#this isn't your problem to fix

[knightofleo]

Angela Orosco Silent Hill 2

[foenixed]

I've come to the conclusion that the way asexuality (and by extension aromanticism if we're being real) are pathologized now is similar to how homosexuality was pathologized in the 80s.

Because, if you don't know, when homosexuality was taken out of the DSM in 1974 it was immediately replaced by a new disorder called ego dsystonic homosexuality. This "condition" basically stipulated that homosexual desire was a disorder, but only if the patient was distressed by their sexuality. This compromise disorder was obviously introduced because while they couldn't go on pretending homosexuality was intrinsicly disordered, they couldn't let go of that idea completely and it wasn't removed until over a decade later in 1987. But asexuality and aromanticism are still seen this way. Asexuality is still in the DSM under the name hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which stipulates that lack of sexual desire is a disorder, but only if the patient is distressed by their sexuality.

Both disorders' diagnostic criteria warn that people who are happy in their sexuality should not be considered disordered, but this only serves as tacit admission that it was never a disorder in the first place. A true disorder is a disorder regardless of how the patient feels about it. Anorexia is a disorder even if the patient is adamant that they're happy and healthy. Chronic depression is a disorder even if the patient says they're fine. And while this has been acknowledged with regards to homosexuality, it still hasn't been acknowledged with regards to asexuality.

And this perception of asexuality is imbedded within the wider culture as well. When people hear someone, be it a fictional character or a real goddamn person, say they're not attracted to anyone or interested in sex or romance, often their immediate thought is "Oh, there must be something wrong with you." Some of them will back off if you say "Actually I'm aro/ace" but some of them won't, and even for the ones who do, their first thought was still that there's something wrong with you that needs fixing. And they only thought your lack of interest was acceptable with the excuse of labelling yourself asexual/aromantic like it's a necessary hall pass.

Because fundamentally people can't let go of the idea that asexuality and aromanticism are disordered, even if they nominally support aro/aces, so they have all these excuses, like "Well maybe they're just repressed maybe they're just traumatized maybe-" yadayadayada. Because they can't simply associate lack of attraction with being aro/ace, they can only think of being aro/ace as one possible explanation. We're literally just stuck in "Oh you say you're into the same gender not into anyone? Well maybe you're traumatized or were abused as a kid or you're going through a phase or a late bloomer and you'll find the right person someday." But it's fine because if you use your hall pass then maybe they'll back off but if you don't have it because you don't know or accept you're aro/ace yet, tough luck. It's no surprise that asexuals have the same conversion therapy rate as gay people.

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

was rereading the convo dirk has with dave and was captivated by the subtle work done to indicate how very much this was not actually a good or productive convo for dirk, and a capstone on the toxic mess that is him and hal

in the exact same conversation that dave is explaining, and dirk is seemingly accepting, that beta!dirk/bro should not have been allowed near a child, dirk chooses to bring up hal. and he does it to be really shitty.

DIRK: Creating him was an interesting exercise I guess, but over the years I came to see his development as one of my biggest mistakes. DIRK: He sort of turned into a monster. But I could never bring myself to get rid of him, or even really blame him for being an asshole, because he wasn't actually that different from me.

like... hal is dirk's younger brother/kid, right?

that's part of the reason that when hal starts using a different color, it's dave's red. in one part, the orange/red split is evocative of dave/davesprite, casting dirk/hal as foils, but... i don't think the lil bro/"kid i'm responsible for" vibe is unintentional, either. especially when paired with the fact that the brainscan is of 13-year-old dirk, and that the words "nascent" and "emergent" are used to describe hal's consciousness, all implying an element of youthfulness or childishness to him that isn't applied to dirk.

hal is fully sapient, has real feelings (by dirk's own admission, too), and is also, like, completely his own guy. he's not a dirk splinter, he's a computer housing a dirk splinter, and he and dirk only think they're the same guy because their individual issues happen to perfectly align in the worst possible way.

so if you look at their relationship through that lens instead - a frankenstein/frankenstein's monster scenario (which is also directly and intentionally an exploration on parenthood) at best and dirk Pretty Much Actually Just Making A Child at worst - doesn't it become really fucked up that Dirk tried to kill him?

Doesn't it become really fucked up that Dirk is outright calling him a "mistake" and a "monster"?

the other really interesting thing here is when he talks about Jake - specifically, the way he chooses to "make it up to" jake. which is to say, he doesn't.

DIRK: I wouldn't be surprised if he was trying to avoid me as much as possible. DIRK: I'm sure that's for the best. DIRK: I think I need to stay out of his business for a good while, so I don't risk poisoning another innocent kid's life.

This isn't a solution. Hell, this isn't even an apology. This is just self-isolation, self-punishment, more of Dirk's martyrdom complex and teen boy diva bullshit.

yes, dirk hates himself, but the actual toxic loop he's stuck in is one where he doesn't address any of his problems. he identifies what his issues are, he feels really bad about them, he can enunciate them very clearly to other people, but then, instead of fixing them, he inflicts punishment on himself and then calls it a day.

We know that this is a bullshit thing to do to Jake because we know the situation from jake's side of things.

GT: Do you think you could relay the same sentiments to dirk? GT: I was thinking about all the stuff he said to me while we were all telling him to dance. GT: And yeah i was really being a prick when i ran away to lomax. GT: He was right about everything. I should have come clean about wanting some space.

jake wants reconciliation! jake wants to address the fact that he failed and apologize! jake wants to be friends again!

self-punishment is not a solution, and while I don't think dirk is entirely cognizant that he's doing it, by venting to dave - who literally has no idea what's been going on in dirk's group - he's able to frame the story - ahem, control the narrative - to justify his own shitty choice to not actually improve as a person, but instead to wallow in his own self-inflicted misery. If he'd said what he did about Hal to Jake, Roxy, or Jane - all of whom recognized hal's personhood and emotional reality to some degree, and spoke with him extensively - how would they respond? If they knew he'd tried to kill Hal, how would they respond?

The answer to that is why he doesn't tell them, and has got to be ticking in the background to explain why Dirk chooses to isolate himself from them. Put simply, I think the reason why he seems to think his friends never know the worst of him is because he deliberately avoids showing them. If he showed them, they wouldn't stay quiet, and if they didn't stay quiet, he'd actually have to... do something about it, instead of just indulging in some self-punishment and walking away feeling like the problem was solved.

and i think part of why he's so terrible to hal is because, on some level, he recognizes that he does kind of owe it to hal to be better. because, you see.

Hal is his kid.

hal's existence, hal's circumstances, and hal's suffering are a direct result of dirk's decisions, and hal is taking him to task for them. the things dirk really resents about hal are less the ways that hal is a reflection of dirk, though that's in there too, but the fact that hal is asking dirk to take responsibility. actual responsibility. that hal keeps confronting him with the fact that he's the one who caused hal's plight, he's the one with the power to fix it, and he's the one choosing inaction and avoidance.

TT: I'm guessing she's touching base to remind me about the party tomorrow. TT: I don't know what to tell her yet. Or Jane, for that matter. TT: It could get pretty awkward. TT: I have no idea if Jake will be there, and I'm not about to write another cringe-inducing message of desperation for him to ignore. AR: Would you like me to calculate the probability of his attendance? TT: Fuck no. AR: Are you sure? AR: My probabilities are extremely precise. TT: Your probabilities don't mean dick. AR: I could hack his chats, and determine what his plans are. TT: No. Don't do that either. [...] TT: Just don't do anything. Seriously. TT: No hacking, no calculations. Do absolutely nothing.

That's why Dirk takes such exception to the AI thing, too.

AR: In any case, my use of the responder responder is ironic. TT: It's not ironic. TT: YOU were ironic when I made you. TT: Then you became self-aware, and ruined irony forever.

then you became self-aware - in other words, "then you became a free-thinking entity and those jokes became reminders that your situation is fucked up, and i'm the one who put you in it". in other words, "and then you were born, and i had to be responsible for that". because, after all, the AI jokes that dirk hates so much? those aren't a reflection of dirk. that's all hal, baby. dirk can't use his "i hate you because i hate myself" excuse on that.

now i don't want to make it sound like i'm saying that dirk is a monster or anything. he does care, very fucking deeply, about his friends. and i think this conversation was genuinely very cathartic and helpful for dave. and it is, genuinely, very tragic that he does actually hate himself to the point where he finds it difficult to believe that he can get better, or even that he deserves to get better.

but those feelings have transformed into a vastly more harmful attitude of wilful, obstinate refusal to change, and even outright resentment and fear towards those that would ask him to. it's subtler than some of the others, but his convo with dave really highlights that dirk has not finished developing as a character yet. and i think it's really neat.

[zoebelladona]

the dissonance between percy telling luke "the gods are doing their best 🥺" after having just yelled at zeus is Laughable. what the fuck was percy doing yelling at zeus in season 1. i've had it up to Here with him being so genre-aware he's out explaining all the problems with the world he lives in. you don't get points for looking at the camera and going "the gods are really bad dudes and their family is a mess". we all want percy to snap already but i, personally, did not want it like this. this is the culmination of 10+ books... put into the first book. why are we so afraid to let the flaws of the world just be for a while??

[rustedleopard]

found this on reddit (https://www.reddit.com/r/UndertaleYellow/comments/1hzetfe/is_this_correct/), what do you think

Yeah, pretty much (only minor critique, I guess, is that he was also risking Kanako, albeit very unintentionally. He didn't know what effects the serum might have on his connection to Kanako as a Boss Monster (luckily it seems like there was no effect). He didn't think about what effects a child Boss Monster losing their parent prematurely might have on their development. He didn't think about the effects of losing a dad so young would have on his kid overall, ignoring the Boss Monster angle. But he wasn't thinking about things from that angle at all....)

I can't speak much for the fanon sides of Cerojin. I try to avoid them as much as possible because the spike of irritation I get from seeing Cerojin be described as "Girlboss and Malewife" (and it's usually Fanon Cerojin 1 that I see more than anything from poking my nose around) isn't good for my health.

I know that I rag on Chujin a lot here, but both Ceroba and Chujin are responsible for how they ruined their lives and Kanako's life. They both suck. Chujin may have been the one to tell Ceroba where the tools are to fulfill his legacy and set her up on the path, but she's the one who took up the tools and broke everything. She didn't have to inject Kanako with the serum; Chujin tried to sway her from it in the instructions he left (though he also offered no other solutions. Finding a "pure" human SOUL and a willing Boss Monster is a one in a million chance so he set her up for failure from the gate) and Ceroba had her initial reservations about using it on Kanako as well. It's only when Kanako brings up how it'll make dad proud that her judgement as a parent is overridden by her desire to please Chujin. She didn't have to let herself be convinced! (And even before then, there were plenty of problems with their marriage like the lying and idolization and etc.)

The biggest takeaway from Cerojin should be that both parties contributed to how it failed so spectacularly. They're a toxic loving couple that enabled the worst in each other and were spiralling to their inevitable doom like two eagles in talon-lock. The only reason why Ceroba gets to try to redeem herself while Chujin doesn't is because she's alive enough to do that.........

[ourceliumnetwork]

dry swallowing pills is my stupidest flex. i'm not even showing off anymore i'm just impatient

[dreamonminecraft]

bro just needs a psychiatrist and a 6 month minimum Internet ban like dude touch grass Jesus Christ

[anonymusbosch]

today after work i sat in the car in the parking lot for 30 straight minutes staring at my phone ("vegetarian options near me") staring out the windshield at the gray sky (slowly getting darker) staring at my phone ("hi [manager] i was not cool with") and staring out the windshield trying to swallow some seething and a headache to drive back with a cool head.

i don't - i don't get angry. not really. frustrated, grumpy, irked, annoyed - sure. i am not moved to out-loud anger: raised voice, yelling, outbursts. whatever rises I am capable of biting back.

kept my cool long enough to get a Vegetarian Options Near Me (note: bad) and long enough after that to go buy ingredients that i can make food with in a hotel microwave. took care of some of the needs of the flesh. called partner. could relay nothing but the insanity of the work conversations and, in speaking, heard again the words that had driven me to muteness earlier

"I would have just said 'what the fuck' out loud" says the phone.

and I had, alone, in my car, quietly, "what is wrong with you" and "what the fuck" and "what is your problem", but not in conversation.

for which i am giving myself several gold stars today and resolving for tomorrow:

* literally leave the conversation and walk away while they're talking to you if they don't give you grace to leave

* don't play their games

* data, document, propose solution. ask for nothing. especially permission to do your damn job

* buy a fucking soldering iron.

[minty-bunni]

The craziest thing about PTSD is thinking you're free from it and then getting triggered like 5 mins later by the most random thing.

[monstermoviedean]

at the end of my fucking rope with "conversations" about k12 chronic absenteeism.

[burning2know]

i made the mistake of looking up Temu on tumblr

[notquiteaghost]

this is the autism pedantry but the "i can't do this anymore" says person who is going to continue doing this sentiment is so alienating to me. i said "i can't keep doing this" over & over my second to last year of high school and then i dropped out. i couldn't keep doing it. i say "this is awful" and i say "i hate this" and i say "bearing this is unspeakably hard" about the current state of the world, but i do not say "i can't keep doing this" because i can. because i am, demonstrably, continuing. if i couldn't i would stop. if my job was genuinely untenable i would quit. most of the aspects that make everything so difficult are out of my control but that just makes changing what i can more vital. you can walk out! just leave! if you are continuing to do it then you are capable of doing it! unless it's destroying you, in which case change something!

[snepril]

Every night, I'm back there again. Running through the canyon on all fours, sharp rocks cutting at my paws, frigid mud clinging to my fur. "Just a little further" - the words ring out from nowhere, echoing off the canyon walls and drowning out the pounding of the blood in my veins. Just a little further and we'll be safe- A blast of freezing water slams into my flank, sending me tumbling to the ground. A few feet ahead, I see my companion skid to a stop, ready to fight by my side. Their eyes meet mine. We both know how that would end. I smile and shake my head. Tears glitter in their eyes, even as they turn to run. Our pursuers are on me moments later, and the last thing I feel before I wake is a deep, terrible cold. It's the same dream every night - and how I wished I could believe it was just a dream. But even as I sit, staring down at the glittering bronze badge in my hands, I can remember it all so clearly. The feeling of flames spilling out from my jaws, the nights spent curled up beneath a star-filled sky, the way their snout curled when they smiled... I'd give anything to go back, do anything see them again. I slip the badge back into my pocket. For just a moment, I can imagine the hand beneath the fabric is a paw again. An illusion that will shatter the moment I pull my hand free, I know, but a comforting one all the same. "Ma'am?" The voice snaps me back to reality. I look up to meet the gaze of the man in front of me. He looks tired - we all do, I suppose. The tests have taken a lot out of everyone, but we can't slow down now. Not when we're so close. "The subject has recovered enough for the next trial," he continues, "but at the rate we're going, I'm not sure how many more breach attempts we'll get out of it. The stimulants-" "Double the dosage," I reply, my fingers playing across the badge's wings. "We're almost there." "But that's- its vitals are already-" "The subject's death will create the conditions we need for a breach," I reply. "I had hoped it would understand that and choose to cooperate, but..." I shrug. "I prepared for this outcome just the same." The man stares at me for several long moments, a hundred questions fighting to escape. For a moment, I wonder if he'll refuse. But he eventually nods and makes his way over to a console to punch in the command. Good. Replacing him would've just slowed things down. I climb to my feet and pace towards the viewport. It looks out on a large concrete chamber, its walls scoured with scorch marks from our initial containment efforts. The subject dominates the room, its body restrained by shimmering crimson chains. Its breathing is labored, its scales lacking their usual luster, but its eyes still glare up at me from below. Even from here, I can feel its hatred, its sense of betrayal. Every night, I dream the same dream - a dream I had tried so hard to pretend wasn't real. Doubtless I would've succeeded, were it not for the keepsake in my pocket. I squeezed it in my fist, then let it go. Two human hands pressed against the window. I'd give anything to go back, do anything to see them again. And soon I would. Palkia roared, and I smiled. Soon.

[lunammoon]

i wish more than anything that people online actually got Vivienne bc currently i have to defend her far more than i would want to because so many people don't GET her and end up accusing her of being the wrong kind of annoying and so i have to defend her as if she doesn't remind me of one of my most frustrating to talk to cousins

[gansey-like]

Perfect Miles Fall crash out save meeeeeeee

[xknify]

back in the nightmare dimension. you guys want any souvenirs when i get back