#this is leftover from school behavior I fear

[crushed-oranged-angered]

The urge to redesign my entire personality (read: Wardrobe and Home Decor) every Fall, what's that about?

[yanderes-galore]

Ugh, Panther I don't know what exact time you'll be getting this ask but as if now it is not the 2nd in my time zone. But I don't have any time tomorrow so I hope its okay to send something earlier. If not, please feel free to ignore!

I just need *sucks in breath and clenched fist* Yandere Gojo from JJK with the prompts 14. , 34. and possibly 35.

with someone who has sorcerer powers but has grown outside of the jujutsu society? They fight because they genuinely wanna help people and Gojo introduced them to the school to be a teacher too - in hopes to get another strong ally but uh oh he got obsessed. Like, he does not want to lose you like he lost Geto and maybe you'll grow to understand him too. so imo the prompts work well. Can either be platonic or romantic I think he can be both!

Thank you!

Sure, friend! I hope this is to your taste :) I really hope he isn't too OOC or anything. There was no plot structure here 😮‍💨... I just followed the direction my mind guided me.

He's a subtle yandere here Ig.

Yandere! Satoru Gojo Prompts 14, 34, 35

"It's too dangerous in the world. You need me, you should know that!"

"No one else understands me except you!"

"Don't push me away, dear... I only want to be closer to you!"

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Fear of attachment/loss, Trauma implied, Clingy behavior, Overprotective behavior, Controlling behavior, Soft yandere, Threats near the end, Dubious companionship/relationship.

It had been a long while since Gojo had found someone he could relate to in some way. The companionship wasn't quite what Gojo had with Geto long before... but it was close. You were strong... yet so isolated from the rest.

A familiar feeling to him.

Gojo could tell you were a strong Sorcerer when you entered the school for a job. As expected... Gojo wanted to test you to see if you were right for the job. By the end of your examination... you were approved.

Leaving Gojo curious and excited.

In Gojo's eyes, strong allies were important in the field. It's what he strives to find and teach. Strength has always been important to protect the weak.

Gojo at first hated how interested he was in you. Yet you were so mysterious... according to you, you never went to Jujutsu High to learn your craft. Which leaves Gojo baffled on your strength.

You aren't stronger than him, far from it, but you are certainly strong and full of potential. During your job, Gojo often checked in with you. Many students never really saw Gojo away from you for long.

He was always playful and laid-back with you. Safe to say you both get along well as teachers. Perhaps even too well...

Gojo realizes he's too attached when the worry starts to settle deep within him.

The bond you share reminds him a lot of Geto. Too much, actually. Such a thought makes him pained.

Gojo's concern grows, even as he offers to train you. You're a teacher skilled in your craft. Gojo really shouldn't be worried.

But... are you handling the new environment well? You seemed like you lived an isolated lifestyle. Does the city bother you?

Gojo despises the worries he has. All leftover emotions from when he was a teen. He... just can't help himself, however.

You always care so much for others. As a teacher and Jujutsu Sorcerer, you end up sacrificing whatever you can to see students and friends safe. It's honorable...

But Gojo doesn't wish to lose another he's close to... not when he finally feels he has someone who gets him.

Such behavior makes Gojo stick around more often. To the point you even begin to wish he left you alone. Despite being a strong Sorcerer similar to him, Gojo also seemed to treat you like you couldn't defend yourself.

You didn't respect him babying you... it was an insult to your skills.

"Don't push me away, dear... I only want to be closer to you!" Gojo whines, a frown on his face as you sit in your empty classroom. You snort, amused that he acts like a child while treating you like one. You have no idea what's gotten into your friend and ally as of late.

"Satoru, I don't wish to speak with you." You state in a stern tone.

"Why?" Gojo replies, walking over to lean on your desk. He's as casual as ever it seems.

"You've been awfully... suffocating." You admit bluntly. "I am an adult who can handle themselves."

"... not in this world." Gojo sighs, gaze never once leaving yours behind his glasses. He notices your unamused look and straightens his posture.

"It's too dangerous in the world. You need me, you should know that." Gojo frowns. "The city has way more curses running around than where you came from."

"I can handle them." You retort.

"And if you can't?" Gojo responds, staring you down. Something about his staring unnerves you. You're silent, Gojo oddly going back to smiling after you stop arguing.

"I'm the strongest, you should really just let me take care of things for you. It would be much... safer." Gojo's tone is oddly relieved and gleeful.

"... Satoru... you can't be there for me all the time." You try to reason.

"Says who?" Gojo frowns. "No one else understands me except you! Am I just supposed to sit back and lose you?"

His words and lack of composure surprise you. Gojo's quick to fix his sudden outburst, however, sitting beside you and holding your hand. It's an action of comfort...

But you can tell there's a pained expression in his usually playful eyes.

"... just listen to me, okay?" Gojo whispers, looking back at you as his grip tightens. "You'll be safe if you just... keep me close."

"Satoru-" You try to speak, but Gojo covers your mouth.

"I don't care how strong you are... I'm stronger. If you don't let me protect you..."

Gojo's grin turns... unsettling. A twisted show of teeth that makes it look like he'll snap. You swore he even chuckled. Your heart beats faster when he leans closer.

"I may just have to keep you all to myself no matter the cost... that way you'd be safe and I can't lose you. How's that sound?"

[d1strxct]

hi! i can't believe i only saw it now, but your ashe fic was so good, i really like your writing! im wondering if at some point the reader would try (keyword 'try') to retaliate,,, whether or not that backfires royally is totally up to you tho hehe ;)

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐩𝐭. 𝟐

𝐄𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐡 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐚 “𝐀𝐬𝐡𝐞” 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

a/n: *crawls out from underneath a rock* is someone out there? i know it’s been MONTHS since this was requested but it’s here! (if you’re still here, anon) i felt the need to write this now since i finally had the time (school has been kicking my ass) to scrap something together. it’s definitely shorter than my other fics since i was originally going to write headcanons, so i apologize for that. i have to get into the groove of writing again. as for the other requests, they will get done, i just don’t know when😔 either way, please enjoy 🙏

Several weeks had passed since your small ordeal with Ashe and there hasn’t been a day where she hasn’t teased you for it. From small pokes that go unnoticeable by other people to full-on scribbles on your sides, she never lets up.

And never seems to get caught either.

After an attack, Ashe quickly resumes her work and pretends nothing happened at all, sometimes asking if you’re okay to tease you. She has an innocent look on her face, and no one would believe you if you said she tickled you. So you just sigh and scramble off before anyone can become suspicious of your behavior.

One random day, you had a strong urge for revenge. Was she even ticklish? You had no clue. But there wasn’t any harm in trying.

That seemed to be a huge mistake.

It was a warm Sunday evening in the Deadlock Gang bunker. Ashe was sitting in front of her bike, using a rag to clean off some leftover dirt on the sides of it. Her back was facing towards you so you took it as the perfect opportunity for some well-needed revenge.

Just in case, you made sure no one else was around. And you looked for the nearest exit if she tried to kill you afterward. You quietly tiptoed toward Ashe, the sound of some nearby music covering up the fall of footsteps. She was so focused on her motorcycle that she didn’t notice someone behind her.

Quickly, you leaned down and let your arms fall in front of you. Your hands came near her torso and a finger from each hand landed on her sides.

Her reaction was immediate as she gasped and twisted around to see who was behind her. The piece of cloth dropped from her hand as she brought it up to grasp onto the culprit’s wrist. Her initial expression read as shocked and angry, but once she noticed it was you, she let her guard down a little. You swore you noticed the slightest hint of a blush on her cheeks.

She kept a firm grip around your wrist as she narrowed her eyebrows at you. You smiled nervously and tried to pull your arm away, your fear rising as you realized she wasn’t letting you go.

“You wanna try me?”

“I-I was just…wanting to know if you were-“

“Nuh uh. As for you though…”

Needless to say, you never tried to tickle her again.

Keeping the grip on your wrist, Ashe used her foot to kick yours from underneath you, effectively making you fall to the floor. With a gasp and a grunt, you landed on your back and shouted up at Ashe, who had followed you down and straddled your waist. She took both of your hands and put them underneath her knees so you couldn’t get out, a small smirk on her face.

Your eyes widened at how quickly this all happened, and suddenly the exit of the bunker looked miles away.

“Wait wait wait! I was just kidding! Lehet me go!”

“You were just kidding when you purposefully messed with me? I don’t think so.”

Ashe didn’t let you get another word out before her hands landed on your torso and ten scribbling fingers began to work at your sides. A squeal left your lips before loud giggles filled the air around you. You pulled at your wrists and shook your head, a wide smile forming on your face.

“Nahahaha, Ahahashe! Ihihi’m sorry!”

“You’re not apologizing yourself out of this one, Y/N. You’re not getting out until you’re begging for B.O.B, and even he won’t save ya.”

Ashe’s wiggling fingers continued to torture your sides. She used a mix of pokes, scribbles, and scratches to get all types of laughter out of you. The pokes made you flinch and squeal during each one. The scribbles got airy giggles and a wide smile. Scratches against the sides of your stomach made you kick your legs behind her and laugh loudly.

Her fingers traveled to your ribs and you threw your head back in laughter, pulling at your arms with all your decreasing strength.She prodded at each one and made sure to spend extra time on the ones that made you scream. Her fingers dug into your higher ribs and you let out shrill squeals.

“PLEHEhehease! I cahan’t!”

“You’ve endured it before. I’m sure you can do it again.”

The tease in her voice made your cheeks turn red and you sputtered out more giggles. Eventually, her hands slowed and crawled down your torso, leaving behind a ticklish feeling that made you giggle softly. You sucked in air through your teeth when she scribbled against your stomach.

“Now, if I remember correctly, your worst spot was somewhere around here.”

You gasped and shook your head quickly, your laughter rising in pitch.

“Nohoho don’t you eheheven daHAHARE-“

In an instant, Ashe’s hands dropped to your hips and she squeezed them mercilessly. Your shriek was the last thing heard before you fell into silent laughter. She smiled evilly and continued her torment on your hips.

She poked, prodded, and dug into them in random patterns, leaving you an incoherent mess. She knew from last time that digging her thumbs into the bones made you give in immediately, so after a few moments of doing just that, she let up. Her hands went back to slowly tickling your sides and you gasped for air, heavy giggles falling from your lips. You squirmed slightly and Ashe felt you quiver underneath her.

“So, Y/N. Did ya learn anythin’ tonight?”

You nodded your head frantically and giggled out an answer.

“Yehehehes! Nohohow let me goho.”

She tsked and prodded your hip again, making you cackle. She kept a hand on your hip, keeping you on edge.

“And what did we learn?”

“To-tohoho nehehever mess with yohou again.”

She nodded and moved her fingers back up again, letting them rest against your sides.

“And why is that?”

“Becahahause you’re too ticklish fohor your own g- NAHAHA!”

Ashe growled and narrowed her eyes again, hands running back down to your hips. Your screaming laughter could be heard from miles away.

It was gonna be a long night.

[jaylynn1318]

If you mess with the lioness’s cubs

Summary: you’ll sincerely regret it. In the past, When Drooper’s mom, Lesley, finds out that his first grade teacher was treating him badly, and the school refuses to do anything to stop it, the teacher learns why you should never mess with a lioness’s cubs.

Warning: swearing, slurs, bullying, bullying from a teacher,racism, ableism, bad teachers, encouraging suicide, mention of death penalty

——————————————————————————

Lesley just got back from one of her several part time jobs as a receptionists to make ends meets and provide for her three children Simon, Christine, and Justice, she was lucky her parents were available and willing to watch them when she was busy working. When she got inside, she saw her youngest cub Simon covered in trash, soaked in garbage juice, and crying in the living room. Lesley immediately ran over and asked what happened to him.

Simon: Ma-Mama!!😭

Lesley: SIMON!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!?!

Simon: It was-… It was my tea-teacher!!😭

That’s when Lesley heard that a horrible teacher named Ms. Hagknavs took a instant disliking to her youngest, ranging from dulling out extremely harsh punishment for the most minor things

—————————(FLASHBACK)——————————

Simon: can I go to the bathroom?

Ms. Hagknavs: you didn’t raise your hand, not only will you not go the restroom, *walked straight to his desk and whacked him hard on the head with her teaching stick* GO TO THE BACK!!!!

———————(FLASHBACK END)————————

Called him derogatory and offensive slurs like damaged buffoon, the defective Kitty, a broken Imbecile, a dangerous monster being the tamer names she chosen.

Forbid the other kids from playing with him, claiming that ‘he was a dangerous animal and should be looked in a cage’ and even encouraged and told the kids to bully him. Then, just today, Ms. Hagknavs forced the cub to stand in a dumpster and have all the other kids throw all their leftovers and other trash on him, ruining all the new school clothes that his mother worked so hard for them to afford. And all of this abuse on the first week of school, Lesley was rightfully very furious.

She called up his friend’s parents, who been told the same thing. Apparently, it was a pattern of behavior, with Ms. Hagknavs targeting that weren’t rich, white humans, or learned the exact same way as everyone else. That lady even said this when Lesley was confronting her on the phone

Ms. Hagknavs: Not my fault he’s *REDACTED*, that his father is a insane villain, and that he has a sister stuck in a wheelchair and a dirt poor single mother who isn’t married

Said the overweighted, bloated faced dirty blonde woman with a hairy mole on her right cheek who never got married, probably because both her looks and personality would disgust anyone who might’ve been willing to give her a chance.

Ms. Hagknavs: truthfully lady, the world would be better off if he was either never born or if he killed himself, his brain is warped so he has no reason to live anyway, you should put him dow-

Lesley hung up the phone before that b%#ch of a teacher could continue insulting her children like that. Disgustingly, when the mother was in the principal’s office, it turned out that the school was completely unwilling to take any action.

Principal Adrien Recreant: I think you’re overreacting, I also think that the best course of action is to take the high road and keep the peace?

Lesley: the high road?

Principal Adrien Recreant: we don’t have that many animals going to this school, and you and your family are lions, Mallerie is probably just she’s probably just scared that a lion is in her class, I’m sure if neither of you do anything, she’ll see their nothing to fear, and she’ll treat him nicely. You see the high road is-

Lesley: Wait-wait who’s Mallerie? An-and come again? What did you just say?

Principal Adrien Recreant: Mallerie is Ms. Hagknavs’ first name, and as I was saying, the high road is when someone takes a morally superior approach towards something, taking the most positive and careful course of action, and the most positive and careful course you can do is nothing

Lesley: pardon me?! A teacher, a first grade teacher, is bullying my son for brain damage and you want me to do nothing about it?!

Principal Adrien Recreant: Look, so far Simon is being a nice student, he just needed to turn the other cheek, she’ll be stunned by his kindness and willingness to forgive, that she’ll be sorry and everything will be fine

Lesley:…… are you stupid?

Recreant: excuse me?

Lesley: maybe that would work if Hagknavs was also a six year old in first grade, but she is what I assume to be a 34 year old teacher who’s targeting my son for things he can’t control, called him a *REDACTED* and told me on the phone that she thinks that the world would be better off if my little boy killed himself. And you want me and my family to do NOTHING ABOUT THIS?!?!

Recreant: Mrs. Daniels, please calm down! You’re making a scene!

Lesley: AND HOW ARE YOU NOT GOING TO PUNISH THE WITCH FOR TREATING HER STUDENTS LIKE THIS?!?! YOU CANNOT BE OKAY WITH THIS!!!!🤬😡🤬😡

Recreant: punish her?! Why would I punish a teacher?

Lesley: here’s a reason to fire her, she wants her first grader student to kill himself! Take her god damn license away since it’s obvious that she’s abusing it to abuse her students! And speaking of abusing kids!! Let’s also talk about the blatant favoritism in the classroom-

Recreant: ma’am please, we don’t need this nonsense, just ignore it, and the problems will solve themselves. And even if they continue, it would status quo by then and your son would probably even like the treatment😃

Lesley: YOU WANT MY SON TO ENJOY GETTING BULLIED?!?! THAT B%#CH FORCED HIM IN A DUMPSTER AND HAD STUDENTS THROW TRASH AT HIM!!

How did this man become a principal?

Recreant: ….*in a very condensing manner*honestly Mrs. Daniels, you’re making a big deal out of nothing and you should be ashamed of yourself

Lesley: *in an offended tone* ME?!

Recreant: Ms. Hagknavs isn’t hurting anyone-

Lesley: Did you just tuned out everything I just said-

Recreant: *raised his hand to silence her* and even if she is, it’s not like they matter, please Mrs. Daniels, just take the high road. If you fight, you’ll just make things worse for both your family and you. Besides, it’s not like he’s has a future anyways, so know with the whole ‘father is a insane ice villain and said father struck his head so hard that he now slower than everyone else’ even if the teacher is bullying him, which she’s not, it’s not like she’s hurting him more than his father did

After several minutes of Lesley processing the bulls#%t she just heard. Then she got up and slammed her claws into that spineless excuse of a principal’s oak wood desk so hard that she managed to knock over the cup full of pens and pencils over and displaced some papers and files.

Lesley: f%#k you, my kids deserve better than this awful excuse of a school🖕

And then left, ignoring the principal’s demands to come back and attempts to gaslight her into thinking that his way is best.

——————————————————————————

Without wasting anymore time then she already regrettable did, she enrolled him to another school, and while he wasn’t suddenly thriving, you know, damage in the brain, he was getting more help. While Simon was doing better,Lesley was buckling down and started to reach her fullest potential.

Over the next three years, she got a degree in education, which allowed her to get a job as a teacher, she specifically aimed to be a teacher for the disabled students, all while still raising Simon, and his sisters Christine and Justice as best as she could.

Then, after a few more years, she got a masters degree and became a leading educator in the district. Overtime, she became beloved by the community, and was overall very well respected.

Disabled students also loved, appreciated, and respected Lesley thanks to her unwavering dedication and kindness to them, which was probably because she had one kid who was wheelchair user and another who had a brain injury, so she knew how to handle and care for them.

Her influence was so great that other school districts that weren’t even in the same states that her district was in heard of her, started to respected her and took her opinion very seriously. Although that also could’ve been because she was a lion. Lions are known to be protective of kids, hardworking, and not to be trifled with when either serious or angry.

Of course Their were a few hiccups along the way. Like how Simon was nearly held back every year since his grades were so genuinely poor, leading to the same argument every year with his mom about his grades. It was thanks to help from friends, sister, and his mom (and one hell of a self-induced all nighter) He always barely managed to pass by the skin of his teeth.

Lesley: Simon we keep having this argument about this every year!

Simon: sorry mama! I’ll try harder

And there was accusations of nepotism since the leading educator in the district being a mother of three, and with Simon not being the brightest, but still being able to continue, there was some proof. Thankfully, it died down when it was clear Simon was trying, and his mother was making sure that he and his sisters were not getting special treatment.

———————————————————(47 years later)(present day)————————————————————

Simon, now going by his more commonly known nickname Drooper, was with his mom and his sisters. It was in light of Lion Ice’s death penalty and were having an immediate family reunion, with the assistant, in honor of the former patriarch before that blasted ice crown corrupted him.

They decided to visit and scroll throughout their old town before going to Matthias’s favorite restaurant for dinner when Drooper and his mom ran into and (after a few seconds), realized the awful old elementary school had shut down a few years after he left.

Reminder, Drooper was now is his early 50s and he hadn’t been in there since he was 6, the school was very old, and now was very run down due to no one keeping up maintenance since it was shut down. There was wood planks in places that was once the front door, all the windows were cracked, shattered, or just not there, the coloring of the building was once bright and colorful, was now very desaturated and grimy . Nature had also taken its corse with the school now covered in shrubs, weeds, and vines.

It was sickening and almost saddening look at. It wasn’t a great school by any means, it was most likely decent at best, but to see something once filled with teachers and lively kids now abandoned and left to rot would leave a sorrow feeling in anybody.

Drooper was only in that school for his kindergarten year and the first week of first grade, while his memory wasn’t the best, he suddenly felt grim and sick in the stomach when he was remembering his first week of first grade there.Then Drooper asked his Mom something very offhandedly.

Drooper: hey Moma

Lesley: yes?

Drooper: do you remember Ms. Hagknavs? You know, my old first grade teacher before I had Mrs. Melson and Ms. Michaela?

If Drooper remembered correctly, Ms. Michaela was a teacher assistant.

Lesley: *very calmly* funny that you asked that. yes, I do remember her, why I also spent the last 30 years informing every single school administration in the states what vile being Ms. Hagknavs was

Drooper, his sisters, and everyone else who was close enough to her to listen, were shocked when Lesley dropped that bombshell.

Turned out that Lesley had given every district that had known about the lion over detailed accounts of her horrid behavior and conducts, and so that every time that she’d applied for a job in any school in her district or any other district that respect her, they’ll turned her down flat.

—————————(FLASHBACK)——————————

Ms. Hagknavs: so am I hired?😃

Interviewer#1:*after reading her resume and records* OH HELL NO!! GET THE HELL OUT OF OFFICE!!

Ms. Hagknavs: 😦

———————(FLASHBACK END)————————

Evermore, since people talk and rumors spread, other school districts heard about what an awful person Ms. Hagknavs was, and even if they didn’t know who Lesley was, they still turned Hagknavs down. She was effectively blacklisted even if she wasn’t officially.

—————————(FLASHBACK)——————————

Ms. Hagknavs: so am I hired?

Interviewer#2:*after reading her resume and records* you told a mother that you wanted her 6 year old son to kill himself, what do you think the answer is?!

Ms. Hagknavs: 😨

———————(FLASHBACK END)————————

So yes, Lesley, had risen up the ranks of education, purely to ruin this one woman’s career in revenge for what she done to her youngest and only son. All far as everyone knew, Ms. Hagknavs never saw the inside of a classroom ever again.

Here’s a lesson on why you should never mess with a mama lionesses’s cubs.

——————————————————————————

This story was inspired by one of the stories in this video starting around the 5:21 mark

Yes, I did based Principal Adrien Recreant on how Miraculous Ladybug salt fics portrayed Adrien a spineless doormat who doesn't want to stand up to bullies, but is more than happy to lecture and belittle their victims and insist that they shouldn’t standing up for themselves, and his infamous “high road advice”. I just also combined him with Damocles since some salt fics also portrayed him being spineless, instead preferring to cater and coddle the rich bullies while punishing the victims super harshly.

Don’t worry, Adrien Recreant got his karma too, I just didn’t know how to fit it into the story without ruining the flow.

When another student, a physically disabled student, told Principal Recreant that he was also getting bullied and didn’t follow the “high road” advice and instead got even, Recreant gave him a 2 week suspension, while doing nothing to punish the bullies, and embezzled and stolen money that was meant for helping disabled children to ‘prove’ that the physically disabled student that he was right and he should’ve had taken the “high road”.

The school board soon founded out about the embezzling funds, and soon afterwards found out about his history of turning a blind eye towards bullying, victim blaming, and with the cases of Drooper and the other student, ableism. The embezzlement and ableism was the last straw, Recreant then got fired, blacklisted, which led to the scandal getting dragged out into the public eye, ruining his reputation. He’s dead now, but I can’t decide either it was because of natural causes (he was already a grown man when Drooper was 6 and is a man in his 50s in the present) or if someone got the hit on him in revenge as what he did to them as his student.

Anyways I hope you enjoyed this

[weakherodiaries]

Weak Hero: Ep 258 Reaction

SPOILERS ALERT

"The memories I can't even remember, let's bring them all out one by one. The best choice. Next, is the second-best choice. Then, the third-best choice. Things I didn't want to happen. Things outta my control...." -"AMYGDALA," -Agust D.

So the harrowing tale of Baekjin (Donald)'s traumatizing past continues. His teachers and peers abused him because of his poverty and because of their envy and greed. He kept getting the best grades even though they bullied him for not being able to purchase the uniform, for looking shabby and dirty. They even kicked him out from the classroom during a classmate's birthday celebration to mop the floor and take out the trash, to massage his homeroom teacher's foot, and to get beaten up.

The homeroom teacher wrote bad reports about Baekjin's behavior to his scholarship provider. Then he gave Baekjin leftover foods like it was something Baekjin should be grateful for, and the poor kid ate it alone hungrily.

Last but not least, a rich kid (his class representative)'s mom came to school and little Baekjin was summoned in front of her and the teachers, being accused for dishonesty in the exam. When in fact the mother was the one who bribed the homeroom teacher with an expensive watch to ensure that her son got the questions in advance and got the best grades.

How dare they. These incompetent adults.

But the saddest thing to me is the reason why eventually Baekjin will get his tattoos and turn into gang life and crimes: he saw his stepdad getting beaten up by a tattooed thug.

So the current fearsome Baekjin is the person he created out of the desire to be someone whom his scary stepdad is scared of. And in doing so, he is feared by everyone else instead.

[pontevoix]

hc ( todo ) + fear from here | @dontm0ve

headcanon | todo + fear

i.  fear  is  something  only  you  can  see,  something  you  might  choose  to  let  others  see.

in  hindsight,  he  supposes  that  he  was  afraid  of  curses  when  he  started  to  see  them.  they  don’t  seem  quite  natural  in  the  surrounding  world,  &  the  energy  that  drifts  from  them  is  something  ugly.

of  course,  no  one  else  seems  to  notice  them  —  todo  doesn’t  see  anyone  jerk  back  when  something  cursed  touches  their  shoulder;  he  doesn’t  see  them  grimace.

he  had  never  been  prone  to  self-doubt.  if  todo  is  seeing  things,  it  doesn’t  make  him  broken.  he  doesn’t  keep  things  secret,  doesn’t  try  to  sequester  himself.  he  doesn’t  talk  about  the  curses,  but  he  does  stare  at  them  openly  —  he  feels  wary  about  them.  these  non-human  entities  are  harder  to  predict  than  schoolyard  shit.  &  sometimes  he  does  talk  to  himself,  so  there  are  times  that  his  peers  wave  a  hand  in  front  of  his  face  —  someone  in  there  ?

often,  there  are  childhood  challenges/dares/thrills  that  classroom  comrades  know.  maybe  the  challenge  is  replacing  whiteboard  markers  with  permanent  marker;  maybe  it’s  climbing  to  the  roof  of  the  gym.  maybe  it’s  afterschool  hours  in  a  gully  littered  with  broken  booze  bottles  &  worse.

in  todo’s  class  (  &  school  ),  engaging  todo  in  a  fistfight  becomes  something  like  a  childhood  challenge.  the  fun  of  the  challenge  is  that:  he  keeps  looking  at  things  that  weren’t  there.  the  fun  of  the  challenge  is  that:  no  one  could  actually  beat  him.

his  peers  pick  fights,  &  todo  doesn’t  refuse.  to  refuse  a  fight,  to  back  down  is  to  admit  a  type  of  fear  (  or  weakness  )  ?  he  doesn’t  feel  invested  enough  to  showcase  retreat.

retreating  paints  a  target  on  your  back.

ii.  fear  is  something  selfish.

in  a  fight,  you  keep  your  guard  up.  to  admit  fear  can  be  a  demonstration  of  weakness,  &  more  than  that  ?  it  can  mean  dropping  your  guard.

mostly,  admitting  fear  feels  like  a  stupid  decision.

when  todo  is  eight,  he  wears  his  hair  short  because  it’s  easier  to  maintain.  also,  his  hair  hadn’t  been  a  personal  choice.  when  todo  is  eight,  he’s  short  for  his  age.  he  always  has  bruises  at  his  knees,  &  he  spends  school  day  afternoons  outside  until  the  sky  turns  purple.  then  he  spends  school  day  evenings  shoveling  leftover  rice  into  his  mouth  &  watching  documentaries  that  broadcast  on  television  (  or  sports  or  the  news  or  whatever  clicks  onto  the  screen  when  he  presses  the  remote  button  ).  it  turns  out  that  everything  on  television  tells  a  similar  story.

there’s  so  much  in  media  (  &  through  what  he  sees  day  to  day  )  that  says  that  people  fear  what  they  do  not  understand;  they  fear  differences.  &  maybe  that’s  true  —  but  in  the  process,  they  often  choose  repulsive  behaviors  &  distaste.

admitting  fear  is  something  stupid  in  daily  life.  if  it  is  repulsive  too,  then  there’s  no  reason  that  fear  should  be  something  shared.

when  todo  is  eight,  he  thinks  that  admitting  fear  is  something  stupid  because  it’s  something  selfish.  after  all,  it  doesn’t  seem  to  help  anyone  to  be  repulsed,  to  spread  fear  like  something  contagious.  it  doesn’t  help  anyone  to  lose  your  head.

when  he  started  seeing  curses  &  thinking  them  unnatural,  todo  supposes  that  he  had  been  afraid.

however,  he  made  a  choice.

should  fear  infiltrate  his  body,  then  the  fear  should  be  his  own.  he  keeps  it  to  himself.

iii.  fear  is  may  be  contagious,  but  it  is  not  a  wildfire.

he  trains  under  yuki.  he  doesn’t  travel  with  her  constantly,  &  he  doesn’t  see  all  of  her  missions  (they  aren’t  officially  missions).  however,  he  sees  enough  —  &  he  sees  a  lot  behind  the  process  of  how  yuki  chooses  the  jobs  that  she  does.

she’s  different  in  how  she  chooses  work.  that’s  one  reason  that  the  leadership  behind  jujutsu  society  condemns  her  &  calls  her  deadbeat.  usually,  information  is  gathered  before  a  sorcerer  takes  a  mission.  usually,  the  assistants  are  well  adept  at  data  collection,  mapping,  &  the  strategic  thinking  that  construct  a  well  organized  case  file.

yuki  tells  him  this,  &  she  tells  him  that  she  doesn’t  disagree  with  paperwork  hunting.  it’s  good  for  seeking  out  the  location  of  a  curse  —  but  it  shouldn’t  be  the  ultimate  weapon.  there’s  something  too  censored  when  it  comes  to  relying  on  paperwork  to  understand  the  case  &  situation  &  everything  in  between.  it’s  better  to  always  do  your  own  research.  of  course,  since  yuki  works  as  an  independent  contractor  (??),  maybe  she’s  biased.  todo  tells  her  so.

still,  it  turns  out  that  it’s  useful  to  be  able  to  choose  your  battles  (  choose  your  fear  ).

when  he  started  learning  how  to  name  the  terms  on  which  he  fights,  todo  learns  how  fear  can  be  defanged.  he  conditions  his  fights  &  their  risks  on  the  worthiness  of  the  fight,  whether  he  chooses  to  use  his  technique.  in  this  way,  he  chooses  his  fear.  he  chooses  when  it’s  wildfire.

anything  that  he  cannot  control,  then  it’s  something  inevitable.

he  can  make  his  peace  with  that  &  with  that  kind  of  fear.

iv.  fear  is  something  natural

fear  is  a  part  of  the  heart.  there’s  no  reason  that  any  person  should  be  condemned  or  damned  for  feeling  fear.  even  if  he  can  curb  his  fear  through  wise  decisions,  todo  will  admit  on  any  day  that  he  feels  fear  often.

fear  can  be:  the  prospect  of  talking  to  takada  (his  dream  girl).  for  the  record,  he  has  spoken  to  her.  he  has  paid  for  fan  tickets  &  shaken  her  hand.  never  had  he  lapsed  into  acting  towards  her  as  though  he  were  anything  more  than  a  fan  to  her  —

overall,  takada  has  no  reason  to  remember  that  she  has  a  fan  named  todo  aoi.

so  yes  :  todo  embraces  youth  when  he’s  embarrassed  to  talk  to  takada  -  even  in  his  internal  monologues.

takada  is  the  girl  of  his  dreams.  his  dreams  do  not  need  to  accept  him.  she  is  a  part  of  him.  she  is  wonderful  in  his  imagination  in  a  way  that  he  does  not  need  to  test  against  real  life,  &  his  dreams  are  his  dreams,  &  he  can  process  through  his  dreams.

she  is  his  processing  power.

&  even  so,  attachment  can  be  frightening.  he  is  seventeen,  &  when  he  thinks  or  imagines  rejection,  he  uses  cliche  language.  he  talks  about  butterflies  in  his  stomach  &  despair  &

he’s  seventeen,  eighteen,  etc.  love  really  is  something  to  be  feared  &  valued.

he’s  not  quite  equipped  to  play  with  attachment  outside  of  his  fantasies,  however.

maybe  that  had  been  a  sacrifice  he  made.

v.  fear  feels  like  something  you  should  feel.

he  is  barely  eighteen,  &  he  has  been  to  war.  fear  might  be  something  only  you  can  see;  it  might  be  selfish.  fear  can  be  contained.  fear  can  is  natural.  the  first  war  he  fought  on  was  the  night  parade  of  a  hundred  demons.

he  builds  a  reputation  for  himself  there.

he  goes  to  war  again  when  he’s  eighteen,  &  he’s  a  casualty.

it  may  end  his  career  as  a  sorcerer,  but  he  hadn’t  done  it  for  pay.  even  so,  he  woke  up  later  with  his  cursed  technique  dead  —  &  it’s  one  of  the  first  times  he  feels  a  fond  resignation  towards  the  idea  of  fear.

he  should  grieve  himself.  more  than  once  he  has  said  that  the  privilege  of  grief  goes  to  those  who  know  the  casualty,  &  he  knows  himself  better  than  anyone.  so  he  should  grieve  himself  ?

it’s  frightful  to  think  he  isn’t  sure  how  to  grieve  himself,  to  realize  that  he  isn’t  yet  scared  for  his  prospects  —  it’s  a  bit  frightful  to  feel  satisfied  with  the  price  he  paid,  to  wonder  whether  he  will  be  able  to  seek  out  the  same  kind  of  thrills  that  he  did  when  his  ranking  permitted  it.

boredom  is  frighting,  &  it’s  strange  because

for  the  first  time,  todo  thinks  that  maybe  he  should  be  more  frightened.

but  even  so  —-  he  is  alive.  &  he  knows  what  he  likes.

even  if  he  is  different,  the  beliefs  that  he  holds  about  fear  remain  the  same.

&  so  it  will  go.

todo  had  never  been  prone  to  self-doubt.  if  todo  is  different,  if  he  thinks  about  fear  -  then  it  does  not  make  him  broken.

[stonedangel]

dad came over + brought me ice cream today which felt so .. fortuitous because when he said he was on his way i almost texted asking if he could bring ice cream but decided against it. and yet he had ice cream. we sat in the yard + talked abt grandma + the river + books. we never really have Conversations, just share ‘news’ back + forth + talk abt the dogs + say ‘we should go biking soon’ but then don’t really ever plan to. big sigh.

[xmalereader]

Joel Miller X Male Reader

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|| Masterlist ||

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Authors Note: I caved in….anyways, here is a Joel miller shot that takes place before the apocalypse, more of a Modern AU type and less of clickers and death. Prepare yourselves because this one is a sad one. Also, I officially have a schedule for shots every Monday and Friday so be prepared to have another shot tomorrow! You can find Joel miller Masterlist under the Javier Peña/agent whiskey tab.

Summary: Sarah takes notice of her dads changed behavior along with finding a strange picture at her neighbors house that’ll explain everything as to why her dads actions had changed.

Warnings: Angst, slight fluff, mentions of family, pre-apocalypse, break-ups, fear of rejection, slight mentions of homophobia, takes place in 2003, doubts, guilt, Joel is trying, acceptance.

Word count: 3.1k

—

—

Sarah knew that something was wrong when she arrived home after school. The first thing that she noticed was that the house was clean. She always did the cleaning after coming back home since her dad was rarely home and always working and used the extra time to organize the place. The next thing she noticed was the clean kitchen, not only was it clean but there was a meal ready too, showing that the meal had been eaten and some leftovers were left.

She can’t help but raise a brow in questioning, taking in everything before heading upstairs to her room and leaving her back pack by her desk and stepping back out into the hallway where she finds her dad exiting the bathroom. He was looks up startled at his daughters presence and softly sighs in relief. “Scared the hell out of me.” He huffs out before tussling her hair as he passed by her and asks. “How was school?”

Sarah follows him downstairs. “It was fine—boring like always.” She’s quick to add, jumping down the last step and giving the kitchen another glance. “You cooked and cleaned today.” She points out, getting her dads attention as his eyes roam around the room before clearing his throat. “Yeah, finished work early today and took the time to make some dinner.” His response is quick, walking over to the living room and looking out the window, giving him a nice view of the neighborhood.

His daughter stands behind him, still suspicious by his strange actions. She shakes it off and sighs to herself, ignoring the weird feeling she was getting and joining her dad on the couch as they search for a movie to watch and to keep themselves distracted. She told herself not to worry to much about the strange feeling only for it to return again after two days. Except it’s the weekend and she’s returning from her friends house, stepping inside her house only to see her dad wearing some decent clothes. He’s usually wearing plain shirts and his work pants throughout the day either too lazy to change or perhaps it was his style.

Seeing him dressed differently raised questions. “Going somewhere?” Sarah asks, getting her fathers attention who looks over his shoulder and gives her a soft smile. “Just gonna head out with some folks.”

“Dressed like that?”

Joel frowns, looking down at his own outfit and then back at his daughter. “What? Is it that bad?” He asks while she eyes him up and down, shaking her head. “No—just new…have fun though.” She encouraged with a smile on her face while Joel chuckled. “Your uncle Tommy is coming by to babysit you tonight, I’ll be back at nine.” He promises, kissing her on the forehead and rushing out the door with keys in hand. “Don’t open the door unless—“

“It’s uncle Tommy, I know.” Sarah finished and waved him off. “Go.” She added while Joel gives her another smile and leaves her alone until her uncle arrived. Sarah had spent the night in her room while her uncle lied in the living room couch watching Tv. She taps her fingers against her book and began to think about her fathers strange actions.

It wasn’t until the next day that Joel tells Sarah that he and Tommy would be working late and wouldn’t be home. He had advised her to stay at their neighbors house until he returned so that she wouldn’t be alone. The millers had grown to like their friendly neighbor. He was three years younger than Joel, living by himself and he worked in architect. Y/n always welcomed Sarah into his home on days that Joel would be working late, he’d make her some dinner and also bake her some cookies.

Sarah liked her neighbor and knew that he could probably help her with her situation. It wasn’t until after school that she’s inside Y/n’s house, sitting on dining table and finishing up her homework while Y/n sat across from her, his own work spread out on the table as he worked on the new blueprints for his project.

“Can I ask you something?” Sarah finally speaks up. Setting her pencil down and watched as Y/n hums in response, focused on his measurements and drawing out a few lines.

“I think my dads seeing someone.”

Y/n’s pencil snaps, startling the two as he chuckled nervously. “Oops, must’ve gone a little hard on that one.” He laughs softly and sets the pencil aside before clearing his throat. “What makes you think that?” He finally asks.

“I don’t know—he’s just…” Sarah groans. “He’s doing things that he normally doesn’t do and it’s freaking me out.” She whines out.

“Like…?” Y/n raises a brow, urging her to continue.

“He usually doesn’t clean the house, I do that whenever I can. He had a cooked meal ready and he’s going out with friends—which I know he doesn’t really like to socialize and he’s starting to come home early. He’s always late.” Sarah grumbled, crossing her arms on the table and placing her head on top.

Y/n watched the young child sulk as he sighs to himself, moving his work to the side as he sits up straight. “People react in strange ways when they start going out with someone new. These things that he’s doing are examples of change; perhaps this person is making him react differently. I mean, like you said, he’s cooking meals which is something he rarely does along with cleaning and socializing and coming home early. I mean—“ he chuckled. “What if he isn’t seeing someone and just wants to change the way he does thing? A clean home along with a nice meal for his daughter, trying to know new people and extend his friendships, wanting to come back home early to be with his family.” He points out.

Sarah listens to his words and gives a few nods. Understanding why her dad would make changes and perhaps did take notice of current things that needed to change in order to improve his life a little. She kept thinking about her dad that the silence between her and Y/n is cut when Y/n silently asks.

“How would you feel about your dad dating someone?” His eyes focus on his work again, taking his pencil and sharpening it while focusing on the lines. He waits for her response which takes a few seconds for her to speak up. “I don’t know…I’d want him to meet a nice girl who’d make him happy. Someone that I could also get along with too and maybe have a mom again.” She giggled a little at the idea of having a family again. She was focused on the idea of her dad being happy again that she doesn’t notice the sad smile on Y/n’s face.

“That’s—that would be nice for you and Joel.” He said.

The rest of the day is spent with the two finishing up their own work and baking some cookies that Sarah later packs up to take back home. Once the sunset and the neighborhood grew quiet was when Joel finally returned back home from work, knocking on his door to pick up Sarah.

Y/n unlocks his door and gives Joel a smile. “She’s getting her things.” He let’s Joel know and offers him to wait inside while Sarah shoved her things inside her backpack. “Hey dad!” She calls out, zipping up her bag and holding up a ziplock stuffed with cookies. “Y/n made chocolate chip cookies, saved you a few.”

Joel chuckles at Sarah, pulling her close into a hug and kissing her head. “They look delicious.” He snatched the bag from her hands, causing the twelve her old to pout. “Hey!” She tries to take them back from home but he holds the bag away from her reach as she groans, gripping his forearm and trying to pull him down but Joel didn’t pudge.

Y/n laughs at the sight and shakes his head. “Alright, that’s enough you two.” He easily takes the cookies from Joel’s hand and hands them back to Sarah, earning a glare from Joel which he ignores. “Here.” He hands her the ziplock bag and clears his throat. “Uh, Sarah why don’t you head back home? I need to speak to your dad real quick.”

Sarah gives her dad a glance who nods. “Go ahead, I’ll be there in a minute.” She gives him a nod and bids Y/n a goodnight before leaving the house. The two adults standing alone in the living room.

“I spoke to Sarah.”

Joel looks up. “About us?” He swallows nervously.

Y/n shakes his head. “No, not really.” He sighs out. “She was worried about you and thought that you’d been going out with someone. I asked her on what her opinion was on you dating.” His back is against the wall, leaning against it.

“What did she say?” Joel takes a small step forward.

“She said that she wanted you to find someone that made you happy along with starting a family again.”

Joel smiles. He didn’t know how Sarah would feel about him dating again after years of being on his own. His daughters happiness always came first and he didn’t want to mess things up. “That’s—“ He looks over at him only to see a hint of sadness in his eyes, causing his own smile to falter.

“Joel, she wants a Mother.”

Joel quickly understand what he was saying. The two had been dating for six months, keeping their relationship a low profile and not letting anyone know. Joel knew how people frowned upon couples who were the same sex, he wasn’t afraid of letting the public know but he was afraid of his own daughters thoughts and what she would say and think about him. He didn’t know if she’d accept the relationship or if she’ll feel comfortable around them. He didn’t know if their bond will be the same if someone else came into their life.

“Your daughter comes first and you know I can’t give her what she wants.” Y/n whispered, pushing himself off the wall and approaching Joel. He watched him carefully as the older man shakes his head, already knowing where this conversation was leading too. “We could tell her.” Joel blurts out.

“I don’t know, Joel.” Y/n sighs, looking down. “I don’t want to be the one who ruins a family. We both already knew how this would end if things didn’t go the way we wanted.” His tone is soft but full of pain. “Joel—“

“Please, don’t say it.” Joel is shaking his head, stepping forward and pulling him close. “We can’t end things like this not after I finally found someone to love again. I won’t just throw everything away and pretend like what we head meant nothing.”

Y/n didn’t want this either but had no choice. He blamed himself for falling in love with a man, less alone with a child he cared deeply about. He too cared for Sarah and sometimes saw her as his own daughter whenever they spent time together but after what she said he couldn’t bare to be the one to change her life. Joel’s daughter came first and knew that wouldn’t change.

He gentle nudged Joel, taking a step back and looking up to him. “We both know what happens after this.” He whispered, giving him a sad smile, holding back tears. “Goodbye, Joel.”

Joel stands frozen, looking into Y/n’s eyes as the other looks away, hiding the pain that lord behind his eyes. Joel wanted to reach out and hold him close in his arms and tell him that he loves him but knew that wouldn’t change things. Instead he gives him one last look and leaves the house, closing the door behind him quietly and making his way back to his own house where Sarah waits sitting in the living room, watching Tv and eating her cookies.

When Joel returned she looked over to him and frowns. “Dad, are you okay?” She stands from her spot and approached him.

“Yeah I’m alright, baby girl.” His response is faint.

“Then why are you crying?”

—

It’s been two weeks since their last conversation. Sarah still stayed at Y/n’s place after school and was picked up by Joel each time he came back home. The first few days of seeing each other again they fake their smiles and feelings from each other. Ignoring the headache that the two have and forcing themselves to continue on. Joel stopped picking up Sarah after the fourth day.

Every night, Y/n would hear the familiar truck engine arrive next door. Signaling Joel’s return from work and letting Y/n know that Sarah is to get back home. He’d help her pack up and would stand outside watching her leave his place and entering safely into her own house. There were only a few times that he caught glimpses of Joel leaving his house early in the morning, getting ready for work. He tried his best to avoid any interactions with Joel, rushing inside his own house whenever he saw the familiar truck approaching. As childish as it sounded he couldn’t face joel.

During the second week he was helping Sarah with a school project, making a board and helping her with gluing different printed out imagines while she did the writing. When Y/n hears the engine he glanced up at the clock, taking notice that Joel always came back home at eight thirty. He sighs to himself and sits up from his spot on the floor. “Alright, kiddo. Time to go home.”

“Awe, we were almost done.”

Y/n chuckled, gathering up her things and placing them inside her folder. “You can finish back at your place, you just have to glue these last few pictures and you’ll be done.” He hands her the folder which contained all of her homework. “Fine.” Sarah puts her things away and smiles widely. “Can I borrow your Walkman while I do homework?”

“You do know that no one uses those anymore?”

“I know but you have good music.”

Y/n rolls his eyes and nods. “Fine, why don’t you go get it in my room while I finish cleaning. It should be on the nightstand next to my bed or in the drawer.” He calls out to her as she rushed upstairs to his bedroom where he kept his Walkman.

Sarah stalks inside the room, still not used to entering places that didn’t belong to her. She approached the nightstand and pulls the drawer open to find the Walkman with no headset. She sets it on his bed and digs around his drawer until she finds the headphones, smiling in triumph as she held them in her hands. She goes back to close the drawer only to take notice of a picture of her dad sticking out from underneath a book.

Her curiosity gets the best of her and slides the photo out. Holding it between her fingers as she looks at the picture to see her dad giving the camera a smile while Y/n stared at her father, recognizing his expression. She quickly tucks the photo away and collects her things while rushing downstairs.

“Did you find it?” Y/n asks, startling Sarah a little while she nods. “Yeah, I found it.” She shows him the Walkman and gets her bag and poster. “Let me walk you out—“

“I’m fine! I gotta finish this quick, goodnight!” She rambled out while slamming the door behind her, leaving a stunned Y/n while she ran back home.

“You alright?” Joel suddenly asks upon seeing his daughter running inside the house frantically, rushing to her room and putting her things away while walking back downstairs to find her dad with raised brows. “You okay?” He asks again, worried about his own daughter.

“I think so.” She opens and closes her mouth. Hesitate to speak as she glanced at her dad who focused on making himself a sandwich. His old habits had come back after two weeks. He was back to his old self which didn’t surprise Sarah. “I asked Y/n if I could borrow his Walkman so, that I could listen to some music while finishing my homework.” She began to say. “I was in his room and found a picture…it was you and him together.”

Joel grows tense, his appetite gone as he pushed the finished sandwich to the side and cleared his throat. “Yeah?”

Sarah nervously approached her dad. “I didn’t think much about it until I saw Y/n’s expression and the way he looked at you. It’s the same look that you used to give mom whenever she smiled or when she’d do something that you liked.” She picked at her nails, looking at her dad every once an awhile. “Did something happen between you two?” Her voice is small.

Joel takes notice and leans against the counter. He didn’t think that she’d find out about them, instead he thought that he’d continue on with life and pretend like his relationship with Y/n meant nothing and that the two never did anything. Now, here he stood in front of his daughter who’s asking about their relationship. He felt guilty from hiding his relationship from his own daughter but had his reasons as to why he was hiding it, afraid of losing his own daughter and ruining the loving bond that he had with her.

“Dad.”

Joel is pulled out of his thoughts, putting his attention on his daughter. “No.”

Sarah frowns at her own dad.

“Then why are you crying?”

[mildkleptomaniac]

i got you — jj maybank x routledge!reader

𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭:  “  hey! i absolutely adore your writing! i was wondering if you could do a jj x fem!routledge!reader where it’s set just after john b ans sarah disappeared and she’s sort of stopped taking care of herself (not sleeping or eating) so he tries to help her but she just denies anything’s wrong until she fully breaks down in his arms. angst/ fluff. ily xx ♥️ ”

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1k

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: very angsty, depression, pain

𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆: buckle up buttercups, it’s emotional but ends on a better note. thank you for requesting and sorry for sure a late delay! i appreciate the compliment bb 

Nothing is gone, until it is absolutely, most definitely gone. Her father was gone. John B Routledge and Sarah Cameron are gone. Vanished. Left an open, gaping hole in Y/N Routledge’s heart. She convinced herself everyone will leave her and it was just inevitable. Time no longer mattered, minutes felt like days, and days were years. Her body felt numb, she could stare at the ceiling all day with dried, stained tears on her cheeks. Nothing else mattered anymore. 

She hated the pity looks from students in the hallways, the sympathetic smiles from her teachers who would stop caring after the first two weeks of school had passed, later telling her it is time to move on. How could she move on from her family? Her blood? She wished she dug a grave for three: her father, her brother, and for herself. 

She couldn’t bear to get out of bed and shuffle around the Chateau for the first few weeks, everything reminded her of her brother–her dead brother. There was no text, there was no goodbye. But she had too–she had to be the strong one of The Pogues. JJ, Kie, and Pope carried on–they wore their heart on their sleeves and cried. The tree was carved and she could imagine John B telling JJ he just killed the thing.

Y/N Routledge is not an actor and Maybank can see straight through her bullshit facade. The younger Routledge looked frail to the touch, bags underneath her eyes, greasy hair, and an empty fridge for a bit. Kiara and Pope would drop her off leftover foods, but she would leave them out on the kitchen table. She had no appetite and it only became more concerning. 

After JJ noticed her odd habits and behavior, he began spending each night with her. He wasn’t convinced she got a wink of sleep. She barely spoke to JJ when they were in the house together. She feared if she spoke and there was no remark from her brother from his bedroom, she would cry–all the emotions would spill over. 

“Hey, Y/N. How about I made some of my famous grilled cheese for dinner?” The blonde suggested. Her eyes flickered over to him and she shrugged her shoulders. She remained silent. “Are you not even gonna ask where I learned where to make it? Or if it is actually famous?” He teased her, walking towards her. 

His humor was relieving, but the quick reality and depression washed over her instantly. 

“C’mon, y’know John B wouldn’t want us mourning this long. He would want us smoking weed, sippin’ beers, hanging out in the marsh–”

“You don’t know shit, JJ. You don’t know that.” She finally spoke and her words were daggers. The blonde was taken back at her response. Her voice was raspy, almost more dry and scratchy. 

“You’re pretending like you’re fine, but you're not–I know that for sure. When was the last time you showered? Ate something other than leftovers from a few days ago? You’re not alright and I promised John B–”

“Stop saying his name!” She sobbed, shouting across the kitchen. Her knees buckle underneath her and she held her head in the palm of her hands. JJ rushed by her side and pulled her into his arms. She pulled her knees closer into her chest, sobbing and soaking JJ’s shirt with her tears. Y/N was in pure hysterics, struggling to catch her breath. 

“I miss him so much–I miss my dad. I’m done being alone, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow without my family. It hurts. Everything. Hurts.” She confessed, clutching onto the fabric of his shirt. He wasn’t quite sure what to say, everything she emptied from her chest, only filled his up with pain. He held on tight to the girl, rubbing her back and pressing his head against her’s. He rocked her a bit, letting her release it all out. 

Once her whales quieted down, she tried catching her breath. The boy continued to soothe her, reminding her that everything will be alright. He helped her off the floor and brought her onto the couch. He draped a blanket over the girl and kneeled down beside her. 

“I’m going to make you some food, you drink some water. I’d help you shower, but you might want your space and privacy.” He tried to add a bit of humor to it. She cracked a smile and nudge the boy before whipping the snot off her face with the sleeve of her sweater. 

“Gross, JJ,” 

“Hey, there is that smile we all love and miss.” He smiled at the girl. He pushed strands of her hair behind her ear. “I miss him too–we all do. But…we gotta do what we can. I don’t want to believe he is dead, I…he has to be out there. Okay? And you have me…Kie and Pope. You have us. I got you. I won’t let anything happen to you.” JJ slipped his calloused hands into hers. 

“I promise.” He stated. 

“You have me too, JJ. I’m sorry for all of this.” She apologized, warm tears brimming in her eyes. 

“Enough crying, Routledge. Save some tears for my cooking skills.” He winked. Y/N relaxed on the couch, taking deep breaths and trying to regulate herself. She closed her eyes, feeling safe being tucked under the blanket. JJ wasn’t the best at cooking by any means, but the idea of fresh food finally sounded appealing to the girl. 

He brought over a plate of grilled cheese for her, sitting beside her with his own plate. She leaned her body onto his side, munching down on the burnt sandwich. 

“It’s okay to cry now after eating that. You didn’t see it, but I scraped off a lot of mold for you.” He noted before biting into the golden dish. Y/N pinched her face with disgust before pretending to gag. 

“JJ, please don’t tell me that. I’d rather not know anything like that.”

“Would you wanna know about–”

“No–”

“You don’t even know what I was gonna say!” He defended himself. 

“I don’t need to or want to…but seriously, JJ?”

“Yea?”

“Thanks for not giving up on me.”

JJ wrapped an arm around her, “Never,”

[youre-amazing-say-it]

Hey girlie when’s the new fic coming, no rush btw xx

IT'S HERE! Sorry for the delay life has been crazy. But im on spring break and very excited to work on some pieces.

Let me know what you guys think. If you want a part 2 or something. Next piece is the drunk peter one.

Just Do It

WARNINGS: Depression, suicide attempt, mention of drugs, swearing, underage drinking (dont do it kids), angst OMG, fluffy end.

Summary: Based on the Pete Davidson quote " Ive always been suicidal but ive never had the balls"

Pairing: avengers (Steve, Tony, Nat, Clint, Bruce, Sam, Bucky, Scott Peter) x reader

I hated that I was loved. Life would be so much easier.

It would give me a reason that explains the feeling and thoughts I've had for the past year. But I knew I lived a very fortunate life. I had the best of both worlds, one as a high schooler, the other one as a superhero named Blue Gaze. I thought for a while that if I stopped with my secret identity, life might be better. But it also could become worse, and that was the last thing I wanted. So I just continue to hide under my pain and fears, hiding in the clouded thoughts that fill my head. Reminding me daily that I'm a shitty person, people only care about because of my powers, and nobody would blink an eye at me if I was gone.

And I know when you're feeling like this, you're supposed to talk to someone. but at this point, I don't know what will happen if I talk to someone and I become “better”. it scares the shit out of me. I have kind of become content with my sadness and I don't know what else to do. So I try my best to find different things to distract myself from the feelings.

I'm a junior in high school, going to a local public school. I'm what you call a good kid. I get good grades, don’t stay out late, and was a model student But it all changed around six months ago when I meet my partner Chris. they are the best worst influence I could ask for. They knew and understood my thoughts and knew that I needed a form of escapism. Soon, we were dating and it was a great distraction. They introduced me to marijuana, alcohol, and it was incredible. They made me happy at the moment and not in the long run.

Now here I am, riding up the elevator, at 1 am, to the compound. I had my backpack on, getting a stash of stuff from our friends. I'm staying here this weekend as my parents are out of town. My parents have been concerned about my behavior and well-being for a while now, and even told Tony about their concerns. He tried to talk to me about it, but it only made it worst.

The elevator opened up and I walked into the kitchen. I was out with Chris and their friends and I'm not as drunk as usual, but enough to feel numb. I went to go grab some leftover food in the fridge but before I could even grab the food the door shut and Steve Rodgers had his hand on the fridge. “HEY!” he said, staring at me. If I was sober I would have been scared, but instead, I was given a confidence boost.

“The hell do you want? I'm busy and hungry so get out of my way.” I said as I shoved past his shoulder, going to grab an apple from the fruit bowl but a hand dragged it away. Tony looked at me, with fear and anger in his eyes.

“We have been calling and texting you all night. No answers, no nothing. Hell, you managed to even bypass my security and turn off your location. Mind tell us where the FUCK you have been?” Tony said, gesturing to the mighty heroes behind him. I didn’t even register walking in how many people were in the room. Sam and Bucky were behind the couch, Nat and Scott were sitting on it. Adjacent to them was Wanda and Vision, on the opposite couch, with Bruce standing behind them. But what surprised me the most was Peter standing next to Bruce, eyes red and puffy.

“You don’t need to know everything I do. You aren't my parents, you guys don't own me. I'm allowed to have a fucking life.” I said, annoyed, looking at them.

“We are your parents for this weekend,” said Steve, turning my attention back to him. “You're staying here, therefore you are our responsibility. So let me ask this again. where have you been?” I could tell where this conversation was going, and I didn’t want to deal with it.

“I was out with friends. I'm going to bed.” I said, looking at the team as I walked away.

“Like hell, you're not!” I heard Sam yell behind me. I slowly turn around. “we're going to discuss this. You don't get to walk in here at 1:00 AM smelling like weed and crappy beer, expecting to get out of it.” Sam tells me as he walked closer to me. Before he got too close, Scott appeared next to him.

“What Sam is trying to say is that we're just concerned about you,” Scott said, looking at me like I was a lost dog. “You've been hanging with the wrong crowd, pushing people away. We just want to know what going on. We care about you Y/n.” he walks closer to me, trying to hug me but I step to the side to avoid the interaction.

“Oh cut the crap guys. You don't care about me, you only care about Blue Gaze. You only work with Blue Gaze. Our relationship starts and ends with my mask. You guys couldn’t give two shits about my life." I was annoyed at this point. I had plans for the rest of the night but now they want to talk about my feelings? Fuck no.

"What makes you think that? We care about you. I care about you Y/n” Peter states. I couldn't look at him. He was my best friend, the one I feel closest with out of the bunch. But I haven't spoken to him in a while. Now that they see me as someone who needs help, they are being nice to me now. I hated it. It made me feel angry.

"You don't care about me! All you see is a damsel in distress and you want to save me. But I’m fine.” I said as I heard my voice crack. I could tell they could hear it too. Nat starts talking to me in her motherly voice.

“We just want to help you Y/n. Tell us how we can help” she said. I felt this anger and frustration starting to build up inside me and I felt I was about to break.

“You wanna help me? Fine! Go get a gun and shoot me 'cause I can't bring myself to do it.” I yell as I burst. I looked at my co-workers and they were silent. They couldn’t believe I said that. I couldn’t believe I said that. In fact, I was pissed I said.

"What did you just say?" Bucky asked. I looked at him and I felt fury within me. I didn’t want to say it in the first place but now I have to say it again.

“I'm sorry, Does the Super soldier with super hearing need me to repeat myself? I said I want someone to kill me. It's not that hard, especially for you.” I said. As soon as I said that last part, I knew it was a low blow. But I was in too deep, plus I had a lot to express.

“Y/N! Why the hell would you say that?” Steve said, storming over towards me.

“Why not? It's the truth, and you guys want me to be truthful, don't you? You want me to tell you how I feel. Well, I want to die and Bucky has killed people without any guilt. So I know he can do it so I want him to do it.” I see tears form in the soldier's eyes as he storms out. Sam comes towards me, fire in his eye.

"I don't give two shits about what you're feeling right now, that was incredibly uncalled for.” He shouts before leaving to find Bucky.

“Fine! If he won't do it, how about you Nat?” I said as I make my way to her. “Red room assassin? Go get a gun and kill me. It would solve everyone’s problems, so Just do it!” I scream in her face as I feel us get farther apart from each other. Steve and Scott are pulling me back, as I see Clint get Nat and lead her out of the room. Everyone just continued to stare at me, waiting to see what I would say next. I didn’t even notice the tears coming down my face until Scott pulled me out of my head.

"Hey Kiddo," he said, wiping the tears off my face with his thumb. I looked at him with tearfilled eyes. "Do you want to talk?" i shrugged my shoulders. My heart was telling me to open up because they care, but my head was telling me to run away and avoid talking about it.

“Come here,” he said, walking us over to the couch. I sat down and looked at the floor. Steve sat next to me with Scott on the other side, Peter and Tony on the other couch with Bruce behind them. “What going on Y/n?” Steve said. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't look at anyone. I wanted to hold back but I also knew it would be helpful to talk about it. “Take your time,” he said, putting his arm around me. He brought me into a side hug. I could tell he wanted to do it for comfort, but it was mainly a way to hold me in place so I don’t lash out again. I let out a shaky breath before speaking.

“I want to die but I can't. I have tried multiple times. I've been so close to pulling the trigger, swallowing the pills, or jumping off the ledge. But I think about you guys or my family finding me and I can't bring myself to do it” I say, continuing to look at the floor. I haven’t told anyone this and I know it wouldn’t be the last. "But just because I can't do it, doesn’t make the thoughts and feelings go away.” It was quiet, everyone was waiting for me to say something but I don’t know what else to say. Peter was one of the first ones to speak.

“Why would you want to die? You are a hero, everyone adores you.” Peter said. I looked at him and he hasn’t stopped crying, but they were more silent tears.

“Blue Gaze is a hero, that’s who people love! Nobody cares about a random high schooler.”

“We care about you Y/n, so much,” Scott said, holding hand, caressing it with his thumb.

“No, you don’t!” I start to stand up but Steve's tight hold of me keeps me on the couch. I take a few breathes, to keep myself grounded, so I don’t say something I'll regret.

"Kiddo, we care about you a whole lot. I care about you. But you are scaring me with the way you have been acting. I don't want you to go down the road I was on." Tony said. I knew it meant a lot for him to say that, he doesn't talk about his past a lot. I didn’t even realize Bruce coming over to sit in front.

“Y/n, I need you to be honest with me. I know it will be hard but you have to if you want us to help.” Bruce lifts my chin so I'm forced to look at him. My eyes were full of tears and regret. “Do you think you can do that?” he said, looking at me.

I look around and see my coworkers, or family, waiting for my response. Could I do it? Could I be honest? I want to, but I don’t know what will happen next. Will they send me away? Will I no longer be an avenger? I’ve been holding onto this part of my life for too long, and it's been eating away at me day by day. Maybe it’s time to finally let go. I took a breathe before responding

“Yeah, I'm ready to get help. I'm ready to be honest”

A/N: Ahhh! what do you guys think? please let me know!

Tags: @winter-soldier-vibes @angeldreifics @luvhann @xennityxen

[guns-n-robins]

Headcanon time!

Jason & cooking

I'll preface this with these words: I love the fanon of Jason loving to cook and being madly skilled at it! I just look at it in a different light.

Firstly, food & hoarding behaviors

Coming from a childhood where food being on the table when it was needed was never a sure thing, especially after losing his already paltry housing, Jason definitely grew up with fixations and neuroses surrounding food and it being available to him.

He hoarded food when he first came to the manor, which Bruce and Alfred did not scold him for, but did spark lengthy conversations about getting out of the habit of taking and learning to ask and request, as well as outlining what was okay for him to keep in his room without refrigeration (individually wrapped bars, unopened cans, other nonperishables or fruits and other snacks he was planning to eat immediately).

While he now had access to regular (not to mention lavish) meals at the manor, he never fully grew out of the need to keep a stash. As Robin, he kept meal bars in his Robin costume, so that he would have something to eat if he felt a nibble of hunger during a long stake-out.

This compulsion to ensure he'd always have food within immediate reach was never fully beaten; even as Red Hood, he carries nutritious items all over his person. To account for his sheer body mass and above-average metabolism (a Lazarus Pit side-effect I HC for him) he carries compact high-calorie and protein-jammed bars in pockets and little hideaway spots that he made all over his gear.

(If he ever gives you a bar without prompting, that's him saying I like you. He doesn't share his food willy-nilly.)

Food & cooking/preparing his own

Very soon after becoming a resident in the manor, Jason showed interest in learning to prepare parts of the meals he was now being given. It offered him a place to bond with Alfred, as well as a productive activity other than school work or Robin duties. For the first few months, Jason was very focused on trying to be useful to his caretakers, because he still had the underlying fear that he could be at risk of expulsion from the house, or physical violence for not meeting expectations.

Bruce and Alfred of course frequently assured him that he did not have to labour for their approval, but they saw that learning to cook was something he actively enjoyed doing, so he wasn't discouraged.

In adulthood, Jason prepares food with whatever means he is given. Just a crappy stovetop with only one working pit? He'll steam veggies above some diced potatoes and fill in the gaps with anything else he can scrounge up. A big oven? He'll make a huge oven bake to portion up to share around or keep as leftovers.

I headcanon that he does not particularly care for sweet snacks or chips; they're not terribly nutritious, mostly filled with sugars that'll provide a quick glucose shot and little more. If he needs a pick-me-up because he's feeling faint, he'll pop a dextrose tab and then get to work on a more substantial meal at the soonest good opportunity. His blood sugars already tend to fluctuate more than the median due to his Lazarus-tweaked metabolism burning through his food intake faster, so he tries not to overindulge on sugary things because let's not throw fuel on the fire and go into hyperglycemia. Hyperglycemia is a bitch.

(There will always be room for Alfred's cookies, though)

Unlike most headcanons I've seen, I don't picture Jason as being (or even wanting to be) skilled like a michelin-star chef. For me, his thing is making functional meals that'll fuel his body and satisfy him. He is a master of meeting all of the body's nutritional needs for a meal on one plate. You've got your proteins, your fiber, your fats, your carbs and minerals taken care of when he's cooking. It won't look like a meal a world-class cook would serve in a famous restaurant, but it's good for you and will taste great.

When free time permits it, he cooks big batches of food to hand out to locals who don't have the same food security he now cherishes. He cans veggies after he buys them in bulk (because he doesn't think any veggies he could try to grow in Gotham would be safe to eat for humans), and has a stockpile of rice ready to go in any safehouse. He donates both food and cash to food banks all over the state, and tells the poor kids in the area which foods are best for survival.

(He swears he isn't teaching them what to shoplift. He'd never give them pointers on how to do the necessary evil right if things are desperate enough. Okay fine, but if they were gonna steal anyway because the system's fucked, what's so bad about him giving them pointers on how to pick something worth the risk? He knows the tools of the trade, and he's not turning his back on the people whose lives are like his once was.)

[personuhh]

Notice about the Yosuke Romance Mod:

I’m incredibly upset that I have to make this post, but unfortunately my fears and doubts about this mod have been confirmed, and I’d like to give some warning to those of you still excited about it. (Pics will be under the cut to try and keep this relatively short.)

As you may know, I volunteered more than a month ago to help with the romance mod, and I did so with the intent of offering a second opinion, though I also offered to bug test and help proofread and catch grammatical errors. My first impressions of the mod creator were that he was incredibly stubborn, and intent on writing it the EXACT way he had planned it. I mentioned this in the tags of one of my posts after we first talked (Oct 13th). For about a month I messaged him sporadically to try and get somewhere with the mod (asking him to send me scripts so I could work on them) but he kept essentially saying he was working on it alone.

In my opinion, the key to ensuring a project like this doesn’t end up a disaster is to assemble a diverse writing team. I suggested this, but he kept saying that he had already finished most of it and was insistent on keeping it the same. I’m sure most of you have seen the mod page already, but there is a blatant spelling error in one of the screenshots which I offered to fix. He didn’t seem concerned about it.

Today, a friend of mine on twitter posted some concerns he had with the mod, and the creator was evidently searching specifically for tweets that contained “Yosuke romance mod” (something that I suspected was happening because it happened several times to me as well), because he replied to the post despite not following my friend.

I had been following him for a while on twitter, and he initially struck me as a “dudebro” type, and as far as I know, he is not LGBT+, I didn’t want to assume, but he kept mentioning “getting other viewpoints” which to me means that he himself is not gay. I rarely saw anything about Yosuke, which also set off some red flags. I started to wonder why he was writing a Yosuke romance mod in the first place, but when he stated he was “adjusting existing dialogue” to make the romance route “feel natural” I had to step in.

Yosuke’s character arc is INCREDIBLY important. To myself, and many other LGBT+ people, Yosuke is already a realistic depiction of a closeted teenage boy. On the surface, people may look at his lines and say they’re homophobic, but in my opinion, that should not be censored or removed to make him more palatable. It’s a part of his arc. When you remove these slightly more controversial lines and scenes, to me that says that a) you do not understand the nuance of his character b) you are trying to make an easily consumable and pandering gay romance without acknowledging the character flaws that make Yosuke who he is.

The groundwork has already been laid for Yosuke and Yu’s relationship; you don’t need to change anything other than Rank 10 of Yosuke’s social link, because the build up is there. The hug is the leftover romance flag, you don’t need to change anything else. Sure, adding in extra scenes to reflect his romantic relationship with the protagonist would be great (Valentines day, Christmas, festival, etc.) but changing scenes like the school campout that would effectively sweep these things under the rug is questionable. Yosuke’s confession should acknowledge his behavior, not erase it.

So. I confronted him about this, and he refused to acknowledge the potential faults of the mod, saying that for anyone who disliked these changes, it was “tough shit”. I’m just so incredibly disappointed, especially since this mod means so much to a lot of the LGBT+ fans of Persona 4. Even with me begging for him to PLEASE listen to LGBT+ people’s concerns regarding the mod, he still refuses to budge.

TLDR; the mod’s creator is refusing to take suggestions or input from LGBT+ creators on how to handle this romance, believes that Yosuke needs to be “changed” in order for him to be in a relationship with the protagonist, and cannot take criticism.

It’s not like he’s being intentionally malicious, but the refusal to listen to anyone with a different opinion is incredibly concerning to me when the entire point of the mod is to write in a gay romance.

More of our conversation under the cut:

It was a bit like talking to a brick wall, I don’t understand how he reached this conclusion, but it sure is frustrating that it’s all he took from this conversation 🥴

https://twitter.com/REALMadMax1960/status/1333586012442816512?s=19

[archangeldraws]

Reunion- Part two

A King Ghidorah fanfiction

Doraut AU

The human crew watches in awe and shock, as all of Ghidorah's heads lean towards their ship and look closely at the woman standing on the railing. She stretches an arm out, placing her hand on the beast's snout and smiles, tears streaking her face. She didn't look scared. Happy even. It was as if seeing a mother being reunited with her lost child. The thought itself was just absurd. How could a human be so happy to get this close to Monster Zero? That thing killed so many people, tried to take over the world, controlled other Titans and ordered them to destroy everything in their path. He even tried to kill Godzilla and died at his hand. Then some insane rich maniacs used his leftover parts to built a robot, again to kill Godzilla and that thing came back to life! How could this strange woman, who they'd only know for a few months and didn't know about any of the things that happened in the last 10 years be so eager to meet this murderous being?!

King Ghidorah studies the little being in front of him, as if he'd never seen a human before. The fact he's just been standing there for minutes, staring down at them and hadn't attacked yet was a miracle in on itself. Usually, and everyone knew it, Ghidorah attacks on sight. Usually, there was no hesitation. But this time the dragon seems unsure on what to do. The middle head's tongue snakes out, tasting the air. It was as if the woman and the beast were talking, without using words. She had explained to them before, that she could communicate with Ghidorah via telepathy since she was a child. And it.... It used to be her pet. What a strange thought. How could this being have ever been someone's pet? It's been on this world, encased in ice for 20.000 years and she says she was Ghidorah's old master and came from the future, 1.000 years from now. This doesn't make ANY sense!

Someone screams as Monster Zero's tongue lashes forwards, wrapping around the woman and picking her up. For a second they think it's trying to swallow her and they raise their weapons, ready to shoot. But it doesn't. It just... turns around and casually walks back to the mountain it came from. It didn't attack them, just... Took the woman and left. That's.... weird. “Should.... Should we do something, Sir?” A soldier turns to his commander, waiting for orders. The man that was his superior shakes his head. “No. She asked us not to do anything if we aren't in danger. Even if it killed her, we are not to engage. She wanted this. Monarch's orders.” Everyone on board stood still, not daring to move just yet. No one has every gotten this close to Monster Zero and lived to tell the tale. It's behavior was very unusual. They have to report this. In their fear they didn't even notice the rumble that came from the left head. A low grumbling sound from deep within it's throat. Like a purr.

Ghidorah leaves the ship behind. Ni thought if thrashing it with a tail, but Ichi decided against it. “Leave it be.”, he told his brother. He moves back up the mountain, back into their cave. He lays down, the middle head bending down to carefully release the tiny being wrapped in his tongue and looks at her with his usual emotionless expression. San was shaking with excitement. He wanted to dash forward and headbutt the human. Like he used to as a Dorat. Some old habits are hard to kill. But he restrains himself. Because now his happy greeting would crush her to mush, if he did so. “Explain yourself. How are you here?” Ni squints his eyes at the woman, not sure if he should be happy or angry. He decided on angry. “How are you still alive? We thought you died a long time ago. If you've been alive this whole time, why didn't you come sooner?! WHY?!” Ni roars, angry and hurt. Eva sighs, collecting herself and stands up straight. “I know you're angry and confused. I will explain everything. Things are not as you think.” “HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE THINK?! YOU GAVE UP ON US! YOU ABANDONED US!!” “Ni, please. I didn't abandon you! Let me explain.” “EXCUSES!” “Brother, calm down! Let her talk. We'll decide what to do, after.” Ichi towers over Ni, looking down on his brother in a dominating manner. He's telling him to stay quiet. Ni huffs, seething with anger but he bends down submissively. For now.

After taking in a deep breath, Eva sits down on the ground. “Do you still remember the day everything changed? When they took you from me? It was horrible. I still remember the looks on your faces as my parents handed you over, just like that. They sold you. They didn't know what they wanted with you, but they didn't really ask either. All we knew was, that the government needed you to 'help mankind', but I didn't buy it. Why would they need Dorats to help mankind? Dorats were just pets, like cats or dogs. I didn't understand. I was just a child.... But I did promise I would come for you. And I kept my promise. Since that day I have been working hard to get you back. I studied hard in school, helped in charities and got in contact with activists. Anything that could have something to do with the government and Dorats. Over the years I managed to find my way to different kinds of people, until I ended up with a rebel group. We had some things in common. Like me they knew something was up, something bad. That our country's leaders were keeping secrets and doing things that were more than illegal. Like me... They had lost their Dorats. I figured out there was a pattern. All the Dorats that were taken had strong psychic abilities. So we collected more information, as discretely as we could. Some of them had connections. We found out that there was a secret lab, hidden down below Mount Fuji. We heard of terrible experiments going on there. That they were working on a biological weapon to take out Godzilla. That was their plan. They wanted to create a titan, one that was stronger than the king of the monsters, to take his place. A new king. One they could control. That's why they chose Dorats for their experiments. Because, unlike other animals, Dorats were a man made being, one that was more intelligent and easy to control through it's mind. Project: King Ghidorah.”

“How did you know we were still alive?” San snakes closer, looking sad. The information they were getting was very different to what they knew. Not that they knew much. The memories of their abuse was pushed back as far as possible, not wanting to remember what had been done to them. Then again, there were many blackouts in their memory.

“Like I said, the other rebels too, had lost their beloved Dorats. But the difference between them and you was, after some time, they had received their Dorats back. In urns....” she chuckles, though not in an amused way. “Those sick bastards. After their experiments failed, they burned the bodies and send their ashes back to their owners. So they could 'mourn' them. I never received yours. So I was clinging to the hope that you were still alive. Even years later. But.... There have been days I wished I would wake up to seeing three little urns standing on my dresser. Then you wouldn't be in pain anymore...” She coughs, rubbing some tears from her face. “I've been working with the rebel group secretly for about 2 years, taking on some Taekwan do classes, learning how to use a weapon, how to work computers... I was getting ready to come and get you. We managed to get some connections within the secret facilities. People who, like us, knew that this was wrong. And people who had changed their minds and sided with us. We snuck in. We thought we were prepared. And we were too proud. I lost many good friends that day. They either died or were taken.... I'm not proud of the things I've done. I left them behind and just kept on pushing forward. I was so determined on getting to you, I lost a bit of myself on the way... When I finally reached you... I didn't know what to think. You were no longer my three little boys, but instead.... A monster.”

Eva looks up to face Ghidorah once more, trying to read their faces. San looks sad. Ichi looks unmoved. But there was a glint in his eye. If he was feeling anything, he was hiding it very well. Ni... Ni always wore his anger on his sleeve. And now it wasn't any different. “Monster... Yes. Nothing we haven't heard before.” Ichi frowns a little. As if hearing that word come from her mouth actually hurt, for once. “We.... We don't remember any of this... You came for us? Why can't we remember seeing you?” San wore a strained look on his face, as if trying hard to remember something, searching his mind for anything. But there was nothing. “You can't remember because... You weren't there. Your body was, but your minds were.... trapped, or something. It was as if you were a zombie. I shouted your names. I touched you. I even kicked and punched you, just to get any kind of reaction! But there was nothing. Your eyes were so lifeless... When I found you... You were in some kind of underground enclosure. A prison, really. Chained down in every way possible, so you wouldn't be able to even move an inch. Not that you could anyway. When my touch and my voice couldn't reach you, I tried feeling for your minds. But they were just as empty as your eyes. But still, I knew you were still in there, somewhere. I could feel it! I tried to free you, releasing all those chains, but I didn't have enough time. Some of the scientists found me and attacked me. In the middle of our fight we somehow... activated something. I hadn't noticed it before, but they had managed to, I don't know how... Create a time portal. And that thing was big. Big enough for you to fit.” “A time portal? For what?” Ichi looks at her as if she was an alien, saying she was coming in peace. “That's the thing. They wanted you to kill Godzilla and take his place as the new alpha titan. But you weren't strong enough to take him on just yet. So they had the brilliant idea to send you back in time and kill him when he was younger and weaker. And then to use you to control all the titans and become the strongest power on the whole planet. But before they could get you ready, I destroyed their plans. In our struggle, the last of your restrains came lose and you were sucked into the portal.... Ichi, Ni, San... You were send back in time, 20.000 years from now. But we, you and I, were originally from the time 3025... We actually come from the future.”

It seems like those news actually shocked the golden demise, as Ghidorah sits down, taking all of this in. “Then.... How are YOU here?” Ni asks, looking tired from too much information. “I got sucked in as well. But the portal was unstable and kept changing its time settings and coordinates every few seconds. So I actually landed here a few months ago. We left at the same time, but now there is a time difference of 20.000 years between us. It's unbelievable that after so long, you are still alive! I almost gave up on finding you again. When they told me Godzilla destroyed you.... And how your brain was used for a robot... And how you came back to life. I-... I couldn't believe it, really. But here you are! And we can talk again! Our link is still there... I'm-.... I'm so happy to see you.” Eva chokes on her words, tears swelling up in her eyes again. “To hear your voices after all those years, it's like a dream. And I hope I never wake up from this!” “You... You're not scared of us?” San leans down, sniffing her. “I could never be scared of you.” “We could kill you, you know. We are no longer those Dorats you knew. We are no ones pet. We are KING Ghidorah!” Ichi says this, in a matter of facts. “I know... I know you could. And I came prepared. If you want me dead, you can kill me. I don't mind. I just wanted to see you, one last time.” Her voice is shaking. Not from fear, but from happiness. Happy to see them. King Ghidorah, Monster Zero, the golden demise, the one that is many. King Killer. Ichi, Ni and San. She sits before them, ready to receive death. She's happy, now that she got what she wanted. Seeing them, talking to them. Letting them know that her love for them was so strong, that she is willing to die at their claws if it makes them happy.

Ghidorah lies down on the ground, placing his three heads in front of the human before them. “Know this. If you leave us again, then we WILL kill you. Understood?” Eva looks up at Ichi. Even though he just threatened her, he didn't say it with as much malice as he normally would. He even smirked a little. “You better stay. Or WE will come find you this time!” Ni snarls, but the sound that came from him was more a purr than a growl. “We missed you.” San licked her carefully and purred even louder.

A few hours later, the ship was still there, the crew watched Ghidorah emerge from his cave again and approaching them. Did he kill her after all? Is he coming for them next? King Ghidorah growls at them, but the middle head reaches down once more. On his head? The woman. And she looks very much alive. She waves and shouts at them. “Thank you for helping me! I'll be staying here now. But maybe you can do me another favor? I'll be needing some necessities. Food, clothes, shelter and all that. You got a tent on there somewhere?”

What a strange request. A human, living among Kaiju? No human was ever allowed to step foot on this island. But this was good. With Eva living on Monster Island and with Ghidorah as her protector, they could study them even better. What's the cost of food, clothing and some electronics and everything she asks for in return for such valuable information? She even promised to help them study Ghidorah more, if he doesn't kill her. As long as they swear not to harm him in any way or use the information against him. So they hook her up with everything she needs. They built a new Monarch outpost near the island, nothing too big and send a small boat towards the island once a week to bring their new 'co-worker' everything she needs. At first she got a big tent that was placed inside the cave. Then Ghidorah allowed some humans to bring containers, to make a makeshift house inside his cave, so Eva could be warm during winter. But they were still cautious. They learned pretty quickly that Monster Zero only allows them near him as long as Eva was there as well. If she wasn't, he would revert back to his old behavior and attack any human vessel coming closer. But they can work with that. And the things they learned was important to them, to understand titans and help the world understand and live with them peacefully. Especially the weekly reports they received from Eva about what Ghidorah was up to, how he interacted with other titans, even Godzilla himself. Which they noticed, would apparently come and check up on the dragon. They learned that Godzilla seemed very surprised to find a human with Ghidorah. Eva also managed to snap some really interesting photos on that island. Of kaiju sub-species they haven't seen before and even selfies with Ghidorah AND Godzilla in the background. Even better when she send them photos of Rodan, who came to visit and Mothra as well. Knowing titans act so human like to visit each other and talk like friends was just... funny.

Read part 1 here- https://archangeldraws.tumblr.com/post/649687984452648960/reunion

(Eva is my human OC)

Do not repost my stuff

[haymaker-mva]

– The Pigtails are Off – (4)

Part 4: The three times Luka met Marinette

Now, you may be wondering: How did everyone get their carmines? All of the students found carmines and a note on their front steps the day Marinette reached the end of her rope. It can be assumed that Marinette used her connections to get a carmine to everyone. Except Marc because she wanted to give his carmine to him with Nathaniel at school/in person. Also about that, The Confrontation (As I'm calling it) happens at lunch. Marinette left and didn't come back for the rest of the day. Hope that cleared any confusions up! Sorry for the long notes section.

Also, I planned to post this after having another part done, but I feel guilty having a part ready while having no motivation to write lately. So, take this and prepare for a long wait.

Ao3 - First - Previous - Next

When Luka Couffine first met Marinette, it was years before he met her.

...

For good measure, Marinette slipped a carmine onto his wrist. Just in case.

-

When Luka Couffine first met Marinette, it was years before he met her.

Let me explain.

It was about two years ago, when he was fifteen. He was trying to get into the Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie when he bumped into a girl.

She had long black hair that flowed down her back in waves. It shone with blue highlights that the sun cast, and she wore a jean jacket and a black pleated skirt with pink edges. Her boots were a dark brown, and she also had a pair of pink hoop earrings. Last was her tank top, which was white with a black Jagged Stone design.

Anyway, she was walking out of the bakery with something whitte folded in her arms. She seemed to be glaring at the item annoyedly when Luka opened the door and promptly walked into her.

She fell backwards, onto her butt, gripping the fabric of her item tightly. Luka fell backwards as well, and he just managed to save the guitar that had previously been on his back. Luka looked up at who he had crashed into, and the first thing he noticed was the tank top.

“Sorry… wait, you like Jagged Stone?” Luka said dumbly.

“Ugh.. yeah, I do. What’s it to you?” The girl replied, getting up off the ground. Her voice wasn’t annoyed, just apprehensive. Luka could hear her song stutter, as if she wasn’t used to people asking things like that to her.

“I love Jagged Stone! I wanted to ask where you got that shirt?” Luka asked, finally getting up and slinging his guitar back over his shoulder.

“...I made it. The design is official but It always was too small or the fabric was too rough in official merch.” The girl told him.

“Oh. I asked so I could get one of my own. I agree with what you said about official merch. Jagged really needs to get a better provider or something.” Luka agreed, moving off to the side inside the bakery with her.

“Well, I have a t-shirt that’s pretty much the same that I could give you,” The girl offered, holding out the item that Luka now knew was a shirt. “I originally made it for myself, but I misjudged the measurements and made it too big.”

“That’d be awesome!” Luka said, taking the surprisingly soft t-shirt and holding it up to himself. “How much do I owe you?”

“You want to pay me?” She asked, raising her eyebrows. “It’s a leftover, it’s fine.”

“No, you made it and now you’re just giving it to someone you’ve never met. I’m paying you.” Luka pulled twenty dollars out of his pocket and put it into the girl’s hand.

“It’s honestly fine,” She started, but a ring from her phone cut her off. She glanced at it, and her eyes went wide. “I have to go!” She turned and rushed out the door, not even remembering her resistance to getting paid for her work.

Luka watched her rush off with a small smile, and walked up to the counter to buy something for him and Juleka. Picture day was today, and she probably just got home. Best to stock up on treats.

-

The second time Luka met her was around a year ago, when he was seventeen and she was sixteen.

This time he had heard of her from Juleka before the second meet. He had been all ready and stocked up for a comfort session because it was picture day for Juleka. But when she got back, she was all smiles. Luka listened to her speak about a girl named Marinette like she was a god on earth. But Juleka also seemed nervous. Like she wasn’t sure if she was doing something wrong or not. But that was just Luka’s guess.

Anyway, Luka was just happy that Juleka finally had a good picture day. Luka was immensely grateful for this Marinette, he would have to make sure to thank her when he met her.

A few weeks later Marinette was walking dejectedly towards the room that she was told Luka would be in. As soon as she was out of sight of the others she straightened her slouched back and wiped the sadness off of her face.

She knew she should be a bit more careful, but it was annoying to act like her life revolved around a guy. It painted her as endearing and not a threat, so it was “worth” it. Some days she got tired of it though. In reality, Marinette only had a small crush on the boy.  She liked his kind personality, but it wasn’t anything as extreme as she played it up to be.

Anyway, Marinette walked towards the doorway to what she assumed was Juleka and Luka’s room. She walked in to see a boy with deep black hair that was dyed teal at the edges. He wore a slightly worn Jagged Stone shirt that looked familiar to Marinette. His eyes were closed, and he seemed to be meditating. She shook her head and looked at him calculatingly. This must be Luka. He looked like the calm type. He definitely liked music, she could see a guitar on his bed.

His eyes opened and she immediately scrambled to look like she just got there.

“H-hey! My name’s Ma-Ma-Marinette! It-uh, your Mom sent me down here, the grove, er, um, the group’s- waiting for you.” She stuttered “nervously.”

` -

Luka studied the girl who had just come in.

As soon as she walked in the door, Luka could feel confidence and poise radiating off of someone. His eyes had been closed, but the orchestra that was this girl’s song was unignorable. He opened his eyes after a moment of listening to the carefully crafted sound that flowed out of her. For a split second after opening his eyes he saw her face. She was looking at him with the expression of a scientist, detached and serious. She seemed to be evaluating him. But after that millisecond, she scrambled and started stuttering.

“H-hey! My name’s Ma-Ma-Marinette! It-uh, your Mom sent me down here, the grove, er, um, the group’s- waiting for you.”

He studied her for a moment. This personality was miles away from what he had just seen. Her music was the same, except for a small flute sound that represented her current behavior. This was off. The way Marinette was acting… it wasn’t real. He decided to play along for now though. If her previously seen personality was anything to go by, this girl was confident in herself. Usually there was something to back that type of raw confidence up. Also, he was thankful for what she had done for his sister.

“Hi, Ma-Ma-Marinette.” He said, chuckling behind his hand.

She looked away for a moment, and by the way she stood he would assume she was sad. But her music suggested otherwise. She was angry. Deafeningly angry.

“Sorry,” He backtracked, still trying to act like he didn’t know what she was doing. Not that he did, he had no clue why she was faking her personality. “I didn’t mean to offend. I tend to make more sense with this.”

Luka reached over to his guitar and pulled it into his lap. He readied himself and patted the bed, motioning for Marinette to sit down. She compiled, and sat down with an expression of curiosity on her features.

He started playing the melody he heard from her, although he couldn’t do it justice with just one instrument. He kept quiet, letting the music speak for himself. (He totally wasn’t afraid to say something wrong and anger the frightening girl. Not at all.)

As he played, he saw Marinette’s eyes close, and her hand came up to rest on her heart. She seemed to relax, letting a small smile creep onto her face. It was the first real reaction he had seen her give. (And purposefully let him see, that is.)

He smiled, and closed his eyes too, absorbing himself in the sound of the music.

-

After that meeting, Luka couldn’t keep Marinette off of his mind. What has she been hiding? Why was she wearing such a thick mask? His curiosity with Marinette started as just that, a curiosity. But over time and more encounters, he found himself falling for her. Not her fake stuttering and demeanor, but the snippets of her true self he saw shining through. His heart beat faster when she grew determined or confident.

Luka knew that he was falling hard and fast, and for a girl that kept her guard up constantly. He managed to get more moments of her real personality whenever she got immersed in his music. So, he wrote more music for her. Juleka noticed, obviously, and Luka noticed her nervousness at his new crush (it totally wasn’t growing bigger then that...right?), but didn’t know what to make of it. What he didn’t notice was Juleka’s fear.

-

And now the third and last, yet somehow the first time Luka Couffine met Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

-

Juleka handed Luka the piece of paper.

“What’s this? Is this what Sabrina was here so early for?” He asked, taking the folded paper.

“N-no… Well, yes, b-but it’s from Marinette.” With that, Juleka left the room to meet with Rose, who was standing on the dock to the boat.

Luka looked at the paper in his hand. Juleka’s music had been sporadic, messy. But he could feel relief seeping in. He wondered what was up.

Anyway, he unfolded the note, and read the contents.

“Meet at the Trocadéro at 4 pm. Will explain later.”

Luka’s eyebrows arched. What was this? Was something happening? Was she…? No. Luka couldn’t get his hopes up. He folded the note and slipped it in his pocket.

Looks like he was going to the Trocadéro later that day.

Hours later, Luka sat atop a bench on the bridge in the Trocadéro. He absentmindedly strummed his guitar, letting the music echo around him as he waited.

After around five minutes of waiting, Luka heard the impressive orchestra of Marinette’s song. He turned to see her, and was shocked by her new look. He blinked, getting over his initial surprise, and smiled, patting the spot on the bench beside him.

Marinette obliged, sitting down with an unreadable expression on her face. She closed her eyes and listened to Luka playing her song. After a minute or two, she knew it was time to explain.

“I’m willing to bet you already knew I was faking.”

“Yep, you can’t hide your true self when I can see what displays who you truly are.” Luka realized what he said, and expected to be hit with a, “...what?”, but instead was met with silence. He blinked in surprise at the lack of reaction, and looked to his right to see Marinette staring at the water with a thoughtful expression painted across her face.

“You mean because of my ‘song?’” She asked.

Her question took him off guard, but Luka quickly tried to recover. “Y-yeah, pretty much. I’m not good with words, like I said when we first met.”

She let a small laugh fall from her lips. After that though, Luka desperately tried to stop thinking about her, uhm, lips. He blinked, and she was talking again. “I’m sorry- no, I’m not really sorry. I did what I did to try and experience a bit of normal. Maybe reform myself.” She sighed, a frustrated expression on her face. “But it was hard to keep that demeanor up. Especially once Lila started feeding everyone lies about my ‘actions’ and ‘bullying.’”

“I think you should just be who you are, corny as that sounds.” Luka replied, nudging her with his shoulder. “Or if you really do want to get better, do it little by little. Don’t just jump headfirst into a new personality.”

“Yeah, I kinda get that now,” She snarked dryly.

“But I wouldn’t blame you for being petty right about now. I know a bit about Lila from the rest of Kitty Section, and she seems like a bitch.”

Marinette surprised him by laughing. “You hit the nail right on it’s head, she is such a snake. No wait, that would be an offence to snakes.” She smirked knowingly.

Luka and Marinette talked until it was dark and they had to go home. For good measure, Marinette slipped a carmine onto his wrist. Just in case.

Ao3 - First - Previous - Next

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[missinghan]

「 semper lucet ↠ bang chan 」

You’ve been a loner for as long as you can remember. 

Really, as melodramatic as it sounds, you don’t think it’s fair when every other kid in class always sits together during lunch and talks about something as silly as a new trendy toy that they saw on TV the night before or complains about how much vegetables their mom's packed into their lunchbox. And they always have a partner when the teacher tells the class to work in pairs. No one ever gets left out. Unlike you. 

Every day is the same as every other day; you get home from school only to find a single lamp in the hallway being lit up, dinner in a box of Tupperware inside the fridge that’s at least five times bigger than yourself and a cold pitch of milk on the marble counter. You also don’t think it’s fair when your classmates get to run into their parents’ arms after a long day full of monstrous lessons because, sadly, your parents have never come home before ten o’clock. 

Some outsiders might find it funny if they witness a nine-year-old preparing her own meal, getting washed up on her own, and tucking herself into bed. Others might find it dangerous and irresponsible of the parents to leave their daughter at home all alone at such ungodly hours. But you? You find it quite depressing actually, sometimes you wonder if you’ve done something terrible in your past life to deserve to die alone in this one. 

Hence, sleep doesn’t like you that much. Most of the time, you’d be turning and tossing under your comforter non-stop until your parents’ footsteps can be heard outside. Other times, you’d find yourself having a staring competition with the ceiling until sleep finally gives in and draws a hand over your eyes. Your boring life goes on like so, slowly and dreadfully.

Well, at least it keeps going like that until something crashes onto your balcony. Or someone. 

“Ow, I’d better work on my landings next time.” It’s a boy, you assume. “Sorry I was running a little late, I miscalculated and got lost on the way. I’m Bang Chan, by the way, nice to meet you!”

From then on, he crashes at your place (literally) every night, though you have to give him more credit because his landings only improve through time. It’s the giggles that are the sails upon your boat. You both find the funny in every little thing and for the first time ever, you find yourself laughing so much that there are tears in your eyes like a dam that’s about to break and your stomach hurts like no other. It’s the kind of sweetness that you need during rough times but he’s more than just someone who makes you laugh. 

Chan is probably the best thing that’s ever happened in your life and you truly don’t deserve him. And the best things don’t happen twice, they say. 

He goes through the years with a petty, teenage-angst Y/N that decides it’s a good idea to resent her parents for the rest of her life. Edgy, you know. And you go through the years enduring his baffling questions about how insignificant humans are in this universe and his weird obsession for the pile of philosophical books that your dad gave you as a Christmas gift. 

But you’re more than willing to hear him ramble about how irritating and insufferable humans can be sometimes because of his dimples, his curly locks, and the way his eyes light up like a supernova when he gets excited about something. There’s kindness in his smile, a gentleness that’s irreplaceable. It’s the smile of one who laughs with ease, a soul-connector. You suppose he’s the kind of person who lives how he believes people should, a ray of sunshine wherever he goes. Chan is the calm sea, a friend, a guardian angel. 

Yet most of all, he’s your lucky star. 

“I live on the brightest star up there,” Chan speaks softly. “Did you know that?”

“Hmm, that’s very charming, tell me more,” you toss a piece of popcorn at him, snorting involuntarily. 

It’s a lovely Saturday evening and your parents have decided to go out to their favorite restaurant after a tiring business trip, leaving you at home with a sad portion of leftover spaghetti from your dad’s birthday party. Chan’s situated next to you on the couch with a boring rom-com playing on the TV and a bowl of popcorn on his lap, your head leaned against his shoulder. Nothing new. Though normally, he’d start making fun of the cliché plot and terrible acting with you, a lot has been on his mind. It’s a shame you don’t notice how sad his starry eyes are tonight. 

“I’ll have to leave soon, I don’t have much time left,” he lets out a breath, an exasperated sigh. 

You reply with little consideration, only paying attention to how stale the popcorn is, “Okay, my parents are gonna be home soon anyway.”

“No,” Chan’s voice suddenly becomes firm and this causes you to startle. “I’m leaving for good. You’ll never get to see me again.” 

A pang of fear is evident inside your rib cage. It’s finally time. The time you know would come sooner or later but dread. You’ll have to say goodbye to the only person that you genuinely care about other than yourself, to the only person that you feel happy with. How are you supposed to bid him a farewell without feeling like you’re losing a part of yourself?

“You’re my friend, Chan, I’m not gonna let you go, not like this.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. There’s nothing I can do,” Chan pushes your hands away gently and stands up from the couch, knocking the bowl of popcorn onto the floor. “I hope life won’t be so unfair towards you anymore.”

You swallow dry, tears already pooling inside your eyes, “What happened to ‘I’ll always be with you’ then?”

“Don’t humans lie to themselves in order to feel better?” Were his last words before disintegrating into a thousand bits of stardust. You should have known better; you wanted a friend and the universe answered your calling. But with every granted wish comes a consequence — another star will lose its light.

Chan’s stepped out of your life so easily and you wish you could do the same with moving on from him. It’s not easy when wherever you go, you see his face and hear his laughter. It definitely doesn’t help when there’s a rose attached to your university acceptance letter for astronomy. And the afterwords of the letter reads ‘To every star that you’re looking for’.

During your days of working as an apprentice for professor’s Park, a strange asteroid catches your attention with little time. Its pattern of behaviors is making you highly concerned since the amount of nuclear fuel it’s exhausting is downright alarming. It’s going through the various stages of a star’s life almost as though it’s a human being. With the help of Park, you’ve concluded that due to the unstably explosive core, this has caused far too many reactions and absolutely no control over how fast it’s using up hydrogen. After a few decades, once there’s no fuel left, the star will collapse and its outer layer will explode as a ‘supernova’. 

Although your prediction seems to be too irrational and unrealistic, the research’s still nominated for an award. And while professor Park is dealing with the press all smoothly, you remain anonymous under the project’s name, only going as far as letting them know you’re the one who’s named the star ‘Semper Lucet, Bang Chan’. 

Or in English — ‘Bang Chan, Always Shining’.

[sulkybbarnes]

This is a birthday present for one of my most favorite people and a wonderful, beautiful person! @letitialewiss I love you tons and I hope that this little fic brings you a smile today. Happy birthday, Kim 💖💕

“If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.”

-Jane Austen, Emma

The problem with Eddie’s feelings is that they tend to get all encompassing, until they’re clinging to every inch of him, covering every piece of cloth he wears, trailing behind him on the floor. 

He always feels things deeply, be it grief or love or joy. Feelings tend to grip Eddie’s heart and make a home there until he is ready -or willing- to express them. And it’s that latter part, really, that gives him the most trouble. While Eddie feels every emotion and holds it close, he can seldom find a way to describe how he feels, the words sticking in his throat and refusing to budge. 

He’s become better with it over the years by virtue of becoming a father and an adult, he’s a far ways away from where he started years ago. No longer holding everything in until it tears him to shreds, but he needs practice still. Growing up the way he did, with expectations and responsibilities always looming over him, made it far easier to bottle things in or set them aside rather than voicing them.

Eddie taught himself to talk out his thoughts and emotions with Chris, making sure to set a good example for his son. He talks to Chris about grief and love and fear, in small portions and words carefully chosen to show his son that he is allowed to feel things and voice them too. He tells Chris that he loves him often, and he’s never had any trouble expressing that love and gratitude for his little boy, but that talent seems to extend only to Chris and things that have to do with his well being. Outside of matters connecting to his son’s happiness and safety, Eddie has a harder time voicing his feelings. Especially when they connected to Eddie’s happiness and well being.

Eddie struggles with waves of grief that crash over him without prior warning, and he still tells his abuela that he’s fine when she asks. He feels exhausted between work, house chores, and being a single parent, yet brushes off Hen’s concern with a smile. His heart is overtaken with longing when Buck does something endearing, but he shakes his head and laughs it off when Buck asks Something on my face? 

He acknowledges these feelings, he just doesn’t necessarily know how to voice them yet. Be it to ask for help or to tell a certain someone that their smile makes Eddie’s days more bearable. This isn’t a new problem, but it’s one he’s only been working through over the past two years or so. Eddie is getting better at it, he is, but some things can’t wait for him to work through every learned behavior and every wall he put up to protect himself. And so, Eddie decides to take action where words fail him.

It’s a simple enough solution, really. 

Eddie knows his heart and the way it beats differently whenever he’s around Buck, and if he can’t outright tell Buck how he feels then he can show him. He made the realization about his feelings quite some time ago and spent hours in his own head since; examining every moment from different angles and thinking through what it all means. He reaches a conclusion, after months of carefully not putting a name to what he feels, when it all comes crashing down around him soon after the train wreck and his run-in with Abby. 

The protectiveness Eddie felt that day towards Buck was a fierce thing that couldn’t be ignored. Eddie wanted to grab Buck and shield him from hurt. He wanted to hold his face and ask what Buck needed Eddie to do. He wanted to tell Buck that he loved him, and that Eddie and Chris would never walk away from him. Every thought and emotion that came after that day resonated throughout Eddie’s body and lived in every part of him. He couldn’t tame the feelings or leave them unnamed. 

Eddie loves Buck. He loves him fiercely and completely, the way you can only love someone you know like your own heart. 

Eddie knows this beyond a doubt. He names the feeling and sits with it for a while, then embraces it and makes his decision. He loves Buck, and he thinks -hopes, really- that Buck might feel the same way. And so, all Eddie has to do now is show Buck, if he can’t outright tell him. 

He has to put his heart out there to be weighed and measured, and to hopefully not be found wanting. So. Piece of cake.

-------

The problem with trying to woo Evan Buckley is that Evan Buckley seems to have absolutely no fucking clue when he’s being wooed. It isn’t because Buck is oblivious or unaware, but the fact that they’re as close as they are makes any attempt at typical romance futile. Eddie asks Buck out for dinner but it ends up being another Tuesday night with them having dinner and drinks like they do every other week. He allows himself to be tactile, brushing against Buck more as they walk, or putting a hand to his arm, but quickly realizes that these touches aren’t out of the ordinary. In fact, they’re so tactile that it’s habit now and Eddie only noticed just how tactile they are when he tried to up the ante. Next, Eddie tries to cook them dinner and it turns into a memorable night of him and Buck and Chris cooking together, and his son and best friend gently teasing Eddie about his cooking skills all evening. He even tries complimenting Buck’s shirt, an endeavor that earns him a knowing look from Hen and a smirk from Chim, only to have Buck smile bashfully and duck his head with mumbled thanks. 

Eddie’s most recent attempt was to bring Buck flowers when he and Chris visited him for game night a couple of weeks ago. However Buck took the flowers from Chris with a beaming smile and a comment on how the Diazes always knew how to brighten up a place. Chris went into an excited spiel about gardening and growing flowers at school with his teacher which Buck listened to with rapt attention and a wide smile, and that had been the end of that.

None of the little casual steps to dating someone would work on Buck, and Eddie quickly realizes that the reason behind it is that he and Buck have been doing almost everything a couple would do for a long time now. They’re too intertwined for a dinner invitation or casual touches to spell out romance. Every attempt he makes at a gesture ends with Buck giving Eddie grateful smiles and warm looks, but remaining completely unaware of Eddie’s intentions. Making Buck happy and spending time with him is always a triumph, but Eddie’s heart aches with the need for more. To hold Buck’s hand, and kiss him, and whisper to him all the things Eddie would never tell anyone else.

“You’re being very quiet tonight,” Buck says, nudging Eddie gently until Eddie looks at him. They are at Eddie’s apartment as is the habit these day when they’re both off from work. Chris is stretched out on the couch between them, watching a movie with his head resting on Eddie’s lap and his legs stretched out towards Buck.

“Just thinking,” Eddie shrugs with a half smile, willing his voice to remain steady and casual.

“Really, is Mulan giving you a lot to think about just now?” Buck asks in a teasing tone which draws a laugh out of Eddie. He has lost count of how many times he and Buck have sat through the same Disney movies with Chris. Eddie tends to use the time to tune out and occasionally rest his eyes for a bit, while Buck makes comments and exchanges looks with Eddie when Chris laughs at them.

“It’s a very serious movie,” Eddie answers gravely and relishes Buck’s amused grin. Buck focuses back on the movie -always far more invested than he’d like to let on- and Eddie takes the opportunity to look at him. The ease with which Buck inhabits this space, the gentle upturn of his lips, and the laughing looks he shoots Eddie when Chris giggles at something. 

The entire evening so far has been another domestic night that Eddie wouldn’t trade for the world.

Earlier, Eddie has watched with quiet amusement as Buck reacted dramatically to Chris’s comments about the movie before this one. Eddie had been so entertained by their combined theatrics that he had relented at the end of the first movie and allowed a second one for the night. Now Eddie looks between them and feels his heart bursting with warmth. His hand itches to reach for Buck’s hand and he fights the urge down for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. 

Buck shoots him a questioning look as if sensing Eddie’s eyes on him. Buck’s lips twitch again into another smile that Eddie isn’t sure what to make of, but it gets Eddie smiling too. They go on that way for a while, slowly exchanging longer looks until neither of them is looking at the screen anymore.

“TV is that way,” Buck remarks lightly after a little while, tone still teasing and a little playful. Eddie loves him like this, with mirth in his eyes and a boyish smile. “You should be watching the movie.”

“The boss is asleep, so I’ll get away with it,” Eddie says, gesturing at a now-sleeping Chris. 

Buck laughs softly and rests one hand on the headrest between them. He looks down and bites his lower lip -immediately drawing Eddie’s eyes there- then shoots another unreadable look at Eddie. 

“You gonna tell me what you’re actually thinking about now?”

Eddie mulls this over for a few seconds then figures -sure, why the hell not. 

“Let me take Chris inside and then we’ll see about that.” Eddie answers and appreciates that Buck accepts this with an easy hum. 

They work around each other in perfect harmony; Eddie scooping Chris up in his arms to take him to his bedroom, while Buck pauses the movie and starts cleaning up. By the time Eddie comes back outside, Buck has moved to the kitchen and is putting leftovers away in the fridge. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Eddie says as he always does and gets rewarded with an eyeroll from Buck. Eddie falls into place next to Buck, silently doing the dishes and mulling over what to say. This too is a familiar dance for them; easily working together be it at a rescue mission or at home to make dinner or clean up. 

Eddie finishes up then turns around to watch Buck’s back as he puts things away. If usual dating steps won’t cut it for making his feelings known, then Eddie will have to voice how he feels. Outright tell Buck what he’s thinking. He could kiss Buck and that should say it all but a small barrier of doubt holds Eddie back. He needs to know that Buck wants this as much as Eddie does before taking that leap. 

“I’ve been trying to date someone,” Eddie blurts out before he can overthink it, then realizes that he said someone instead of you and closes his eyes in quiet despair. Old habits.

“Oh,” Buck frowns and puts down the two beers he had just retrieved. He looks away long enough to get the bottle opener, but when he turns back it’s with a smile. Eddie thinks it looks forced. “That’s great. Is that what got you all quiet? And what do you mean trying?”

“I mean I keep doing dating stuff but it won’t stick. All the dating things I’m doing are being read as friendship.” Eddie elaborates a bit, curious to see if Buck will catch on.

“What kinda stuff?” Buck hands over Eddie’s bottle but keeps some space between them. Eddie is now positive that the smile and cheer are forced. His stomach does a little sweep at the implication.

“Giving compliments, going out for dinner, cooking together, spending the day together, long phone calls -you name it,” Eddie keeps his voice steady, fully sure that Buck will catch on by the end and feeling his heartbeat double its speed. Buck blinks at Eddie then takes a long swig of beer.

“Cooking together sounds really serious,” Buck volunteers with a measured tone, “but I guess it can be read as friendship depending on the situation. Although if you have done all these other things and she still doesn’t get it, you should just say something. Or buy her flowers.”

Eddie almost starts laughing at the memory of Buck thanking Chris for the flowers Eddie bought Buck a couple of weeks ago. 

“Did the flowers thing too,” Eddie raises his eyebrows and can no longer bite down an amused smile.

“Damn, that didn’t work?” Buck sounds genuinely offended now on Eddie’s behalf which makes the whole thing funnier. “How could that not have worked?”

“Well, it apparently didn’t spill out what I wanted it to, but it brought on a smile so no loss there.” Eddie answers truthfully then feels his chest squeeze tight when Buck’s face falls. “You really have no idea what I’m talking about, huh?”

Buck gives a weak smile at that and shrugs. 

“Guess I wasn’t as caught up on your life as I thought I was, Eddie.”

Eddie knows every expression Buck wears and has cataloged every look and smile Buck has shared in his presence, so he knows that everything about Buck at the moment screams of insecurity and false cheer. Eddie can’t stand the thought of making Buck feel that way.

“How did you like the flowers I brought you two weeks ago?” Eddie says conversationally. 

“They were beautiful,” Buck’s eyebrows shoot up at the sudden change in conversation but his face breaks into a real smile. “lilies and roses. I tried to keep them alive as long as I could.”

“And the dinner I cooked for you a week before that, did you like that too?”

“Chris and I did most of the cooking,” Buck rolls his eyes but laughs; the conversation being one they’ve had several times already. “But if you want to call chopping stuff up cooking for someone, then be my-”

Buck trails off towards the end of his sentence. Realization finally -finally- dawning. 

“Oh.” Buck says, and then, “Eddie?”

“I’ve been trying to date you,” Eddie states, the words springing into the air between them and anxiously waiting for Buck’s response. “I think we skipped the usual dating stage but I had to try for it. To properly date you.”

“You had to try,” Buck repeats, tone disbelieving but with an undercurrent of laughter “To date me. Because..?”

“Because I like you, Buck,” Eddie breathes out, the words expanding through his chest and almost mocking him with how much of an understatement they are. “I like you a lot. Enough to buy flowers and attempt cooking and agonize over how to tell you that green makes you look great. Hell, if I liked you less I might have been able to say something sooner.”

Love. If I loved you less, Eddie thinks, but doesn’t say it yet.

Buck is almost gaping by the time Eddie is done talking. He blinks a few times in quick succession, and then finally ducks his head with the most beautiful smile Eddie has seen to date.

“I like you too,” Buck says quietly, then laughs at Eddie’s questioning look, “A stupid, embarrassing amount. Shit. If I had known that’s what the flowers and the compliments were for. Eddie, I’d have-” Buck lets out a slow breath, “I just couldn’t let myself hope. I wanted it too much.”

Eddie finally breeches the few steps between them and moves to plant himself in front of Buck. He reaches up a hand to cup Buck’s jaw and run his thump against the stubble on Buck’s cheek.

“Will you go out on a date with me, Buck?” Eddie asks warmly, his eyes not leaving Buck’s face and his smiling lips for a second.

“Yeah. Yes,” Buck grins, “And I think I owe you dinner for-” Buck shrugs, “Taking this long to get it.”

“Get it? I literally had to tell you,” Eddie points out laughingly, because he might be dying to kiss Buck but it’s his duty as Buck’s best friend to never let him live this down. 

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Buck groans and squeezes his eyes shut before giving an exasperated sigh. “I guess I owe you flowers too and-”

Eddie never gets to hear what else he’s owed because his self control finally snaps and he kisses Buck mid-sentence. It’s messy at first but so exhilarating that Eddie feels a rush through his body. He pulls back momentarily to look at Buck and finds him smiling blissfully with his eyes closed. 

Eddie swoops in for another kiss, this one slower and lasting longer. He runs a hand through Buck’s hair, grabs gently at his cheek with the other, while Buck’s own hands press against the small of Eddie’s back and occasionally roam to his waist.

When they break apart, they’re both panting for breath and smiling. Buck rests his forehead against Eddie’s for a few heartbeats, and one of his hands comes up to cup Eddie’s jaw. 

“I forgot what I was going to say,” Buck laughs.

“Doesn’t matter,” Eddie kisses the corner of Buck’s mouth and relishes the smile it draws. “We have plenty of time for you to remember. Maybe on our next date.” 

Eddie punctuates that statement with another kiss. 

Buck, seemingly no longer interested in words, hums his assent then kisses Eddie hungrily, effectively ensuring that Eddie forgets his words too for the moment. Eddie thinks that it isn’t such a loss because he now knows how to show Buck his feelings, and he knows that -when he needs them again- the words will be there for Eddie to tell Buck just how much he feels about him.

Eddie’s chest thrums with excitement at the prospect of a future spent telling Evan Buckley how much he loves him, but he elects to let their kisses do the talking for now. There will be plenty of time for words later.

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