How did you manage to not lead Grado into the ground?  Was it hard to teach yourself to breathe through your ass, or is that natural talent?

Complaint #3: Lyon’s motivations are all over the place.  This starts because he revives Vigarde, and this breaks the Sacred Stone, creating the Dark Stone that houses the Demon King.  Okay cool, this is when the possession starts.  But remember, they’re presenting this like Lyon’s in control.  After this point, Lyon still takes leadership.  He still makes the commands, through his father.  And he instigates a war.  Why?  Well, they never really say.  One answer is envy of Ephraim, and a desire to beat him.  The other is self-sacrifice.  He talks with Knoll about some documents that allegedly allow him to circumvent the foreseen history, and it involves human sacrifice and great magical power.  He plans to use the Demon King’s power and his own sacrifice to accomplish this.  But that...doesn’t explain the war.  You could just kill yourself on your own time, dude.  Like, hidden motivations include saving your people, but all of this was the worst possible method.  If you anticipated latching on to other nations after your death ends the royal bloodline, then your people are now reviled for being instigators in a completely meaningless war.  They’re less likely to get help than ever.  If it was to conquer territory for them to move to before the catastrophe, then why self-sacrifice at all?  The war now has a point, but nothing else does, because you’d have accomplished your goal through the war.

So basically, if Lyon’s in control, there are two possible motives for the war: showing off to beat Ephraim, or a pre-cursor to your self-sacrifice for some reason.  Either way, it’s super shitty.  Like really, what’s your motivation for enacting continental warfare?  Complete disillusionment regarding mankind’s right to rule, and seeking to end strife through complete subjugation by another species that (allegedly) doesn’t feel the emotions that lead men to folly?  The belief that war is inevitable and that living beings cannot help but kill one another for the most banal of reasons, and thus the most just course is to re-awaken their creator to put them all to an eternal rest?  Recognition that the structure of society is so bad that people are constantly suffering and dying, and decided to stand up and tear the structures out by the roots through bloody conquest if necessary, in hopes of a better tomorrow?  Or because your childhood friend’s dick was too huge and made you feel inadequate/you had to kill yourself and I guess this was the best you could come up with?

The more likely reason given how fucking incomprehensible his motivations are otherwise, is that the Demon King was always in full control.  That Lyon was never actually in command of things, but thought he was, even as the Demon King ate away at him from within.  This makes more sense, because it’s just...Demon King killing things for funsies.  But it also means Lyon has 0 actual agency, and it’s even more just the demon king.  In Eirika’s route, Lyon actually fights back and wrestles control, if just for brief moments at a time.  But in Ephraim’s, the only implication that makes sense is that Lyon never had anything.  He was never in control, and never even put up a fight.  He was just easily duped into believing that these were his conscious decisions.  Which makes Lyon a lot less compelling overall.

I just...I don’t like Sacred Stones.  I figure that’s clear, but it’s good to be open about it.  I feel like the game just tries so hard to make Ephraim the coolest thing ever, and every male character (except Seth) who interacts with Eirika is just obsessed with this notion of needing to be better than him before she’ll love them back.  It’s why I can’t stand Innes.  All their supports are is him being bullheaded and insisting that no, he has to protect her, because that’s how this is supposed to go, and he will be better than Ephraim so she’ll accept him.  Fuck you, Innes.  Though man, Lyon’s not much better.  I can at least sympathize with Lyon’s feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty about Eirika reciprocating, but the fact that it all boils back down to Ephraim again...god, neither of them even consider Eirika in this.  It’s all about Ephraim and your own dick-focused insecurities.  At no point do either of you consider Eirika’s feelings in the matter, everything’s about you you you, and needing to be better than Ephraim who’s just too cool I guess.  May as well rename this Toxic Masculinity: The Game at this rate.

tldr, Ephraim’s route sucks.  Eirika’s route is at least a decent tragedy, but sidelines its main character too hard to really feel like her route.  Lyon would be better off without Ephraim’s route.  The end.

[they-handed-me-the-moon]

Okay I’m gonna do the thing and just get my complaints with the show out, if you’re not interested in reading criticisms (half of which are just being attached to the way things were in the book) please ignore this, I’m going to say all sorts of nice things in a minute. Also please don’t rb this one. If we’ve talked before feel free to comment or disagree, if we haven’t please don’t just this once—I’m usually happy to have people jump off things, but I just got back and I’m not in the mood to start any Discussions just now. Cool thanks!

1. I’m not saying that the show going in for more angst and making some of the central characters more insecure and making Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship more tenuous and uncertain was *objectively* the wrong choice. I mean I could argue that it was but ultimately it’s probably more just different than right or wrong. But it did make me realize how much I had appreciated having a fandom that was built around material that for all its angst potential (which I also enjoyed) was so fundamentally cozy.

2. Yes I am of course going to take issue with Anathema and Newt. For the record I found Newt notably more likable in the show than the book, even if watching Anathema have sex with a guy she had shown no interest in just because a book told her to was even more uncomfortable than reading it. And there was more of a sense of mutuality in the show—partly because of Adria Arjona playing Anathema as genuinely liking and being charmed by Newt at times, and partly because Newt actually does offer her emotional support and contributes to decision-making at several points instead of only with the “do you want to be a descendent for the rest of your life” line at the end. And that’s nice—mutuality in a relationship is important! The lack of it is one of my biggest issues with their relationship in the book! What really gets to me here is that they got to that mutuality not through strengthening Newt’s character but by weakening Anathema’s—by making her more uncertain and insecure so that Newt could sweep in to support her. And look—obviously there’s nothing wrong with female characters having insecurities and needing support, like everyone does. But we’ve got an awful shortage of weird-looking female characters who swagger around with breadknives and bucketloads of well-earned confidence and decide to try and stop the apocalypse without being told because it’s worth a shot, and the fact that they seem to have undercut her confidence and independence specifically so that she would have to lean on the sub-par dude she’s saddled with as a love-interest reeeally rubs me the wrong way. (Shoutout to my brother for pinpointing this before I was able figure out exactly what was bothering me).

3. Okay and while I’m on the topic of Anathema, the way they played up the whole ‘professional descendent’ thing? Hmmmm, not a fan. I think I kinda get why they did it, (it makes her fit more neatly into the ‘people breaking out of their prescribed roles’ theme), but they make it into a sort of ‘chosen one’ storyline where she was ‘fated’ to help stop the end of the world, which is fine, I guess? But to me one of the central appeals of the book is a motley crew motivated not by duty or predestination but instead by love of the earth and plain old selfish, stubborn attachment to the lives they had built there going ‘okay realistically there is no way we, of all people, can keep the world from ending, but I guess we’re just gonna try anyway!!!’ Making Anathema some sort of prophesied savior sort of removed her from that narrative, and reduced the strength of that narrative thread overall.

4. Oh and I think I’m in the minority here but I also did not enjoy the kids getting stabby with the horsepeople. There were some great elements to the scene for sure, but that just didn’t feel good to me. The children felt a little more ... protected from enacting that kind of violence in the book, and while there could be legitimate reason for changing it, on a thematic level it also took attention away from the whole ‘power of human belief’ thing, so it felt unnecessary and weaker as well as harsher.

5. I’m not ... actually particularly bothered by any of the changes to Aziraphale? I mean don’t get me wrong I do miss him being a much more overt bastard who is comfortable in his own skin, who collects blasphemous Bibles and is rude to  customers and still walks around with his sanctimonious Holier Than Thou convictions because he is THE WORST. But tv Aziraphale is still a proper bastard, even if you’ve got to pay attention a bit more to see it, and I do rather like the way his softness is in itself framed as a rebellion against Heaven. So yeah, I think the changes they made worked and were compelling, and I don’t really have comprehensive complaints about his character. HOWEVER I did not like him indirectly killing the executioner. Having a scene where he indirectly but intentionally causes a death was a good idea in concept, but to my mind it was the wrong circumstances, wrong target, and wrong tone for the scene. Still, it doesn’t bother me that much because it just felt SO off that it feels kinda laughable and my mind just cheerily decided that the filmmakers were misinformed and that did not actually happen.

6. Crowley’s changes I’m having a bit of a harder time reconciling myself to, although I’m having a bit of a hard time pinpointing why? Some of the changes are of the ‘I don’t prefer the change but that’s more personal preference and attachment to my initial vision of the character than critique’ variety, like the ways in which his fear manifests less as anxiety and more as anger in the show. But if I had one central complaint (and this might sound weird at first) I think it would be the way that his world is reduced to Aziraphale. And okay, let me explain—I’m not complaining that their relationship was more emphasized in the show, which I actually loved, and also this is probably a bit hypocritical coming from me when 80% of my posts are about their relationship. The thing is, I find romances more interesting and compelling and moving when both parties have defined personalities and interests and attachments and character arcs outside of one another. And Aziraphale did have that—arguably he has a more defined and complete arc than in the book, in fact. And Crowley definitely has a defined personality. But besides the Bently, what does he love? What are his interests? How does he feel about humanity and the earth? Why does he prefer the earth to hell beyond ‘hell sucks’? How does he feel about his fellow demons? Why does he want to save the earth? Does he care about saving the earth, or is it really only about saving and being with Aziraphale? Idk, I’m exaggerating a bit here, and certain answers to these questions can definitely  be inferred. But I miss the Crowley who loves humanity in all its mess, who finds in it an alternative to the restrictive roles demanded by heaven and hell alike, and who has his own arc of going from knowing that he is harming humanity but not doing anything about it, to facing Satan with a tire iron because Aziraphale convinces him to face up to the harm he has caused and do something about it, even if the odds are impossible.

7. I cannot BELIEVE they took out Tim.

8. And I’m running out of steam here so I’m not fully going into it, but it did feel like the show lost a bit of its sense of the earth in all its disastrous glory. I mean, there are plenty of stories that compare Heaven and Hell, but part of what set Good Omens apart for me was the particular way it triangulates Heaven vs Hell vs earth. I haven’t read enough similar fiction to know if it does this in an especially complex or unique way, but what comes of it is this gloriously defiant optimism. The show goes further into Heaven vs Hell (which I enjoyed) but it felt to me as if the earth was a little (although certainly not entirely) lost in the mix.

9. Also definitely not a fan on how hard Crowley pushes for child murder as long as he’s not the one doing it, but so far as I’ve seen the fandom has chosen to collectively forget those lines in favor of ‘you can’t kill kids,’ ‘I’m not personally up for killing kids,’ and THE LULLABY, so I’m the end those lines aren’t anything like the disaster they could have been. Good going, folks.

10. There are of course big-picture things like racism and sexism and homophobia that are. there in varying degrees. Not necessarily more than average, though that’s an even more depressing sentence. But for some of those things I’m not the best person to dissect them, and for the rest I’m tired and I don’t wanna.

11. In conclusion I have a pithy line that encapsulates what I’m having a hard time adjusting to in the show, but I’m pretty sure the first clause would annoy one half of the fandom, and the second clause would annoy the other half, so I’m gonna to cut my losses and shut up now.

[akatokuro]

The Inevitable StS Rewatch, Episode 36

One of the most truly pressing issues in Saint Seiya canon: why the fuck is Milo like this?

- I SEE THAT SAGA SENSED THAT AIOLOS WAS TAKING A BATH, SO HE FELT THE NEED TO JUMP IN TOO! and thus a meme was born

- Uhhhh, Saga? I know you probably had a crush on Aiolos at all, but... really, dude? ????????

- AND HEEEERE HEEEEE ISSSSSSSS

- Milo's ridiculous ego is on full display the second he opens his fucking mouth. No "what's going on, Pope?" or "How may I serve you?" but "WOW, POPE, FOR YOU TO SUMMON A GOLD SAINT! (DID I MENTION I'M A GOLD SAINT, BECAUSE I AM.)

- MILO. ALL HE FUCKING DID WAS ASK IF YOU KNEW ABOUT THE SITUATION. What is the need for you to add "heh, not that I care, since I'm so awesome, just so you know!" Yes, a lot of Gold Saints have pretty overinflated egos - yume and I actually thought about it, and we're pretty sure Camus is just about the ONLY one who doesn't pull some form of smug "heh, a Bronze trying to fight a Gold? lmao, and also, rofl" but Scorpio Milo is... something else.

- Ikki working for Sanctuary at first still feels really weird and ill-fitting. Well, fortunately, it's not really dwelled on that much, so it's easily ignored! That's one of the good things about there being no real Saint Seiya canon... <_<

- In a way, though, it is certainly fitting that Milo's scene here is our first proper introduction to a "Gold Saint", because Milo certainly thinks he is THE Gold Saint in a lot of ways. It drips from the way he responds to everything. "Measly Bronze Saints, they must be crazy, lol!" It's actually really interesting to think he was originally planned to be Hyouga's master. Like, in some ways that really fits - Smugswan had to get the smug and the overinflated sense of ego from somewhere, and it sure as hell wasn't Camus!

- It's also sort of interesting because Kurumada pulled the switcheroo on the basis of "oooh, ice/water themed signs, oooh!" But even at this stage, Milo definitely has a very, very different personality than Marshmallow Saint Camus. What would he and Hyouga's hypothetical encounter have looked like, really...?

- I'm not trying to imply, by the way, that Milo's sense of egotism is solely about straightforwardly boosting himself up - because it's not. It's intertwined with his perception of Saint honor and what it means to him to embody that, which becomes clear in how he deals with Camus, Hyouga, and Kanon respectively later on. It's also intertwined with a negative five thousand debuff to his intelligence stat, but, you know.

- I love Saga just sort of ignoring Milo going WHAT? A BRONZE BEATING A SILVER? RIDICULOUS, I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING! and continuing to exposit. Saga, why the fuck did you summon Milo of all people here to deal with this in the first place? I mean, not only would leaning on Aphrodite, Deathmask, or even Shura make infinitely more sense, but... it's fucking Milo. Did your bath-bonding with Aiolos rattle your judgment temporarily?  

- And right back at him, Milo basically brushes aside poor Saga's exposition to go "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY BOTHERING THE GREAT KONO MILO WITH THIS BULLSHIT, POPE? REALLY??? KONO MILO, THE GOLD SAINT???"

- Saga begins to realize his terrible, terrible mistake and cuts off Milo in the middle of his bitching, but Milo ignores him to continue whining.

- See, it'd be one thing if Milo suggested that the situation bore more investigation, or perhaps these Bronze Saints were being misled so they shouldn't be so fast to jump to the execution option, but no. It's all about his fucking pride.

- Saga is getting so edgy and short at this point and oh my god I cannot believe Milo is still fucking trying to argue with him THIS IS THE FUCKING POPE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

- Like, yume and I utterly lost our fucking minds at Milo blowing off Athena to haze Kanon when we were re-watching the Hades OAVs, but oh god it is extremely fucking consistent with this characterization here

- Poor Saga. "LOOK, THEY HAVE A FUCKING GOLD CLOTH, OKAY!?!? JESUS CHRIST WHY THE FUCK DID I NOT GET APHRODITE TO DO THIS"

- okay okay i know it's because lol seat of the pants kurumada making shit up as he went along and was promptly retconned out because it makes no sense but i will never stop laughing at milo being shocked that there are twelve gold saints. WHAT??? NOT JUST SCORPIO AND SAGITTARIUS???? WHO WOULD HAVE EVER GUESSED???? THEY COME IN, LIKE, A SET????

- Kanon pretending he's Sea Dragon is the funniest moment in Saint Seiya, but Milo's spectacular intelligence debuff is also a consistent point of hilarity.

- Shaina's crush on Seiya might be, like, one of my least favorite things in StS seriously. It's so unnecessary and it IS basically a pitch-perfect example of that "behind the ruthless, frightening female warrior lies ~the soft heart of a woman~ that only the dreamy male protagonist can truly uncover!" trope that I fucking despise with all my being.

- yume and I were cracking the fuck up to discover that the Tencent version of this sequence has Seiya bringing up the Saintias when Shaina explains the mask issue. Like, my issues with Saintia Sho as a series aside, that's just really adorable.

- The mask issue in general... there are really interesting things that you could do with it, both for Sainthood in general and for Shaina as an individual (the vibe I get is that Shaina takes it unusually seriously, even though it is accepted as a general rule) since it feels like sort of a mark of sexism that would be a part of an old, traditional, religious order - but I can't say I'm a fan of any attempts so far in the series to "address" it. Omega was a thing, and that thing was Bad.

- "Kill or love" is pretty bullshit, though. How about "kill or be expelled from Sanctuary"? I also don't really like Seiya being all "what, is that the only reason?" when he thinks it's about humiliation/pride - like, what's wrong with that? It makes sense with how Shaina has been characterized...

- this flashback is so fucking stupid

- OH NO, SEIYA, YOU SAW ME PET A RABBIT WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID AND I WAS A TEENAGER AND THUS YOU HAVE UNLOCKED MY SOFT WOMAN'S HEART! I bet Seiya fucking tried to jump a high bar, too, as every single woman from the Fate franchise happened to be strolling by?

- Like, Shaina, did you fall in love with this little kid who talked down to you then or... because uhhh...

- Also, like, yeah, it's Saint Seiya, and "pulled things out of my ass" and "retconned" are the name of the game, but come on, there was no indication of this kind of past in all the screentime Shaina has had up until this point. Wasn't her grudge against him regarding Marin and Cassios and being defeated by him in battle enough? Do we really have to enforce her ~femininity~ that Seiya ~exposed~ too? Ugh ugh ugh.

- Whatever, I really do like Shaina, this garbage aside. It's just a shame we fell back on this dumb trope of all things to justify her transition into one of the good guys when it was wholly unneeded.

- Aaaand we're back to Milo and Saga. I love how the framing of this episode implies that Saga has been sitting there having to explain things very slowly to Milo all fucking day. Gonna need another bath to unwind after this shit, Gemini.

- HAVE I MENTIONED, POPE, THAT I AM A GOLD SAINT, AND THUS I AM AMAZING? I'M NOT SURE YOU KNEW. LET ME MENTION IT AGAIN. I'M A GOLD SAINT, BY THE WAY.

- And Lia enters the scene!

- Okada made this an explicit issue in Episode G, but the contrast between fully-decked-out-in-his-Cloth "have I mentioned in the last five minutes that I am a Gold Saint, preen preen" Milo and Lia--who strolls in WITHOUT his Cloth, just his regular training clothes - is really striking.

- Milo's face when Lia comes in... hmmm...

- I don't think Saga, like, actively made a point of or went out of his way to play ~mind games~ with Aiolia or anything, but this is definitely a deliberate passive-aggressive diss. The kind you would give when it's like, ah yes, I ruined this kid's life, let me just innocuously twist the knife a little here...

- You really can understand why Aiolia is as fucking mad and as fucking repressed as he is, from the dressed-up hostility coming from both sides in this whole amazing shitstorm.

- This is... an amazing moment. "What if I still wanted Milo to go?" "Eh, I'd kick his fucking ass." And Milo's EXCUSE ME!?!?! reaction lmfaooooo

- You can just sense the stony bitterness coming off of Lia here, though? This is a dangerous game to play, considering the whole rule about "no duels between Saints." Just the sheer dismissiveness of it, too. Just as Saga gets in his passive-aggressive digs against Aiolia, Lia gets his in against... Milo, lol?

- And Milo starts trying to argue with the Pope AGAIN and Saga finally just tells him to shut the hell up. Saga confirmed for legitimately impressive patience honestly.

- God, and Lia just leaves once he gets the confirmation. I LOVE that Aiolia went through this whole thing since coming in without saying a single fucking word to Milo or sparing him more than a glance. Please, just ask this man about his opinion of Scorpio Milo, I’m begging you.

- MILO FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

- And Saga is the one who points out that, BECAUSE of his history and his relation to Aiolos, he has a compelling reason to work on this case in particular. Milo just stops at HOW COULD YOU RELY ON HIM HE HAS TRAITOR'S BLOOD. The intelligence debuff is real.

- But, yeah, you can tell Lia has cause to be as cold, dismissive, and passive-aggressive towards Milo as he was. They... they do not have a good relationship.  

- It legitimately boggles my mind how there is a weird semi-common fanon about Milo and Lia being close friends, or Milo being this great guy who was so supportive of him. I've run across it multiple times in my hunts for cute fanart or interesting discussion, and I feel like I'm staring at an incomprehensible alien entity every time. Like. Where did you get that. How did. The characterization we get from both of them indicates the exact opposite. I would not be remotely surprised if Aiolia, as bitter and angry as he truly is, is going to hold a grudge against Milo until the end of time, long after Milo has forgotten about it.

- Rather than being his friend, Milo is literally the ONLY Gold Saint we see actually giving Aiolia shit for being a traitor's brother. Like I mentioned back in the Silver Saint scene with Aiolia, yume and I actually talked about this - since she is a raving Aiolia fan and all - about the possible sources of Lia's torment from his peers. The shitty Silver Saints, yes, and Deathmask, yes, because he's actively malicious in general, but he wouldn't be rubbing it in because he actually cares or thinks Lia having "traitor blood" actually means something. MILO sure does, though!

- Milo is prideful, often in shallow ways, and incredibly overbearing about that pride, thinking he has the right to lecture and judge and override others, including Athena herself. There is like literally no question in my mind that he is friends with Camus because Camus is basically the only person who knows him who will actually tolerate him.

- Milo: "Hmm, lots of people don't trust the Pope, and no one has seen his face. WHAT COULD IT MEAN??? welp back to my temple wonder what camus is up to"

- "Brother, I will make up for your sin, even if I have to sacrifice my life!" with a thousand-yard stare. Aiolia, you really, really need some therapy, badly...

- Man, I was gonna cover more episodes with this writeup, but it ends up I had a lot of ranting bottled up about GOD MILO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. Oh well. Next time, Aiolia continues to have serious, serious psychological problems! A good time is had by all!

[operationrainfall]

Title Furwind Developer JanduSoft Publisher JanduSoft, Boomfire Games Release Date June 27th, 2019 Genre Action Platformer Platform Vita, PS4, Nintendo Switch Age Rating E for Everyone – Fantasy Violence Official Website

I should start this review by saying I’m a fan of games like Furwind. That is important to note, since in many ways this review will read as an autopsy of sorts. That’s not cause I hate the game. I’m a big fan of indies. But just because I enjoy them doesn’t mean I’m not critical of them. That goes double when I see all the potential a game has, and feel it’s not realized. So let’s start out with what Furwind does right before I have to delve into its many missteps.

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The game starts with a lovingly narrated introduction amidst illustrated pages from a book. It tells the tale of a dark force locked away years ago that is fighting back to the world of life, corrupting the natural order. Pretty standard stuff, but nothing bad either. You play a young fox named Furwind who must fight against the rising evil while helping the inhabitants of the forest world you live in. At first I actually thought that Furwind was a metroidvania, since you have a double jump and dash move to traverse your environment, but it’s really more of a platformer adventure game.

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Furwind is broken up into 3 separate chapters with a handful of levels each, as well as optional challenge and rescue missions. To play those, you first need to unlock both in the standard stages. The following are the only types of standard stages you’ll come across – forest stages, fiery ruin stages, dark caverns and temple chase stages that grants you a new ability. You’ll get an ability in each chapter, and to make those challenging you’re stripped of your other obtained abilities while you beat these chase stages. For example, you’ll get an aerial dash ability which would have helped make those chase stages much simpler, but sadly you’re restricted to lateral movement and your double jump. I consider myself good at platformers, and I still had a rough time with some of these. While the difficulty does ramp up in each chapter, I was a bit disappointed by the lack of stage variety. I would have loved more, cause while what’s here is fine, it does start to get stale pretty quickly.

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In the standard stages, your primary goal is to find both pieces of the golden Totem needed to unlock the stage exit. Each one is protected by a Guardian, ranging from a primal cat warrior to a snail-riding archer to a hive full of insects to a boar wizard. There’s some cool ideas here, but unfortunately in any given level whichever Guardian you face the first time will be the same one you face the second time. I suspect the reason for this is a lack of budget more than a lack of creativity, but it was disappointing nevertheless. Once you’ve faced a Guardian once, you know exactly how to beat them next time, and only rarely do they get armed with new tricks.

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Your other goal in every stage is to collect as much loot as possible. Colorful gems will be strewn throughout each stage, and many foes will drop them when defeated. You use these for buying upgrades to your skills and stats from the Mystic Shop run by Korvo, who is the first citizen you rescue. That’s all good and well, but there’s a couple problems. One is that you don��t just need currency to unlock upgrades, you need it to activate checkpoints. Each stage has a couple of them, and every time you use them they cost more. I tried not worrying about using them, but the more frantic the game gets, the more I was forced to. This meant I had less cash to spend on upgrades, which was annoying since there are a ton of them and most of them are necessary. You’ll need to buy more starting health, for example, as well as increasing your stamina meter.

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Yes, you heard me right, Furwind has a stamina meter. While it doesn’t govern things like your abilities (which are limited use anyhow) or double jumping, it sadly governs your only physical attack, which is a short tail swing. What that means is if you’re surrounded by foes and are smacking your tail around, you’ll eventually get winded and be defenseless til your stamina recharges. That is a feature no platformer needs, as it just feels like an artificial way to increase the difficulty. Further compounding things is that your other attacks are basically useless. Early on you get Seed Bombs you can toss at foes. Unfortunately, they don’t explode on contact, so you need to be the exact right distance away to have them explode in enemy faces. They also seem to do less damage to foes than your tail swing. Now, to be fair you mostly use Seed Bombs to destroy certain blocks to progress, but it felt like a real missed opportunity for them not to double as a versatile attack alternative. You’re also only able to hold 3 of them at a time, which makes them even harder to justify using except when you absolutely need to. Other than that, you get a Will of the Wisp that will rotate around you and fire projectiles with minor homing capacity, but these were equally underwhelming.

More Furwind on Page 2 ->

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I’ve explained the basic flow of levels and combat, but any platformer lives or dies by its platforming. At first I thought Furwind was doing well in that regard, but that belief didn’t last long. For example, I liked how you start out with a double jump in the game, but quickly realized its early inclusion meant that it felt less necessary. You’ll find lots of things just out of reach, even with your double jump. Instead they often require you to get to a higher vantage point and then dash over to them. Also bad is that after your second jump, your landing feels a bit slippery. I’ve fallen off blocks right after landing on them, which is problematic. It was also frustrating that most all of your abilities cannot be used while in midair, with the exception of the aerial dash. This hurts the flow of the exploration badly, and made the game feel clunky and awkward. Platformers need tight controls, and Furwind was spongy at best.

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Despite those problems, the exploration does have its bright spots. The Ruin levels have lots of fiery mayhem I enjoyed, and a sort of ancient version of Simon you need to beat to unlock the Totems. I also found the dark Cavern levels compelling, since you needed to keep a bunch of glowing fireflies around you otherwise you’d get devoured by the red-eyed creatures hiding in the darkness. There were legitimate cool ideas here, which again makes me wish for more level variety. Give me some underwater levels or ones set in the clouds. Introduce new mechanics that require your abilities. Instead, things just don’t really grow that much, especially since only one of the abilities you obtain provides a new way to explore. The others are just a healing skill and the aforementioned Will of the Wisp.

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What really brings the game down was the aggressive enemy AI and uninspired combat. Whenever a foe finds you, they’ll rush your way, even if they’re a screen away. This is problematic for the tiny flying enemies that can pass through terrain, such as teeny bats, red floating eyeballs and wasps. They will wander at you out of nowhere and will often interrupt you, knocking you out of a jump. It’s especially bad when there’s a swarm of them. And keep in mind, that stamina meter and the limited range of your tail attack only exacerbates things. Not to mention, often when you break a box in your path, a foe will spawn from it and charge you. And while I do find all the main boss fights interesting and different, none of them let you directly attack the monsters. Instead you attack things around them, which is far less satisfying.

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Before we move onto the last part, let’s touch on the art and music design. I still love the pixel art in Furwind. It’s colorful, complex and charming. While I wanted more enemy variety, the ones here all look different and have distinct behaviors. My favorites were the ornery shamans, luminescent giant grubs and the shambling purple goblins. Likewise, the bosses all looked sinister yet cartoony, which is a tough trick to accomplish. Musically, the game is equally great, with tunes well suited for such a quaint fantasy. I liked the grunts of goblins as they chased you and the sound of lighting and rain falling in the forest. Furwind is at its best in the aesthetics department.

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Now we have to touch upon the weakest parts of the game. I mentioned the narrated intro earlier, and while it sounds great, it also in no way accurately matches the text. The game has lots of grammatical errors and misspellings, and they become annoying quickly. And while I liked the sound effects in general, there are some places they’re beyond stupid. One is how Guardians mutter the same random words over and over, like how the snail-rider keeps muttering “snail!” loudly. Another large complaint is the use of HD Rumble. It’s incredibly aggressive and I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off, like in most games. And while I did enjoy some of the platforming, Furwind desperately needed a mini map. I got lost plenty of times in the large levels, and that’s never something I enjoy. But perhaps worst of all is that you get nothing for 100% beating the game. I finished every rescue and challenge stage, and got zip for it. I’m a strong proponent of everything serving a purpose in games, and thanks to this design these optional stages just felt like filler.

Better luck next time, little guy.

I honestly feel that Furwind had all the elements it needed to be a great game, it just put them together in the wrong configuration. Had this been a metroidvania like I thought, one with well translated text and more diversity of challenges, it would have been fantastic. Instead, we get a throwback to games of the past that felt awkward and disappointing. While it’s pretty affordable at $9.99, and I did get about 6 hours of gameplay out of it, it’s really hard to justify buying it at full price. I respect what I think JanduSoft was trying to do here, but it missed the mark. Here’s hoping they take this constructive criticism in the spirit it’s intended and make their next game a masterpiece.

[easyreview cat1title=”Overall” cat1detail=”” cat1rating=”2″]

Review Copy Provided by Developer

REVIEW: Furwind Title Furwind

[mrsspidermanmaryjanewatsonparker]

“Though Peter and MJ remained friends in the aftermath, they went on to date other people, and none of the subsequent pairings were intriguing enough to really wash the taste of OMD from fandom’s mouth.”

Hey genius can I let you in on a secret?

NO pairing is EVER going to do that.

You and a lot of other folks out there seem to think the Spidey/MJ relationship was merely the ship within the spider fandom that happened to last longest or be most famous.

It wasn’t.

Peter and MJ within the fandom, maybe within Marvel itself, are essentially along the lines of Lois and Clark now.

There is NO POINT pairing either of those characters up with anyone because there is nobody else better suited to them and there is no creativity to be had. The same applies for Peter and MJ.

We are talking about two characters who developed TOGETHER for 20 years BEFORE they got married and then developed whilst IN a relationship for 20 more years.

It’s a relationship that stopped being ‘optional’ for the franchise before a lto of people reading this were even born.

Because of this NO relationship Can be intriguing. Shit they paired Spider-Man up with BLACK CAT and that didn’t work because we crossed the point of no return so very long ago. You know how DC had to bring BACk Supermand and Lois’ marriage and handwave the bullshit with Wonder Woman? That’s because they crossed the line of no return too.

There is no ZERO creative reason for Spider-Man to be with ANYBODY else because we already know a) it’s doomed to fail because Marvel will never allow him to be with one person long term and b) We’ve already seen the best person to be his long term romantic partner and it was Mary Jane. Her  entire character is one big compliment to his character for god’s sake.

Why the fuck do you think there is even a Renew Your Vows book out right now?

“But what if instead of looking to the past, Marvel was able to introduce a new love interest for the wall-crawler, one that had the potential to make fans forget all about “One More Day?” Well, it looks like longtime Amazing Spider-Man writer Dan Slott may have found the perfect formula with Spider-Man’s current girlfriend, Mockingbird.”

***** please.

Spidey dating Mockingbird is enough to make fans forget THE WORST SPIDER-MAN STORY OF ALL TIME????? And ONE of the worst MARVEL stories of all time? People haven’t even forgotten he fucking CLONE SAGA and that ended 20 years ago!

“ It’s not uncommon to see Spidey involved in a team-up adventure with a fellow superhero, but he and Mockingbird displayed obvious chemistry from the start of their working partnership.”

No...No they really didn’t. Event he picture you posted, which by the way wasn’t from the start of the series, doesn’t display that.

If we were to be kind we could say it displayed standard cookie cutter quippy hero action banter which by this logic is enough to say that Spidey has chemistry with Captain America or Iron Man.

But if we were being less kind...the image LIERALLY calls out how Mockingbird is NOT laughing at Spidey’s jokes and cannot even tell if he IS joking.

That is literally showing you they DON’T have chemistry. God dammit do CBR writers even know how to interpret shit?

“What began as innocent flirting while beating up bad guys slowly evolved to Peter and Bobbi as a legitimate item.”

THAT ISN’T FLIRTING THAT’S JUST THEM TALKING! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU DUDE!

“Spider-Man and Mockingbird began without much fanfare, but they really seem like a perfect fit for one another. This is what Spidey’s needed for years to finally get over the lingering bad will left by “One More Day.””

Here is a challenge for the author and anybody reading this.

Why?

No seriously, give me SPECIFIC reasons with SPECIFIC examples about their SPECIFIC lives and personalities to EXPLAIN why they are the perfect couple as opposed to you just shipping it because it merely exists or for the same reasons people actually genuinely believe Spider-Man and Deadpool would make a good couple despite in canon reasons to the contrary?

Go on...I’ll wait....

“But one downside of their relationship was Peter always fearing for MJ’s safety.”

One downside of the relationship was danger, tension and drama the kinds of which police officers (a job being a super hero is equivalent to) has to deal with in real life, real life being the thing Spider-Man the EVERYMAN hero was DESIGNED to emulate. FFS.

“Mockingbird, however, is a superhero and super-spy in her own right. While Peter would no doubt have some of the same worries with Bobbi as he did with Mary Jane, he knows Bobbi has the necessary skills to fend for herself. ”

a) MJ owned a gun, knew some martial arts and defeated Swarm, Norman Osborn AND the Chameleon on her own b) Again...you are literally explaining why it’s more boring for him to date Mockingbird. Good job

“Plus, relationships between superheroes tend to make for more entertaining comics, scenes like the one below, where Peter and Bobbi trade crazy scenarios that only a fellow hero would understand.”

Peter could do that with ANY hero. He could do that with Black Cat even if he WASN’T dating her. Moreover again, knock knock McFly, Spider-Man isn’t SUPPOSED to engage in this fantastical stuff beyond just putting the costume on. His normal life is SUPPOSED to be relatively NORMAL so his romantic partner and him should not spend most of the time talking hero shit.

““One More Day” left a bad impression with Spider-Man fans, but Spockingbird is proving compelling tales can be told, not only with the wall-crawler having a significant other, even if it’s not Mary Jane.”

Meanwhile in Renew Your Vows where Spider-Man is MARRIED to a superheroine...who is also Mary jane even BETTER stories are being told a bagillion times more compelling mostly because they are working with 2 characters with an ACTUAL relationship and romantic chemistry.

“We’ll have to wait and see if Spockingbird has a happy ending that includes wedding bells for Spider-Man and Mockingbird, but until we get there — if we get there — it looks as though “One More Day” might finally be able to be left in the past.”

I repeat:

***** please