#trying to figure out wtf to write abt them

[starstickerzzz]

Ight bet hold on,

1: complicated but mostly no

2: my dying grandma I’m currently leaving the hospital for the night

3: y e s

4: y e s s s

5: TAKEN !!

6: dramatically

7: edible cookie dough from da hopital cafe

8: I’m really good at skateboarding hatchet throwing (won a contest actually) and shooting hoops surprisingly

9: yessss bruh I straight up tear my fingers apart

10: bout a month ago I believe

11: my gf of five years 😏💝

12: I have severe insomnia I’ve stayed up longer

13: oh fuck yes I do!! 😋✨‼️‼️‼️💥💥💥

14: yeah all my loved ones who keep dying lol

15: Yee!!! Quite a few in my house but the one that’s officially mine is my leopard gecko and technically the fatass weirdly smart hamster named adolf hamster is mine now too since I’m the only one who takes care of him and plays and holds him so mi hermano said he’s mine now 💀

16: frustrated and exausted as fuvk also OW OW OW OW CHRONIC PAIN WHAT THE FUCK

17: …mayyyybbeee…

18: nope! :3

19: YESSSS AAAGHHH unless the universe exploded idk

20: gfs house also I had to use Alexa to figure out wtf that meant lol it said “to kiss and cuddle” so I hope that what u meant by that :b

21: try to keep my gammy , great gammy and aunt from killing eachother or themselves and try not to lose my shit despite the horrrors

22: my n da waif have considered adopting children when we get married and comfortable together n shit (asa foster victim who is great with kids it would be good I think) also I have a lot of emotionally adopted kids lolz

23: I’ve got a vertical libret and have been stabbed if that counts LMAOOO

24: art, creative writing,phycology, and general science and English I’d say (when I was in school)

25: absolutely quiet a few people fs

26: Wendy’s borger 😔💔

27: romantically? Yes I’ve had to reject a lot of people (mostly men) cuz for sum reason people crush on me a lot and it sucks cuz I’m a very taken lesbian and hate having to make people sad but I’m pretty good at being nice about it. In general? Never on purpose but probably ig??? Idk I’ve been through a lot so idk maybe

28: nope! Been with the best wife in the whole universe since like middle school so :D

29: I sure hope not but you’d have to ask @skelebab ig ? (Mi Bonita Estrella 😼✨)

30: so fucking much but mostly having to be my family’s constant therapist and dealing with my ggma in the hospital and everyone have insane angst with eachother and it being my problem all the time cuz im the only one who can help :”)

31: yuh

32: sunset colors !!

33: maybe a lil yeah but not as bad as you’d think considering my past so that’s cool

34: fucked up distorted trauma nightmare don’t wanna talk to much abt it tbh 💀

35: my grandma Anne yesterday

36: sometimes if but not a whole lot idk

37: for me probably forget if I can but I usually can’t do either very well

38: welllll…maybe second best? First getting out of residential hell was the best Fs but now shit sucks again but it’s not as bad as before as every other year was literally just violent amounts of constant trauma 😭😭😭

39: idk i think it was elementary school though if that even counts if not then middle school with da waif

40: hell naw

41: ur mom- I MEAN UHHHH…sushi, ramen, or Wendy’s tbh but I have arfid so foods hard to eat or like most of the time either way 😔💔

42: it can feel like that sometimes ig but im very atheist so ehhh

43: I can’t even remember I just passed the fuck out at some point on the couch after not sleeping at all for like 3 days 💀

44: ???no tf???

45: nahhh I go pretty out of my way to be kind asf unless you really really really hurt me or a loved one first in which case veryyyy

46: lost count tbh but I don’t start fights I’ve just learned how to finish them after so much violent bs

47: not in a spiritual way but I would call my gf that fs

48: fall weather in general or aesthetic ass grey days

49: no not reallly but it’s good for photography

50: helllllllll yeah that’s the plan!

51: if my gf did id probably die a bright red melty mess

52: the few people I truly give a shit about anymore and my hyperfixations

53: I’ve done that to many times to do it again unless I ran away or some shit but I’d probably go back to jade if I did

54: no

55: tell they ass hell naw

56: yes actually I have 2

57: a really zesty gay nurse guy from da hopital he was really cool

58: gammy

59: naw

60: yes yea yea yes yes yes yes ye s yesusysysyys

(U messed up the numbers btw but it’s chill)

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[zorange13]

—he’s such a loser, wtf? pjs

pairing. geek! park jay x afab poc popular! reader

content. acquaintances to lovers, jay is lowkey a loser but not, ft. popular athletes! hyung line, jay’s an asshole like fr, allusions to The Duff by Kody Keplinger (little me loved that book, i’ve read it twice. i still love it idc. don’t talk to me abt the movie tho…sigh), photographer geek! jay, journalism major! psych minor! reader, arson jokes, playfully questioning friend’s sexuality, making out

word count: 30,974 (25,591 in this part) ao3 ver.

synopsis: jay’s been hiding behind his cool, distant demeanor, never letting anyone get too close. when he crosses paths with you, a popular cheerleader, your unlikely connection sparks a series of misunderstandings, awkward encounters, and him trying—and failing—to navigate feelings he’s not used to confronting. With a secret mission to keep his distance while helping her, jay finds himself caught between his own stubbornness and the surprising depth of his feelings.

after well into writing this i realized that a lot of jay’s behaviors display signs of autism spectrum disorder. this was not intentional but if this does offend or put anyone off in any way PLEASE let me know!! (symptoms/signs such as: must follow certain routines, seeming blunt or rude without intention, taking things literally—as in—does not understand figures of speech or sarcasm, prefers to be alone, hyperfixations,) again, not intentional but i didn’t want to put this out without making it clear that i’m not ignorant to what i’m producing. i literally didn’t put this together until my close friend (who is autistic) told me that these were signs. she said this did not offend her, but obviously she doesn't speak for all! this isn't to offend anyone, if this does then please tell me. my dm's are always open for any reason!

Park Jay spent copious amounts of time reading, writing, and taking photos of his poor, unsuspecting classmates. 

In a nutshell, Jay was simple. He woke up at 9:00, brushed his teeth, washed his face—no need for a morning shower; he always did that the night before. Then came 9:19, the daily wardrobe deliberation: black t-shirt or…black t-shirt. Oversized black jeans or oversized black sweatpants. Spray his favorite cologne at 9:28. 

Eat exactly one cup of Raisin Bran and solve the day’s Wordle. Grab his keys at 9:50. Trudge out of the house and into his car by 9:51.

It was like rinse and repeat, to which none of this necessarily bothered him. Jay enjoyed routine, he loved the idea that he had full control over what had to be done. But a part of him longed for something different. For someone or something to disrespect the regimen that he’s so carefully mapped out. 

—

He stood along his university’s track, camera in hand as he inspected the soccer field, trying to get the cheerleaders and other athletes into the frame. 

His face is shoved tightly into the camera as he zooms in, eyes narrowing in concentration. The lens clicked repeatedly as he fell into the quiet rhythm of it. Letting himself fall into yet another routine of clicking, adjusting, clicking, adjusting. 

It wasn’t even about the subjects, he honestly couldn't care any less about sports or whatever they were doing, just lining up for that perfect shot was more than enough for him to feel that high, that cathartic feeling of expression. He hated the arrogance that came with athletes, but a great artist puts themselves in uncomfortable positions to really show how great they are; wouldn’t you agree?

He takes a couple more shots before his focus drifts back to his camera lens as the team disperses. All of which they lift their shirts to wipe off the sweat that’s gotten in their eyes. Despite him not caring about any of them, he watched as his three idiot friends walked over to him. Laughing, still trying to maintain some sort of positivity after Coach Jeon screamed at them for the last hour and a half.

Sunghoon was the first to approach, his once very serious glare being replaced by a smirk as he relished in the freedom from Coach’s scrutiny. His shirt clung to his chiseled chest from sweat as a small towel hung over his shoulder, but despite these things that would very badly overstimulate someone like Jay, Hoon looked cool as a cucumber. “You still hiding behind that camera?” Sunghoon teased, wiping his forehead with the aforementioned towel. “Don’t you get bored?”

Jay didn’t even look up from his camera as he adjusted the exposure, “Nah, I’m hoping one day you idiots fall and I’ll have the documentation.” He muttered with little expression. “Besides, we can’t have amateurs taking flicks for the yearbook, right?”

Jake and Heeseung walked up next, still catching their breath from the intense scrimmage. Jake flashed Jay a smile, “You really gonna stand there while we’re slaving out here?”

Jay gave a shrug, the corners of his lips quirked up into something of a smile, imperceptibly so. “I’m working hard too, if you count not getting hit in the face with balls as work.”

Heeseung leaned back next to him, the heat radiating off of his body to Jay’s to which he grimaced. “Yeah I know, I took two to the chin last week.”

Before Jay could respond as the others—including him—laughed, a voice interrupted them.

“Are you really going to let these guys gang up on you like that?”

You stood right there as your voice cut through the banter with unexpected clarity. It was bright, strong, and that’s what made the four boys look at you. Standing a few feet away from them in your perky cheer uniform, that could cling to you the only way it knew how after a heavy practice. Sweat glistened from your forehead but your curly hair—that was raised in a pineapple updo, masked it, blending in so that it didn’t look too frizzy and shrink up. But even when you expected to look a mess, you didn’t. You commanded attention, not forcefully—it just happened naturally.

Jay’s gaze flicked up, the grip on his camera loosening, now his attention no longer on the athletes. He looked at you briefly, his stomach doing something way too familiar at this point whenever you were around.  

The boys froze up for a second, but Sunghoon’s posture straightened up at the sight of this girl. “Hey Captain,” he smiled, a glint of amusement in his eyes. 

You curtly bowed your head to greet them, but before you could speak further, Jake interjected, “We just got chewed up by our coach for 90 minutes straight, can we breathe?” 

You laughed, “Yet you still found time to be annoying, very impressive, Jakey, very impressive.”

Jay’s ears perked up at the sound of your laugh, again the feeling in his heart and stomach a reminder of it. He held his camera close to his chest, almost protectively as he avoided looking at you; he had to remember who you were.

You are the captain of their university’s cheer team and in very close proximity to his friends. They ran in the same circle and somehow developed a kinship with you, alongside the other girls and guys on the cheer team during their years at the uni. It seemed to make sense for every one of them but Jay. You bantered with Sunghoon like you were siblings, always kept having to reject Jake, and even managed to coax a few words out of Heeseung every now and again who always seemed to be having some sort of girl problems. It was easy for you to be around them—just as much as it was for Jay; the pseudo-F4 had been friends since they were little kids.

However, the times you would try to interact with Jay, he would keep his responses very minimal. A smile, a curt nod, a wave whenever you see each other. Jay, from your interpretation, seemed very aloof and you didn’t take it personally. It made sense that his only three friends would be people that he was fully comfortable around. 

Seeing as his friends doubled as athletes and socialites, Jay always felt like—for lack of a better word—a loser.

There was this book that he read (almost regretfully) in his freshman year of high school—The Duff. He knew that to be the ‘Designated Ugly Fat Friend’ he had to fully identify with it, though, he didn’t quite feel much of a relation to Bianca. She was self-deprecating, bitter, anxious, and impulsive. 

Jay had some sort of confidence, he was slightly bitter, only mildly anxious, but was very calculated and attentive. He knew he wasn’t fat, damn sure knew he wasn’t ugly, but sure, he was the designated friend. 

The friend that was the designated driver when Jake would be blacked out drunk at parties, all because Jay refused to compromise his liver and kidneys. The friend for whenever Heeseung had girl problems, he was the one to go to. The friend that Sunghoon always called to play Valorant because he knew that Jay was never that busy.

Jay was reliable, trustworthy, and in some ways he felt like he owed his friends. They were the ones that were there for him in the same way. The ones that saved him from that big, bad bully in kindergarten and they’ve been thick as thieves ever since. Not to be confused, he knew that his friends loved him equally. But Jay never had to confide in them because he never needed anything. Nothing exciting ever happened in his life for him to report back to his friends. 

He enjoyed his space, being an only child, he spent most of his childhood playing alone. So when he found his friends—or better yet—when they found him, he never changed who he was or what his character consisted of. Jay’s social battery ran out very quickly; so more often than not he would find himself retreating to his apartment and putting his phone on ‘do not disturb.’

Jay liked the quiet moments in his life. The stillness of his apartment, the steady click of his camera, the hyperfixation on really niche topics, the way he could just fade into the background while observing the world through his lens—literally and figuratively. It gave him control—a way to participate in life without being directly in the spotlight.

But you had this uncanny ability to mess with that quiet.

It wasn’t intentional, of course. You didn’t burst into his life demanding attention or energy. You just...existed in a way that made it impossible for Jay to ignore you. Your laugh could cut through the fog of his thoughts, your voice had this cadence that somehow settled and unnerved him at the same time.

He hated that you made him feel exposed, like you could see through the layers of detachment he’d spent years perfecting. The way you tried to pull him into conversations when you clearly had no obligation to, or the times you’d catch him off guard with a teasing comment—those moments lingered, as much as he tried to brush them off.

And it wasn’t that he didn’t like you. That wasn’t the problem at all. If anything, it was the opposite. You were one of those rare people who managed to make everyone around you feel seen without even trying. It was easy to see why Sunghoon treated you like a sibling or why Jake always tried (and failed) to flirt with you.

But Jay? He didn’t know how to categorize what he felt. It wasn’t as simple as admiration or attraction. It was more complicated, more unsettling. You were an unpredictable variable in his otherwise orderly life, and Jay had no idea what to do with that.

So, he kept his distance, retreating to the safety of his camera and the comfort of his predictable friendships. It was easier that way.

At least, that’s what he told himself.

“Jay,” You called out, breaking him from his introspection, your tone teasing but not unkind. “You’re really gonna let these guys clown on you? Thought you had more fight in you.”

Jay looked up, the weight of your attention catching him off guard. He felt his grip on the camera tighten instinctively, as if it could shield him from whatever chaos you were about to unleash.

“Not much to fight about,” he replied, his voice steady but soft. “They’re just proving my point.”

“Which is?” You asked, tilting your head slightly, curiosity sincere.

“That I’m the only one here doing something useful.” His lips quirked up in a faint smirk, and Jake groaned dramatically in response.

“Useful?” Jake cut in, shaking his head. “Bro, taking pictures of me isn’t exactly saving lives.”

“Not everything’s about you, Jake,” Sunghoon quipped, earning a laugh from the rest.

“Right, right,” Jake said, rolling his eyes. “Guess Jay’s just here documenting Sunghoon’s tragic fall from grace.”

“Tragic?” Sunghoon shot back, mock-offended. “Please, I’m the star of his portfolio.”

“More like the blooper reel,” Jay muttered, earning a burst of laughter from those around him.

“Wait, why are you funny?” You admitted, your eyes crinkling at the corners as you covered your mouth to conceal your laughter. “Not you having jokes.”

He felt his face heat up at your attention but shrugged it off, glancing back down at his camera as if the settings had suddenly become the most fascinating thing in the world.

“Only when the material’s this easy,” he said, keeping his tone light.

“You’re full of surprises,” you said, and there was something in your voice—something playful but warm—that made Jay glance up again. He caught your eyes as he adjusted the silver-lined frames that adorned his face, the motion both habitual and telling. Your gaze lingered a moment longer than he expected, your expression unreadable but calm. Jay’s fingers froze briefly against the bridge of his glasses before he dropped his hand, clearing his throat softly.

“You wear those because you actually need them,” you asked, your tone light but genuinely curious, “or is it, like, a whole vibe thing?”

Jay blinked, caught off guard by the question. “Uh…both, I guess?” he replied, a touch of hesitation in his voice. He didn’t know why he said that, his vision was absolutely terrible. 

“Cool,” you said simply, your lips curling into a small smile. “They suit you.”

He opened his mouth to respond but quickly decided against it, unsure of what to say to that. His heart did an embarrassing little leap at the compliment, though he managed to keep his expression neutral.

“Didn’t think you’d notice,” he finally said, his voice quieter now, almost like he was speaking more to himself than to you.

You raised a brow, leaning slightly forward as if to catch his words. “What, you think I’m not observant?”

“No, just…” He hesitated, his gaze dropping to his camera again. “Didn’t think it’d matter.”

You studied him for a beat, your smile softening. “Well, it does.”

And just like that, you straightened back up, your attention shifting seamlessly to the others, leaving Jay with the sudden and disarming realization that you were way more perceptive than he gave you credit for.

—

Jay walked into one of the university cafes at his usual time of 12PM right after his 10:30 experimental filmmaking class. As soon as he opened the door, the scent of coffee permeated his senses. Immediately waking him up from the haze that loomed over him from the 90 minutes of hearing information he already knew. Funnily enough, he hated coffee and refused to drink it because he didn’t want to trigger possible acid reflux or gastro-esophageal diseases.

He plopped down at one of the booths as he adjusted himself into the cushion of the seat. He then slid on his earbuds, the clinking of spoons and white noise fading to black. He swiftly pulled out his laptop to edit the photos that he snapped two days ago on the track. Jay’s fingers hovered over the trackpad as he scrolled through the photos. The soccer and cheerleading practices had been a goldmine for candids—athletes mid-sprint, beads of sweat dripping down their bodies and catching the sunlight, and the faint blur of the spectators in the background.

He loved capturing the things that felt alive even in the stillness. 

As he adjusted the vibrancy on a particularly striking shot, Jay felt a faint presence nearby. Looking up, only to see the barista delivering a caramel latte to a nearby table. Shaking away his paranoia, he turned back to his work. The rhythm of editing was something easy for him to fall into, but for the first time that day, he felt the tension in his shoulders ease. 

Through his peripheral vision, he saw a familiar figure open the door and head to the queue to wait to order. You.

As soon as his eyes laid on your figure, they retreated right back to his laptop; also slouching into the booth so you wouldn’t notice him. Again, it wasn’t that he didn’t like you. Jay just hated discomfort and somehow being around a girl like you, made him squirm and he wasn’t sure if it was a good thing. If the things he felt were anything other than happy, sad, angry, nervous, or scared then he wasn’t a fan. Despite how much the latter part of him yearned for excitement and to really feel, Jay just wanted to skirt by in life. 

It was a weird mixture of wanting to be wanted, not having interest because he was afraid of rejection whether socially, or romantically even. He hated the way these insecure, almost unnerving things popped into his head when you were around.

He watched you walk in his general direction with a cold brew in hand and his heart skipped a little, he—again—further ducked into his seat and scooted more toward the window on his right side. But you sat at a nearby table in front of him which made him let out a quiet sigh of relief. How you didn’t notice him let him know that you didn’t have that irrational fear of seeing people you know in public (like him), or just had no sort of spatial awareness. 

But then after a while, he started to hear the faint hum of your voice through his headphones. Which overstimulated him beyond belief. Like, hearing old, unreleased Frank Ocean on top of your voice made his head hurt and he didn’t know what to do about it. He wasn’t gonna tell you to shut the fuck up, because that would be mean. 

Jay gets that he’s in a public setting but a part of him blames himself for not getting noise-cancelling headphones, his old ones from high school were not cutting it anymore. 

Just the fact that he is so hyper-aware of your presence was the problem. The fact that you sat there sipping, almost aggressively (how tired were you?), on your coffee as you scrolled through some app. Smiling haphazardly at something you might’ve found funny or stupid. Then he sees that smile settle into dullness as you swipe across it to put the phone to your ear. “Hey,” 

Your voice was soft, almost cutting through Jay’s mind like a knife. His fingers froze mid-edit on the same photo he was editing when you sat down—twenty minutes ago, so longer than usual. 

He glanced up briefly, not wanting to seem obvious, but also unable to help himself. He paused his music as he watched you lean further into the table, absentmindedly stirring your cold brew. He saw the condensation gather around the plastic cup and leave a ring around the base of it. Your expression was almost unreadable as he wondered who you were speaking to. 

Jay immediately regretted the thought. Why the fuck would he care who you were speaking to? It wasn’t his business and it wasn’t like you were aware of his inner turmoil. 

“Yeah, I know,” you said as you sighed into the phone. “Mom, I’m trying. But this class is absolutely impossible! It’s like he says one thing, but he wants another thing. I don’t even know this is stupid.”

Jay blinked, trying to process what you said as his chest tightened for reasons he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Your tone was light, but there was a frustration beneath it as his fingers hovered over the trackpad, but he wasn’t editing anymore. Instead, he was hyper-focused on the way your voice wavered slightly as you vented, the way your hand stopped stirring the now watered down cold brew and was now waving around as you aired out your troubles.

“Yes, I’m asking for help, mom, it’s literally so embarrassing, I got a 40 on my last test.” you continued, your tone softening, though the exasperation lingered. “But it’s not like anyone’s lining up to explain set theory to me, you know?”

Jay’s lips twitched into a faint, involuntary smile. Your words were drenched in sarcasm, but there was something oddly endearing about the way you expressed yourself. Still, he shook his head to force his attention back to his laptop. ‘Just play your music and stop eavesdropping,’ he told himself.

But then again, how could he not? You were just sitting a few feet away from him and again, his headphones were not helping right now. So he quickly pulled out his phone to open his reminder app to buy some noise-cancelling headphones by the end of the week.

“Okay, okay,” you said, never sounding so deflated. “I’ll figure it o—” You stopped talking, being cut off by your mom who was lecturing you it seemed. “I know mom, your money won’t go to waste. Plus if I fail, I’ll ju–” Your voice dropped to a lower, more resigned tone. “No, I didn’t just say the F word,” you smiled solemnly. 

“I have a class in 10 minutes, ma. I’ll call you later, okay? I love you.” You said, obviously lying just to stop the barrage of your mother’s words from ruining your day and stressing you out further. Then you go back to your phone as you bounce your leg up and down, trying some way to push the stress somewhere else. 

While you’re busy doing this, Jay quickly takes one last glance at you. It’s not that he wants to draw attention, but there’s something about your restlessness, the frustration in your voice, that sticks with him. He could’ve just let it be, but he’d already clicked send. 

—

Later on that day, you were seated at one of the tables in the corner in one of the school libraries. Your mind spinning with endless equations and concepts that you understood, but somehow, nothing ever stuck. Turning up the volume on your noise canceling headphones to hopefully drown out the damning thoughts, you didn’t realize how much time had passed until your phone lit up on the table, breaking your focus. 

It was a message from the cheer group chat. Wasn’t important, ignore. 

But you decided to scroll through your old notifications, just to see what you missed. However, your eyes caught one from three hours ago to your school email:

From: print@decelis.edu at 12:33 PM

To: you

Your print job is ready for pickup at station 3.

You blinked at the message, a little confused. You hadn’t sent anything to print recently or at all, in your years at the school. All of your work was digital. But your curiosity tugged at you, pushing you to check anyway. You get up from your chair, leaving your laptop and tablet there for the taking, these rich kids don’t steal anyways, you thought.

Nonetheless, were you missing something? You pondered what you could’ve possibly sent to print, I mean, your Philosophy and Ethics essay was to be turned in digitally, as was most of the assignments in the school. I mean what loser would even handwrite notes these days?

When you arrived at station 3, there was a semi-thick stack of papers waiting for you. You leaned forward slightly as you grabbed the stapled bundle from the tray. As you flipped over the page with your name on it, you saw it was labeled in a familiar way—finite math. 

But these were different from those stupid lecture slides…these were actually good. Detailed, thorough, and almost too clean, each concept broken down in ways that felt more digestible than your professor’s ramblings could ever be. 

Lists of formulas, steps on how to do problems, keywords, examples, things to remember.

Oh, this loser had time. 

You skimmed through them, and the more you read, the more you couldn’t help but feel a mix of admiration and confusion. Who had gone through the trouble of printing these out for you? Why?

And who—wait, the only person who knew about your math debacle was your mom. You don’t quite remember discussing this matter with anyone else but her because it was simply too embarrassing to admit to anyone that you were in danger of failing anything. 

As you felt this pit in your stomach, you glanced around the library. Looking for any sign of who might have been listening but then again, you got here an hour ago. You last opened your mouth about this in the cafe and the email was from…you checked your phone again, noting the timestamp of 12:33 PM.

Around the time you were in the cafe. 

No one was even looking at you in the library, everyone that was there resided at their little tables or cubicles with friends; trying to conceal hard laughs even though this was a quiet zone. 

You made the trek back to your table. But as you did, your heart thumped a little harder in your chest, unsure of what to make of it. This was fucking weird. 

Granted, the notes didn’t feel personal. It was like someone just meticulously planned it out just so they wouldn’t be confused. Fortunately, that was just enough for you to be glad. Anything would help at this point. 

As you sat back down at your table, you further inspected the booklet for anything that might’ve been an indicator of…anything. You didn’t recognize the handwriting, no you knew wrote like this. The letters fit perfectly within the lines, almost robotic. The symbols being done perfectly as well, they must’ve tried a few times to get that right, so meticulous.

It was freaky. 

But there was nothing to do at this point but use them. I mean someone, whether it be a stalker, eavesdropper, divine entity, who knows, gave them to you for a reason. 

With that being said, you pulled out your tablet with your GoodNotes and got to studying.

You passed your next test with a 83.

—

The following weekend, you walked around the university football field as there was a kickback that you were invited to. 

To this day, you don’t know why the Dean even put this much trust in your class to not drink on campus. The whole setup was a goldmine for rule-breaking: dim lighting, loud ass music (your heart ached for the residents), and ever-so-convenient lack of supervision. But really there was no point, y’all were adults and well beyond or just now of drinking age.

The field was alive with activity—groups of people were already laughing, life or death games of beer pong, even a few ambitious souls were already drunk. Nonetheless, the pumpkin spice candles were doing their best to smother the scent of alcohol.

At this moment, the friends you came here with were only mildly plastered and dealing with the varying drunk personalities on top of the loud music was entirely too overwhelming for your liking. You didn’t feel comfortable getting drunk at a college party and at most you’d get lightly buzzed. Tonight, you just weren’t in the mood for drinking but a little fun wouldn’t hurt. 

The field was lit with warm orange and yellow lanterns as they were strung through and across trees, tables, and posts. Creating a cozy glow against the darkened sky, it looked like half the campus was there and fortunately, the cool weather permitted those to ease into a cute little hoodie and jeans, sweats, just comfy clothing in general.

As you scanned the premises, your eyes caught a lean figure at the edge of the bleachers toward the upper part of the field. Some were scattered around that area to socialize as it was a lot quieter, just to enjoy the music but not be crushed by the drunk and humongous athletes.

Nonetheless, you weren’t shy and knew that talking to said lean figure was a gamble but fuck it. 

You squeezed through the tight bubble of inebriated adults and found yourself free and in the small, but secluded area. 

Jay, however, had his back turned to the rest of the crowd as he swiped through his phone. As he bided his time in the least stimulating section of the field, he realized that he really could’ve been doing this at home. His heart was fluttering just thinking about it now. He could’ve been watching his shows and reading that book that’s currently annotated to death on his sofa. His plush, soft, gorgeous sofa. But no, he sat on the ice-cold, steel bleachers and his ass was numbing at the lack of warmth.

His friends dragged him out to this function so that he can hopefully feel motivated to talk to people and “get laid.”

Which just sounds idiotic because what did that even mean? Get laid? Lay where? He understood the implication, of course, but the phrasing always bothered him. It was crude. Unnecessary. And more than that—it simply didn’t apply to him. Jay wasn’t interested in the shallow pursuit of meaningless hookups. Many have tried, all have failed.

Regardless of what, he knew what they really brought him for. Jay didn’t drink, if it wasn’t water or apple juice he was not for it. So of course, having him as a designated driver was the safest thing for all of them to get home. He didn’t pull off until everyone had their seatbelts fastened and he always did just the speed limit. 

Now that he was stuck, idling looking through his phone trying to find some sort of dopamine hit from a funny video. But then he feels a hand rest on his bicep to capture his attention; to which he was grateful, taps on the shoulder feel funny. 

Then, he turned to see a little ole you, water bottle and curly hair in tow—sitting just above your collarbone. “Hey, loner,”

Jay stared at her for a beat as he shifted his phone to his other hand, then his back pocket. “Hi.”

You smiled, tilting your head. “Damn, just a ‘hi?’” 

He blinked. “You greeted me, I acknowledged it.”

Clearly amused, you shook your head with a laugh before sitting next to him on the bleachers. Your body heat radiating off of you and onto him, which despite his better judgment he needed a lot more than he would tell you. “What are you even doing out here? I didn’t think this was your scene.”

He sipped the water bottle that he had been sipping since he sat down. At this point it was pretty empty, only one good sip left. “It’s not, my friends used me. DD.”

You nodded knowingly, “Mmm…sounds like them.”

Jay hummed in agreement, rolling the near-empty water bottle between his hands. He could hear the bass of whatever song was playing pounding from the speakers across the field, the occasional drunken cheer rising above it. The whole scene felt like something he was watching from the outside, never quite a part of.

You, however, leaned back, stretching your legs out in front of you like you had no problem settling in. “You know that you could’ve said no.”

He scoffed lightly. “Right. Because that would’ve stopped them.”

“True,” you admitted with a grin. “They can be kinda relentless.”

Jay didn’t respond, but something about the way you said kinda made him side-eye you. Like you didn’t mind the persistence. Like you even liked it. Liked that your friends were all over the place, you thrive on it. 

You nudged his knee with yours. “How are classes?”

He sighed. “Fine.”

“How are the friends?”

“Fine.”

You squinted at him. “Are you okay?”

Jay narrowed his eyes. “Are you okay?”

At that, you burst out laughing, throwing your head back. “Oh my God,” you gasped between giggles, shaking your head. “Talking to you is so hard.”

Jay just watched you, his expression unreadable. He wasn’t sure why people kept saying that. He answered every question, didn’t he? It wasn’t his fault the questions weren’t interesting. You exhaled, shaking your head with a lingering smile before standing up. “Alright, well, have fun, Jay. I’ll see you around, yeah?”

Jay nodded once, but you were already walking off, disappearing back into the thick of the crowd.

He stared after you for a second longer than he meant to, then looked down to see the water bottle you left. Completely unopened and sealed left in the space that was between you. He sighed, cracking it open with a small click before downing his first sip.

—

The professor’s voice drifts in and out of focus as you stare at the half-filled page of notes on your laptop. Your mind keeps wandering back to the weekend, to Jay. You’re not sure what it was about the brief conversation you had with him—well, more like the awkward attempt at a conversation—but you can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to him than he lets on.

He’s so…different. Not in a bad way, just in a way you can’t quite put your finger on. And something about the way he responds, or rather, doesn’t respond, to the usual social cues keeps you intrigued. There’s a part of you that wonders if it’s your own curiosity that’s pushing you to know more, but then you think back to how he seemed almost...relieved when you left. Maybe you’re overthinking it, maybe not.

Jay was an enigma, something that you needed to get a grip on to understand. Everything about him was meticulous, not one detail too big, nor one too small. But a part of him almost seemed unnerving. 

He was so conscious of everything that he did. 

You’re snapped out of your thoughts when the professor announces the new assignment, his voice cutting through the murmur of students’ whispers.

“Write about someone you’re in proximity to but know absolutely nothing about,” he says, making eye contact with a few of the students in the back. “Find the story in someone you haven’t taken the time to understand yet. Write about what’s compelling, what’s mysterious—even if you know nothing about their life.”

A pause. Then, a slow smile creeps onto your face.

This is it.

You almost laugh out loud at the irony. You’ve been trying to figure Jay out for the past forever it seemed like, and now, here’s your chance to put it all to paper. It feels almost too perfect. Divine intervention, maybe? You tap the pen against your notebook, already imagining how you’d approach it. The awkwardness of your previous exchange, the layers to his personality you’ve yet to peel back. He’s not easy to read, but that’s exactly what makes him fascinating.

You’ll have to get closer, though. You don’t even know where to start with someone like him. Still, the challenge excites you. It’s almost like this assignment was meant to be. Jay, the one person who’s always on the edge of your thoughts.

You scampered out of class, in a way better mood than you were when you were in there. This had to be a dream, there’s no way that the universe just put this whole thing on a silver platter for you. Like this had to be a joke. 

Wandering out of the liberal arts building, you texted the group chat that you had with Sunghoon, Jake, Jay, and Heeseung. You need to get a hold of at least one of them now. 

you: wya?

heeseung <3 : dining hall, we just got here tho

jake <3: slide

you: bet

 omw rn

—

“Please,”

“I said no.” 

“Please, I swear I won’t be annoying. Like I promise—”

“You’re doing that right now.”

Of course begging this man—or any man—at 10 in the morning wasn’t on your vision board for the semester. But as you sat in this semi-densely packed dining hall, with three other eyes on you, you knew you had to pull this off so you didn’t look stupid. And you hated looking stupid.

“C’mon, Jay.” Heeseung said, grinning as he leaned back into his chair, enjoying the spectacle. 

Jay, however, was unimpressed. He barely looked up from his bowl, methodically stirring the remnants of his cereal. “It’s weird,” he muttered.

You groaned, resisting the urge to dramatically collapse onto the table. “It’s not weird! It’s a journalism assignment. Please? I need this for my GPA, this would really help me as long as it’s something good.”

He chewed firmly on his raisin bran, exactly one cup as always. “Your grade point average has nothing to do with me and isn’t my responsibility.” 

Jake let out a low whistle. “Ouch.”

You shot him a glare before turning back to Jay, determined not to let this go. “Okay, sure, technically it’s not your responsibility, but think of it as...a good deed. A community service moment.”

Jay shook his head, “You can literally pick anyone else, I cannot be that interesting.”

You smiled as you gestured to him, “That’s exactly what makes you interesting. Just think about it, the assignment is to write about someone I’m close to but know nothing about. I can tell you a whole thing about these fuckers—” You point to the other boys that surrounded you and him; your comment only elicited ‘boo’s’ and balled up napkins being thrown at your head; as expected. “But Jay, I’ve had your phone number, seen you at least 8 times a week for three years, we are in a group chat together. And yet, we’ve never had a conversation that lasted more—this is our longest conversation.” Your eyes bulged as you tried to get through to him. “You are my perfect subject.” You folded your hands together hopefully.

Jay exhaled through his nose, barely reacting to your dramatic plea. He didn’t look convinced, but he also hadn’t shut you down yet, which meant you still had a shot.

But as you sat there, hands folded as you pleaded with him to let him be your subject, he couldn’t help but actually feel bad for you. Funnily enough, he knew you needed this. He knew—given the math situation that you needed all of the help you could get. That at least if you failed math, maybe getting a good grade for this assignment could give you some wiggle room to not flunk and lose your cheer scholarship that you worked your ass off to get. 

The look on your face reeked of desperation and a part of him found it funny, also partially attractive that you’re so willing to beg and plead your case as to how much you needed him. But he wouldn’t dare to say that aloud; he had some sort of couth.

But he felt that sickly, disgusting twisty feeling in his stomach at the way you looked at him, like you needed him. The way you said “my perfect subject.” Not just a perfect or the perfect subject. He was your perfect subject. 

He hated the way he noticed the detail.

Even more so, he hated the way that the deepest, darkest part of him couldn’t let him say no to you.

“You’re making a weird argument,” he said flatly, stirring his cereal. “The fact that we don’t talk much should mean you don’t pick me.” He opened his mouth, for once—hesitating before speaking. To which you took notice and perked up in excitement, but covered your mouth with your conjoined hands. Afraid of putting him off even further. 

Jay sighed, dragging his spoon through his cereal as if stalling. “If I say yes, you’re not gonna make this weird, right?”

You gasped, pressing a hand to your chest. “I would never make this weird.”

Sunghoon scoffed. “You’re literally making it weird right now.”

You shot him a quick glare before turning back to Jay. “I’ll be professional. Completely journalist mode. Objective, unbiased, purely academic.” You held up three fingers like a scout pledge. “You won’t even know I’m there.”

Jay arched his brow. “That’s actually worse.”

“Jay…” You half-whined, half-sighed with resignation.

Oh, and the way you said his name. 

“Okay. I’ll do it.” He ran a hand through his hair, exhaling like he was signing his life away.

Your face lit up instantly, your hands slamming against the table in excitement. “Wait, for real?”

“What’s for real?” He looked, with furrowed brows.

The group—sans you—collectively let out a groan. You were too happy to judge him right now. “I mean, are you actually going to help me?”

“I said yes, didn’t I?” 

That was more than enough for you.

—

You woke up with a little pep in your step, the sun was shining, birds chirping, and your skin was glowing. Fortunately enough for the sake of your assignment, your other professors gave you the week for your research and observation of Jay. Of course, when you came back you had to catch up but you had to take your wins while you could get them. 

As you walked out of your dorm and embraced the crisp air, you put on your headphones to fully dive into the fall weather that you were having. You and Jay both agreed to meet at the cafe but you decided to show up a little earlier to set up your things and whatnot.

You entered the student run cafe and quietly greeted everyone behind the counter as you found a booth in a quiet corner; hopefully something that will make Jay comfortable, some privacy maybe.

Plopping down into the booth with a grunt, you gleefully pull out your laptop to open up a blank document for you to type on right beside one with questions that you’ve prepared. Then you dug in your bag for a folder with some other papers and set them on the table. Resting them on top of the folder as you were afraid of the table not being clean and staining the paper. 

Luckily, Jay arrived at the exact time that you agreed upon. Which is just like him, never too early nor late but just on time. “Hello,” he said plainly as he sat down across from you. 

“Good afternoon, Mr. Park.” You smiled, leaning your elbows on the table and resting your chin in your hands. 

He furrowed his brow, “Since when do you speak to me this way?”

“Since I promised that I would maintain my professionalism to not make you uncomfortable.” You nodded affirmatively, “So if this is what it takes to make you feel as safe as possible then I’ll do what I can.”

Jay gave you a flat look, “That actually makes me more uncomfortable.”

You stifled a laugh, leaning back to neutral position. “Duly noted.”

Leaning back, Jay glanced down at the assortment of papers, your open laptop, and the neatly placed folder. “You’re really taking this seriously, huh?”

You huffed, crossing your arms. “I have to. It’s my grade, and you’re a particularly difficult subject.”

He tilted his head, “How so?”

Sighing, you cross your legs beneath the table. “You don’t talk. But that’s gonna change today.” You say bluntly, picking up a pen.

Jay sighed, shifting in his seat. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

You sat up a little straighter. “Great. So before we start, let’s go over some ground rules.” You pushed the papers toward him. “I made a rough outline of what this project is going to look like—structured interviews, observational research, some candid moments here and there. Nothing too invasive, but I need you to be honest with me.”

Jay picked up the paper, skimming it with mild interest. “And if I refuse to answer something?”

You shrugged. “You can pass, but you have to give me something to work with.”

“Fine,” he muttered, setting the paper down. “What else?”

“I also want to set some boundaries,” you continued. “If there’s anything you don’t want me to write about or anything that makes you uncomfortable, let me know now so I can adjust.”

Jay tapped his fingers against the table, thinking. “Just…don’t make me sound stupid.”

You blinked at him. “That’s what you’re worried about?”

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

You chuckled, shaking your head. “Duly noted, again. But please do understand that embarrassing you is not the goal here.” You put your hand on the table, to convey your openness. “The product is really going to be a reflection of me as well and if you were to look stupid then so would I. If that gives you any consolation.”

Jay exhaled through his nose, seemingly satisfied. “Alright, journalist. Fire away.”

You grinned, fingers hovering over your keyboard. “Let’s start with something…a little challenging—”

He groaned, “Already?”

You held your hands up apologetically, “I’m sorry, this one is rough but I promise it’s not that bad.” 

He nodded quietly with an—already—distressed sigh. 

Looking into his eyes with a gentle smile you say, “What’s your name?”

Surprisingly that did get a little bit of a laugh out of him. Not a loud one, but a small baby laugh. The kind of laugh where he laughs through his nose and he looks down to avoid your crinkled eyes as you doubled over the table. “That was a terrible joke.”

“But it got you to loosen up, no?” You point at him, “Look! I made you smile! Point me!” You wiggle excitedly in your seat which almost made him quirk a smile.

“Whatever,” He mumbled.

The laughter died down and you repeated your question, “Okay no seriously, what’s your name?”

“Park Jongseong, or—as you call me by my English name, Jay.” He nodded affirmatively.

You typed it out, nodding along. “Jay…got it.”

He squinted at you. “You knew that already.”

“Yeah, but I’m trying to make this official,” you said, gesturing to your laptop. “Journalist mode, remember?”

Jay rolled his eyes but didn’t argue.

“Alright,” you continued, tapping your fingers against the keyboard. “Next question—where are you from?”

He leaned back against the booth. “Born in Seattle, raised in Korea.”

You tilted your head. “Do you feel more connected to one place over the other?”

Jay hesitated, his fingers twitching slightly before he crossed his arms. “I guess Korea, since I grew up there. But I don’t really think about it that much.”

You hummed, jotting that down. “Interesting. Alright, let’s do a rapid-fire round to warm you up.”

He eyed you warily. “Define ‘rapid-fire.’”

“Easy stuff,” you assured him. “Favorite color?”

“Purple.”

“Favorite food?”

“Anything that tastes good, but mainly meat dishes.”

“Biggest pet peeve?”

He didn’t even hesitate. “Too many.”

You snorted. “Noted. Dream job?”

Jay opened his mouth, then closed it. His jaw tightened slightly before he shrugged. “Still figuring that out. But when I was a kid I wanted to be a chef.”

You smile endearingly, “That’s so cute, any reason?”

He looks around, almost like he was searching for the answer in the nooks of his brain. “Not really, I love to cook. I love food. I love to eat. So I just thought it would be a fun thing to do. I always loved helping my mom in the kitchen and those memories are nice to hold onto.”

“So, sentimental and personal value?”

He nods, “Yeah, sort of.”

You nod as you rapidly type this into the document, just as you were filling in the last bit of notes he interrupts you. “What about you?”

Your fingers stunt at the question, not expecting for him to actually care, or even ask. “What about me?”

“What did you want to be as a kid?”

You frown, “Don’t laugh.”

“You’re not that funny so I guarantee that won’t happen.” He deadpanned. 

You shoot him a glare, lips pressing into a flat line. “Wow. Thanks for that.”

Jay smirks, shrugging. “Just being honest.”

Rolling your eyes, you sigh. “Fine. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a mail carrier.”

The man tilts his head and as promised, does not laugh. “That’s stupid.”

You nodded reluctantly, fully prepared to defend yourself. “Right? But hear me out—I thought it’d be the perfect job. You get to walk around all day, wear a cute little uniform, and people are always happy to see you because you’re delivering their mail.”

Jay blinked, surprised by how sincere you sounded. “That’s…actually kind of sweet.” He fidgeted in his seat, as if he was uncomfortable by the feeling in your stomach.

You raised an eyebrow. “You just called it stupid.”

“I did,” he admitted. “But now it sounds weirdly wholesome. Like, the kind of dream a Pixar protagonist would have.”

You laughed, pointing at him. “See? You get it now.”

“No, I don’t but I see why a kid would like something like that. Very one-dimensional but…endearing so I won’t crucify you.”

You rolled your eyes, trying to suppress a laugh. “Anyway…”

Jay nods, finding himself getting too comfortable. “Yeah, yeah. What’s next?”

You glance at your list of questions, already grinning. “Let’s talk about your daily routine.”

“Okay.” He leaned back in thought. “So…I wake up and am out of bed at exactly 9 AM. From there I do the typical, brush my teeth and wash my face. 9:19, I get dressed…then at 9:28 I—”

And as he rambled on about this rigid routine and you sat there in shock, almost gobsmacked at how much of a stick in the mud this guy was. Like holy fuck, is there any joy in his life?

“Then I spray my cologne at exactly 9:28 because it’s the perfect time to balance out the scent before I head out the door.” Jay continued, completely unaware of the disbelief that was likely written all over your face.

Letting out an incredulous laugh, trying to wrap your mind around this. “Woah, woah, woah…so you’re telling me you have this entire routine mapped down to the exact minute?”

“Is that bad?” Jay looked as if you were stupid or said something ridiculous. You caught yourself quickly, trying to do everything in the world to not make him go back into his shell and retract. “No! It’s not at all just…I didn’t expect for you to have so much discipline.”

He shook his head, “You say that as if everyone doesn’t have a routine.” From the look on his face, it was another moment of him just not being able to wrap his own mind around how you would think something like this is wild.

“Everyone has some sort of routine or regimen, but that? Jay, it’s like you’re in the military or something.” You smiled.

“Are you jealous?” He tilted his head, completely oblivious to how weird that sounded, though you were only slightly taken aback. You weren’t used to his blatant honesty yet but, baby steps.

“Very much so, actually.” You nodded curtly as you turned to your laptop to type some more information on there for your draft. “It takes me like an hour to get out of bed.”

Jay doesn’t reply but just suppresses a smile as he nods, he doesn’t judge you completely but for someone like him, he urgently needs some sort of structure. It simply gives him peace of mind and there’s nothing that makes him feel more secure than following his solid regimen. Sure, others would call him strict, anal-retentive, literally insane but if that’s the case then so be it!

“But for now, the last question.” You smile as you finish typing some more, “What is something that you’ve always wanted to do?”

“Nothing. I’ve done everything that I’ve wanted to do already.” He replies back almost immediately. 

“Everything?” You deadpanned, “There’s nothing that you want to do right now?”

He pursed his lips as he slowly shook his head, “Nope. I’ve seen the world, I’m fortunate enough to have given back to people that need it, I’m lucky enough to attend one of the best universities in the country.” He shrugged, “All before I’m 30.”

A part of your stomach flipped, unsure if it was from how attractive he was from the mix of arrogance and humility. But maybe…envy?

Jay, along with many other students at your university, were very wealthy and there was no denying that he lived comfortably. His father was on the Board of Directors of a world-renowned software engineering company and his mother was the Creative Director of a high-end global fashion brand. They had a wonderful marriage and Jay never had to worry about not having anything—he only had to worry about how much he was able to get. 

Granted he can’t control who his parents were, Jay knew the privilege that he held and was not ignorant to that fact. He was lucky to have a childhood with minimal trauma, great friends, a happy home, and to be attractive because he knew that privileges came with that too. 

As for you, you came from a middle class family and your childhood wasn’t entirely too bad. You were a child of divorce and your parents couldn’t stand the other, you had to share things with your siblings, and when it was time to apply for college you had to work tirelessly to earn scholarships to supplement tuition because your grades just weren’t good enough. But you weren’t stupid, you just had to find a sport to be undeniable in, so by the grace of everything good your parents put you and your younger sister in cheer when you were kids. She found other things and ventured off while you stuck with cheer. Now here you are at Decelis University on a full ride.

But that didn’t come easily. Serious groveling was involved.

So as Jay spoke about how he’s lived a life of travel, charity, and world-class education—you only had the latter in common. And that hurt you more than you’d like to admit. 

You so utterly wished you were able to travel, use your means for good, and have parents to brag about. 

You swallowed, forcing a polite smile as you tapped your keyboard. “Right. Of course. That makes sense.”

Jay didn’t say anything, but you felt his gaze settle on you. Not sharp, not piercing—but steady. You could practically hear him analyzing your silence.

“And you?” he asked suddenly.

You blinked, surprised he even cared enough to return the question. “Me?”

He nodded once. “What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?”

You hesitated, your fingers pausing mid-gesture on the trackpad. “Honestly? I want to travel. I want to see somewhere far away. Somewhere where no one knows me.” You tried to keep your voice light, casual. “I wanna sit on a train that cuts through foggy mountains, or eat food I can’t pronounce off a plate I don’t recognize. I want to…disappear for a while.” You nodded with something distant in your gaze, as if you were on that train already. Eating that food and trying and failing to make friends with the locals.

Jay’s eyes didn’t move from yours. He didn’t offer sympathy. He didn’t soften. He just regarded you like he was simply encoding the information you were giving him, like he couldn’t relate but he was trying to understand anyway. “That’s not impossible,” he said plainly.

You waved him off but let out a smile right after. “For you? Probably not.”

Jay raised an eyebrow. “You think I didn’t work to get where I am?”

You looked at him, dry. “Did you have to beg the financial aid office for three weeks straight and pray someone lost your paperwork just so you could get more funding?”

He was quiet again. And then, “No.”

You turned back to your laptop. “Exactly.”

Jay didn’t apologize. He didn’t offer a solution. He just leaned back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest.

“Then maybe you should get better at begging.”

You froze.

It wasn’t said with malice. He wasn’t being cruel. But still—it hit like a slap. Cold, clean, and sharp enough to draw blood.

You blinked down at your laptop, suddenly unable to see the screen clearly. Your throat tightened and a piercing rush of fury made haste to your stomach.

“…Right.” You said it lightly. Like it didn’t matter. Like you weren’t already replaying the words in your head on loop, wondering if he meant them as an insult or advice or some strange mixture of both.

Jay shifted slightly in his seat. If he noticed the change in your tone, he didn’t say anything. He just went quiet again—returning to that wall of silence you’d gotten so used to at the beginning.

And just like that, you were reminded exactly why you never talked about stuff like this with people like him.

—

Later that night, Jay along with the guys—sans Heeseung, he was out on a date with his current girlfriend—along with their freshman friend, Jungwon, were playing Fortnite.

As Jay sat in his bedroom, eyeing his PC with his blue-light glasses, he heard muffled swears and screaming through his headphones as one of them was downed. “Yo Jay, revive me, what the fuck!” Jake yelled into the mic as he was downed during a gunfight. 

Jay instinctively hit the key combo to crouch and build cover, shielding Jake’s fallen avatar as bullets whizzed past them.

“You’re too far out,” Jay muttered, reviving him anyway. “You always do this. Every time.”

“Bro, just say you love me and go,” Jake huffed.

“He’s not gonna say that,” Sunghoon laughed. “Jay probably hasn’t said ‘I love you’ since he was, like, six.”

“I say it when I mean it,” Jay replied coolly, tone dry as ever.

“Oh, so never,” Jungwon piped in, and the rest of the guys lost it.

Jay rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching upward. “Focus up. We’re top twenty.”

But just as he adjusted in his seat, Jake broke the flow again. “Wait—how’d that interview go earlier? You were with my girl for a minute.”

Jay deadpanned, “She’s not your girl, she doesn’t like you. She’s rejected you multiple times, she will never want you. Ever, in your life.” He concealed a smile, trying not to laugh at his own cruelty.

The call went silent then Sunghoon and Jungwon ended up bursting into their own laughter. Jungwon’s being the loudest of course. 

Jake smiled too, trying to seal his laughs as well—though he was defeated. “Shut up! She’ll come around one day.”

Jay adjusted his headset, the smirk still tugging at his lips. “Sure, bro. Just keep telling yourself that.”

“Nah, I’m serious,” Jake said through a laugh. “Girls love the long game. I’m just giving her time to realize I’m the love of her life.”

Sunghoon snorted. “More like time to block your number.”

“Or file a restraining order,” Jungwon chimed in, wheezing.

Jake gasped dramatically. “I would never harass! I’m a gentleman.”

Jay hummed, casually looting a nearby chest. “A gentleman wouldn’t call her ‘my girl’ when she’s clearly not interested.”

Jake exhaled, letting the teasing roll off. “Alright, alright. Point made. How’d it go though? Actually.”

Jay leaned back slightly, eyes narrowing on the screen like he was thinking more about earlier than the game. “It went fine.”

“Just fine? You were with her for hours.” Sunghoon inquired, looting in one of the bunkers they arrived at just in time. 

Jungwon followed suit as he axed at some gold, “Wait, what girl are we talking about?”

Jay said your name blankly, eyes still very glued to the screen as he came out of the bunker and got in the car to drive them across the map.

Jungwon’s eyes widened, “The cheerleader? The captain?” He hopped out of the car to shoot other stragglers behind some trees. “Bro, she’s so fine.”

Jake perked up, “I’m telling you! I’ve been saying this for years!” He knocked an opponent and immediately went to shoot at his teammate.

Jay’s eyes, still not leaving the screen as he muttered, “She’s alright.”

Sunghoon laughed, “You’re trippin’, that girl could tell me to bend over and I’d do it yesterday.”

The boy in glasses furrowed his brows, “I’m not tripping over anything. I’m sitting down, what are you talking about? And Hoon, are you alright?”

“You piss me off…” Jungwon sighed. “And yeah, that was crazy. Valid, but crazy.”

Jake laughed, “Trippin’ as in, you’re crazy. Losing your mind. What you said or did doesn’t make sense.”

Jay snorted, adjusting his loadout as he drove past an enemy squad without flinching. “That sounds stupid as fuck. But, okay I get it. I just don’t agree.”

“You’re telling me,” Jake said, incredulous, “that you sat across from her for all that time and didn’t once think she was hot?”

Jay shrugged. “Didn’t say that. I said she’s alright.”

“Oh my God,” Jungwon muttered. “You’re lying through your teeth.”

“I’m not,” Jay insisted, swerving the car expertly through an ambush. “She’s highly intelligent. Thorough. Articulate. Actually listens when you talk. But yeah—sure. The first thing you focus on is that cheer skirt.”

Despite the fact that was in fact lying through his teeth, Jay found you incredibly attractive and there was no denying that. But he wouldn’t dare admit it because then that would make it seem real. He respected you, a whole lot more than one would think. And the fact that he was so quick to defend you in this instance made him cringe at the thought, but satisfied that he stood for something in the name of you.

Jake gasped again. “How dare you reduce me to a stereotype!”

Sunghoon barked a laugh. “You are a stereotype.”

Jake ignored him. “But wait, what was the vibe though? Like, did y’all actually talk or was it just, like, all questions and shit?”

Jay hesitated, the car slowing slightly as the storm closed in around the map’s edges. “She just asked questions about me.” He shrugged, “my life, what I want to do, the things I’ve always wanted to do, et cetera.” 

“And…you said?” Jungwon pried.

“I just answered her questions, but it got weird on the last one.” 

Jake narrowed his eyes, even though Jay couldn’t see it. “What was the last one?”

Jay scratched the side of his neck, still focused on the screen. “She asked me what I’ve always wanted to do. So I told her the truth. That I’ve done most of it already—travel, service, the academic stuff.”

Sunghoon hummed. “Okay,”

Jay ignored him. “But then I asked her the same question. And she said she wants to disappear.”

“Disappear?” Jungwon echoed, his voice dipping.

“Not in a scary way,” Jay clarified quickly. “Just…like go somewhere far. Somewhere no one knows her. Ride trains. Be unrecognizable for a while. Just be somewhere new.”

Jake went quiet, his fingers pausing over his keys. “That’s…actually pretty cool.”

Jay nodded once. “She meant it too. Said it like she’s been dreaming about it for years.”

“And what’d you say?” Sunghoon asked, a little more gently now.

Jay sighed, his voice getting quieter. “I said that’s not impossible. That if she really wanted it, she could do it.”

Jungwon blinked. “Okay, not the worst response—”

“But then she waved me off and was like ‘for you, probably not.’” He reflected as he leaned back against the back of his chair. “And I took it a little personally and assumed that she thought that I didn’t work for what I have.”

“Oh no…” Sunghoon groaned, already smelling something negative from a mile away. He knew how Jay got at times, he genuinely didn’t—and still doesn’t—know how to talk to people. It’s not like he means to be this way, but it just takes him time to warm up to people. If it’s not his family or his friends—that he’s known for the last twenty years—then he really doesn’t know how to navigate emotional nuance. Jay’s not cruel, not cold, but he’s clinical. Methodical. He speaks in facts and solutions. And sometimes, that means he ends up sounding like a dick when he doesn’t mean to.

“Then she said that wasn’t what she meant but then asked me if I ever had to beg financial aid for more money. I, obviously, said no. But then I told her that she should get better at begging then.” He sighed. 

“Oh, you’re shitty.” Sunghoon laughed as he rubbed his eyes, groaning. “Dude, why would you say that?”

“I don’t know!” Jay snapped, a little defensive, but mostly just frustrated with himself. “It came out before I could stop it. I didn’t mean it like that.”

Jake winced. “You told a scholarship student to get better at begging. Like she hasn’t already had to do that a hundred times.”

Jay dragged a hand through his hair, clearly regretting everything. “It was supposed to be a joke—like, a dry one. I thought she’d get that I wasn’t being serious.”

“She’s not one of us, Jay,” Jungwon said, unusually pointed. “She doesn’t know your humor. And even if she did, that’s not funny.”

“Yeah bro, she’s a girl, you can’t talk to her like she’s a fucking man.” Jake said, trying to lighten the mood but still firm. “Like, guys are different, we can take jabs and laughs, but with girls...you can’t just throw shit like that around.”

Jay paused, processing. “What does gender have to do with this?”

Jake leaned back in his chair, exhaling like it was obvious. “It’s just how it is, man. Girls already hate men as is. I curse at you, call you names, sure, but I would never say any of those things to a woman, ever.” He shook his head as he leaned back into his chair. “It’s also a respect thing too.”

Jay frowned, his brow furrowing. “I don’t think that’s about gender. If anything, I’ve known you for years. If I can take shit from you, she should be able to handle a dry comment. You guys joke with her all the time.”

Jake shook his head. “You don’t get it, dude. Like, you see how I curse at you? Call you a dumbass every other minute? I know you don’t take it personally, but if I said some of that stuff to a girl, she’d think I was being an asshole, not just joking around. It’s different.” He perked up, making his final point. “Also, the way you talk to her—when you rarely do—is like you can’t stand her already so how do you think she’d take that?”

Sunghoon chimed in, his voice light but understanding. “Exactly, man. You’ve got this wall of sarcasm, and some people—especially if they don’t know you well—can’t see it as anything but you just being a dickhead. She probably heard that, and it didn’t feel like a joke.”

“I don’t even think it’s that, it’s the fact that she was vulnerable enough to be real with you and you just shit on her.” Jungwon said idly, landing the last shot before winning a victory royale for the squad.

Jay sighed, “Yeah, I don’t feel great about it.”

“Good. You can actually feel something other than disdain and dejection for once.” Sunghoon said as he bit his apple and tapped on his desk.

“Those are big words for Elmo,” Jay muttered, half under his breath as he reached for his water bottle.

Sunghoon rolled his eyes, unimpressed. “You see what I mean? That’s exactly the shit I’m talking about. You deflect everything with sarcasm.”

Jake pointed at his screen. “And that’s cute when we’re roasting each other during a game, but when someone’s opening up to you…”

Jay swirled his water bottle before taking a sip. “I’m not trying to be an asshole. I just…don’t always know what to say.”

“We know,” Jungwon said, cracking his knuckles. “That’s why we’re saying think next time. She wasn’t trying to play you or be dramatic. She was sharing something real, and you basically made a joke out of it.”

Jay was quiet for a second too long. His screen dimmed slightly, signaling how still he’d gotten. 

Jake noticed the silence and took the opportunity to cut the tension. “Anyway,” he said, stretching in his chair, “she’s still bad as hell though.”

Sunghoon laughed. “Dude, facts. Like, no offense to your emotional growth or whatever, Jay, but she’s gorgeous.”

“Deadass,” Jungwon chimed in. “When she walks by in that uniform? Everything drops. My jaw, my heart, my stomach, my GPA, my balls—”

Jay interjected, returning to the conversation. “I said she’s alright.”

The call fell silent for a beat.

“…Are you gay?” Jake asked bluntly.

Jay blinked. “What?”

“Like, respectfully,” Jake said, leaning forward. “You just said she’s alright and not, like, ethereal, which is a crazy take.”

“Right,” Sunghoon nodded. “Like, it’s okay if you are. Just tell us now so we stop wasting time setting you up with every fine girl we meet.”

Jay stared at his screen, unamused. “I’m not gay.”

“You sure?” Jungwon teased. “Because saying she’s just ‘alright’ when she looks like that is wild.”

Jay sighed. “I’m just not interested in her like that.”

Jake leaned into the mic, grinning. “So you admit she’s fine, though?”

Jay hesitated, then exhaled sharply. “I acknowledge she is conventionally attractive, sure.”

Sunghoon snorted. “You sound like Siri.”

“I’m just saying,” Jay shrugged, sipping his water again. “I’m not blind. I just don’t base my entire personality around girls I’ve never had a conversation with.”

Jake clutched his chest. “I have had conversations with her—”

“She called you delusional to your face,” Jay deadpanned.

“And I respect her honesty!” Jake defended.

Sunghoon pointed out, “There’s a lot to like, Jay.” He nods affirmatively, “Once you get to know her, she’s so sweet. She’s a great girl.”

Jay deadpanned, “So why don’t you date her then?”

“Because he knows not to play with me.” Jake said passively as he stood up to stretch. 

Jungwon rolled his eyes, “Shut the fuck up, bro.”

Jake scoffed as he twisted at the waist, cracking his back. “She wants me and you know it. You’re just mad because I don’t fumble every conversation I have with her.”

Jay didn’t even look up. “You fumble every other one though.”

Sunghoon wheezed. “He’s got you there, man.”

Jake put his hands on his hips, mock offended. “You’re just jealous because when she talks to me, she laughs. You get ‘that’s not what I meant’ and a pity smile.”

Jay blinked slowly. “But she’s also the one that really wants to be my friend so…”

“Okay,” Jungwon interrupted, dragging his chair closer to the screen. “We’re spiraling. Let’s just agree none of us are winning with her right now.”

“I am,” Jake said under his breath.

“Bro, shut the fuck up,” all three of them said in unison.

Jake raised his hands in surrender, a smug grin spreading across his face. “Just saying. Some of us have charm.”

Jay looked dead at his screen, monotone. “You’re wearing a Naruto headband.”

Jake held it up proudly. “And I still get more girls than you.”

Jay smiled, “That’s by choice.” He laughed, “Believe me,”

Jake’s jaw dropped. “Nah, bro, be serious. You haven’t had a proper crush since we were fifteen.”

Jay leaned back, utterly unbothered. “That’s because I have taste. And standards.”

“Oh my God,” Jungwon muttered, rubbing his temples. “Here we go.”

Jake was not letting it go. “What, so every girl I’ve liked is beneath your standards now?”

Jay shrugged. “I didn’t say it. You did.”

Sunghoon laughed, wheezing now. “This man really thinks he’s better than the rest of us just because he’s emotionally constipated.”

“I’m selective,” Jay corrected, folding his arms.

“You’re allergic to joy,” Jungwon said flatly.

Jay pointed. “Selective.”

Jake crossed his arms. “Alright, selective—so what’s the deal with you and her then?”

Jay blinked. “What deal?”

Jake leaned forward, grinning now. “You think she’s pretty?”

Jay paused for a half-second too long. “She’s…alright.”

The silence was deafening.

Sunghoon leaned toward the mic, deadpan. “Do you like men?”

Jay didn’t even flinch. “Only your dad.”

—

So in some weird, fucked up way, after that meeting your life has seemed to spiral even more. 

It’s only been two days since, and while you had to return back to class soon—you hadn’t even looked Jay in the eye since. And respectfully so. 

But it’s like he just put some weird curse on your life. Your hair has been frizzy, the gel in your wash and go was giving out which resulted in you having to slick it back. Which wasn’t bad, it just meant you had to put extra time into your appearance—which means you have to get up earlier—and gel is not cheap!

You’ve been having cramps because your period has come back with a vengeance, it’s been raining, and to make matters worse…your laptop gave out. 

Was the laptop like ten years old? Yes, but that’s not the point as if she couldn’t wait to give out at a better time? 

Luckily, all of your files and anything worth keeping were all saved on cloud. But besides your phone and tablet, you had no convenient device to access them on. And it wasn’t like you could just get up and buy a new one. Money was tight at home right now and you weren’t going to have a job until the upcoming summer. Which even then, still wouldn’t give you enough money for another computer.

So as you sat at your desk in your dorm, hands shaking over your laptop keyboard as you eyeballed the blacked out screen—you pondered what the bond for an arson offense would be. 

Your chest heaved as your head grew tight, tears threatening to release tears as you quickly grabbed your phone. You needed to let this out.

you: are y’all at the dorm?

sunghoon <3: yeah why?

heeseungie <3: mhm

jakey <3: yes beloved

jay: no, at my place

you: ok well besides jay, everyone evacuate

blowing up this entire campus rn, me included

sunghoon <3: ?????

heeseungie <3: um ???

jakey <3: HELLO ??/1!1!/1/??

you: me included

EVERYBODYS dying bro idc

heeseung <3: what happened kiddo?

you: bro my fkn laptop is GONE

like not working

dead

conked out

DONE-ZO

NIENTE

jakey <3: wasn’t she like rly old tho??

you: that’s not the point

the point is that I NEED HER NOW MORE THAN EVER BRUH LIKE WTF ????

ngl this has not been my week

sunghoon <3: yeah that’s gotta suck omg i’m so sorry

heeseungie <3: no fr like if i had an extra one or something i would seriously give it to you

jakey <3: yes srsly i’m so sorry love

jay: does this mean our sessions are over?

you: yes for now, i have to speak to my professor and ask for an extension or some accommodation for rn

guess ur off the hook for a while, i’ll just let u know

jakey <3: i mean you could always use my laptop when you need to

you: oh thanks jake

jakey <3: you just gotta come over to my dorm to get it tho

you: i am going to put my hands on you

jakey <3: i’d actually really like that

heeseungie <3: you just…

—

It took everything in Jay’s power to not bust a gut in this situation. It was almost pathetic really, like this was laughable. He had to sit there with you and the other guys as you continuously ranted about the minor inconveniences that were throwing off your routine. Your hair, the fuckass weather, him, and now your laptop.

And maybe that’s what made it so funny. That you were actually stressed. Not in the performative, “oh my god my life is ending because I chipped a nail” kind of way, but in the “I’m one inconvenience away from crying in public” kind of way. And Jay could see it in your eyes—even through the screen. The way your hands trembled around your phone. The way your voice cracked mid-rant when you started talking about your files. The way you tried to play it off with drama and threats of arson, but the bags under your eyes said you were just really fucking tired.

It was that—more than the jokes, more than the laptop, more than the insult you texted him directly—that stayed with him.

Jay wasn’t good with feelings. But he knew guilt. He knew it very well.

That night, he stared at his ceiling with one arm flung over his head and the other scrolling through his phone. His Apple store cart sat open, untouched for twenty minutes. The MacBook Air (15”, Midnight, 256GB) hovered near checkout. He added a sleeve. Then deleted it. Then added it again.

Then he opened Amazon against his better judgment, typing ‘macbook air 15 inch case’ into the search bar. So as he perused some of the options, he saw a clear, glittery one that mirrored the one you had on your last computer. Okay, nice. Add to Cart.

 Then he caught himself looking at a bunch of stickers, some funny ones, some cute ones, some aesthetic ones, he didn’t care he just added all of them. Add. Add. Add. Then purchased them quickly then switched back to the Apple page and added the extra annual eighty dollars for insurance and pressed buy without a second thought. Labeling both orders as gifts so he could avoid putting his name.

“I’m not doing this because I feel bad,” he muttered to himself. “I’m doing this because…she needs it. That’s it.”

The confirmation email popped into his inbox a few seconds later, notifying him that both orders would be in your P.O. box in two days. 

He didn’t say anything to the group the next day. Just went to class like normal. Looked right through you when you walked into lecture, wet hair tied up, hoodie swallowing your shoulders. He watched as you opened your notebook and used your tablet to follow along with the slides on the projector screen.

And the whole time, he said nothing.

—

You didn’t check your P.O. box until late that evening. You only stopped by because the notification wouldn’t stop popping up on your phone and you thought it was maybe a bill or another random spam from that shitty Mediterranean place off campus.

Confusion, the expression on your face as you got two slips for your box and brought two different packages back to your room. You don’t recall ordering anything this size but you just chalked it up to the seller not having small enough boxes to fit your skincare into.

So when your eyes laid on a thin, sleek white box with a fraction of its logo out of it…your stomach dropped. As well as a sleeve.

You scrambled to the other box to open it, seeing a boatload of stickers, a case, and everything else. The air around you shifted, what the fuck. 

Tears misted your eyes as you scanned for a note, something, any indicator of this not being a fluke. Fortunately for you, a note was printed in the package with the stickers and case:

first math notes, now a laptop?

whatever happened to hello, my name is…?

well let me start, my name is

— a friend

p.s. the laptop is insured. if anything happens to it, just give it to them under your name.

You didn’t know whether to be creeped out and deeply troubled or appreciative and suddenly in love? For someone who threatened arson and assault on a trusted friend, you weren’t exactly within your right mind and that’s okay!

But despite feeling scared—you were going to worry about that later—your chest convulsed a bit as you sat down at your desk. Tears biting at your eyes and eventually giving way to the oncoming ones. 

You wanted to leave the tears to your period, or maybe even the mild seasonal depression. But this was truly surreal, again creepy, but surreal. 

This might sound super dramatic—hello, if not then what are we even here for—but you sobbed, hands shaking as you hugged the laptop to your chest. Your forehead resting on your desk as tears pooled onto the surface. 

You didn’t know who to thank. The universe? God? Allah? Buddha? Your ancestors? Whoever it was to thank for sending this mystery person into your life that so obviously had the means to help you in such an urgency and dire situation.

Your whole life was this laptop, it had stuck with you through part of middle school, high school, the first two and half years of college and you hadn’t really known how much it had meant to you until you didn’t have it anymore.

For now, you weren’t going to focus on who did it. Just the moment and the gratitude of your problem being solved. 

Small—well—Major victories.

—

After time had set in, you had time to rest and recalibrate. Having this time for yourself definitely helped alleviate the stress. 

With this, though, you started to make sense of things. 

The only person you had even told about your struggles in math were your mother. No one else as you didn’t want anyone to think you were stupid for being in danger of failing. Academic insecurities, they’re never rational. As if you’re the only person in the world to be bad at math.

Then, you had only told your Flower-4 about the laptop situation. 

Nothing made sense. There were major discrepancies in this. When you had told your mom about your math quarrel, you were in a public place where anyone could’ve seen or heard you. Okay, whatever. But there is something to note that you definitely do need to scan the places you walked into from now on. 

Plus, the laptop thing happened so quickly that you didn’t even have time to complain about it for long before there was a new one in your hands. But clearly this was the same person.

Despite that, you loved your new computer. It was nice, sleek, slim, a lot faster than the last one and that was a major step up. Plus, at least it was insured. You kept open beverages too close to your electronics more than you’d like to admit. 

You sat in the courtyard at some random table as you typed away on your new device. The weather had been better the past few days and you decided to take advantage of the cool weather. So here you were, hoodie and sweats in tow, hunched over your laptop as you hurried to catch up on the work you had put off the last two days. The wind blew your coily hair all kinds of ways so you just put it up and out of the way for the time being. 

Blasting music in your headphones, you couldn’t hear a thing and that was more than enough reason for you to lock in on your assignments. Until you felt a tap on your shoulder and saw someone plop down at the chair right across from you.

“Good morning, gorgeous.” The annoyingly attractive Jake sat with a smile that shone the light of a thousand suns. 

You let out a small laugh as you moved one of your ear pads to the side so you could hear him. “Hi, Jake.”

“How are y—Woah!” He leaned in closer to inspect your shiny new toy. “When did you get this? I thought you were assed out!”

Jake was nothing if not nosy, and as much as you loved him as an older brother—only a few months difference—you could not bring yourself to be real with him right now. Unless he was the culprit, a culprit wouldn’t act as surprised as he was now. He’s such a transparent person that anyone could tell if he was lying, it didn’t take much. 

Not to mention, you really didn’t want anyone having eyes and ears on this until you knew for sure what was going on yourself. 

“I thought so too. But I just had to dip into my savings.” You sighed as you peered up at him. 

“Damn,” Jake said, leaning back with a low whistle. “That’s kind of...wow. This thing’s beautiful. Is that a matte finish?”

You hummed noncommittally, already returning to your screen in an effort to change the subject. “Yeah. It’s...nice.”

But he didn’t drop it. Of course he didn’t.

Jake tilted his head, watching you type with narrowed eyes. “Wait, so you bought this, like, yesterday?”

“Day before.”

“And had it shipped that fast with a custom case and glitter stickers?”

You didn’t answer fast enough.

He blinked. “Yo. That’s...kind of a lot for someone who was mourning her last laptop like a dead relative.”

You shot him a dry look. “What, you want me to carry its ashes around?”

“No, but I do want the truth,” he said, brows raised. “Because this isn’t adding up. You don’t move like that.”

You took a slow breath through your nose. You could feel the words building in your throat, the itch to say I didn’t do this, someone else did, to say it wasn’t me—but I don’t know who to thank, and it’s killing me, but you held back.

Instead, you shrugged. “Maybe I panicked. Retail therapy and all that.”

Jake gave you a long look, then nodded slowly. “Alright. I’ll drop it.”

Jake wasn’t a good liar, I said. Never said he wouldn’t try. But you made peace with the moment you had.

“Still, I’m happy you got this situated. Seeing you mope around all day was killing my fucking vibe.” He smiled as he pulled out his phone. 

You kicked him beneath the table, “Shut up,” 

Jake winced dramatically, clutching at his shin. “Abuse. Wow. Witnessed and documented.”

“Document this,” you muttered, flipping him off with zero conviction as you refocused on your screen.

He chuckled, shaking his head as he scrolled through something on his phone, but didn’t leave. Jake was like a cat in that way—once he found a sunny spot, he’d stay there until something more interesting came along. You didn’t mind. It was comforting, having him nearby. The silence felt less loud with him in it.

A soft breeze passed through the courtyard, rustling the trees overhead, and you let it wash over you. For the first time in days, the knot in your chest didn’t feel like it was going to strangle you. The world kept turning. You had your laptop. You had your hoodie. You had Jake, annoying and radiant and grounding as ever.

But still, your fingers paused on the keyboard.

Because that didn’t mean you weren’t wondering.

It didn’t mean you weren’t thinking about him.

Not Jake.

The other him. The one you hadn’t dared to name yet.

The one whose voice lingered at the back of your mind whenever things went quiet. The one whose long, steady glances made your stomach flip. The one who you hadn’t told anything to—but somehow already knew everything.

Your eyes flicked up, scanning the courtyard out of pure instinct.

But no one was watching.

Just Jake, kicking his feet under the table and muttering to himself about a sudden scrimmage they had tomorrow morning.

Still, now you were getting paranoid and this was starting to bug you.

—

Eventually, you did have to meet with Jay again. 

Regretfully so.

The one class he had got cancelled and he really didn’t feel like driving to campus to meet you. So you had to Uber to his house which was around twenty minutes away by car. You didn’t mind, Jay sent you the money for the ride, apologizing for the inconvenience. 

Okay, someone’s probably feeling bad.

You stared down at the payment notification on your phone, thumb hovering over the screen.

It wasn’t that you were suspicious of Jay. Okay, maybe a little. But he was just...weird. Not creepy weird—just closed-off weird. Methodical. Particular. The kind of guy who would vacuum the inside of his car twice in one day because “you can never be too careful.” The kind of guy who would write down your Starbucks order with a diagram to get it right the first time.

The kind of guy who, if he had done something nice for you, would absolutely never admit it.

Still, none of it made sense. Jay was smart, sure. Quiet. Observant, sometimes to the point of unsettling. But you hadn’t told him anything. Not about the laptop, not about the math midterm stress meltdown, and definitely not about the nights you cried yourself into a spiral because everything felt like too much.

So why were you getting this itchy feeling in your chest?

You pulled your hoodie tighter around you and stepped out of the Uber when it rolled to a stop in front of his house. He’d texted the gate code already—because of course he had.

Jay opened it just as you raised your hand to knock.

His expression was blank. Not unfriendly. Just...blank. “Hey.”

“Hi.” You stepped inside, sliding off your shoes and scanning the familiar layout of his living room. “Thanks for the ride.” You placed them onto an empty spot on the rack, hoping this wouldn’t throw him off. But he didn’t seem to mind.

Despite being friend-adjacent to Jay for three years, this was the first time you had been to his home. His very contemporary, modern home. Weirdly enough, it had looked so eco-friendly and smooth on the outside but inside, the architecture and formatting was so homey. It felt like someone actually lived here but…robotically.

All you saw in your view were the meticulous details: a symmetrical shoe rack with each pair facing the same direction, a wall-mounted calendar color-coded to an extreme degree, and a bookshelf that seemed more like a display case than a personal collection. Each book aligned perfectly at the spine. No dust. No clutter.

The couch looked like it had never been sat on. The throw blanket draped over the back was folded into a triangle. Who folds things into triangles?

Jay walked ahead of you, already moving with that same silent efficiency he always did—like a ghost who had a schedule.

You followed him into the kitchen, unable to stop yourself from scanning everything as if there were a clue hidden somewhere. Everything here was so spacious, like this was meant for a family rather than just one person. The lighting was warm, the countertops spotless, and there were two matching mugs on the counter already set out. One for him. One for you.

Okay. Oddly considerate for someone who barely speaks.

He poured water into a kettle like it was muscle memory, and you leaned against the counter, eyeing him.

“You do this for all your guests?” you asked lightly, half-joking, half-curious.

Jay didn’t look at you. “Don’t really have guests.”

He said it like it was a fact. Not sad. Not defensive. Just how things were.

You tilted your head. “So what am I?”

He glanced up at you then—finally—and there was a flicker of something in his expression. Not quite surprise. Not quite amusement. Just the ghost of a smile. “Exception.”

The kettle clicked to life behind him, and the kitchen settled into quiet again.

You blinked.

Okay, what?

You didn’t know what to make of that. You weren’t even sure he meant to say it. Maybe you misheard. But he turned back to the counter, calm as ever, and went back to his tea prep like he hadn’t just said something vaguely intimate and haunting.

Nonetheless, you cleared your throat—just to simmer the tension. “Anywhere you want me to set up?” You said as you toyed with the adjusters on your backpack. 

His gaze was still glued to the mugs, but he hummed in thought. “The table right there sounds good, thank you.” 

Without a word, you padded over to the kitchen table as you took out your materials needed to start. First, your journal. Then, your pencil case. Your folder, then lastly your computer. 

You hadn’t looked at him for a reaction, the same one that Jake had given you. Calm, slightly uncomfortable—not from him. If Jay made you uncomfortable then you wouldn’t be around him nor would you have asked all of this from him. Just nerves, the tension in the air from some weird mix of prior history between you two—not much to go off of as you could swear he hated your guts—and lust. 

Jay had always stood out to you. Out of all of his friends, he was the least flamboyant, the quieter one, the one that minded his business and didn’t speak unless spoken to. Something about his blunt, structured, logical ways was so alluring to you. As you are more of an emotional person, a huge part of you had always yearned for more pragmatism in a partner and his maker might have sprinkled a bit much of that in him and you’re not sure if you’re fine with this or not.

Despite the attraction toward his personality, Jay was undeniably sexy. In a very—this word is very overused but it fits—nonchalant way. He didn’t try too hard, he didn’t try nor want to be seen and that made a part of you feel glad that not many people had access to him. 

Contrary to Jake, Sunghoon, and Heeseung—even though they’re great people—they’re whores. They have their fun and are not scared to spread all the love they have to give to the world. They either jumped from girl to girl, or they just slept around. And while nothing was wrong with that, that’s not the type of man you wanted. 

Something about the lowkey ones always turn you on a whole lot more.

And despite Jay being a major dickhead at times, he wasn’t totally evil and that makes you have even an ounce of respect for his character. He stuck to the same people, no drama, intelligent, well-rounded, charitable, and honest—in more ways than one. 

So as he sat at the table with you, mugs in hand, he carefully slid the hot tea in front of you and a little ways from your belongings.

You offered a quiet “Thanks,” watching the way he handled the cup—deliberate, steady, like he thought through every movement before making it. It wasn’t just how he moved, it was how he existed. Controlled. Precise. Like he didn’t have time to waste being clumsy or accidental.

He didn’t say anything, just took a sip of his own tea and settled back against the chair, manspread in one of his forty different pairs of black sweats. 

You sipped yours too, still feeling that flicker of heat in your chest from earlier. Exception. God. Who even says that? And so casually. Like it didn’t carry a ridiculous amount of weight for someone who barely let anyone in.

Jay didn’t seem fazed, though. If anything, he looked…blank again. Not closed-off. Just unreadable. Like he was used to people not trying to figure him out. Or giving up halfway through.

But you decided to break the ice, “So last time we spoke, we just did a little questioning so that I could get a feel for your personality. Remember? The basic stuff, then the more fantastical, hypothetical ones?”

He nodded, “I remember, I was there.” He opened a package of cookies and dipped them in his tea, then quietly slid them over to you in offering. 

You raised your brow in suspicion but accepted the cookie nonetheless. “Yeah…” You looked down at your notes you took on your computer from last time. You scanned as you sighed, “Okay, well now we’re due for the observational stuff.”

Jay’s brows furrowed in confusion, “Observational? As in—”

“—as in I watch you,” you cut in, tone casual but your eyes sharp. “I observe your behavior in a natural environment. Not scripted. Not prompted. Just…you.”

Jay stilled, cookie halfway to his mouth.

You smiled at his hesitation. “Relax. It’s not like I’m writing your psychological profile for a government file. It’s just for class.”

He looked vaguely unconvinced. “And what does that entail? You sit here and stare at me for an hour while I drink tea?”

“Pretty much.” You shrugged, clicking your pen open. “I’ll ask a few small questions here and there, but I’m mostly just looking at your patterns. How you respond. The language you use. Your microexpressions.”

Jay leaned back in his chair, the ghost of a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. “So…you’re people-watching. But with a clipboard.”

“Basically.” You jotted something down—nothing major, just a note on his posture, how he sat with one leg crossed, his arms loosely on the table, totally unguarded yet somehow unreadable. “But it’s more than that. I’m trying to understand the link between your expression and your personality. You know—body language, tone, subconscious cues.”

Jay looked thoughtful for a beat. “So if I start acting weird, it’ll ruin your data?”

You being a Psychology minor, it was almost irresistible to incorporate these elements into your work. This is what made you and your works stand out—asking questions work, yes. But seeing how someone moves gives you all the answers you need.

“Jay,” you deadpanned. “This is a journalism project, not the DSM-5.”

He blinked. “Same difference.”

You huffed a laugh, typing something out just to mess with him. “Noted: subject shows signs of paranoia under minimal pressure.”

—

For the next hour, you sat on Jay’s couch in his expansive living room. Watching as he read a book in the complete silence of the house. But before you could even sit on the couch, he made you change into one of his sweats. He didn’t like the grime of outside being on his clean couch. Which…fair enough.

He’d handed you the pants wordlessly, just held them out like it was routine. Like this happens all the time.

“I—what?”

“I don’t like outside clothes on indoor furniture,” he said, already walking away. “The fibers cling.”

“…Okay, Sheldon Cooper.”

But you’d changed anyway, mostly because they were soft as hell and a part of you didn’t mind being in his clothes. 

Okay then.

But Jay lived a very simple life, he spent a lot of his time reading, watching animal documentaries, and working on his assignments that are due for weeks in advance. You had noticed that throughout your observation of him, he had hardly touched his phone. It was actually all the way across the room and he had been peacefully going about his afternoon without so much of a thought. 

Before, there was jealousy on your end. As in, how could someone be so productive and put together? Jay was so infuriatingly patient, calm, and he had such a knack for making time for everything. He was able to get work done and lounge all within the hour and it made you feel so incompetent. A one hour assignment turns into a three hour assignment because you can’t stop checking your socials and finding the right songs to fit your vibe: 50 Cent or Lana Del Rey? One can never tell.

But he’s been watching some documentary on Ancient Greek Mythology for the last 30 minutes and you’d be lying if you said it was boring. 

As your eyes kept flitting from the mounted 75” TV and your notebook, there were flurries in your mind at this point. 

I don’t even want to do this right now.

A nap sounds great.

Jay is still an asshole, but he’s disgustingly attractive and I want to kill him for that.

Take a break, you’ve been watching him do nothing all day.

Which, your subconscious was absolutely right. A little break wouldn’t hurt and you can guarantee he’ll still be in the same position, doing the same thing that he’s been doing.

With that, you sigh and place your notebook on the coffee table right in front of you. Plopping back into the plush, almost cloudlike cushions of the couch. 

“Tired of me, already?” Jay poked, eyes looking over at you briefly before falling back onto the screen. 

You smiled, “Never,” He didn’t respond. Not verbally, at least. But his eyes lingered on you for a second longer this time. Just a flicker of a glance, like he heard more than what you said. Or maybe you imagined that. You shifted, suddenly aware of how his sweatpants pooled a little too comfortably around your thighs. How warm the couch was. How warm he was, just a few feet away.

The documentary droned on in the background, but your thoughts were no longer tracking anything remotely educational. The quiet between you was heavy again—but not awkward. Just…thick. Like honey.You fought the urge to say something else, something stupid or clever, just to fill it. But instead, you closed your eyes. “I’m not gonna fall asleep,” you mumbled, mostly to yourself.

Jay’s voice was low and amused. “You already are.”

You sat up, rubbing your eyes. “You’re just boring.” You pout as you look around. “This big ass house and you don’t even utilize the space, or even—do you even—what do you do here, Jay?”

Jay didn’t answer right away. He reached for the remote, lowering the volume just a touch before setting it back down with precision—like everything he did was measured, controlled. He looked over at you, one brow slightly raised, a lazy half-smile tugging at the edge of his mouth. “I exist.”

You blinked. “That’s it? That’s your whole itinerary?”

He shrugged, leaning back against the couch. “I read. I cook. I clean. I work. I take care of myself. I sleep. I don’t need to fill every second of my day to prove I’m living.”

You narrowed your eyes. “So you’re boring on purpose.”

He chuckled—low and deep. “Or maybe you just don’t know how to sit still.”

Ouch.

You scoffed lightly, crossing your arms. “I can sit still.”

“Mm,” he hummed, clearly not convinced. “Then do it.”

It wasn’t a challenge, not really. Just a simple invitation, like he was offering you the calm he lived in every day. Daring you to match his stillness, to see if you could last. “You’re actually right,” You stood up and plopped right next to him on the sectional part on this massive couch. It was about the size of a queen size bed so both of you could fit there comfortably, but it didn’t take much to close the distance. “Still. I’m being still, still I am.” You cuddled one of the pillows to you as your eyes fell back to the TV and he raised the volume.

Jay didn’t look at you right away, but you saw the tiniest twitch at the corner of his mouth, like he was fighting a grin. He adjusted his leg slightly to give you a bit more room—not that you needed it, but he noticed anyway.

“Wow,” he said dryly. “An achievement. Gold star for staying still for fifteen seconds.” You nudged him with your shoulder, still hugging the pillow to your chest. “Give me a break. These are parts unknown. I don’t know how to…chill.”

He let out a soft breath—half sigh, half laugh. “That’s sad.”

You turned your head to look at him, eyes narrowing. “It’s not sad. I’m just used to chaos. To movement. Noise.”

“I know,” he said simply, eyes still on the screen. “That’s why I’m surprised you even asked to do this project on me.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m the opposite of what you’re used to.”

The room fell into that thick, thoughtful silence again. Not awkward, just…weighty. Like everything between you two was slowly layering, brick by brick. And yet, you stayed exactly where you were. Still. Quiet. Unmoving. Not because you were trying to win, but because it felt strangely okay to be still with him.

You could hear your heartbeat in the silence—and his breath, steady, controlled, like he had nothing to prove and never did.

“I’m a cheerleader, it’s literally my job to have pep.” You smile as you look up at him, humored by him. 

Jay finally turned to look at you, the corner of his mouth lifting. “Yeah,” he said slowly, eyes scanning your face like he was seeing something new, “but you don’t have to perform here.”

That made your smile falter for just a second—not because it hurt, but because it hit. Quietly. Truthfully.

You blinked at him, your voice a little softer now. “What makes you think I’m performing?”Jay tilted his head a bit, resting it against the back of the couch. “You fill every room you walk into. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just…I don’t think you’ve ever really had the option not to.”

Your throat tightened just slightly, the way it does when someone clocks something about you that you hadn’t said out loud yet. You stared at the screen for a beat, though the documentary had long since faded into background noise.

“So what,” you said, trying to lighten it even as your voice stayed low. “You see through me now?”

Jay gave a small, amused breath. “No,” he said, almost shyly. “But I’ve been watching.”

He wasn’t teasing. He wasn’t even trying to be intense. He just…was. Honest and low and matter-of-fact in a way that made your chest do something weird and clench-y.

You nudged his shoulder, “Hey,” laughing as you slowly edged closer to him. “That’s my job,” Jay’s lips twitched again, but he didn’t smile all the way. “Mm,” he hummed, eyes flicking back to the screen, though the weight of what he said still lingered in the air. “Guess I’m just trying to understand the person who keeps watching me.”

Usually, your problem is that you find and figure things out too late. But something about the words that he threw your way felt layered. Like they didn’t just mean one thing, something else was resting behind the words. 

This was very unusual with someone like Jay. Everything that he had to say was layered with fact and reason rather than allure and mystique. Not to beat a dead horse, but as pragmatic and objective as he is—it’s so weird to hear anything that could be interpreted as more than what it was. 

Though who he was made him even more attractive to you: you didn’t have to guess with Jay. He let you know how he felt, if he liked, if he didn’t, if he thought you were irritating him, you would know. 

He didn’t waste anyone’s time nor his own. Growing up with two entrepreneurs and businesspeople for parents, he learned at a very young age that time is money. And time—yours or someone else’s—is valuable. So he was very quick to let someone know what was going on. Never was anyone unsure of his stance on them or a situation. 

Except for you. One minute he was indifferent, the next he didn’t like you, now y’all are sort of friends. He was already so hot and cold and you could never guess with him.

You didn’t reply to it, just wanted to brush this under the rug. “I have an idea,”

He hummed, eyes still locked on the screen.

“How about we do things my way? Just for the day?”

Jay didn’t look at you right away. He let your question linger, absorbing it while the glow from the TV flickered across his face. “Your way,” he repeated slowly, not skeptical—just curious. “And what exactly does that entail? Glitter? Screaming? Matching outfits?”

You snorted. “Wow, okay, stereotype much?”

He gave a light shrug. “You’re the one with the pep.”

“Well,” you sat up straighter, a little smirk tugging at your lips. “Maybe a little glitter. Maybe a little chaos. Maybe…” You tilted your head, playful but with a flicker of sincerity, “...something simple for now. You won’t even have to leave the house.”

Jay finally turned to look at you, eyes catching yours in that calm, unreadable way he always had—but this time, there was something else there. A flicker of curiosity. Trust, maybe. Or at least the beginnings of it.

“Alright,” he said slowly, the faintest edge of a smile ghosting his lips. “I’ll bite. What’s your definition of simple?”

You grinned. “Let’s build a fort and watch Disney movies.” You shrugged, like it was such a great way to spend your Wednesday evening.

“I’m a grown man, I’m not watching Ariel and—”

You hold up your finger, “DCOMs, we’re watching those. I never said Disney Princess movies.”

He furrowed his brows, “What’s the difference?” 

He could laugh again at the look of disgust on your face. “I was more of a Cartoon Network kid, so…”

That threw you even more, “What?! You?! Park Jay?! Park Jongseong?!”

He held up his hand, now mirroring your repulsion, “Ew, don’t call me that.”

You laughed, “Sorry, but that just doesn’t make sense. It’s like,” you sit up to look at him. He was lying down partially and you were sitting up fully. So in some makeshift way, you were sitting above him and looking down at him as you spoke. “What you watched as a kid sort of…shapes you for the rest of your life. That’s because children are very impressionable. So a lot of adults that watched Disney Channel as kids tend to be a little peppier, a little witty in some cases, sometimes a little cynical.” You gestured around your hands as you ranted, Jay looking you in the eye as you did. Never wavering. “Meanwhile Cartoon Network kids grow up to be…class clownish, goofy, weird, but not weird-weird. More like…really niche and weird senses of humor because they grew up watching weird shows.” You smile, “Like Regular Show and Chowder are not for normal people. You kinda give me Disney XD, maybe Nickelodeon on a good day.”

As he watched you ramble he felt this strange thing called his heart soften. The way you went on about something as silly as children’s television made him rethink himself entirely. 

Your heart was genuinely so soft and pure.

Despite how cold and rude he’s been to you, you’re still so sympathetic and genuinely kind. Since then and his conversation with the guys, he knows how much of a dickhead he’s been. You had always tried to be his friend and he understood why—not always but—you guys had been in the same circle for years and it’d be weird to not make friends. But now that you had kind of used this project to get to know him…he was more grateful than you would think. Sunghoon was absolutely right, you really are great. Such a sweet girl at heart.

He was rude to you but you let it go, didn’t hold it against him, and still tried to bond with him. At least from his perspective, but the last session was the worst he’s felt about himself in a long time. Which is exactly why he’d been dialing it back. Not as snippy, smiled a little more, he just relaxed and it all wasn’t intentional.

Jay felt indebted to you and the only way he knew to repay you was to be nice. Ease up a bit. Plus, given the math and laptop thing, a huge part of him—the affectionate, good part of him doesn’t want to see anyone struggle if they don’t deserve it.

You sighed, the tiredness setting back in as you dropped onto your back beside him, the pillows cradling your head. “Anyway,”

Jay huffed a laugh through his nose—almost a real laugh. You smiled to yourself, eyes fluttering shut for just a second.

“Alright,” he said after a pause, voice quieter, more honest. “We can build the stupid fort.”

You peeked an eye open at him. “You’re serious?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged like it was no big deal, but there was a softness around his eyes that betrayed him. “Could be worse ways to spend a Wednesday.”

Your smile was slow and bright, spreading across your face without even trying. And for the first time, maybe ever, Jay didn’t feel the instinct to roll his eyes or snap at you for it. He just let it happen—let you happen.

—

You clapped in glee as you eyed the massive, cushion-y fort you and Jay had put together.

It really was a masterpiece.

Layers of couch cushions, pillows, and throw blankets were stacked and draped over chairs and the sectional. A string of fairy lights Jay had begrudgingly dug out from some drawer wound around the makeshift walls, giving everything a soft, magical glow.

Jay stood with his arms crossed, surveying the chaos like he was trying very hard not to look impressed.

You turned to him, hands on your hips, beaming. “Admit it. You’re proud.”

He gave a noncommittal grunt, but his mouth twitched. “It’s…structurally sound. I’ll give you that.”

You gasped, clutching your chest. “High praise from Park Jongseong himself. I’m honored.”

“Stop calling me that,” he groaned, but there was no real bite to it.

Still grinning, you held up your hand signaling for him to wait a second. You scampered to your backpack to grab two adult coloring books, pencils, and markers. You flashed them in his direction in offering. 

Jay smiled, “Why do you have coloring books?”

You shrugged, “I don’t know, why not? Ask the girl I was written by.”

Jay huffed a laugh through his nose, shaking his head as he took one of the coloring books from your hand.

“You’re ridiculous,” he said, flipping through the pages with the kind of quiet curiosity he didn’t bother hiding anymore.

“And you’re boring,” you teased lightly, plopping back down into the fort with a dramatic flump. “It’s so relaxing, watching movies and coloring.”

He smirked, low and fleeting, and settled in across from you. The two of you laid on your stomachs, the fairy lights casting soft halos around your heads as you both set to work, the markers squeaking faintly against the pages.

For a long time, it was just that—soft music from the movie, quiet coloring, the occasional bump of your legs when one of you shifted.

Jay found himself glancing over at you more often than he was coloring. The way your face scrunched up in concentration when you picked a color, the way you hummed under your breath when a song you liked came on.

He hadn’t realized how easy it was to be around you until right now—no pressure, no weird tension, just quiet company. Which he could never say no to.

You caught him looking once and made a silly face at him, sticking out your tongue. He rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the small, genuine laugh that escaped.

Somewhere in the middle of coloring a crooked sun in the corner of his page, he heard you yawn—a soft, muffled sound. When he looked over again, you had your head tucked into the crook of your arm, marker still loosely held between your fingers.

You blinked slowly, fighting it, but it was over before it even started. You drifted off, face relaxed and peaceful under the glow of the fairy lights.

Jay set his marker down carefully and just... watched you for a second. It was stupid how something this simple—this innocent—could hit him so hard.

The teen pop music from Starstruck still played in the background, and he almost hated to move, to ruin it.

But then his phone buzzed.

Sunghoon: “warzone?”

Jay groaned quietly to himself, dragging a hand over his face. He should wake you up. He should say something.

But you were so peaceful…your face was smushed against the pillow you leaned on. Your coily hair had fallen in your face as your plump lips stared back at him. How could he move you right now?

Instead...he tucked a throw blanket over you, the movement careful and clumsy all at once. He hesitated for half a second longer, then finally tore himself away.

—

Jay went upstairs to his room, leaving the door ajar subconsciously. He plopped down at his PC to load up with the guys. 

“So what y’all been up to today?” Heeseung says in the mic.

Jungwon sighed, “Some fuck ass group project. Tell me how all of my classes got cancelled today and I had a meeting with my group for the project. And I didn’t go because…duh, I had no classes.”

Jay furrowed his brows at the logic but let him talk nonetheless. 

“Then I get an email from my professor telling me that I haven’t been doing anything for the project. Like, dickhead I’ve been doing all the work!” 

They all laughed at his anger which probably wasn’t something they should’ve been doing. But regardless, none of them cared. It wasn’t like Jungwon cared either.

“I love making you guys feel like shit over your problems.” Jake sighed dreamily as he rushed through the map.

Sunghoon remarked, “I think you’re just a bad person.”

“That too,” Jay said, half-distracted. 

“Fuck you guys, anyway, Jay what did you do?” Jungwon smiled with a roll of his eyes. 

Jay hadn’t exactly told the guys that you were coming over at all. 

He paused, thumb hovering over the “Deploy” button as his teammates waited for his reply. He tapped his mic, clearing his throat. “I—um—she came over for the project. Said she had to observe me and whatnot so we just did that.”

Heeseung smirked, “Observed what exactly?” 

He wiped his eyes beneath his glasses as they were itchy. “Just me. We didn’t do much—” 

“Much?” Jungwon called out. 

“Yeah, I just watched a—”

“Watched?” Sunghoon and Jake chimed in.

Jay burst out, “Bitch stop interrupting me!” 

Laughter exploded through his headset, each one of his friends reveling in his rare outburst. Jay closed his eyes briefly, inhaling deeply as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Y’all are so fucking annoying,” he muttered.

“Okay, okay, we’re listening,” Jake said, but Jay could hear the barely contained amusement in his voice. “Continue, Mr. Observed.”

Jay sighed, clicking through his inventory absentmindedly. “We just watched a movie and now she’s just taking a nap.”

Silence. Too much silence.

Then—

“A movie?” Sunghoon drawled, dragging out the word like he was savoring it. “What kind of movie?”

Jay hesitated.

Jake gasped. “Nah. Nahhh. Don’t tell me you let her make you watch—”

“Starstruck,” Sunghoon cut in, deadpan. “You watched Starstruck, didn’t you?”

The silence stretched for a half-second too long.

Jay closed his eyes. “Shut up.”

Chaos erupted.

“No fucking way!” Jake howled. “That’s crazy! You—Park ‘I Only Watch Documentaries and War Films’ Jay—sat through Starstruck?”

“I’m sick,” Sunghoon wheezed. “Like, physically ill.”

“I need a second,” Heeseung said between laughs. “I can’t—”

Jay let them get it out of their system, clicking his tongue as he loaded up another round as he had died. They weren’t even playing together at this point, just playing at the same time. “You guys act like I haven’t done worse things.”

“Yeah, but this is so—random,” Jungwon wheezed. “Like, were you actually paying attention or were you just sitting there?”

Jay opened his mouth, closed it, then frowned. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Another wave of hysteria hit them.

Jake gasped. “Wait. Did you like it?”

“I tolerated it,” Jay corrected.

“No, bro, you liked it,” Sunghoon shot back. “Say it.”

Jay rolled his shoulders, his lips twitching. He wasn’t about to give them the satisfaction. “I’m focusing on the game.”

Heeseung laughed, “No, that girl will fall asleep standing up if you let her.”

Jake wiped fake tears. “I love this timeline. First, you’re buying mystery laptops, now you’re watching childhood rom-coms with her, bruh? What’s next? Matching pajamas?”

Jay froze, “Wait, what?” His hands froze on his keyboard and mouse. 

He hadn’t told anyone about his deeds, the notes nor the laptop. Mainly out of fear of judgment, shame because that meant that some part of him liked you. But also because of the guilt of how he treated you and Jay wasn’t necessarily an affectionate person. 

He just didn’t want to draw attention to himself, nor scare you off. Even though this situation could be considered stalking or maybe something that could make someone uncomfortable.

But if Jay didn’t know anything, he knew Jake. He knew that Jake was as nosy as a Toucan Sam and once he found something to sink his perfectly aligned teeth into, he wasn’t going to stop until he found out what he needed to.

“Don’t play dumb, I know.” He could practically hear the smirk in Jake’s voice.

Jay’s hands started shaking a bit, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” But of course, he tried to play it cool.

Jake snorted, “Yeah okay, and I’m the President.”

“Bro, for real, what are you talking about?” Jay pressed, voice steady but his knee was bouncing so hard under the desk he thought the floor might give out.

There was a pause—long enough for Jay’s anxiety to spike—then Jake spoke, casual, too casual.

“She told us in our group chat—”

Jungwon perked up, “Y’all have a group chat?!” He gaped at the new information, “Add me please!”

Heeseung brushed him off, “Shut up,”

Jungwon smacked his teeth, “I’ll get her soon, trust.”

Jake rolled his eyes, “No you won’t,”

Jay also laughed to himself, “Aren’t you like sixteen?”

Jungwon groaned in exasperation. “I’m two years younger than you guys, chill. Plus, young guys do it the best.”

Sunghoon sighed, “Jake, you were saying.”

Jake leaned in closer, lips to the mic. “Thank you,” he backed away. “Anyway, in the group chat she literally had a breakdown and threatened arson on Decelis because of her broken laptop. Like two days later, she somehow gets a brand new—better laptop with cute ass accessories? Especially when she was telling us how she couldn’t afford to buy a new one.”

The rest of them, sans Jay, hummed in understanding. 

Jay was still refuting all claims, “That doesn’t prove it was me, I didn’t do that shit.”

Jake smacked his teeth, “Bro, we didn’t do it. I damn sure didn’t. Literally I saw her the other day, like a day after she got it and she told me she had to go into her savings to buy a new one. Which I know was a lie.”

Heeseung interjected, “How would you know?”

Sunghoon chimed in, now putting the pieces together. “Because if she had the money she wouldn’t have complained about not being able to afford a new one. Whining about the inconvenience, yeah that makes sense. But she would’ve just replaced it that same or next day.”

Heeseung hummed, “Yeah, that makes sense. She wouldn’t have gone without if she knew she could just get a new one immediately. Her mood was horrible for the entire two days she didn’t have it.”

Jay stayed silent, his throat dry. His friends’ casual deductions were piecing everything together too cleanly, too quickly.

“And not just any laptop, either,” Jake said, practically grinning through the mic. “A fucking Macbook Air with the custom shit, bro. Like, pink keyboard cover, matching case, cute little charms—”

Heeseung cut in, “Wait, charms? Like, keychain charms?”

“No, dumbass,” Jake said, laughing. “Laptop charms. Like a lil’ matching aesthetic.”

Sunghoon whistled. “Yeah, nah. That’s intentional.”

Heeseung agreed, “You don’t accidentally buy that kind of shit unless you’re trying to impress.”

“Or if someone feels guilty…” Jungwon mumbled off-handedly.

Jay’s heart punched against his ribs so hard he almost couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation.

Guilty. That sounded about right.

He flexed his fingers on the mouse, willing his hand to stop shaking. His throat tightened like he’d swallowed a stone.

Heeseung must’ve caught on to the tension because he went, “Damn. It’s that serious?” He wasn’t there for the conversation about what he had said to you during y’alls last session. But Sunghoon had filled him in and needless to say, Jay definitely got another earful from him.

Saying someone should ‘get better at begging’ after talking about economic disparities, wasn’t exactly something that could brag about. And the fact that you were still nice to him after that only added salt to the wound. 

If he didn’t feel bad then something was definitely wrong with him, more so than what was already.

But at this point, his pride was entirely too much to admit that some part of him liked you. Even before this, he thought you were out of his league. Intimidating. And the only way he could combat the budding interest in you was by acting uninterested. 

So he couldn’t stop now. 

The silence on Jay’s end stretched on, suffocating, but he forced out a scoff, light and dismissive. “You guys sound insane.”

Sunghoon snorted, “If we’re insane, it’s because you drove us there with your denial.”

Jake chuckled lowly. “Just admit it, man. It’s not even a bad thing.”

Jay clicked around idly, pretending to load his next weapon loadout, pretending he wasn’t breaking out in a cold sweat. “There’s nothing to admit.”

Heeseung’s voice softened a little, losing some of its usual teasing edge. “You don’t gotta lie to us, bro. You’re allowed to like somebody, you know.”

Jay pressed his tongue against the back of his teeth, swallowing words that felt too heavy to say out loud. Like somebody. That sounded so…simple. Easy.

But it wasn’t. Not for him.

Because liking you came with consequences. With vulnerabilities he wasn’t ready to show. With guilt for every sharp word, every dismissive glance, every time he chose to push you away instead of pulling you closer.

Jungwon piped up again, voice thoughtful. “Honestly, if you did get her the laptop, that’s, like…one of the nicest things I’ve ever seen you do.”

As Jay heard them all politic and conspire around him, anger grew in the pit of his stomach. “I told you I didn’t do it. And I don’t like her like that. You guys spent like twenty minutes badgering me to admit that she’s hot and I told you she was but she’s not my type and I wouldn’t waste money on some peppy, desperate cheerleader.”

The call fell silent and tension grew in the air at Jay’s outburst. Even though they couldn’t see each other, Jake nodded with a defeated sigh. He knew better than to take heed to anything that Jay was saying right now. He was trying more so to convince himself rather than them. So he let it go. 

Though unbeknownst to any of them, you were walking up the stairs to find Jay and were made privy to his words. 

You froze at the top of the stairs.

You hadn’t meant to eavesdrop—you hadn’t even realized you could hear them until it was already too late. Until the words had already ripped through you.

I wouldn’t waste money on some peppy, desperate cheerleader.

Your fingers tightened around the strap of your bag before you even realized you were moving.

Not running—that would’ve looked desperate.

Not crying—that would’ve given him too much.

Just…packing up. Quiet, mechanical. Like you were never there in the first place.

You could still hear them upstairs, muffled and awkward now, but you tuned it all out, your heart pounding in your ears as you shoved your laptop, charger, coloring books, pencils, markers into your tote. Your jacket slipped on and the sweats he gave you now folded neatly on the couch as yours were already on.

You didn’t have a ride, but you didn’t care. You just needed to get away before you embarrassed yourself further.

The door clicked shut behind you, soft and final.

And then you were walking. Down the driveway, past the cars, past the basketball hoop, past the old street lamps humming in the early evening air. You didn’t even check your phone until you were three blocks away, until you were sure nobody was going to come after you.

Even though, deep down, you already knew he wouldn’t.

—

At first, Jay didn’t notice.

The game restarted. His headset buzzed with chatter. He wiped his palms on his own sweats and leaned back in his chair, trying to shove down the ugly feeling clawing up his throat.

“Whatever,” he muttered under his breath.

He figured you were still downstairs, maybe still napping.

And when Heeseung joked, “Damn, she’s still asleep?”

“Not sure, let me check.” He ripped the headset off without a word and jogged down the stairs, two at a time. Then made a right to the living room.

Empty.

The fort was no more, your stuff was gone, the pants he’d lent you folded beautifully on the couch. You even put their chairs used for the fort back to their original place.

It was like you had erased yourself.

Jay’s heart stuttered.

“No way,” he breathed, turning in a slow circle, like maybe he’d missed you somehow. Like maybe you were hiding. “No, no, no, no—”

He rushed to the window, throwing the curtain aside. Nothing. Street empty. No car. No you.

A cold sweat broke out across his back.

He sprinted to the door, ignoring how loud his stomping was and yanked open the front door, stepping out into the street barefoot. His eyes scanned everywhere, frantic.

But you were gone.

Gone.

And all at once, the weight of what he said—what you heard—crashed over him. The ugly words he had thrown out to save face.

To protect himself.

And he realized, sickly, that protecting himself had cost him the one thing he hadn’t even let himself want until now.

You.

—

As he went back into his house, sullen and gloomy as ever—game long forgotten. Jay went to scan the living room one more time, just hoping that you would appear. Maybe you were just pranking him, that’s something you would do.

He plopped down on the couch, looking around and sighed painfully. Covering his eyes with his hands as it took everything in him to not demolish everything in this room. 

But no, he had more self-control than that. 

Jay gathered himself, scanned the room one more time and his eyes fell on your journal. 

Jay’s eyes flicked back to your journal on the coffee table. It sat innocently there, untouched, a silent witness to everything that had just happened. His heart pounded with an unsettling mixture of guilt, curiosity, and frustration.

He had no right to open it. None at all. But as the minutes passed, the pull to understand you more—to fix this somehow—grew unbearable. His fingers twitched, itching for something to give him the answers he couldn’t seem to find on his own.

What had you been writing in there? Was it about him? Was he the villain in your story now? He sure felt like it.

With a heavy sigh, Jay leaned forward, grabbing the journal. His mind screamed at him to stop, to just put it back where it belonged, but his hands had already opened the first page.

The handwriting was neat, beautiful even, but there was an undeniable rawness to it—words that weren't meant for anyone else to read. He couldn’t stop himself. His eyes skimmed the first few lines, and something heavy settled in his chest.

“He told me I should get better at begging.”

Jay froze. His breath hitched. The words were simple, but the weight of them hit him like a punch to the gut. He didn’t even want to recall that day, but it seemed like it was all he could think of these days.

He kept reading, each line pulling him deeper into your mind. Your pain was written in stark black ink—raw, honest.

“I don’t understand why he keeps pushing me away. Every time I think we’re getting somewhere, he pulls back. But it’s like he doesn’t even care. I just don’t get it. Why does he act like I’m not worth his time? Maybe it’s because I’m used to getting attention that I just don’t know how to act when I’m dismissed?”

The words stung. Jay had never thought of himself as someone who could hurt people. But now, reading this, he realized just how much damage he’d caused without even realizing it. He wasn’t the same person he’d thought he was.

“I miss the days when I didn’t care what people thought of me. Now, it’s like every time I see him, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, hoping he’ll look at me, talk to me, not act like I’m invisible. Am I too much? Or am I not enough?”

Jay shut his eyes for a moment, the weight of your words crushing him. He felt like he was drowning in all the things he’d never noticed, all the things he’d pushed aside in favor of hiding behind his pride.

The journal seemed endless, each entry within the last few weeks about him or about things he’d never even seen. But one thing was clear: you had been hurting for far longer than he’d ever realized. You weren’t the peppy cheerleader he’d always dismissed. You were someone who had quietly endured every time he pushed you away, every time he made you feel like you weren’t worth his attention.

Beneath the shell, you were just a girl that wanted to be validated. 

Beneath the stunning, gorgeous shell of you, there was just a little girl that wasn’t told she was enough. And he hadn’t even cared enough to ask or pay more attention.

He swallowed hard, unable to continue. His fingers were trembling, the journal still open in his hands.

But there was something else, something that caught his eye. A final entry that was left today:

“I’m observing Jay today, and he’s being nice and it’s kinda freaking me out. But he’s being his typical, geeky self and watching some documentary and I’ll say it is interesting. But his home is very beautiful, very him. A part of me feels like I don’t deserve to be here. But I know that he’s been so mean to me for no good reason, but I’ve still tried to be nice. “Being mean doesn’t get you anywhere” daddy always says. So I’ve tried to be respectful, which I think I’ve done a nice job of. As much as this is just one person, I really do want him to like me. Some parts of me want to just say fuck him and that he doesn’t matter. But I also wanna fuck him so it does matter.”

Jay cracks a smile at this, but he decides to keep reading.

“Seriously though, he seems to be a great friend to the other guys. I just wish for one day where he can be good to me.”

Jay felt his breath catch in his throat. This was it. The final blow.

It wasn’t just about the laptop. It was about all the moments he’d let you down, brushed you off, all the ways he’d treated you as disposable. He had been so focused on pushing his feelings down, so convinced that he needed to guard himself, that he’d never noticed how much you were giving just to stay close to him.

And now, as he sat there, holding your journal with the weight of all his mistakes pressing down on him, he realized that he had nothing left to protect. Not anymore.

The journal slipped from his hands, landing softly on the table. Jay ran his hands through his hair, his thoughts spiraling.

Jay sat there, the weight of the journal in his lap. His fingers were still trembling, but now it wasn’t from the act of reading. It was from the shame, the sudden suffocating realization that he had done this to you. That he was the one who had been unkind, who had kept you at arm’s length while you silently endured.

A hollow feeling spread through him, worse than any disappointment or anger he’d ever known. It was the feeling of finally understanding the damage he’d caused, of realizing that he’d been blind to something so painfully obvious. He had dismissed you as just another part of his world to ignore, never once stopping to wonder why you might be so desperate for his attention.

He could still hear your voice in his head. The little things you’d said over the past few weeks, the hints he had brushed off. The way you made the effort to show kindness, even when it wasn’t reciprocated.

“Maybe it’s because I’m used to getting attention that I just don’t know how to act when I’m dismissed?” Those words echoed in his mind, and the guilt twisted harder.

He had always been caught up in his own world, too proud, too distant to even ask you how you were really doing. He was so absorbed in his own insecurities, in his self-imposed walls, that he never bothered to notice yours.

And now...now, it was too late. He had let this slip through his fingers.

The entry about him being “nice” to you hit like a punch to the gut. He could see it—you trying to make the best of a situation where he was cruel. And yet, despite everything, you still wanted him to like you.

He had seen the cracks in you, but had he ever tried to help fill them? No. He had been too wrapped up in his pride, in his need to keep distance.

With a low curse under his breath, Jay ran his hand through his hair again, standing up abruptly. He couldn’t sit here anymore. He needed to do something, anything, to stop this feeling from crushing him entirely.

But what could he do? What could he even say?

The room was too quiet. The silence hung heavy between him and everything he had just discovered. He had been the one pushing you away. He had been the one making you feel invisible.

He looked at the journal one last time. A small part of him wanted to close it, to forget about it, but the rest of him knew that was no longer an option. He couldn’t keep pretending this was someone else’s fault.

The answer was simple, but it felt impossible.

He had to apologize.

—

Jay spent the rest of the night replaying the journal entry in his head. The weight of what he’d read crushed him, but it also woke something up in him—something that had been buried beneath his pride and self-protection. He knew that he needed to change. Not for anyone else, but for you, and for himself.

The next day, he found himself standing outside your 10:30 class. It wasn’t planned. He hadn’t figured out the right words yet. He just...knew he couldn’t stay in the same place anymore. With his heart hammering, he waited for everyone to file out. His mind raced, but luckily he was tall enough to be able to see everyone, then his eyes landed on you and he hurriedly approached you. Stopping in front of you and not caring if he had bumped into other people. 

You let out a grunt at the thud that your shoulder had made with his firm chest. But you had quickly gripped your tablet that was in danger of falling, but luckily your reflexes won. You looked up to see a tall man with glasses and dark hair, oh…him. “Jay, what the fuck?” You rubbed your sensitive shoulder. Doing the sport that you do, you’re no stranger to taking a few tumbles. But his chest might as well have been made of steel.

He held up his hands in panic, “Sorry!” 

The tension in the air was thick, and Jay immediately regretted the way he’d approached you, but there was no turning back now. He could feel the rush of anxiety in his chest, but he forced himself to stand firm, his gaze locking with yours.

“I didn’t mean to...I just…” He trailed off, unsure how to finish the sentence. The words he had rehearsed a thousand times in his head felt foreign now, his mouth dry, and his heart hammering.

You eyed him suspiciously, still holding your tablet close. He could see the mixture of confusion and frustration in your expression. You were trying to keep your cool, but it was obvious something was off.

“What do you want?” You asked, your voice firm, and Jay felt a pang of guilt deep in his gut. You didn’t trust him anymore—he’d made sure of that.

Jay exhaled sharply, his hands running through his hair in frustration. He could see the way you were holding yourself, trying to keep your distance. And damn it, he deserved it. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

“I—um…” He played with the hem of his form-fitting black long-sleeve. Trying to work up the courage to speak, or even look you in the eye. 

You sighed, “I can’t do this with you right now, I have a class in fifteen minutes and it’s all the way on the south-end of campus. If you’ll excuse me,” You said as you brushed past him.

Jay watched you step away, the gentle sound of your footsteps against the pavement echoing in his ears. His heart clenched. He had expected this—shit, he deserved it—but that didn’t make it any easier. He watched you for a moment, conflicted, as you began to walk toward the next building.

What if this was it? What if you never gave him a chance to fix anything?

The thought hit him like a punch to the chest.

Before he could stop himself, he was moving again, this time with more urgency in his steps. He hated the way his own hesitation had kept him from being the person he needed to be before. He hated how many times he had let you down.

“Wait!” Jay called out, his voice louder than before, his pulse racing in his throat.

You didn’t stop. But there was a slight pause in your stride. He saw it. He wasn’t sure if it was out of curiosity or frustration, but it was there.

He took it as a sign.

Jay quickened his pace until he was beside you again, walking beside you as you left out of the building, still unsure how to breach the gap he’d created between you two. He swallowed, trying to steady his nerves. “Look, I—I’m sorry.” The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could even stop them. “I know I’ve been a jerk to you. And I know I’ve made everything worse, but I...I just need you to hear me out.”

You stopped walking, but you looked at him with complete disgust. Jay retracted a bit as he saw the look in your eye. He’d never seen you look at anyone like that ever. Unless it was a smile, laugh, or maybe a playful glare at Jake then anything else seemed like foreign terrain. He could feel the weight of your silence pressing on him, but he didn’t back off.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know you don’t even want to talk to me right now,” Jay continued, feeling the frustration and desperation in his words. “But I read something I shouldn’t have. I said something I shouldn’t have. And I’m not here to make excuses. I just...I need you to know that I’m sorry for all of it. For pushing you away. For acting like you didn’t matter when you did. And I hate that I made you feel invisible.”

You didn’t say anything. You didn’t even move.

“I don’t expect anything from you,” he added quickly, his voice cracking slightly. “But I need to be better, for you...and for me. And I get it if you don’t want to talk. I know I don’t deserve it. But I just couldn’t leave without saying this.”

He reached into his backpack, shuffling through it frantically as if he were afraid you’d walk away mid sentence. Eventually, he pulls out your journal and your eyes widen at the fact that he read your own private thoughts. 

You snatch it from him, even though the damage had already been done. He read it already, but somehow you felt that holding it to your chest would magically erase the words he’d read. 

In any other case Jay would be irritated that someone had snatched something from him. But couldn’t even utter a word, he just stood there—as resigned as he could be. Nonetheless, he gestured to the book. “In case you were wondering…I bought the laptop.”

You already had an inkling, but the fact that you were getting confirmation had made your heart drop to your stomach. A knot forming there and in your throat as you were at a loss for words. You still weren’t able to speak. 

“The invoice is in there if you don’t believe me. And I gave you the math notes too.” 

Your grip on the journal tightened, but the weight of it felt unbearable in your hands. You were still reeling from the fact that he had read your private thoughts, your most personal reflections, and yet here he was—standing in front of you, holding out a piece of your life like some kind of... offering.

A slow wave of disbelief washed over you, and for a moment, you could only stare at the journal in your hands, as if hoping the pages would disappear. Or that the situation would change—just reverse itself.

Jay didn’t move. He stood there, waiting for your reaction, but the silence between you was suffocating. He had just broken something. He had crossed a line he couldn’t uncross, and you knew, deep down, that it wasn’t just about the journal. It was about everything that had led to this moment. All the little things. The moments he pulled away. The things he didn’t say. The things he didn’t care enough to notice.

You couldn’t even look at him. You didn’t want to. You weren’t sure if you could. The tension in the air was thick, like you were standing at the edge of something you weren’t ready to face yet.

The silence dragged on, and Jay shifted his weight uncomfortably. “I—uh, I wasn’t sure how to tell you all of it, but the invoice...it’s in there,” he said quietly, his voice hesitant, almost unsure. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I just wanted to help.”

Your voice came out, raw and nearly obsolete. “Why?”

He groaned as he put his head in his hands, his rings glimmering in the sunlight. “The notes, it—I’ve always liked you. This feeling I couldn’t explain—just…attraction. And one day, I was in the cafe and I overheard you speaking to your mom about you having trouble with math. I had taken the class before so I just thought giving you my notes would help. I felt bad because I couldn’t not do anything. So I just printed them out and attached your email. That’s it.”

Tears started to mist your eyes, clutching your book and tablet closer to your chest. “The laptop?”

Jay was quick to explain, “After our first session, I had hurt you really badly with that ‘begging’ comment. I still haven’t apologized to you for that and I’m sorry but, you came on the chat and you were really upset. I thought it was just my way to give back to you.” He stepped forward, putting a small distance between you. To which you were nailed right to where you stood. You were too shaken to move.

The air between you two was thick with the weight of his words, the confession, the apology—and yet you couldn’t bring yourself to let go of the journal. It felt like the only thing keeping you tethered to something solid in the storm that had suddenly engulfed you.

You couldn’t speak for a long time, your throat tight, your chest aching with the conflicting emotions that swirled inside you. Jay was still standing there, his body tense, eyes searching your face as if he could find a way to undo everything he’d done.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he continued softly, his voice breaking just slightly. “I never meant to cross any lines. I thought I could make it right, but I see now... that maybe all I’ve done is make things worse.”

His words felt like a quiet admission of guilt, and for a moment, you just stood there, unable to reconcile what he was saying with the hurt that still lingered inside you. All those moments, all those interactions—you felt as though they were being rewritten in this very instant. Could you forgive him for everything that had built up to this?

You squeezed your eyes shut, taking a deep breath, and when you opened them again, you finally spoke, your voice shaky but filled with the weight of everything you had been holding back.

“Why didn’t you just...talk to me?” you asked quietly, the pain of the question evident in your tone. “Why did you have to hide behind these...gestures? Why did you think giving me things would fix everything?”

Jay flinched at your words, guilt flashing across his face. “I didn’t know how to talk to you. I thought—I thought I could do something to show you I cared without saying it. I’m not good with words. I’m not good at explaining myself, and I’ve always been good at running from things instead of facing them. But I know now that I’ve been running from this, from you. And I can’t do that anymore.”

You smile bitterly, “So you call me perky and desperate to your friends.”

He shook his head, “No, no, no—”

“Don’t try to deny it, I heard you. You said ‘I wouldn’t waste money on some peppy, desperate cheerleader.’ That came out of your mouth, Jay.” You looked away from him. 

“I’m not trying to deny it. I did say that—I was—” He sighed, closing his eyes to get a hold of himself. “The guys kept bothering me about the laptop and I just wanted them to st—”

You laughed bitterly, this sent something through you. “So a simple ‘I didn’t do it’ would have sufficed. But no, you always have to go for the jugular don’t you?”

“Please, I didn’t—”

You held up your hand, “No, Jay. If you wanted to keep it a secret then that’s fine, it doesn’t make me a fucking difference. But not at my expense.” You slowly back up, “Since you read my fucking journal, I guess there’s no secrets so I don’t have anything to hide anymore. But I’m so done with getting you to like me. I will not be weighed down by this anymore and it’s not even your fault. It’s me, I won’t hold you accountable for my insecurities but I will be damned if I let any man make me feel like I’m not the baddest bitch walking.” You ball your fist that settled on your journal in your hand. “I’ll finish the project with what I have, I’ll leave you alone. You don’t have to worry about me anymore, Jay.” 

The words hit Jay like a punch to the gut. Each one cut deeper than he could have anticipated, and his stomach twisted with regret. He opened his mouth to respond, but every time he tried to speak, his words stuck. There was no defense, no justification that could make this right. He had hurt you, plain and simple.

You were fierce, no denying that. Your words were sharp, but they weren’t meant to tear him apart—no, they were meant to protect yourself. And Jay knew it. He had pushed you to this point.

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” he muttered, his voice barely above a whisper. But even as he said it, he knew it wasn’t enough. It couldn’t undo what he’d done, couldn’t erase the damage.

But you weren’t waiting for his apologies anymore. You were standing there, eyes fierce, jaw set, making it clear that you were done.

“Goodbye, Jay.” Your voice was steady now, cold even, and the finality in it made Jay’s chest tighten with something heavier than guilt.

You turned away from him, the journal still clutched tightly in your hand, and he stood frozen. He wanted to call after you, to beg you not to leave, but he couldn’t find the strength to move. He knew it was over. And he knew that this time, you were walking away for good.

He watched you go, each step you took like a door closing that he would never be able to open again.

And in the silence that followed, Jay realized that the worst part wasn’t the apology he hadn’t given or the damage he had done. It was the fact that he had made you feel so small, so desperate for his attention, that you had to pull away completely just to hold onto yourself.

It was his fault.

For the first time, he understood what it meant to truly lose someone.

-

part 2

Copyright: © zorange13. 2025. All rights reserved. Do not repost, copy, or distribute without permission.

[mymoshangthoughts]

a list of silly moshang ideas

for your entertainment and bc i had fun compiling them LOL

shang qinghua being so sexually expressive with his desires that mobei jun is a blushing miserable mess. like either they've gotten together and now that shang qinghua is comfortable knowing he's got his man, he just lets loose with everything on his mind. and sure, mobei jun is dtf and happy to try anything shang qinghua suggests, but that doesnt mean that the way shang qinghua can just shamelessly say the most unhinged and kinky shit doesn't literally make him about to explode with fluster. or even just the mundane way that shang qinghua will grope or talk to him. just qinghua slumps down next to his husband and cuddles against his side, when suddenly shang qinghua just rests a hand on his dick and sighs wistfully "man i love the shape of you inside of me" and wtf is mobei jun supposed to do with that?! other than become very flustered and maybe bring that into reality. but also its not like shang qinghua is even coming on to him. he just likes to cuddle and grope his hubbys huge dick. mobei jun was not prepared for just how comfortable with sex, sexual topics, and touching shang qinghua would be and he is losing his mind just a little bit. alternatively, on the slowburn side of this idea, shang qinghua and mobei jun are still Just Friends, but now that shang qinghua is comfortable at his side, he lets himself say all sorts of filthy shit bc he's just like "ah guy friends can talk abt dirty shit right? half my topics with cucumber-bro are sexual in nature (bc of the fucking novel they're stuck in), half of the convos i had online were sexual in nature (bc of the novel he wrote), so it's totally normal to just talk to a bro about the intricacies of the kama sutra and shit like that lol". meanwhile mobei jun is Losing His Fucking Mind because sure, half his conversations with shang qinghua are perfectly normal things. work, travel, hobbies, and all that stuff. but then the other half is just the most filthy stuff that mobei jun never dared to imagine and its all pouring out of the mouth of the man that he wants more than breathing and He Is Not Okay Right Now

kitty!mobei jun sitting on airplanes head. i'm thinking a shapeshifting demon OR mobei jun hit with a transformation curse. anyway, modern day so either he got dumped between worlds or its just a modern au where demons just exist and humans are none the wiser. anyway, airplane is just a shitty writer who is doing his best when suddenly this cat decided "your house is my house bitch" and now he's just accepted his fate and the cat sits on his head while he writes and bothers him all day and literally kicked him off his bed. altho nowadays the cat will very reluctantly let airplane cuddle with him on the bed, but claws are always on the table. and airplane just kinda wonders if this is how everyone gets a cat bc wtf is happening and how is this his life

shang qinghua handing mobei jun a document to sign and he does so unthinkingly, bc he trusts qinghua, and a moment later shang qinghua is whooping because "AHAHAHA NOW WE'RE MARRIED AND YOU CANT GET OUT OF IT BWAHAHA" and he just doesnt have the heart to tell qinghua that there was literally no need to trick him into this, he absolutely would have done it knowingly because it's kinda funny to watch shang qinghua lose his mind over his "diabolical plot" succeeding (look as soon as airplane figured that mobei prolly wouldnt kill him for it, he was willing to do just about anything to tie that man down). mobei jun just likes how his now husband looks when he's "won"

mobei jun slumped against shang qinghua while he goes about his day and everyone watching on in confused fear as the king of the north just drapes himself all over shang qinghua and shang qinghua just keeps working as if nothing is going on. all the servants in the palace feeling deeply uncomfortable, but they can't do anything about it and shang qinghua just waves off anyone who asks about it and is the king purring?!

shang qinghua wearing a sexy maid costume completely shamelessly while mobei jun tries to cover him up. shang qinghua thinks the costume is hilarious and he has no idea what the outfit is DOING to poor mobei jun, much less all of the very "looking disrespectfully" looks he's earning from others bc he just thinks it's funny as fuck. altho even after he learns that mobei jun is about to lose his mind over it, he's just as shameless except now he's doing it on purpose and someone send help, mobei jun is gonna have a heart attack.

mobei jun biting shang qinghua's ear when he loses an argument before storming away. like no explanation, nothing. just he loses an argument, he bites shang qinghua's ear, and he storms away in a huff. bonus if it's before they're in a relationship so shang qinghua is doubly confused as to just What The Fuck Just Happened

mobei jun waking up to see shang qinghua asleep at his side and marveling at the sight. simple and fluffy, he just loves the soft moments in the morning when he can just bask at the easy intimacy between them and how special it feels to be with the one he loves.

dimension hopping time-traveling pidw!mobei jun finds himself in the pivotal moment when he first met og!shang qinghua. he's about to intervene when he sees that shang qinghua is about to bash his head in with a rock (the same way that the original did) but then he's confused when THIS shang qinghua doesnt do it and suddenly he's aware that the mannerisms of THIS shang qinghua are completely different than the servant he once knew and he's left wondering if this is another time traveler or something else. so he watches airplane!shang qinghua rescue his younger self while following along in the background and wondering just what the hell is going on

twin au: og!shang qinghua berating airplane!shang qinghua for his horrible taste in men. the plot twist is that the entire conversation is happening while airplane!shang qinghua is seated in mobei jun's lap, who doesnt give a shit about the conversation so long as he can hug his airplane to his chest and nap. his head resting on airplane's shoulder and arms wrapped firmly around him while the brothers chit-chat about everything and anything, although mostly just og!shang qinghua hating on mobei jun bc he would like his twin back "once in a century, you clingy piece of shit" and mobei jun oculd not give the tiniest fuck. bonus if wei qingwei eventually picks og!shang qinghua up for their date or smth like that lol

binghe and qinghua plotting diabolical sexy plans for their partners together, to the quaking (horny) fear of shen yuan and mobei jun

shang qinghua bursting in after a long day of hard work and using mobei jun as a lap pillow without any regard for what mobei jun was currently doing. just mobei jun in the middle of an important meeting and now suddenly this tiny human bursts in and curls up on his lap in a huff and mobei jun continues on as though everything is totally normal and everyone else is trying not to lose their shit bc wtf

mobei jun bursting into shang qinghua's home and dragging him to bed for cuddles without any regard for what qinghua was doing. qinghua doesnt even have time to ask or pause what he's doing before suddenly he's been kidnapped to the designated Cuddle Spot where mobei jun won't let go and won't explain and oki its cuddle time i guess

airplane watching in horror as ring-style mobei jun crawls out of his computer screen. look, he's just a humble porn author, he was not prepared for one of his creations to CRAWL OUT OF THE COMPUTER LIKE THAT. he cannot be blamed for the way he screamed, tried to run away, or tried to push mobei jun back into the screen

shang qinghua casually bossing mobei jun around to the horror of those who witness it, even more horrifying when mobei jun responds with an angry glare that freezes over everything before just... doing it. secretly, mobei jun likes it. it's just embarrassing how much he likes it and thats why he's glaring. everyone else is wondering if shang qinghua has put some sort of obedience curse onto the king

shang qinghua being carried like a sack of potatos over mobei jun's shoulder while continuing a work meeting like nothing happened, an ding peak disciples having to scurry after the retreating demon lord as they take notes

mobei jun dragging airplane to bed and away from his computer, claw marks in the floor as airplane is dragged by the foot and trying to get back to his writing

kitten!mobei jun sleeping on airplane's keyboard, swatting at his hands every time airplane tries to move him.

shang qinghua having an oral fixation so he's always chewing on something while he thinks and it's sort of driving mobei jun insane. just shang qinghua mildly chewing on the end of a brush while he's thinking and why are so many of the objects that shang qinghua thoughtlessly puts in his mouth phallic?! HE IS NOT READY FOR THIS. mobei jun strugglign with the horny thoughts of "if he wanted, i'd let him suck on my cock while he's thinking" and just losing his fucking mind

mobei jun casually braiding shang qinghua's hair while shang qinghua hunches over paperwork

mobei jun carrying airplane under one arm and airplane!shang qinghua under the other arm with the self satisfaction of a man who has double the man he loves (bonus points for airplane to have a significantly different character design than shang qinghua)

mobei jun glaring with the hatred of a thousand suns whenever shang qinghua looks at him but whenever shang qinghua looks away, he looks soft and besotted. sha hualing is gonna vomit at this tsundere motherfucker

airplane wearing a hamster kigurumi wrapped up in mobei jun's arms

mobei jun casually stealing shang qinghua's melon seeds until shang qinghua loses his temper (but thats victory for mobei jun, secretly he was just trying to get his husbands attention)

[sopaprimordialy]

My favorite part of every Warriors' song

(it was really hard to chose some of those)

Survive the night Bronx. Everything that Bronx says.

Roll Call "As far as you can see from the top of the wonder wheel..." I just LOVE the way Cleon sings this bit.

Warriors Cypher "Ajax, and I'm sick of runnin' off at the mouth, I got two f's for ya'll, fuck around find out!"

Make Way For Cyrus The way Masai says Riffs.

If You Can Count "Imagine what I had to do to stay on top!" I love, LOVE the power with which she sings this. I non ironically almost cry sometimes

Derailed "IT WAS THE WARRIORS! THE WARRIORS! THE WARRIORS SHOT CYRUS" very simple: when I've read "KIM DRACULA as LUTHER" I almost fainted. This line stuck in my head forever. I love the rest of the song but I would be straight up lying.

Woodlawn Cemetery "Rembrandt, just before we go, make our mark and let them know that we were here tonight!" love how this is sang waaa

Leave The Bronx Alive Everything in Spanish, but specially "ASESINA'! ASESINA' VIREN PA CA!"

A Track Fire And A Phone Call "Hey, I found Coney Island on this map :D Figure out how many stops to union square 😼 Come on, that's high math for Rembrandt 😅"

Going Down EVERYTHING! Joking but not joking, "Light one match, don't be scared, you just might watch the world burn!" I like how gentle he sounds here, contrasting with the rest of the song. I imagine it as him trying to genuinely calm Cropsy's fears down in his own distorted crazy way

Orphan Town "CHICKEEEEEEENS! WHAT A COUP FULL OF CHICKEEEEENS!" and, ofc, the way she says buck buck buck buck buck buck BCACK!

Call Me Mercy "LOOK AT THESE WOMEN!" I STG I ALMOST CRY EVERY TIME also the way this song uses basically the same notes as "Burn" 👀 I could even play the main chords just by using the sheet for Burn and changing the order.

Still Breathin' "Gun? Where's the gun? If I am guilty then where's my gun?" and the rest of Cleon's rap. I want to sing like that when I grow up.

Quiet Girls Them being described as "the House of Hurricanes" rather than as a gang; "We live at the edge of the dark but we still make a mark 'cause we spark and we are who we AAAAAAAAAHAHAAAARE~" I'M OBSESSED WITH THIS LINES YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA I WRITE IT EVERYWHERE I CAN

Outside Of Gray's Papaya "You got a problem?🙄🤨 hey I got fifty cents 😀☝ I got a dollar 😊 We gotta find another train 😐❌"

Sick Of Running When Ajax and Mercy sing together "No I'm not scared of what's dangerous! I'll ride or die 'til the day comes, I won't be done in! I'M SICK OF RUNNIN'!"

Park At Night Ajax roasting Barnes the cop. Every single little swearing she throws at him "HA but you wanted to play right? OLD ASS PREDATOR, looking for prey right? BITCH! You allergic to daylight? Talkin' that shit but got nothin' to say right? STAY RIGHT THERE, SMILE MOTHERFUCKER!" ah, so satisfying

Luther Interlude "This is fun! Kingdom come and thy/my will be done" it's so funny how Cropsy's worshiping him here- seriously like, get a partner that looks at you and talks abt you in the way Cropsy does abt Luther bcs HOLY SHIT GIRL WTF'S YOUR PROBLEM?

Cardigans "Matching cardigans? That's cute. You don't wear something like that unless you really care. About looking a fool"

We Got You When it finally ends. I'm joking, I like the little "you sing?" but that's about it 😐

A Light Or Somethin' The whole concept, ofc, because I was NOT expecting a lesbian duet when I listened to it in the first time. The part that was the turn for me to realize what was happening was, of course, "I'm loyal to yoooou~ ... What's wrong? Kiss me :)". After that everything about this song is so perfect that I honestly don't know what to pick

We Got You (Reprise) "Every subway in the city has graffiti so speedy that you never see the pieces right" This is one of my favorite takes in the entire musical. It feels so close to home, you know? And I think this speaks for every artist living in a big city, trying to grasp at every little piece of art among the chaos of urban life. (It's almost ironical how this line is in my second less favorite song-)

Somewhere In The City "And someday in the city we won't have to run each time a broken person gets ahold of a gun! Breathe easy every night knowing we'll see the sun" I was in need of this hope. I really was.

Reunion Square Oh boy... where do I even begin? I could just put the entire song here, but I'll put the part that makes me cry hard every time, especially knowing what happens after this: "I'm sick of being afraid of you... And what you have the power to do! You're the baddest gang in the city, that's true. Ha! And your color's fuckin' powder blue." (I was literally on the verge of tears just from listening to it again to write this) I think the samples used in the police chase part also deserve mentioning. They really are very similar to those in La Haine, I'm SURE that's a reference. Anyway, despite of the sadness, this is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever listened to.

Same Train Home My first instinct is to say "THE KISS!!" but, although I LOVED it, the most emotional part for me was when the DJ starts to sing in first person, including herself instead of just narrating the scene. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the only part this happens: "We're taking the same train home "We're all in the same train home [...] "As we pass beyond King's Highway just before the break of day, we say MAKE WAY FOR US!"

Finale This is a HUGE song with a lot of things happening so I'll just put all of my fav lines here: "There it is, the top of the wonder wheel... the Warriors are here" "Spoke truth to power in our darkest hour!" (literally cried) "Cleon! Our leader... who dreamed of something sweeter!" (love how this is sung) "Warriors come out to play-ay!" (progressively more insane and holy shit someday I'll be as strong as Kim Dracula's throat) "POW! All out of quarters no more extra lives!" (such a nerd) "One on one! Drop the gun. (Or you're a chickeeeeeen?)" (he is) "Sand in your eye, hate in your heart, you only know how to break shit apart! Your crew is scared of you, see how it scatters- My crew would DIE FOR ME, loyalty matters!" "Yeah hi it's Masai 🕴🏿"

ALL THE WARRIORS SINGING TOGETHER!

[nonsenuser]

wcf/ecf sen core anime comps

ok. so this has been bouncing around in my brain for like 3 days and it literally makes NO SENSE at all except to me. but i wanted to write about it anyways so here we go. basically i like connecting my interests with each other and draw comparisons so i was like. hey i can match the remaining nba teams to the anime i rlly like and enjoy. this is not even rlly based of characters (doing character to player comparisons is difficult) but moreso based on the team vibes. its kinda hard to explain, some make more sense than others but i am going to try my best to explain the reasoning behind each choice

also would love to hear other ppls comparisons... doesnt even have to be anime it can be any medium....

this will be from most to least confident matchup

pacers - baccano

once i remembered abt this anime i was like OHH thats perfect. one of my favourite animes but i wouldnt have expected to love it so much if i didnt find it accidently. similarily you wouldnt expect the pacers to be so good until you watch your team play against them. and then your like damn wtf

baccano has so many characters but no one main character, i mean there is a main character (firo) and the story begins and ends with him but he doesnt get a lot of screen time and the story dedicates a relatively equal amount of time to multiple characters. lots like how the pacers play basketball

now the devil magic aspect? a lot of the baccano characters have this supernatural ability to take the lifespans of others (by putting their hand on their head). and the pacers...

also the vibe of the anime... idk its not exactly an emotionally gutting story by any means but it is fun as hell to watch. thats how the pacers feel to me.

timberwolves - flcl

we got some weird characters on the flcl cast. and we got some interesting players on the timberwolves too dont we. without going into too much detail about whos WHO (i dont wanna think about that for too long and i dont have a specific character/player comparison), the range in the personalities, age and general demeanor of these players and the characters in flcl is large. and watching timberwolves games kinda feels like watching an flcl episode sometimes (u dont know whats gonna happen next but its always fun) (think reg season game where they game back to beat OKC in OT and the double OT game with denver). you could also apply the coming of age aspect of the show to players like ant, jaden mcdaniels, NAW etc.

knicks - kaguya sama love is war

i picked this one bc kaguya and shirogane AND miiko ino and ishigami have this like stupid banter and you could apply this to like anyone on the knicks (ahem hart and brunson) and then KAT can be like chika or something. also them being 5 student council members (starting 5, dont ask me whos who, all ik is kat is chika fujiwara) makes sense bc u see them a lot and thibs doesnt like playing his bench (side characters in kaguya get screen time but nooot as much as the main 5). also is the slow burn romance frustrating? yes. but you fall in love with the story along the way (this could be a metaphor for the teams season as a whole or the hart brunson nonsense YOU DECIDE)

okc thunder - monogatari series

im high key cheating with this (its a harem anime) but its about youngsters figuring out life yeah young love etc its inexperienced and messy (MONOGATARI IS MESSY FOR MULTIPLE REASONS) i am NOT comparing shai to araragi dont worry. this is my least confident comparison.

back up comparison is oregairu (also a harem anime sorta) but ehhh i feel like the craziness of monogatari is more fitting for okc :)

if you made it this far thank u for reading...

[hamiltonconfessions-but-better]

Re: the anti-amrev anon

Woah, calm down buddy. I admire the elaborated mental juggling you had to perform to pull that off but... lmao wtf

If you're so angry at the amrev community drawing and writing the white ass founding fathers kissing, you must HATE Lin Manuel-Miranda for writing and performing a fanfic in which the *same white asses* are actually black, singing and still slave owners. I'm ofc being sarcastic, but you somehow said it's not the same thing? Using your own standard, Hamilton the musical as a whole is actually FAR WORSE than obscure, anonymous, random fanfic writers, cause it's literally glorification of those figures in a much more impacting form: one of the most successful musicals of our time.

Again, I don't agree with this argument, I think it's shallow. But it's basically what you did.

And implying ppl are doing this out of racism? Bcs don't try to play dumb here, that's what you're sayin with that last paragraph.

I've never once seen someone trying to excuse their actions or deny the impact this shithole nation's imperialism has globally in the community. In fact, I've seen a much larger amount of well-informed ppl within the amrev fandom than in the Hamilton's, cause we actually study, yk?

Your moralism doesn't help with the problems you claim to be against. Wanna do something abt the systematic oppression we suffer? DO IT. FIGHT IT. BUT DON'T USE IT AS A MORAL ARGUMENT BCS IT'S VERY DUMB.

In conclusion, I hope someday you can see things beyond the moral "black or white, right or wrong, good or bad" view. Maybe Idk talk to ppl instead of accusing them of something just bcs of what they like in fiction, bcs YES, the F in RPF stands for fiction.

confessions referenced: 1

[prismatoxic]

I know you've been having oc brainrot recently, (which, fucking epic btw I just now found out about those guys and they're really fucking interesting too) I was just wondering if you had anything sitting in your brain about promises to keep specifically, something about them that you just can't stop thinking about? Or a thing you really enjoy about their dynamic? Even something completely unrelated to chilaios that you always think about. I'd rlly love to hear abt what makes you tick!

this is such a nice ask wtf

glad you like the sillies, they fill my brain with worms. but as for ptk and/or chilaios...

i do still rotate ptk in my mind fairly frequently, and was actually re-reading it recently so try and get back into the headspace for it. (i got to chapter 4, i have to get back to it soon.) i do have a variety of disorganized thoughts about it

i've been deliberately drawing out the sex stuff, obviously. to tell you the truth i'm not someone who's beholden to realism; i chose to have them actually work their way up to penetration, and actually realistically negotiate the daddy kink, because i thought it fit the tone of the story and would draw things out in a satisfactory way. it also gives me time to explore the different ways their inexperience manifests, show them learning each other's bodies and desires, and explore chilchuck's view of his own body and his relationship to his gender via sex over a longer period of time.

which brings me to another part i put a lot of thought into--chilchuck's gender! i am a fan of a lot of interpretations of him, both cis and transmasc in ways other than what i've been writing. i have plans for at least one fic where he's post top surgery and on T. but i chose to make him pre-everything in ptk for a few reasons, and i'm honestly really pleased with the portrayal. some things i haven't gotten to mentioning yet are that half-foot names are considered unisex (not a headcanon i always go with, but i am fond of it), and he did voice training after he came out. it was more accessible than, like, hormones, at least back in kahka brud, and then he ended up pregnant anyway which delayed doing anything. eventually he decided he didn't really need any of it, anyway. (sorry to deprive everyone of tdick chilchuck 😔.) i like exploring his dysphoria, where it exists versus the many places where he's moved past it, his relationship to sex as a trans man and his concerns about a gay cis man wanting him... while i do insert some of my own experiences into the narrative, chilchuck's transgenderism does manifest in several ways mine doesn't, and it's really fun to figure out what makes sense for him.

speaking of things that are fun to figure out: worldbuilding!! i was told early on that the casual inclusion of "the dungeon age" as a phrase was a really genius method of suggesting the state of the world without exposition, and it very much went to my head, lmao. i do exposition every so often, but only when someone in the conversation doesn't already have the information. so laios explaining monsters and their history, and chilchuck explaining the social structures around half-foots and the differences between kahka brud and the northern continent, are easy ways to try and build on the world i've made--make readers see my vision--without it seeming too out of place. i do hope i'm doing that well, i worry about it when i'm not being subtle, lmao.

other than that--i've set up several plot threads i intend to follow through on later. i really enjoy calling back to earlier things, big or small, and using them in ways people might not expect. (like chekov's plastic wrap from chapters 3 and 10. sorry, chilchuck.) i also thought of a new one while rereading that i think will slot into the narrative nicely. it's going to be a fun ride!!

i hope any of this was interesting :')

[miam0re]

SMUT REQUEST

HI!!!! uhmmm i love the way you write SO MUCH!!!! i was hoping for a requessttt!! i CANNOT stop thinking abt this scenario, i truly hope i inspire you and get u to write my idea 😭😭 i love your work sm!! i feel like my writing lacks so much english vocab when it comes to smut writing, so thats why im here,,, asking such a LOVELY WRITER BTW like damn

respectfully,

- carmine

(p.s, if this ask is too long, im debating to write this idea out but im so scared to post a smut :(( tysm if u consider doing my req!!)

—

context

very close with march, comfy enough to talk about stuff, gossips, anything really, helps each other, close enough with stelle as well

oc!reader trailblazer (not caelus or stelle) having a natural allure, ur so kind, naturally motherly figure like, perfect lover type shit aura, always caring for others, AND oc!reader skillful af (any weapon y/n uses) voluptuous, flexible and speedy as shit, (im fast asf boi) but basically,,, think of,,, a hot and caring killing machine lmfao, her morals are more on the good side, shes kind, all that, but when it comes to battle, holy shit who tf is this mf??? battle lust, ruthless, relentless wtf (and the dynamic and duality of oc!reader seems to naturally attract the men who witnessed both oc!readers combat skills and being acquainted enough to know that this mf is like, the dream goddam)

the hsr men that you encountered are so obviously attracted to u, have the hots for you (canon way to their characters ofc), they all ask march annoyingly, still trying to be respectful to her whenever they can, just to try to get to know oc!reader, mfs cant muster up the courage to GET CLOSER WITH OC!READER!! and march got so fed up that she devised a plan, classic march yk?

— march basically got fed up abt the hsr men asking her about oc!reader (but not because of jealousy n shit, nonono shes happy and amused that her bff is that hot to them and shes so proud of herself for being close n shit) she adds all the men to a gc, and her being the mastermind yk texts and gathers them to a place (be it belobog, xianzhou u choose) and march PLANS to let the curious, secretly needy for ur attention, men eavesdrop in another room.

— SO!!! AND THERE THE SCENE PLAYS!! march had gathered welt, dan heng, gepard, jing yuan shit all of them, they felt so guilty abt this but they were too curious about you, march asked a clueless stelle to accompany her and oc!reader to this whole,,,, situation lmfao, march then asks subtly, not too obvious abt what she thinks about these hsr men.

— you talk abt them so nicely, with details, about yk, all of them one by one, ur so nice, so caring, every voice is filled with affection, march sweating in the bg cause of the hidden men within the room listening in like pervs lmfao

uh oh

— following the display of affectionate words ur clueless fat (butt) ass, march asks a question, a question that would change everything and reveal another side to her, a specific one, subtly nsfw and not at the same time, yk, to not be obvious, "so.. uhh y/n, would you wanna get close to them? one of them at least?"

— oc!reader: "without a doubt, but they... i feel like theres a certain hesitancy of... air around them? a wall? distance? (big sultry pout sigh that lets the men listening in shiver grrrr)" leaving the men ashamed as fuckkk from their hesitancy to get close with oc!trailblazer lmaoooo

march, (narrowing her eyes, disappointed at the eavesdropping hsr men lmao): "... i think they're just complete losers! :D *ahem* how close do you-"

oc!trailblazer/reader, (mf blushing): "-yes."

march: "???? oookay..." (contemplates to ask one of sampos questions, before finally getting the courage to ask) "so... y/n... would you want to be intimate with them? like- you kn-"

oc!trailblazer: "yes." (eyes become fogged with lust as she begins to fantasize about them, not knowing theyre in a hidden room)

march: "???!!!)_9_(__(($#)"!!2?????? o-okay! ahah! uhm... w-who are you thinking of in specif-"

oc!trailblazer: "...i dont care, i can take them all, and not in a fight..." (huffing subtly lmao)

march: "?????????????????? BITCH? HUH???"

oc!trailblazer: [insert slutty horny shit, absolutely bewildering both stelle and march, not knowing the HSR MEN ARE ALL LISTENING]

oc!trailblazer: [insert more slutty whore-y shit, if given the chance she would want to take all of their thick cocks <3 also getting carried away as she forgets march and stelle are with her]

march & stelle: [appropriate canon response of their close friend being so fucking horny]

hsr men eavesdropping: (both horny and disbelief and looking at each other like the spiderman meme shit idk let your imagination run wild)

— lets not forget the men eavesdropping and listening to the one whom they admired talk about getting fucked ruthlessly and mercilessly by all of them, gangbang, as shes finally expressing her inner slut to march and stelle LMAO, u can add their reacts too behind the hidden room conpartment reacting to oc!trailblazer!

—

yeah i

this is one of my ideas and obsessions so i hope u take inspiration and do this... in your own way ofcs! i just typed out dialogues n shit for a clear idea of what im going for, if u read all this thank you so much for at least reading and i hope all kinds of inspiration hit you like a truck !! 😭

Hello there Carmine <3 First of, thanks for the love for my writing like please I'm blushing from your niceness 🤗

Reading through your idea I think I could write up something quick. Maybe the reader is going on about her fantasies of taking the men and then in the other room describing their reactions and thoughts. You say reader and Stelle are different right? I'll keep that in mind while writing.

Also you said that you wanted to try writing this but are scared...I say go for it!! We all start from somewhere. I still remember when I wrote my first few smut fics and they were obviously much worse compared to where I am now but I only got here by writing and writing and I feel like I still have a long journey ahead of me. If you really want to, I encourage you to try writing this in your own way :))

Apart from that, I'll try to write this as soon as I can hehe

P.S. No apologizing for being horny and sharing horny thougts. This is a safe space for thirty people huehuehu

[m1ckeyb3rry]

LMAOO per your post abt tiktok I had no idea that was a thing but I’ve never seen any acc that would be you come up as a suggested account (I rarely get them anyways but when I do it’s usually like some acquaintance of sorts) so from my end youre safe o7

PLEASSEEEE “is it home wrecking if the homes already wrecked” GOODBYE

Niko having to put up with aikus shenanigans is so funny he’s taking one for the team

REAL miraverse reo>>> peregrine getting revamped into “reo is friendless” LOL

UAHAHAHA NO DW YOURE GOOD!! I have not once seen an acc that resembles anything close to what I would imagine to be you (??) no Miras or any accounts with names similar to Mira either I just see the original tiktok and whoever posted it like usual YOURE SAFE but AWEESJHS IM HONORED LMAO but there’s definitely nothing immediate that shows indicating you sent it or anything so I think you should be all good!! Even after looking through all the links you’ve shown in our convo too I’ve never had anything pop up and I doom scroll there soooo Also lowk I can’t remember how many you’ve linked outside of our convo but tbh idk how many people are reading through like the 100k words worth of convo we have so for the TikTok’s you’ve shown me you’re also probably fine

LMAOO I think I need to go recalibrate my fyp and get some yona on there omg

OAEU TIME LETS GOOOO but FR im sure inspo will strike for the req soon! Maybe you’ll get ideas while you’re writing oaeu LOL

LMAOOOO FRR THEYRE SO FUNNY I think its esp funny to think abt bc bllk is canonically live-streamed so imagine in their free time egos like “ok so bc that money grabbing tanuki needs more money yall gotta be streamers and gamers now get on YouTube”

NO FRRR I LAUGHED SO HARD I was trying to figure out wtf that was in zantetsus aura the fucking bullet train has me crying Nagi looking gorgeous and I always appreciate those villainous Karasu panels!!

- Karasu anon

OKAY YAYYY it’s only happened a couple of times for me with people on tumblr like once an anon sent a vid to me and i got the “___ shared a video with you” so i guess they might have seen me?? and just earlier i sent a video to one of my mutuals in an ask and i got a notification saying “___ viewed the video you sent” so they also might have seen my acct which ugh but at least it’s only two people 😰

LMAOO karasu is just helping natural processes along he’s not actually doing anything problematic 😩 the relationship already sucked it’s not like he’s being a bad person (not that aiku cares he’s just excited to pass along his wisdom because nobody but niko even listens to him and niko has 0 interest in getting girls so he’s alone on that front until karasu comes up to him) okay i think the aiku and niko dynamic in the oaeu might kind of be like miraverse tabiori?? like goofy siblings/slight father son vibes…i think it’s what makes the most sense for them HAHAH

half of the high school era in peregrine is just reo being like pleaseee be my friend pleaseeee like in the next chapter which i haven’t finished yet it’s revealed that reo is straight up trying to buy reader’s friendship LMAOAOA he does eventually win her over obviously but it’s not via monetary means 😭 but fr ironically (considering how she doesn’t want to be close to reo because her parents want her to marry him) reo is like the longest consistent relationship reader has in her entire life FJSKDJSH they’re like lowkey also soulmates…the funniest thing is if reader’s parents hadn’t pushed her to marry him to the point that she despised the idea they actually might’ve gotten together 😓 self sabotage on the l/n parents’ part at its finest

HELP OKAY GOOD my irl name is not actually mira but it’s uncommon enough that i wanted to come up w a pseudonym for online in case anyone i know irl found this acct…it’s pretty similar to mira so if it had come up you def would’ve been like “oh yeah this is her” JDFJSJ so that’s good 🙂‍↕️ and OFCCC i’ve become insta friends w a couple of my mutuals from tumblr once i’ve known them for a while 🤩 my rule is if we’ve been talking for enough that i feel like we would be friends irl you can get the irl socials HAHA…also very true…i think outside of our convos i posted that snuffy edit once?? and then the aforementioned tt that i sent to my mutual but otherwise yeah i don’t link too many if it’s not just between us

HAHA if you ever need shinah edits let me know i probably have every single one saved i will happily send my favs (i also have some of the other characters but shinah def has the most because…well it’s SHINAH)

i’ve been like lying on my couch all day doing nothing so no writing done unfortunately but trust i will be back at it and something should be out reasonably soon!! whether it’s a req or oaeu i cannot say but something for sure 🤩

LMAOO the bllkers (except reo because he’s rich 🤑) have to pick up side gigs in order to fund the project…barou starts a cleaning service…yuki and chigiri get into modeling…nagi becomes a streamer but people only follow because he’s hot so he has to do insane fan service in every stream…hiori starts a reaction video youtube channel and gets rin to guest star and they go mega viral because rin consistently says out of pocket bs plus they’re both pretty (rin accidentally gets sae cancelled for a week by saying smth crazy before revealing he’s related to sae)…otoya convinces karasu to become a scammer/find sugar mommies with him…it would be insane LMAOAOAO

I WAS SO CONFUSED AT FIRST AND THEN I WAS LIKE OMFG IT’S A TRAIN!! ig it fits w his backstory where he learned he was fast because he always missed the train???? LMAOAO honestly he’s such an unreal character i love him 😭 and yesss epinagi nagi is always STUNNING but they rlly put the focus on karasu and kiyora this time around like kiyora looked ADORABLE this chapter and karasu looks like a genuine villain but in a fine way 🤩 i can’t help but admit that idgaf abt himizu though like i kinda find him weird (the whole tongue thing is just. uh??? interesting??) and i’m worried abt what he’s foreshadowing w chigiri 😰

[zorange13]

—he’s such a loser, wtf? pjs (part 2)

pairing. geek! park jay x afab poc popular! reader

content. acquaintances to lovers, jay is lowkey a loser but not, ft. popular athletes! hyung line, jay’s an asshole like fr, allusions to The Duff by Kody Keplinger (little me loved that book, i’ve read it twice. i still love it idc. don’t talk to me abt the movie tho…sigh), photographer geek! jay, journalism major! psych minor! reader, arson jokes, playfully questioning friend’s sexuality, making out

word count: 30,974 (5,383 in this part) part 1 here! ao3 ver.

synopsis: jay’s been hiding behind his cool, distant demeanor, never letting anyone get too close. when he crosses paths with you, a popular cheerleader, your unlikely connection sparks a series of misunderstandings, awkward encounters, and him trying—and failing—to navigate feelings he’s not used to confronting. with a secret mission to keep his distance while helping her, jay finds himself caught between his own stubbornness and the surprising depth of his feelings.

after well into writing this i realized that a lot of jay’s behaviors display signs of autism spectrum disorder. this was not intentional but if this does offend or put anyone off in any way PLEASE let me know!! (symptoms/signs such as: must follow certain routines, seeming blunt or rude without intention, taking things literally—as in—does not understand figures of speech or sarcasm, prefers to be alone, hyperfixations,) again, not intentional but i didn’t want to put this out without making it clear that i’m not ignorant to what i’m producing. i literally didn’t put this together until my close friend (who is autistic) told me that these were signs. she said this did not offend her, but obviously she doesn't speak for all! this isn't to offend anyone, if this does then please tell me. my dm's are always open for any reason!

The next few days had been pretty lonely. The group chat you shared with the boys had been active but you never responded or interacted. But in the event that one of them needed to speak with you, you definitely replied. It wasn’t like they did anything to you. 

Jay hadn’t stopped trying to get a hold of you, calling you a few times a day. Texting you. But he gave you space at the end of the day and that was really all you wanted. 

Your mom had told you to check the mail as she had just sent a care package for you. With glee, you went right to the university post office and checked your godforsaken P.O. box. As you opened it, you saw two slips. Which made you furrow your brows in confusion but maybe mom just couldn’t fit everything into one box.

You mindlessly got your boxes and headed to your dorm. As you kicked off your shoes and placed the boxes on your desk, you grabbed a pair of scissors to open the boxes.

Your heart warmed as you saw your mom’s mail: soap, framed pictures from home wrapped in bubble wrap, perfumes, shirts that you mentioned you forgot at home and some new ones, then finally a brand new journal with floral prints on it. 

You grabbed the pictures with a smile and set them on your desk with a smile. Missing your troublemaking siblings a lot more than you’d like to admit. You made a mental note to give them a call later.

But then your attention turned to what could’ve been more to the other box. You opened it with glee, only for that to be replaced with sadness and frustration.

As you pulled the second object from the box, your fingers tightened around it, but the excitement quickly turned to confusion and a simmering frustration. It wasn’t a journal, though it looked like something you might have appreciated if it were from anyone else.

It was a sleek, well-made leather portfolio with a silver clasp, the kind you’d expect a professional to carry. You turned it over in your hands, a sinking feeling in your chest. There was a small embossed emblem on the back—a symbol you didn’t recognize immediately.

Your stomach dropped as you read the letter that was tucked neatly inside, almost as if it were designed to hide the truth you didn't want to face.

The letter was from Jay, written in his familiar handwriting.

“Hey, I know this isn’t something you’d ever ask for, and I don’t expect anything from you. But I wanted to give you something that might be helpful. I used my dad’s connections, and I pulled a few strings. It’s an internship offer at Hybe Publishing, a place that handles journalism and creative writing, stuff I know you’ve mentioned wanting to do. They were looking for someone with your profile, and I thought you might be interested. It’s paid, out-of-state so they’re willing to give you housing, and there’s food allowance.”

“I hope you find it useful. It’s not just a favor. I know you’re capable of amazing things, and I just want to help you get there.”

“I also know I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m here, and I’m trying to do better. No matter what happens, I want you to succeed. Don’t let me—or anyone—hold you back.”

“Take care,

 Jongseong.”

You could feel your heart in your throat as you read the letter again. It was a mix of sincerity, guilt, and distance all at once. You’d been trying to move on, to escape the emotional baggage tied to him, but this—this felt like another string pulling you right back into his orbit. You didn’t want to care. You didn’t want to be grateful for this internship offer, not from him. Not after everything. But a part of you was undeniably touched by his effort. You sighed and closed your eyes, trying to ignore the wave of conflicting feelings that hit you.

The internship could be a great opportunity, but the circumstances surrounding it made it feel...tainted.

You placed the portfolio on your desk, feeling the weight of it, both physically and emotionally. You had a choice now—take the opportunity and maybe let Jay back in, or turn it down, and risk cutting ties with a potential future you could’ve had.

Your heart was heavy, but there was only one thing to do.

—

Jay was in his study, tip tapping away at his laptop. Trying to fill the void of his seemingly never-ending guilt by doing his history essay. But his mind kept drifting to you. The look on your face when you stopped you, the look of disgust when he spoke to you, the fire in your eyes when you finally pulled yourself together. Building up a wall that he’s never seen, but only one that someone would do when they’ve been hurt.

He also hadn’t spoken to the guys that much either since what happened the other night. The narcissistic, petty part of him feeling like they were to blame for the demise of what was blossoming between you two.

If only they hadn’t even brought it up, then I wouldn’t have said that. Then I’d probably be the reason she went to sleep happy that night.

He just needed someone to blame. 

This was the longest he’s gone without speaking to them within the two decades that they’ve been friends. But this was Jay’s problem; his pride, all of his life, has been the epicenter of all of his problems. 

He hated crying because he didn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they upset him.

When his mom told him to wash the dishes as he was enroute to washing them, he turned right back around because now I’m not doing them just because you told me to.

He hated admitting he was wrong when it really mattered, because he hated looking stupid. 

And now, it was happening all over again—this time with you.

It was his pride that kept him from even admitting he was doing things for you—he didn’t want you to see his affectionate side. He didn’t want to look weak, like he cared.

He was too prideful to apologize to you for the first infraction and that only worsened and festered into a worse situation.

So as he stood up to stretch, groaning as his limbs stretched. His butt ached after sitting in the same chair for two hours. 

Mid-stretch he heard his doorbell ring, which caught him off guard. He hadn’t been expecting any guests but he still went down to open the door.

He skipped down the skips, jumping down when he reached the last two. Then opened the door without looking through the peephole. 

 And there you were.

Standing on his doorstep, clutching something tightly to your chest—the box he mailed to you. Your eyes met his, and for a second, neither of you said anything. Jay’s heart jumped into his throat. He half-expected you to be wearing the same anger you wore the last time he saw you, but you didn’t. You just looked…tired. Tired and hurt.

Two emotions he knew too well.

You held out the box toward him, your arms stiff, like the whole idea of being here repulsed you. “I didn’t ask for this,” you said flatly. Your voice was calm, but Jay could hear the crack underneath it—the exhaustion. The sadness. He swallowed thickly, words jamming up in his throat. You shoved the box lightly into his chest, forcing him to grab it.  

“I don’t need a handout to make myself feel better, Jay. I needed respect. And you made it real clear how little you thought of me.” 

You didn’t even wait for him to respond—you turned around, your hair whipping over your shoulder as you walked back down his driveway, head held high. Jay stood frozen in the doorway, still holding the box, feeling every inch of shame burn under his skin.

For once in his life, he didn’t care if he looked stupid.

“Wait,” he called out hoarsely. You stopped walking and turned around to look at him with a sigh. Jay stepped down from the porch, clutching the box against his hip. “I don’t think little of you,” He put the box down on a small table next to him. “I think the world of you, actually.” He edged closer to you, the heat from his chest radiating onto your skin. 

“I respect you, a lot more than you think.” He reached up slowly, carefully. Now the heat from his hand resting on the top of your head, then running it slowly down your curls. He gently pulled at the end of a strand, letting it spring back into place. “I just want you to give me a chance to show you just how much.”

You stared at him, blinking slowly, your heart warring with your mind. Every instinct told you to push him away—to protect yourself, to keep that wall firmly in place. But Jay’s hand in your hair was so careful. So gentle. Like he was afraid you’d shatter if he touched you wrong.

And for once, his voice wasn’t clipped or cold. It was low, raw, almost pleading.

“I don’t know if I can trust you again,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper.

“I know,” he said immediately. “I wouldn’t trust me either.” His thumb brushed over the curve of your cheekbone, tentative. “But I’m gonna earn it. Even if you never speak to me again after tonight—I’m still gonna try. You deserve that. You deserve better than what I gave you. I just need one thing from you.”

You looked up at him, really looked at him—the mess of his hair, the dark circles under his eyes, the way his mouth was set like he was trying to keep it together. Jay, who usually acted like the world needed to catch up to him, was standing there...waiting. For you.

You tilted your head to the side, waiting for him to give you a proposition.

“Just…come inside,” he whispered that last part. A look of desperation in his eyes, pleading. “Please, just come inside. I’ll cook for you, we can watch all the stupid Disney movies you like, a-and you can ask me questions. A million questions and I’ll answer every last one. And I can make you laugh,” He locks your gaze as he rests his hands on your cheeks. “And if you hate me after everything, then I promise on everything I love, I will leave you alone.”

His hands were warm against your cheeks, cradling you like you were something fragile—something precious. His thumbs brushed along your skin, grounding you.

You swallowed thickly, it was so easy to say no—to turn around and walk away. But he was almost hypnotic. His musky, yet sweet cologne. The way he touched and held you like you were fragile and easily broken—which at this moment, you were. The way he spoke to you, like he needed you.

Even with that, it was so dangerous—so easy to say yes. 

And you did. “Fine,” you sigh shakily, “One night,”

Jay let out a breath of a laugh, like you’d just given him oxygen after he’d been drowning. “One night,” he repeated, like a prayer.

He pulled back just enough to scoop the box off the table and then he reached for your hand—tentative, giving you space to pull away if you wanted. You didn’t. Your fingers curled into his automatically, and he closed his eyes for a moment, as if savoring it.

He led you inside—into the warmth of his house, into something uncertain but maybe, just maybe, something still worth saving.

—

The sound of the oven door closing echoed softly through the house as Jay carefully set the temperature and then washed his hands at the sink. His mind was a whirl of thoughts—half of them still about you, but the other half wondering if the food would actually turn out decent.

He wiped his hands on a towel, trying to calm his racing heart. When he turned around, he saw you sitting on the couch, your posture stiff but your eyes tracing the room. He couldn’t blame you for being distant. He wasn’t exactly the picture of trustworthiness.

As he stepped into the living room, he caught the way you looked at the space—familiar, like you were trying to gauge how much of it was still his. So much had changed between the two of you, and it seemed like it was more than just the argument.

You didn’t say anything when he sat down beside you, but Jay could feel the tension in the air. He didn’t push, just letting the silence fill the room.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, he spoke softly. “Feel like talking?”

You gave a slight shrug, the barest hint of a frown tugging at your lips, but you didn’t pull away when he subtly edged closer, facing you. His heart skipped a beat, just for a second.

“I’ll do the talking then.” He chuckled, a little nervous but trying to keep things light. “So, um, I can’t cook for shit. Like, it’s honestly embarrassing. But if you want to help me out in the kitchen after this, I’ll…I’ll consider it an investment in our future.”

You suppressed a smile, looking down at the cushion. “Our future…” You smiled, feeling a bit of fluttering in your chest. “I seriously doubt you can’t cook though. It smells good.”

He leaned his elbow against the back of the couch, smiling a bit as he looked into your eyes. The warm lighting only made your golden skin gleam. “I just follow cookbooks, but I was a bit nervous cooking just now so I’m afraid I might’ve messed up. But if all else fails, pizza?”

You smile, “I actually don’t like pizza.” 

His jaw dropped, but in interest. “Really?”

You shook your head shyly, with pursed lips. “Mm-mm, I’ve had it too much. I just feel like all of the pizzas I’ve had just blend together after a while and they all taste the same.”

He laughs, adjusting his glasses, “I just think that’s…sacrilegious. I mean, I can’t imagine a world without pizza.”

You laughed softly, feeling the tension between you both starting to ease just a little. It was a tiny moment, but it was enough to remind you that the Jay you once knew was still somewhere beneath the mess of misunderstandings and pride.

“If you know great places then I’m down for conversion. I will say I’m not easy to please, though.” You shrug.

“Are you a picky eater?” He scooted closer to you, his knee bumping your hip.

You shook your head, “Nah, but I’m just very choosy with the food I eat.”

Jay’s eyes flitted to the side before looking back at you, “So you’re a picky eater?”

“...Basically.”

Jay laughed under his breath, the sound low and boyish, and it made your heart do a little skip before you could stop it.

“You could’ve just said that,” he teased, nudging your leg lightly with his knee again.

You rolled your eyes, fighting a smile. “I don’t like the word ‘picky.’ It sounds... bratty.”

He tilted his head thoughtfully, giving you that familiar, lopsided smile. “Nah. I think it just means you know what you want.” His voice was softer now, more serious. “Nothing wrong with that.”

The two of you fell into a brief silence, comfortable this time. Jay’s hand brushed yours as he reached for the glass of water on the coffee table, and you didn’t pull away. It felt like something had shifted between you, even if only a little. He could feel the warmth of your proximity, and though your trust was still fragile, you weren’t pulling away entirely.

“I have a feeling you’re not just here for food, though,” he said after a beat, his voice softer now. “Do you wanna talk?”

You met his gaze again, this time your eyes a little softer. There was something about the way he looked at you now—like he really was ready to listen. That slight openness, the unspoken understanding hanging in the air.

You nodded slowly, setting your hands in your lap. “Yeah, I guess…there’s a lot on my mind.” You hesitated for a moment, then added, “I don’t know where to start, though.”

Jay leaned forward slightly, his posture open and encouraging. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

The sincerity in his voice made you take a breath. You still weren’t sure what you wanted to say, but it felt...different. The way he was treating this moment. The way he was treating you. Maybe it was worth it, after all. Maybe.

The oven beeped from the kitchen, and Jay quickly jumped up, eager to distract himself from the heavy silence. “Aha, saved by the bell,” he muttered under his breath, trying to make light of the moment. He motioned for you to stay where you were. “I’ll grab the food, then we can talk.”

—

Jay is usually very particular and prefers to eat at the table, but tonight he set the plates right there on the coffee table, like he didn’t want to be too far from you. It felt almost domestic—your plates side by side, your knees brushing under the low table as you shifted to sit cross-legged. Jay set down a bowl of pasta and some garlic bread, both a little clumsy looking, but still warm and comforting.

He sat down beside you again, closer this time, the couch dipping slightly under his weight.

“I figured it’d be easier to eat here,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “You know...so you don’t run away from me again.” His smile was a little self-deprecating, but there was real hope behind it too.

You picked up your fork, glancing at him with a small smile. “You’re not that easy to get rid of.”

Jay chuckled under his breath. “Not when it comes to you.”

There was that beat of silence again—this time heavier, sweeter, filled with things neither of you dared say just yet. And even though the food was right in front of you, warm and waiting, neither of you moved to take the first bite.

Jay picked up his fork first, twirling it around the pasta halfheartedly before sneaking a glance at you. “You know,” he said casually, “you don’t have to be nice about it. If it sucks, you can just tell me.”

You laughed under your breath, finally taking a bite. To your surprise, it wasn’t bad at all—simple, but good.

“I’m serious. I’m a big boy. I can handle the truth,” he teased.

You swallowed and tilted your head, pretending to think. “Hmm…edible. Not life-changing, but edible.”

He clutched his chest dramatically. “Edible? That’s it? You wound me.”

You laughed again, real this time, and Jay’s shoulders relaxed. It was small, but he could tell—you were starting to trust him again, if only a little.

After a few more bites, the playful atmosphere dimmed into something quieter again, like both of you knew there was more to say. You set your fork down, wiping your hands on a napkin.

“I just…” you started, tracing a small pattern on your napkin with your finger. “I guess I didn’t realize how much it would hurt. Hearing you say those things about me. Like I was just…something to joke about.”

Jay put his fork down too, his brows furrowing as he leaned in closer.

“I was stupid,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean any of it. I was trying to—I don’t even know. Look cool? Save face?” He shook his head, disgusted with himself. “It was the dumbest thing I could’ve done. Especially when you…you meant more to me than any of them.”

Your heart ached a little at the admission, but you kept your expression guarded. “But those are your best friends. But still, why not just say that?”

Jay looked down at his hands, flexing them nervously. “Because I’m an idiot who didn’t think he deserved you,” he admitted. “And somewhere deep down, I figured if I pushed you away first, it wouldn’t hurt so bad when you realized it too.” He sighed, “And yeah they’ve been my friends for a very long time but…I’ve never really felt like this before.”

You swallowed hard, your fingers tightening slightly around your napkin.

There it was. The truth, raw and real.

And somehow, hearing it didn’t make the pain worse—it made it a little easier to breathe.

You nudged your knee against his, just barely. “What does that mean?” you muttered, but your voice was soft, teasing.

He looked up introspectively, “I’ve never really liked anyone before. At least not since I was pretty young so that doesn’t count. But it’s just…all of my friends—I love them. They’ve been there for me in spite of my stubborn ways and I don’t know who I’d be without them, truly. They humble me, support me, and everything else. But in case you haven’t noticed…they have their fun.” He looked at you with a bit of a smile. 

You nod with a laugh, “They do, for sure. Love them though!” You hold out your hands in defense.

Jay nods, “Yeah, of course. But I think because I’m obviously with them all the time and some people assume that I’m like them in that way. And really, a part of me has always wanted something more. I don’t just want to fuck people and that be my life. I know I can have that, but I’d rather not have that with just anybody.”

You blinked, caught a little off guard by how candid he was being. Jay was usually careful with his words—measured, sarcastic when he was nervous—but here he was, laying it all out there, raw and unfiltered.

Your voice softened without you meaning it to. “You want something real.”

Jay nodded, the movement slow, almost hesitant. His knee brushed yours again, and this time it stayed there, the small point of contact grounding you both.

“Yeah,” he said, voice rough. “I want someone who knows me. Someone I don’t have to perform for. Someone who actually sees me...and doesn’t run.”

You stayed quiet for a moment, letting the weight of his words settle between you. Your heart tugged painfully in your chest because you understood more than you cared to admit.

Jay leaned forward a little more, his hands loosely clasped in front of him. “I was scared you were gonna realize how much of a mess I am,” he said, almost in a whisper. “So I tried to ruin it first. Before you could.”

There was a lump forming in your throat now, but you pushed through it, blinking rapidly.

“You didn’t have to be perfect, Jay,” you said quietly. “You just had to be honest.”

He exhaled a shaky breath, nodding, his glasses slipping a little down his nose. His hair was a mess, his shoulders were tense, but he looked at you like you were the only person in the world.

“I’m trying now,” he said simply. “Even if it’s too late.”

You fiddled with your napkin for another beat, heart pounding in your ears, before you finally whispered, “It’s not too late.”

His head snapped up at that, eyes wide, and you watched the tiniest crack of hope break across his face.

He looked almost boyish like that—caught somewhere between disbelief and wonder.

You shifted a little closer on the couch without thinking, your knees brushing again, your hand still twisted in the napkin. Jay didn’t move, didn’t even breathe for a second, like he was afraid the moment would shatter if he so much as blinked.

Slowly, carefully, he reached out and placed his hand over yours, covering the napkin too, his palm warm and slightly trembling.

“You mean it?” he asked, voice low and earnest.

You nodded, a small, shaky smile playing at your lips. “I mean it.”

For a moment, neither of you said anything. The distance between you grew smaller, like the pull of gravity itself was stitching the space closed. His thumb brushed against your knuckles, featherlight, as if memorizing the feeling.

And when you tilted your head just slightly—an almost imperceptible invitation—Jay leaned in too, slow and tentative, like he was giving you every chance to pull away.

You didn’t.

Your forehead brushed his first, a soft, clumsy touch that made you both let out breathy laughs. And then, gently, his nose bumped yours, and the world fell into a suspended hush.

His lips brushed yours—barely, barely there—more a question than a kiss.

And when you didn’t pull back, when you leaned in just a little more, the kiss deepened by the barest fraction. Sweet. Careful. Like he was afraid to break you.

Like he was afraid to break this.

He was a little weary of crossing any further boundaries with you. Jay just wanted to be close to you and this was the first time he had felt butterflies in a very long time. So, he just wanted to be careful with you. 

Jay rested his hand on the nape of your neck, gently guiding your lips closer to his—only deepening it. The warm ambience and distant songs from High School Musical 2 only made this funny and sort of endearing. Hearing “Everyday” while he was doing his best to show you what he could mean to you had made him smile into the kiss.

You, on the other hand, were a little cautious as well. But you yearned to cross boundaries, and a part of you knew that he’d let you. You leaned up on your knees to shift onto his lap without breaking the kiss. To which he instantly complied, hands hovering over your figure as you settled onto his lap. You grabbed them and placed them on your hips as your lips danced across each other’s. 

But as much as he loved this feeling, he hated the fact that his glasses kept bumping your face. He quickly moved back, looking you in the eye as he took his glasses off and tossed them to the other side of the couch. Then kissed you with fervor, his hands finally pulling you closer, fingertips skimming the fabric of your shirt, feeling the heat radiating between you both. The kiss was no longer just tentative—it was hungry, urgent, but still delicate, like you both needed this as much as you needed air. Jay’s hands slid from your waist to your back, pulling you even closer, as if afraid the moment might slip away if he didn’t anchor you to him.

You responded, lips parting slightly as your hands roamed up to his neck, fingers tangling in his hair, tugging him deeper into the kiss. There was a quiet desperation in the way you kissed him, as if you'd been waiting for this moment forever, yet had never truly realized it until now.

The sound of the movie, still playing in the background, felt miles away. The air between you was thick with everything you hadn’t said yet, with all the things you hadn’t dared to feel. But at that moment, none of that mattered. It was just you and Jay. And this.

He slowly lowered you down onto the couch, the tension in your back simmering as your back hit the plush material. He hovered over you, careful not to crush you with his weight. His affection left your lips and traveled to your cheek, then your jaw, then finally fell to your neck. Swirling his tongue along the sensitive area and sucking gently. This eliciting a gasp from you, your hands caught in his hair. 

The heat between you both only intensified as his lips moved over your skin, each kiss sending a jolt of electricity through your body. You could feel his breath hot against your neck, the weight of his body hovering over you, but still, he was cautious—attentive to every little movement you made. His hands, though still uncertain, were exploring more boldly now, tracing the outline of your body as if memorizing every inch of you.

You arched your back slightly, pressing yourself closer to him, eager to feel more of him, to close that last inch of space that still remained between you. His lips left your neck and found yours again, this time with a fervor that matched the rhythm of your heart. He was all warmth, all hands, and you were lost in the sensation of him.

His hands slid under the fabric of your shirt, fingertips skimming the softness of your skin, and you gasped at the feeling. The sensations were overwhelming in the best way, and you couldn't help but want more, just a little more. The urgency, the heat, the way he kissed you like he'd been starving for it—it was intoxicating.

He pulled back slightly, eyes dark with desire, breath shaky. “I think we should stop.”

His forehead rested on yours as you smiled, stroking his cheek with your fingers. “I think so, too.”

His eyes softened at your touch, and for a moment, everything around you seemed to pause. The room, the air, the buzzing of the movie still playing in the background—it all faded away as you both shared that quiet, intimate moment. His chest rose and fell with shallow breaths, still so close, his hands resting on the curve of your waist, but not pulling you any further.

He nodded urgently, pulling you up with him. “Yeah, yeah of course.” You both sat up with smiles, but he playfully yanked you close to him by the leg. Resting it by the outside of his hip, locking him between the couch and you. “Do you still hate me?”

You let out a small laugh, the tension between you two melting into something much lighter. His playful tug had pulled you into his space, your leg draped over his, and for the first time in a while, everything felt easy. You met his gaze, eyes softening as you considered his question. “Hate you?” You shook your head, a teasing smile tugging at the corners of your lips. “I don’t hate you.”

Jay raised an eyebrow, a smirk creeping onto his face. “Oh really?” He leaned in, his voice dropping into a playful whisper. “Then what would you call all those times you wanted to strangle me?”

You snorted, swatting at his arm as you shifted slightly, feeling his warmth next to you. “Definitely not hate. More like... intense dislike.” You grinned, enjoying the lighthearted banter that felt so familiar, so right.

His laughter filled the space between you, the sound genuine and unguarded. “I’ll take that. I deserve it, though,” he said with a shrug, his fingers brushing against your skin lightly as he adjusted his position. “But I’m glad. Glad you don’t hate me.”

You smiled softly, a small, almost shy laugh escaping you. “Yeah...glad, too.” Your fingers traced a pattern across his chest, the easy rhythm of the moment making your heart settle. “But I’m still mad at you, just so you know.”

Jay’s eyes widened in mock horror. “What? I can’t be perfect?”

You snorted again. “No one’s perfect.”

“True.” He nodded sagely, then nudged you playfully. “So, can I redeem myself?”

You met his gaze again, eyes locking for a brief moment. The playful energy between you both was undeniable, but beneath it, there was something deeper that had shifted. You nodded, letting out a quiet sigh. “You’ve already started.”

Jay’s smile softened, his fingers brushing your cheek in a tender, almost reverent way. “Good. I’m not going anywhere. Not if you’ll have me.”

For a beat, you both just looked at each other, the playful teasing giving way to something a little more real, a little more fragile, but also more promising than either of you had expected. And maybe that was enough for now. The rest, the future—everything else could come in time.

And for tonight, you were okay with that.

You got a 94 on that project.

-

Copyright: © zorange13. 2025. All rights reserved. Do not repost, copy, or distribute without permission.

[razielwritesstuff]

i wanna write sumn abt genshin characters..... but like...... i do not have a grasp. on htem.. cries

[froagie]

I 100% support u in everything u say abt zl and everyone else. Ur comics give me life fr

Thanks so much here are some more zhongli facts. (Source: Me)

his house is actually huge but only like 1.5 rooms are navigable because everywhere else is filled with random rocks and trinkets he "bought", hes like Oh the pattern on this cor lapis looks like a bird in flight it would be a shame not to buy it

he is Teyvat's Most Divorced Milf

he owns 7 copies of the same outfit and 1 of hu tao's outfit in his size that she kept trying to make him wear because it would be "cute if the funeral parlor was matching" (He doesnt wear it)

he used to just have his Tits Out all the time but realized when hed be giving orders to the adepti literally nobody would pay attention so he started wearing a shirt

knew shenhe when she was a kid and she would tug on his ponytail all the time and also bite his spear and the spear still has teethmarks in it to this day

every few centuries or so venti and zhongli get divorced again (for fun), the most recent time they tried to get a divorce (lantern rite) they couldn't afford it because Yanfei started hiking up her prices exponentially because she was sick of dealing with their bull shit

he has mastered the art of manipulation which is how he manages to almost always buy everything for the price of free and the manipulation in question is smiling at them shoujo manga love interest style, OR using childes fatui bank funds that he never bothered to change the PIN on, btw childe is in huge trouble with the harbingers for using exponentially more than his allotted share of fatui funds, thats why the last time he was in an event (the one with yoimiya) he was talking about how he has to keep an eye on his spending

xingqiu writes in-universe RPF about Rex Lapis under an alias, and gets into multi-page heated arguments in the comments with keqing (also commenting anonymously) about the characterization in the middle of which is user TartagliaLapis asking if he takes character x reader commissions. xiao went to the AO3 message board or whatever in the dead of night when no one can see him to read the rex lapis fanfiction then he adds another comment like "Rex Lapis would not fucking say that"

zhongli and baizhu play mahjong together with old grandmas at 5 in the morning #enrichment

the first time that zhongli painstakingly made almond tofu for xiao he didnt even eat it because he was like Rex Lapis Made This For Me. I Must Treasure This Forever And Preserve His Culinary Creation For All Of Eternity. and he put it in like one of those glass cases you put anime figures in. next time zhongli visited him he was like Oh dear... was the almond tofu not to your liking? Im sorry :( and xiao almost kills himself right then and there but hes like No my lord it was delicious and perfect like everything you do and he smashes the case open and shoves the entire plate in his mouth and swallows it in one go and starts gagging and choking because he didnt even chew and probably swallowed some glass too and then he faints and wakes up in baizhus office and hes like wtf happened then he sees zhongli waiting by his bedside looking worried and he remembers what he just did and passes out again from the sheer embarrassment

[spinosworks]

a fate worse than getting a call from the county jail

twin au where danny is put on trial in the ghost zone but since the ghost zone's judicial system is a mess they call for a character witness from various periods of his life bc he's still technically living

(a word about the court proceedings. due to the fact that i know next to nothing abt real court and i don't want to do research for a prompt i have no time to write, the entire trial is going to be on some ace attorney bullshit.)

damian gets ghost jury duty (i know it's not jury duty but that was too funny not to write)

as it turns out, getting the news that your brothers ghost is still around from a glowing green figure that materialized in your dining room is not a great way to get news. if you want to start the trial right away, damian is whisked off in his pjs. if he gets some time, it takes place that night. still, it's not a lot of time to process that you're about to see your dead brother who is apparently a criminal.

well dannys always technically been a criminal. murder is very much illegal no matter what age you are.

damian isn't allowed to know what the charges are bc it may influence how he recounts the testimony. this does not bode well to damian.

danny on the other hand does NOT know that damian is even going to be there. so the first time they lock eyes across the court room danny is a complete mess.

but guess what's an even bigger mess? the fact that the last time the twins saw each other they were literal baby assassins.

the character witness doesn't help in the slightest. if anything it goes even worse (but for who?)

damian gets to bond with the ghosts of the far frozen during the recess.

WAIT IS FROSTBITE DANNYS LAWYER?? if so i will only be putting him in more elaborate robes, no matter how funny the idea of him in a suit and tie is. non western traditional garb is professional and i will not fall into that pit.

ANYWAYS

frostbite is dannys lawyer but he's kinda bad at it,,, (the far frozens court system is a lot more straight forward)

he's basically the pheonix wright of the courtroom. he's gonna get the job done but by god is he gonna make some mistakes.

damian is going to have to be his maya or smth. damian is reading the court files (which are horribly put together who wrote this shit??) to try and help frostbite put a case together and???? WTF HAS HIS BROTHER BEEN DOING WITH HIS AFTERLIFE

to those wondering where the rest of the trio are, they weren't allowed to know where the trial is taking place due to their history of helping danny break out of prison. this doesn't stop them from trying to break him out. or stop them from getting help 👀👀

that's right kiddos, they go to gotham. not for the bats, but to figure out why one of the waynes is at one of the most prolific ghost trials in centuries (dannys gone around the block at this point. people are curious to see the verdict, if any)

kitty and jazz are friends so kitty let's slip what's going on and who exactly showed up.

('why the hell is damian wayne there?!')

that's all i have for right now, kinda fond of it so i may write smth short for it.

probably not so go wild with it. anyone is welcome to cannibalize this for parts.

(oh yeah the song i was blasting while writing this was innocent man by billy joel. just thought it'd be funny to mention)

[streamdotpng]

Also wondering if you could correct me on the timeline of the streamer enid au this is just from what I can recall/guess but please correct me! ->Nevermore from show hyde stuff -> Second year stalker & relationship beginnings, stalker murder & proposal -> Third year: Graduation & Marriage. Viper Series starts getting published during this time & the series is semi popular but not big & Wednesday isn't a well known figure yet. -> After graduation figuring themselves out enid settling down in a house and starts streaming as Endespair, is known as a super fan of the obsecure viper book series. Wednesday starts travelling & is writing viper books, both are still in love but having some independance from eachother after being so close in such intense situations & still sending letters & calling eachother. A bad movie adaptation of viper series is made, enid rants about it on stream. -> Wednesday does a remake of bad Viper movie & Enid has a major role & some of other nevermore friends are in it -> Wednesday starts acting/directing etc & becomes a horror scream queen & gets super popular and is also known as super focused and workaholic. Viper books get super popular also. while Enid starts stunt double & Extra work credited as Enid Addams known as Sin Addams on set -> Wednesday & Enid collab on new book Lycoan Curse & it is published credited to Wednesday only, it's a hit. -> Wednesday acts/ helps direct Carnage & enid joins on Carnage as stunt double for it, is an extra in wednesdays next movie Scream in smaller roles -> Lyocan Curse announced to be adapted into show, & Wednesday finally done with ldr and wants to come home to Enid -> Wednesday & Enid get cast as main roles in Lyocan Curse & Wednesday is home with enid now, they are adorable and I love them Am unsure what the timeline is for the bad viper movie & wednesdays remake of it, esp since i think it was before wednesday got popular but am unsure how much that time it gives between having a bad viper movie get made to then having a remake greenlit also if it was during the ldr🤔 Apologies if this feels super nitpicky not trying to be, just trying to wrap my head around the timeline cos I love this sm! anyway ahh sorry for such a long ask, Wenclair and these Au's have me in such a brainrot, I got obsession in my bones -🐅

wenclair start dating by mid to end of 2nd year! Its also the year when Wednesday finishes the book Hyden truth and gets it published around the time the 2nd semester stars.

The marriage happens right after the proposal (both happening in third year, near the end of the actual lunal rite) with maybe a day or two difference just for them to get better from their wounds. Its also the year that the bad adaption of Hyden truth gets made and showcased.

Wenclair and a few of the gang make their own lil remake by themself after graduation. So its not that good of a quality but the effort is shown. Its posted in Enid's old abandoned youtube channel.

The same summer the remake is made, Wednesday makes and publishes her lil short story book that is going to start the monsterfucker allegations in a year or two.

You got everything pretty spot on tiger :D! you did amazing, holy shit. I didn't expect someone to pay that close attention

The announcement of Lunal Curse being adapted isnt when the wenclair ldr ended tho. The 'exile' ended when Wednesday finally sent the final drafts of the book Lunal curse and has it published, she then goes to pack her bags and runs back to enid.

youre so true for this

Wednesday is home with enid, they are adorable and I love them

THEYRE JUST SO CUTE

But just incase, the remake wasn't done during the ldr :) so don't worry abt it

and no worries abt the long ask, i totally get people wanting to understand more on wtf is happening so i appreciate people asking me to expand more :D

thanks again for the ask tiger, have a good dayyy. I totally understand the brain rot, i have it too

[elekinetic]

user elekinetic do you have any tips to spare for outlining fics 😭 i feel like I word vomit any of the concept that I have in my head, and dialogue ,and build off that adding paragraphs as I go and I go so slow bc of it. But ive been trying hard lately to write a list of “scenes” and bullet point the story but yeah.

do you know anything that could help me have an idea of where to go start to finish instead of starting at the random spot I’ve come up with first? I waste so much writing time because I haven’t built a backstory for characters and things like that so i don’t always know how they start the story off, only the situation they’re in. Is that something that could help? Making a list for each character or something? Would love to hear your thoughts thank you! <3

hi! first of all i’m so flattered you asked! to be clear, i am a very slow writer too lmao and i’m relatively new to prose writing, and though in very confident in my understanding of what makes a good story (W screenwriting), i am still figuring out my outlining process. but hey! let’s learn together.

sorry in advance for how long this is. i love talking.

so i basically figure everything out in the outline and write after i feel very good about it. if you have a strong foundation, everything gets a hell of a lot easier. t kind of sounds like your process might be similar to mine, so i’m just gonna explain what i'm doing for my current project.

my key document is my “bible.” i split it up into a couple different sections using page breaks (page breaks my best friend ily page breaks):

pitch/word vomit summary

scene ideas

outline

notes

ok so wtf does that mean.

1. pitch/word vomit summary — explain your concept. bc i've got a film/tv background, im starting off with my logline. (e.g. "after robin learns will is gay, they have a heart to heart in an abandoned video store about insecurity and feeling alone. they learn they're not." sometimes i'll follow that up with a note to myself like, "this fic isn't robin finding out, this is what happens after. starts with her already knowing. will pov, focus on his perception of robin changing. subtly reference toward feelings about mike, dont come out (haha) and say it") then, i write as MUCH of the concept down as i can, like i'm explaining it to a friend. (sometimes i copy and paste rants from dms directly into the document). it can be totally out of order, non-sensical, contradictory. just get as many of your ideas down as possible. you want to be able to come back to this and be like, oh i totally forgot about that. vague chapter summaries, personal notes about themes, whatever you want. i have a list of beats that you find in romantic dramas for inspiration and a paragraph abt ways i want to parallel/subvert s3 of st. just. go ham. 2. scene ideas — this is pretty self explanatory. i take some of the stuff i have in the p/s and flesh it out, or put down new ideas. this is where i'm writing out dialogue in bullet points, or what i want them to be Really Saying. (e.g. "mike: [panics bc he feels seen, tries to flip it back on (redacted) and fails] ") this is for when i can see stuff more clearly or i get out of the shower with a whole exchange in my head. gonna be out of order, a little all over the place. 3. outline — so. this is where you start piecing it together. put the bullet points in order. figure out objective of each scene and what needs to happen to accomplish that goal. figure out pacing, what needs to happen when. this step is where im looking at dialogue and thinking "why does mike say that? why does he feel that way? what needs to happen to get him to this point emotionally?" or looking at scenes and thinking "these are two scenes with people arguing back to back. lets make sure they feel different and give the characters different tactics to get what they want (byler argument where mike is avoiding will vs max argument where max is avoiding lucas. i could use this to highlight similarities and differences in the relationships, but having two scenes with the same tactics back to back might feel repetitive. maybe i move the scenes farther apart or change circumstances. maybe mike and will are having a veiled argument while theyre with a group of friends in a public space and max and lucas' argument is outside max's house.) also asking if conflicts are resolved too quickly, if the miscommunications feel too convenient, if characters disappear or are only around as plot devices. write. troubleshoot. repeat. 4. random notes — everything else that doesnt fit. for me this is literally just taylor swift lyrics (writing the fic vaguely off of a Specific Song that SHOULD BE STREAMED MORE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE anyway) and links to posts i use as character reference to make sure im staying true to the characters. (remembering will said "i was being a total jerk to el, i deserved it," AND "you're ruining everything, and for what!"/"i wasn't moping!")

i want it to be clear im doing all of this at the same time. im jumping around and pulling new ideas and rearranging as stuff changes. i think the thing that's really hard is that i want to be able to sit down, write the outline, and then move on. but for us scatterbrained writers, you're gonna have to re-outline and readjust like. a thousand times. and that's okay. that's good! it feels tedious as hell but the story is so much better for it.

take your time. let yourself be slow. keep finding holes in your story and fill the world in as you fix them.

here are some more questions i ask myself to make the story better:

What are you trying to accomplish over the course of the story? What is it about? (for the will&robin fic, it was something about feeling seen for the first time.) When you get lost in your story or aren't sure why a scene feels stale, come back to this. is the scene furthering that goal?

What is changing internally for each of your main characters? (yes theyre dating by the end but like. what do they learn.)

Are the side characters people or props? (will pov scene of a party-wide picnic where everyone's talking but will is focused on mike's hands.... where is max's head at in the scene? you don't have to have a super long backstory and she doesn't have to be a big part of the plot, but if she's saying something, figure out why she's saying it. if will is having a heart to heart with el, understand why el is responding the way she is. the scene's goal may be to get will through a breakthrough, but el's circumstances will change in the scene too. figure out how this conversation lands with her. oh, and remember the adults are people too!)

Why is this character saying this/why are they responding this way? (this should answer your "where do i start?" question. start in that random spot and figure out A) why they are there and B) why they are reacting the way they do (see last bullet point).

side note: some of the best advice i ever got was "enter the scene late, exit early." skip the prologue. try starting from that random spot. if it feels like something's missing, figure out exactly what that something is, and go from there

Do the stakes feel high enough?

What do i need to set up to make sure this scene/beat is satisfying as possible? (are will and mike going to have a big argument? oh, so we have to show tension before.... BAM you have another scene to write and your outline is fuller)

i could go on a lot longer but. basically.

i edit while i write. i'm someone who needs a very fucking strong outline and a very fucking clear idea of the story before i can start writing it. i'm putting probably 70-80% of the leg work in at the start so i can focus on making the prose (or script, most of the time) the best it can be.

THAT BEING SAID, this is just the way i do it and i have like. a fic and a half published. im taking my sweet time bc im creatively burned out and this is for fun first and foremost. like i said. i am a Very Slow Writer.

i highly, highly recommend hitting up the ask boxes of writers like @/strangeswift, @/wiseatom, @/astrobei, or @/andiwriteordie. no guarantees on responses bc they are busy ppl with busy lives but i really do think theyre some of the best writers out here right now, and im not just saying that bc they're my friends. abby (strangeswift) and i have been each other's sounding board through a lot of projects and she's almost done with one of her first Big Fics, so its worth asking her about that.

i hope this helps! ah!!

[peachycrime]

SLK or Spider/Kiri/Lo'ak Headcanons

idk what these will be about tbh i’m just writing as i think of stuff lmao

Kiri had a phase where she was convinced she was a witch because everywhere she went an animal would just waddle up to her

Spider, Lo’ak and Jake talk to babies like they’re grown people, like no baby talk and it’s hilarious

Lo’ak was once holding a baby, and you know how you hold them high in the air and they’re above you? Yea they were having a moment and then the little creature threw up all over his shirt and started giggling right after

“Dude seriously? we were having a moment wtf” it took everything in him not to just drop the baby

Lo’ak would copy everything Jake did as a kid, his lil mini me fr

Lo’ak’s first words were either dad or Teyam

Spider and Lo’ak both have severe anger issues and lord knows what would happen if they ever turned on eachother abt that anger

Lo'ak is always reprimanded about the things he does, gets yelled at and gets in trouble in situations where he isn't truly at fault. Authority figures never let him explain himself and always assume he's lying or trying to makes excuses and they expect him to just take it and move on. He does, but all that annoyance and anger at a situation he can't help tends to come back up a lot.

With Spider on the other hand, adults can never seem to shut up with their backhanded comments,

"you're nicer than i thought you'd be considering your dad"

"Oh wow you're so smart I didn't think you'd get it'

"You look just like him" (in a bad way)

"Oh you're good at this, who would've thought"

All this stuff and he can't really say anything because he'd be proving them right. So he stays silent, doesn't argue back and boy does he hate it.

One time Neytiri made a comment on the wrong day at the wrong time and he honestly considered violence before he just silently walked out of the room. He definitely punches and breaks stuff but he tries to restrain himself which adds to the pent up anger

They've both used that anger on their bullies, Spider broke the guys nose and dislocated his shoulder by pulling it up his back and making him promise to never show his face again

Lo'ak just went straight to the punches, broke the dudes nose and left him slack jawed

So if you ever catch them in a slightly off mood and you even try to talk to them or act any sort of way, you're getting sent to the nurse. I'm sorry i don't make these rules

Kiri is the mediator, she doesn't want to be but she sometimes ends up being the most rational because when she's upset, anger isn't her default unlike the other two

Lo'ak collects comic books, Jake started the obsession and he went wild. Have a comic or manga you wanna borrow? Vintage or not it's probably in his room somewhere

Spider is a math genius, the formulas are just free balling in his head and it makes it easy for him.

He's also a literature enthusiast but has a hard time expressing his own ideas on paper, great public speaker though

Lo'ak definitely over analyzes his favorite characters, gets sad and cries silently abt it

Kiri is an all around science nerd, she goes to class just because she enjoys helping out w hands on science stuff, most of the content isn't new for her

Kiri despises chemistry, she understands it but finds it uninteresting. Ofc biology and botany are where it’s at

All language nerds

All great at physical education, i mean like the actually science behind the body, they have all the muscle names memorized etc

Kiri is their little jewel, Lo’ak especially, he tries to make it the least obvious but Spider definitely tells her how much Lo’ak cherishes her

Spider is very open with his affections, he just doesn’t feel the need to hide it, they live that loves that about him

Spider and Neteyam know how to cook a mean meal, put them in a kitchen together and you’re literally drooling at the smell

Spider is a spicy food enthusiast right along with Jake and Neytiri

Kiri has had a cat for 4 years, Jake has only known for 2 years because he used to be terrified of them and Kiri didn’t want him to freak out

He now carries said cat like it’s his mini purse

I’m all out

i’ll be delivering some locorro crumbs soon!