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tryskomys · 2 years ago

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MOONCHILD

Remus Lupin x OC reader

Chapter 4 - Expulso

Summary: September’s full moon is rising.

previous chapter

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notes: this is uh…6k. take your bucket of tea and biscuits and strap in, reader. any alikeness of full moon remus™ and johnny from n*ked is mostly unintended. i truly apologize for this amalgam of quasi-smutty something. don’t read with your parents. hope you’ll like it though <3

tw: bad words, blood. unsanitary behaviour. unnecessary rudeness, unnecessary hotness, unnecessary humiliation if you squint - it's a wolf thing. minors, this is truly not for you. i know that this warning will probably just make you more curious, but i mean it.

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Weeks passed surprisingly quickly at Hogwarts. When an owl arrived with the first invitation to Hogsmeade, it was unfortunately scheduled on the weekend of the full moon. Hessie tried to convince Remus to stop by for at least a few hours. He has been carefully taking Snape's Wolfsbane, after all.

"Come on, Moony. A little fresh air will clear your head. And a few Butterbeers will dull some of the pain." she told him on the Sunday forenoon.

He resolutely declined, his matted hair tangling as he shook his head, an annoyed expression twisting his distressed features.

"We're not students, we can stop by Hogsmeade any time we want. I can barely walk, Mimi."

"I know...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to patronize you, I'm just -"

"Well then don't!" he exclaimed, his voice trembling.

Here we go, she thought to herself. She bit her lip, trying to mask the way it wobbled.

"I'm just worried, Remus. I thought it could help you relax."

"My favourite relaxing technique is eating children, is it?" he hissed at her, piercing her with a dull stare. She blinked a few times and then averted her eyes to the floor.

A burning sting just appeared inside his knee, as if someone stabbed it with a hot iron stake. The pain spread through his entire leg and made his ears ring. Fueled by the sensation, he chuckled in disdain.

"You can't even look in my disgusting face and you want me to go out and enjoy a drink with you?"

His voice was frigid and hostile. She looked up at him and opened her mouth to respond with some bitter remark, but she decided it would be wiser to let him be.

She spun on her heel and walked up to the kitchen corner, pouring herself a cup of herbal tea.

She heard a heavy sigh behind her, then the armchair legs squeaking against the floor. Then heavy limps got closer until she felt the coldness of his body behind her.

He put his large hands on her shoulders. They were chilly as ice, almost like the blood in his body stopped circulating.

He gave her a little squeeze and then placed a quick kiss on the top of her head. A friendly gesture, but it made her heart giddy.

"I'm so sorry, Mimi. Didn't mean it." he softly apologized. She nodded, leaning her head on his hand for a moment before taking another teacup from the mahogany shelf in front of her.

"I know. It will all get better soon, don't rack your brain over it now. Did you take your potion at night?"

His hands became rigid on her shoulder. He accidentally pinched her skin, so she whipped her head around. The horror on his face was expertly exchanged for an amused raised eyebrow. The grip on her arms didn't ease, though.

Snape's cold voice echoed in his mind.

Twice a day, Lupin. Or there will be grave consequences.

Fuck.

"Of course, I did, do you doubt my sense of responsibility? I was a Prefect, you know." he tried to make his voice as playful as possible. It was exhausting. She seemed to believe him, though, giving him a toothy grin.

"Yeah, I do know. You were always looking away from all the mischief, so I had to become the unpopular Prefect parent. Kinda convenient on your part. By the way, you're hurting me." she raised her eyebrows at him. When the brain fog caused by his chaste kiss finally cleared up, she realized the bruising grip he held her in.

He quickly tore his hands away and chuckled, apologizing. He took the other teacup and sank back into his velvet armchair.

"They're delivering the Grindylow in about an hour. I'm so excited, I haven't seen one in ages," she mumbled, a thrilled twinkle sparkling in her wide eyes. Remus pursed his lips.

"Really? I see one right in front of me."

She gasped and grabbed her Witch Weekly magazine from the kitchen desk and threw it at him. It flew right into the fireplace, all he had to do was move his head a few inches. He snorted with laughter and the tea flew out of his nose.

● ● ● ● ● ●

The Grindylow in question was very agitated by its dire situation, constrained in an aquarium on one of the desks in their office. It was furiously scratching on the glass walls while hissing out spits of water.

Remus And Hessie looked at it in awe, passionately discussing its special colouring.

"The kids are going to love this." she dreamily whispered, making him smile widely. Even though his cheeks were growing more hollow and pale throughout the day, the dimples still didn't disappear.

Her ears caught two voices echoing in the hall outside. One of them was surely Filch and the other one was eerily similar to James. Remus seemed like he was thinking the same thing.

"Speaking of the devil..." he mumbled and stuck his head out of the office door. Harry was walking by alone, heading for the Owlery.

"Oh, Harry! What are you doing here? Where are Ron and Hermione?" he questioned curiously, scanning the boy with raised eyebrows.

Remus was wearing a stretched-out cardigan with big brown buttons over a comfortable-looking cotton shirt. His usual grey suit pants were slightly cuffed, flashing his Gryffindor-coloured socks. Harry just shrugged, sadness glittering in his eyes.

"At Hogsmeade," he mumbled, voice disappointed. Remus completely forgot that the field trip was today, he tried to push the thought of his earlier behaviour out of his head.

"Oh, that's right...well, would you like to stop by our office? They just delivered us a Grindylow for the next lesson." he excitedly tilted his head inside the office. Harry gave him a quizzical brow.

"They delivered you a what?" he blurted out, following Remus into the room. Hessie was still crouching in front of the aquarium, eyes wide in childlike wonder. She turned at Harry, giving him a heartwarming smile and a small wave, motioning him to join her.

Harry couldn't help but blush at the way the woman's eyes calmed him down. She was wearing worn-out jeans and a large shabby sweater, fuzzy like the cat he'd met on the train. Her hair was down for the first time he'd seen her, sticking out in all directions.

The professors seemed to have a day off. The scent of books, chocolate and fresh cotton laundry (presumably her perfume) filled the boy's nostrils, creating a comforting homely sensation in his stomach. He felt the same way when he stayed over at The Burrow. Remus's excited voice tore Harry out of his thoughts.

"It's a water demon. It shouldn't be much trouble for us. You've already gone through Kappas with your professor here, so you're all set. But don't be fooled by its size."

"These beauties have tremendous strength in their fingers, even though they seem tiny. They could crush your neck within seconds with those," she explained, biting her lip when Harry backed away with wide eyes.

Remus threw her a disapproving frown and she stifled a childish giggle. The beast blew a raspberry and then floated into the depths of algae in the corner of the aquarium.

"No worries, Harry. As Professor Lupin said, you'll deal with it just fine." she slapped her knees and got up, walking up to Remus's desk. She gathered a few papers that were scattered around and stacked them in a neat bundle, then she hopped up on the empty spot and crossed her legs.

"Want some tea, Harry? I was just about to boil the kettle." Remus asked and Harry nodded, watching in awe as the man wordlessly knocked on the kettle and watched it puff out steam. Hessie beckoned Harry to sit down on the chair in front of the desk, apologizing for only offering prefabricated teabags.

He was studying her face, not realizing that he wasn't blinking. She raised an eyebrow.

"Is something the matter, James?"

Her eyes widened and so did Harry's.

"Merlin's beard. I'm sorry, Harry. You're just…"

That was everything she managed to stutter out. The glint in her eyes was acting as a mirror to his surprised face, but none of her tears rolled out. He wanted to ask a thousand questions all at once, about his dad, if she knew him, how she knew him, who he was. To sit here for hours and listen to her stories.

Were they friends? Enemies? Lovers?

"How did you get these scars?" was all Harry blurted out, regretting his question immediately after it left his lips. He got even more red now, feeling like his ears might let out steam as well. His eyes were widened in horror, but she gave him a mischievous grin.

Remus was too occupied with preparing three cups to hear the conversation.

"What if I told you that I got them in a battle with a Werewolf?" she hissed, theatrically jerking her body forward to make him jump in his seat. She giggled at his reaction, her heart easing when he echoed her laughter.

He was glad she took his personal question with humour. Even the most powerful wizard could not survive a duel with a Werewolf, he'd learned that from Lockhart's fake stories.

"Did you win?" Harry asked with an amused grin. It was as if James was sitting right in front of her. Her smile turned slightly sad before she straightened her back, putting on a humorous self-important facade.

She looked like she was mocking Snape's usual demeanour, the boy thought.

"If I told you, I would have to kill you," Hessie whispered and he chuckled again, thanking Remus when he gave him his tea. The shabby man walked around Hessie and rested in the armchair behind his desk.

Harry sat in front of them, staring into his cup. Small oil stains were forming on the surface, catching onto the porcelain walls. He looked lost in thought.

Not only was he imagining what kind of adventures she and his father lived through, but now he felt like even more of a coward, considering she probably compared Harry's courage to him.

"Anything that's troubling you, Harry?" Remus asked when he noticed the boy's thoughtful gaze. His voice was full of parental concern, something Harry has never encountered before.

He wondered if the man knew his parents as well.

"No...I mean, yes." Harry mumbled. Hessie furrowed her brows and crossed her arms. The boy was worried that he might've aggravated her somehow, but her strange eyes were filled with the very same emotion as Remus's kind words.

"Do you remember the lesson on Boggarts?"

"Of course." Remus simply stated, curious. Hessie just nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. Harry took a breath as if he wanted to inhale some courage.

"Why didn't you let me face him?"

Silence filled the room for a few moments before Hessie spoke, her tone was as calm as ever.

"We thought that the reason was quite obvious," she answered. Harry seemed impatient.

"But why?"

Remus cleared his throat, narrowing his eyes.

"We expected it would take the form of Voldemort."

Harry was in awe. He'd never heard someone call the dark wizard by his true name, except for Dumbledore.

Neither of the professors seemed shaken in the slightest, though. Like it was a completely normal and common name.

"I'd thought of him at first, but then I remembered the night on the train..."

Remus and Hessie exchanged a silent nod, it seemed to Harry as if they were talking about the Boggart incident before.

"Hats off to you, Harry. You are very wise, then. That means the thing you fear the most is fear itself." Remus ended the sentence with a sweet smile.

He looked very similar to the way Harry saw him on the train, but the young boy could swear he looked somehow...worse, now.

Not so tired, but very on edge, like he was about to scream from the top of his lungs any second. His cheeks seemed to hollow through the conversation and the professor was blinking quicker and quicker.

But none of it affected the endless softness towards his friend's son. Harry didn't seem scared, it was intriguing more than anything.

"You were worried that we didn't let you because we thought you weren't skilled enough?" Hessie questioned, leaning on her knees. Harry just nodded and before he could say anything, a loud knock on the door interrupted him.

"Come in!" Remus called, his smile growing wider when Snape entered the room, carrying a big smoking goblet of dangerous-looking turquoise liquid. When the man in black robes noticed Harry, he scrunched his nose a little before turning his attention to Remus.

"Here's your potion, Lupin. I made you a whole cauldron if you need extra aid."

"Ah, Severus. Many thanks." the young professor answered, taking the goblet from Snape.

It seemed to hurt him to stand up as he stretched for the potion and sat back down with a huff, putting the potion on the table. Snape didn't move.

"You should drink it now."

"I will make sure of it, Severus. Thank you." Hessie gave the man a soft smile. She did mean it. There was a flash of something unidentifiable in his gaze before he spun on his heel and walked out of the office without a word.

She looked at her friend with raised eyebrows when he didn't immediately start drinking. He tilted his head as if to scold her for watching over him like he was a little child. A wave of irritation washed over him, similar to the one earlier that day.

Harry cleared his throat, a bit distraught.

The smoke that the potion emanated smelled rancid and the bubbles on the surface hissed each time they popped. He was cautiously staring at it, eyes darting between the goblet and Remus.

He realized the boy is still in the room and turned his attention to him.

"I don't feel too well from time to time, Harry. This potion is the only thing that helps me. I'm very lucky to have Professor Snape as my colleague, this brew is extremely difficult. He's a wonderful Potionsmaster. I barely got an 'Acceptable' in my O.W.L.s."

● ● ● ● ● ●

They were serving steaks at the dinner feast. How convenient, Hessie thought as she watched Remus devour the bloodiest steak he could find in the mountain of meat in front of him.

Even Flitwick was curiously studying him from the other end of the table, not used to his old student being this unruly.

She cleared her throat and softly elbowed him in the ribs. He whipped his head around, staring at her with furrowed brows as if he was berating her for interfering. The circles under his eyes were dark purple now, contrasting with his pale face.

"What?" he spat out, mouth full of broiled potatoes. She scowled.

"Could you try and be more civil with your raw steak? It's not going to run away, you know."

He shook his head and shrugged, gulping down his potatoes. He still had frustration written all over his face.

"Didn't know it was illegal to eat around you, now. Besides," he took a moment to chomp another piece of the meat on his plate.

"It's almost up there. I'm leaving for the Shack tonight so you can enjoy your me-time, have a wank or something."

"W- what!?" she yelped. McGonagall snapped her head at Hessie and pierced her with a strict glare.

"Sorry, Minerva. I just realized the green stuff on the potatoes is parsley -" she half whispered, leaning back on her chair and tilting closer to the older woman.

"- and I'm allergic." she ended with an uncomfortable giggle. McGonagall was pretty blunt about not believing her a word, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

"You should ask Severus for some calming brew, then. Preferably in silence so the students wouldn't turn their heads," she stated coldly and turned her attention back to her dinner.

Hessie's whole face turned the same shade of red as the pieces of Remus's steak. She wiggled her chair closer to the table again and leaned her elbows on it, slowly lowering her head into her palms.

She didn't look at Remus, glueing her stare on the drops of vinegar on her salad.

"What do you mean the Shack? If anyone sees you, you'll get yourself fired on the spot." she hissed, grabbing her fork while the other hand still supported her flaming forehead.

Remus just finished his steak and dug around his salad to pick out tomatoes, pushing them around to an unwanted bundle.

"Not my fault you're so nosy."

"We had agreed that we'll stay locked in our chambers. I know you're nervous if the Wolfsbane worked, but Dumbledore counts on you staying in the castle. There's no reason for the potion to be faulty." she ignored his bitter remark, vigorously stabbing a tomato with her fork out of spite and throwing it in her mouth.

He didn't react, he just continued to play with the last potato on his ornate plate.

Usually, he'd give her a disapproving look, but now he didn't take his eyes off the food in front of him.

A bloodcurdling shiver ran through her throat as she slowly swallowed her bite.

"There's no reason for the potion to be faulty, am I correct?" she asked, her voice coming out as a mere trembling squeak.

He shrugged, nonchalantly checking his watch. Six o'clock. It was already dark outside. She lowered her tone to the most hushed whisper she could manage.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. If this is your idea of a joke, then you can shove it up your -"

"My alarm clock cracked in my suitcase on the way here."

She gasped, choking on the lone tomato seed that was stuck in her throat.

Professor Sprout who sat beside her turned away from her conversation with Madame Pomfrey and slapped Hessie's back a few times, probably leaving behind red marks of her small chubby fingers.

"Are you alright, my dear?" she questioned, worryingly scanning the young woman's ruddy face. She nodded and forced a tiny smile.

"Thank you, Pomona. Bloody tomatoes." she wheezed and Professor Sprout chuckled, turning her attention back to the Matron. They continued a boisterous conversation about Sprout's growing collection of Angel's Trumpets.

"Aren't you a fucking wizard?!" she soundlessly screeched again. He seemed to be extremely fed up with her cross-examination.

"If you're so interested in what I do at night, maybe you could've reminded me, smartass," he said matter-of-factly. She gripped her fork tighter.

"Do I look like your mother?"

"Am I interrupting a lovers' quarrel?"

Snape's greasy hair appeared in her peripheral as he sat down next to Remus and took a sip of his wine. Remus's fingers started trembling and he took a breath to shoot Snape down with some stabbing remark, but Hessie was faster.

"On the contrary, Severus. We were just discussing the wonders of potion-making," she stated, throwing Remus a glare.

Snape seemed to notice and his mouth twitched with something that vaguely resembled a smile.

"Interesting. I could've sworn I heard Lupin call you a smartass. Must have been just a misinterpretation." he raised an eyebrow. Remus whipped his head around and Snape was a bit taken aback by how ill he looked.

"Sounds to me like you were spying on us, Sniv-"

"The potatoes are excellent today, don't you think, Severus?" Hessie loudly interrupted him, trying to smile through embarrassment when Snape's eyes widened in anger. He quickly gained his steel composture back, though.

"I prefer meat. If Lupin has left me any, that is." he taunted, casually taking another sip of wine.

That was the last drop for Remus. He swiftly got up, pushing his chair away with a loud creak.

He grabbed his plate, with the last potato and cherry tomatoes still rolling around, and curtly bowed.

"Good evening." he simply said and walked out of the buzzing Great Hall in long, shaky strides. Madame Pomfrey was the one to speak to Hessie now.

"Is Remus not feeling well, darling?" she questioned, her eyebrows knitted in worry. Hessie forced a gulp of wine down her throat and answered with a thin-lipped smile.

"Just a bit shaken, Poppy. You know."

"Well, you better go check on him. And stop by my chambers as soon as he feels abnormally sick, alright?" the older woman said, waving Hessie off as if she was just a roaming student. Professor Sprout fiercely nodded.

"I was just about to leave. I will let you know if - yeah." she managed to stutter out and hopped up, leaving her plate on the table. As soon as she stepped away, it floated into the air and levitated out of the door, disappearing.

Hessie said her goodbyes and hurried out of the door, ignoring Snape's bitter wish of sweet dreams.

She rushed through the hallways to their office, up the short stairs and through the invisible membrane that hid their chambers behind a wall.

She stomped through the narrow corridor between their rooms and entered the small common chamber. The door was already open. The flames were alight in their fireplace and disrupted the tense silence with loud cracks.

Remus was standing in front of it, bluntly staring at her, chomping on a large Mars bar. He was clearly trying to finish it as quickly as possible and get out of her presence. She crossed her arms.

"Which way?"

"What's it to you?"

"I asked you a question." she spat back at him, frowning when he theatrically rolled his eyes. He seemed at least two inches taller than usual, which was frankly already too much.

His elegant fingers were clutching the chocolate bar as if his life depended on it. Her eyes darted between them and his annoyed expression.

"Gregory the Smarmy passage, into the woods, under the Willow. Are we done with 20 questions? I have to leave."

Her frown grew deeper and she shook her head in disbelief. He was always on edge on the full moon nights, but it seemed somehow worse now. She didn't detect the usual remorseful undertone in his insults.

And the last time he'd declined company, she got away with a deep slash on her face. But that was ages ago.

"You think I'll leave you alone?"

He raised his eyebrows, sarcastically nodding.

"I mean, I hope so."

"Tough luck, buddy. I'm going with you. We have to figure out how to sneak out, though. Quickly." she took a glance at the big cuckoo clock above the fireplace. Seven o'clock.

She crossed the room and buried her arm into her patchwork handbag, trying to find something in the depths of the enlargening spell. She knocked over a bottle of Butterbeer inside.

He wasn't sure what she was looking for, but he didn't care, either.

He just took a bite of his sweet snack and spun around, making his way to the door. She had to do a double-take between him and the bag to realize he was trying to sneak out.

"Are you five? Can you wait for a second? We still have an hour." she called over her shoulder and sighed with frustration, taking off her green robes. She fished out her wand and dropped the fabric on the floor. She pointed the tip of it inside the bag.

"Accio Map!" she muttered and three yellowing tubes of parchment flew out. She clumsily grabbed them in the air with both hands and rolled them all open, trying to find the one holding the map of Hogwarts.

"Godric, I could've specified that." she shook her head and mindlessly tucked her wand into the small loop on her pants.

She dropped the two other maps and stared into the correct document while walking to the door.

"It's not the Marauder's but it will have to do."

She didn't have time to react when he swung his wand to levitate a teacup, trying to throw her off balance. He smashed it against the floor right in front of her and the liquid exploded, splashing her boots.

A piece of porcelain chipped away and bizarrely flew into the air, leaving a small cut on her cheekbone before falling back on the carpet. Her eyes nearly popped out of her skull when she looked at him, primal fury burning in her eyes.

He felt a nauseating sensation of hunger when he noticed the tiny carmine drop dripping down her cheek.

This is bad.

She blinked a few times, threw the map aside and grabbed her wand, daintily twirling it in the air to suck water out of the pitcher on the window. She quickly transcribed a precise circle in the air, forming a large floating bubble.

When she was positive it gained enough corporeality, she violently swung her arm, throwing it in Remus's face.

The bubble smashed against his skin with a muffled pop. He didn't even manage to notice the stench of iron in his nose before she expertly spun her wand again, this time forming the bubble out of the lukewarm tea in their teapot. She fired it into his chest with similar vigour as before, sending him stumbling back a few inches.

She knocked the wind out of him, so he wheezed and punched his ribcage a few times before finally realizing his nose was intensively bleeding.

He was growing increasingly disturbed, fully aware that he was losing the grip on his sanity.

If he was oblivious to his state of mind, his life would be a lot easier.

He sliced through the air with his wand like he was trying to cut it open, sending the coat hanger to the ground. She stumbled over it and barely managed to find her balance when he forcefully sent another tea cup flying. This time he aimed at her head and she swiftly dodged it, watching it smash against the books behind her.

She hoped the soundproofing spell was working.

Staring at the blood on her face caused a momentary lapse in his attention, allowing her to gain some time.

"Will you stop throwing things at me?" she grunted. As a last resort, she put all her force to trying to block the door by moving a closet in front of it. A few worn-out shirts and Remus's coat fell out, but the construction hadn't moved at all.

She was getting overwhelmed by the adrenaline, it made even the easiest of spells incredibly taxing. This situation seemed to suck the energy out of her and transfer it to him.

He seemed to be perfectly fine, apart from his face growing more pale with every passing moment. And the dark blood that was dripping from his nose

Her bubble might've broken it, he wasn't sure, the pain was non-existent to him.

"I will if you stop following me."

He emphasized the last three words by smashing flower pots against the floor, now sending them to burst next to her. He hadn't tried basic intimidation yet, so he decided to give it a go.

She flinched at each crack, but it didn't stop her from stomping through the shards. She just fiercely flung her hand and a protective glowing shield appeared around her boots before becoming transparent.

He didn't have to say a word, she recognized the straight line movement he drew with his wand. And the miniature blue orb that shot out, twinkling through the air as it tried to hit her.

Expulso.

Hessie's feline senses didn't fail her this time. She barely managed to duck, the orb flew by her ear with a high-pitched shrill and hit the bookshelf behind her. It began to crumble and fall upon the impact, but she quickly flicked her wand.

All the pieces suddenly moved in slow motion, defying gravity and unnaturally floating down on the carpet like a weightless feather. She watched the books and chunks of wood glide their way to the floor, mouth open in disbelief.

When she whipped her head back at Remus, he attempted to swallow the horror down his dry throat, but that only made it worse. He succeeded in staying perfectly still and masked his anxiety with a strict glare.

Her eyes were flaming with fury as she slowly walked up to him, just like a lioness prowls to her prey.

Remus could swear he saw her pupils shrink into slits for a split second.

He was glued to the ground, listening to the last echoes of humanity in his mind. They were telling him to stay put and not move a muscle. Maybe he would seem invisible to the moon that way. When she spoke in a silent voice, a frigid shiver ran through his vertebrae.

"Did you just try…to curse me?"

"You disobeyed and didn't stay where I told you to stay. You're being a bad kitty," he growled back at her.

The blunt sarcasm that dripped from his words stabbed her right in the abdomen.

She was merely a few steps away from him and he involuntarily took a step back, breaking the concentration he so desperately clung to. She reacted with a joyless smirk, her eyes now clearly cat-like.

"Oh, am I? How about I claw your fucking eyes out? Right now I'd manage to do that and never transform an inch of my skin."

He let out a bleak chuckle, now certain that he was slowly being cornered. He raised his wand again and so did she.

"I don't want to hurt you, love." he simply stated, emphasizing the last word with extra venom. Besides the anger, a new emotion flashed in her eyes - fear. She always took him for the better duelist.

"I'm not made of porcelain, you couldn't hurt me if you tried." she hissed and he broke into a smug smirk, detecting the slight strain in her voice.

He was fiercely battling the fact that it made him satisfied, thrilled, even.

You're a sick fuck, Lupin. A sick, sick brute.

That's the mantra he repeated in his brain over and over again. He was desperately trying to grasp it and shield himself from the Sword of Damocles that was hanging above his head. He could feel the carnal snap creeping in second by second.

It seemed to him like the moon sped up rising just to torment him.

She didn't seem to notice the growing madness in his eyes, only catching how his long fingers flexed around the handle of his wand. Thanks to his omnipotent senses, he caught her slip of concentration. He truly was in a foul mood now.

"If you stopped staring at my hands like a filthy slut, maybe your intimidation would be more convincing."

Words couldn't describe the whirlpool of emotions that rapidly shifted on her face when she snapped her sight back to his face. He still had a pompous sneer plastered all over it. A breath hitched in her throat as she narrowed her eyes, trying to build up the courage to continue cornering him.

"W- what did you just call me?"

The sentence came out as a mere whisper. He didn't move.

"I called you a sl- "

"I FUCKING HEARD YOU!"

Her scream resonated through the stone walls of their common room and she took the remaining steps to get as close as she could, digging the tip of her wand into the soft flesh under his chin.

He didn't even flinch at the sting of it. The sensation merely widened his smile and he let out a cold scoff.

"I wonder how well you'd hear me if I used one of Snape's little deafening charms. Or maybe a silencing one, so I don't have to listen to your constant nagging. Frankly, I should put that aggravating mouth of yours to better use."

The fading mankind in him couldn't believe his own words. Hessie responded with a strange inhuman noise that vaguely resembled a cat's snarl.

"You mean like letting me blast your brains out? You're tempting me."

"Likewise. Dear god, you see right through me. Always so insightful." he raised an eyebrow and proudly put his chin down to pierce her wand even deeper.

His wand was pointed at her heart and painfully poked into one of her breasts. Intentional or not, she wasn't sure. He continued.

"Although, you don't need your voice for that. You've always excelled in non-verbal magic, top of the class."

What the -

"That was a compliment. You're supposed to say 'Thank you, my dearest friend.' now."

It was like he could smell her thoughts. That wasn't a very comfortable feeling.

"Thank you for being a sarcastic prick? Endless gratitude. Want a golden star and your shoes polished for that?"

Remus snorted with laughter, tilting his chin as if he wanted to impale himself. He didn't appreciate being talked to this way at the moment. Her brows knitted, aware that he was winning the taunt war.

He loudly sighed and lowered his wand. He attempted to seem bored.

"Look, I'm getting kind of agitated and this could get pretty ugly real fast. So could you spare me this quasi-threatening hissing of yours and be on your merry way?"

"You have such a sunny disposition, has anyone ever told you?" she sneered and narrowed her eyes.

The smug smile started fading from his face, slowly turning into a frightening scowl. She hid her shudder by clearing her throat and impatiently bit the inside of her cheek.

"Be honest with yourself, do you actually want me to let you leave on your own?"

That slowed down his racing thoughts. Did he want that? Of course not. He hasn't been all by himself on a full moon for ages. It's not like he wasn't ready for the transformation, he was used to coping without Snape's potion.

But now, being back in Hogwarts seemed to change something in him. As if the castle's aura corrupted his mind. Maybe missing a dose of Wolfsbane made all of this worse.

Remus felt feral, his exhaustive senses were sending him over the edge. He felt like one big exposed nerve. And he couldn't risk being in her company, cat or human.

"Can't your almighty brain figure that out by itself?" he growled. He felt his remaining patience leak out of his ears.

The moon was nearly above The Great Lake and he could no longer trust himself around her. Even worse, he started to lose any care about that fact. Her frown just deepened.

"Why can't you just fucking say it? Why is it so difficult to admit that you need someone?" Hessie questioned, her voice loud in his ears. He flinched at the piercing sensation in his eardrums, his head pounding.

"If you don't let me go immediately, I will stop holding myself back. Trust me." he threatened, his voice hoarse and deeper than usual. His eyes seemed almost black now, eclipsed by their dilated pupils.

She attempted to gather some courage by straightening her back but failed.

"I'm not afraid of you, Lupin." she tried to sound as hostile as possible. Once again, she didn't succeed. He raised an eyebrow.

"You are not? You should be," he muttered, slowly bending closer to her. She finally lowered her wand and tried to back away. He grabbed both of her wrists in one hand and yanked her back, using his other hand to grab the collar of her sweater.

Remus bent down once again, but instead of choking her as she'd feared, he gently licked the carmine tear of fresh blood on her cheek and then ever so softly nuzzled his bleeding nose against her neck, taking in a trembling breath.

Her scent jolted through his senses like boiling lead, poisoning his mind with thoughts that made his sunken cheeks burn. His overwhelmed mind suddenly felt like a stretched balloon right before it bursts.

The facial hair on his chin scratched the soft skin of her clavicles, leaving behind red dots. Her heart was beating against her ribcage, delicious pain pulsing through her stomach.

She felt as if someone threw a bucket of simmering liquid on her face as her eyes fluttered closed, his warm exhale leaving goosebumps behind. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out.

"Your body deceives you," he grunted silently, his voice now almost unidentifiable. She felt his iron grip flex on her wrists when he breathed in her scent once more.

"Don't try to follow me. If you do, I won't be as charitable."

Then he let go of her with a jerk, avoiding her eyes like a plague. He backed away, stumbling over the clothes that fell out of the closet behind him. He barely gained stability again before storming out of the room and slamming the door behind him, not sparing her a single glance.

She hesitated for a few seconds before running to the door, her legs wobbling.

As soon as she reached the doorknob, though, it ominously clicked. She tried to pull it, wiggling it left and right, but it didn't budge.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" she shrieked and flung her wand furiously, swinging the door open as the doorknob ripped out of its slot and fell on the floor with a dull thump. The hallway was empty.

Remus was long gone, leaving behind only the scent of blood and a crumpled wrap from his Mars bar.

She knew where he was rushing.

I hope you'll rot there.

And think of me.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆

Tag list: @wickedsingularity @messyr-moons @moon-witchs-world

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fromthedeskofmuffin · 8 months ago

Text

Far Out

Chapter 5: Dumb Luck

...

"—volence. Please Assist—"

...

"—someone in here!"

...

"—xrtz ak’tzk, zirzk’a!—"

...

"—ait, isn't that—"

...

Slowly, the world faded into view. Taking in what details I could through my currently fuzzy vision, it seemed like I was in a medbay. It was clean, at least, and the bed I was in was warm. The expected faint scent of antiseptic was there. I still felt extremely tired, but couldn't feel much pain. There was a faint sound of a door sliding open, and footsteps crossing the floor. Someone in a white coat entered my field of view, but my vision was still too blurry to make out more than yellow skin and large eyes. I tried to say something, but only managed a hoarse wheeze, which clearly came as a shock to who I assumed was a doctor, because they recoiled in surprise.

"K'rzackk!" They exclaimed. After swiftly checking a few instruments nearby, they hurried back out of the room.

After a few minutes, my vision was beginning to clear. Blinking wearily in the light, I could at least tell that I wasn't in a GHU medbay, which came as a serious relief. Some tools and monitors on the walls I recognized, but some were unfamiliar.

My anxiety wasn’t entirely abated, however. Despite what we were told of how empty it was, there were so many rumors and horror stories about the Frontier. For all I knew, I had been saved in order to be sold off somewhere, or some equally awful fate.

I didn't have to wait long to find out. The door slid open again, and two figures entered my vision this time. The doctor, and someone else. I could see now that the doctor was a Vespian with their distinct black and yellow carapace, but the other one I couldn't place. They were much taller, and very broad shouldered. Twin black stripes ran down a long, white face. Almost Ursine, but not quite.

"Whhkgh—," I said.

"Pleaze do not zpeaking, do not moving," said the doctor in a high, clipped tone. "Very injured, ztill. Zorry, Ultean not good."

My eye turned to the larger one, who leaned closer. Their voice was soft and deep, their face serious. "Do you feel any pain? Just blink once for yes, twice for no."

I blinked twice, and they nodded. "My name is Helga, this is Dr. Skisk. I just want to let you know that you're safe, but it's still too early to fill you in. We're going to wait until you're a bit more stable, then I can get into the details. Okay?"

I blinked once, then a few more times as tears began to blur my vision again. She sounded so certain that I couldn’t help but believe her. I was safe.

"Great," Helga said, giving me a warm smile. "Welcome to Brock Station. Try to get some more rest, we'll have you feeling better in no time."

Helga had been right. After a week of mostly sleep, I was able to speak without coughing too much, and I was slowly being tapered off the painkillers. According to Dr. Skisk, I had been hit by a large chunk of shrapnel when the GHU shot at the Benevolence, which punctured a lung, but missed other vital organs. A wide bandage graced my right side, where the shrapnel had been removed, and I had been given a proper eyepatch. I was impressed. The Frontier was more advanced than I had thought.

I was also being treated for severe malnutrition. Apparently the Vander Foods E-Rations™ were little more than densely packed vitamins, sugar, and flour, with caffeine added for an extra kick. My body had basically been eating itself to stay alive. Dr. Skisk seemed like they had a serious bone to pick with Vander Foods, but it was hard to tell. They kept slipping into Vezek, their native language whenever they started talking about it, and I was still too weak to receive what they called a 'Intra-Lingua', some sort of translation implant. A week later, once the doctor decided that I was well enough, Helga came to visit me again.

"Jessie, was it? The GHU has been broadcasting your wanted poster all over the galaxy," she said, taking a seat next to the hospital bed.

I nodded weakly. "Jessie Black," I rasped. "Dr. Skisk says you own this station?"

"That’s right." She nodded. "Now, listen. I said you were safe, and that's true. No bounty hunter is going to get you here. A day after you showed up, an Ulthean recovery squad came looking for you. Sound familiar?"

My pulse quickened. "Y-Yes. What did they do?"

Helga shrugged. "Hailed the station. They said they were looking for an Ulthean runaway. Fit your description. Bighorn Ovid, blonde hair, leg prosthetics. Said you might be missing an eye, too. I won't ask how it happened. I can guess."

I grimaced, remembering how the cybernetic hissed and sparked. "So you lied to them?"

"What? No," Helga scoffed. "Ulthea doesn’t get special treatment just because they’re the biggest pirates in the galaxy. Besides, we still had your ship in dock. It was obvious we had you. I just pointed out that I happened to have the larger guns in the conversation, and invited them to leave. Seems to have worked."

There was a pause as I stared at her in surprise. I had considered the GHU to be untouchable. It was an empire whose territory took up a third of the known galaxy. I never heard of a single military defeat. The idea of an independent station standing up to them without fear was mind blowing. Then something she said finally processed in my mind.

"Wait, Benni!" I shouted, then broke into a coughing fit. Once it subsided, I said, weakly, "You still have the Benevolence?"

Helga raised an eyebrow. "Sure. It's in pretty bad shape, though. I get that you had to, but jumping with your CDrive in that state nearly got you killed. You shorted most of your systems, and honestly, you're lucky it didn't rip the ship in half."

"If you have a Flux Tech, I can take care of the rest and get it running," I said. "I used to be a ship mechanic before, uh. Yeah. There’s gotta be somewhere to get parts, right?"

Helga just grunted in response, shaking her big head. "You aren't taking care of anything. Firstly, you’re in no shape to perform any kind of ship repair for a good while. Secondly, that thing is basically scrap. I can't afford to have a junker, and a GHU junker at that, taking up one of my docks. It would cost more to repair than to get a new new one. Far as I’m concerned, it’s only there until I find an interested buyer."

The thought of selling Benni made my blood boil. I took a deep breath to shout again, and fell into another coughing fit.

"Wanderer's aching feet, girl," Helga said. She stood to get me some water. "Would you relax? It's just a ship. If you're a mechanic, I could use you. You'd make enough money to get a new one in no time."

I took the offered glass and drank the entire thing. After a few deep breaths, I calmed down a little. "It's not just a ship. There's an AI onboard. It saved me."

Helga squinted. "What do you mean, the AI saved you?"

"It's, um," I struggled with what to say. In my experience, AI were seen as useful tools, and like pets at the very best. Unshackling them was a severe taboo in Ulthea, for obvious reasons. I figured it was the same out here. Eventually, I realized I couldn't think of a good excuse and sighed. "I... unshackled it so that I could escape."

That elicited a long, hard stare. "That certainly explains why we can't get in," Helga finally said after a minute of silence. Her usual soft tone had gone cold. "Diagnostic tools haven't been working properly, but we can tell something in it still has power. We were just about ready to blow the doors off with explosives, but I thought I should at least see if you could get us in before we lowered the resale value."

It was my turn to squint. “If you can’t use diagnostic tools, how could you tell the systems were shorted?”

Helga growled in response. “That was before I knew there was a damn rouge AI onboard. You realize how dangerous that is? It could do some serious damage to the station if it had half a mind to.”

“Yes! Yes, I know,” I said, shrinking back into the bed. “I didn’t have a choice! Listen, please, it’s like a person! We just wanted our freedom.”

Helga was silent again, searching my face for something. It seemed as though she found what she was looking for, because she stood with a sigh and said, "Fine. I'll be right back, and you're going to show me this AI."

I nodded with relief, feeling my heartrate finally start to settle. "Thank you."

"Don’t thank me yet. I’m gonna need a lot of convincing." Helga said, before the door slid shut behind her.

< Previous Chapter | Start | Next Chapter >

#writers on tumblr #far out #sci fi

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sunnydaleherald · 1 year ago

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The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter, Thursday, December 28

Ms. Barton: Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and, pretend we're reading something until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here! Xander: Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton? Cordelia: Get in line.

~~Band Candy~~

[Drabbles & Short Fiction]

Tradition (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by VeroNyxK84

Midnight Rendezvous (Xander, Angel, NR) by Rivana

Keep Your Friends Close (Xander, Angel, G) by Rivana

Unsighted (Crossover with Psych, G) by Rivana

Family (Xander, Spike, M) by Rivana

Dark Son (Xander, G) by Rivana

You took the words right out of my mouth (Giles/Jenny, G) by Bobbie23

Old Friends (or something like it) (Crossover with Bones, G) by Rivana

Misconcepstions (Crossover with Labyrinth, G) by TheFruitBat

Flowers Among the Morning Dews (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by cawthraven

Beyond Time and Space (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by rkm

Charades (Buffy/Spike, PG) by EllieRose101

The Living (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by temporarytitle

A Peachy Christmas (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by JSBirsa

The Merry Month of Magnus Presents... Take Me Home (Buffy/Spike, PG) by tbd

Sexy December 28th (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by Lady Emma

[Chaptered Fiction]

Birds of a Feather, Chapter 6 (Crossover with Teen Titans, T) by dogbertcarroll

For The Dark, Chapter 1 (Buffy/Faith, E) by CharcoalTeeth

La Hija., Chapter 1 (Crossover wtih Smallville, Spanish language, M) by KalK

every city's got a graveyard, Chapter 1 (Crossover with Stranger Things, NR) by hairstevington

Buffy/Angel (Post TV Series), Chapter 1 (Multi, M) by Salvatore_Legacy_2021

Closer, Chapter 73 (Buffy/Spike, R) by all_choseny

Hello, Darling, Chapter 5 (Buffy/Spike, R) by Spikelover4ever

Cherry on Top, Chapter 19 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by Maxineeden

Last Hurrah, Chapter 14 (Buffy/Spike, R) by ClowniestLivEver

Friend of a Friend's Cousin, Chapter 6 (Crossover with How I Met Your Mother, PG-13) by ClowniestLivEver

The Grapevine, Chapter 12 (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by ClowniestLivEver

Hi Granny!, Chapter 15 (Buffy/Spike, PG) by Desicat

Easy Street, Chapter 5 (Crossover with The Walking Dead, FR18) by Arke

Potter Twins 5: The Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 16 (Crossover with Harry Potter, FR15) by Plato

The Magic of Sunnydale, Chapter 4 (Crossover with Harry Potter, FR15) by Buffyworldbuilder

Xanderpocalypse, Chapter 9 (Multiple crossings, FR15) by AxelBlade

The Prodigal Boyfriend, Chapter 4 (Buffy/Spike, 18+) by myrabeth

Aftermath, Chapter 1 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by Rea

The Merry Month of Magnus Presents . . . No Rules, Just Right, Chapter 10 (Buffy/Spike, PG) by bookishy

Other, Chapter 2 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by Grief Counseling

Love Lives Here, Chapter 1 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by Passion4Spike

The Freak Show, Chapter 2 (Buffy/Spike, AO) by hulettwyo

[Images, Audio & Video]

Artwork:[Spike sketch] by junebugjo

Artwork:spangle by genericaces

Gifset:BTVS 1x03 - Witch by thepunkmuppet

Gifset: BTVS 1x04 - Teacher’s Pet by thepunkmuppet

Gifset:Be careful™ by mycatismyfriend

Gifset:1x06 | “The Pack” by clarkgriffon

Gifset:3x03 | 2x18 by thepunkmuppet

Gifset:2.17 || 3.12 by detectivedawnsummers

Gifset:No. 13 + Buffy the Vampire Slayer by sulietsexual

Video: Buffy the Vampire Slayer BEST BITS out of context (season 6) by Love Bites

Video: Xbox Longplay [003] Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds (EU) by World of Longplays

Video: Buffy, The Vampire Slayer - Jumpin', Jumpin' by Boo Harder

[Reviews & Recaps]

( ͡♥ ͜ʖ ͡♥)---🤖| Buffy the Vampire Slayer 5x15 "I Was Made to Love You" | Normies Group Reaction! by The Normies

The Weight of the World: Buffy the Vampire Slayer 5x21 Reaction by Dakara

The Gift: Buffy the Vampire Slayer 5x22 Reaction by Dakara

Actually, Cordelia and Xander's Relationship Made Sense on 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' by PopSnippets

[Recs & In Search Of]

Queen's Gambit recced by februaryfangfest

In need of a less depressing Buffy fic by OtherwiseFortune4

[Community Announcements]

Fandom Trees Masterlist [Trees with Buffy and Angel requests available] by FandomTrees

Reminder: No Ads by TTH

Charisma Carpenter will be joining James Marsters at Whispers from the Hellmouth Apr 20-21! by jamiemarsters

Juleit Landau will be joining James Marsters at For The Love of Fantasy Aug 17-18! by jamiemarsters

[Fandom Discussions]

[Anya deserved better] by groovebunker

[Giles in s6] by spikes-left-eyebrow

Do you think Buffy ever talked with Xander and Dawn about their reaction to Willow? [cont.] by multiple authors

The letter in "Touched" by multiple authors

What's something from the Buffyverse that bothers you now but didn't when you were younger? by multiple authors

Fun Fact- The New Little Sister/Faith Hope and Trick, and Jealousies/Real Me by multiple authors

I love Season 4 by multiple authors

Revived Drusilla: A Big Bad missed opportunity by multiple authors

Season 4 Timeline? by multiple authors

Buffy in different languages by multiple authors

[Articles, Interviews, and Other News]

Publication: This 1 Line From 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' Is An Ode Our Old Habits via Huffpost

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Submit a link to be included in the newsletter!

Join the editor team :)

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lilbardrhi · 3 months ago

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Chapter Six: Bruh... Braids?

Pairings: Kíli x Original Female Character; Fíli x Original Female Character

CW: graphic depictions of violence; major character death; self-insert style original characters; The Trifecta (smut, fluff, and angst); time travel; MGiME

Author's Note: Check out @megjameswrites for more T-V content!

The fire had died down considerably since Balin's history lesson and my memory adjustment. We'd all been settled and in bed now for a while but I was nowhere near sleep. Any time I closed my eyes I couldn't see anything except Kíli's face before he-

I rolled over quickly to look at Meg and ask if she was awake but she was already facing me with open eyes.

"You're awake," I whispered, pain obvious in my voice.

Tears stung at my eyes again and Meg sat up.

"I am. Come on."

She held a hand out to me once she was standing and we tiptoed back in the direction we came and down the trail slightly. Only far enough that we would be out of earshot but close enough that we were still available if something happened. Y'know, like Orcs and Wargs attacking.

We sat in some grass at the edge of the trail. My head immediately fell to her shoulder.

"I can't watch them die, Meg," I forced through tears after a few minutes.

The moon was bright tonight so we could see just fine but I almost didn't want to. I really wanted to just go back to the camp and curl up next to Kíli. That would be weird, though, especially since I couldn't explain why I would suddenly be so affectionate and near him but clearly crying.

"I'm not overly fond of the idea either."

Her arm went around my shoulders, knowing that I was going to need a hug of some kind. She probably will too, but won't ask for it, so I leaned closer knowing she's not really one for hugs anyway. Just being close is more her style.

"Then what do we do? Can we do anything? Would it be wrong to even try to save them?"

Question after question fell from my mouth like the saltwater sliding down my cheeks.

"Are you shitting me?" She actually sounded a bit offended, if I'm honest. "Wrong? Fucking hell, why do you think we're here? I mean, for a while I was pretty convinced this was truly a spectacular first experience with drugs, not gonna lie-"

"It's not this vivid," I mumbled.

"Nice."

I could almost hear the eye roll.

"But this?" She continued with a vague gesture. "This is real. We're in the story, living the story. We've already changed it, you know. The whole butterfly effect has already started. We showed up and everything shifted. Try to save them?" Her hand tightened on my arm; she was holding back tears and I could feel it; the grip on my arm helped confirm my suspicions. "Shit. I'm going to- We are going to. That's got to be why we're here. Don't you think?"

I sniffled and considered her questions. Hope filled my heart but I was apparently only allowing myself a certain amount of it. Doubt crashed around me again and I cried harder.

"But what if we can't? What if it's too set in stone?"

I wanted to ask more but couldn't bring myself to do so. It hurt enough knowing that we may have to watch them die anyway but voicing it? Saying out loud that I didn't want to watch any of those Durins die? I didn't want to watch Thorin's grouchy ass die, Fíli's lionheart needed to continue beating, and Kíli needed to keep being the fluffy fucking bunny that he is. Though, I suppose he's more like the rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail than anything; cute and fluffy but can kill you. A half sob, half-laugh escaped my throat at the comparison but I cried harder.

"Fate is just an excuse to not fight. Nothing's set in stone."

Meg's tone was flat so I didn't argue further. Instead, I asked one last question.

"Then what do we do?"

"Change it. We'll figure it out as we go," she told me in complete confidence.

I'm not sure just how much of that confidence was real but fine, I'm tired anyway and Emotions™ are hard enough when I'm not ready to pass out.

"We need to get back to camp before Dwalin comes looking for us."

I nodded and we stood but I stayed close to her as we walked back. As soon as we got back to the Company, we were stopped.

"Rhi?"

I turned towards Dwalin to see him wave me over but when I turned back to Meg she jerked her chin towards him.

"Go on. I'm going to sleep," she said with a dismissive shrug.

So when she walked back to her bedroll, I walked up to Dwalin.

"Yes?"

Why do I feel like I'm in trouble? I didn't do anything wrong! It's not like Dwalin's gonna scold me or anything. Right? I stopped in front of him and waited for an answer but he stayed quiet, studying my face.

"Why were you crying?"

My breath caught and I fought back more tears. I can't tell him that, can I? Then I might actually be in trouble and with Gandalf! Thoughts continued racing around my mind and didn't halt until I felt arms around me.

Dwalin was... hugging me?

"What are you doing?" I asked quietly but knew more tears already broke through.

"Offering comfort," he said and began to step back.

Clearly needing it, even if I didn't realize how badly, I threw my arms around the Dwarrow and held on tightly as I sobbed quietly. He awkwardly patted my back for a few minutes until my obvious crying became small sniffles and uneven breathing.

"Thank you," I whispered, now embarrassed and pulling away from him.

"Do you need to talk about it? Is it the flowers again? Did Kíli pick another one near you? I told him not to do it again-"

I laughed quietly and shook my head.

"No, he hasn't picked a flower anywhere near me since I heard the rest screaming. He does still bring me flowers occasionally, though."

"I know," Dwalin's expression and voice went flat then he sat down. He patted the ground next to him so I sat down. "Are you ok?"

"I think I will be," I told him with a shrug, avoiding eye contact. "It might take me a little, internally, to be ok but outside? I'm already doing better."

"Well, that doesn't sound healthy."

"It's really not," I agreed, "but it's how I survived emotionally where Meg and I came from. Old habits die hard."

Dwalin stayed quiet for a while, I'd guess he didn't know what to say, but that was ok. I don't mind sitting in silence as long as it's with someone I trust and am comfortable with; then I actually enjoy it. As much as I love music, singing, dancing, laughing, and various other loud activities, sitting in silence with someone you trust can be just as healing.

My eyes started to feel heavy enough that I couldn't keep them open much longer so, knowing that I probably wouldn't make it back to my bedroll without tripping over at least one sleeping body, I moved so I was on my side with my arm under my head.

"Hey, Dwalin?"

He grunted in acknowledgment.

"Will you sing something?"

"Like what, lass?" He sounded amused and I smiled sleepily, eyes closed now, then yawned.

"Misty Mountains," I mumbled, almost asleep already.

"Why?"

"Because it's a beautiful song, though full of pain, and I'd sing it myself but I'm too tired and you're still on watch." He started to protest but then, through the thick fog of emotional exhaustion and need to sleep, I mumbled, "I wanna be in Erebor. It's beautiful and it really feels like home."

Dwalin, the tallest Dwarf of the Company, started singing shortly after as I drifted to sleep.

For whatever god-forsaken reason I always sleep better after I have heavy emotions and do a bunch of crying. Brains, man, they're so weird. After the previous evening, I was up when Thorin was and he's always the first up besides whoever was on watch!

"Did you even sleep last night?" Thorin asked once he saw me sitting up, eyes open, and in the same spot, I sat around the fire yesterday.

"Yes, I slept, smartass," I scoffed while playing absently with the end of my braid. "What?"

"You do know what a braid means, right?" Dramatic™ asked me so I promptly turned bright red.

"Again, yes. I do. We both clarified that I do know but I needed help so he was helping. I'm not asking your nephew to marry me, Judas fuck, Thorin. And he's not asking me," I shot out before he could argue.

He hummed in response and I just sat there dumbfounded. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

"At least it looks nice," Meg pouted after plopping next to me. "I've still got a rat's nest."

I'm sure Thorin's eye was twitching about Meg's complaining if he was still upset that I got my hair done.

"Maybe I'll have a Dwarf Prince Charming braid my hair next," she said while giving me this wicked grin and batting her eyes at me innocently.

"You're awful," I told her, trying to hide my embarrassment and shoving her away.

"Morning, ladies," Fíli greeted us.

Kíli wandered up behind him and gave us a good morning as well before working to restart the fire for breakfast.

"Did you sleep ok?" Kíli asked me, glancing at me with a tired smile. "You've never been up before us."

I nodded, forced back the images from yesterday, and hummed a song quietly instead. Meg squinted at me, for my song choice I'm sure, but I ignored her and enjoyed the somewhat peaceful morning.

"What song is that? Have you sung it for Song and Story Time yet?" Ori called over to me and I instantly stopped.

"It's not from any of the stories I've told or could tell, no. And isn't one that I will sing because it's not Disney," I told him apologetically.

"Actually it is," Meg said and I tensed.

I was really hoping she wouldn't remember that.

"It's not part of a storyline but it's on a soundtrack for a Disney movie. So what can't you help doing, Rhi?"

"I'm not answering you. I'm ignoring you and I'm going to have breakfast."

And that's what I did.

"Why were you singing that last night, brother?" Balin asked Dwalin.

They were a few seats away and Dwalin looked like he wasn't going to answer. I hope my request doesn't get him in trouble.

The day may have started warm and sunny but it quickly became cold and wet once we were moving again. Yin began complaining as soon as he felt the first few drops. For the first time since we'd arrived in Middle Earth, I shivered.

"Here, Mr. Gandalf, can't you do something about this deluge?" Dori called up to the Wizard.

"It is raining, Master Dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another Wizard," Gandalf shot back.

"Are there any?" Bilbo's curiosity always made me smile.

So unlike a typical Hobbit, but so like a Took.

"What?"

"Other Wizards."

"There are five of us! The greatest of our order is Saruman the White."

I made a face at the name which earned a quick laugh from Meg.

"Then there are the two Blue Wizards- do you know, I've quite forgotten their names."

"And who is the fifth?" Bilbo pushed.

"Well, that would be Radagast the Brown."

"My personal favorite," I mumbled.

"Is he a great Wizard? Or is he more like you?"

I heard Meg snort from beside me and shook my head. This Hobbit throws some serious shade!

"I think he's a very great Wizard, in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others."

That right there is why he's my favorite. Animals are better than people to him, for the most part, and I feel that in my soul! Yin snorted and I glared at the back of his head.

"He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the east. And a good thing too. For always evil will look to find a foothold in this world."

"Sad but true," I agreed with a frown.

"And what about you two?" Bilbo asked Meg and me. "Why aren't you considered Wizards and carry tall staffs if you use magic?"

Meg and I looked at each other from under the hoods of our much too short cloaks. What the hell were we supposed to tell him?

"They are Witches, my dear Bilbo," Gandalf started the explanation. "Though there can be female Wizards, Meg and Rhi are a different type of magic wielders for they do not come from this world; they are the descendants of two Witches who were, though. In their world, magic is not nearly as plentiful as it is here so they use it differently than most. However, I think they'll find that here in Middle Earth, it doesn't take much to use their magic."

"So can they make the rain stop?" Dori spoke up again and the Company laughed.

"They aren't in control of the weather, no," Gandalf said, sounding a bit annoyed. "Rhi has a connection with nature, as we have all witnessed, and there are a few more things that she may be able to do as well. As for Meg," the old Wizard trailed off, as if in thought. "I have an idea of who she may take after. If only because Rhi has clearly taken after one of the two I knew so well. The two were just as close as Meg and Rhi." The Wizard glanced back at us. "These two may be closer, actually."

Well, at least he had ideas as to what to expect from us.

Y'know, I never expected Meg would sing around anybody, especially the Company. Even back home the only way I heard her sing was through voice messages or while we were on the phone. But damn did she rock Touch the Sky! Proud best friend moment right there.

However...

I tilted my head. Maybe I thought seeing from a different angle, literally, would make them fit better but the braids Thorin gave Meg just weren't settling right with me.

"They don't seem very," I trailed off, trying to find the right word or words.

"Her?" Kíli offered.

With a nod, I sat upright again then turned to him.

"They really aren't very Meg. At all. It's kind of painful, actually," I mumbled.

Fíli dropped something behind us and I jumped. Why does he seem so on edge lately?

"Did I do ok with yours?" Kíli seemed panicked and I laughed.

"You did great! I've always wanted flower braids, honestly."

He gave me a very confused look so I explained further.

"Before Meg and I were tossed into Middle Earth, I kept my hair so short that it stopped above my ears. There wasn't enough to braid and I rarely did anything other than washing it and brushing it. Sometimes I'd put a bow in it."

"But why?"

Oh my, he actually looks worried or maybe even scared!

"It's not easy to take care of this much hair by yourself, Kíli."

My smile stayed in place but he still looked worried.

"I don't think I'd cut it while here, honestly."

What am I saying? I can't stand having long hair anymore! Granted, I really enjoyed the feeling of someone styling it again. Especially since it was this Dwarrow.

I really gotta stop.

"Pinned ya!"

"Ok, Nala," I shouted automatically.

"We're training, I'm not fucking him!"

After her protest, I turned to look at them.

"Hm. You sure about that?"

My eyebrows raised with my question as I took in the way they were positioned. Fíli was probably in pain with that view.

Meg, seemingly oblivious to how she was just crouched over Fíli, jumped up and offered her hand to him.

"Whatever. Come on; again!"

"You said I couldn't be Nala. Why does she get to be?"

Kíli sounded so offended I couldn't help but laugh.

"Who is Nala?" Fíli added as he took Meg's offered hand.

"Simba's girlfriend."

No use hiding that. I ship these two pretty hard anyway. Something about their dynamic just... fits.

"We need to hear this tale, I think," Fíli announced, maybe a little louder than necessary.

"Yeah," Meg agreed, "she should start that one tonight. We gonna go again or what?"

Fíli began to protest but when Meg suggested that he just didn't want to lose again he changed his tune.

"Pinned ya again!" Meg shouted.

In response, I covered my mouth with both hands and leaned my forehead on Kíli's shoulder while trying not to laugh too hard.

"You can't kill me from here," Fíli protested.

"Maybe not, but I have the upper hand. My point."

The pinned lion mumbled something in response but brushed it off when Meg asked what he said.

"Again," he said but I jumped up with a big smile.

"Nope! Story time!"

With my announcement, the Dwarves made their way to the fire, Ori taking his usual seat next to me. Kíli took Meg's usual spot this time but she and Fíli settled on the opposite side of Kíli.

Megli, they are now Megli.

Middle Earth is just gorgeous! That's all there is to it. Nature allowed to grow as it should, not controlled and disrespected, has always been one of my favorite sites. Pardon me while I pout about not visiting Ireland or Scotland while Meg and I were... how do I even describe that? "In our time"?

"We'll camp here for the night," Thorin called from the front of the Company. "Fíli, Kíli, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them."

I hopped off of Yin and stretched then leaned against him. He told me I wasn't resting enough but I scoffed.

"I sleep plenty so hush," I defended myself.

"I think it would be wiser to move on," Gandalf announced. "We could make for the Hidden Valley."

"Y'all have ranch?"

The words were out of my mouth before I even realized they were happening. Whatever was frustrating Meg just moments before was apparently forgotten because she turned to me. The look on her face told me she was holding back laughter. Then it hit me.

"Oh! Right. My bad," I laughed nervously.

Meg finally started laughing, hair falling from her braid and into her face. Fíli should fix that.

"I'm going to fix your braids."

Well, would ya looky there? He volunteered!

"Let us get the ponies taken care of first, though."

"I'm going too!"

Grabbing Yin's reigns, I guided him towards the brothers who were already taking ponies down the hill.

"Come one, Meg. Your hair needs help and he's probably more willing to fix it than Thorin is or was."

She opened her mouth to argue then snapped it shut and glared at me.

"You're up to something," she accused me but I shrugged.

Gandalf had stormed off in his frustration over the stubbornness of Dwarves and now Fíli was re-braiding Meg's hair. His occasional outbursts about how "Uncle can do better than this" were rather amusing.

"I'm sure he could but he's grouchy and worried about the biggest meaning of braids," I laughed.

Fallen trees and tree stumps aren't normally that comfortable to sit on for very long so I've started leaning against them while I sit on the ground instead. Kíli, on the other hand, was actually sitting on the fallen tree.

"You wouldn't marry him anyway, Rhi."

Meg yelped when Fíli pulled on her hair and I rolled my eyes with a smile.

"Not that one. Probably a different Dwarf, though."

"What's wrong with my uncle?" Fíli demanded.

My smile fell and I suddenly realized what exactly she was doing so I shot her a heavy glare.

"Nothing. He's just not Rhi's type."

Meg, stop it!

"Any female would be lucky to be with my uncle!"

Fíli shut up and she will!

"Sure, but I don't want him. They can have him."

Meg shrugged and Fíli pulled her hair again then mumbled something.

Things went silent and I began to relax thinking that nobody would question what she was implying.

"Rhi finds Dwarves attractive?"

I swear to all things holy and otherwise, Meg- why would you bring this up?

"Good lord, y'all are dense! You haven't figured that out yet?"

With each word out of her mouth, my horror grew and I got tenser.

"Of course she does!"

"Ok," I scrambled to my feet and made a point to not look anybody in the eyes, "I'm gonna head back up to have dinner!"

Then I took off back up the hill and away from my absolute embarrassment. They didn't need to know that, Meg!

Not long after I'd been sitting and enjoying my food, Meg came back and sat next to me. My eyes immediately went to her Viking warrior hair. Fíli did an amazing job!

On the left side of her head was a thick French braid, the right side was split into five much smaller braids. Down the middle was left unbraided with a slight "poof" to it but looked like it would have no problem staying thanks to the ponytail made of various sized braids. The top braid from the right side of her head was wrapped around all of the individual braids. At the end of each one was a small strip of leather to keep them all in place.

"Holy shit. This is so much better," I told her.

She smirked at me while she finished a spool full of stew.

"Isn't it? It's already staying better too."

We sat in silence while the rest of the Company, minus two specific Dwarf Princes, whispered quietly. I would guess the main topic would be Meg's new braids.

"You good, though? You were blushing so hard earlier, I thought you were gonna pass out."

"If I'd stayed down there I might have."

"Here, do us a favor. Take these to the lads," Bofur's request of Bilbo sent a wave if familiarity through me and my eyes widened when I realized why .

"Rhi, quit dwelling on it or you're gonna-"

"Meg, do you know where we are?"

She gave me a frustrated glare but looked around us and shrugged.

"Lost in the woods?" She offered and I sighed then leaned closer so only she would hear.

"Trolls. This means, this time, we are the reason Daisy and Bungo are missing. Bilbo's already gone which means..." I trailed off to let her finish.

"Which means I get to fight soon!" Her voice rose in excitement with every word and I sighed.

That's not- she's not wrong but that wasn't my point. We also have more attention than before thanks to her loud excitement.

"Fight what?" Thorin demanded.

Before either of us could answer, Fíli and Kíli came running back up the hill. Both were clearly out of breath.

"Trolls," Fíli said and Kíli nodded in agreement.

"Three of them," Meg said, still excited, so I swatted her arm.

"Hope y'all are ready. We'll be moving very quickly from this point on for a while," I sighed. "Does anybody have a sword I can borrow? Oh. Thanks, Nori. I'll get it back to you when I can."

I'm sure he'd have done more than a nod in response but we were all scrambling to get to the Trolls... and Bilbo.

"Maybe fighting the Trolls with the Dwarves wasn't the best idea," I offered but Meg sighed, clearly annoyed.

We fought with them, sure, but it got us tied to the bases of separate trees with no weapons and every single Dwarf in sacks. The Hobbit too. Oh well, I guess. Gandalf will be here eventually and Bilbo will stall until he gets here. He's smart like that and I am so glad.

The Company seemed too busy protesting being cooked to notice how silent we were. It may have raised some questions otherwise.

"Well, have you smelt them? You're gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up."

As offended as I may have been, he wasn't wrong. None of us had bathed in- well for me I did a couple of hours before falling asleep in bed back home. Can't say anything for the Dwarves, though. Meg probably had around the same time I did if not sooner.

"He's got worms in his... tubes!"

Tom grunted in disgust and threw Bombur back on the pile of Dwarves.

"In fact, they all have! They're infested with parasites. It's a terrible business. I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't," Bilbo added to his earlier statement and I laughed quietly at the offended "infected" persons protesting loudly.

I heard the muted thud of Thorin kicking whoever was laying over his feet and all arguing stopped. Then shouts of agreement rang through the air and I did my best not to laugh too hard.

"Glad you think being tied up is so funny," Meg grumbled.

"I'm laughing at them and you know it," I wrinkled my nose at her.

"You're laughing at Kíli and his claim of having the biggest parasites."

She glanced over at me but I refused to look at her. I'm sure with my lack of laughter and sudden quiet she knew she got to me. Damn her! It's funny!

"The dawn will take you all!"

"Thank fuck," Meg and I said in unison.

I winced at the sudden light from Gandalf cracking the rock in half, but soon enough the Trolls were stone and the Dwarves were out of the sacks and dressed.

"Need a hand?" Fíli offered with a smirk.

Meg rolled her eyes in response but he got to work on getting her free. Kíli, who had followed his brother over, had started working on freeing me without a word. Once the rope was off he began checking my arms to make sure I had no serious injuries.

"Kíli," I said softly and put a hand over one of his.

His serious eyes found mine and softened once I smiled.

"I'm fine. Thank you, though."

Meg gagged from the next tree over and I picked up a stick, blindly throwing it at her.

"Your aim sucks!"

She and Fíli laughed.

"Oh, I'm aware. There's a definite reason I didn't play any sports that required good aim. I will argue and say dance and cheer are sports, though. I did ok with those. Cheerleading was definitely my favorite of the two," I rambled.

"You dance?" Kíli asked and panic settled over me.

"Nope. I am one of the most ungraceful people you will ever meet. Ballet, tap, and jazz were classes then recitals and I hardly remember anything. What I do remember? Miss J would be hurt by how awful it looks when I do dance. As for cheerleading? I don't think I could do a toe touch anymore and all progress I had on the splits is definitely gone-"

"Rhi! You anxious mess, I don't think he was asking you to do so. I think he was just asking if you do," Meg laughed at me and I felt my embarrassment grow.

So, to prevent me from reaching the next step – digging a hole to hide in - I snapped my mouth shut.

"What are 'the splits'?" Kíli asked.

He seemed to be getting just as curious as Bilbo lately.

"You don't want to know," Meg said with a pat on his shoulder.

I agree; he and every other male who saw would be in pain just from the sight. Probably just from an explanation as well.

Shortly after, we were all on the search for a Troll hoard.

"Parasites, huh?" Kíli's head swiveled towards me and his eyes were wide. "You've got the biggest something!"

"I what?"

Now he just looked embarrassed.

With a sweet smile and a laugh I told him, "The biggest heart!"

"No, she definitely meant what you thought," Meg said from behind us and I rolled my eyes.

I didn't actually but I was implying for a joke.

"Don't lie. We all know what you meant."

I did my best to keep my expression neutral, held my head high, and kept walking.

"I don't know what on Earth you're talking about," was all I told her.

"Meanwhile, in Middle Earth," Meg started.

"Everyone knows," Fíli finished for her.

I tripped on a tree root, almost introducing my face to the ground, but kept walking and crossed my arms.

"Well, shit. I can't say that anymore. Is it too late to correct myself and say Middle Earth?"

"She's not denying it, though," Kíli pointed out smugly.

"She's not because she doesn't know. And I never said she was right, just that she meant it," Meg corrected him.

"Because, obviously, I do," Fíli said proudly.

What the hell did I just start?

"Wrong."

Confused, I turned to Meg. She was smirking and was way too confident in that answer.

"It's Thorin."

"Why do you say that like you actually know?" Fíli sounded panicked and, though I also wanted to know how she seemed to know, I was fighting back laughter.

"I know shit," she informed us with a wink just as we all approached the Troll hoard.

The sound of the flies was enough for me to make a face but the smell was awful.

"Oh, what's that stench?" Nori was just as disgusted as the rest of us, it seems.

"It's a Troll-hoard. Be careful what you touch," Gandalf warned us all.

As we each entered the rotten-flesh-smelling cave, we gagged. I'm also fairly certain somebody threw up.

"Seems a shame just to leave it lying around," Bofur pointed out, already off to the side at kicking at some of the gold.

"Hey, Meg," I tugged on her sleeve and she looked back at me like she could throw up but refused to do so.

Girl, I feel.

"Don't Gandalf and Thorin find a whole stash of weapons in here?"

Her eyes lit up in excitement and she pulled me further into the disgusting cave.

After a small amount of digging, Meg found a pair of war axes that I know she was already in love with. I pouted a bit since I'd found a quiver full of arrows and a short sword but I still hadn't found a bow.

"Hey, bitch. Look," Meg called to me.

When I turned to her she was holding up a longbow and laughed when I squealed happily.

"Thank you! Where'd you find it?" I took it from her and turned it over in my hands. "Nevermind. It stinks so bad in here and I just want to leave."

"Then let's get out because agreed."

Once outside again, I took a deep breath of the fresher-than-inside air. Then I promptly began cleaning off my new weapons.

"What'd you find, Rhi?"

I whipped around to face Kíli, giant smile plastered to my face and held out the bow to him.

"I have my own bow now! And I found a quiver full of arrows and," I handed him the bow and quiver so I could unsheathe the short sword for him to actually see it, "since a bow doesn't really help when the attacker is up close and personal."

He inspected the weapons closely, making sure they were in working order for me, then looked back up with a smile.

"Now we get to see if my archery lessons helped at all. I can help you position the quiver if you'd like. They can be a pain to get right the first time," he offered.

I nodded excitedly as we got to work. It took a few tries but we got it! We even managed to get the sword where it should be.

"Something's coming!"

We both turned at the sound of Thorin's voice and Kíli readied his bow.

"Stay close," he told me, all business now.

I stayed relaxed, maybe a bit excited, as Radagast came bursting through the brush. Time for bunnies!

Masterlist | Tolkien Masterlist | Chapter One

#rhi writes #t-v

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musical-chick-13 · 1 year ago

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Purple, Yellow, Brown let's gooooooo

💜 Purple: Name one song you're listening to while writing your next/current fanfic. How or why does it help the writing process?

YES I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD ASK ME THIS.

Okay, so we're. On closer to god lockdown for...however long it takes me to finish this (aside from hopefully doing something silly for their anniversary), but I have very much had "Frankenstein" by Rina Sawayama on repeat. The upcoming chapter is where the "negotiation" part of the "kink negotiation" happens, and I think this song is a pretty good representation of River's headspace at that time. Because she's stubborn af and doesn't want to talk about her problems, immersing myself in a musical reflection of where she is emotionally really helps me parse out how to get her through this conversation (and its related personal development) in a way that feels authentic and realistic. This song is a representation of what she feels but isn't saying--and if I know what she's not saying, that makes it easier to figure out what she is going to say.

💛 Yellow: Do you ever alter, highlight, or de-emphasize certain canonical traits in a character? If so, why and describe how.

Oh, if I CAN make a character mentally ill, I'm going to. If a character I like has even a hint of serious emotional or psychological struggles, I am going FULL exploration mode. This is because, as I'm sure everyone is well aware, I am mentally ill, and there is...not a whole lot of discussion or intentional representation of this. And you know what they say: if it doesn't exist, try writing it yourself.

I can and will lean into women being fucked-up in various ways, and I...definitely emphasize those women's love interests being into their deranged behavior.

And I'm probably most likely to de-emphasize a lack of communication skills. Not to the point of completely overwriting it or ignoring it (chapter 3 of closer to god has been kind of a bitch to write sometimes for a reason), but...I like writing characters talking. And for them to really talk, there has to be a way to get them on the same page. The communication difficulties will still be there, but I'm willing to downplay them if I have to.

🤎 Brown: How did you decide to write (or why are you writing) a certain fanfic? (Asker, feel free to choose a specific story you're curious about. You can also let the answerer choose the story.)

I answered this here! But tldr, usually my brain gives me Ideas™ and then I have to write them down before they completely commandeer my ability to mentally function. (Either that or I was procrastinating an assignment, lmao.)

Although for uh. A REALLY unhinged one-shot I have coming up. Pretty much that decision came about from going, "What is the weirdest thing I could write?" and then just. Running with that. (Though it's still primarily the "needing to write down this idea so it doesn't steal my braincells" thing.)

Fanfic ask game!

#THANK YOU FRIEND 💜💜💜#multi t(ASK)ing #c2g #The Fic That's A Lot #(<-because I do talk about it)#I am...NOT getting into everything that went into deciding to write closer to god

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catboyebooks · 2 years ago

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god, where to fucking start? i think i'll put a pin in the kamukura issue because we'll have more to discuss re: that in a minute anyway. let's talk about nanami. Let's fucking talk about nanami.

firstable, jumping directly to the main issue, i love how direct she is here in pointing out the root of hinata's problems. Being Talented is not and has never been the real issue here, obviously. literally nobody cares except him. it's nbd that hinata is pretty average at stuff, his peers don't care (even komaeda, who is also very hung up on the importance of having a talent, acknowledges that he still likes hinata just as much knowing that he's ordinary), we as the players don't care (we had an everyman protag last time too). the real problem is that hinata is so utterly lacking in confidence that he just assumes he can't/won't succeed, all because he's not Talented™, so he just gives up and accepts defeat rather than trying. he's done pretty solidly as a protagonist in this game (i'd say he actually demonstrates some aptitude at the whole amateur detective thing) all because he assumed that being here meant he had a talent after all. also, hinata has spent the entire game refusing to do introspection because every time he comes slightly close to introspecting he starts doom spiraling. this guy has next to no confidence and THAT is the issue. so nanami just forcing him to confront this here is fucking great, it's been a long time coming, he absolutely needed this as a kick in the pants. But Also, nanami has never ever been this blunt or delivered this much "tough love" to anybody. her tone here, the way she's speaking, it feels different from how she's behaved in this game prior, and hinata notices. and i have a lot to say about this.

i remember seeing an interview with kodaka, talking about dr3, where he said he didn't get the idea that there might have been a real chiaki nanami they all went to high school with until after he wrote this scene. because nanami is acting different here, and, even though he had hinata point it out, he didn't have a clear idea in his head at the time for why she has this sudden shift in behavior. it's just what needed to happen to progress the story, i guess. we'll get to covering dr3 eventually on here and i don't wanna get too ahead of myself, but this is much closer to how nanami in dr3 acts than it is to anything we've seen from nanami previously in sdr2. so with that context, the way this reads is that hinata is, like, having a conversation in his head with the memory of the real nanami he once knew. without that context, taking sdr2 on its own, this reads as though hinata is really having this conversation with himself. he knows he has a self-esteem problem, just can't admit to it, and the only way he can bring himself to confront it is by projecting those feelings onto "nanami" and pretending like she's saying this stuff to him.

either way, hinata's not exactly talking to nanami here. the AI version of her doesn't seem to have been fully deleted (she showed up during the late chapter 5 glitching, like most everyone else), but this is different enough from her prior behavior that i think you can only read it as either hinata talking to a memory of real!nanami or talking to himself via a version of nanami he's imagined. even if kodaka wasn't sure why he was writing nanami this way at the time, he made it a conscious part of the narrative here by having hinata comment on it and ask repeatedly who he's really talking to.

god this game really is so fucking much all of the time. sorry i have to take constant asides to overanalyze everything. we're gonna continue i prommy.

when the scene resolves, hinata and nanami are floating in a void:

hinata asks nanami why she's here, shouldn't she have already disappeared? does this mean this is his memory of nanami? (nanami's just like "hm, i wonder?" but otherwise lets him talk here without interjecting.) he's like, hey, isn't it pretty fucked up of the future foundation to tell us the world will be destroyed if we don't sacrifice themselves? someone like me can't make that choice (i guess he figures important decisions are for talented people). hinata goes on to say he's had enough, he doesn't understand all this stuff and he's tired of being involved in it. he's had like three different existential crises in short order (learning he doesn't have a talent, learning he's part of shsl despair, learning that this version of himself isn't real and is doomed to disappear), and that's a bit fucked up, innit?

when nanami doesn't reply, hinata tries to get her to back him up. she doesn't want that outcome either, right? if they force shutdown the simulation, if they lose their memories of nanami, not a single trace of her existence will remain. nanami says, no, she won't disappear. even if she doesn't "exist," even if they lose their memories of her, as long as they continue working towards the future she fought for and gave her life for the sake of she'll never be completely gone. in pursuing the future she believed in, they'll keep her memory alive even if they can't literally remember her. hinata acknowledges this is true but hesitates, and nanami asks him if he's scared. it's not just the disappearing part; even if he survives in some form and can continue to move towards the future, the burden he has to carry now is heavy. hinata admits to this. yeah, he's scared. of course it's scary.

nanami gets suddenly forceful (for her, anyway) and calls hinata out for being perpetually indecisive. she asks him "didn't you want to become someone with confidence? isn't that why you admired hope's peak academy?" hinata points out that hope's peak also tricked him. and then nanami's like. Hinata-kun. You have been looking at this wrong the entire time. Becoming talented isn't the goal. Having faith in yourself is way more important than any talent. You could have all the talent in the world and it would not fix your confidence issues. she implies that this is really what went wrong with the whole kamukura thing — hope's peak trying to "make him talented" when his core issue wasn't lacking talent, it was lacking self-esteem.

hinata's taken aback by this. we've never known nanami to be this blunt. he asks who he's really talking to — nanami should have already disappeared, right? nanami ignores this and continues. she says that the hinata she and the others got to know during the killing game isn't the same hinata he was before all that. he's changed, he's moving forward, and it's gonna be alright. it's time he finally believed in himself.

hinata asks nanami what choice he should make. saving himself vs. saving the world — what's the right call? nanami says the decision is up to the group, they're the only ones with the right to decide their future, and the responsibility as well. hinata's like, ok, so i have to choose? nanami says, well, if you can't choose either of the futures you've been presented, how about creating your own? this world is just a game, but he isn't, and the rest of his classmates aren't either. they're real, and so for them this isn't a video game decision where their choices are binary. if options 1 and 2 both suck, they can create an option 3. hinata's like, can i do that? someone like me? and nanami reminds him that this isn't a game so things like talent, skill, level, etc. don't matter. they have a "tremendous ultimate move" that can overcome anything. her advice is to Just Do It, and things will turn out okay. he needs to make this decision for his own sake, not anybody else's. then she says "it's about time you show me your cool side!" i love the implication that he has yet to do anything cool around her. that's right. she also offers to help.

the scene fades out here. we're gonna get thrown right into another debate, i'm sure, but i have a couple things to say first. again. sorry about myself but this is all so much

#kes plays sdr2

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