#this was in my drafts for a few days i couldnt find the motivation to finish it..

[musubiki]

witches brew ???!!

[m4isofia]

The very last semester

I don’t know how many times I have typed for this post.Technically,I had finished composing the entry but accidentally deleted the tab without saving it to draft....but first let me tell you guys how much i have put myself in the past yesterday just to recall everything to make this post feels very nostalgic.I try my best to put myself in everyone’s shoes because I want everyone to know how much we struggled for spm last year.SPM year was one of the best years for me like I want to repeat all those times again without sitting for spm OF COURSE cus I swear it was tiring as heck.

Nonetheless,please excuse my grammar mistakes as I have barely write anythinh now so I kinda think that my writing skills is getting rusty.

I don’t remember the exact date we started our final semester but all I know is,we were struggling for trials.We kinda made our teachers proud for trial right? mrsm tpg was below us and I can’t help myself but to remember how proud cikgu masyitah was when we managed to get number satu for sejarah trials spmrsm! geng,we all were so happy ~ even though addmaths spmrsm reminds me of how stupid I was ~ zaman trial was tiring,it felt as if we were in endless battle.To be very honest,things started to get more serious after trials ended.A week before spm starts,we had our last class in the class sebab after that,we had gemilang almost everyday at surau and classes could not be used as the form4 students used them for igcse exam.Basically,surau was our second home/dorm.Imagine staying at surau the whole day?? we literally left our belongings and books all scattered in the surau sampai kena marah dengan ustazah :/ especially when we (form 5 girls) had our very own spot at the surau so i guess leaving all my stuff could be safe?? and i was so lazy to bring all the books to dorm after all nanti kena turun balik surau,so it’s just the same,the bad thing was,surau looked messy because of us hihi.

As I mentioned earlier,we had gemilang everyday at surau,even after gemilang habis pun,some of us would stay back and sambung study.That was how much we were scared to sit for spm.The pressure for spm was real,dengan the endless handouts for every freaking subject and most importantly,the 10 set handout sejarah ( I swear we all were stressing out because of this haha).When I said that this is an endless battle,yes it is,after habis trials pun i still keep reminding myself that the battle hasnt ended yet mai,hold on a little bit mai,this will be over soon.LIKE LITERALLY EVERYDAY.Countdown to spm was terrifying,to see how fast each day went by,dengan the mental breakdowns some of us had because of addmaths,everything went so fast.Sometimes I felt like i didnt want spm to start so that we can always study together at surau.

Even during riadah hour,girls in my batch started to turun awal surau,we sacrificed our golden hour to nap just to revise more and more.Even if it’s mrsm that we are talking about but that does not mean we are guaranteed to get straights A+,even most of us are the stuggling students that need to work our ass off barulah score.At surau,gelegam became more closer that I remember,gelegam is the girls in our batch,we called ourselves gelegam sebab the name of the whatsapp group is gelegam,so honestly I don’t know where that came from??anyway i still remember how chaotic the surau was when gelegam turun awal surau.Everyone was literally stretching up their muscles on the field while some of us rather studying in the surau.I remember when some would ask “sape tahu dinner apa”,,,,”weh cafe bukak tak sekarang”,,,,fuh i never thought i would come to the point that i would miss those kind of questions.The voices are always lingering on my mind to be honest.I remember how I nganjing nad almost everyday cus she’s gonna sambung study kat utp so i kept nganjing her everyday,our hakak utp :) hahaa see now nadirah is a freaking utp student! proud? yes i am.

During the spm month,the time was slowly arranging its pace but at the same time everything was so fast that I couldnt catch a breath.During those trying times,parents and teachers played a very important role.I am grateful to have teachers that endlessly motivating us despite all of our worries towards spm.Remember when unit sejarah,(cikgu masyitah + cikgu rohaya +cikgu azizan) pesan to us before we entered the hall for paper 3 sejarah,

“kamu bertarung untuk kertas tiga dalam dewan selama 3 jam,cikgu cikgu akan masak kenduri untuk kamu selama 3 jam,kamu mula je 3 jam tu nanti maka cikgu cikgu sejarah kamu pun akan mula memasak”

weh i literally heard cikgu masyitah’s voices in my head! hahaha,truth to be told we had no idea what’s the kenduri gonna be like,makan apa,minum apa.BUT,after we finished the freaking 3 hours,and bukak je pintu dewan,there were two long tables with bihun goreng + sirap ais on it.WE WERE ALL SHOUTINGGG AND CARI CIKGUUUU! wow that was the best times i ever had in mrsm pt *cries a river*.I would never forget the taste of the bihun goreng (anyway sumpah lapar after 3 hours in the hall),i would never forget how lega our sejarah teachers were sebab sejarah battle is over.Aaaa I miss.Anyway not to forget,cikgu masyitah was there for us since day 1 of spm! she was there right in front of the hall,bila dah nak start pun,tak kisah lah subject apa pun she was still gonna be there depan dewan tunggu kita beratur except for physics sebab cikgu balik kampung.Other than that guys,what’s funnier is,cikgu masyitah literally the only warden that woke us up during the toughest month yet especially bila hari takde exam! tahajjud semua entah ke mana haha,trust me bila ada gap spm tuu fuh heaven but stress at the same time cus the subject coming up usually makin susah.Cikgu masyitah would literally turn off our kipas dorm and on lampu besar!!!!!!! see how chaotic.

Two weeks ago,we eventually ended our battle geng.The long-awaited day has come.Pagi pagi lagi as usual takde selera nak makan.Group whatsapp batch has been filling up with spm 2019 stats,press conference kpm.Everyone was literally freaking out and excited sebab lama tak jumpa kan.Sekali jumpa,ha satu dewan bising.Truthfully,I will never fully prepare for result’s day.Bila dah masuk dewan,the place we all used to sit for spm ,is now the place for us to receive our spm result.Vermillion,congrats guys,congrats for the flying colours and uxpected result.We even made it to the news! One of the mrsm yang achieved gps below 2.00.That was incredible.Everyone was at their happiest time ambik result and I thank Allah for that.Some of us were hugging our teachers so tight because we managed to get A.Some of us were talking to cikgu about our batch ranking.We made it to top 5 guys! top 5 mrsm semalaysia,thats crazy sia.

Before I hit the sack,I really hope our path cross again someday and i can’t wait to see each of us become the woman and the man of our dreams.I hope everyone gets to pursue in the course that you guys have been dreaming for.I pray that we will have a stable life,financially stable,physically and mentally stable.Things that happened in maktab taught us a lot and I really hope we could bring the best out of it.All those things,would teach us in so many possible ways that we couldnt imagine.If you find yourself lost in the middle,please reach out to someone,remember what teacher naza said to us,pilih kawan yang baik baik,solat jaga,jaga diri.

I end my entry with a few pictures of my one and only batch,vermillion.

thank you,thank you vm fam,for these 5 years.

[takecareluv]

MEG MY SWEET

how are you doing?? i know you’re tired, but i just want to tell you i’m proud of you🫶🏻 you work so so hard and deserve all the rest and self-care & pampering in this world !!

tell me some of the highlights from your week. they could be the most boring thing ever, but i still wanna know🤍

sending you allllll my love and an armful of hugs, darling🫶🏻✨🥺💕

okay i didn’t even realize this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks now ?? but i miss my livie girl so much <3 hope she’s okay.

HI LIVIE <3

i’m doing okay ! this weekend was definitely nice and relaxing but i’m still feeling overwhelmed . i know i’m going to go to work tomorrow and go right back to feeling the same way i was last week & the week before && before… drained. i feel trapped in this cycle and have absolutely no motivation to do anything to free myself from it, honestly i don’t even know where i would begin to. i miss writing , i miss reading , i miss doing the little things that bring me joy , i miss doing anything other than working or sleeping , i miss being fully present on here , i miss feeling anything other than exhaustion. and i feel so weird because nothing is wrong but everything is at the same time. i don’t know. i just need a break. i need something to change , in me & around me.

anyway,,,, since i was gone for most of the week i’ll give a little recap because i have had some good moments over the last few days… and maybe a few bad ones…

the biggest highlight of my week was going to see noah cyrus in concert ! i had no idea about it until last week when my friend texted me about having an extra ticket & of course i said yes !! i’m so happy i got to go to it. first — i love love love her new album so being able to see her perform it live is just the best thing ever ! plus i just love going to any concert in general , the energy is unmatched <3 and second — i’ve never been to a show in a small venue like that ( it was a brooklyn steel ) ( exactly a week after jack was there like are u kidding ) & with general admission tickets . we got so close to the stage ( basically barricade !! ) , which i’ve also never been that close , so all in all it was an incredible experience ! i literally made eye contact with her so many times and she even tipped her cowboy hat at me && smiled like AHHH fangirling hard !!!! hehe

LIKE I TOOK THIS WHATTT

although it was a great show and such an amazing experience, the day as a whole was so stressful. and honestly just made up for a completely shitty week :/ i had to go straight from work and almost missed the train , i literally pulled up to the station as the train got there and had to sprint to find my friend . and bc it was all so rushed && i hadn’t been to the city in quite some time my anxiety was at such a high and i couldnt calm myself down until we were finally at the venue and waiting in line ( for three hours omg it was so cold did not go prepared ) BUT we did meet some amazing ppl who were also all at the vma’s and one of them had this video of jack & her from the red carpet that i literally saw online i was like GIRL THAT WAS U small world anywayyyy

…………

okay now i’m looking back at this weeks later and i don’t really remember the rest of what i was gonna say but whateverrrr probably wasn’t important anyway & just me complaining about the rest of my week 🙃 I MISS U LIV PLS COME BACK I LOVE U