#was literally checking the cord with my phone and unplugging it and plugging it back in. wow

[izzycore]

Just tried to plug the power cord for my switch into the usb outlet on the back

[adabassist]

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

After over 15 years of dealing with the symptoms of a neurological auto-immune disease, you start to wonder if you’ve seen all the various permutations of the day-to-day things that get in your way.  At the completion of this performance, I can safely say the answer is a big fat NO… although the “disability” didn’t come in a form associated with MS this time.

These days, when I gig out, I gotta have help. That’s just all there is to it. I warn everyone I perform with that I am not self-sufficient; to my utter amazement, nobody has refused to help or even complained. I am always very grateful for these wonderful people, whether bandmates, fans, or SWMBO (who does it a lot and even revels in directing traffic to a large extent).

When SWMBO doesn’t tag along, I have to tell people what I need help with: what’s coming out of the van, where it goes, who’s willing to park my van if a space isn’t convenient, here’s what I need out of which bag, what assistance I need getting on/off stage, where things go when they go back in the van, etc.

All of which is easy to do - unless you have LARYNGITIS.

I happen to be prone to this mostly-just-annoying condition for some reason. I think this bout made it an even dozen for me. I even used to keep a “Flintstones Magic-Slate” around - where you would write on the wax paper with a plastic “pen”, lift the paper, and the writing would vanish - for just such occasions. I used to get it every other year for quite some time, and then it quit showing up. Until the day before a certain gig in the local metropolis…

I had been rehearsing with a group that played Dominican music — bachatas, merengue, etc. —  and I didn’t even know there was such a thing a year ago. Through the various contacts I’ve made with the salsa bands I’ve been working with, I ended up being the only “non-Caribbean” musician in a group that was doing a tribute to Antony Santos. Easy stuff if you grew up listening and playing it; very difficult to sound authentic if you didn’t. Our first gig was opening for a Dominican artist at a big club about 70 miles away. There were going to be about 500-600 people in the audience, so it was a pretty big deal.

The night before the show, my voice drops an octave and a half. I have a good time imitating Darth Vader and Lurch from The Addams Family.

Wake up the next morning and my voice is GONE. Nothing.

So I warn the band members via text: I will require extra consideration at the gig because I have no voice. A few jokes made at my expense, sure, fine, whatever.

What’s making this even more difficult is that a Winter Storm Warning went into effect at 4 pm, and they’re expecting about 8” of snow.  Great.

So my mind begins taking stock of the situation:  no voice, unfamiliar club, long drive through dangerous snowy conditions, Friday night traffic. Hoo boy. This oughta be fun.

I had texted the bandleader earlier in the day asking what the odds were that weather might cancel this show. He replied that the only way this show would be cancelled is if the end of the world came that afternoon. Uh-huh.

So I leave early, expecting the worst. 

First 40 miles of the trip were fine; just barely damp roads, and hardly anyone out there. I’m guessing the storm scared most of the drivers off. Those that were willing to brave the freeway were scared enough of the left lane for some reason that I made pretty good time to that point.

By then the snow was starting to stick and collect, and I’m officially glad I left early. The last 30 miles of the trip take an hour and a half, including 25 minutes for the last 3 miles on surface roads. I’m starting to get annoyed at myself, thinking that no one is going to show up for this performance in a big snowstorm, regardless of what the bandleader said earlier, and I’ve risked life and limb for nothing.

I arrive on time - hooray! Amazing! However, nobody else managed to make it by the time I arrived. (How does the guy who had the farthest to go get there FIRST?) I drive to the back of the venue to find the sketchiest loading ramp I’ve ever seen, and to make matters worse, the snow hadn’t been shoveled or dealt with in any way. And so, with no assistance, I go and park in the HC spot up front, and wait. And wait some more.

Bandleader was right - the main parking lot was full, and overflow was nearly full as well. I watch everyone in their finest concert-going clothes — short dresses and high heels, partially covered by ski parkas — pass my van as I continue to wait.

After 40 minutes, a band member shows up! Hooray! He gets stuff out of my van, and I get my rollator (rolling walker) out and follow. I am given instructions to “go in and go straight back to the stage”. Before I could get better details, he was off. So I follow as best I can.

Got to the front door, and am waved over by the ticket guy who gave me a wristband. After a once-over by security I’m sent through to the dance floor. The bandleader wasn’t exaggerating; there’s got to be nearly 1000 people in here. It's a sea of Latinos! Latinos who apparently have never seen a rolling walker before, too, judging by their reaction. Or maybe their expressions said “I wonder if this gringo is in the right place”…

Now I'm left to guess what "straight back" means. Stage left or stage right?  I pick stage right, and 200 feet later I see the guitarist, who happens to be the only non-english speaking member of the group. I sit, shake his hand, and wait.

And wait.

So I check my phone to see if there are any updates. The bandleader is stuck in the snow on his way to the venue.  The band member who grabbed my gear is looking for me; apparently I should have picked stage left instead of right, as there is a barricade in front of the stage right steps, and I can't convince anyone to move it (I picked a very inconvenient time to lose my voice). The guitarist is just happy to wait and do nothing until someone gets his attention in spanish.

The other band member finally finds us (I guess he doesn't know what "stage right" means!) and leads us through the mass of humanity on the dance floor to the stage stairs on the other side. Stairs are a bit treacherous, but traversable (stairs are NEVER good, but there are always ways up and down even if your leg doesn’t work).

My gear is onstage waiting for me. I find my chair, sit down, plug in, have my case/etc. moved offstage, tune up, and wait.

And wait...

The soundman comes by and tells me I've plugged into the wrong DI box, and gets me set up and running through the amp. It's pretty quiet though, and the chair was placed in such a way that there's NO way I can reach the knobs to turn up. So I signal to a bandmate to help, who says he'll be right back.

So I wait some more... 10+ minutes later, he shows up again and helps me out.

Keep in mind that communication for me involved getting as close to someone's ear as possible and "shouting" to be heard. I've seen more ears close up in the last 24 hours than I want to for a while.

After what I'm sure is another 15 minutes, everyone else has arrived, set up, and been soundchecked, and we begin (30 minutes late). Very receptive crowd. Lots of folks dancing. Band sounds good, everyone is paying attention, I only made a few mistakes, and the bandleader later said that I did an amazing job. Very pleased, considering this is a totally new style of music for me!

So we finish our 8-song set, I take my bass off, unplug, and watch everyone leave the stage....

....and wait.

All this waiting because I’m sitting on a chair, my walker has been moved to the wings, and I have no voice with which to holler for help. So I can’t move or talk. I literally have to wait for someone to take pity on me, as woe-is-me as that sounds.

Finally someone comes and gets my walker, bass case, etc., and I get stuff put away and make my way towards stage left where the stairs are. A band member follows with my bass and cords bag.

I get to the stairs, someone takes the walker and parks it at the bottom, and as I begin my descent, a series of women (groupies?) try to pass me going UP the stairs - like one every 10 seconds - wanting to talk to someone from our band or the one following us. It was a bit of a confused shouting match between those who wanted up and those who were trying to help me down to explain that they need to WAIT or they were going to knock me over.

One bandmate kept saying, "Take your time, you got this, don't let them rush you." That was really helpful, just to know that someone is watching and advocating for you when you’re unable to do that for yourself (one of the many amazing things about SWMBO, for that matter).

Once I was safely down the stairs, I made my way to the back entrance w/ aforementioned loading ramp, blessedly very near the stage stairs. A band member took my bass, bag, and keys, and pulled my van around back for me. I knew the loading ramp was in no better shape than when I arrived, but I was willing to take my chances because the crowd was much larger and rowdier than when I went in. But I began to regret that decision as I made my way down what had to be a 25% grade with a rollator whose handbrakes needed to be adjusted. It took well over 5 minutes to get me about 45 feet.

Made it down a very snowy ramp, through some "plow drifts", and finally to the van. Thanked everyone profusely (if silently!), got in, and sent a message to SWMBO that I was headed home.

Surface roads might have been WORSE on the way home.  Thankfully I'm very experienced in snow driving — even with my convoluted method for operating a motor vehicle — and didn't hit anything, get hit by anyone, or panic at all. Enough gas in the car, no deadlines, slow and steady wins the race, made it home in one piece.

The show must, and did, go on!

[salt-sass-and-lyrium]

Problems in tech support #???/??? aka “Stop just saying ‘I don’t know’ for fucks sake”

So, this lady calls in because her monitor, keyboard and mouse aren’t working.There’d just been a power surge a few minutes ago, and everyone but her came up normally. I figure more than likely she’s in a docking station and it needs to just be powered back on (there’s literally only one button on the docking station, the power button). All of a 10 second fix. So I ask

Me: Are you on a laptop in a docking station, or on a desktop Her: I don’t know  Me: ... Me: You don’t know? Her: How am I supposed to know? Me: .. you should know what equipment was issued to you. Do you have a laptop on your desk, or a desktop/tower? Her: I don’t know Me: ... what’s your monitor plugged into? Her: A black box

Ok, so she has a docking station and a laptop

Me: Does the black box look like (describes docking station) Her: Yes Me: Ok. So you’re on a laptop in a docking station. The ‘black box’ is called a docking station. More than likely that’s just not powering on. Now, do you have a Dell or a ThinkPad docking station (Note: on either docking station there is literally either the word “Dell” or “ThinkPad” and a power button. Nothing else)? Her: I don’t know Me: Well, what does it say on the top of the docking station? Her: I don’t know Me: The docking station is the black box. You still see the black box on your desk, right? Her: Yeah Me: Ok. What word is on the top? ThinkPad? Or Dell? Her: I don’t know Me: .. can you read me the word that’s on the top of the docking station? There’s only one. Her: Dell

Me:

Me: Ok, so the Dell docking station will display a blue light when it’s powered on. Do you see a blue light? Her: No. Me: Alright, so it’s not powering on. Can you check the cords in the back of the docking station, make sure nothing is loose? (more than likely not the issue, but if I have to order a replacement they’ll chew my head off if i don’t ask) Her: I don’t know Me: ... you don’t know if you can check the cords behind the docking station?

Note: The docking station is about the size of one of those jumbo index cards, maybe a little more narrow. It’s tiny and usually right and center on their desk.

Her: *sighs* I don’t know Me: ... [name], reach behind the docking station, and just check and make sure all the cords are securely in place

She grumbles for a few moments, then puts the phone down comes back and says

Her: Yeah. I don’t know Me: .. did you check the cords? Her: Yes Me: Was anything loose? Her: No.

SO WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW?

Me: Alright, now can you press the power button on the docking station?  Her: I don’t know Me: ....???? Her: I don’t know which button it is.

Again. THERE’S LITERALLY ONLY ONE BUTTON.

Me: There’s only one button on the box, right? Her: Yeah Me: Ok, that’s the power button. Go ahead and hit the power button. Her: How am I supposed to know which button?

We go back and forth on this for a few moments because she can’t seem to grasp “THERE’S ONLY ONE BUTTON PRESS THAT ONE BUTTON”. Moving on. She presses the power button and nada.

Me: Ok. And is everything plugged into the wall, or do you have a power strip? Her: Power strip Me: Good. Can you check and make sure the power strip is powered on (we use the ones with the switch that’ll light up) Her: I don’t know Me: ... can you just look under your desk and see if you see the light on the power strips power button? Her: *puts me on hold again* It’s on. Me: Ok. So the issue is more than likely  with the docking station. Can you unplug the docking stations power cord, leave it unplugged for a few moments, plug it back in and press the power button again? Her: I don’t know! *proceeds to bitch for probably 2 minutes* Me: *waits her out* Me: *repeats myself* Her: I don’t know

We go back and forth for a few moments, I hear some rustling, then she starts rambling on about the number of things plugged into the machine. I ask her if she unplugged and replugged in the docking station. It takes probably another 3 minutes before I get an answer that isn’t “I don’t know” out of her.

Me: Ok, well if you’ve done all that, especially unplugged and replugged and tried to power the dock back on and its still not working, then it’s more than likely an issue with the station itself. Let me see if the branch has any extras, or if we can get someone to bring one out to you

Her: *proceeds to complain for several more minutes* Me: I understand that you can’t work right now (laptops get internet from the dock and with the model laptop we have you can’t just plug ethernet right into it ((you need an ethernet to USB cord which most people do not have)), so there’s not much I can really do) which is why I need to get an incident put in ASAP so we can get you back up and running

Her: *again proceeds to bitch for more time* Me: Again. I understand. But I can’t do anything while I’m still on the line with you.  Her: *Cuts me off* *continues bitching*

Me:

Me: Ok. Just to be sure. You’re positive you’ve unplugged the docking station and replugged it back in, correct? And you hit the power button on the dock? Her: How do I know which button is-- Me: There’s only one button. Only one. It’s the power button. That’s the only button you can press. That’s the one I need you to press. Did you press that? Her: *grumbles* I don’t know--

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW? GOD.