#trying to learn to live again
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What if WWX lived to see his forties in his original body (without the core, of course)
#mdzs#mdzs fanart#wei wuxian#mo dao zu shi#why is he wearing the jiang attributes? bc this is an au where for him to live he had to never cross paths with WQ again#he didn't learn about the camps and stayed a jiang disciple#did you think it was a happy au oh guys i don't do happy aus... i can only do “some things are better but some are worse”#how does jc feel about wwx aging? oh he's trying his best not to care but he's secretly hoping to find a way to slow it down#so he wouldn't have to watch wwx die prematurely (by cultivators' standards)#lwj isn't coping well either lol
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Innocent changes the rules to allow priests to marry, but they can only marry other priests bc of issues regarding inheritance and nepotism and potential distractions that might come with family life (also heavily implied that they are expected to still be chaste so it's not really a marriage it's more... "lifetime partnership").
Queue bellesco chaos wedding. Aldo agrees after Tedesco proposes for the eleventh time (while Aldo was fucking him, mind you). Thomas almost dies on the spot when he hears about the engagement.
They're both bridezillas. Mandorff has to study ceremonial code for three weeks to figure out how it's supposed to be done while both Aldo and Tedesco ague about it (with him and with each other). The ceremony is heteronormative to such a degree that Tedesco (being lower in the church hierarchy) has to be referred to as the "bride".
The media is going nuts about it, the coverage is on the level of a british royal wedding. What do you mean the progressive secretary of state and the archconservative patriarch of Venice who were both trying to become pope six months ago are getting married?????
The ceremony is public (and live-streamed) and Vincent panics while pronouncing them "husband and wife in their service to the Lord" and blurts out that Aldo "may kiss the bride". That was not in the script AND it's their first kiss.
When they are sent off on their honeymoon Aldo realizes this entire thing was just a scheme to force him to take a vacation and to keep Tedesco distracted while Vincent pushes through his most radical reforms.
#bellesco#aldo bellini#goffredo tedesco#aldo's younger sister (last family he has) and goffredo's 150ish nieces and nephews are in attendence#the incomprehensible yet glorious memes that could be made out of any stillframe of the live-stream🥲#sabbadin (not realizing he's being filmed) rolling his eyes during their vows (that focus more on God and the church than each other)#thomas crying (out of happiness? out of dispare? who knows)#aldo and goffredo start making out and vincent is like 😶 right behind them#he looks over at thomas with panic in his eyes having no idea what he's supposed to do#they spend their honeymoon in an tiny old monestary in southern italy without access to the outside world#there are like three monks there who put them up on the floor they rent out as an airb&b to newlyweds and supply them with as much#wine as they can drink and let them just hang out in the garden and chapel and try to ask them to please not argue so loudly they're#upsetting the bees:((#and when they come back tedesco has been forced out of his position as patriarch bc his supporters were like He's a 'wife' now he cant#be Patriarch! so he has to move to the vatican to be Aldo's little housewife and he hates it but at some point my OC who I haven't given a#name yet jokes that he should read some cynthia enloe and learn that his position as the secretary's wife is actually hugely important#for the vatican's diplomatic missions and he does and realizes holding cocktail parties for foreign diplomats is His Thing and it makes him#feel powerful again!!!!#and he gets lowkey domesticated bc sure he and Aldo still argue but he doesnt mind getting to sit on Aldo's lap after a long night#of using his former stance as a conservatice to charm european n american politicians into giving more resources to refugees and victims#of climate change and western imperialism#Holy tags longer than the actual post batman!
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I really do think looking at bad writing is one of the best ways to learn about writing in general, especially for beginners.
the thing is, writing in general is highly subjective- a good sentence will be good in different ways to different people, or not impress someone at all.
a bad sentence? most people can spot bad sentences easy, especially if it is presented to them as 'here's an example of a bad sentence, let's unpack why.'
bad writing can also be very funny, which I think is again often more engaging than 'here's a work of literary genius go analyze it'. Like here's some bad writing from lightlark3:
The moment it was out of Horus’s grip, his body became bones. The flesh turned to ash. He became a corpse.
it's dumb as hell, but I think could foster a solid discussion when you ask 'why? what is the author intending to say? what about it makes it feel 'clunky'? How would you write the same idea?'
#truly pointless posting of just. thoughts in me head#“of course you'd say that guy who has a special interest in bad writing” okay but I think it's true#thinking about chatgpt and writing and just going 'goddamn I wish I could help the youth with writing bc it can be so fun'#'analytical skills are so important in general especially with writing and reading and I think this is a fun good way to introduce that'#I don't do full on breakdowns of examples of bad writing that much in reviews vs more in context talk...#but I do hope I do a good job of trying to explain my thoughts and how I got there and how things can be viewed from many angles and not ju#t that things are bad but why. sometimes I feel very repetative when I explain stuff but then i think what if my vid is the first time#someone is exposed to some concept. I don't want them to learn 'this trope sucks' i want them to know why and how it fails and what it is#i guess....... rambles. I don't think I could be a teacher esp not go to uni again but its a thing I've always been passionate about#bc I have this dumb naive idea I can communicate with people and help them understand things#I also just want to be a positive influence on people's lives. idc online but I used to co-run dnd for mixed age group#and I enjoyed being that aspect of 'after school club adult'. I didn't have a lot of adult support as a kid so it's nice to be that!
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The Warden
Panel: No escape.
Ok, now just some silly ideas to share (playing around with the au)
Comic 1: Invading dreams



Extra: no thanks.
Comic 2: Unwanted attention

#naruto#naruto fanart#kakashi hatake#rin nohara#obito uchiha#infinite tsukuyomi#fanart#art#my art#sketch#drawing#digital art#hello i have yet to combust#just some drawings to share to get back to posting#playing around with styles of coloring#anywayss went back to the infinite tsukuyomi au#it’s started off as trying to learn and bring back information or dreams to entertain kakashi#(being aware of being trapped is taking a toll oh him)#but soon as they continue to view around and traveling through the roots#seeing how everyone has a different look on him#they catch a glimpse of obito looking around#so the journey starts as it makes sure that he’ll never get his hands on him again#hiding him with the cocooned as much as possible and#(at some point it detaches itself from the original genjutsu and lives off kakashi chakra)#then#be it build a defense around the mind or alternatively#erase memories that kakashi has of him#the genjutsu conclusion is that this is what will make Kakashi happy#if he never remember then the pain associated with it would cease#kakashi is horrified to know with pasting time his mind is essentially being tampered with
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still kinda not over ichiro taking a bite out of his hamburger in the leaders bonus hypster track and going 'it's so good!! it tastes really meaty!!' lmao
#vee queued to fill the void#ichiro's been shown to be somewhat neglectful towards himself when it comes to food lol#he knows what tastes good to have made the world class yamada curry tho despite not having the vocabulary for it lol#and that's the most important part tbh lol tho i kinda wonder if he workshopped it with anybody 🤔#like in that dod chapter where samatoki gives ichiro his new home and business lol before daddy samatoki showed up#the bros were all eating convenience store bento boxes which means none of them were cooking for each other yet#and that might be consequence of their living space at the time lol but what if after the upgrade#ichiro felt more obligated to cook for his bros so they could grow well with good food and needed advice on cooking lol#i think it'd be cute if nmcd all got together to help ichiro learn to cook is what i'm saying lol#equally as cute is if the bros got together and taught themselves (tho that may have been a trainwreck lol)#but jiro and saburo both describe the yamada curry as ichiro's so that tells me it's usually an ichiro recipe#but anyway samatoki learned to bake for his sister ichiro would definitely be the same mindset#but let's give ichiro more happy moments associated with food like kuukou's lowkey already been trying to do lol#and have all his friends workshop the recipe with him 🥺🥺🥺#vee is arting#save for that kuukou comic this is the last of my art backlog lol#which means no more art for another three months or sumn lmao 😭😭😭😭😭😭#(i need to promise to myself to not go that long without drawing again lol 😭😭😭😭😭)
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old drawings i found and enjoyed while looking for something else
#a doodley#i dont know what happened. some of these are from so little ago and i cant do em anymore#i used to take full color full body couple comms now i cant even draw oc self ship interactions anymore.#granted the comms werent that good either but ykwim i cant even do it for leisure anymore#and its also so weird when i look at my old stuff that i always have like. non linear improvement. it rises and falls all the time#thats not good! why cant i Keep what i learn! and why does Learning make my art worse when im trying to make it better....#its crazy seeing how well i could draw faces (sometimes) before i started studying faces. now they rarely look as good.#alas. once again i feel im the result of a non artist forcing their way to it ykwim#an equivalent of a land mammal trying to live underwater
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I feel like a lot of people think jeanne got watered down to being vanitas' love interest because they assume her introduction personality is her. Actual personality.
#and not the product of years of abuse#mannn jeanne is a sweet woman with an immense amount of trauma who cares deeply about other people and latches onto scraps of affection#as a result of aforementioned abuse#+her self worth is null and she is constantly in a state of guilt#she is trying to learn to live again#i get people who say her relationship w vanitas is toxic and get extremely confused over this more than people#who say their relationship is very sweet and wholesome but#idk man this is just not interpreting the story in good faith#why would mochizuki jun write a toxic relationship#vnc#vanitas no carte#the case study of vanitas
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taking it hour by hour at this point
#feeling. slightly better. holding on#it’s not entirely the election. but it adds to a growing feeling of things being out of my control#i am an impatient person and i live in the future and the past but never the present. its my biggest fault#but i am trying to breathe and not distasterize over and over again#i skipped class again today. i didn’t have the energy. but im learning its okay sometimes to not overwork myself
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an attempt at flamberge , no.2 ( {reference} by @dvinaamesca )
#turns out i did draw more . have another one#came out worse than puppet string but whatever. we live and we learn and we try to draw sexy arms#those fingers are the BANE of my existence i swear i can never get them down quite right . thus mess of lines#what else what else.......#finally reached rosa isabelle again. will be fighting romeo soon again. can't wait to cry after beating him again#post anesthetics posts#my my my art#lies of p#rib stolen
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2024 Round-Up and Review
2024, aka The Year I Discovered I Love Drawing Baz With Long Hair.
But also.
Honestly?
(Yeah, I'm going to be honest. Yeah, it's going to be a long post. Buuuut it's my blog, so here we go!)
This past year was rough. Really rough. In many ways as difficult as 2020, and in some ways, even harder than that. I lost my specialized medical care after 2023, and my health tanked in 2024. Medication changes, chronic illness/pain, and the hardest thing of all was... this idea I seemed to have that if I could just fake it enough, I could make it. Like I could deny my disability into non-existence. Pretend it away.
Instead, I ended up pushing myself past the breaking point, with the worst possible timing ever.
And THEN (when I desperately needed to stop and rest), I packed up my life and moved across a continent. (I hadn't moved since college. So I thought I'd move and it'd be done. That was wrong. Ahem. I'm still moving in...)
But the GOOD that happened last year came in the form of friendship. That's not just a line. My friends were my lifeline. To those friends who stuck it out with me even when things were far from easy, thank you. You are the most incredible people I know, and your friendship has given me reasons and opportunities to feel joy and hope where I might not otherwise have done.
Okay. So. The ROUND-UP is... *drum roll*... Under the cut!
At first I was a bit bummed to see I'd only finished 9 pieces of art during the entire year. But since I am being honest... I know I did my best, and so clearly the best I could do last year was nine pieces of art. So many of those pieces were attached to amazing projects, though! I got to do several collaborations with some truly amazing human beings, and I also got to run my very first fest for the fandom! So I'm calling it good.
Now, finally, the art links:
(I won't be including works in progress on this list, as I still hope to finish them at some point XD)
January: Oh my God, January. I didn't finish anything in January, but I worked on a lot.
February:
Tis better to give than to receive - This was my contribution to Erotic Grope Fest, and it was my first time doing anything NSFW. It's pretty tame, all things considered, but I think it still fit the mission. Also ended up posting a high-res version of this on AO3. Because. I mean. Come on. XD
March:
Three lost boys (found) - I started out as a beta reader for @mooncello's inspired take on Neverland, but by the time I received chapter 2 I was very nearly begging to be able to illustrate it. I'd had this particular image in my mind after reading the matching scene in chapter one, but had tried to suppress the inspiration. Silly me. I'm so glad I gave in. This is a favorite of mine.
April:
Keeping Neverland - (Technically posted on Tumblr in May, but on AO3 in April, so...) Illustrating @mooncello's writing again, and this one was a challenge! But one I wholeheartedly embraced. I wanted to echo Baz's journey as an artist with my illustrations, so where I used pencil sketching for the chapter one illustration, I went for a finished charcoal drawing, here. Digital charcoal, it turns out, can be just as difficult as the real deal. Slightly less messy, though. (I'm very proud of this finished piece.) Also where I continued my exploration of Baz's long hair. XD
May:
A rough sketch for a rough night - It feels a little off to be posting this sketch in my art round-up, considering the emotional inspiration, but truth be told I ended up liking this sketch quite a lot. I also learned a couple things, from both the events of that night (not my finest moment) and the drawing of the sketch (hey putting my feelings into art is a good idea). So I think ultimately this little sketch deserves to be included on this list.
June:
Teenage Dream - I posted this on Tumblr in June, for my birthday, but I actually did the art at the beginning of the year for the Valentine's Day exchange on the Carry On server. I rarely finish anything to this degree, and am immensely proud of it. That said, I ended up using it for so many things last year, I'd be okay to not look at it again for awhile. (I called it "Teenage Dream" because it made me think of a daydream Baz might have had as a teenager - now made real with Simon by his side. Cause I'm a sucker for their romance >.> )
Illustration from The Eternal Life of Baz Pitch - So I'm not sure how I got lucky enough to earn a special preview of @monbons's story, but I knew I couldn't read it in pieces. So she let me read the whole thing. It was very cool. I read it all at once I think? And when I was done I crashed Monica's DMs to yell at her about it. But then I drew this picture. (While I was chatting with her, even, and casually asking her about cherry blossoms so I could draw them the way she imagined them. It was very fun.) Now we're friends. XD (Check out the fic - now posted in entirety!)
July: Uh. Migraines. Just migraines. I had to pull back from the fandom a lot, and stopped participating in a lot of online activities. Boo.
August: Sketched concepts for CORB, and packed.
September: I moved over 4000 miles.
October: Everything I worked on in October ended up debuting in...
November:
Carry On Through the Ages! Okay, as stressed and sick as I was, I have no regrets about taking on COTTA. It was AMAZING. So much wonderful content! It was SO GOOD to contribute to the fandom, and to do that with history geeking? Dream come true. I also dipped into my previous area of expertise (picture manipulation) and did some cursed paintings to promote it. Mona Baz, Stormchaser Gothic, Mademoiselle Wellbelove, and Iconic Icon Simon.
A Prophesied Rivalry - Another dream come true was collaborating with @monbons for COTTA! I loved talking ideas with her, and she was so supportive when I hit road blocks, too. I love Ancient Egyptian art, and this was as much a love letter to that ancient art style as it was to my beloved Snowbaz. (I did a ridiculous amount of research to do this piece.) (And now I have Egyptian Baz and Simon in my new apartment. Extreme Bonus.)
Snow on Ice Illustration - Getting paired with @leithillustration for CORB was like winning the creative collaboration lottery. Not only did they grasp my concept from the get-go, but they've taken it in a creative and exciting direction. Also, we've become good friends, which is the very best possible outcome for a collaboration. (You should check out their story if you haven't already!)
(Snow-kitty also got very sick at the end of November, which halted a lot of my progress on some WIPs. It was scary for a bit, but I am so happy to say he has fully recovered.)
December:
Snowflake Exchange presents More Than a Footnote - I kind of love that I started the year illustrating one of @mooncello's stories, and ended it with an illustration from another! I was so excited to pull Heath's name from the proverbial hat for the exchange. I'd wanted to draw something from More Than a Footnote since the first time Heath told me about it. I completely love Dev and Niall at this point, so I hope to play with them some more in the future! (BTW Heath I think you're one of my muses hope that's okay XD)
SO. Yeah, the year was often a hard one, but a lot of good happened in spite of all the bad. The good was even more valuable for daring to happen in the midst of so much blah. (And boy howdy, did I get a lot of material to learn from.)
In 2025, I think I'm going to focus more on accepting my limits. Like, I can still work on improving my health and functionality, but I really need to try and determine when I need to stop. That has its own learning curve, but I have to start somewhere! I'm also working on vision therapy, which I'm doing on my own since I can't afford the out-of-pocket expense. Still... So far, so good. Fingers crossed!
Creatively, I think 2025 will be the year where I get to work on projects I started in 2023 and 2024, and I find that quite exciting because those are ideas I genuinely loved. I also hope to bring some other ideas I've had for a very long time to life. (Finally.) I hope, hope, hope! And hey, if I get to do more collabs? That would be awesome, too. (Carry On Through the Ages will be returning, as well!)
Thank you to these lovely people for tagging me in on this round-up, and for remembering me despite my frequent absence!
@emeryhall, @rimeswithpurple, @prettygoododds, @artsyunderstudy, @noblecorgi, @alexalexinii, @best--dress, @j-nipper-95, @roomwithanopenfire, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @imagineacoolusername, @mooncello, @whatevertheweather, @thewholelemon, @youarenevertooold, @monbons
And to everyone who is still tagging me on wipsday posts, other things, commented, any of that! Thank you. It means a lot to me. Hello's and How-Do's and general well-wishes to:
@drowninginships, @aristocratic-otter, @that-disabled-princess, @leithillustration, @bookish-bogwitch, @theimpossibledemon, @fiend-for-culture, @bazzybelle, @ic3-que3n, @blackberrysummerblog, @run-for-chamo-miles, @shrekgogurt, @confused-bi-queer, @hushed-chorus, @cutestkilla, @skeedelvee, @carryonsimoncarryonbaz, @wellbelesbian, @facewithoutheart, @ileadacharmedlife,, @raenestee, @supercutedinosaurs, @fatalfangirl, @palimpsessed, @martsonmars, @brilla-brilla-estrellita, @theearlgreymage
And anyone else who actually read my extremely long post. XD
#Here's some fine print#brought to you by my insecurities!#I know I talk about my disabilities a lot#and my vision difficulties#but that's because they are both relatively new additions to my life that sort of just waltzed in and took over my every waking moment#I'm trying to learn how to accept them and live with them without having to focus on them#becoming disabled is a whole Thing#Also my friends are seriously my heroes#Using voice messages and such on discord so that I can still chat is something I didn't expect anyone to do#but here you all are proving once again how amazing people can be and how generous of spirit#also if you're thinking “Boy you sure wrote a long post for someone who struggles to write” you're not wrong!#I learned some tricks#I hope to use them for fun stuff in 2025 >.>#year in review#fandom friends#Jodarta
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Trying to learn french cuz apparently in the express entry system for immigration to Canada one of the categories for accepting applicants are french speaking skilled workers and it also makes your whole application more appealing in general... time to get on that duolingo grind ig
#tfw you try to learn french so you can immigrate to Canada for moot because they live there#i tried learning a language before but I didnt get far... I am at the fluency of a 3 year old finnish toddler in that aspect#lets see if i can remember anything... uhhh Minuella kissa ja koira#that should be “I have a cat and a dog” if i said that right...#ik im the best finnish speaker ever#what was this post about again#seafoams shit#spongecake <3
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event silhouettes are having a teehee moment and i am nonebeef'd about it ~( ̄▽ ̄)~
#every day that i do not have to see the snake is a day i can live in peace.#when that first silhouette dropped and i was like. oh. oh that's definitely our knight in slutty armour#and ppl were going IT'S DEF GONNA BE A YAKMODNEVENT#i mean 🤔 i guess it's only fair? if these two have to share an event again#the first time was eddie trying to navigate yaku's world (kitchen. baking. foodmaking)#so it'll even things out if yaku now has to learn to navigate edmond's world (competitions. weaponry. RITUAL DEFENSE?)#but reading the event descrip ... HOW would the devs even put yaku in this??! i await their ingenuity because i personally cannot evenFATHO#my first thought was uhhh eddie and dante horse racing. and. idk. yakumo places the wreath on the winninng horse.#that's all he can do in this sorta swordslashing pageantry AHAHAH#but to have this... this surprise... oli? i think?#i am not complaining. i am indeed surprised. i wish to see where they are going with this#but i WILL NOTE that upon first silhouette inspection i was all#that is NOT yakumo. that spiky hair business? yaoi mullet adjacent? NO WAY.#that noodle does NOT have the energy to maintain a shounen protag's hairdo#he'd get all sad and his hair will automatically do the ghibbli flop. man sad. hair sad. gravity too strong#but hey i am fantastically bad at guessing and recognising anything#so i can be proven wrong at any time#we wait. and see...
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#I do not want to hustle and some of my most beloved people do not understand this#I was talking to my honorary big sister on the phone today about why I'm taking a gap year#the main reason is that the final semester of the program I was accepted into is around 50 hours per week of unpaid field work#which means you aren't allowed to have a job during that semester. this information was not presented until after the application process#anyway she was like “well that's fairly normal for healthcare professions” which is true#however this is a community college program and I would have expected them to account for people needing to work throughout college#anyway I responded “yeah true but I'm considering that maybe healthcare isn't for me then. I don't want a job that requires that much work.#And I don't! I don't want 50 or 60 hour work weeks! I want to work 40 hours and then leave and live my life!#but she made it seem like any job that requires a college degree is going to require that. And I don't think that's true#but also she is older than I am and has much more job experience so idk.#maybe she's advising based on the fact that as a teenager I was super type A and ambitious and really wanted a career?#whereas in the past couple years...idk I just want a reliable job that I don't hate that pays the bills and leaves time for enjoying life#so. I'm not sure#And now I kind of feel bad for not having that ambition anymore/ not wanting to have to give myself ulcers to get through school#But college is not worth my sanity and I found that out the hard way.#And I also feel bad for not being one of those people who CAN handle that much workload! Like I can certainly learn#to do more than I'm doing currently#but I will never be one of those constantly busy and insanely productive people. And I don't even want to be anymore#and yet that feels like an error.#I am not lazy! I used to think I was but no. I enjoy getting work done and doing personal projects and going to work and improving things.#It's not even as though I don't have things I want to do with my life. I have a lot of short term and long term goals!#I want to contribute to my community and support my family however I can and make art and tell stories and be a safe place for people!#and so much else!#but those ambitions aren't necessarily directly connected to school or a job for me anymore#and I value rest and having a social life too much to completely put my health on hold for years and years#sure college does take up a lot of time and energy but it shouldn't wholly consume your life as far as I can see.#and now I feel very unsure if that approach is realistic.#thinking I should talk with her again and try to explain myself a little better and ask what she meant.#diary
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i swear my stepdad is so illogical AND stubborn it hurts
#okay so strap in coz this is a wild ride#tl;dr we have been without heat and warm water for years and i mean literal years#because he refuses to pay off some debt he built up with the company#because he feels unfairly treated (let's not get into this. it absolutely makes no sense) by the company#so instead of doing the logical step of growing some balls and admitting he made a mistake and paying off his shit#he's been looking for a new supplier all over but the deal IS#that he's been doing this with a couple of places before and people are hesitant to even make him any offers#and you'd think that learning about THAT at least now he'd be like. idk willing to just pay off his debt and be done with it#but you'd be WRONG#now he's looking to just have our entire heating system replaced for the teeny tiny price of 25000 bucks#mind you his debt isn't even a THIRD of that#and obviously he can't afford those 25000 bucks#so what's his next step now you might wonder?#well good thing you asked. his next step is going off on ME for not paying towards the new heating he wants#and now that that's not working for him guess what he did next?#that's right. he bought shit expensive 'space heaters' that are pretty much just small little boxes that you plug into an outlet#and he swears up and down that they're going to heat up our house (it's negative degrees outside)#(it's obviously not working)#and genuinely. all i can think of is how much money he shoved into trying to macgyver this house into a house with warm water and heating#and how he blew off ten thousands of bucks he got paid when he retired within the span of two weeks#when this debt could have been paid off ten times over by now#so now you might be thinking. okay tiago. why don't you move out#good question you see. my mom is disabled and reliant on someone who cares for her#something that he can't won't and shouldn't do because the last time he sorta kinda tried she almost died and we had to call an ambulance#she wouldn't eat a thing if i weren't there to cook. the house would fall into disrepair if i wouldn't do maintenance all around#i've set up (functioning) heat in some areas she occupies and i've gotten a boiler going so she at least has warm water#i'm paying off their bills to make sure he doesn't skip on paying any others. i'm buying groceries for them because again they wouldn't get#any for themselves#and finally. i've offered to pay off his debt so that we can finally live like normal fucking people do#and guess what. guess WHAT. he just got mad at me for not adding money to that 25000 bucks pool for that new fancy heating he wants
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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why won’t you fly away?
#csm#csm fanart#chainsaw man#csm aki#csm angel#chainsaw man part 1#csm part 1#angel devil#photo refs save me#it’s been a while: hi again!#trying to practice backgrounds and more realistic shading#why won’t you fly away (from Public Safety)?#their shirts match the other’s background to symbolize how Aki can (supposedly) leave/chooses to stay & Angel wants to leave/forced to stay#Angel Ch 74: ‘you aren’t like me. you could go anywhere. could be nice to have a normal job. live like a human being.’#I think about it often#also been learning more about visible mending lately so I included some on Aki’s shirt (sashiko) and Angel’s pants (darning)!
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