#until silver has to make the call. its evil. its intolerable. its not any type of achilles i know.

[orpheusilver]

okay im sorry do not post flint/achilles parallels at me i will get so pedantic. s2 is his iliad. miranda is his patroclus and charlestown is his hektor and then he spends the entire s2.5 break believing that, like achilles, hes inevitably doomed to die in battle before the war is won. but he doesnt get the comfort of doom. nothing is inevitable here, and he is not alone. so he diverges from the archetype, he finds a way forward not fueled by vengeance or rage or the pursuit of a glorious legacy and that new, post-achillean flint spends the next two seasons actually trying to achieve something good. and That version is the one who dies* on skeleton island. he ends up past the glory/return dialectic and therefore beyond achilles parallels. dont fuck with me

[wearesorcerer]

DIO’s Hired Assassins Ranked

I’ve been rewatching JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders lately because it finally came to Netflix and thus I could get my old DM to watch it (for the sake of memes). I haven’t watched it since it came out and remembered having something against it, but I couldn’t remember what exactly; my fondness has only grown thanks to how memetic it is.

The answer: it’s too long and the villains aren’t especially memorable, DIO aside.

After I got to Alessi, I decided I wanted to rank them (specifically to put him as dead last, though I ended up not doing that). I was originally going to put this on my personal blog, but realized that I’m evaluating a bunch of weird spells, so it’s here.

IMHO, Stands split pretty well between Monk (fighting spirit, etc.) and some sort of caster (so many of them are just flat-out spells). The majority of the villains are the latter type, so I figured this would work here.

I’m going to skip anyone on Team Joestar and DIO because that’s just unfair.

Murder Stands

Before I get underway, I want to introduce a term I’ll be using again and again: “Murder Stand.” This is a Stand which has no ability beyond hurting/killing people. I take off points for this because even Punch Ghosts like Star Platinum have other utility.

Unranked: Thoth (Boingo) -- Precognitive Manga

Thoth is all potential and little application -- mostly because the Oingo Boingo brothers are comic relief villains. Thoth’s ability is to predict what will happen to the reader (who doesn’t necessarily have to be the Stand user) in the next few minutes, but without enough context for it to get used reliably. Indeed, every character who uses it ends up hurt. Since it’s an item, it’s possible that someone could steal it from Boingo permanently. That said, the possibilities with this Stand are immense, so it should be far more powerful than presented.

25 - Sun (Arabia Fats): A miniature sun with a suite of solar powers.

Illuminates a large area as though it were noon. (Sun sits at approximately 100 meters in the air and has a very wide area of effect.)

Raises the ambient temperature in that area to intolerable levels

Can fire highly accurate energy blasts at anything in the area

This Stand appears in a single episode (not quite a BLAM episode: it fits contextually, but it’s never discussed beforehand or afterward) and the only dialogue we get comes from Team Joestar, so we don’t know what the Stand’s actual parameters are. We do know that its use range is largely taken up by how high it sits in the sky and that it affects everything in its area of effect indiscriminately because Arabia Fats is present and has to take precautions against it. This makes the Murder Stand aspect of this suspect: there just aren’t many situations where you need (or would even want) to kill on that scale. Since we don’t know if Arabia Fats can control the light or heat his Stand produces (beyond firing lasers), any further utility is also suspect.

24 - Emperor (Hol Horse): magic missile in the form of a gun with a homing bullet.

Don’t get me wrong, having magic missile at-will is a great thing, but this isn’t an unerring missile (as in D&D) but a homing missile (as in most incarnations of the spell I’ve found elsewhere). It can miss. It’s also a 1st-level spell and there are far more powerful effects on this list. (No idea why this is called “Emperor.”)

23 - Deep Blue Moon (Imposter Captain Teneil): punch ghost fishfolk with various underwater abilities.

This Stand is powerful only if encountered in the water. It’s more powerful than the Emperor and has slightly more utility, but not by much. (Not terribly lunar beyond the association with water.)

22 - Khnum (Oingo): alter self (or possibly disguise self as a Transmutation).

Oingo only ever uses this on his face and hair, but supposedly he can use this on the rest of his body, altering height, weight, and possibly clothing in the process. This has more utility than any of the above, but Oingo’s an idiot (comic relief villain) and there’s another Stand that can do this and more. (”Khnum” because Oingo rearranges his face as though it were clay.)

21 - Tower of Gray (Gray Fly): stag beetle with super speed and xenomorph bite. Mainly used to cause airplane disasters and similar.

The range on this stand is fairly short (the user has to be on the plane he’s trying to crash, for one), but longer than most punch ghosts while still remaining potent. It’s small enough to escape some attention and fast enough to give Star Platinum problems. (”Tower” because it’s used for mass murder via disasters.)

20 - Set(han) (Alessi): user’s shadow animates, de-aging the bodies (and gradually minds) of opponents it comes in contact with; can wield any object the user holds.

By range, this would be a Punch Ghost, but it doesn’t have the other stats for it. Its special ability is rather powerful, but it puts Alessi in difficult situations (he’d be a suspect in any missing person cases seeking his victims); it doesn’t have to be used to murder people, but it’s of limited-enough utility that it may as well be used that way. Finally, the entire arc screams “pedo,” so it doesn’t deserve a high rank even if it had more power. (”Set” doesn’t really fit, but I think they picked it because it’s an approximation of an inimical/evil entity. Not sure why it’s rendered as “Sethan” in English sources: that’s an uncommon transliteration [not related to many inscriptions] and the Japanese rendering is “Seto- 神” [Set-god].)

19 - Ebony Devil (Devo): Chucky. Stand activates after the user is injured, then possesses an object (generally a doll) to seek out vengeance. Stand’s power amplified by user’s hatred of the target.

This is the first truly remote Stand on the list, which is its main perk. Generally speaking, long-range Stands lack power, so having an ability that amplifies power is really handy. However, the fact that it basically requires that the user gets severely injured to work is a deal-breaker. The seeming need to have a doll present to use is also a drawback, but it’s not clear how far the user can be from the Stand, so maybe that’s not that big of a deal. (As for Devil, it works. I guess. I mean, that card has a lot of meanings.)

18 - Wheel of Fortune (ZZ): Stand attaches to a car, manipulating its attributes and making it far deadlier than usual.

From what the episode implied, the user has to be driving the Stand for it to work, which could be an issue. It’s not entirely a Murder Stand (it provides off-road capabilities -- and even vertical surface scaling), so there’s quite a bit of bonus there. (This really should be The Chariot [Silver Chariot doesn’t fit that card anyway].)

17 - Strength (Forever the Orangutan): Stand attaches to a small boat and turns it into a giant tanker. Like Wheel of Fortune, can manipulate any part of the ship. Unlike Wheel of Fortune, can merge/phase the user through its parts.

You’d think I’d rank this lower because it’s water-based, but since it can work on a lifeboat and Forever is an Orangutan, there’s no reason why Forever couldn’t carry a boat around (sneakily), activate the Stand, and then go to town in a town. It’s big, it’s lethal, and it’s easy for the user to hide while killing people. Its just a little too specific to get much use. And, well, you’ve got the user. (”Strength” because of the user.)

16 - Death 13 (Mannish Boy): nightmare; clownish grim reaper kills people in their dreams Freddy Krueger-style. Upon waking, targets who manage to survive do not remember what happened in their dreams without taking extra precautions while asleep. Stand users cannot use their Stands if the Stand was inactive prior to the dream.

If you want to get away with murder some of the time, this might work. Most of the Stand’s abilities are designed for the user to escape attention, but there are two major problems. First, anyone killed in the dream manifests the injuries they receive on their waking bodies, which tend to be gruesome. Second, it’s an incredibly short-range Stand without much developmental potential. If Mannish Boy were to avoid using it much, he could survive to adulthood, but his presence at the scenes of his murders would eventually be his undoing.

15 - Bastet (Mariah): Stand creates an electrical outlet that shocks targets who get too close, thereby magnetizing them. This magnetism grows in strength over time, eventually leading to death from dangerous metal objects impaling or crushing the target. Can affect multiple targets simultaneously.

It’s not entirely clear how close Mariah has to be for this to work, but it’s farther than Death 13. Since the conditions for this Murder Stand are easier to meet, it’s slightly better. There might be added utility to the magnetism, but that’s dubious. Still, the range is close enough that it should be easy to catch Mariah in the act and the Schmuck Bait gimmick is too silly. It’s also unclear if non-Stand users can see it, so it might have less utility than Death 13, but I’m assuming as the sort of Stand it is that they can. (Bastet = cat = curiosity killed the cat.)

14 - Empress (Nena): parasitic growth latches onto target, growing and attacking them until finally killing them.

I strongly suspect that there’s more that someone could do with this Stand than simply killing people (or getting them into trouble), but we don’t see that at all during this episode. Since it’s a physical Stand, even though it’s not technically alive, it’s easier to attack than most Stands and thus remains a liability to its user. (The whole episode has a lot of father-child talk, referring to the fact that the Empress has much to do with fertility and pregnancy.)

13 - Geb (N’Doul): water elemental with incredible range.

In 3.x terms, this isn’t even summon nature’s ally II, which is the earliest available summon that can summon a Water Elemental. The reason is that the smallest elementals in the core rules are all Small and this one is Tiny. It makes up for its size by being deadlier than usual (it might have vorpal attacks, but then again it is JoJo, so it’s hard to say), but it’s not considered a powerful Stand (Destructive Power is C). Its fairly fast, but its main strength is its range: N’Doul was able to command it at a distance of four kilometers (2.5 miles) when attacking Team Joestar, which is insane. (Despite being a water elemental, it’s named after the Egyptian god of the Earth because N’Doul, a blind Stand user, uses Tremorsense.)

12 - Lovers (Steely Dan): microscopic Stand can invade people’s bodies, transmitting and amplifying its user’s pain to them.

This Stand has fantastic potential that’s left unanswered: how much damage can it cause on its own? The episode revolves around Lovers planting spores of DIO’s flesh buds inside brains, leading to death, but given its size and ability to manipulate brain cells, one would think that this thing could cause heart attacks, strokes, severe brain damage, and various other major (or minor) conditions. The range on it and the sorts of deaths it might be able to cause would make it much better at assassination than Death 13 or Bastet. However, it’s not clear what the limits of this Stand’s powers are. I’ve ranked it here for potential, but it might be unable to do all of that. (No, the name doesn’t really fit here, either.)

11 - Tenore Sax (Kenny G.): mirage arcana.

We don’t see this Stand (at all), only its effects, and Kenny G gets killed very quickly (no fight), so who knows? That said, mirage arcana is a fairly high level spell, hence the ranking.

10 - Anubis (various): intelligent sword which provides its wielder with exceptional speed and skill; can phase through matter selectively and learn enemy techniques.

Anubis is pretty standard as far as evil weapons possessing people go, save that it also learns any attack used against it the first time it sees it and afterward can perfectly counter that ability. This makes it a difficult foe to defeat in general; the fact that it can choose to ignore any matter it chooses (though apparently not Stands) is just icing on that cake. However, as it is attached to a sword, it is susceptible to anything that would damage or destroy its “body.”

9 - Yellow Temperance (Rubber Soul): ooze. Invulnerable to damage, devours anything it touches as it wishes. Can coat user to grant imperviousness and disguises (as disguise self).

As Khnum, but also a perfect defense and a fantastic offense. Its main issues are that it requires sustenance, it has limited range, and the trick to defeating it is to separate it from its user and then attack the user directly, which is easier than attacking a Stand in general anyway. (I guess having a defense is temperate, right?)

8 - High Priestess (Midler): imp-like Stand can merge with minerals, growing in size the closer it gets to its user.

Vulnerable to Star Platinum, but otherwise this is an incredibly useful Stand: it’s both a reconnaissance Stand and a Punch Ghost Elemental. As a long-range Stand that can merge with any mineral, any deaths it causes would be difficult to pin on the user (they could all be accidents and the user wouldn’t be suspect). (The only similarity to the High Priestess is in gender.)

7 - Horus (Pet Shop): cryokinesis.

Pet Shop demonstrates a variety of techniques with this Stand (similar to how Abdul has many uses for Magician’s Red), so it may as well be “any spell with the [Cold] descriptor.” (It’s “Horus” because the user is a falcon.)

6 - Hanged Man (J. Geil): light-based Stand attacks from reflections.

It was utterly implausible how they defeated this one, given that it’s able to move at the speed of light from one reflection to another. Mainly a Murder Stand, but plausibly a reconnaissance one, as well. (Not sure how this is the Hanged Man. I guess because it’s limited in where it can go.)

5 - Judgment (Cameo): “Grants wishes” (uses an improved form of fabricate to create perfect copies of whatever its targets wants [down to memories and bits of personality for people] out of clay, but subverts the wishes)

There’s a lot of potential here, with the main limit being the durability of the materials used. That said, one wonders if there are other limits to its ability. Could it fabricate a functional death ray or a supercomputer? (Personally, I think this should have been Khnum, given that Khnum is a potter. It’s probably “Judgment” [as in “Last Judgment”] because Polnareff wishes for his sister to be resurrected.)

4 - Osiris (Daniel J. D’Arby [the Elder]): Steals the souls of those who admit defeat, storing them as coins/poker chips.

Soul bind (a 9th-level spell) as a spell-like ability (so no focus component - ordinarily an expensive gem), used by a professional gambler (so someone with an incredibly high Bluff/Deception). Yeah, it’s a Murder Stand, but it’s one that’s going to make the user very wealthy. (Osiris as lord of the underworld, so souls.)

3 - Atum (Terrence D. D’Arby [the Younger]): Steals the souls of those who admit defeat, storing them in dolls; can read an opponent’s soul (mind), answering yes or no questions.

As Osiris, but also with a faster-acting (but limited) form of detect thoughts. There’s so much potential here, it’s almost terrifying. (Atum doesn’t really fit here. Anubis might, but Anubis wasn’t part of the actual Ennead anyway.)

2 - Justice (Enya the Hag): air elemental manifests as city-spanning fog (as control weather rather than fog cloud), providing mirage arcana and veil to anything and anyone in the area (but selectively); can control bodies (living or deceased) through its tendrils entering wounds; gaseous, so impervious to damage.

As Tenore Sax, but it does way more. Its animate dead-style ability provides total control over corpses in the area without actually being necromancy (it’s actually control body, but seems to work on any type of body so long as it has been wounded). The only thing it lacks is the ability to attack, despite having claws. Still, when you have several spells as spell-like abilities usable over a vast area without the standard limitations those spells ordinarily have and one of those gives you minions, it’s not like you need to be able to attack. In theory, this should have been one of the most powerful Stands in the entire series; the only way Team Joestar defeated it was through shenanigans which made no sense (Star Platinum inhaling the Stand, causing Enya to black out -- because Stands have lungs). (”Justice” because Enya uses it for revenge.)

1 - Cream (Vanilla Ice): Stand’s mouth is a portal to a dimension of darkness. Anything the Stand swallows is destroyed by portal cut (as disintegrate). The Stand can swallow itself and its user without harm, removing them from this reality (as etherealness) and disintegrating anything else which comes in contact with it (as an orb of annihilation).

Invisible. Almost undetectable. Intangible. Wholly destructive. The invisibility comes with the drawback of having to be careful while moving if wanting to go entirely undetected, but that’s not a major drawback. While ethereal, the user doesn’t seem to be able to see where it’s going, though this is inconsistent.