#tldr i like seeing my friends and i wanna hang out with them more outside of the weekends

[deadmossballz]

sometimes i rlly wish i lived closer to my friends :/

[ranx0]

I always get so feral when someone brings up anything outside of confirmed media about characters.

For example when we see ponyboy in TWTTIN I freaked out because, oh my god, Ponyboy’s life outside of the gang! Like yes, I wanna know what he does in his free time, yes I wanna know who he hangs out with at school, yes I wanna know that stuff!

Or Steve and Soda’s relationship. Like— they just have a much bigger bond then the book lets on because they’ve been best friends since like first grade. At that point I’d literally consider someone family. Obviously the rest of the Curtis brothers don’t know Steve to the extent Soda does but that’s okay because it’s just them.

Another one could be Two-bit’s family, or even dates with Marcia. Marcia has nothing to do with the gang, Two-bit has this whole girl he could he interact with out side of the gang and it could be explored so much

TLDR I want more content of the gang interacting without everyone as a unit

[thebr0adcast0r]

Entry A: The Victimhood of Alex Kralie

So. Here we are. I made a post on the internet wanting to talk abt Alex as a victim so here we are. For anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the YouTube Series "Marble Hornets." Tldr: it is the predominant and first Slenderman series after Viktor Surge posted his photo edits to Something Awful Forums.

Today, I wanna talk about the seconary antagonist of Marble Hornets, Alex Kralie. It's not that I've seen people outright villify Alex and not acknowledge the influence of the Operator, but I have noticed a tendency to assume outright malice from Alex.

Sure. I have cracked a fair share of jokes about Alex quote "being the true villain of MH cuz he hit Tim on back of the skull with a pipe and then left his d*ck out for several hours" or about how Alex's solution was "gun with less kitchen" and my personal way to spoil but not spoil the comics-"probably fell in The Hole." It's fun to dunk on Local Alabama Man number 3047.

But Alex isn't like that of his own accord. We see it in all of Season 1 and in chunks of 2 and 3. Alex was at one point a decent dude to hang with even if you weren't his immediate friends. Sure he was a pretentious college film director, but I feel like you have to be if you're a college film student. They even acknowledge in the series that Alex being stalkee by the Operator is likely what caused the shift.

"What about all the murder?" Asks some strawman who is not here and no one is probably aaking. So, Alex commits his murders under the impression that once everyone who was involved on the film is dead, the Operator will disappear. White shirt guy waa a fluke I think. I dont think Alex wanted to kill a civillian. But from the second he made contact with Alex, white shirt guy was now a part of it. And without knowing it, Alex was feeding theArk.

Alex never once does the bidding of the Operator, at least not intentionally. I think he was doing what he thought was best, even if to the outside perspective it's a horrific series of him murdering his friends. I don't think it was all good intent, but I don't think Alex took joy in having to kill them all. Even his last words to Tim tell me that.

"This isn't over, you see how it spreads. If there's someone left, you'll have to kill them, and then yourself."

I think us seeing Alex in the amalgam conciousness of Skully adds to this, making it more tragic. Alex can't even talk anymore. He just screeches. No longer the man his friends knew.

"You are Broken." And Alex is a victim who in his attempt to do the right thing, committed horrible crimes, and fed the thing he tried to stop.

[howlingday]

jaune's from a family of raiders

well not quite he's from a culture that puts a lot of stock in capturing and ransoming off their friends and neighbors from other tribes. think of it like a combat sport only some times you're also stealing cattle and horses.

he's a prince of the high king

well again it's more complicated the kingdoms are like city states they don't exactly legislate or collect taxes all the way out into the wilds. but they do send huntsmen to protect the area and then tax the huntsmen.

jaune's dad just happened to be a huntsman who didn't pay taxes because the area his family had lived in for generations also happened to be outside the control of vale. and lots of people wanna live near the huntsmen who can keep them safe. so he has a position of respect among all the tribes. and jaune is his son

he's also required to have a harem

this one is interesting because it's one of those cultural things that seems weird from the outside but makes more sense when you look at it. men are hard to keep alive without a hospital. even with aura. women are part of a protected group like children and so take less risks in life. leading to there being a ton more women than men. and since technology isn't quite to the level of the kingdoms proper,

well more hands to help maintain a house isn't bad right?

but most of all jaune is a man who only wants to do right by his family, whether that be those from the past, or the woman, or women, that he loves.

and this part needs no further clarification

tldr: au where jaune's part of a tribal community and brings his lover or lovers home to meet the family. how does that go for everyone?

P.S: also sorry for the flowery ask, i felt inspired by something

Ooh, do tell the inspiration!

"Unhand me, you brute!" Jaune sighed as the girl in white screeched and squirmed behind him. "Do you know who I am?! When my family hears of this, they will hang you for this! Do you hear me?"

Jaune kept his focus on the road ahead as he gripped the reigns of Valorie, his mare, glancing left and right occasionally to avoid an ambush. His family might have a hold on the territory, but with his father growing in age, so, too, did that grip loosen. A rival tribe or rogue patrol from the kingdoms would easily snatch up an easy target like the lone swordsman and his latest bride.

"Could you at least tell me where we're going?"

"Home." Jaune answered, not looking back.

"Oh, yes, of course! How could I not know? And where exactly is your home?"

"Just up ahead."

"Uh huh, I see, and what are you going to do once you're home?"

Jaune let out a long sigh as he stretched his shoulders a bit. "Well, drop you off with the others, then have you judged, if there's enough time."

"Judged?" Weiss raised an eyebrow. "Judged for what?"

"Wife material." Weiss blushed and her jaw dropped. "Can you cook; can you clean; are you good with children; can you have children; do you have any family illnesses?" He shrugged. "Routine wedding discussions."

"W-Wedding?!" Ah, and just like that, the shrieking began anew. "You savage! You brute! I refuse to be treated like some stock taken to auction, about to be sold to some pervert noble!"

"You're not being sold to a noble." Jaune smiled and looked back. "Just me." Before she could begin again, Jaune let out a sigh of relief. "Finally, we're home."

It may have only been about a week since Jaune had left, but it felt like forever since his departure from the lands of Arcadia. The valleys and hills were as green and lush as ever, and the summer winds carried the calming scent of flowers across it all. He passed the growing crops, where he saw his sisters, their wives, and some of his own watering and tending to them. They waved to him, and he returned one to them.

"Welcome home, Miss Weiss." The girl marveled at the beauty. She had only heard of such places from her studies in the manor, but to see it in person was something else. Before she could admire it more, however, the mare stopped, jostling her from her focus.

Jaune slid down, then pulled Weiss down as well, carrying her bridal style. He then set her onto her own feet and untied the binds on her wrists and ankles. She lifted her leg, then kicked his shin. He yelped in pain.

"That was for the kidnapping!" She shouted.

"Yeesh! Just a kick?" Weiss turned to see a lilac-eyed blonde woman in fieldwork garments smiling at her. "When he dropped me off, they had to get his old man to get me off of him." She looked past Weiss to Jaune. "You going soft on me, or just your taste in women?"

"And who are you?" Weiss spat. "One of his whores?"

Yang laughed and placed a sweaty, mud-encrusted paw on her delicate shoulder. It felt warm at first, then hot as her grip became tight, and her eyes red. "I dare you to say that again."

"Yang, stop it!" Weiss and Yang looked to the younger girl running from inside the house. She was a brunette with red tips and silver eyes, and she wore a red apron that she had to roll up to her shins. She futilely tugged on the blonde woman's arm. "Jaune told you not to hurt anyone else!"

She let go, making the girl yelp as she was lifted with her arm. "Aw, c'mon, Rubes, we were just playing!" She then looked to Weiss, her eyes lilac once more. "Ain't that right, Ice Queen?"

"Ice Queen?!" Weiss balked.

"Yang, cut it out, please." Jaune sighed.

"Fine, fine!" Yang turned around, lowering her arm. The smaller girl let go as she walked away. "Besides, the crops won't grow themselves. I'll go be a good workhorse." She stopped to look back and winked. "I expect my carrot tonight, though, sweetheart~."

"Play nice and we'll see." Jaune responded with a smile. With that, Yang chuckled and resumed walking, swaying her hips for a few more yards before jogging back to the field. He looked to the younger girl and smiled. "And how have you been, Ruby?"

She sighed. "Do you mean after you left, or after you came back?"

"Both."

"After you left, I missed you. It was your mom's birthday, but I couldn't afford a present, so I took on her chores for the week, but I didn't expect her chores included chimney cleaning, so now I have soot so far up my nose, I'm still sneezing black. Then I had to tend to the chickens, but they're so vicious, and I swear they can smell weakness, because the rooster jumped me at least six times. Then Zwei needed a bath, but he somehow tricked me into the tub, so I smell like wet dog a little bit. And then I had to bake her cake all on my own, but there were eggshells in it and it came out both burnt and raw somehow, and I just- Argh!" Ruby collapsed into Jaune's torso. "I really missed you."

Jaune held her and kissed the crown of her head. "I missed you, too, Ruby." He stepped back and held a hand outward towards Weiss. "Ruby Rose-Arc, this is Weiss Schnee. She's going to be my newest bride." He looked to Weiss. "Weiss Schnee, this is Ruby Rose-Arc, my second wife. She and Yang will help prepare you for judging."

"It's so nice to meet you!" Ruby swooped in, snatching the other woman's hands in hers. Her smile was wide and bright. "It'll be nice to have another short girl in our home!"

"No!" Weiss yanked her hands away. "I refuse! When my father hears of this, he'll-"

"Oh, that reminds me!" Jaune walked to Valorie and reached into her saddlebag. Weiss grumbled as she watched him pull out a small, burlap sack. "Here, Ruby. This was part of the dowry, but I want you to have it."

Ruby opened the sack and squealed in delight. "Dust crystals!" She hugged the new woman tightly. "You are the bestest bestie a bestie could ever have!"

"What the-?! Where did you get those?!" Weiss shrieked.

"From your father." Ruby ran inside with her new sack. "In exchange for marrying you, we'll allow him to trade through our lands."

"My father would never-!" Jaune gave her a curious look. "I mean, not to one of his own-!" Her voice grew softer. "I thought..."

"Listen," Jaune placed a hand on her shoulder, "if you don't want to marry me, I understand. Most of the others didn't want to, either. But if you give it a few days, you might learn to love it here. You won't go hungry, you'll be well protected, and I promise you'll be loved every day."

"I just... I didn't think I would be treated like this. By my own family."

"I know." Jaune removed his hand. "Would it be okay if I hugged you?"

"I-"

"JAUNEY!" The two saw a young woman bull rush towards Jaune, carrying a dead boar high above her head. Jaune extended his arms out and caught her, spinning in place at least a dozen times. Blood sprayed around, including onto Weiss and the other two as they embraced. When they stopped, Jaune set her down, giving her a butterfly kiss with his nose to hers. "You're home!"

Jaune chuckled. "Yup!" He peered around her and looked to Weiss. "And I brought back someone new."

Nora turned around and gasped as she looked at Weiss. "Oh! My! Dust! You are so small!" She looked to Jaune and waggled her brow. "Be careful you don't break her!" She then laughed. "I'd shake your hand, but, uh, I'm a little busy. I'm Nora Valkyrie-Arc, Jaune's fourth wife."

"Weiss Schnee." Blood dripped from her hair. "And I was just about to leave."

"Aw! Already?! We were gonna make pancakes tomorrow!"

"I was going to make pancakes, Nora." Weiss turned to the male voice and saw a slim man in the doorway, wearing both an apron and a blank expression. "Just like I do every morning for you."

"Renny!" Nora cheered before tossing the trophy to him. "This is my first husband, Lie-Valkyrie Ren!"

Despite his slim figure, the man held the heavy beast with seemingly no trouble. "A pleasure to meet you." He nodded, before turning to head inside.

"Is he also your husband?" Weiss asked. Jaune chuckled nervously. This was going to be a long day, but they both already knew that.

[memorieow]

I'm putting memorie on indefinite hiatus

Content warning as I do discuss abuse, rape and trauma in general

TLDR: I have been enduring abuse since I was a teen and this latest traumatic event has affected me to the point of leaving the internet behind, including this musical alias.

I’ve been offline for a little while over Christmas and also recently been unable to get on social media and been reflecting on what I want not only for this project but just my life and happiness in general. The entire events of the past few months have been traumatic, and it’s such a slap in the face when I was on a path to being mentally healthy and healed from previous trauma. I remember how the relationships and friendships in my life used to play out and how inept I was trying to navigate the world being like 15, 16, 17 with all this shit going on in my brain, being isolated from all my friends in real life and just being in this deep depression, thinking everyone was mad at me, mistreating people close to me and self sabotaging my life. I mean my childhood was alright but since I was 13, I’ve been put through events that I can’t even bring myself to think about, just repress it as best I can. I think about how when I turned 17 I chose to get better and learned so much about how to just be a person again. I got beat up a few months prior and was wearing the same neutral outfit every day. I say neutral as there was nothing identifiable about it, it wasn’t even masculine or feminine, just neutral. I remember just feeling like I’d lost all sense of self, like no matter what I did, as long as I lived I was going to be put through traumatic events no matter what. The truth is, when you live in the middle of nowhere and grow up weird and sensitive and you think there’s just something wrong with your existence, you tend to just hang around whoever will hang around you. I put myself in situations to get abused, hurt, traumatized. But when I turned 17, I just decided to be “myself” and work on healing myself and so when I got into yet another relationship that year, I tried as hard as I could to do everything right, but ultimately, when you’re with someone who hurts you, it messes with your head, you do stuff out of character, they manipulate you into this weak shell of a person where you’re controlled by them. And when it gets really bad you just hide it. I just can’t believe that after how many times I tried to tell my friends I was being abused, they all didn’t believe me when I was essentially forced to come out about it. Like how many times did I say I wanted to get out, how many times did I call you from outside the house because I was scared to be in the house with her, how many times did I write a song and literally say in the fucking lyrics someone is hurting me, it’s killing me.

It’s crazy, after I finally left her I tried to give her a chance at being my friend, I never wanted to see her as only bad and I especially never wanted her image hurt, I’d be on the phone with her and she’d beg me to come back to her and live with her and when I said no, she’d threaten me with posting stuff on twitter about me, blatant lies, recounting a phone call where I was supportive, and saying me, an actual rape victim, tried to victim blame her. Combine that with discord messages that are literally 3 years old from the age of 15 (right after the most traumatic event of my life) of me reaching out for help (not in a healthy way, but again, nobody tells you when you get raped at 15 how to cope or how to act in the future) and that was enough for basically all of my friends to leave me behind. This is all to say, I don’t wanna be in this community, I don’t want more fake friends, I want to be appreciated by those around me for who I am, believed, taken seriously. I don’t even like making this music anymore, it’s been entirely ruined for me if I’m being honest. I just hope when I finally get the strength to leave, they leave me alone. If getting abused wasn’t enough, being reminded of it by the constant harassment and death threats from her and her friends is enough to send me off the internet. I don’t wanna do this anymore, I wanna work my job and go to school and then move far away. Thanks to anyone who read, this won’t be available to read soon I don’t think just due to google’s limitations. I just wanna put the mic down for now, I want to be okay, and this soundcloud serves as a reminder of what’s happened to me. I wanna heal and I don’t need this following me. I wanna say to anyone who’s been through physical or emotional abuse, especially alone, I’m so sorry for what you’ve endured. It’s not right or fair that this happens, it’s not right or fair when the people around you choose to not believe you, it’s awful and I can’t describe how bad it gets. But you can always rebuild and leave those shitty people behind and heal, become better and although trauma sticks with you forever, it gets easier. At least I hope so. 

Again thank you for reading and once I finish these last few paid verses/placements I will be deactivating my instagram/discord/everything else I can find that has my name attached and you will most likely not hear from me again unless we’re close.

Thank you so much to everyone who's supported me over the past year and a half, thank you to the people who came to see me live, I'm sure I will perform again some day, just not as "memorie", lol. Thank you everyone. Till next time

[mikaze-discord]

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon: 

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE 

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda: 

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt: 

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.

[ymir-is-jesus]

yumimika 🤔. How do you think the dynamics between them would be?

Thanks for the ask anon! I wanna apologize in advance cuz I'm gonna go on a lot of tangents here (that are borderline fanfiction) because Ymir and Mikasa are my 2 favourite characters in the series and I just love the dynamic I've built in my head for them.

If I had to device a plot to get these two together it would have to be with something completely separate from their relationship/feelings from Eren and Historia. I just feel like it would be a trend if this ship had a bit more attention and that brings so much bad taste in my mouth I don't even want to think about it.

To elaborate on that, I would love to have them as secret friends. We all know Ymir has a bitchy exterior but a big softie interior and Mikasa is all tough and stoic on the outside but soft and feminine on the inside.

I just think that with Ymir being incredibly nosy and perceptive (she reads people very well fairly easily), it's hard to believe she hasn't thought of Mikasa and analyzed her at one point in training camp. I believe she has multiple times and maybe even confronted her about whatever she sees in her (be it her feelings/devotion for Eren, her soft side, or something else).

I think Ymir's tendency to be annoyingly nosy could bring her closer to Mikasa. Just to be clear, I'm talking possibilities they couldve had at bonding during their trainee years. Since at that time it seems as though Eren and Armin spent more time with each other than with Mikasa (girls and boys cabins were separate), Mikasa would've had to bond with other girls and Eren may have even pushed her to. Relatively speaking, it would sound like she'd get along with Sasha the best and would probably spend most of her time with her if not with Eren and Armin. And I think that's the case.

BUT, I think during uneventful, mundane days, girls separated from the boys, Krista* hanging out with other girls and Ymir and Mikasa finding themselves alone with Ymir bored, there would be time for them to get to know each other in secret. A time for Ymir to try to pry Mikasa's deepest darkest secrets, to get her to snap, to make her vulnerable so when the time comes, she can use it against her (Ymir is super cunning and smart much like Armin).

Mikasa is also smart though, so she'll most likely be unaffected by whatever Ymir puts on to her. And maybe the mundane will bring Ymir to the realization that penetrating through Mikasa's walls is near impossible so she'll give up eventually. But instead of leaving her alone I have this headcanon that Ymir will try to get a stab at a genuine connection with Mikasa, asking her about her interests (maybe knitting??) sharing their opinions, etc and it'll be like a shared secret between them on a mundane day. And maybe they're both insomniac and late night walks would calm them down and they just so happen to bump into each other at various points in the middle of their late night walks and decide to walk together, sharing small discussions and not saying goodnight after they get back into the cabin.

I was also thinking that since Eren spent like 95% of one on one combat trainings with Reiner and Annie, maybe Ymir gets "roped" into sparring against Mikasa and Mikasa is more than happy to indulge herself in giving Ymir a good beating (after so many annoying ass shit Ymir has tried to pull on her).

So, as a bit of a tldr: I think their dynamic would be a secret bond, a secret friendship/softness with each other, sharing thoughts/opinions and maybe even secrets only privy to themselves and each other.

I also think this would give the scene with Mikasa telling Historia (during Reiner, Bert, Ymir's kidnap attempt on Eren and Historia) that she doesn't have space to care about other people any more, much more depth to it. And the part in season 1 where Ymir asked about Mikasa, if she's okay or not,, not sure if that was on the manga but I'm pretty certain it was on the anime.

[stormsbourne]

do you think hs is worth reading? for someone who hasnt read it before. bc i kinda wanna get into it but this epilogue stuff seems kinda shitty and confusing af. sry for bothering u abt it but i just genuinely wanna know. xoxo

ADDED AFTER THE FACT: WOW THIS REPLY IS LONG SORRY

honestly, I don’t know. my experience with homestuck at this point is that I try not to think about it because the ending was so deliberately mean and shitty that it ruins the journey. it tells me all the depth and meaning I saw in the original was just me projecting, playing shadow puppets with themes I like and relate to and could get invested in. a friend of mine has a theory that andrew hussie is just the ultimate appeaser who adopts the views of whoever he hanggs around with, and so a lot of the stuff I identified closely with was during the era when he hung out with mostly sjw types (act 5.2 through pre-omegapause act 6). then he started hanging around with edgelords again, and people who sniffed his farts and told him how brilliant they were. whew. love it. love where this has brought us.

if you really do want to read it for the context of knowing what everyone has been talking about, honestly, then you should go for it. the story might not click with you and you might find yourself falling out, because the early comic is infamously difficult to get into. HOWEVER: 

you may feel like you have gotten a complete story after a video/flash segment in late act 6 called “remem8er.” if you want to stop there, you are perfectly within your rights. 

if you don’t stop there, then you SHOULD stop either after a video/flash segment in act 6 titled “collide,” or, at the latest, after “act 7.” don’t bother with the snapchat updates. they were ultimately completely pointless.

PLEASE do not read the epilogues. if, eventually, you feel the need to know what’s in them, there are some good summary posts out there -- I wouldn’t recommend mine, it’s a little too rambly and the original version got some plot points wrong. just use those. don’t read the actual thing. it is a waste of time

and obviously don’t bother with homestuck 2

and, more importantly, if you do get into it, don’t even fucking bother with the dregs of the fandom today. homestuck fandom always sucked shit, but these days it’s worse than ever mainly because the authors of hs2 are very active on twitter and are very loud about what they think of critics. they’re whiny ass babies who are overinvolved with their fandom and then whine about people discussing their shit. don’t bother with current fandom. go read some stuff from before april 2019 on ao3 and enjoy it there. the homestuck fandom as it stands now is basically a ghost town full of shrieking wraiths demanding why you don’t love andrew hussie’s brilliant genius. 

as for the companion games (hiveswap/friendsim/pesterquest), I have no interest in any of them whatsoever at this point especially because pq just seems like another way for the hs2 people to rub one off about their incarnation of “canon.” but if they’re your jam, go for it I guess. 

the thing for me is that my knowledge of what a shitbird andrew hussie is has ruined any depth I once read in these characters. there’s a couple things I may write on commission soon, but outside of commissions I can never see myself seriously engaging with it again because every time I think about it, I feel like andrew hussie is taking a shit in my dinner all over again.

did I meantion 4/13, the big arc number, is my birthday? lol

TLDR: if you want to read it to understand the cultural phenomenon, go for it, but don’t read anything outside the comic’s original ending, act 7. I find it hard to recommend for the same reasons that people who watched game of thrones might find it hard to recommend their show now. the ending so thoroughly stripped the rest of it of any meaning or depth or emotional resonance that the feeling I have when I consider it is just an inner deadness. so if you want the story or the characters or the worldbuidling, you have to be willing to weigh how much you personally can divorce What Happened After from what happened in the comic itself. and I just can’t do it because I was there as it happened, basically.

[strawbearyhoney]

Haikyuu!! Kids

so this was supposed to be about the kids of my fave ships from haikyuu!!, but also it turned into more discussing family dynamics,,, this is very self indulgent of me! expect headcanons and projections. also im worried that i made yukio an autistic stereotype, but. im autistic and thats what i was like as a kid and also i want to give her lots of friends like i never had, so. yeah. to see pics of them, look here! but the pics arent in order, warning :3

TsukkiYama’s Kid

A girl, Aiko. Tsukki is a trans boy (Yama is NB) so she is their biological daughter. She has yama’s freckles, and she wears glasses, and has tan skin, and curly blond hair and a cowlick! 

Tsukki and yama are Domestic™. they always joke and tease and (lightly) bicker with each other, their home is a very playful and cozy and open environment. She feels that she can go to them with anything, and get comfort/advice. They (tsukkiyama) have fun but they aren’t as loud/energetic as, say, hinata or bokuto- she isnt necessarily shy, but she is softspoken and softhearted. Tsukki n yama are very in love, and are domestic and affectionate, and she’s become a bit of a hopeless romantic watching them- she loves shoujo manga and daydreaming about what her wedding will be like. She’s autistic, like Tsukki!

she isnt into sports, but she does love being outside, and because of her the family has a habit of going out on picnics in the park! she’s in elementary school, and her best friend is bokuto and kuroo’s kid, Yoko

IwaOi’s Kids

two girls, and a boy- Mana, Akane, and Katsu! all adopted. The girls are biological sisters, in middle school, and the boy is a new addition to the family, only a year and a half old. the girls have long brown hair, and the boy is tan with black hair.

Mana is the younger sister, and is very polite and calm. She likes ~sophisticated~ things and princess aesthetics, like tea parties and lace and bows. Oikawa totally spoils her, she’s daddy’s little princess! She’s not bratty though, she’s very nice, and voluntarily helps around the house and things like that. She and her sister get along well, and she likes taking care of her little brother, cause it makes her feel responsible and royal.

Akane is the oldest, and she’s super into volleyball (much to iwaoi’s glee). She’s on a youth volleyball team, and Iwaoi never miss a game! She’s lazier than her sister and doesn't like doing chores, she’d rather be doing something more fun! she’s not into Mana’s whole aesthetic, and thinks she should be letting loose and playing more while shes still a kid, but she respects her sister and her attempted lifestyle.

Katsu is only a year and a half old, but so far he is a very sleepy and soft boy! Iwa buys him lots of godzilla merch

BoKuroo’s Kid

nonbinary, uses she/her pronouns, Yoko. short black hair that coves her eyes, braces, likes wearing bright colours! fave fashion fau pax: skirt over pants. Bokuto and Kuroo are both trans boys, so she’s adopted.

bokuroo’s household is very messy and loud, but full of love. she loves both her dads very much, and always makes them crafts and brings them flowers (and bokuro die of happiness each time). their house is never quiet- either music is playing, laughter is being made, or arguments over board games are happening (or a mix of all three). their house is fun and all, but sometimes she does get in trouble for trying to break rules (like staying up too late, or not doing her homework). bokuroo wanna be Fun Parents™, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do! shes very friendly, and loves colours/colouring! shes never really emberassed, as bokuroo have raised her to be sure of herself and she knows her dads always have her back, at least.

she’s autistic, and she has lots of friends! her best friend is tsukkiyama’s kid, Aiko. she loves cats and running, and wants to be on the track team when she gets to middle school!

TanaNoya’s Kids

A boy and a girl, Tsuyoshi and Ryota! Noya and Tanaka are both trans, but even if they weren’t they wanted to adopt anyways. Tsuyoshi is the older brother, and tries to act all cool but is such a dork. He has long dark hair in a low ponytail. Ryota is a bit cold to others, but around her family she is very playful and they all have lots of laughs together! She also has long dark hair, usually pinned back from her face.

The tananoya household is very lively, to say the least. The kids are delinquents and tananoya dont discourage it- admittedly they think its cool, but also they say that the kids should get out their rebellion now while theyre still kids. They still have to do their homework (tananoya got them a tutuor when they realized they werent much help) and let them know where they are, so what does it matter if they skip some classes, or talk back to a teacher or two?

The family cooks together all the time, and they have fun with it! Sometimes it dosen’t turn out so well so they order in afterwards. Their house can get messy sometimes, cause instead of cleaning throughout the week, sunday is cleaning day, and they do all the laundry and mopping and stuff on sundays- with the exception of dishes, which get done frequently.

DaiSuga’s Kid

a girl, Emi. She’s adopted, in middle school, and has short black hair.

she’s very studious, and not very athletic, but she likes watching her dads play, and sometimes she joins in with just tossing the ball around at the park.

Daichi is a Responsible Parent™, but suga usually lets her get away with stuff behind dai’s back, like sneaking her chocolate before dinner, or letting her out of time out early (when she was younger, obvi). Thats not to say that she likes suga better! Daichi is her strong and reliable dad that takes care of her when she’s sick and helps her with school and makes her feel safe. and, dont get it twisted, daichi can be playful too, when he wants to be! She loves them both so much!

she’s polite enough, and not necessarily on bad terms with anyone, but she doesn’t really have many friends- mostly just acquaintances. she loves spending time with her dads, but wishes she had more friends her own age, or even that she could have a sibling to hang out with.

she loves to go to the park with her dads, she usually reads in the fresh air for a while before joining her dads in tossing the vball around :)

TLDR: im bi and autistic and i like to feel wholesome. asdfghjklkjhgfd this feels so comforting, so real. wow gay love is the purest thing on earth!

[odditycollector]

Anti-Parallel Evolution

[disclaimer: as always with just-so stories, i'm talking 'what i enjoy believing' not 'true with any authority']

This is kinda a continuation of my semi recent homestuck myth post, and kinda a continuation of my not even a little recent blackrom post**.

**[Which I think still holds up, although if I was re-writing it today I'd put either way less or way more effort into bullshitting the low-level mechanisms of reproduction, 'cause that's the least thought-out part & it shows. tldr: I enjoy believing trolls have many more than 2 parents.]

And alas but I've gotta ruin the "true thing” hidden in the homestuck myth post to go on with this one.

It's the last bit, where the early proto-trolls were, as a swarm, a single(ish?) superorganism in the way that a colony of earth ants or termites or bees can be best understood as a single superorganism, but then as the trolls evolved they became more and more individualistic until they are as we meet them.

Things that make more sense this way:

variation between "castes"

eg, why are there sea trolls? why are deep blue trolls apparently hoarding all the superstrength? why are there powers that you'd expect to find in yellows or ceruleans respectively... but not v.v.?

a: because at one time they were specialized "cells" of a superorganism, where the castes had different functions like how ants have soldiers and workers and breeders.

and those divisions were either too useful (for some definition of "useful") or too genetically baked in to be completely erased yet even if they've blurred.

incestuous slurry

eg, if the endgame is sexual reproduction, why not just have two parents and less confusion (even if imo it would be a waste of thinking about aliens)

a: because primitive superorganisms, to the best of my knowledge of science's knowledge, only hold together when they are all genetically similar. (This is why a cell in your liver is willing to cast its lot with a cell in your brain it will never meet.) Otherwise, individuals will *cheat* - find a way to reproduce outside what is best for the entire superorganism, and after that there are *more* genetic cheaters, who cheat more, and then... death by extremely slow existential cancer, is almost what it sounds like I'm describing here?

How genetically similar *are* trolls then?

no idea, but here is the thing: even if genetic similarity is GREAT for cooperation, it is CRAP for being a viable species that is not going to go the way of the genetically identical eating bananas - currently in the process of all getting killed by one disease strain. And if you're an r-selected** species - many many children, low resource investment, low survival to adulthood rates - you can afford to do a lot of genetic experimenting (ie, have a high mutation rate) because the fucked up ones will just die, like most of them do anyway, and hey, you never know.

**[Or close enough for this post.]

So this is what I'm positing.

your dna goes into the slurry, baby trolls come out of the slurry. check. but which baby trolls are made of YOUR dna in particular? Well, who's counting, but probably a lot. like "more than you'd get with 2 parents per troll" a lot.

If you have 20 paired chromosomes and (with some help >;) ), you split them down the middle and make 2 kids with half your dna each, you have an investment in getting those 2 kids as far in life as you can, because that's the whole you.

but split them further - say one chromosome per kid - and now you have *40* kids you're invested in seeing survive in order for there to be a whole copy of you still floating around in the 2nd generation.

But at the same time, you have way *less* of an investment in each one of those 40 than when it was only 2. And again, who's counting? Any number of the baby trolls crawling inside the caverns could have bits of you in their mix.

Instead of caring a *lot* about *some* members of your species, you care a *little* about *all* of them.

Maybe that's enough to get a species to hang out together? That'd be worth the energy it’d cost to do it if it'd be so.

That and... *one* other thing.

Cheaters, remember?

The way insects do it is central control. The non-queen individuals biologically cannot** reproduce on their own terms.

**[or close enough for this post]

oh hey, *who does that sound like*?

The thing I like to believe is trolls don't make eggs on their own, and haven't for millions and millions of years, b/c once upon a time when they still did make eggs they parasitized the proto-mothergrub species the way wasps lay their eggs in caterpillars, and this became proto-trolls parasitizing the proto-mothergrub species by making them make eggs containing proto-troll dna, and this became whatever is going on today.

(If you think that is too neat and unlikely you should look into the terrifying shit Earth insects have managed to get up to.)

So, with all that, could a species introduce significant genetic variation at the individual level and still survive as a superorganism?

Well...

it *didn't*, did it?

[And here's a thought.

[Spiders - singular insects - are r-selected the way trolls seem to be. Lots of eggs, few to reach adulthood, competition intense.

[but are *hive bees* r-selected?

[arguably, they are not. bee colonies don't make as many new bees as possible, they only make as many new bees as they need, and they provide the baby bees honey to eat and nursemaids to take care of them until they become adult bees.

[and isn't it kinda weird that post-pupation trolls seem somehow, like, *injured* by growing up by themselves in a harsh world, even though it “should” be what they are evolved for?

[Maybe they're meant to be less r-selected than we assume.

[That last bit's not What I Like To Believe(tm), but it's a thought.]

Wow that single quick intro paragraph got away from me a little :/

Anyway, parallel evolution is when two species, faced with similar constraints, evolve similar traits to deal with those constraints.

eg, flying squirrels and flying lizards both glide around on flaps of skin, but they have not shared an ancestor for a very very long time - They both developed the flying thing separately.

Humans... okay, we all know about humans, right? We were once more individualistic creatures but then we slowly, piecemeal, learned the trick of inter-group cooperation and used it to take over the world.

So humans were individuals who learned group-ishness, and trolls were a group that learned individuality, and then we all met together somewhere in the middle.

That’s what I think would be cool.

[bonus question: Humans have developed *intER*group cooperation. Trolls were starting from a place of *intRA*group connection and working backwards. Which one of us d'you suppose would be better at making interspecies friends, come alien contact?]

And the interesting part is, in both cases, you get there the same way.

via neoteny!

neoteny is when a species evolves to keep more child-like traits into adulthood. It's what fuels the domestication process - being docile and curious and trusting and friendly is a phase for *babies*. ...And/or any species that 1. naturally goes through that phase and 2. hangs around humans too long.

Including humans.

We are all giant whiny babies who have no one to blame but ourselves. That is science facts.

And genes are complicated and stuff so when you change the behaviour of a species you change the physical traits of the species as well, and a domesticated animal will keep child-like markings/features/etc into adulthood and that's why dogs have floppy ears.

But! Back to homestuck trolls.

It is easy to read what we are given in-comic as "these kids are growing less violent as they get older, and at the very beginning of their humanoid life - the 'trials' - they had to be really quite vicious indeed".

To illustrate my headcanons here’s a snippet from an old thing I wrote:

At about 5 sweeps is where things get interesting.

The trials are long over, and so the slow wave of settlement. There are enough resources to go around; bloodlust is falling out of fashion with the inexorable change of brain hormones. Suddenly, everyone is interested in figuring out the *rules*.

or:

“Yes,” she says. “Sure. Right. Karkat, you’ve survived this long with less challenge than anyone else I’ve known. Here.”

Kanaya pries the book from him and searches through it for a passage. “…proximity to the parasite has been observed to actuate the development of premature empathy in adolescent trolls.”

“Premature empathy,” Karkat repeats. “You mean that being around me makes trolls less aggressive. Just by *existing* at you, I made you *weak*. Oh fuck. I’m so sorry.”

I could argue my case in depth but it's not that unusual a theory and I don't wanna go on another whole essay tangent.

But the kid trolls only know what adults are like from their media, which is explicitly mentioned to make stuff just for kids, who are into violence. Maybe the troll child-friendly channel is the one with all the goriest stuff on it, idk, but I def. do not believe there is no adult-audienced media anywhere in the fleet.

So like

Humans: Neoteny --> more childlike --> more trusting, curious, and friendly

Trolls: Neoteny --> more childlike --> more individualistic and uncooperative

See? *backwards*

(And Her Imperious Condescension sure looks cool to the hs troll kids, but maybe she's just a spoiled brat who never really grew up. Not like THAT's not a theme for Homestuck villains.)

And now... here we are.

And the real reason I brought us all this way is because it opens up an potentially amusing cultural mismatch.

We have certain associations with facial proportions, right? It's neoteny all over again (and also some sexism but).

And maybe trolls have the opposite associations... for the same reasons**!

**[Yes I am assuming trolls have similar childhood traits because otherwise it isn’t funny.]

here are some neoteny linked traits:

low, large eyes small chin, nose large head:body size ratio short stature invokes the general abstract concept of roundness somehow etc.

Human RX:

adorable! helpless/vulnerable/needs protection i just met it and i loooove it! does it need hugs cause i have extra hugs just lying around here compelled to hold/pet/cuddle it

Troll RX (suggested):

vicious/violent/dangerous leave it alone or it will bite you probably unpredictable/disloyal selfish likely to end up dead anyway so not really worth caring about instinctual revulsion (judging from karkat + grubs)

and some anti-neotony linked traits:

smaller eyes, higher in head larger nose, jaw taller with smaller head:body ratio etc.

Human RX:

more likely to be dangerous (poss. in protection of itself/bonded others) suffers fools less than gladly, see also: unwanted attention self-sufficient jealous of resources/not good at sharing closed off/suspicious

Troll RX (hypothesized):

more emotionally stable more socially adept/a potential friend or ally competent/proven sex haver competent/proven at self protection safer to let down your guard around it able to usefully cooperate in groups towards shared goal

Okay? Okay.

okay......

So then imagine Karkat's reaction the first time he gets a puppy shoved in his face.

:)

The end.

I'm out of typing now.

[illjustblamemypasttrauma]

Hi :)

Its been a while! Life has been fine. Feeling a little better overall, less depressed but also started a new assignment for therapy. I got into TWU for counseling! Kinda stressed cuz gotta figure out everything else now :/ BUT I feel good about having something to look forward to but also feel anxious about ... yikes. I’ve got lots of plans for this weekend (which I’m only mildly anxious about). Going out with my coworker and his friend tonight... gotta be social... but tomorrow I have therapy and then my friend is coming up from austin and we’re gonna go to 6 Flags! <3. Yeah kinda anxious about tonight just cuz like I’m not very social due to like me fearing social situations. Like it just plays to all my insecurities: fear of being weird/different, fear of doing something and looking stupid, fear of people not liking me, etc. I mean I’ve gone out before and tried to be social so it isn’t something completely new, I’m just stressed cuz last time I went out with my coworker we kinda hooked up? not really just basic shit aka me being horny and him being someone I feel comfortable with. I WONT GO INTO DETAILS because I’m kinda embarrassed? anyways I’m stressed also cuz like last time we went it was DEAD and he tried to make me talk to people and like I haven’t had to talk to new people in a long time like I just don’t do it ever. And I said something about that and my coworkers gave me shit about how I need to be more sociable cuz it only gets worse or whatever so I’m just not excited for that aspect of tonight. It’ll be fun tho, I’ll meet his friend, drink free alchy from him and get to chill after a long week.

FOR THERAPY:

How I feel about Crohn’s... I just am Annoyed about it. Like as if my upbringing wasn’t shitty enough I have to worry about taking a shit or being constipated all day everyday. I would worry about people noticing how long I was in the bathroom, worry if I missed something if I went during class (which was almost always), worry if people would hear me shitting in the bathroom (cuz they normally aren’t Good Shits). It was so frustrating just existing and knowing there’s something medically wrong with you and the doctor just doesn’t know what it is. Then they claim its something and give you meds and they don’t actually help. All this while I’m shy/introverted and keeping my mouth shut about my body because I fear it. I fear my mind and body cuz I’m gay and believe without a doubt that its a sin. I’m afraid to talk to people about anything cuz they’ll figure out I’m gay. Just like all the friends that I made growing up. The group of girls (outside church) who would be like “are you gay?” just because I liked to hang out with them (granted I was pretty effeminate). Like even to this day I am afraid to say certain things, have people judge me, based on who I am, what I like. I think the most potent feeling was frustration. I just was frustrated that I was suffering and no one could help and I didn’t know what to do. I was frustrated cuz it sucked and I wanted to just be normal.

I’m supposed to review stories from my high school years but to be honest I don’t remember a lot. I blocked most of it out (cuz I don’t wanna remember how shitty I felt during some of it.) I do remember I think my junior or senior year of high school we went on a church boys camp kinda thing to Galveston and I remember us stopping at a gas station, actually I remember suffering through like 30-an hour before hand where I would just focus on deep breathing exercises (before I even knew what they were) to help lower my anxiety which kinda helped my need to shit, but anyway we finally stop and I just go and EXPLODE in the toilet and I’m taking forever but like my stomach still hurts and I would always feel like theres more to come and like god I was so embarrassed when I got back in cuz like its obvious I was taking a giant shit. I had a similar experience on a different boys camp thing we were about to go rafting or something? and so we had one last stop before going out and like me and this other kid (who later came out as a trans woman, good for her) like took turns taking massive dumps in the stalls. And like I remember just Knowing what was going on with them and like I don’t think I was judgmental but just knowing and realizing that others would know too, and look at me differently too like just made it worse. 

To be honest the worst for me was probably just like living my day to day life being anxious/stressed about my crohn’s and which would cause me to shit more which caused more anxiety (vicious cycle I wrote a paper on) while I was going to college. Like BYU was just a really hard time for me emotionally which lead to my physical health getting fucked. I remember I would like be late to quizzes, miss attendance, have to walk in late in front of the class or even walk out in front of everyone DURING class to go to the bathroom. Like my whole issue about being gay is what I focus on more but god my shit issues were Terrible and my doctor was in fucking Texas... Then I get home for a year and that doesn’t help either. I’m anxious about school still and now I’m driving over 30 to get there so like of course I almost shit myself, have to stop on the way there, and even miss class some days because of it. Finally when I went to UT it got somewhat better just because I had gotten into a routine of like knowing how to arrange my schedule so that I would have time to shit between classes or while at work or whatever. But still I was so anxious about everything... I was a dumb scared gay and didn’t know how to be social without it being forced on me. I wanna say I felt anxious, scared, but also a little ashamed. Like I should be better than this. That it was just something to overcome. That I shouldn’t let it define me. But like... I can’t stop it from existing. I can only lessen its effect on me and I can be more honest with myself and other people and deal with any shit people throw at me, even though most don’t care they’re probs more interested than anything.

While thinking about stories from my Crohn’s I thought about my one time I actually shit myself. I was getting back from downtown with friends (which DT is always hit or miss with me I think like its the anxiety as well as alcohol just gives me the shits sometimes, also friday nights are when I inject so like the very end of the dose to the new dose in the same day (I just tried to google and see how fast injecting works but cant find anything)) But anyway I was getting back with my friend who I met in lab and was visiting from the UK and we had a fun time dt, but then before we started waiting for the bus I could feel it coming on. Anyways the bus ends up taking forever to come and by that point I’m doing my like awkward dance breathing exercises trying to sit just right to alleviate the pain and like I’m so close to just shitting on that bus. BUT we make the 20 mins (at least) bus ride to west campus and we get off right in front of Whataburger and god I speed walked inside with my cheeks CLENCHED and that wasn’t enough. I felt the shit slide through my cheeks as I was like a step away from the door and after that it just wouldn’t stop so I ended up taking off my pants/underwear, and washing my underwear in the sink (luckily they were kinda tight so everything just stayed in the underwear) and like i remember having to smush the shit to smaller pieces in the sink (which probably wasn’t safe for disposal there) and I ended up washing them and putting the underwear back on and being like “hey so I just shit my pants and washed my underwear in the sink, can we leave?” and they were like “oh shit yeah, you good?” and I ended up staying at her subleased apartment and like shitting some more and she was like... you sure you good?? and ugh it was like awkward but like she still loved hanging out with me?? like I make people out to be so scary, and some people are, but like most people are so nice and understanding you just gotta be honest with them about your problems.

Anyway.. Its been a bit of my ranting and ugh TLDR: Crohns just really sucks and honestly I wish I didn’t have to deal with it, but since my gayness was happening at the same time I tended to focus on that issue so my crohn’s was put on the back burner and just never got dealt with.

[pumpkaboochy]

Oooof

These past few days have been rough emotionally for me. I've come to terms with my past and why I'm very distant and never wanna be nice or make friends. In fact keeping up with people kinda has always been a chore. I'm gonna start by saying everything I'm about to type is no reason for me to be acting the way I am towards people in general and how I treat people who I am even lucky enough to still call friends. Honestly these people deserve a better friend and I wanna try to be that but I need time to grow and learn. I've only recently discovered that I've being doing things very wrong. Anyway here's some back story I only recently started analyzing. Again this is no excuse for my distant and rude behavior.

Ever since I could remember, 5 days a week my parents would send me off to babysitters all the time when I was younger with the exclusion of holidays of course. I never really minded it so much as my babysitters did a good job keeping an eye on me. I did however wish from time to time that I could spend more time with my parents as I was always away from them and felt I knew my babysitters more than I knew anything about my own parents and Vise versa. Honestly I felt really sad when they would have to tell my parents things about me rather then just having them see it for themselves. I understood that my parents had to work and that's why they couldn't watch me and later on I would feel resentful.

Eventually I started pre k and i was so excited because finally i wouldn't be babysat anymore and something new was changing in my life. Also BOTH my parents were able to attend my first day with me and that made me really happy that they made time to be there until of course they had to leave. I wailed and cried at the top of my lungs because I finally thought i was gonna be able to spend more time with them. Instead they were just dumping me off to new people to look after and take care of me. It was a lot like being babysat but I actually had to do work. I really didn't care about making friends cause all I wanted was to spend time with my parents. Let me also tell you that in my 23 years of life I had never really looked into why I was crying so hard as they were leaving me. I really was hurt and felt like my parents didn't really care to spend time with me. Again I know the actual case was they both worked and did the best they could but at the same time I never really felt like they tried too hard to make an emotional bond. I know now that they do care. It was really hard for them because I was a surprise. My parents were 40 with no intention of having kids but here I was coming into the world weather they liked it or not so I understand. At the same time I was still always jealous of the kids whose parents could always come to every school event and field trip with them. I was even more resentful of the kids who were always the lasts ones at school and the first ones to leave as I was always the opposite as my parents went to work early and got off late.

Anyway this isn't a sob story how my life was hard cause it wasn't. I was literally always taken care of I just wish I was taken care of by someone at least in my family. Being babysat by strangers wasn't that fun cause I never felt like I could make an emotional bond with them cause I felt like I shouldn't cause they weren't my family. I also had trouble trusting people cause I didn't really know the people who were taking care of me. Like why did my parents have me if they couldn't be the ones to take care of me? Why didn't anyone in my family step up to the plate and offer to help my parents out like they did to everyone else in my family? I felt so unwanted and a nuisance to my parents and my family as a child. I never felt like I could hang out with people outside school or camp because my parents didn't have time to do that or were too tired. I remember asking my father one time if I could see a movie with my friends and if he could bring me and he told me I was born into the wrong family and what's worse is I knew he was right. I couldn't do all these things my friends could do like hang out outside of our natural social setting. I grew used to it but I've been so ready to not have to be able to rely on them since my babysitting days really.

I know very well I was born at an inconvenient period of my family's life but why did they always make it seem like it was my fault I was put here? This isn't a sob story I know people have it worse but literally always feeling like you're an annoyance in your family's lives as a child has its mental toll. I never felt the need to look at my life this way cause I know my parents did the best they could to keep a roof over our heads and I'm not asking for a different family. I just wish some parents would think before having a kid if they can REALLY take care of a child. Being able to provide is one thing but also providing emotional support FROM YOU THE PARENT can go a long way. To be fair I should have gotten therapy a long time ago. My parents did offer it to me but I rejected it because I didn't want them to complain that it would be a burden to take me to and from therapy as well as paying for it. I shouldn't have been so scared to take the offer cause then maybe I wouldn't be realizing so much about just making acquaintances or how to trust and not be afraid of people going in and out of your life. I have been so afraid of people just coming and going that I never thought anyone was worth the time. Something I've only just started to realize is people come and go out of your life all the time but that doesn't mean they dont deserve a chance. I shouldn't always have everyone come to me to be friends I should be trying to make friends myself, it's really shitty to feel like I never have to be the one to approach someone. I really shouldn't be pissy of someone doesn't want to be friends with me that I really want to be friends with. I've seriously been emotionally abusive to people whom I've really wanted to be good friends with but just didn't feel the same. I feel horrible for it.

I can't take back the horrible things I've done but I will move forward and be better towards people in general.

Tldr: I never felt like my parents wanted me in the past, so I never felt like anyone would want me so I was always emotionally abusive to a lot of people cause I never felt like they'd like me if I tried being nice anyway. I wanna stop this and mend the relationships I do have and hopefully be able to make new ones. Idk where I go from here or how I do that but I'm aware of my actions now at least.

I could go on and on but this is already a FUCKING MESS OF EMOTION and this is just a gist. I really didn't want to blame my pare nets for the way I am cause it's not their fault. I could have sought out ways to deal with it myself but I always felt like they had an obligation to somehow even though I've never really expressed this resentment to them. Another thing I'm working on is expressing my feelings and not being afraid that people will just dismiss them. I just make sure I tell someone who listens to me. I hope I'll be able to afford help really soon as well cause I've also come to terms that dealing with feelings on my own is stupid even though i know i can do it.

[datingadviceonreddit]

DEAR GOD GET READY FOR THIS LONG ASS SHIT STORM OF A STORY. TLDR. Does this go in r/Relationship? If you find yourself reading this, I am a girl who is in desperate need of help so I can fucking stop thinking about this crap and move on -_- Please give me your thoughts on the fucking situation that is driving me and my friends insane.DISCLAIMER: I curse a lot, and I am up to HERE raises hand up to neptune with the stress this shit has caused me. So disregard me as I release some pent up rage.OKAY. I believe both of us are in the same looks league so I won't even comment on that.Player 1: Guy, 29, caucasian, raised in southern GA. Let's call him Bill (no his name is not Bill). A musician. Omnivert, into videogames. Pisces. Bill has been single for 3 years and basically abstinent lol. NOT RELIGIOUS AT ALL. He has also been EVER SO SLOWLY healing and coming out of a depression of sorts. He also has minor anxiety issues. He has VERY high standards for almost everything, and loves 80's things.Player 2: Me, Girl, 24, caucasian hispanic, raised in Miami, FL. We'll call me Bitch becau- no... We'll call me Bear, because why the fuck not. A filmmaker/photographer. Omnivert, into videogames. Libra. I have always hung out with people older than me because I don't get along with the millenials my age -_- the're all focusing on partying while I'm trying to move forward with my career. Also I have been abused by several men (which scars to bear [get it]) so I'm very verbally forward with dudes about how I feel, but I also have mega anxiety for physical proximity.Setting: Atlanta, GAISSUE: Does my best friend like me? It's not issue if he does, BUT I just NEED to know. We have minor history and he has said no when I've asked but THE FUCKING WORLD tells me otherwise. Also, my gut tells me otherwise (sometimes), and I have no idea if I should be trying to get my flirt on or just leaving the poor kid alone because he hates me or something.Late 2015: We meet for a film project and I have this innate magnetic feeling towards him to be his friend. JUST FRIEND. Nothing more. We work on the film project and you know, it's cool. We good. We chill. Nothing interesting, nothing to see. Player 1: Single Player 2: Married in on/off state (private)Early 2016: We start hanging out WAY more. Like WAY more. And we become besties and work together on every project ever. Its' the best female/male bromance I ever did saw. Both gamers, both omniverts, both into adventures, both low self esteem, both idiots. IT'S WONDERFUL I TELL YOU. This time period bleeds into summer time too. Player 1: Single Player 2: My marriage finally collapses and we finally have the balls to separate publicly. Bill helps me a lot through this whole process.late Spring/Summer 2016: BEST. OF. FUCKING. FRIENDS. We hang out all the time and at this point everyone asks us if we're together. We get told what a cute couple we are (we deny all claims though). He calls me after work everyday and we sometimes fall asleep talking to each other. Equal conversation. His family tells me that "he's the happiest I've seen him in a long time". His sister calls me his "girlfriend not girlfriend". And I am totally okay with that because... I'm starting to like the guy. And I have slept in this dudes bed like 3-5 times at this point and we have not cuddles once. I have major anxiety for sleeping his bed because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do if he wants me to make any moves. Also, we promise each other to be honesty buddies for life. Also also, He goes to daytona for a weekend and then says he has no one to hang out with so... I got flight benefits, you want me to come? "Sure, why not". SO I fly there and we have a blasty blast. There's also this moment that we're out drinking and we go for a walk and this homeless guy approaches him for money, Bill tells him nah, then the homeless guy starts walking towards me and Bill steps inbetween me and the homeless guy (who is not even close) and he says "No, you don't need to talk to her, you talk to me" (fucking fell so hard deeper than I already was, right then and there) Player 1: Single Player 2: SingleDRAGON CON 2016: He goes out of his way to go buy my eyelash glue, literally OUT OF HIS WAY. Then at the con he eats a tootsie roll drug thing (I am a newb when it comes to that shit) and he's tripping. We hold hands the entire time (relationship hold, not "let's cross the street" hold). At one point he jumps in bed and opens his arms out to me to invite me to cuddle, and god damnit I fucking accept. So we cuddle in front of the majority of his friends. We take an uber to a far away restaurant and just lay on each other the whole time. Then we go to my place and go to bed and don't cuddle sadness. That was saturday night into sunday morning.SEPTEMBER 2016: The week after Dragon Con we barely talked. Then I fly somewhere for something and when I'm flying back he texts me that he doesn't want to ruin our friendship because of his feelings of loneliness. And I'm like WOAH BRO, YOU WON'T RUIN ANYTHING. WANNA TALK IN PERSON? NEED HUGS? And he's like Come over and jump in bed, lets cuddle (or w.e. the fuck he said, the jump into bed part is accurate though). SO. My plane lands and I fucking take a FORTY FUCKING FUCK FACE DOLLAR uber to his house. I go to his room and jump in bed and we had the most AWKWARD cuddle in the fucking world. Why? Because part of me did not want to cuddle him because I was so fucking confused. And then because he was no longer drunk -_- (fuck you Bill... fuck. you.) Later that day he is very angry. And I mean, VERY. ANGRY. We got out and eat food, his friend ends up being our waiter and asks if I'm his girlfriend and he very aggressively says "no". And then after that day he stopped talking to me. HE JUST STOPS. Motherfucking Bill does not talk to me at all. I then get him to respond to me and he says he doesn't want to be friends anymore and he needs a break from "all this" (WHAT THE FUCKFACE IS "ALL THIS?!?!"). So I try to give him space but HOLY SHIT WE WERE JUST BEST FRIENDS AND NOW I AM SO FUCK NUGGET CONFUSED WHAT THE BITCH MADE FUCK?????? So I ask for a solid reason as to why it's happening and I could not get a solid answer. At all. To this day, I'm still not sure what the fuck that was. But anywho, he says he doesn't know if he'll ever want to be my friend BUT if there's an emergency and I ever need him, that he'd be there for me.FAST THE FUCK FORWARD to the week before my Birthday party (oct 1). It's friday, it's late, like 11pm late. I go outside for a phonecall and my phone starts dying. I walk back to my apartment door and it's locked. I call my roommates, no answer. (I later find out that my roommates had left and locked me out). So I have no keys, no wallet, a dying phone, and it's late on a friday night. WHADOIDO?!?! I start calling people to see if they can pick me up so I can crash with them. LITERALLY NO ONE CAN. I get to the point of using tinder and asking my ex. But before I go that route I'm like... you know what, Bill said he would be there for me if I really needed, I'm calling him (i knew he would not want me to have resorted to my ex so I thought this was logical). I call his beautiful ass up (and I mean beautiful) and his friend answers (oh so it IS just me that you needed a break from you dick twat). I explain the situation to his friend (lets call him Matt). Matt: "Oh yeah, we'll come get you!" "Check with Bill first, I don't think he'll be cool with it" Matt: "What? Ofcourse he'll be cool with it" "Wanna bet?" Matt: "Two dollars says he says yes" "Done. Now ask him" Matt asks Bill Bill: "Yeah, no. Not in the mood" (or w.e. his bitch ass said) Matt: "Bear, I am so sorry. I'm surprised. Good luck with your situation" "Yeah... thanks" And so I resort to tinder and ex -_- then end up sleeping at my community pool until the next day when my roommates get back. NEXT WEEK: I tell this mother fucker Bill that we need to talk. He calls me and says he doesn't want to talk to me and hes angry about it. And I tell him in the nicest way possible "fuck you". And I explain to him what an asshat he is and that I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment from him and that HOW DARE he tell me he'd be there for me and then he's just not. Fuck. You. Bill. And he fuckign apologized 0_0 and said I'm right. And then I told him he could come to my birthday party if he wanted to, and that I would like him to and he said that he didn't know but he'd try. BIRTHDAY PARTY: He showed up with his brother and sister and friends. All in one car. It was so nice seeing him again and knowing we were okay. God. what a fucking relief he was done being a dumb ass.Have you made it this far? Take a break, pat yourself on the back, go grab some hydration. Thank you and I fucking love you you stranger. Player 1: Single Player 2: SingleLATE 2016: We start hanging out slowly, I take piano lessons with him because I want to and because it's a good way to reintroduce hanging out. I then meet someone that I actually have an interest for. Cool regular dude but the fact that I kinda like this guy is like "oh, I might pursue this". SO before making any moves, I ask Bill: Bear: "Hey, do you like me?" Bill: "What! Like romantically?" Bear: Yeah Bill: laughs uh NO. Bear: Yeah I was just checking, because, people have told me you do. Bill: Yeah no. Who? ----- I felt so fucking humiliated because of how he handled saying no. It was like he thought it was embarrassing to even think that he could like someone like me :( SO lower self esteem and now a fucking challenge to get over my feelings for Bill, I get into a relationship with random guy who we'll call... Homer. Homer and I end up dating for a while, Bill is ALL FOR IT. Says I need someone Homer him right now. So i fucking go for it dude. Like, full commitment dawg. I'm talking real intimate planning homie. And BOY DID THAT BACKFIRE. Player 1: Single Player 2: Single -> begins datingEARLY 2017: I eat furbies. Just kidding, making sure that you're still awake :D So me and Homer are living together per his request (SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT). And I cannot be myself around him because I'm high energy and he's like "you're too much" (fuck your dick ass face you bitch haired mother fucker). So I go crying to Bill who is now my freindtherapist and tell him that I cannot be myself with Homer and it's fucking killing me. Now Bill is like, oh nah, that dude right here brah? He's garbage brah. Get rid of him brah. You can't be with dat brah. (more or less) But I can't break up with Homer because if I do then I have to face my feelings of wanting to be with Bill and that is just WAY TOO MUCH FOR ME TO DEAL WITH AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relationshipSUMMER 2017: Homer and I are not doing too hot, at all. It's become apparent to many folks. But anywho. SO there's this event yeah. Where I'm presenting an award yeah. And I put on an amazingly sexy gorgeous dress yeah. And I invite Bill and my newest friend Keaton to attend the event with me since Homer will be out of town. Keaton is Homer's bestest friend (key info for the test at the end guys)(...just kidding)(this wont be on the test)(...just kidding, there is no test). So I look fucking fabulous. I mean... fucking. fabulous. Like, even my low self esteem was like DAY-UM BITCH. I asked Bill and Keaton if I looked good and Keaton responds with "Yeah you look great" and Bill just nods and he's like "yeah" (YOU SON OF A BITCH). So we go on our way to the event. At the event I get Kanye'd because why not hire a drunk host :D so I'm ultra bummed out and the 3 of us go downstairs to drank my sorrows away. Then I find out that the film I produced one an award and I wasn't there. FUCK.MY.LIFE. so then i'm like LETS GO TO THE BAR BOYS. But before that I have a "cry on shoulder moment" with Bill. SO, we call uber to go to bars and WELL YOU SEE... I WAS WEARING A BEAUTIFUL WHITE DRESS... SO... THE UBER DRIVER THOUGHT I HAD JUST GOTTEN MARRIED. To who? To Bill -_- (FFUUUUUUHHHH) And what does Keaton do when the driver starts asking questions? Driver: Woah, did ya'll just get married? Keaton: YES! MY TWO BEST BUDS, BILL AND BEAR, MADE THE LEAP! At this point, Bill and I look at each other and are like N-NNO-N-N-NO-NO-NO-NO, but Keaton is SO FUCKING LOUD, he overpowers us and eventually we just go with it. SO we start giving made up details and calling each other "babe" and "sweetie" and gay ass shit like that. We get to the bars and low and behold, we find out you can drink free by having just been married... so naturally WE MILK THIS SHIT OUT OF IT. We move our rings to the married side and he has his hand on my waist, holds my hand at one point. Gives me a back massage. My god, it's fucking great. And eventually we go home. Keaton loses his phone in the uber home and so when Bill and I go back to my place, we're trying to get n contact with the uber driver. So we're just chatting and Bill is about to leave so we hug good bye. As we hug... I have no idea why... but... I grow the biggest pair of balls... and say... Bear: Want to know something weird? Bill: Suuuure Bear: I have feelings for you Bill: silent I pull away from hug Bear: But you probably already knew that Bill smiles and he nods and he's like "yeah" and so we talk about it all. And here are the key take aways from everything he said: "I'm not going to lie, I've wanted to make out with you several times" "Tonight felt... natural. It was just so easy for us to be that way. It was comfortable" "Well you have a boyfriend so...." And eventually he goes home and we decide to talk about it sober.SOBER TALK #1 He tells me he has no feelings for me, that he cares about me as a friend and nothing more. He also tells me that everytime he was interested in me is because he was lonely. (oh Bill... YOU SACK OF SHEEP SHIT) And so I take all that in and let it process over the weekend. I then write him an email. Yes. A fucking email. Because I suck at communicating on the spot. And in this email I tell him MANY THINGS, one being "fuck you for using me" and the other being "I don't believe that you don't have any ounce of feelings for me, because you could have picked any girl but you chose me. (SIDENOTE, BILL IS VERY BEAUTIFUL AND CONSTANTLY HAS GIRLS WANTING HIM). So I email his ass and he reads it and we decide to have a second talk.SOBER TALK #2 He apologizes for using me and having led me on and that he'll be more careful with our friendship. And we completely skipped over the topic of him having any slight possible feelings for me or if he might ever. What evs. I'm so done with it all at that point (or was I?) Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relationshipDRAGON CON 2017: SO Homer gets obliteratingly drunk and violently pushes me (not the first time he got aggressive). But check this out. He pushed me, in front of the crew, including Bill. According to witnesses, both my feet went in the air. There was like a 3 second pause of silence and Bill fucking pushes Homer's ass out the hotel room and slams the door in his face. He then asks me if I'm okay and he is fucking LIVID BRO. I have never seen him in such a rage before O_O Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relatonshipFALL 2017: So dragon con drama dies down and I can no longer talk to Bill about my issues with Homer (yes I stayed with him) because Bill is fucking annoyed at me for staying with him. He thinks I'm dumb for staying (he's not wrong). So I find a new friendtherapist. Anywho, we continue our vague friendship where I feel like I have to hold back because what if I flirt with him, it'll make him uncomfortable and I don't want that. So now I feel like I can't be my full self around Billy Boy. Eventually I have my business trip to California with Homer BUT I break up with him the week before -_- so I'm not stuck on a trip with my ex. WONDERFUL. But when I told Bill, he was very happy for me and was proud I hadn't done anything stupid. Eventually Homer invites me to go to a Legend of Zelda Symphony of the Goddesses tour and I'm like FUCK.YES.DAWG. and he has two extra tickets so I invite Bill and his brother. When stranger Things 2 came out, we binge watched it friday night and saturday night. And that weekend was just so great. We just netflix and actually chilled And later when we talked about the weekend he told me "that is one of the nicest weekends I've had in a long time." CUZ WE'RE GOOD TOGETHER YOU TURD DICKZELDA SMYPHONY 2017: So Homer and I get there (I still live at his place with Keaton, I just sleep on the couch) and Bill is DRUNK. He invites me to his hair cut appointment the next day (we have the same hair dresser) and He starts talking to me about his weekend plans (which include a funeral and us watching Justice league together on Monday) and then how Monday me and him have our date. My face is like huwah? And he repeats it "yeah, we have our date!" buwuh? and I'm just like OO OH-KAY, YES. YES WE DO SIR. Concert starts, we watch the show, he keeps drinking. At this point I've never seen him this drunk before (it was quite amazing). After the show, I have to use the bathroom like the basic bitch I am. Bill says he's going to go look for his brother and homer who have disappeared. When I walk out I see him waiting for me in a corner and I'm like "what are you doing??" ANd he's like " I've been waiting for you this whole time. All these dudes were waiting for their girlfriends, one at a time they start leaving, and here I am waitng for you, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG" and all I did was laugh because he's fucking hilarious drunk. I end up going home with Bill and his bro because I don't want to sleep on the couch and now that I'm single, I can sleep in Bill's bed again. SO, we're in the car and here's the conversation. Bill: Wow, I'm surprised at how well that went. Homer was very pleasant towards me. Brother: Why wouldn't he be pleasant towards you? Bear: Well- Bill: Oh, he's jealous of me and hers relationship. Bear: O_O HOMER WAS NEVER AT ANY POINT JEALOUS OF ME AND BILL. In fact, Homer LOVED Bill and always wanted me to invite him to places and he wanted to hang out from him and learn music from him. So that was just a lie .. Anywho, we go home and I sleep in this dudes bed and LET ME TELL YOU THE ANXIETY WAS SO FUCKING REAL. He has NEVER slept that close to me EVER. I could feel his arm and knee on my shoulder and leg (no boners guys, sorry :/ ). And I had no idea if I should try cuddling him or not because what if he's just drunk and doesn't realize it OR he's sober and just DOES NOT want that weird comfortableness of cuddling someone you're not into. So I do nothing except stay awake in anxiety till he wakes up the next day. And the only thing he says about the night before is "Man, I felt like I could take over the world last night, like nothing was in my way" and that was that.Monday: He invites his brother -_-THANKSGIVING 2017 (one week later): So I'm kind of sort of co-hosting with him but not really but I promised him I'd help with cleaning up and I'd bring mega food. By this point, we have a trip to NY planned (Mid January) and paid for...for... THE FUCKING FINAL FANTASY DISTANT WORLDS SYMPHONY AT CARNEGIE HALL, OH MY FUCK. We're talking about our plans (he invited his friend [guy, we'll call him Ron] so it was no longer going to be a potentially romantic trip sadness) and Bill says "Hey, let me know if you two want to go matching!" Ron is like "uhhh... no" as any normal guy would respond to that weird ass request. And then I say "uhm... Yeah sure." BECAUSE WHY NOT BEAR! WHY THE FUCK NUGGETS NOT. Bill and I go to his room later to look at his suit and see what I'm working with. And he says "If you find something else then I can try to find a different color shirt or tie". So we're fucking matching dude. Also, he play flirted with me for the FIRST TIME ever. Like Keaton noticed it too. Bill looked me directly in the eye.And now I'm here, visiting family in Miami, writing this fucking post because I'm so gay for this dude it's stupid. And I have been dress shopping and sending him the options and he is still going with us matching. ANYWHO here's where you the reader comes in...Answer these questions please and thankses: 1) DO YOU THINK HE'S INTO ME? 2) Should I ask him if he wants to kiss... 30 seconds before new years eve? 3) Should I try anything in NY? 4) Should I shut the fuck up, calm down and just fucking stop? 5) Should I just give up in him and I? If so, HOOOOWWWW??I REALLY don't want to make him uncomfortable but damn I can't keep holding back with this mystery. It's horrible. But he also seems like he's making sure we're not alone at any point in time... which I have no idea how to interpret.KEY FACTS: - Yes I feel that he is into me, SOMETIMES. Not always. But I get that urgle gurgle feeling from him sometimes. - He still does cute things like buy me my favorite junk food at the gas station. - We have NEVER kissed - We get each other on some surreal ass level, it's weird. - Yes we are idiots - Yes this is a TLDRIf you actually read everything... YOU'RE AMAZING AND THANK YOU!! If you didn't... Then good for you for not wasting your time! via /r/dating_advice