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titus-androgynous-87 · 1 year ago

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I am baffled that this fucking crusty ass rat lookin white boy named fucking WILDER isn’t the worst one on Couple to Throuple

I hated him the moment I laid eyes on him. I hated his fucking rat face. I hated his bottle blonde mullet. I hated his crusty mustache. And when his partner Corey started talking about him having crossed boundaries before, I -really- hated him

I’m only on episode 6 or 7 I think, and he has actually surprised me. He and their additional partner, Denyse, have been really good about taking things at Corey’s pace. And making sure to reassure Corey that going slow and setting boundaries isn’t ruining their dynamic

Wilder actually said, out loud “You not voicing your concerns WILL ruin the night, because then you’ll be uncomfortable and we won’t know. That’s how boundaries get crossed”

Wilder and Corey are also the only couple who have stuck with the same partner through the entire process. All the other couples have swapped at least once. Which is fine, and the point of the show. But it feels really superficial and gross when the couples talk about their temporary partners like they are objects for their pleasure and convenience.

Wilder and Corey at least seem to understand that polyamory goes beyond the physical. Though I do giggle because it seems like Denyse is way more into Corey than Wilder. And Corey is way more into Denyse. And Wilder seems content being their third wheel

Real “this is my girlfriend, Corey, and her girlfriend, Denyse” energy. But they seem to understand that polyamorous relationships, especially closed triads like this, don’t have to be 100% equitable all the time. People are naturally going to have deeper connections with some folks and not others. Doesn’t mean they don’t all care for one another. Nobody can post anything on SM until after the reunion, which is understandable. But I’d be interested to know if they’re still a triad (closed or open) or if they’ve all gone their separate ways

I’m really just here for Maximo and Ash at this point, because they’re the queer energy this show needs. And you could instantly see how relaxed the singles were around both of them

Both are non-binary, pan, and have experience with polyamory, though individually and not as a couple (which is how I think this show should have been structured to begin with)

They’re messy and silly and a touch toxic, but who isn’t on this show?

The ones I -really- fucking despise are the swinger couple looking to just have threesomes

Fucking humiliating their additional partners for not wanting to immediately get physically intimate, let alone fuck, within the first hour of meeting. Treating additional partners like playthings to be shelved when they’re bored and picked back up at their convenience. Mocking additional partners for setting boundaries and voicing concerns. Mocking additional partners for having feelings and thoughts and hopes and dreams. The, frankly, disgusting dynamic of centering Dylan as the UltraSigmaAlphaBro with two women hanging off him. I hope his dick falls off from all the steroids. And his wife Lauren is no better

They never should have been cast

Ashmal and Rehman are MESSY. And totally using their partner Johnathan to triangulate their pre-existing issues. These two need locked in a room until they actually discuss their issues

Ashmal has never taken Rehman to meet his family. Hasn’t spoken with his family about Rehman, nothing. And they keep bringing thirds in to ignore the real problems

Messy, under the covers handjobs don’t solve rifts in your relationship, yall. A two legged table cannot stand

And I have no fucking clue why Brittne and Sean are here. They don’t seem into each other, let alone an additional partner. They’re constantly running away from criticisms and difficult discussions. They ignore their partners and shut down their concerns. Brittne made it absolutely clear she is to be the queen bee of the group, to be catered to

Which isn’t how a healthy duo works. Let alone a triad

Idk this show has a LOT of flaws. But if they do a second season, I think the singles should have all the agency and focus, not the couples. Gimme a group of like 15 poly/pan/fluid folks and let me watch them form their own polycules

Because if I have to listen to another straight man giggle about threesomes, I’m gonna go into my back yard and eat dirt until the rage stops

I really wish Becca, one of the more prominent singles, had warned the rest of the group about Dylan and Lauren just looking to be swingers. That would have added so much more interest for me

Like how are the singles going to approach them about their toxic and gross behavior? Will the couple grow and learn and change when confronted with this? (No but we’d have fun watching them flounder and cry that no one wants to fuck them, let alone go home with them)

#it’s so fucking tragic #but I can’t stop watching #Couple to Throuple #peacock

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jtownraindancer · 2 years ago

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hello! i would LOVE to watch jamestown but am a little apprehensive because of possible triggers? so i thought i'd ask! is there anything i should watch out for? in the vein of like... sexual assault, hate crimes (tho this is a given bc period piece but like. how violent would it get?), and frequency of character death? thank you!

Hello Anon!

Absolutely a fair question, and one I'm very happy to answer! I'll address each of these one-by-one, and if there are any other possible triggers you're wondering about, please feel free to ask~

This is going to spoil some of the show, so I'm putting my full reply below the cut.

Sexual Assault:

Right off the top of my head, there is one very distinct instance of sexual assault, right in the beginnings of Season 1 (may even be Episode 1 if memory serves). The rape itself is not graphic- there's a build up, but the scene ends before anything is actually shown. However! The attack is a defining moment for quite a few of the main cast- relationships are formed based on reactions to it (all resoundingly in the victim's corner!), and it is mentioned off-and-on again throughout the series.

Hate Crimes:

I don't… I can't quite say there are many hate crimes as we would know them, but some general things to look out for…

There is a very tentative relationship between the Colonists & the Pamunkey Tribe, a tension which builds up into the final episode where a lot of characters are killed on screen- mostly background. (Season 3 was arguably the most graphic of the lot, starting with the private execution of an alleged "traitor" to the governor.)

The slave trade hangs heavily over the series starting at the end of Season 1, an introduction that tastes even more bitter when it's discovered that they were acquired illegally (and against the wishes of a majority of the colonists). I… I have much I'd like to say about it, but to do so would spoil a lot of plot points later. I will say however that there's nothing particularly graphic in this end (and Pedro and Marie alone are worth watching the show for!)

For queerphobia, there… wasn't much? The most that comes of it are a few instances where Thomas & Jocelyn both make jabs at Nicholas for his 'tastes,' though in the end it's clear they both really do care for him. Also in regards to an intersex character, the only fault found in her is the deception that allowed him to come to Jamestown to begin with. There's also the strong implication that not only does another character remain open-minded about folks pursuing certain 'bedfellows,' but the possibility that he himself may be queer. (Kind of a blink-and-you-miss-it moment, but definitely there.)

Religion-wise, there is definitely a period-accurate bias towards Protestantism (and a hatred/suspicion of Catholics which will come up several times), and references are made about wanting to "convert" the indigenous population, but that's about the extent of it? Some characters do use ''Christianity'' as a cover, but uh… Spoilers on that end. Put succinctly… In spite of a period-accurate lean towards Protestantism, there are still a few characters who definitely are not of the same mind. In the main cast alone, I can think of at least three Jamestown residents who stand apart from the others in terms of spirituality (or lack thereof).

Violence:

While there's not a lot of gore in this show, there are certain scenes that can seem gruesome in the context. As I found this show through PBS, I wasn't expecting a lot of gore itself, but the implications involved, and the very rare, rare moments where things are actually shown, carry enough weight on their own. (There is one scene that comes to mind with a smuggler and some molten metal, but I couldn't seem to look away; Farlow was fucking terrifying. 💀)

Character Death:

Some great news! Most of the characters survive this series!

Bad news! The characters who do leave will probably hurt!

Would like to again offer a warning for the finale of Season 3, which leads into the very real beginnings of the Indian Massacre of 1622, a slaughter that took out nearly 1/4 of the Virginian colonists. The show does not get graphic, but the implications, and the brief hints we're shown on screen do plenty of damage.

Overall:

There were quite a few liberties taken with this show, and at times it feels vaguely soap opera-esque in the writing choices. But overall I did enjoy this one, and I would recommend it! Even if you decide to watch just for Alice, Verity, and Jocelyn, I would still ask you to give it a try because there are so many interesting characters to meet in this series, and it does offer a decent (if over-exaggerated) glimpse into life in Jamestown.

If you're still interested in giving Jamestown a whirl, I hope you enjoy it! (And please feel free to scream in my inbox and/or DMs about it.)

Thanks for the ask friend; I hope this helped, and if not, please don't hesitate to reach out. Love and light!

#jamestown #anon asks #hello friend!#trigger warnings #i uh... i'm not sure how to tag this tbh #spoilers #???#tw sex assault #tw slavery #tw queerphobia #tw violence #on a personal note? as a sa survivor i wasn't triggered so much by the actual scene & i felt a VERY strong connection to the victim #because of how she continued to confront it for years after the fact & always carried it with her #there's a hint of a modern day lean in that the contemptible characters are painted as such and it's NOT shied away from #nicholas' swan song was giving voice to words that countless others were dying to spit but didn't have the leave to #i think i'm going to rewatch this again tbh #it's only 24 episodes #another series i would have eventually watched no matter who was in the cast #burn being there is just an added bonus #fr tho anon if you'd like further clarification on anything or would prefer something more specific please let me know <3 #thanks for the ask!

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alexissara · 2 years ago

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Who Do You Make Art For?

[Art by Tamra Bonvillain from our comic Play Of The Game from We're Still Here]

The modern landscape for the arts is not exactly great, every form of art is seeing further and further troubling developments from corporate giants who wish to raise the profit margins. In these stressful times I think it's important to reflect on our craft and ask, who is this for?

When I saw who is this for I don't mind your target demographic or how big you want it to be. I think most artists would love to be part of a project that is so big they could only make art that they want to. I am asking who that art is for, who are the people you really want to speak to? It's easy to get caught up on the business ends of our craft, hell I mostly post to tumblr because I want engagement to sell my projects later. So I think we should step back, take a breath and think about what it is we really crave in our pieces.

For me, who I am making the art for in particular shifts depending on the project I am making but I always have a few core goals that are the same. I want to reach queer people of some kind and make them feel seen. For me, art I made wasn't worth making if it didn't make some queer folks happy. Then the other important factor is obviously making art for me, I want to make art that I would love and enjoy. I hate so many things, a lot my favorite things I give faint praise to because for me the flaws are obvious, we could have so much better. So, I want to make art that when I see it I don't think that it could be more radical or queerer or whatever, that it was what it should have been to tell it's story.

Now let's talk about all my little individual project's I've worked on over the years.

With Wish, my first comic book that I self published and took debt into making sure the artist was paid properly for, I wanted trans fem folks like me to see it and feel like they could be super. Wish was a story I had been writing for years, I had maybe 100 issues in google docs by the time the first [and only] part released. Over that time I went from "for sure cis but I just feel the alure of womanhood, it looms over me, it calls me like a siren, it tempts me like a dark enchantress but I shall resist" to "Sure I guess I am gender fluid" to "I'm a trans woman" right around when I released it. So for me it was an important story to my own gender journey with the protag suddenly "becoming a girl" after dying to protect someone.

With Puerto Rico Strong I wanted to have a queer story inside the anthology. So I told a personal story about my own gender, sexuality and my relationship to the island. I wanted other lesbian and trans Puerto Ricans in particular to feel like there was a story about them here too. I made it more fantastical but it was a clear message through the imagery. I was glad I did too because when I read the final product I was the only one really telling a story about queerness and I think that the anthology needed it to really represent Puerto Rico.

In Deadbeats Anthology, I wanted to make transbians feel seen in particular. Horror has often left trans women as the villains, so I leaned in, a happy story of queer love featuring a transbian and a demon possessing the body of her main tormentor. The woman learning to stand up for herself and cut out terrible people from her lives as she burns her past to the ground and leaves on a new life with new love. Trans Lesbians don't get to angry enough, we need to be respectable, acceptable, we can't just bad mad and this was an anger story, something for us to feel like, fuck ya, fuck them.

Last, but in no way least from what I want to talk about today is The Matriarch playbook inside of Thirsty Sword Lesbians. For me, queer parents in general are such a huge part of my life. From my own relationship to motherhood to all the non binary moms who have given me amazing friendships to the sapphic moms that have brought light into my life. I wanted the playbook to be for everyone, obviously, in fact, I think this is the kind of playbook that can be too real for some queer parents to play. However, I wanted it to be a venue where people felt seen, like they were being reflected in the queer culture and that their experiences were worthy of being main characters, not just people on the side waving off the hero. We get so many gay parent characters with no depth or adventures from long ago they no longer go on. I wanted to say, hey you deserve adventures.

Obviously, I've worked on plenty of other projects, To Change, Hero Too, We're Still Here and lots of more. Maybe I'll talk about them in the future, I for sure have tons of words about creating Love Beyond The Holy Light I would love to write out but for now, this is it. Remember the questions up on top of this, I really would love to hear the answers to these question, so go ahead and like, reply with them or reblog with them or whatever it is your into these days.

All my posts are funded by fantastic people giving me money on https://www.patreon.com/alexissara or also like Ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/alexiss, thank you to everyone who has my back with money. I strive to keep making amazing sapphic art.

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ladyofasoiaf · 5 years ago

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Jon ‘One Eye’ & Sansa Stark

In this meta I will try to point out the clues of Jon’s death- warging into his direwolf- coming back to life process.

Our main hint is going to be : ONE EYE motifs...

And interestingly this hint is always close to Sansa...

[Most of these clues etc have been already examined by many people but I will try to put them all in order to show the pattern..]

A GAME OF THRONES:

Waymar Royce

Waymar Royce appearence and story are very similar with Jon’s.

They look similar:

Ser Waymar Royce was the youngest son of an ancient house with too many heirs. He was a handsome youth of eighteen, grey-eyed and graceful and slender as a knife.

[AGOT; Prologue]

Jon’s eyes were a grey so dark they seemed almost black, but there was little they did not see. He was of an age with Robb, but they did not look alike. Jon was slender where Robb was muscular, dark where Robb was fair, graceful and quick where his half brother was strong and fast.

[AGOT; Bran I]

They are both young men of Night’s Watch but they were not very welcomed by their other black brothers:

His cloak was his crowning glory; sable, thick and black and soft as sin. “Bet he killed them all himself, he did,” Gared told the barracks over wine, “twisted their little heads off, our mighty warrior.” They had all shared the laugh. It is hard to take orders from a man you laughed at in your cups, Will reflected as he sat shivering atop his garron. Gared must have felt the same.

[AGOT; Prologue]

“Yes, life,” Noye said. “A long life or a short one, it’s up to you, Snow. The road you’re walking, one of your brothers will slit your throat for you one night.” “They’re not my brothers,” Jon snapped. “They hate me because I’m better than they are.” “No. They hate you because you act like you’re better than they are. They look at you and see a castle-bred bastard who thinks he’s a lordling.” The armorer leaned close. “You’re no lordling. Remember that. You’re a Snow, not a Stark. You’re a bastard and a bully.”

[AGOT; Jon III]

Others are a very important part of Jon’s arc and story and Waymar meets with them in Prologue:

Ser Waymar met him bravely. “Dance with me then.” He lifted his sword high over his head, defiant. His hands trembled from the weight of it, or perhaps from the cold. Yet in that moment, Will thought, he was a boy no longer, but a man of the Night’s Watch.

[AGOT; Prologue]

This phrase also reminds us Jon:

It is more than impatience, Jon realized. They are afraid. Warriors, spearwives, raiders, they are frightened of those woods, of shadows moving through the trees. They want to put the Wall between them before the night descends.

A snowflake danced upon the air. Then another. Dance with me, Jon Snow, he thought. You’ll dance with me anon.

[ADWD; Jon XII]

In Prologue, Waymar gets killed by Others:

Royce’s body lay facedown in the snow, one arm out-flung. The thick sable cloak had been slashed in a dozen places. Lying dead like that, you saw how young he was. A boy.

[AGOT; Prologue]

And Jon dies in ADWD:

Jon fell to his knees. He found the dagger’s hilt and wrenched it free. In the cold night air the wound was smoking. “Ghost,” he whispered. Pain washed over him. Stick them with the pointy end. When the third dagger took him between the shoulder blades, he gave a grunt and fell face-first into the snow. He never felt the fourth knife. Only the cold …

[ADWD; Jon XIII]

But Waymar comes back to life as a wight with ‘ONE EYE’:

Will rose. Ser Waymar Royce stood over him. His fine clothes were a tatter, his face a ruin. A shard from his sword transfixed the blind white pupil of his left eye. The right eye was open. The pupil burned blue. It saw.

[AGOT; Prologue]

So: A young man of Night’s Watch who looks like Jon dies and comes back to life with ONE EYE.

Let’s continue with the second book...

A CLASH OF KINGS:

Orell

Orell is Wildling who is also a skinchanger. His animal is an EAGLE.

Jon kills Orell in ACOK; Jon VI:

Jon nodded toward the one by the fire. It felt queer, picking a man to kill.

[...]

Jon’s man leapt to his feet, thrusting at his face with a burning brand. He could feel the heat of the flames as he flinched back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the sleeper stirring, and knew he must finish his man quick. When the brand swung again, he bulled into it, swinging the bastard sword with both hands. The Valyrian steel sheared through leather, fur, wool, and flesh, but when the wildling fell he twisted, ripping the sword from Jon’s grasp.

[...]

“You ought to burn them you killed,” said Ygritte.

[ACOK; Jon VI]

But due to the magic of skinchanging, a portion of Orell’s consciousness remained in the eagle, which developed a fierce hatred for Jon.

And in ACOK; Jon VII he dreams of an eagle attacking him and people talk about vargs and skinchangers:

Then a sudden gust of cold made his fur stand up, and the air thrilled to the sound of wings. As he lifted his eyes to the ice-white mountain heights above, a shadow plummeted out of the sky. A shrill scream split the air. He glimpsed blue-grey pinions spread wide, shutting out the sun… “Ghost!” Jon shouted, sitting up. He could still feel the talons, the pain. “Ghost, to me!” Ebben appeared, grabbed him, shook him. “Quiet! You mean to bring the wildlings down on us? What’s wrong with you, boy?” “A dream,” said Jon feebly. “I was Ghost, I was on the edge of the mountain looking down on a frozen river, and something attacked me. A bird… an eagle, I think…”

[...]

“Skinchanger?” said Ebben grimly, looking at the Halfhand. Does he mean the eagle? Jon wondered. Or me? Skinchangers and wargs belonged in Old Nan’s stories, not in the world he had lived in all his life. Yet here, in this strange bleak wilderness of rock and ice, it was not hard to believe.

[ACOK; Jon VII]

So: There is a skinchanger who dies because of Jon but a part of him keeps living in his animal: eagle.

The interesting thing is that between these two Jon chapters (Orell and eagle dream) comes a very important Sansa chapter which has many parallels with Jon VI chapter...

An example of parallels:

[…] ‘All I ask is a flower,’ Bael answered, ‘the fairest flower that blooms in the gardens o’ Winterfell.”

“Now as it happened the winter roses had only then come into bloom, and no flower is so rare nor precious…

[ACOK; Jon VI]

Sansa lowered her head. “The blood frightened me.”

“The blood is the seal of your womanhood. Lady Catelyn might have prepared you. You’ve had your first flowering, no more.”

Sansa had never felt less flowery. “My lady mother told me, but I… I thought it would be different.”

[ACOK; Sansa IV]

For more, please check: Jonsa Book Hints: B5

In this chapter Sansa says she wants to be loved and Cersei warns her that “love kills too...” Next chapter is Jon with his eagle dreams and warging abilities:

A half smile flickered across the queen’s face. “[…]Robert wanted to be loved. My brother Tyrion has the same disease. Do you want to be loved, Sansa?”

“Everyone wants to be loved.”

“I see flowering hasn’t made you any brighter,” said Cersei. “Sansa, permit me to share a bit of womanly wisdom with you on this very special day. Love is poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same.”

[ACOK; Sansa IV]

Let’s move on to third book...

A STORM OF SWORDS:

Orell and Wargs

In ASOS; Jon I, we learn the name of the Wildling that Jon has killed in ACOK; Jon VI:

“He slew Qhorin Halfhand,” said Longspear Ryk. “Him and that wolf o’ his.”

“And did for Orell too,” said Rattleshirt.

“The lad’s a warg, or close enough,” put in Ragwyle, the big spearwife. “His wolf took a piece o’ Halfhand’s leg.”

[...]

“What’s this?” he said. “A crow?”

“The black bastard what gutted Orell,” said Rattleshirt, “and a bloody warg as well.”

“You were to kill them all.”

“This one come over,” explained Ygritte. “He slew Qhorin Halfhand with his own hand.”

[ASOS; Jon I]

This Jon chapter comes after ASOS; Sansa I.

And these chapters have many parallels such as:

Sansa knelt at the feet of her future queen. “You do me great honor, Your Grace.” “Won’t you call me Margaery? Please, rise. Loras, help the Lady Sansa to her feet. Might I call you Sansa?”

[ASOS; Sansa I]

“I would be pleased to eat, Your Grace. And thank you.”

“Your Grace?” The king smiled. “That’s not a style one often hears from the lips of the free folk. I’m Mance to most, The Mance to some. Will you take a horn of mead?”

[ASOS; Jon I]

For more, please check: Jonsa Book Hints: C1

We also learn about Sansa’s new betrothed: Willas Tyrell..

Willas has a bad leg and so does Jon, in ASOS:

“Willas has a bad leg but a good heart,” said Margaery. “He used to read to me when I was a little girl, and draw me pictures of the stars. You will love him as much as we do, Sansa.”

[ASOS; Sansa I]

If the mare had gone down, he would have been doomed. “A lucky thing my leg got in the way,” he muttered.

He rested for a while to let the horse graze. She did not wander far. That was good. Hobbled with a bad leg, he could never have caught her.

[ASOS; Jon V]

Let’s keep reading...

In ASOS; Jon II chapter Jon’s eagle dream from ACOK comes true and Orell’s eagle attacks Jon’s eye:

He could still hear wings, though the eagle was not in sight. Half his world was black. “My eye,” he said in sudden panic, raising a hand to his face.

“It’s only blood, Jon Snow. He missed the eye, just ripped your skin up some.”

[…]

Can a bird hate? Jon had slain the wilding Orell, but some part of the man remained within the eagle. The golden eyes looked out on him with cold malevolence.

[…]

I will need to get this tended, he thought, but not just now. Let the King-beyond-the-Wall see what his eagle did to me.

[…]

The look Mance gave Jon was grim and cold. “What happened to your face?”

Ygritte said, “Orell tried to take his eye out.”

“It was him I asked. Has he lost his tongue? Perhaps he should, to spare us further lies.”

Styr the Magnar drew a long knife. “The boy might see more clear with one eye, instead of two.”

“Would you like to keep your eye, Jon?” asked the King-beyond-the-Wall. “If so, tell me how many they were. And try and speak the truth this time, Bastard of Winterfell.”

Jon’s throat was dry. “My lord… what…”

[ASOS; Jon II]

Jon almosts loses his ‘one eye’ and becomes Jon ‘One Eye’ Snow because of this attack..

After this eagle attack Jon chapter comes ASOS; Sansa II

And these chapters have many parallels such as:

Jon wheeled and followed Tormund back toward the head of the column, his new cloak hanging heavy from his shoulders. It was made of unwashed sheepskins, worn fleece side in, as the wildlings suggested.

[…]

“I wear the cloak you gave me, Your Grace.”

[ASOS; Jon II]

A new gown?” she said, as wary as she was astonished.

“More lovely than any you have worn, my lady,” the old woman promised. She measured Sansa’s hips with a length of knotted string. “All silk and Myrish lace, with satin linings. You will be very beautiful. The queen herself has commanded it.”

“Which queen?” Margaery was not yet Joff’s queen, but she had been Renly’s. Or did she mean the Queen of Thorns? Or…“The Queen Regent, to be sure.”

[ASOS; Sansa II]

For more, please check: Jonsa Book Hints: C2

And after the chapter of an eagle attacks Jon’s eye we learn in next chapter that Sansa’s betrothed Willas Tyrell flies EAGLES:

“Willas has the best birds in the Seven Kingdoms,” Margaery said when the two of them were briefly alone. “He flies an eagle sometimes. You will see, Sansa.”

[ASOS; Sansa II]

Why is Almost One Eye Jon and Sansa Stark being near to each other important?

Because the first Sansa Stark in Stark family tree was married with her half-uncle Jonnel ‘One Eye’ Stark:

So another Sansa being close to another Stark family member who almost had lost his one eye sounds interesting.

Well, Jon didn’t lose his eye but his face got scarred:

He had almost forgotten about his face. “A skinchanger tried to rip out my eye.”

Noye frowned. “Scarred or smooth, it’s a face I thought I’d seen the last of. We heard you’d gone over to Mance Rayder.”

[ASOS; Jon VI]

Who else has a scarred face? Sansa’s husband- Tyrion Lannister:

“I like your scar.” She traced it with her finger. “It makes you look very fierce and strong.”

He laughed. “Very ugly, you mean.”

“M’lord will never be ugly in my eyes.” She kissed the scab that covered the ragged stub of his nose.

[ASOS; Tyrion II]

Varamyr

What happens to this eagle later?

Skinchanger, Varamyr Sixskins, takes control of Orell’s eagle. Varamyr uses the eagle to scout Castle Black and spots Stannis Baratheon’s arrival at the Wall.

The eagle bursts into flames during the attack on Castle Black with Melisandre claiming she was responsible.

The skinchanger was grey-faced, round-shouldered, and bald, a mouse of a man with a wolfling’s eyes. “Once a horse is broken to the saddle, any man can mount him,” he said in a soft voice. “Once a beast’s been joined to a man, any skinchanger can slip inside and ride him. Orell was withering inside his feathers, so I took the eagle for my own. But the joining works both ways, warg. Orell lives inside me now, whispering how much he hates you. And I can soar above the Wall, and see with eagle eyes.”

[...]

“Banners,” he heard Varamyr murmur, “I see golden banners, oh . . .” A mammoth lumbered by, trumpeting, a half-dozen bowmen in the wooden tower on its back. “The king . . . no . . .”

Then the skinchanger threw back his head and screamed.The sound was shocking, ear-piercing, thick with agony. Varamyr fell, writhing, and the ’cat was screaming too.... and high, high in the eastern sky, against the wall of cloud, Jon saw the eagle burning. For a heartbeat it flamed brighter than a star, wreathed in red and gold and orange, its wings beating wildly at the air as if it could fly from the pain. Higher it flew, and higher, and higher still.

[ASOS; Jon X]

Melisandre burns the eagle. Who else got burned in the books?

Jon Snow in AGOT:

He had burned himself more badly than he knew throwing the flaming drapes, and his right hand was swathed in silk halfway to the elbow. At the time he’d felt nothing; the agony had come after.

[AGOT; Jon VIII]

And Jon burns himself in AGOT; Jon VII:

Jon tried to shout, but his voice was gone. Staggering to his feet, he kicked the arm away and snatched the lamp from the Old Bear’s fingers. The flame flickered and almost died. “Burn!” the raven cawed. “Burn, burn, burn!”

Spinning, Jon saw the drapes he’d ripped from the window. He flung the lamp into the puddled cloth with both hands. Metal crunched, glass shattered, oil spewed, and the hangings went up in a great whoosh of flame. The heat of it on his face was sweeter than any kiss Jon had ever known. “Ghost!” he shouted.

The direwolf wrenched free and came to him as the wight struggled to rise, dark snakes spilling from the great wound in its belly. Jon plunged his hand into the flames, grabbed a fistful of the burning drapes, and whipped them at the dead man. Let it burn, he prayed as the cloth smothered the corpse, gods, please, please, let it burn.

[AGOT; Jon VII]

This Jon chapter comes after AGOT; Sansa IV:

And these two chapters have many parallels such as:

So she went to the queen instead, and poured out her heart, and Cersei had listened and thanked her sweetly … only then Ser Arys had escorted her to the high room in Maegor’s Holdfast and posted guards, and a few hours later, the fighting had begun outside.

[AGOT; Sansa IV]

They took his knife and his sword and told him he was not to leave his cell until the high officers met to decide what was to be done with him. And then they placed a guard outside his door to make certain he obeyed. His friends were not allowed to see him, but the Old Bear did relent and permit him Ghost, so he was not utterly alone.

[AGOT; Jon VII]

Yet somehow it seemed colder with Jeyne gone, even after she’d built a fire. She pulled a chair close to the hearth, took down one of her favorite books, and lost herself in the stories of Florian and Jonquil, of Lady Shella and the Rainbow Knight, of valiant Prince Aemon and his doomed love for his brother’s queen.

[AGOT; Sansa IV]

Yet he was trembling, violently. When had it gotten so cold?

[…] 

Metal crunched, glass shattered, oil spewed, and the hangings went up in a great whoosh of flame. The heat of it on his face was sweeter than any kiss Jon had ever known. “Ghost!” he shouted.

[AGOT; Jon VII]

For more, please check: Jonsa Book Hints: A10

What happens to skinchanger Orell and warg Varamyr after the eagle burst into flames?

The incident greatly affects Varamyr and supposedly kills the remnants of Orell inside the eagle.

After the defeat of the wildlings at the battle beneath the Wall, Varamyr has lost all his possessions in his madness from experiencing the eagle’s death; he has also lost control of his snow bear and shadowcat, but his wolves remain.

[Orell dying completely and Varamyr gets mad also reminds me another resurrected character Beric Dondarrion who also has ONE EYE and him dying for good to bring Catelyn Stark back to life... And like Varamyr, Lady Stoneheart loses her mind too... ]

Let’s move on to fourth book...

A FEAST FOR CROWS:

Jon is not even in this book?��

But Sansa is and we learn few things about her crushes:

Waymar Royce:

She had fallen wildly in love with Ser Waymar, she remembered dimly, but that was a lifetime ago, when she was a stupid little girl.

[AFFC; Alayne I]

Grrm reminds us Waymar Royce aka the biggest foreshadowing for Jon in AFFC book via Sansa’s chapter...

Loras Tyrell:

Loras was another crush of Sansa and we learn that he got burned really bad in AFFC.

Like the eagle and Jon.

“Tell me,” said Margaery. “I command it.” Command it? Cersei paused a moment, then decided she would let that pass. “The defenders fell back to an inner keep once the curtain wall was taken. Loras led the attack there as well. He was doused with boiling oil.” Lady Alla turned white as chalk, and ran from the room. “The maesters are doing all they can, Lord Waters assures me, but I fear your brother is too badly burned.”

[AFFC; Cersei VIII]

More about Loras // Jon, please check: Jonsa Book Hints: A8

Let’s keep reading the fifth book...

A DANCE WITH DRAGONS:

In ADWD; Prologue Varamyr encounters with Others (just like AGOT; Prologue) and Varamyr’s body dies, but his mind lives on in his wolf One Eye.

And Varamyr also thinks about Jon and his direwolf..

So we have dead warg who kept living in his animal: A WOLF whose name is ONE EYE.

Varamyr could feel the snowflakes melting on his brow. This is not so bad as burning. Let me sleep and never wake, let me begin my second life. His wolves were close now. He could feel them. He would leave this feeble flesh behind, become one with them, hunting the night and howling at the moon. The warg would become a true wolf. Which, though?

[...]

“They say you forget,” Haggon had told him, a few weeks before his own death. “When the man’s flesh dies, his spirit lives on inside the beast, but every day his memory fades, and the beast becomes a little less a warg, a little more a wolf, until nothing of the man is left and only the beast remains.”

Varamyr knew the truth of that. When he claimed the eagle that had been Orell’s, he could feel the other skinchanger raging at his presence. Orell had been slain by the turncloak crow Jon Snow, and his hate for his killer had been so strong that Varamyr found himself hating the beastling boy as well. He had known what Snow was the moment he saw that great white direwolf stalking silent at his side. One skinchanger can always sense another. Mance should have let me take the direwolf. There would be a second life worthy of a king. He could have done it, he did not doubt. The gift was strong in Snow, but the youth was untaught, still fighting his nature when he should have gloried in it.

[...]

A sleeping direwolf raised his head to snarl at empty air. Before their hearts could beat again he had passed on, searching for his own, for One Eye, Sly, and Stalker, for his pack. His wolves would save him, he told himself. That was his last thought as a man. True death came suddenly; he felt a shock of cold, as if he had been plunged into the icy waters of a frozen lake. Then he found himself rushing over moonlit snows with his packmates close behind him. Half the world was dark. One Eye, he knew. He bayed, and Sly and Stalker gave echo. When they reached the crest the wolves paused.

[...]

The things below moved, but did not live. One by one, they raised their heads toward the three wolves on the hill. The last to look was the thing that had been Thistle. She wore wool and fur and leather, and over that she wore a coat of hoarfrost that crackled when she moved and glistened in the moonlight. Pale pink icicles hung from her fingertips, ten long knives of frozen blood. And in the pits where her eyes had been, a pale blue light was flickering, lending her coarse features an eerie beauty they had never known in life. She sees me.

[ADWD; Prologue]

Jon dies in his last ADWD chapter and his last word was his direwolf’s name: GHOST...

[ADWD; Jon XIII]

So we have a full circle:

It started with Agot; Prologue

and ended with ADWD; Jon XIII

Let’s not forget that Jon’s death was foreshadowed in ASOS; Sansa VI chapter.

Lord Petyr dismissed him with a wave, and returned to the pomegranate again as Oswell shuffled down the steps. “Tell me, Alayne—which is more dangerous, the dagger brandished by an enemy, or the hidden one pressed to your back by someone you never even see?”

“The hidden dagger.”

“There’s a clever girl.” He smiled, his thin lips bright red from the pomegranate seeds.

[ASOS; Sansa VI]

Next chapter was Jon:

Fore more about Jon’s death and Sansa; please check:

Jonsa Book Hints: C12 & E7

“Do not be so certain.” The ruby at Melisandre’s throat gleamed red. “It is not the foes who curse you to your face that you must fear, but those who smile when you are looking and sharpen their knives when you turn your back. You would do well to keep your wolf close beside you. Ice, I see, and daggers in the dark. Blood frozen red and hard, and naked steel. It was very cold.”

“It is always cold on the Wall.”

“You think so?”

“I know so, my lady.”

“Then you know nothing, Jon Snow,” she whispered.

[ADWD; Jon I]

In conclusion:

Jon’s death, him warging into his direwolf during his death and him coming back to life arc has been foreshadowed since AGOT; Prologue and its most obvious hints were given in ADWD; Prologue by echoing AGOT; Prologue.

The ‘ONE EYE’ motif seems like a key hint for his resurrection.

And Sansa is always close to this motif or she has some connections with this motif via other characters or her chapters.

A Sansa Stark being close to another ‘ONE EYE’ Stark is interesting because of the historical couple: Jonnel ‘One Eye’ & Sansa Stark in Stark family tree..

Even the hints of Jon’s death can be found in Sansa chapters.

All of these tell us that Sansa will be important in Jon’s past resurrection story.

Thanks for reading.

Some sources:

Waymar // Jon

Disfigurements

Jonnel / Sansa

Jon’s fate and losing an eye

#jonsa #jon snow #varamyr #orell #jonnel one eye stark #sansa stark #agot #acok #asos #affc #adwd #actually jonsa #jon snow x sansa stark #waymar royce #one eye #meta #mine

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nightswithkookmin · 4 years ago

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Goldy I never thought I would reach out to any Jikook blog but after your last post I have to. I am an east asian american and trans. I have never spoken on this issue, commented or posted about this. I am a Jikook supporter but sometimes Jikook supporting blogs don't feel like the friendliest place. I want to thank you for changing my opinion on that. It is an insult to BTS to say Jikook don't know they seem gay or that they don't know what gay looks like. It is an insult to fans like me to say it would be OK to do the things they do if they were cisgendered straight men. I personally saw a few people say or dance around this and they got intimidated by big blogs for it. I would never name names because I beleive in free speech and the right of people to express themselves, as long as it isn't hate speech. Supporting lgbt people and making sure they don't feel endangered is MORE IMPORTANT THAN STANNING A KPOP BAND and I say this as a 4 year long bts and Jikook stan. So many people don't want to touch this issue and I understand why.

But thank you for supporting ACTUAL lgbt people as well as bts and showing stubborn people that BTS mean gay rights when they say gay rights.

I don't know why but this Ask made me cry...

I've been reading it over and over for the past two days and each time I feel humbled by it. Thanks so much for sharing this with me.

I think the era of the obsessed 'kids' and '13 year old shippers' in this space is coming to an end. I think it's time for a more nuanced mature conversation on what it means to ship and stan our faves in today's sociopolitical climate.

Let's intellectualize shipping and use it as a vehicle for social change not just pleasure. Sabotaging political hashtags is a start. Trending and donating to BLM is equally important. Fighting for gay rights and recognition is the next step and a natural progression from here- and about damn time!

Gone are the days where celebrities and idols were immune to accountability and personal responsibility. We live in a world where everyone is required to be converstant in and sensitive to social issues. Awareness is woven into our collective consciousness and for some of us we cannot divorce that from our pleasure receptors.

Hate to quote my pastor but, 'As a kid, I spoke, thought and reasoned like a kid. As I grew up, chilee darling, I put my ghetto ways aside. You feel me?' Lol. Yea, my pastor hood like that. Lol.

The fact of the matter is, BTS has a higher mature demographics now. Majority of us grew with them, if not past them. They are not seventeen anymore, Jin is almost thirty, the youngest in the group is past twenty three and majority of their fanbase are breaching Young Adult well into Adulthood and beyond.

We simply cannot view them with the same lens anymore. If we did, we would be infantilizing them if not enabling them.

We ought to be able to have certain conversations that reflect our age, hearts, backgrounds, experience, values and beliefs.

We can't sit behind our television sets and smart phone screens in this day and age and assume BTS sat through a performance like this and did not for a second think about what it meant, why the crowd cheered at certain moments or even understand the impact, message and intent behind it- especially not when Halsey, an openly bisexual woman and advocate for LGBTG rights is an acquaintance of thiers.

I don't know how a fraction of this fandom can assume BTS would have a collaboration of this nature and not know anything about the gay rights discourse or what queer baiting is or not consider how their actions may or may not be contributing to the marginalization of persons as these- to not have agency and personal responsibility or empathy.

JK cannot stan a gay artist such as Troye Sivan and divorce his music from his sexuality because it flows from it. Not when Troye has openly spoken about the struggles he went through as a closeted gay man, coming out and how that affected his mental health.

JK knows what gay is, he is aware of the struggles queer people face on a daily. His decision to cover, license and recommend songs by this artist is a deliberate act coming from a place of being informed on the matter.

Jimin knows. RM knows. Suga knows.

BTS cannot prepare a speech like this while oblivious to the plight of the LGBTQ plus community. I refuse to believe that simply because it's not true. Anyone who says otherwise is a scammer. Lol.

And I think they are intelligent enough to have cognisance of the fact majority of the world view certain aspects of their home culture as problematic and non-progressive and that this same world is watching them and what they do in this space matters.

They are part of the conversation. And it's in their interest to present themselves as queer a queer friendly band and company by distinctifying themselves from these 'traditional' Kpop bands.

I believe they know that being woke gives them a competitive advantage as MCs and advocates for the youth in today's world.

I believe they are aware certain things in their 'fan service culture' doesn't fly in the space they compete in and want to compete in. They are competing and rubbing shoulders with top LGBTQ plus advocates, sharing seats with them at awards, standing next to them- they best to look sharp.

It's obtuse for anyone to fall on the 'culture' rhetoric to excuse certain behaviors of their idols when actual queer people from and within that same culture fight against it.

Most S. koreans I know and have come across complain about their 'culture' and some even harbor strong resentments against this whole fanservice culture.

Holland, an openly gay Idol from South Korea, has equally spoken out against the 'fan service' culture prevalent within Kpop on several occasions and laments how it depoliticizes queerness and affects actual queer people within S.K.

And isn't it funny that the same conservative Christian population who strongly oppose homosexuality in S.K often lead online campaigns against Jikook for 'promoting homosexuality' because of certain fanservice and skinship they do?

If skinship is normal and fanservice is culture, why does conservative S.K keep pushing back against it? It's their culture uno?! Lmho.

Queer south Koreans and conservative Christians hate fanservice culture and yet here we are using their culture to defend it as if it's all black and white. Lmho.

Did they or did they not see South Korean's reactions to this performance by Jikook? The mixed feelings most had about it?

Men can nibble on men's ear but God forbid they toss them in the air and catch em💀

South Koreans are not a monolith. Their culture is nuanced like any culture. It's not static and not clear cut black and white either.

It's one thing to respect other's culture, it's another to perpetuate it in ignorance. Perpetuating their culture and being religious about it does not allow for the dynamism inherent in their culture.

Troye Sivan talked about how he'd stop in the middle of his concerts and performances upon seeing the hyper fangirls in the front row and then think to himself, 'I know they know I'm gay, so why are they still here...'

And this was before he came out.

Jikook know we know they are queer or that we think of them as queer. When Jimin talks about 'those that love me for me' he knows exactly what he is talking about or rather who he is talking to- it's not these hets I'm afraid.

Troye also talked about being privileged because he lived in a rather queer friendly neighborhood where everyone is gay and so he'd always felt safe coming out.

Isn't that what JK is doing?

Now this is a person who's without a doubt had a lot of influence on JK in his early formative years as an Idol right down to his decision to move into a much queer friendly neighborhood of Itaewon.

They know we know. Jikook is gay.

Thankfully, there are reports of a rising number of LGBTQ plus in South Korea, a lot of allies, a lot of queer folks coming out and a lot of companies opening up to working with gay idols and aspiring idols.

It's such a relief but a lot of work still needs to be done and I stand with them on behalf of Jikook and any queer folk in SK.

My sister is helping me reach out to an LGBTQ plus advocate from Seoul for an interview for my blog. If everything goes well, I'd love for her to share her thoughts on queer passing, queer baiting and fan service within Kpop and how that affects LGBTQ youth in South K.

It's a conversation I'm really passionate about and interested in.

I love me some ships, but I also love me some queer advocacy and human rights uno? Lol.

Thing is, I may quit BTS one day, but I can never quit being me. Being human. Always put the human first is my motto.

Oh and I hear people are plotting to cancel me? Chilee. Y'all do that but:

Let it echo.

Signed,

GOLDY

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sanktagenyas · 4 years ago

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alrighty so i guess coherent thoughts about this book might be a very generous estimate of what i’m about to write here but i’ll write down my thoughts anyway ‘cause i wanna share and possibly hear yours like for real interactions with my posts are not just welcomed they’re encouraged.

ok so to start our protagonists are alina and mal and our antagonist is the darkling and i pretty much related to alina right away because i love a hero with insecurities and doubts, i love an underdog so of course i was always meant to fall in love with alina starkov on sight. now the darkling... should be that i and everyone else would be beyond tired of the dark, tall, handsome and mysterious/scary men in fiction especially when they whisk our hero away for even more mysterious and/or nefarious purposes that they leave them completely in the dark about BUT the charisma fucking jump off of the pages i don’t know what else to tell you. and i am deeply intrigued about him and his backstory and also him and how he feels about our protagonist because when you catch the attention of a centuries old immortal being that says something about you but it says more about said immortal imo.

we come to learn that the darkling is beyond ruthless and yet he still a capacity for love after all this time even if it’s quite out of use to say the least. and just the fact that out of the thousands of people who have crossed his path there’s this one girl he saw and he was like well look at that someone who’s not unremarkable for once. and i know that’s not exactly a romantic sentiment but that’s how it starts, folks.

but anyway to cap my little ramble here despite the fact that i’ve seen that kind of villain before i do still really love the darkling. i like that we don’t have all the facts yet about what led him to become who he is so there’s just the right amount of mystery around him to keep you wanting to discover more and he is just human enough that he is not this caricature monstrous villainous figure (alina would beg to differ but i don’t listen to what alina yells at people when she’s angry)

now onto mal. i’m trying to word this in a way that doesn’t make me come off as a raging anti because the truth is that would require me to be invested in mal enough to hate him and as of now i’m just not. with book one being told entirely in alina’s perspective it’s pretty in your face that we should care about mal. our hero loves him and we want her to be happy, right? plus we really shouldn’t ship her with the villain there are so many wrong aspects about that dynamic just to name one aspect the deceit and the lies. the foundation of darklina is so fucked we should not ship it, right? well see that’s where i would argue that my biggest issue with darklina as a ship is the darkling in the final act all but saying fuck alina’s agency i’m going to make her my puppet for eternity not because that is necessary to accomplish my plan but because i’m jealous and resentful that she left me behind and didn’t embrace my plans for ravka and therefore embrace me.

and you might think wait i’ve lost the plot we were talking about mal and now we’re talking about darklina and the darkling but rewind back a little i said my issue with darklina in the final act of the book is the darkling pissing all over alina’s agency. and he might do that in more extreme ways than mal but mal certainly does seem to view alina as property at times and that implies him not respecting her agency. i could point to the fact that saying “don’t tell me we don’t belong together” is only framed as romantic statement because it comes out of the mouth of one of our protagonists and not our antagonist but that’s a cheap shot, it’s easy. instead i’ll echo my thoughts i shared about that malina reunion in chapter fourteen. mal was not one bit concerned about alina there and even though he says later on that not one hour was spent not thinking about her and wondering about her wellbeing all that flies out of the window the second he sees her with the darkling during the fete and here’s the thing if he had caught them mid makeout session i could understand him letting jealousy completely overtake him to the point that he doesn’t ask if she’s ok or how she’s been treated here and just assumes based on appearances (let’s not forget before she unlocked her powers alina was well and truly miserable regardless of the luxury afforded to her by her new grisha status so appearances don’t mean shit malyen) that she must be hunky dory and then tiptoes the line around slutshaming her but definitely crosses the line over into making her feel like shit for circumstances beyond her control territory and all that over seeing her do magic trickery at a party with another guy.

alina is allowed to be attracted to another man, she’s allowed to have feelings for another man. they’re both guilty of miscommunication as they obviously both feel the same way about each other but alina has the decency to keep her jealousy to herself and not have outbursts about mal getting close to other girls like she owns his ass or something. that put me off and then i was hoping there would be a talk that would clarify things and he would apologize and that happened but it also came with the revelation that mal was upset to see her happy with the darkling. so he’d rather see the woman he loves miserable and alone rather than happy and belonging? and that’s the romantic lead i’m meant to be fawning over? i’m just not seeing it right now and that’s why even as he so generously offers her absolution (idk if you can read my sarcasm but just to be clear it’s sarcasm) for having loved the darkling and tells her he loves all of her even the part that loved the darkling i’m like..... i don’t believe you boy.

i guess in summary my thoughts about mal as a love interest is i need some consistency you cannot have him throw a jealous fit over seeing alina standing with another man (that’s literally all they were doing for real) and looking happy about it and then have him be like i don’t care i love you anyway. you cannot have him act as though he owns alina and in the same breath throw in her face that the darkling owns her (i hate this foreshadowing thank you very much) and you cannot have him get cold or angry at so much of a mention of a life she might have that doesn’t include him and then expect me to believe he’s made peace with her having feelings for more than just him. he’s not even able to accept a scenario where she goes off and does shit that doesn’t involve him as he shows no interest in her life in the little palace for the longest time. meanwhile you can literally read all about alina wondering what happened to him and what he went through trying to get to her. and for the love of saints i would love it if alina would stop acting like she needs to be forgiven for these feelings i absolutely get that she feels conned and ashamed about it but you do not need to ask anyone for absolution for falling someone who made you feel seen for the first time in your life. fuck that noise.

i just know trust issues are gonna arise and i know he doesn’t feel that way truly. if alina turned around and at some point decided to show mercy to the darkling mal wouldn’t understand or accept it and i’d fully expect a guilt trip to ensue.

now that’s my thoughts on mal as a romantic lead and that’s about the biggest aspect of him we’re focusing on but i do think he is a brave man who genuinely cared for his friends and genuinely cares for alina as that whole journey to hunt morozova’s herd definitely proved. he loves her i don’t doubt that but one grand gesture doesn’t excuse the way he treats her earlier in the books is my point and as been pointed out by others i don’t like how much alina relies on him even when he isn’t here. her refusal to let go of him was directly affecting her happiness and overall health as she couldn’t come into her powers before she thought he was lost to her. if i’m not liking who the hero becomes when she’s with the love interest it’s a big indicator i’m not gonna love said love interest as much as i’m clearly expected to by the author. i like mal just fine, he’s not without redeeming qualities, i just don’t love him yet and i may never do and that’s ok.

now i wanna take a moment and a couple sentences (it won’t be a novel i swear, pinky promise!) to talk about the twist that i should have seen coming miles away and i already know once my sister watches the show or reads the book whatever comes first i will be mercilessly teased about not seeing it coming. but when i found out the black heretic and the darkling are one of the same my jaw dropped. as memers might say i took that personally. and even though we have a lot of grounds to covers still and unanswered questions such as is the darkling still alive? if he is what is he up to now? is baghra dead in a ditch somewhere or worse? will alina and genya ever see each other again? why was zoya so standoffish and violent with alina, what’s her story? the question in my mind most prominent is what happened to the darkling? what happened for him to become who he is. i love the quote monsters are not born they’re made and i much prefer to see a villain who wasn’t always one than one who is just evil for the evulz. so i want a backstory and i also wanna learn about baghra while we’re at it.

it’s all fun and well for her to denounce her son’s actions but and i hate to break it to her but YOU RAISED HIM LADY. so yeah baghra’s whole speech to alina is missing parts for sure because she’s not just gonna admit her hands are covered in blood as much as the darkling’s are. not without some pressing at least.

sooo to cap off all this i guess i would have just two throwaway remarks and that is that i am getting a lot of gay vibes from alina and if i took a shot every time she remarks on genya’s beauty or just gushes about genya in general i’d be drunk by now and i hope we get an actual queer romance somewhere in these books even just between side characters. second remark would be ivan i’m waiting for you to find some redeeming qualities my dude, i was rooting for you! at first he is a raging dickhead about it but seemed to mellow some and then near the end it’s right back to square one and i am really sorry about his brothers dying but having lost family members is not actually a get out of jail free card that gives you free range to mistreat people just because you can.

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone book spoilers #i'm not putting anti malina tags on here because i'm not interested in engaging in disc-horse #that's why i'm also not tagging characters or ships but if it wasn't clear i am darklina trash yes hello #this is a) a mess and b) far too long but it's what it says on the tin aka my incoherent garbage thoughts

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the-mandalorian-clone-lover · 5 years ago

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Aces in Spaces Chapter 7

7 Chapters already??

Warning for slight unrest at the beginning but they DO clear it up and everything is ok I promise they do (literally I can not stand to read angst so please always assume that if there’s a sad part it won’t stay that way, I fully intend to let Erica and Roman end up in the same old folks home)

Erica finds out about the support group (sort of) and Roman has to explain things

Tags: @maybege @sunshinepascal @rentskenobi @obaby-wan @agent-450 @princessxkenobi

Masterlist

Erica decides to meet him at the door. She’d originally entertained the idea of asking him to have someone let her in like before but since this really is the breakup conversation this time, she doesn’t see the point in adding any cushion.

Ok so maybe she’s being a little harsh. But what else, exactly was she supposed to assume when Butch clammed up the way he did? And how dare Roman anyway? All the kind words that day, all the kindness ever since and now this? She shakes her head. She’d never explicitly said she didn’t approve of him going out behind her back but since he’s the one who asked to be official she assumed it was implied.

She shakes her head again, sighing dejectedly. She doesn’t actually think Roman would cheat on her, but it’s happened before, who is she to ask people to go without a “basic human need” anyway? What had she expected? So what he was the kindest, most gentle man she’d ever met, that didn’t change her, and it certainly didn’t change the past.

Or the fact she was now more convinced than ever that she’d never be able to love anyone like this regardless of how long she lived.

So maybe she’s more sad and heartbroken (cliché as it sounds) than angry, and maybe its good that Roman walks up before she can spring back to hating him.

“Darling? Are you alright?”

She looks up at him wide-eyed, somehow having missed any other noise that announced his arrival but doesn’t manage a word until he sits down next to her on the step, a hand resting against her bicep and eyes flitting between hers questioningly.

She scoots away, dropping her eyes to her shoes and rolling her shoulders back. She has to do this.

“I want to let you go.”

It wasn’t what she planned to say, she’d planned to be a lot firmer about the whole situation, brooking no opposition but, again, it isn’t as easy when she cares what he thinks.

He leans back, retracting his hand “Is it something I did?”

It sounds incredibly meek and Erica clinches her jaw, resisting the urge to roll her eyes, perfect. He’ll play innocent and she can already feel the anger rising and somehow it’ll become a screaming match and she’ll be able to have a reason to remind herself to hate him when she looks back on the last four months. Because that’s how it always is.

But somehow, her jaw doesn’t cooperate and relaxes itself, tears spring to her eyes and she sniffs angrily. Damn him.

She sighs, resolutely looking down the stairwell. “Nothing I don’t understand.” She sniffs again and tries to stop the trembling that she isn’t sure is caused by the cold or her emotions. “I tried to tell you then I was broken. I wish you had believed me.”

He curls in on himself next to her, “But” he croaks, sounding near tears himself which surprises her, “that’s what I’ve been trying to learn about”

She whirls on him, eyes flashing angrily, “By having sex with someone else?!”

He recoils as if she’d slapped him and she leans back at the sobering thought, maybe she’d been too strong, maybe—

“Who told you that?”

She blinks, “Butcher” she begins, and she looks away from the incredulous look on Romans face, it isn’t her fault Butcher has a sense of honor to hint enough at the truth. “I asked where you always go Fridays because I thought you had a deal to close and, he wouldn’t tell me what was going on and he kept getting weird and—”

The trembling is back full force and her voice breaks, when had she started caring this much for Roman?

His arm comes around her and her whole body jerks away, pushing herself to the far wall.

“Don’t. Touch me.”

He holds both his hands up near his shoulders placatingly, fixing her with a pleading look, “I can explain everything I swear it isn’t like that, could we, you look cold, could we go in?”

She grits her teeth to stop the shaking, but her legs tremble the slightest bit anyway (traitors), and she fights herself for several seconds before finally nodding. “Alright.”

He nods back, shaky himself, and stands from the step offering an arm to help her once he’s stepped up. She looks back at him, eyes falling to his arm before reaching up to the railing by her head and pulling her own self up. She’s owed an explanation and she doesn’t intend to give an inch until she gets one.

She catches him swallowing before sadly glancing at her and heading to the door reluctantly. His arm lowers so slowly she almost wants to reach out and take it anyway, sidle up to him and tuck herself in his side where she feels at home.

No. She made a choice, he’s opened this can of worms and she intends to let him lie in it.

He opens the door, toeing off his shoes carefully before glancing back at her.

“I was thinking living room?” he offers quietly, and Erica nods bracing her hand against the wall as she takes her own shoes off. She’s wearing a long sleeved shirt from her old high school, new jeans and some combat boots, she takes them off grudgingly, knowing kicking Roman might not be as fun now if it comes to it but, well, she isn’t going to get dirt on the carpet. Because regardless of his behavior, she was raised right.

He falls into the couch with a deep sigh before leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. She sits in the chair across from him and raises an eyebrow condescendingly (even if she does feel the same way).

His hands slide through his hair and down his neck before he drags his eyes up to hers.

“I’m going to a support group.” Erica blinks. “It’s for Aces technically but I went to learn about them, and I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t know enough yet, I wanted to, I don’t know, well” he looks down again and mumbles “I did want to impress you” before breathing in and flexing his jaw, seeming to force himself to look her in the eyes again. “But more importantly I wanted to understand you, so when you told me things like ‘I can’t sit in a chair to save my life’ and ‘cake is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to humanity!’ I’d understand. Because I didn’t understand any of that before.” His expression grows soft, “But I do now, and, I hadn’t known how to tell you but, I wanted to. I still do.”

She’s listened quietly through his whole speech, and the worst part is, she can tell its true. She decides to respond to the easiest part first.

“The chair thing is a queer thing and not everyone—”

“Well all those people are ridiculous. You aren’t straight, so you can use it if you want. I always thought you sat just fine but, I understand wanting to be part of something.”

She looks at her hands and wants to cry again, for an entirely different reason. She decides to move next to him on the couch. Taking his hand into her lap and holding it palm up in order to trace her finger across it.

“So, if it’s a support group for aces, do you think I could come along?”

He’s quiet for beat and she looks up at him questioningly, had she read him wrong?

“Oh darling of course!” His face splits with a grin, “You’ll never believe Butch, he’s fallen for the librarian and she’s the cutest little thing, they ‘put away books’ before we start somedays and he swears up and down that’s all it is but they’re definitely dating officially already or I’m an idiot.” He’s grown more and more animated through his explanation and Erica raises an eyebrow in humor at his last sentence.

“Well, I’m already an idiot for making you feel I didn’t want you.”

She softens, reaching out to hold his cheek in a sudden show of confidence.

“It’s just been so long since someone did, I wanted so badly for it to be true but, everything seemed to point to…” She trails off but he doesn’t interrupt so she continues. “Not everything, but, you know how I am.”

He turns his head slowly to nuzzle his nose against her hand, “I’m so sorry I left room for doubt. I should have swallowed my own fear and been honest.”

She looks at him with wonder, smiling softly, eyes still glassy. “Tell me more about the aces, please?”

He beams.

“So there’s a wonderful boy he’s named Tom, has the brightest eyes you’ve ever seen! He has an older sister Jenny, they keep an eye on each other, and Butch keeps an eye on Tom when he can, did you know he has a sister that’s on the spectrum?” Erica shakes her head, already smiling at the enthusiasm from her boyfriend (she thrills a little inside at the right she still has to call him that).

“He does, and they get along so well, he sees her every Sunday night when I’m not out. And then there’s…”

His words seem to fade as Erica continues to stare at him, everything fading to white noise as he looks between her and their hands and the window excitedly, as if talking about these people would summon them to his living room. She starts smiling softly and comes to a decision.

She’s going to kiss him.

She leans forward and presses her hand into his cheek, turning his head back to face her before looking in his eyes and allowing herself a smile before glancing at his lips and closing the distance. She presses her lips to his with a small bit of insistence, breathing him in, in the closeness they’re sharing before readjusting the slightest bit, tilting a little more to the side.

She realizes belatedly he hasn’t moved. Her eyes flutter open as she pulls away, eyes falling to the couch awkwardly as she purses her lips before chewing on them.

“I’m sorry I –”

“Please, please do that again”

Her eyes dart back up to Roman’s, wide with confusion before he goes on, stunned face confirming his words.

“I, I was just surprised, I wanted you to initiate but that was—”

“Terrible. I know.” Erica falls back against the back of the couch despondently. “I haven’t had a lot of practice” she indulges.

Roman leans so she has to look at him, “I was going to say amazing.”

She turns her head to him again.

“but um, if you need to practice” He raises his hand slowly, “I know someone who’d love to help with that.”

He smiles cheekily before she grabs both sides of his face and pulls them together again.

Their lips are crashing together, his hands coming to pull her closer to him by the waist, her hands cradling his face before one slides up to grip his hair. She keeps smiling into it and if it wasn’t for him tilting his head to re-capture her lips each time, they probably would have broken apart because she just can’t stop.

She does finally pull away, eyes flitting all over his face “I like you” she says breathily, “I like you, so much”

He smiles, teeth on display, and reaches up to pet her hair, chuckling softly.

“I like you more”

She immediately frowns at him and shakes her head fiercely.

“Not possible. I’m bigger than you, so I have more capacity.”

He frowns. “That’s ridiculous.”

She shakes her head. “Not in the slightest Roman Stanton and you know it.”

He stands, “Well I’m currently bigger than you, so I have the capacity to like you more.”

She laughs at him softly but doesn’t move from her spot, eventually reaching out and making grabby hands at him like a child. He smiles wider, sitting down next to her and pulling her sideways across his lap.

“I mean it my ace, I like you a lot.”

She breathes out a laugh from her place buried in his neck, “Dinner after the group on Friday? My treat?”

“I’d like that.”

She nods against him, leaning up to kiss the underside of his jaw before laying against him again and he leans to kiss the crown of her head before laying his head against her too.

**********************************************

#asexual #ewan mcgregor #aces in spaces #ace character #original characters #original fic #original story #new chapter

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alesbiancowboy · 5 years ago

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Get ready folks, this one is going to be lengthy and heavy. That's right, we're looking at the Rose Queen episode, AKA "Let Patsy Mount breathe for five f*cking minutes please".

Since this is a very Patsy centered episode, and I don't have the mental bandwidth to break down every scene, I'm starting when shit gets real for Patsy: when Noakes comes and talks to her and Trixie.

Okay, this face speaks volumes. You see the pissed off, dejected Patsy when Noakes talks about putting in the pretty police to “Smoke out his type”. First of all, he’s talking about Tony like he’s some sort of vermin (I see what you’re doing there with the symbolism of the rat infestation Heidi, I see you). But this is Noakes telling Patsy that people like her aren’t normal and should be flushed out and gotten rid of.

As I have said in like all of these breakdowns, Patsy is motivated by self-preservation. This most likely cemented itself from her times in the camps, but this episode is the one where we see it truly taking root within her, and then it later affects how she interacts with everyone including Delia.

Of course, Patsy “I’m good at my job” Mount takes her frustration at the situation and focuses on what Mrs. Amos needs. This is something that a lot of people do in a stressful situation, they deflect what they’re feeling and focus on what they’re feeling or how to help someone else’s problems. She’s stuck in this place where she can’t make her true feelings known, but she needs to get out her indignation for this in some way, so she does so on behalf of the mother she’s there to take care of.

This is a gorgeous moment for Patsy and Trixie’s friendship. Trixie is saying how she couldn’t forgive Tony if she was in his wife’s shoes and Patsy automatically assumes it’s because he’s gay, but Trixie (the true MVP of this episode) automatically says how she doesn’t care that he’s gay, just that he cheated.

Emerald does this small thing where she looks at Trixie as she says she can’t forgive him and then does a small look down and tries to busy herself with her bag as she asks if it’s because of “what he is” so she won’t have to look at her best friend and roommate voice some sort of hate for people like Patsy.

Then we get Trixie being supportive of the community and we get that iconic Patsy Mount half-smile as she realizes that Trixie isn’t like other people and wouldn’t hate her for loving Delia if she ever came forth and told her (to be honest, I have a theory that Trixie already knew, but that’s for another time if you wanna hear it just dm me).

THEN we have them laughing over the “no dark secrets” thing, and we have a fucking amazing acting moment from Emerald where she’s laughing and smiling, then her face just falls. It’s so small and I couldn’t really get a good picture, but I will sell my soul to whoever can get a good gif of it. But this is Patsy remembering that she does have a “dark secret” and it could cost her everything but in a way, this would be Patsy having to decide between the two great loves of her life: Delia or her work.

Now we have Patsy at work with Mrs. Amos. She knows what’s up and is clearly trying to lighten the situation any way she can. She’s cheerful and smiling more than we’ve ever seen her smile on a regular house call, but she’s also being very attentive to how Mrs. Amos is acting, she doesn’t want to really let her know that she knows what’s up. She’s worried about her patient but is also clearly trying to judge how she’s feeling, because if she doesn’t like the gays, then Patsy could be in a difficult situation.

I love this moment, like so so much. Patsy is coming at this from her role as a caregiver but is being so smart with her wording and how she approaches this. She starts it with “my work, it’s about caring”. Not “I am”, this is because you can bet your bottom dollar that Patsy wouldn’t be here if not for her work. This is a difficult space and situation for her because a badly hidden reaction could cost her everything.

Then she makes sure that she lets Mrs. Amos know that she’s there for her, not just the baby, she cares about this mother and her situation and is there to help. I think it’s very telling how she doesn’t say anything in response to Mrs. Amos saying how she can’t be upset. Patsy knows that no matter what she says it would be insensitive or could be taken the wrong way, so she stays silent and carries on with her work.

This little line makes me so happy. Any discussion that she has with Mrs. Amos about this situation could hurt Patsy and she knows this. She knows that Mrs. Amos is holding onto a lot of anger and sadness and so she does what’s right as a caretaker and offers a shoulder and a sympathetic ear even though it could hurt her feelings and possibly her mental state. This is the core of who Patsy is. She’s a loyal friend who will put other’s needs before her own for those few people she lets in and it’s so touching and nice to see her letting Mrs. Amos in and giving her a safe place and person to talk to about all of this because we know Mrs. Amos won’t be able to talk to anyone else about all of this.

This lunch (dinner?) scene is delightful. Nonnatus is talking about the Amos’s and we get to see Patsy just stay quiet (most likely so she can not incriminate herself in any way) and not look anyone in the eye until Sister Monica Joan (who Patsy has some truly great moments with throughout the show) and Trixie stand up for Tony and the community. There are those small moments where you see something in Patsy’s eyes while they’re standing up for Tony that could be read as hope and it’s delicious to watch.

She literally puts her fork down and stops chewing while Sister Winnifred says all of this. This poor girl is so tired and already feels the weight of the world on her shoulders being in charge of the Amos baby, then she has to hear this sort of hate being spewed about LGBT people in her home with people that she has to live and work with.

Now we have the shitty neighbor lady yelling about the newspaper and we see Patsy get visibly anxious. The woman walks in and Patsy is still in her full posture, then she says something about secrets being out and Patsy seemingly shrinks just a little. Still, she automatically is watching Marie worried because at the end of the day she knows that she is in charge of her wellbeing, and this won’t be good for her physical or mental health, the first thing she does is move to help get Marie out of there.

This shot is everything. I love how they played into Emerald’s height to make it a fight for the power at this moment — she is taller than the frame and she’s physically looking down at this woman for 1. hurting Marie and 2. being a homophobic asshole. Not to mention, Patsy is someone with a lot of actual power and respect in the community. She’s a midwife, a nurse, and she’s in charge of the cubs, there is no way that she’s not known in the community and I love the way this woman looks surprised and taken aback that Patsy is standing up fro Marie and Tony because it’s her using her power to actually say what she’s been wanting to say this entire episode. And it’s clear that the way she says this line, she’s talking about herself just as much as she’s talking about Marie.

Just this look. I don’t have anything else to say... okay that’s a lie. her saying “small-mindedness has no place here” is just too good. This is as close as we get to Patsy snapping from all of this hate and bullshit and it’s done in a way that’s still respectable and is using her power for good. She then literally runs to go comfort Marie and it’s beautiful and she goes from being hard and laying down the law to soft and comforting (showing that soft underbelly and loyalty she has to the people she decides gets to see it.)

This is (as far as my knowledge) the only time we hear Patsy say any sort of formal identifier for the LGBT community. This is also just so good because I see this as Patsy doing a final test to see if she can truly trust Trixie. Trixie has been doing great this episode standing up for the LGBT community where Patsy cannot, but so far, it’s all be just talk. And we know from that first big Patsy episode that she truly believes that actions speak louder than words. the second Trixie says it’s not their battle to fight, you can visibly see Patsy put her walls up again.

She then argues “mother and baby first” when Trixie talks about the Rose Queen, bringing up her work (we are seeing a reoccurring theme this episode of Patsy having to seemingly choose between her love of her work versus her love for Delia). THEN we get Trixie asking (as sweetly as possible) why Patsy cares so much about this, giving Patsy a very clear opening to come out, but instead, we see Self-Preservation Pats come in and she shuts it down before going to bed and ending the conversation.

Patsy is called to the birth and we see the (very artfully done) “Queer” spray-painted across the door and goddamit she looks like she’s about to cry. Still, she powers through, walks into the house and gets to work. She has to ignore just how much this hurts her and has to focus on what she’s there to do.

When Marie tries to talk about the vandalism, Patsy stops that conversation before it even starts and stays in her work mode. If she let that conversation happen, it would have been hard for her to do what she needed to truly be there for Marie.

We get to see Patsy genuinely happy for the first time this entire episode when the baby is born and it’s just too good. This birth almost serves as a reminder for her that no matter what sort of hate is out there she’s good at her job and what she does brings actual joy — it’s a labor of love.

This is the first time Patsy gets to see Tony since all this insanity went down. She’s watching this entire interaction closely because she’s in the room with someone who has been living her worst nightmare of being found out then criminalized, but she’s also still there as a support for Marie. Then we get a close up of Patsy watching them worried, she knows that not everything is all fixed and happy, the Amos’s may never be the same as they were.

I love this. I love this so much. The very very small smile that Patsy gives Tony as he checks to make sure Marie is still able to do the Rose Queen is just true wlw/mlm solidarity and it’s perfect.

Then we see Tom give an excuse as to why they weren’t planning on having Marie there and we see Patsy’s face fall and she sighs. It’s a reminder to her that the community’s stance on people like her and Tony haven’t changed. She literally scowls at the homophobic ladies as they’re spewing hate and then everything changes as soon as Trixie starts talking.

This is the action that Patsy believes in. Trixie saying her beliefs about the LGBT community in Nonnatus when they’re surrounded by people they know and love is one thing, her standing up for Marie and Tony in front of the Popular community is a big deal, and we see Patsy smile and she’s trying to hold back her facial expressions because her best friend just stepped the fuck up to the plate and hit a home run.

Patsy going to hold Tony’s hand is again Patsy’s actions speaking louder than any words she could say. We don’t see her really say a lot to Tony, and we don’t see a lot of people touch Tony besides Marie, so this small moment is Patsy’s way of saying she’s here for him and the way he looks down at her hand says volumes. She’s not afraid to touch him and accept him, and that’s a big deal that Tony has been struggling with this entire episode.

Then we get the standing ovation, which is cheesy as hell, but so sweet.

Anywho,

ding dang that took a while, huge thank you to @ms-shady for requesting this one. This is a hard episode to get through just based on the subject matter, but goddamit it’s so satisfying to just watch the journey that Patsy goes through this episode. If you wanna see a breakdown lemme know!

#Call the Midwife #patsy mount #episode breakdown

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posi-pan · 5 years ago

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Pan Pride Readathon Wrap Up

My pan readathon last year was a last minute thing for Pan Week and I read 8 books, and this year it was planned in advance for the entire month of December (I literally hoarded pan books all year waiting for this readathon like some kind of pansexual book dragon) and I read 15 books.

Of those 15 books, there are two 1 star reads, two 2 star reads, three 3 star reads, four 4 star reads, and four 5 star reads. I also DNFed three books. Overall, the readathon itself was fun, but I definitely built the books up and got so excited to finally read them and sadly ended up being let down by a lot of them.

I don’t spend much time talking about the pan rep itself like I did last time, because in a lot of cases, unless there’s ignorance to call out, there’s not much to really say about it.

I link the Goodreads page for each book, if anyone is interested in checking them out. I also link my reviews for each book, if anyone is interested in my full thoughts, content/trigger warnings, and in some cases, more detailed lists of rep.

I know it's unlikely that this readathon will gain any kind of attention (because let's be real, pan things never do), but I do plan on keeping it going in the future. Not only because it's fun for me even to do by myself, but there might be a pan person somewhere who sees it and feels good knowing it exists, whether they're a bookworm or want to participate or not. Knowing there are pan people creating stuff for our community feels good. We deserve it. So, yeah.

Let's get into, shall we?

DNFs:

Reverb by Anna Zabo (pansexual MC, transgender MC, queer SCs)

I DNFed around page 20. The writing just didn't click with me. Which is disappointing because I saw a lot of positive reviews.

The Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith (pansexual MC)

I made it 100 pages before DNFing. This just didn't work for me, which bums me out because I was excited about this book.

The Affair of the Mysterious Letter by Alexis Hall (trans MC, pansexual SC)

A little over 10 pages in, I knew I had to DNF. It's definitely not a Me book and the way it's written is just...a lot.

1 star:

Not the Marrying Kind by Jae (pansexual MC, closeted lesbian MC, lesbian SC, ace lesbian SC)

This was one of my most anticipated books for this readathon, and sadly I don't like anything about it. I'm realizing that even though people consider Jae a staple in F/F romance, I just don't like her books. The first line of my Goodreads review is "not to be dramatic, but this book hates closeted queer folks" and I have no regrets, because that literally what the book smacks you in the face with the entire time. Beyond that, I was just going through the motions, not invested at all. (my review)

In Case You Missed It by S.M. James (gay MC with cystic fibrosis, pansexual MC)

There are two reasons I don't like this book. Ableism; even though it's clear the main character is sick, his illness is treated as a spoiler/reveal for more than half the book, because it's never named until he reveals it to the other main character. His illness is also used to justify him being a shitty person. Unhealthy relationship; one main character's feelings, needs, and boundaries are consistently prioritized over the other's from beginning to end. Even the side characters contribute to the unhealthy nature of the relationship. (my review)

2 stars:

My Fake Canadian Wife by M. Hollis (Black Brazilian lesbian MC, pansexual LI, bisexual SC)

What an underwhelming and disappointing read. I think this would've worked better as a full length novel so everything could truly be developed. The main character is lackluster, judgmental, and reads younger than she is. The romance is bland and barely there. And I just can't stand fake dating stories that ends when they get together for real. I want to see the actual relationship! (my review)

Wild and Crooked by Leah Thomas (gay MC, questioning/maybe pansexual MC with cerebral palsy and aphasia, queer SCs, SC with ASPD)

I was so excited to finally get to this and I'm so sad I didn't love it. It has all the makings for a perfect book for me; queer rep, disability rep, platonic relationships, and murder mystery vibes. But the ableism just killed this book. There's a side character with antisocial personality disorder and he's pretty much just a violent, unfeeling monster and the narrative tells you it's because of his ASPD. I don't think I need to explain how fucking harmful that is. And the book dances around ASPD until it's finally "revealed" at the end. Other than the ableism, I wish queerness played more of a part and that the family drama/mystery aspect hadn't taken over everything. (my review)

3 stars:

Exit Plans for Teenage Freaks by Nathan Burgoine (gay MC, Black bi LI, genderqueer pansexual SC, queer SCs, Deaf SC)

This is a decent book that has a fresh plot, nice humor, likable characters, a sweet quiet romance, and a super queer cast. But oh boy, the panphobia! My review is super detailed, so I'm just going to say that you can't respect pansexual people and our identity when you have your main character trying to figure out the difference between pan and bi and never once ask his pansexual friend and come away with the belief that there isn't a difference, or if there is, it doesn't matter. And I don't care if the author was inspired by his conversations with real queer teens, because, what? Am I supposed to applaud him for making a shallow and dismissive take on my sexuality into a quirky anecdote for his book? Other than that, it really rubbed me the wrong way that the ace character is the only one to experience bigotry from within the queer club at school, and that no one stops him from leaving because of it or confronts the aphobe about it. (my review)

River of Teeth by Sarah Gailey (bi/pan MC, fat bi MC, Black non-binary queer SC, aroace Latinx SC)

I honestly don't have much to say about this one. It's a quick read, action packed, and full of hippos and queerness. (my review)

Pretend Girlfriend by Lily Craig (lesbian MC, pansexual MC, queer SCs)

A cute, fluffy, and dramatic take on the fake dating trope. There's banter, a cruise, site seeing, party shenanigans, and nice character development. I appreciate that the pansexual character talks about the stereotyping and ignorance they experience. Overall, it's an average book. (my review)

4 stars:

Undertow by Brooklyn Ray (pansexual MC, trans gay LI, queer SCs)

I don't have much to say about this one other than it made me feel the feelings. I do wish there had been more emotional/romantic depth in the relationship, not just sex. *There has been some criticism of the Chinese rep, so just thought I'd mention that. (my review)

Black Iris by Elliot Wake (queer/can be read as pan MC with BPD, bi bipolar LI, mentally ill SCs)

I saw people talking about this book in relation to pansexuality and was like, "wait what I read that in 2015!!" so of course I had to reread it and see what people were talking about. And the way the main character explains her sexuality is so important, because she represents so many pan people who struggle to articulate how they experience attraction, because they've never seen anyone or any label express it before. She wishes her attraction was easier to pin down, because then she'd at least have a word for it. But she doesn't, because the labels she knows don't specifically mention anything about gender not determining attraction. Aside from that, this book surprised me. I love me some messy, angry queer girls getting revenge! The dangerous message this book sends about mental illness is why I only gave it 4 stars. (my review)

Lucky by Garrett Leigh (closeted gay MC, pansexual MC)

There might be a lot of sex in this book, which isn't My Thing, but the characters made my heart fucking ache. They're so angsty and their relationship is so good, even though it has a quick start, because they're just so heartwarmingly fucking gone on each other that you can't help but root for them. There are some heavy topics dealt with in this book, but they're handled in a way that is lighthearted without downplaying the seriousness. And not being out isn't vilified! Woo! (my review)

Six Goodbyes We Never Said by Candace Ganger (fat Latinx pansexual MC with PTSD and GAD and OCD and depression, Latinx MC with social anxiety and PTSD)

This book lowkey destroyed me. Heartbreaking depictions of grief, loneliness, and anger. Family dynamics that hurt my heart. The frustrating, blossoming friendship between the main characters, who turn to each other to grow and heal and overcome. And also the body-positivity and self-love, and the charming characters who you can't help but adore and root for. I didn't quite enjoy some aspects of the mental illness rep and what I think the author was trying to do with the dynamic between the MCs but didn't execute well. (my review)

5 stars:

Darkling by Brooklyn Ray (trans gay MC, pansexual LI, queer SCs)

Given the genre and sex content of this, I didn't expect to love it, but was intrigued. And whew, did I enjoy the fuck out of this. I would die for Ryder and let him suck out my soul if he felt so inclined, tbh. This is the book that comes before Undertow, and I have the same notes about wishing there had been more emotional depth to the relationship and acknowledging the criticism of the Chinese rep. (my review)

Unbroken by Brooklyn Ray (demiromantic bi MC with PTSD and depression, pansexual LI, bisexual SC)

This author's characters really fuck me up, wow. The relationship in this book is one of the most open, honest, and caring relationships I've seen in a while. There's a lot of healing, self-acceptance, and growth. There's a focus on consent, communication, and safe-words. I think what makes this book work for me even though the author said it's not romance, but erotica (which is funny because I felt more romance in this one than Darkling/Undertow) is that the healing, emotional depth, and relationship and character development happens through sex. It's not just pointless smut for kicks or sex you can skip or skim and not miss anything. (my review)

All the Things We Do in the Dark by Saundra Mitchell (pansexual MC with PTSD, queer SCs, SC with a stutter)

This book is so fucking good. It deserves the same kind of love and hype that Sadie got. I said it. It's just so good and important and deserving. It's a journey to healing and recovery, an exploration of mental illness, a call out of rape culture, and all with a dash of murder mystery. (my review)

Fortitude Smashed by Taylor Brooke (bisexual MC, pansexual MC with dissociative dysthmia and anxiety, demisexual Chinese SC with PTSD, bisexual SC)

This readathon would not be complete without rereading this super queer soulmate AU between a cop and an angsty thief. And unsurprisingly, this book still hurts my feelings and one of the main characters still makes my soul ACHE. I did notice a few more bothersome things the second time around, but this still holds the title of my favorite book with a pansexual character. (my review)

And there ya have it! That was my pan readathon!

If anyone read any pan books in December, please let me know! Let's talk about them!

#pansexual #pansexuality #pan positivity #pan pride #pan pride readathon #text #mine #this was fun and all but #i'm happy to not have to worry about reading anything or posting about what i'm reading lmao #pan books #pansensual #panaesthetic #panalterous #panplatonic #long post

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chokemepaulson · 6 years ago

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'This Is My Game, And You Better Come To Play'

Pairing • Cordelia Goode x Reader

Warnings • Jealousy, roughness??? Idk. Mistress kink??? I'm useless

Words • 1679 (it's a long one folks)

Tag List • @shineestark @dearly-queer @gay-and-sad-tm @marilynroselleprentiss

Cordelia sits beside you at the table, sipping the iced coffee out of her silicone straw.

“How much longer do you think this will take?” You question as you sit back in the plastic squeaky chair, “I mean seriously how long does it take to change the oil?” A big pout was on your face, you hated running these types of errands with a passion.

The older blonde smiled around her straw and she pulls back from the drink. “Maybe fifteen more minutes dear, you seriously need to work on your patience problem.”

“But Delia!” Your were practically whining at this point. “We’ve been here for hours.” You lay your head down on your forearms and you let out an angry puff of air, it was false, you both had only arrived twenty minutes ago. Right after your ramble of how this was utter bullshit a man walks up and you perk up instantly. “Is it done yet?”

The man smiles brightly at you, his eyes only focusing on you, not once looking at Cordelia. “Well no not just yet, but as manager I would like to offer you lunch for your wait.”

“Oh yes I would love something to eat. I am starved.”

He rubs his hands together and he nods. “Well I’d hate to leave someone as beautiful as yourself hungry.”

Cordelia watches with fire in her eyes, it was a damn good thing that she was in tune with her magic, because her anger would’ve set the whole place on fire. The Supreme turns to you, wondering what you were going to do next.

You stand up from your seat and you stretch slightly. “Those chairs are so uncomfortable, you’ve gotta upgrade those things.” You smile at him so he knows you weren't being mean.

He nods rapidly. “Oh of course, I’ll order more while we eat. Maybe you could help me pick them out.” He places his hand on your bicep, “I bet you have great taste.”

Cordelia reaches over then, her cool fingers wrapping around your wrist. “Come on we’re going.” she demands.

You frown softly. “Delia you’re being rude.” You shush her and your gaze meets hers, once it does you have to swallow thickly. You’ve never seen that look in those usual soft brown eyes. “I need to go.” You turn to smile politely at the manager.

Cordelia practically pulls you to the car that had just finished being serviced and you both buckle up, heading back home to the academy.

Once you walk into your room you’re thrown against the back of the closing door. “Woah!” you grunt out as the air is knocked out your lungs. “Delia what’s going on?”

Cordelia leans in and she slides the tip of her tongue up your neck to your ear. “I do not like flirting, and right in front of me?” You had never heard Cordelia's voice this deep, this husky. “Unacceptable.” she sucks your earlobe into her hot wet mouth.

Your back arches involuntarily, your body searching for hers like the ocean crashing onto a sandy beach. “I wasn’t,”

Cordelia shakes her head seriously, “You weren't.” she pulls back and she grabs your bottom lip with your teeth, pulling it back she looks into her eyes and the pure hunger you felt radiating from the blonde nearly made you lose your balance. She sucks on your lip before she lets it go with a pop. “He was, right in front of me, and you didn't even see it.”

You whimper softly and you gaze into Cordelia’s eyes before your hands reach out to touch her sides, you were absolutely craving just to feel her skin. If you could just feel that goosebumped skin once more you could die happy, but Cordelia’s strong hands stop you. “Nuh uh. No touching me.” the blonde pulls back, holding your wrists she leads you to the bed. The Supreme pushes you down onto the bed and she straddled you.

“Please? Please. I just want to touch you, please Mistress.” You whisper, your voice laced with want, need.

Cordelia gasps softly and she licks her suddenly dry lips, she grabs your chin forcefully and she looks into your eyes. “Again.”

“Please. Please let me touch you Mistress.” Your suck your bottom lip into your mouth in nervousness, you hadn’t meant to let it slip but it did.

Cordelia slides her hands down your shoulders, her fingers gently tracing a stretch mark here and there. When she finally makes it to your hands she pulls them up over your head. “Keep them there. If you move them you will not like the punishment that your Mistress will give you, understood?”

You gasp at her words and your fingers wrap around the posts of the headboard, giving her a nod you watch her for her next move.

“How dare he,” She sits up and she moves her hair to one side, the blonde curls creating a beautiful curtain that you wanted to run your fingers through. Cordelia looks down into your sweet eyes and she unbuttons her silk top she was wearing, she lets the material fall off of her shoulders and she throws it off the bed. “Do you like this darling?” the blonde runs her own fingers over the edge of her black lace bra.

You swallow thickly and your pupils dilate in pleasure, this was fucking torture for you and Cordelia had to know that. “Yes.” It’s a mere whisper but Cordelia heard it loud and clear.

“I picked it out with you in mind.” She reaches back and she tugs down on the zipper of her skirt, moving and shifting a bit before she throws it over where her shirt is. “How about this? Do you like this too?” she sits on your abdomen, her fingers running down her own to touch the suspenders and thigh highs, she pulls one of them up before she lets it go with a pop. The blonde feeds on your expression, the way your knuckles are turning white with your grip on the headboard. Cordelia touches the seam of her thong and she smiles innocently.

You nod rapidly, biting your bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, “Mhm, yep.” You didn’t know how much longer you were going to last holding on like this.

Cordelia hums gently in answer and she rocks her hips forward, a gasp leaving her lips at the sensation of her clit being stimulated through the fabric of her thong. “You’re going to be good for me right?” she whispers to you as she rocks forward once more.

“Y-Yes.” Your fingers were gonna fall of from this tight ass grip and you knew it.

Cordelia moves her hips forward and she looks into your eyes. “My special one.” She moves a hand up to your cheek and she brushes her thumb over your cheekbone as she continues to rock.

You turn your head slightly and you take the woman's thumb into your mouth, you swirl your tongue around it before sucking it.

Cordelia lets out a particularly loud moan and she moves faster. “Oh, Oh fuck.” the feeling of you sucking on her thumb, your hungry and pleading gaze, mixed with the rocking had her on the edge quickly. “I’m goin-” She leans down and she sucks a dark mark onto your clavicle, stopping herself from making too much noise. One moan is explainable, multiple? Not so much.

The Supreme pulls her thumb out of your mouth and she replaces it with her own tongue, groaning against yours happily as she chases her orgasm. Her panties were ruined and you were pretty sure not even the dry cleaners could save your shirt. “Do it,” you mumble into her mouth, “Come all over me.”

Cordelia clenches her eyes closed tightly and her back arches against you as she is pushed over the edge by you raising your body up slightly. The blonde practically screams in your mouth as she feels the intensity of her orgasm and once she has come down she sits up. Letting out a soft laugh. “Wow.” The Supreme whispered and she looks down at the aftermath of her jealousy.

“Can… Can I move my hands now?” You whisper and once you receive a nod you smile brightly and you stretch your aching fingers. “Awesome.” You sit up then and you take off your soaked shirt. Putting it in the pile with her own discarded clothes.

Cordelia waits until you’re situated before she crawls into your lap and cuddles into you. “Thank you.” She whispers. “I don’t know what came over me but you took it so well.”

You wrap your arms around her happily and you kiss the top of her head, “I’ll take whatever you give me Cordelia Goode.”

Cordelia sits there for a few minutes before she grabs something out of the bedside table. “Anything?” she questions in awe.

“Anything.”

“What about this?” Cordelia opens the ring box and she looks at you with hopeful eyes as she shows you the piece of jewelry inside.

Then and there, you knew you would be with this woman for the rest of your life. And what could be better than that?

#cordelia foxx #cordelia goode x reader #cordelia #cordelia foxx x reader #cordelia x reader #sarah paulson x reader

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fourteenacross · 5 years ago

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moby-dick thoughts at last

Okay, I’m going to see Moby-Dick one last time tomorrow and I still really want to get my broader thoughts down. I wrote the following as emails to a couple friends who saw it and wanted to chat about it, so I’m just going to put it here for posterity and maybe add more tomorrow night?

I'm still all over the place, though, so I'm going to answer this in no particular order, heh.

First off, some things I love:

Everything about part two is just like candy for me. The audience participation, the anachronistic theme park announcement, the silliness, the way that Choksi pulls out that pointer and keeps collapsing it to make one more comment, then pulls it out again, then collapses it again to make ONE MORE COMMENT. I love the puppets and the puppet show aspect of it. I love how much fun the cast seems to be having! Watching it is fucking delightful, it’s the reason that I’m a member of the ART and the reason I love Malloy’s weirdness and the reason I love weird regional theatre.

The performances are stellar, of course, and there’s a lot of emotion, especially in part four. Starr Busby as Starbuck blows the fucking doors off the place and while I am usually fairly femme4femme, that fucking costume she wears is A LOT for my tiny gay heart to handle, okay? Choksi is brilliant, of course--perfect perfect PERFECT, I cannot imagine a single other person in this role. It’s so weird, I was watching some old Comet clips a couple weeks ago and it’s CRAZY how the beard and the attitude turn him into an entirely different person. (I know, that’s how acting works, but still.) I don’t particularly care about Ahab, but I love basically everyone else? Tashtego and Daggoo’s little asides throughout were particularly good. I loved the use of Dawn Troupe as everyone who’s NOT on the Pequod and her costumes were stellar and that bit where she’s the Rachel in part four is INCREDIBLE.

The music is also incredible. I’m not like, smart about music, but it manages to keep incorporating like, melodies and refrains again and again to bring the different sections together and it was....good. He musiced good, that Dave Malloy. Good on him.

“The Pacific.” Oh god. That song alone could kill me.

The costumes were great, the set is amazing, and overall it’s just...fun. I had a good time! It’s a 3.5 hour musical and the only parts where I thought, “Oh god, this is long” were a couple of Ahab’s songs. I was never bored! It is a wild, sprawling work, but even though parts of it didn’t work for me, nothing turned me off entirely, which is saying a lot for something that long and intricate.

(Also, to be clear, I haven’t read the book! I saw a few review on the internets where people were like, “If you haven’t read the book, you won’t be able to follow it at all!” which I have to say is untrue. I read a couple of the first chapters in a class in college, fifteen (!!!!!) years ago, but I didn’t so much as wikipedia the thing over the entire course of preparing for this show. I meant to, but I never got around to it. And despite that, I had no problem following it or enjoying it?)

Anyway, onto the criticisms.

So, I agree with a lot of what you said. Some of it is def intentional--I remember either Rachel or Malloy saying in an interview that most adaptations are focused entirely on Ahab, when he largely exists more as sort of this weird, menacing figure who occasionally drops in to be obsessed and then disappears again. But there's def a lot of messiness that I think is the result of trying to do too many things in a very limited amount of time. I would have LOVED to see the seven hour version for comparison's sake. I think the tonal shift is intentional as well, but I don't know that it 100% works for me? Like, I get that Pip's section of the book is fascinating and I get that he wanted to draw the parallels to Pip and the lost boys and Ishmael in part four, but I honestly think a lot of that could stand to be cut. It could be a great stand alone piece, but the things it sets up don't justify the length of it. If they used that time instead to set up some of the despair in part four, I think the tonal shift wouldn't feel so abrupt as well.

The framing device is also a weird choice to me. Like, I love Choksi's performance of it, and I would hate to lose some of those bits, but I feel like, to justify it being in there, you need a follow-up after act four? It would space out three "character" breaks--the prologue, the Fedallah monologue, and then something like an afterword--and do a better job of actually "framing" the show. But also, honestly, I think it would work just as well to take it out all together. It feels like kind of a foreword? And I think that would be better served as like, a note in the program ahead of the bibliography. It's such a fucking weird choice to open out of character and then never really return to that? Like, you can have Ishmael address the audience and break the fourth wall and be anachronistic and not need that weird set up, I promise, Malloy.

(I love reading the bibliographies in playbills at Malloy shows. That has nothing to do with anything, it's just a dumb thing I like, haha)

I would have loved to see some more time devoted to developing Starbuck and developing the relationship between Ishmael and Queequeg, which, again, I feel like there would have been space to do if they got rid of some of the Pip stuff. Especially because Starbuck carries so much of part four, and I would die for Starr Busby and she can definitely shoulder that weight, but the narrative needs to shoulder some of it too. I'm glad that he made Ishmael and Queequeg explicitly a queer couple, but I feel like there's a line between "this is quietly happening in the background and not of importance to the narrative" and "this happened almost entirely off-screen and people who need 'explicit' confirmation of things aren't going to understand it, entirely." I feel like the average cis het folks seeing this show would very easily be like, "Oh, they're slow dancing and holding each other like friends do!!! :)" not out of any malice, but because it wouldn't even occur to them to look at it any other way.

To answer your last question: this is definitely NOT going to broadway any time soon, if at all. It's def still in the development stages and I don't think he has his eye on broadway for it. It's too long and too weird and too much, and I think he knows that. So I feel like it's important to not hold it up to the same metric as the out of town tryouts that the ART normally does? Like, it's not going to compare to Waitress or JLP or even Comet, which had very inventive staging but was a very simple story and fairly well hammered out by the time it was in Cambridge? Which doesn't give it a free pass or anything--it's def still very messy. But I feel like it's mess is different as a piece in development than it would be as an out of town, you know? And I really like that there's a place in regional theatre for weird, messy, experimental things that aren't necessarily aiming for that level of commercial success.

So my tl;dr is that I agree with a lot of your criticisms and think it needs a whole lot of work going forward, but also I kind of loved it for what it was, warts and all, and I'm going back to see it again tomorrow, SO XD

#theatre notes #does the moby dick musical have a weird dave malloy name yet?#dave malloy

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sarriane · 5 years ago

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it's interesting to see so much meta about 'the timeless children,' still, and considering all of the reviews, kneejerk reactions, criticism, love, hate, anger... it just makes me come back to the idea of how it's an attempt to restructure and recenter the show. whether it's a bad or good attempt is one fandom is never going to agree on (fandom never agrees on anything). but every little piece i see about it, every reaction kind of brings to light how it both suceeded and failed.

there's so much in the racial + gender dynamics to pull apart, places where they failed, places where they did well. i think it's the problem with a show that is still so white and so dominated by men, that while they're making an effort towards diversity, there's so many fatal missteps. things in the script that seemed innoculous in another circumstance are entirely changed when you add in identity factors.

(why would you cast a south asian actor and then put him in a nazi uniform? while it's great they cast an actor of color in a classic role, one who was clearly the perfect choice, it's also an unfortunate consequence that we now see the familiar racist image of a man of color "menacing" a white woman. thanks.)

it's not a problem limited to dr who, either -- i remember when kelly sue deconnick finished her run on her first volume of captain marvel, the villain was a genius scientist, and a woman of color. one fan commented (paraphrased): 'hey, i finally saw myself in your comic book - and i was the bad guy.' i remember KSD said something like "i thought all representation was good representation?" and she noted it, and i did too. again and again, we see this: creators in positions of privilege trying to provide representation, but falling short because of the racism, and misogyny, and bigotry they haven't unlearned.

and it's not easy. i certainly don't know how to write a story about a villain of color and a white woman and avoid any pitfalls -- perhaps the solution is to leave those stories to people who are actually from those racial backgrounds, or have those identities. but how to do that when the people in power making casting + writing decisions are white men? obviously, dr who needs more people of color working in it. it needs more women's voices, more queer voices. but even that's not a solution. RTD and JNT definitely didn't have eras free of homophibia and transphobia.

(we get this shit with queer-coding, too, which is why i've never advocated for doctor/master to become canon. i will happily read a million fics exploring the relationship, but i don't want to see the master portrayed as a predatory gay, thanks. and i don't want to see the doctor portrayed as a man caught in an abusive relationship, eventually ending with him literally keeping his romantic interest locked up and isolated while he tries to reform/brainwash her. i'm not into warden/prisoner porn, thx.)

i'm still working on my ideas about how/why doctor who has been irrevocably changed by 'the timeless children,' because the reviews aren't all bad. there are very much people who feel seen. in my opinion, it's very very difficult to take a show that's centered around england and turn it into a post-colonial narrative. dr who has hosted a variety of political opinions over the years, and so has the doctor (don't fucking @ me about kill the moon). in 2020, it's hard to continue to write the story of the doctor as a voice for the repressed when he's an old white man from a planet of "lords," that are a bunch of other old white men. at some point, it's another goddamn white savior narrative with a mansplainer at the center. (note that whittaker's casting does not solve this, but at least it's a start, i suppose? ugh, give us more jo martin!!)

so, the doctor is a woman now, and she has a history where she has been victimized, but she's overcome that. the knowledge of that does not victimize or martyr her, it allows the doctor to recenter herself in the narrative as a voice for the oppressed because she's been there.

i wish i could say that the show treated the jo martin incarnation with the respect she deserved, but even then, she's once again the Wise Old Black Woman trope. she goes from her character in 'fugitive of the judoon,' a doctor in her own adventure who refuses to let another co-opt her story, to a literal support character, the good angel on the doctor's shoulder reminding her who she is. and while it's nice to see a black woman doctor affirm who the doctor is -- she's affirming it to a white doctor. she's a prop. it's such a devastating waste of the character.

'the timeless children' reminds me a lot of captain marvel, and i think some of its failures are in that thirteen is not a Big Damn Hero. it's difficult to suddenly turn the privileged renegade into the timeless child, but also push the classic idea of: "should we trust the doctor?" because we shouldn't! she isn't a superhero. she isn't carol danvers, she has never had a history of fighting for everything she has - everything was handed to the doctor, including when he took the TARDIS and ran away. there's a note in an essay someone wrote in the 70's about 'the deadly assassin,' that showing us gallifrey takes the "who" out of "doctor who." for as much as the 'timeless children' tried to reclaim that, some of the questions it leaves us about the doctor are not pretty. especially when she lets an old, kind man die in her place (and grandpa joe from derry girls, for shame).

(on a wider note, in 50 yrs, will media criticism talk about the period of third/arguably fourth wave feminism in scifi? where white blonde women were treated like science experiments so empires could be built on their backs? but they refused victimhood and became heroines, standing up for those who canmt protect theirselves? which is great, except for the "white, blonde" element and the fact that this narrative, if it becomes a trend, is literally coopting parts of african american history.)

i hate that i have to settle for what we have, because i think media can always be better, and we deserve better, and they should try better. i've seen it said before that doctor who can't break down barriers, since it's a kids' show that airs before 8pm and has to be centrist enough to appeal to a wide audience. i think that sentiment is a little naive of what science fiction actually is and does. whatever the case, it seems clear to me that the next season of doctor who needs to involve more people of color in the cast + crew, and more women, and more queer folks. and it makes me aware of something much more in my control - that i've seen very few responses to the episode from fans of color. and i'm really not sure how to find these voices and amplify them, other than to follow and reblog, and listen.

i hope one day to reform these thoughts into something resembling proper media criticism, but i think it will take time, and revisiting old and new who, and probably seeing how the next special treats the reveals from 'the timeless children.' i've got so many thoughts about s12 and gender and race and the writing's almost "colorblind" approach to it all, and i never expected this to get longer than a paragraph long rant. there's just too much to talk about.

#dw #sarah has thoughts

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drunklander · 6 years ago

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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 411

This week, on Outlander: Claire carries all of the water for Jamie! Lord John can’t decide if he’s dumb and creepy or a cool dude! Roger is still my designated tea refill break! Bree is back to being the worst! Murgsali remains the best!

It’s week two of my drunk recaps being done while not drunk *shakes fist at the concept of Dry January* and my willpower is being aggressively tested.

I hate this fake-out with Roger as much as I hate the fake-out in ep. 1x03 with Claire and Mrs. Fitz.

Are we going to get Roger back at the stones and his decision to stay and him being recaptured and stuff next week? Or are we just going to pick back up at the village and we just need to fill all that in ourselves? Tbh, I almost would have preferred Roger just not being in this episode...

Oh the title card... Bree is suddenly now a great artist! (Seriously, how the fuck did she never draw Roger at any point before Rogergate happened?! Like, cool if you don’t want to share who raped you, literally this whole thing could have been avoided without sharing that tidbit if Jamie KNEW WHAT ROGER LOOKED LIKE. Oh, thanks for the heads up, Lizzie, but it turns out that the guy you saw is Bree’s boyfiend. I punched him for leaving her, but it turns out he’s just a dick, not a rapist.) (Second week in a row that I’ve made that typo. It’s like even my subconscious doesn’t like Roger.)

And Bree loves drawing the enslaved people on her great-aunt’s plantation! Which she apparently is totally cool with!

Also, Bree says Aunt wrong. It’s a minor thing but one that is driving me up a fucking wall every time she says it. (People in Massachusetts say it like Ahnt, not Ant.)

Geez, Lizzie, Bree doesn’t need to easily forgive Jamie. Jamie doesn’t deserve to be easily forgiven. Honestly, Lizzie is the least to blame for this whole fiasco. She saw a dude being rough with Bree and then the next time she saw Bree was post-rape. Jamie was a complete prick to Bree, beat the shit out of a random guy without letting him get a word in edgewise and had his nephew get rid of him. And then didn’t fucking tell Claire, who probably would have put two and two together, about it. Fuck that guy.

I simultaneously can’t believe and 1000% can believe they read this shit heap of a story line and were like “Yep, this is great stuff! Let’s definitely spend half a season on it!”

ROLLO! THE GOODEST BOY!

Ugh. Young Ian being like “Oh hey, Auntie Claire, how about you go do the emotional labor of making Jamie feel better about being a fucking dumbass!” Hard pass, Ian. Hard fucking pass.

So here for Claire’s “what you *both* thought.” Like yep, Ian, you’re at fault too. I know you love your uncle, but you gave that whole big speech at River Run about being your own man and yada yada, so maybe fucking own your part in this. You didn’t fucking have to sell a guy into fucking slavery. BUT YOU’RE STILL NOT AS MUCH TO BLAME AS JAMIE. FUUUUCK THAT GUY.

Also, Jamie, you dumb fuck. You should have been fucking groveling by now. You get no points for keeping your distance. Nut up and mea culpa the shit out of this situation.

Honestly, if they wanted to make the show just about Fersali and Murtz, at this point I’d be totally on board.

Wait, so Fergus has been unemployed this whole time? How the fuck have they been living for the past year then? What happened to his job at the printer? I have so many questions...

So Bree, who grew up in civil rights era Boston and had a Black roommate, is totally just chill about living on a plantation and being waited on by enslaved people? Like, we’re not going to mention this at all? Cool. Cool cool cool.

Also like fucking mother like daughter. She’s like “Oh hey, Phaedre, I’m going to draw you. Sit there. No, I’m not going to ask if you want to be drawn. Or take into account what Jocasta might do to you because of my decision to make you not be doing what you’re expected to be doing. Like my Mom did with asking you to call her by her first name, I’m just gonna disregard what the consequences might be for you because treating you like this will make me feel better about myself.”

Maria Doyle Kennedy continues to be awesome.

"Sorry! Did I wake ye?” I love Marsali so fucking much.

I really like them giving what was a convo with Jenny and Jamie about Ian in the books to Marsali and Murtagh about Fergus. But man, women do so much of the emotional labor in this fucking episode. Marsali is running a house, caring for a baby and risking having a wanted man sleeping in her kitchen but she also has to like fluff the pillows for Fergus’ feelings.

Yes, I know that spouses should support each other and be there when the other one needs something. But since we see so little of Fersali now, we’re not seeing this as a two way relationship. Just Marsali doing it for Fergus.

That being said, I do think it’s very sweet of Marsali.

“If I wanted him shot, I’d do it myself. And it wouldna be Fergus I’d take aim at first. He doesna put his boots on my blankets.” I just fucking love her so much, y’all.

Does Murtagh know who Marsali is yet though? Does he know about Jamie marrying Laoghaire? Were we robbed of the glorious Murtz reaction we could have had? Le sigh. If I had a drink, I’d pour one out...

Oh hey, Gerald. Is your name going to stay Gerald? Or are you randomly going to start being Neil in a couple seasons?

“Have you been enjoying your time at River Run?” “Yes, I love River Run. I love living with a bunch of racists, benefiting from the enslavement of Black people. I never once bring up how uncomfortable I am, or even look like I’m uncomfortable about the situation. I am not at all morally conflicted about my current situation. Everything is totally cool.”

I raged a lot during ep. 4x02, and honestly that rage all still stands.

Oh hey! John Grey, Lord of Convenient Appearances is back!

Fergus talking to Germain is my everything. “It seems there are some here who do not appreciate your contribution to the cause.” *swoon* I can’t wait for him to teach his lil dude the fine art of pickpocketing...

I LOVE THE FERGUS AND MURTAGH RELATIONSHIP A LOT AND I’M VERY GLAD THEY’RE GETTING SCREEN TIME TOGETHER.

BASICALLY I LOVE MURTAGH’S RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERYONE.

I JUST LOVE MURGSALI OK.

Bree’s like that obnoxious college freshman who comes home on break and is like all insufferable because they took like one intro to psych class and now want to like diagnose everyone they know with random shit.

“Must I close my eyes when you are before me?” “Yes.” Well played, Bree, but I still do not like you at all in this episode.

Man, 18th century tinder fucking sucks.

I know this show isn’t subtle at all, but jfc, they’re like punching us in the face with the judge being gay.

Bree, Claire and Betty fucking Draper should start a club for women who drink like fish while preggo.

Ok so I’m on board with the convo with LJG and Bree about his vision or whatever, but then it crosses over into creepy later on in the episode.

Can Lizzie please fuck off already? She’s annoying af.

Also, she blurts out that Bree’s pregnant but managed to keep it a secret that Jamie kicked the shit out of a guy for weeks? I’m calling shenanigans on that.

I get that the convo with John and Bree about Jocasta trying to marry off Bree to some rando is supposed to like be clearing up the handfasting is marriage vs. not marriage thing that the show can’t make up its mind about, but it still bugs me, tbh. A lot.

I still am lowkey annoyed that they expect us to be so invested in Roger and Bree when they did like nothing to build up their relationship before it went to shit (both times). Like, you’re lazy when it comes to your characters, show. You’re doing a bad job. If no one is invested in the characters then all the plot in the world won’t make the show good.

The amount this show relies on book readers backfilling shit is absurd.

Jocasta, as a woman and figure in society, is a far more understandable giver of this speech about Bree needing to be married than Jamie, a dude who can have her live with him in his and Claire’s house in fucking bumblenowhere backwoods. But still, WHY DON’T THESE FUCKERS JUST TREAT HER LIKE SHE’S MARRIED. SHE TECHNICALLY IS. SHE’S HANDFAST. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF THERE WEREN’T WITNESSES. NO ONE IN CROSS CREEK KNOWS THAT. PEOPLE WILL JUST ACCEPT WHAT YOU TELL THEM. I HATE THAT ALL THESE FUCKERS WON’T PUT THAT TOGETHER.

Ok, cool that Lord John is getting some action, I’m am 10000% here for him to be happy with a man who actually wants him back instead of creepily pining over Jamie forever. But FFS YOU ARE NOT STUPID. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BANGING THIS DUDE IN THE GODDAMN HALLWAY?! YOU ARE A VERY CAREFUL PERSON. YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF PEOPLE KNOW YOU’RE GAY. YOU FUCKING GOT SHIPPED OFF TO ARDSMUIR BECAUSE OF RUMORS ABOUT YOU AND HECTOR. YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS YOU STUPID FUCKING FUCK.

All that aside, I totally ship John and the judge and they should totally be boyfriends and bang a lot, but FUCKING NOT IN THE GODDAMN HALLWAY OF SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE WHEN THEY KNOW THEY LIVE IN A HOMOPHOBIC AF SOCIETY.

Ok, fuck Brianna for this blackmail bullshit. Fuck her so fucking much. She is the literal worst right now. Like are you fucking kidding me, Bree?! You’re garbage. I know this shit is in the book, but fucking christ. It’s bad. Fucking have Bree talk to John like “Look, my aunt is trying to marry me off. That fucking hobbit is going to propose as soon as I go back inside. I don’t want to marry him, you know I’m waiting to see if my parents can find my quasi-husband. Can you please do me a solid and say we’re engaged so people leave me the fuck alone until my parents get back?” We *know* John would say yes to that, because he eventually fucking goes along with it for THAT EXACT FUCKING REASON. SO WHY ARE THEY HAVING FROM-THE-POST-STONEWALL-FUTURE BREE THREATEN A GUY WITH THIS SHIT. SHE KNOWS HOW QUEER FOLKS ARE TREATED IN HER OWN FUCKING TIME, AND THIS IS THE PAST AND THE PAST IS THE FUCKING WORST. FUUUUUUCK HER.

“That sounds like a threat.” BREE, YOU DON’T GET TO BE BUTTHURT ABOUT BEING THREATENED WHEN YOU LITERALLY JUST TOLD A GUY YOU WERE GOING TO RUIN HIS LIFE, YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE.

“I wouldn’t have said a word to anyone. I’d just threaten you with your worst fear. Because I’m a raging asshat.”

It’s creepy af that they’re like talking around John being in love with Jamie. I honestly hate that part of John so fucking much. Like he could be such a great character if they could fucking lay off the him pining over and being weirdly possessive of Jamie shit.

Ok, so with Bree now just telling everyone that it was Bonnet who raped her it’s really coming off that Jamie’s manpain was the *only* reason she didn’t tell anyone but Claire before. Which is so fucked up! She was raped! Fuck Jamie’s manpain! If she wants to tell people, she should fucking tell people! Sorry not sorry, but if you were brutally raped and possibly impregnated by some fucker and you want to let people know who it was because it turns out he’s a fucking sociopath, that fucking trumps “oh, my bio dad might feel icky about it.”

“The union of our families is a blessing to us all. Except for the second someone better comes along. Because omg he’s a *lord*! Bye, Neil. Go have yourself some second breakfast.”

Oh fuck you, Jamie. You don’t get to be butthurt at Claire. Claire didn’t beat the everloving fuck out of some rando at the word of a maid, send him into slavery and then keep it a fucking secret. Also like, why the fuck did he even keep it a secret from Claire?! Why not do what Bree did and tell Claire but have her not tell Bree? And he’s still keeping him asking Murtagh to track Bonnet down from Claire. Seriously, fuck Jamie.

Oh Rollo, this isn’t Terminus. We don’t eat people in this show.

I literalol’ed at them pulling an Everest and using a dead body as a wayfinding tool. Probs not the reaction they were going for.

“He is... very much like his father.” DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD, JOHN.

"Good doesn’t come into it. I love him more than life itself.” I love the convo about loving a kid even if you’re not the bio dad, but this “It’s only new because there is hope.” bullshit while they’re sitting on the FUCKING PORCH OF A PLANTATION, LOOKING OUT AT ENSLAVED PEOPLE WHILE THE REST OF THE FAM IS OFF LOOKING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED ON THE LAND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, IS SO FUCKING TONE DEAF IT HURTS.

“I was upset, but not with you.” Uh, Claire? YOU SHOULD BE UPSET WITH JAMIE. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE UPSET WITH JAMIE.

I get Claire’s reasons for not telling Jamie. I think Bree should have told Claire to tell Jamie since it seems like her only hesitation for doing so was Jamie’s #feelings. And I 100000000% think that it makes *zero* sense that she never told Jamie what Roger looks like. But Claire is doing way fucking more than her share of apologizing here. JAMIE IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE DOING THE BIG DRAMATIC APOLOGY. THIS IS LIKE 99.7% HIS FUCKING FAULT.

I HATE ROGERGATE SO FUCKING MUCH.

“Frank made plenty of mistakes.” UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING CENTURIES, BEAUCHAMP.

Aaaand then they couch it as an “all parents do” thing. BECAUSE OH NO, CAN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HE WAS AN ABUSIVE JACKASS. NOPE. CAN’T DO THAT.

This show is fucking *killing* me with its refusal to make the male characters accountable for their actions.

And then we get the same sex scene we got in the premiere. Because even though Jamie and Claire get freaky in oh-so-many different ways in the later books, the show has decided that from now on they need to be vanilla and boring. I mean, in the book this bit is described as fierce with blind desperation. I know I always say I want them to deviate from the book, but ffs, I didn’t mean make all the sex the same when the situations and emotional states of the characters when they’re together are very different...

And no, Balfe, I’m not a “horny granny.” (Seriously, fuck her for that comment, tbh. I know what she was probably trying to say, but word choice, Caitriona. It’s fucking important.) I’m not watching this show for the smut. But the core relationship, what’s supposed to be the heart of the show, is now monotonous af.

Jamie and Claire as characters have always been a couple who express themselves passionately and physically. But now suddenly they’re just like soft af all the time? Where’s the fire? Where’s the spark? You don’t need to have nudity to show passion, show. I’m not asking for a parade of boobs and butts. (If there was contractual stuff involved with that for actors or whatever, more power to them.) But ffs, the show is managing to make me bored with the main fucking ship.

And then Roger gets the shit kicked out of him again and I’m here for it.

Because I still don’t like that guy.

(But seriously, framing the various Native American tribes as the “bad guys” is getting old af.)

#*#outlander starz #outlander 4x11 #drunj!der yells about outlander #rogergate

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