#thread:jesse02

[rhia-falla]

She seemed to float just above her body, observing her own timidness in the face of his shuddering anger. She imagined for a moment how it must have felt to be a bystander, eavesdropping and leaning in intently for more details. Were they as disgusted with her as she frequently felt? They must have been, because no one stepped in to protect her. Even after Jesse abandoned her, no one moved to console her. She was left on the dance floor with herself and her shame. Slowly, Rhia returned to herself. Once again aware this was her life and these were her mistakes, she lost all motivation to pretend everything was okay. So, she crawled back to her dorm room, where her peers' judgement couldn't find her.

end.

Jesse's chest heaved in pants, his anger both somehow spent and only scratching the surface. He watched her all the while, expecting to feel anything as she looked away, as her face fell, as she finally broke and showed him something. But he didn't. Maybe nothing would fix this. Maybe it was just another scar to collect, another reminder that people were terrible and if he didn't want to be destroyed by them, then he needed to be worse than them.

"You don't know," he repeated with a harsh, humorless laugh. He wasn't looking at her now, his eyes cutting towards a wall as he slowly ran a hand over his mouth. Images threatened at the periphery of his mind, unwelcome snippets of her with him, of them laughing, reveling in all the ways they'd bested him. It made him sick. His gaze snapped back to her for only long enough to spit, "You're a fucking liar."

And then he was gone.

[rhiannonfalla]

who: @jessehart​ when: september 27th, couple weeks after ollie’s party. where: alcott dorm, #202

There was always nonstop gossip about Jesse, thus Rhia rarely thought twice hearing the trouble he’d get himself into. She knew Nate already pressed Jesse this year, though she failed to question why, always overly cautious of bringing up his name in front of Nate. It wasn’t a surprise when she’d heard he’d taken a beating at the party, though undeniably she hadn’t expected the perpetrator to be Kit and she definitely didn’t expect to hear talk of his ruthlessness with Jesse. It was relatively easy to guess what the altercation was about; Kit and Rhia existed on two sides of the same coin, after all.

Except she’d known about Jesse’s night affairs with Greer almost the entire time throughout their relationship, and she certainly hadn’t hit Greer over it. Because she didn’t deserve that, just as Jesse didn’t deserve to be manhandled by every person he provoked. She had no excuse for taking so long to approach him as she did, other than she was afraid of seeing him again. Afraid and possibly a bit stupid, considering they should have been long past being each other’s comfort. Yet, she stood in front of his door, chewing her bottom lip and silently cursing her lingering feelings of responsibility over him.

Rhia knocked, a gentle shot in the dark, considering he had yet to text her back about meeting up and she had no idea how he’d been spending his free time. “Jesse?” Rhia called through the door. “I- uh.... I thought we could talk?” she proposed, sounding meek and uncertain. “I also have something for you.” She held a sweater to her chest, keeping it undisclosed until she knew he would be willing to talk to her. Some may have recognized it as her form of emotional bribery, though Rhia would only admit to it being a good deed that she happened to remember this morning.

[rhia-falla]

Her head ripped away from Jesse's words, her face hidden in her collarbone like that meant she could escape his scolding. In all their back and forth, in all the time they spent fighting, she had never seen him so full of rage. His composure was most notable during those times, Rhia could barely register his voice as his own. She shuddered as sweat dripped down her brow, suddenly feeling puny and beneath him. She couldn't bear to look at his face, tell him she felt every bit of worthless as he wanted her to feel.

Why had she chosen Jesse's father? He was a favorite client of hers, and he payed top dollar even for Rhia's taste. And in those times when Jesse's love ran dry, she could still feel close to him in some twisted, Hamlet-esque way. It was a sick comfort, but comforting nonetheless. Jesse deserved a worthy answer, he deserved an apology because regardless of what he did she'd already committed the worst slight. In reality, all she could muster was a pitiful, "I don't know." Her eyelids hung heavy and a deepset frown settled on her face as she looked back at Jesse. "I am sorry," Rhia gave, preemptively knowing it would do nothing to console him. At the very least, maybe he would stop looking at her the way he was. "I'm sorry," she whispered again.

"Because I want you to feel fucking bad about it!" The words exploded out of him, tore from his throat like they were too desperate to wait for his permission to speak them. His voice was raw as emotion took over for him, his own brain no longer in the driver's seat. "I want you to wish you could crawl out of your own skin! I want you to feel like I feel!"

Chest heaving, Jesse's words came to an abrupt halt, and he swallowed thickly. What he wanted most of all was to go back to a time before he knew. "Why him?" His voice was still ragged, but it was much lower now, the tinge of defeat in his own plea mirroring hers. He wanted to recoil from it, from anything that made them similar. "It could have been anyone. Why. Him."

[rhia-falla]

He recoiled from her, allowing Rhia a chance to catch her breath. She stood tall and impenetrable, though her face read as anything but strong. Truly, Rhia never wanted to hurt Jesse even when she actively sought payback. It was tit for tat; her ego obliged to spill as much of his blood as he did hers. She never intended for Jesse to find out about her relationship with his father, and even now she questioned how he caught wind of it in the first place. Had someone he knew recognized her on a night out with Donovan? Whatever the case, she intended to take this secret to the grave even long after Jesse broke up with her.

Because a part of her knew his anger and disgust was justified. If it had been Jesse and her mother, she suspected it'd be unbearable just to think about him. Yet here Jesse was, determined to confront Rhia with the reality of what she did to him. He wouldn't allow her to turn away unscathed, continue her life as if she hadn't fucked everything up like he said. The least she could do was rustle up an apology. Instead, her pride left her hardened and stoic as she absorbed Jesse's emotions. Her eyes fell downcast, and she wallowed in the throbbing ache in her heart as she let her ex-lover's regret settle. Rhia didn't know it was possible to be equal parts heavyhearted as she was numb.

One thought remained as her sole ray of light; at least his regret meant he still thought of her. "Then why can't you just leave me alone?" she pleaded, her voice low and full of defeat.

He should have been able to relish in the way her voice softened, in the way she seemed to flinch as if his words had found their mark as surely as hers had. He should have roared in victory, pounded on his chest like a god damned zoo animal, and left her there to wallow in the misery he hoped had managed to sink its unforgiving claws into her.

Should have.

Sometimes the truth was still hard to accept, to process, as if a part of him was still waiting for her to tell him this had all just been a cruel joke. And then she hit him with a line like you won't pay for me, but your dad might, and he had to fight to stay upright. A crack spiderwebbed through him, his chest delicate as spun glass as bile burned the back of his throat. He staggered back a step like he'd been dealt a physical blow.

When he spoke again his voice was low, devoid of emotion, his jaw working as his eyes swept across the floor. "I have done so many things that I regret," he spoke towards the ground before his gaze sliced towards her, "but there is nothing I regret more than knowing you."

[rhia-falla]

Her resolve wavered, the tension in her muscles unrelenting even as her eyes darted away at Jesse’s accusation. Rhia never allowed herself to question the weight of her crimes against Jesse’s, only wallow in the pity of his betrayal. For a moment, she questioned if he was right about her; she was prone to lies but her intention was rarely to cause harm. What they both had done was unforgivable... yet Jesse's hate left her discomforted that he was right. Her insides were foul; her heart rotted beyond repair and she sought destruction to drown out its absence. "I manage just fine," she demanded, her words too soft to sound intimidating.

Rhia flinched, suddenly too weak to fight back or defend herself. The money justified everything for Rhia. While her actions may have been unsavory, she reminded herself of where that money brought her. "I didn't fuck everything up!" she insisted childishly. "You fucked up. Don't pin that on me." Their relationship had been long and dead when he discovered the truth, after all. Her heartbreak fell squarely on his shoulders before that. She loved him, or at least wanted to love him, but there was no room in his heart for her. Jesse shut her out so she was forced to find that intimacy elsewhere. His insult slammed her with the reminder she'd always been disposable to him, and now he got to relish in painting her as the villain. "That's alright. You won't pay for me, but your dad might," Rhia spewed, fully aware the line she was treading. She whispered the words like a lullaby to Jesse, as if that meant she risked violating the explicit details of her agreement less.

Jesse scoffed, the sound almost a disbelieving laugh. Was she actually serious? His eyes narrowed at her and he stabbed a finger in the air in her direction. "If you think me fucking around with Greer would even come close to what you did, then you're even more delusional than I thought. But it makes sense, I guess. You have to lie to yourself in order to live with yourself." His gaze dragged down the length of her, lips curling back as if he could hardly stomach what he saw. "How else would you manage it?"

For as much as he was playing at not being able to look at her, it felt impossible to drag his eyes away from her face. They searched, almost desperately, for some sort of sign that she regretted what she'd done, even a little. But even as the briefest flash of emotion crossed her otherwise stony façade, he couldn't believe it. Wouldn't believe it.

His jaw set tight as she went in on him, her words tucking themselves away beneath his ribs. They would be sure to visit him later, when he was alone and defenseless with nothing but his mind for company. But right now, they flew past their intended mark. "Oh boo-fucking-hoo." His voice flew up several octaves, an intentionally bad impersonation of her, "I'm poor so that means anything I have to do to get money is justified! You did fuck everything up, Rhiannon! And you are playing victim. Take some fucking responsibility for yourself. You wanna talk about pathetic?" He laughed, a harsh breath of a sound. "And for the record, I wouldn't touch you again for all the money in the world."

[rhia-falla]

It almost felt like a triumph, Jesse wailing childish insults at her. Her lips pursed and pulled into a cruel smile, and she relished in his exponential animosity. Let him unveil all his wicked feelings, put to rest the act of a charming know-it-all for what he truly was. A self-serving prick. "I'm touched you're so concerned with my proceedings," she placed a hand over her heart, furrowed her brows endearingly. "Hate to disappoint, but I'm not looking for new clients. Maybe next time, sweetheart."

Momentarily, she wondered what he gained from this exchange. What purpose he served in reminding her of her unfavorable position. Whatever it was he sought, Rhia was intent on spoiling it all. However, she couldn't help the faint grimace as he continued, pointing out what she struggled with all night. The side glances she received, the eerie whispers she picked up as she passed the crowds. They all knew. She hoped maybe her time away would have contained the situation, but it spread like wildfire anyway. And her sudden disappearance certainly didn't come off well in the face of accusations.

Her face gave way to grief, shame, hurt, yet quickly hardened into resentment. Her eyebrows pulled together, chest heaved and sank, and her nails tightened into her upper arms where they sat crossed over her chest. Then, her face relaxed, feigning a look of mild amusement in contrast to the ire Jesse's held. "Well, you got 'em all beat." And what a great liar he was. Like he was innocent of any crimes at her expense. "Y'know, that reminds me, Jess." She caught his gaze again, silently screaming and raging for him to meet hers. "Was there any point you weren't fucking her behind my back?" Or anyone else, for that matter. If she was a whore, then what reason did he have for his indiscretion?

In the brief moment as she held back her boiling rage, she wondered how things may have turned out differently. If she met Jesse before his father. If she might have recognized Donovan's name and maybe turned down his offer. Even if the money was good. So fucking good. Or if Greer wasn't in the picture... "Did she have to pay you, too? Or are you so fucking pathetic that you laid your hands on anyone that so much as looked your way?" What reasoning did he have to justify sleeping with her best friend? How much of an idiot did he take her for that she wouldn't find out? How much of a coward did it make her to hold it in for this long...

"Don't stand there and act like you're any better than me," you're worse. She spoke through gritted teeth, her jaw clenched so tight she thought her teeth might shatter. "Maybe I'll get lucky in the next life. Have enough money to throw at my problems. Have a fancy enough name, I can fuck everything up and still play fucking victim!" she was scolding him now, like a mother to a misbehaving child.

Composure reached her again, after a long moment. She checked her nails, like this was nothing but a boring lecture to her. "Until then, some of us have bills to pay."

A sick sort of cold swirled around in his gut, finding it so incredibly difficult to look Rhia in the eye. Not because anything she might say could pierce through the armor he'd built against her in the same way it might have before, but because he no longer saw her. Now, he could only see them.

Once, Jesse had likened Rhia to the sun. She'd burned so bright, been so warm, and drew everything around her into her gravitational pull. Now, he'd gotten a peek behind the curtain. It was a trick of the light, smoke and mirrors to hide what had long since gone rotten.

It made him sick. She made him sick. And he wanted her to hurt the way he did.

"Fuck you," he spat, his glare darkening to something vicious and menacing. "What about you, huh? Got tired of skulking around the red light district?"

Her next question drew a dark chuckle from him. "You know, I have to hand it to you. If I were you, I don't think I would be able to show my face around campus again. And yet, here you are. Tell me, is it obvious that everyone who looks you in the face now can see you for the desperate little whore you are or are they all just really good liars?"

[rhia-falla]

With little hesitation, the other took her hand and acquiesced her need for attentive company. The ease of the exchange alleviated her apprehension, igniting embers of confidence she believed long extinguished.

It lasted for a moment - until the snicker from behind her ran her blood cold. Shivers crept up each vertebrae, stiffening her posture until it stood the hairs on the back of her neck. She could feel his proximity, his warm breath brush against her ear and slither venom deep in her skull.

"Bit young for you, don't you think?"

Maybe they were. But it never stopped her before. If his motive was to humiliate her, he was far too late. She'd dealt with her own shame for years. Rhia refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing her rattled by him again.

Rhia looked over her shoulder and met Jesse's gaze, soaked in the disgust, the hatred in his eyes. She dropped the hand of the other, letting hers fall to an angled hip as her body turned and faced him. She was silent for a moment, wanting to convince him he won. "Daddy let you out of the ward a little early, don't you think?"

In the short span she'd been on campus, she heard far more about his journey over the summer than she cared for. When it came to the notorious Hart son, gossip was hard to avoid. Rhia stepped into his space, her head tilted in mimic of a sympathetic gaze. She dared him to break, show her the hurt he tried with all his might to conceal.

"Make any friends?" she sneered, feigning an innocent inquisitiveness. "Mm. 'Spose not." Rhia barely heard the person she approached dismiss themself and scurry away from the ill-fated reunion.

His intention hadn't been to stand in the dark watching like a creep, but his fury had immobilized him. For a slew of months, he'd been free of her. He'd only had to contend with his own feelings about the whole fucked up situation. But now she was back, she was here. And it made him want to rage.

He watched her push off from the wall, watched the smile spread across her face as she beckoned to someone on the dance floor. He couldn't help himself, couldn't help following in her stead as her next victim fell to her charm. Jesse snorted loudly, loud enough to be heard as he sidled up behind her, head bent over her shoulder to say into her ear, "bit young for you, don't you think?"