#well i surely won't make that mistake again. hopefully. also. i have to explain to the professors why my work will be Bad

[tkbrokkoli]

everyone, professors friends family, were like you should relax during the holidays, so i was like, ok im going to relax during the holidays, which meant i didn't do anything for 3 weeks

now class starts again and i realized there's actually sm stuff that I should've done during these 3 weeks. there's a fucking 20 page report due to next thursday and i don't even understand the topic yet. also some reading and some calculations until monday and im now here like :)

like. whyyyyy was i so stupid and didn't realize that as a university student you don't actually have several weeks to relax and do Nothing. you have several weeks of No Classes bc there's a lot of Studying you're supposed to do. and my dumbass was like. free time, yippieh!!! :D

[canirove]

Rice, Rice, baby | Chapter 14

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Masterlist

“Liv, hi! How are… What the fuck! Why did you slap me?” Declan says, touching his face.

“Do you seriously have to ask?” I laugh.

“Yes?”

“Son of a bitch!” I say, hitting him again. Though this time he manages to grab my arm in time and I barely touch him. 

“Why don't you come inside and tell me what happened?” he says, gesturing towards his house.

“I don't want to be anywhere near you ever again, you lying piece of shit!”

“What?” 

“Please stop acting, Declan. You know why I'm here.” 

“Liv, I… I… ” he mumbles, running a hand through his hair and looking like a lost puppy. But don't let that fool you, Olivia. Don't. 

“You've been lying to me for months! For months! You've been telling me that you like me, making me feel special, as if this, us, could be something real. You've made me fall in love with you, and it was all a lie!” I say, not being able to contain my tears anymore. “And in the meantime, you were fucking other girls, probably also lying to them, also making them fall for you before breaking their hearts and have a laugh with your mates.” 

“Liv, that's not true. Come inside and let me explain myself.”

“No! I don't want to hear your excuses! I don't want to see you ever again!” I cry.

“Liv… Olivia, please.”

“I said no!” I yell when he tries to touch me. “I hate you, Declan Rice!” I say before walking away. 

The moment I get inside my car I start crying in a way I hadn't in years. My whole body is shaking, and I'm pretty sure people can hear me from outside. But I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“May I come in?”

“James?” I say. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to check on you. They told me you didn't go to work today because you were sick.”

“Yeah… Sick” I say, sitting up on my bed. 

“How are you?” he asks, taking a chair and sitting next to me.

“I feel as if someone had kicked and punched my heart before tearing it apart in a million pieces.”

“I'm so sorry, Liv” he says, taking my hand on his. “I… This is all my fault.”

“What?”

“I was the one who introduced you to Declan. The one who set you up, who encouraged you to see each other despite everyone saying it was a mistake. And now look at you” he sighs.

“They weren't right, James. They kept saying it was a mistake because of the team he plays for, not because he is a dick. They all actually said the same as you did, that he was one of the good ones, one you could trust. Little did they know about the real Declan…”

“The real Declan isn't like this, Liv.”

“Oh, c'mon” I say, rolling my eyes.

“He isn't. I've known him for years and he isn't a liar or the type of guy who fucks around and is with a different girl every night.”

“I guess he fooled you too, then.”

“No… I mean… No. This is not him. There must be an explanation for his behaviour.”

“Well, I don't care if there is one or not. I don't want to see him or hear about him ever again.”

“Liv…”

“I said no, James. So don't try anything to make me forgive him, because that isn't going to happen.”

“Ok…” he sighs.

“I'm being serious.”

“And so I am” he says. “I will respect your decision.”

“Thank you.”

“But I still am gonna find out what is going on with him.”

“And I still won't care.”

“Ok, ok… Message received” he chuckles. “Anyway, I brought you something that would hopefully make you feel better.”

“My weight on chocolate?”

“There is some chocolate, yes” he smiles. “But if you don't go downstairs, the kids will probably eat it all.”

“The kids are here?”

“Yes, with Kennedy and your mum. Leo misses aunty Liv.”

“Aww… I miss him too. And I could do with some of his cuddles right now, to be honest.”

“They are the best medicine” he smiles. “Why don't you do something with that crazy hair and come downstairs, uh? We will be waiting for you.”

“Ok” I smile back. “And Madders… James…”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“Anything for my little sister” he says, kissing my hand and leaving my room.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Well, that's it for today. Don't forget about our meeting next week to discuss the first visit of the national team this season.”

“The princesses are back” I hear Alex say, making some of our coworkers laugh.

“I heard that” my boss says. “Olivia, would you mind staying for a minute?” 

“Yes, of course” I reply. Did I do something wrong? Why is she asking me to stay? I've been on time every day since we came back from the holidays, I've stopped hitting the machine when it doesn't work, I've worn my uniform properly, I…

“Thank you for waiting, Olivia” she says once everyone has left, making me stop thinking about all the reasons why she would want to speak with me. “I've asked you to stay because I'm worried about you.”

“What?” That definitely wasn't one of the reasons that had crossed my mind.

“Since the season started you've looked so… sad. And everyone is worried about you, Olivia. Even your dad came to talk to me because he and your mum can't figure out what is going on with you.”

“He did?” That's new. I mean, yes, I haven't been feeling my best. That's the usual when you are heartbroken. But I didn't know it was so bad that my parents were actually worried about me. Shit.

“He did, Olivia. What is going on? We've known each other for a long time, you can trust me. I promise I won't tell anyone if you don't feel comfortable.”

“It's nothing.”

“Isn't it? Because I was told you also left your job at St. George's.” 

Oh, yes. That. Did I have to resign from an amazing job opportunity because the thought of having to be 24/7 around Declan made me want to puke? Yes, I did.

“Olivia… Liv” my boss says, taking my hand on hers. “What happened?”

“It's just… I… Men” I sigh, finally giving up.

“Oh… I see. Anything I can do?”

“Not that is legal.”

“Ok” she chuckles. “But is there anything else that is legal and that I can do for you?”

“Keep me busy. If I'm not thinking I'm not feeling sorry for myself.”

“I don't know if that's the healthiest thing to do, Olivia.”

“It is what works right now.” Don't cry in front of your boss, Liv. Don't you dare being that lame.

“Ok, fine. I'll see what I can do.”

“Thank you” I say. “May I go back to work now?”

“Yes, of course. But Olivia…”

“Yes?”

“Please promise me that you will take care of yourself. I've been heartbroken before and I know how it feels, but… It isn't the end of the world even if it feels like it.”

“I know.” Ha!

“Please take care.”

“I will, I promise” I say before leaving the room.

[shinyobjectreviews]

My experience with Disco Elysium, and why I won't play it

The short answer: I died from looking at a car.

Disco Elysium is famous for letting the player die in incredibly easy ways. Before playing I remember hearing about how you could sit in a chair that's so uncomfortable it deals one point of damage, and you could have a character build who only has one health point. That's funny. But I also remembered that story explaining how you had to fail a check to avoid sitting in the chair, then fail a check to ignore the damage, then die. My situation was not nearly as multi-staged.

After playing the game for two hours, I come upon a car, and the game tells me it's my car. I click some buttons to learn about it (as it's my first playthrough, I wanted to learn about the world). It tells me what the controls are, how I probably used to drive it, and then, after clicking on an option (I don't even remember what it said, but I think it implied starting the car), the game made a noise, and all the sudden I was given a dialogue choice of how I wanted to scream at everyone and quit the police force. I was confused, picked something, then the game took me back to the main menu. I had died. I reloaded my save and it was from an hour and a half ago.

I want to talk about why this removed all interest in me playing the game.

You just hated dying

Yes, dying sucked, and having to start over from earlier sucked. That always sucks in games!

You just needed to save your progress first

Yes, I hadn't saved the game in over an hour. How was I supposed to know I needed to? This is the first time the game gave me basically any consequences outside of how my face looked. I hate games that encourage save scumming, and I didn't even realize this was one. Am I really supposed to play like that? I really didn't want to, and just wanted to take the game at face value for my first play through.

You have to learn somehow

The game never warned me that this could happen. There was never a safe opportunity to learn about it.

It definitely told you there was a morale health bar

It did not tell me that if it was depleted, it would be an automatic game over. It also wasn't clear that I only had one point of morale. It just showed a bar. I assumed it was depleted slowly. I didn't realize it was one single chunk of health.

Didn't you have a healing item?

I did, but I couldn't use it because I got one-shot. Apparentyl, if you go down to one health normally, it'll warn you.

Why did you pick a build with only one morale?

I picked the pre-made build (since it was my first time) called "the thinker" because I wanted to learn about the game. Apparently the character based around thinking about things can't handle thinking about things.

But you should have known it would make you fragile

How was I supposed to know that out of the million stats, two of them have very specific, countable consequences. The stat that improves morale isn't even called morale.

Well, just keep playing with the character

Knowing that anything could kill me is way, way too stressful

Then pick a different build and start over

I haven't played enough to know what I need, and am scared of making the same mistake again. Plus, I succeeded on the check to fix my face, which is giving me some sunk cost.

This isn't a game where you can just click on everything

Oh sure, talking to people or doing some rigorous action I can see why I would need to be careful. But I was looking at a car. A car I knew. Why in the world did I have any reason to expect that to affect my mental state?

There were clues

There were not. The game up until this point had told me any time I was taking a risk, like with the dice rolls, or from my internal monologue warning me. It did no such thing here.

Are you going to let one bad experience stop you from playing a great game?

As you can hopefully tell, it wasn't the experience that annoyed me, it was the game telling me what it expected of me and what it was giving me. It was telling me that random things might happen that ruin your progress. It was telling me to be careful with everything. It was telling me to save every time something goes well. It was telling me not to trust it.

It was telling me the type of game it was, and it's not the type of game I think I'll enjoy. Or, at least, it's a different type of game than what I want to play right now. Maybe I'll get over it.

[nogenderbee]

hello!! If ur comfortable enough, can I request the pjsk boys with a fem reader who crossdresses as a male? ty <))

Hi hi! Yes of course! I don't know much about crossdressing beside description google gave me so I'm sorry if it's inaccurate! But if it isn't then I really hope you enjoy <3

(Also sorry that it turned out to be so short)

Akito, Toya, Tsukasa, Rui with fem!reader who dresses as a male

TagList: @vodka-glrl - come get your ginger tsundere~

@miya-akane - come get your ginger tsundere and calm coffee lover~

@alicewinterway18 - come get your future star!

@indi-has-fallen - come get your crazy inventor!

@bleachtheidiot - come get your boys~

⊱ Akito definitely met with crossdressing even tho he never tried that for himself

⊱ so when he sees that his lover is crossdressing, he has nothing against it

⊱ sure he may give you teasy comments like 'So are you a bot or a girl?' but he doesn't mean any harm and he puts so many sarcasm in his voice that it's hard to think he means it seriously

⊱ but if anyone else will even try to tease you about it, he'll be right there next to you to give them piece of his mind

"They said what to you?!! Don't worry I'll take care of it. What's their name again?"

⊱ as much as he supports you tho, he'll die faster than wear a dress

⊱ he mostly doesn't want to try it because he knows that many people and maybe even you (same lol) will make fun of him

⊱ he really doesn't care about what you wear as long as you feel happy and comfortable

⊱ at first Toya misunderstood your way of dressing as being transgender, so he called you male pronouns untill you explained it to him

⊱ and well... he feels guilty for assuming something like that just by the way you dress

⊱ if someone ever make similiar mistake, he'll try to explain to them as well as he can that you just wear male clothing but still are a female

"Excuse me but you're mistaken. She's a lady. She only wears clothes meant for male gender, that's all."

⊱ if you ever ask him if he's willing to try some of the female clothing, he'll say he's up for it but won't actually agree to wear them in public

⊱ that's how he discovers how dresses and skirts feel and let's just say he's not a fan of them...

⊱ so with that, he doesn't blame you for wearing clothes meant for opposite gender of yours

⊱ he's very supportive and would love to go on shoppings with you and look for some comfortable clothes for both of you

⊱ if you also have short haircut, Tsukasa could or could have not mistaken you for a male... not like Toya tho, he thought you were real man

⊱ but someone or maybe even you yourself explain to him that you're female who just crossdressers and he needs to just process it all first... so just give him a moment!

⊱ but then, he turns into your bigger supporter

⊱ he'll try to help you with choosing right clothes that will be comfortable and all, and do I even need to mention how much he talks when someone mistakes you for a male?

⊱ like he can literally go on for HOURS with explaining that you're still a female

⊱ he definitely landed in dress once or more thanks to you and he honestly didn't thought that bad of it!

"Huh.... That's actually great! Perfect for future star like me!! I'll go show off Saki, I just know she'll love it as well!" spoiler: she did

⊱ Rui was the one who maybe not immediately knew but had option of crossdressing on his mind

⊱ and when it turns out to be true, he's proud of himself for figuring it out and also is your big supporter!

⊱ someone even tries to make fun of you and he'll be there by your side to hopefully help you

⊱ although the situation is a bit different when someone mistakes you for a male, he'll simply calmly explain to them everything

⊱ he brought the topic of him crossdressing by himself since he probably always wanted to try it but was too afraid of public eye

⊱ and thanks to that, he discovers he feels pretty comfortable in 'female clothings' but never wears them in public....

"Oh my... it's really comfortable and pretty! I am definitely enjoying wearing these~ Although society may not be ready for that yet... so let's wait for a bit before showing off!"

❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉

[inupibaldspot]

Letters and Fights

Request by : @aliendoggo

Paring : Baji x Female Reader.

Synopsis: You kick Baji and then help him write a letter to make up for it

Baji has had enough! He huffed as he walked along a path which led him to a quiet place a bit out of school campus which had an area covered with bushes and trees. I'll write my letter here.

Chifuyu always helped Baji when he wrote his letters but yesterday the former ended up laughing at the way Baji made an error on his letter which was so not cool of him. Baji thought.

Now Baji was walking to this quiet area where he was sure not many people would come and interrupt him.

So he pulled out his pen placing a paper on top of a book and started writing.

Deer Kazutora,

Recently I have been studying queet a lot, I even brought glasses.

Mickey and Draken said people who wear glasses are more intilijent.

Baji was going to continue more when-. "Meow~" His ears perked at the tiny sound and he started looking around.From the corner of his eyes, he saw movement in the bushes so he started making his way.

A small kitten popped its head out and looked at him,meowing. Baji laughed to himself making him extend his hand and gently starts petting it. "Hey there."

The kitten leaned into his touching making Baji melt on the spot. Upon hearing the kitten still meowing, he smiled. "I'll bring you some food later- URK!"

Baji was sent flying. He cursed as he pulled himself up. That kick was probably as strong as Mikey's. He thought as spit out the blood he had formed in his mouth.

"You're the one who did that to Mayo aren't you?" The person started pointing at him.

"The hell?" Baji whispered in confusion as to why a girl popped out of blue,kicked him several feet away and now was shouting at him. Plus why is this girl so strong?!

"I can't believe people like you exist?! What did the Mayo even do to you?" The girl shook her head.

Baji snapped. "Who the hell are you and Who the hell is Mayo? I was just writing a letter when you suddenly came here and kicked the shit outta me!"

The person's expression flattered. "You're not the one... Ehh?" The person trailed her eyes to indeed see some stationaries lying around.

The girl suddenly did a deep bow. "I'm sorry! Recently someone has been harassing the kitten over there and even taped her mouth so that she couldn't eat." They explained. "I came up here and saw you near the kitten and thought it was you who did those."

"My name is Y/N and the kitten over there is Mayo..." You introduced yourself.

"My name is Baji Keisuke." Baji sighed, his anger dissipating. I mean... They were just looking after the cat.

"By the way I just peaked into your letter and..." You nervously played with your hand. "You have a lot of spelling errors over there."

"Wait really?" Baji approached you and picked up the letter as he leaned towards you. "Which part?"

You picked up the pen which was on the ground and pointed at the errors. "Here and here... this part too."

You suddenly beamed,clapping your hands together in realization. "How about I help you proof read your letter as a way of apologizing for the kick earlier?"

Baji beamed at the suggestion. "You will? Thanks!"

This meeting continued even after Baji finished writing his letter. Y/N said she'll always be there to help him with his studies so it became a sort of regular meeting between Y/N, Baji and Mayo.

When Baji would write his letters, you will be playing with Mayo but when you started proof reading Baji would be the one playing with Mayo instead. Baji enjoyed these moments a lot.

The way you would patiently explain where he made mistakes, the way you scrunched your nose figuring out his handwriting, the way you made baby voices when talking to Mayo. All of these made Baji feel happy? Relaxed? Content? He wondered what word could be used to describe what he was feeling.

Baji walked to their usual spot but instead of you,he saw a group of boy. There were six students and from their uniforms he could guess that they were High School Students.

A sharp cry of a cat was heard followed by laughters. On a closer look one of the boys had Mayo held whereas the poor kitten was obviously struggling. Your words on how Mayo had tape stuck on her mouth flashed into his brain.

"Damn,this cat won't stop struggling." One of the boys said. "Maybe we should tape it's limbs this time."

Suddenly a large impact was felt on his face making him drop the kitten. "What the hell?!"

"What were you doing with Mayo?!"

Baji went into crazy mode as he jumped on the boy and punching him until he passed out. The remaining boys also joins the fight.

Don't get me wrong. Baji is strong but right now he was heavily outnumbered and his opponents were high school students. They were physically bigger putting Baji in a disadvantage since Baji was only in middle school.

"Shit..." Baji huffed as his vision start to blur. He managed to beat two more of the high schooler but then three more still remained. One of him hit Baji hard making him fall onto the ground.

"You need some help?" Why the hell was he seeing you face? Just when Baji was about to pass out your face suddenly came into view.

"Go away, little girl~" The high school said in a mocking tone. Baji confirmed that you were indeed here and that he wasn't imagining anything.

"Guess you're the guys who were tormenting Mayo..."

"Mayo? Who the hell is Mayo-"

Before the boy could complete his sentence, you jumped at him,punching his face in. Before others could react you quickly turned to the other dude and kicked him,making him stumble.

The last high schooler ,taking advantage that your back was facing him was about to punch you when a suddenly blow was dealt. You turned to see a smirking Baji. "Y/N,are you a gorilla or something? Why are you so strong?"

You gasped at him. "Why would you ever call a girl gorilla?" You asked as you started punching a guy who was bout to stand up making Baji laugh loudly.

Both you and Baji huffed as you sat side by side after you finally beat the shit out of high schoolers. You turned to look at Baji. “Gonna write a letter to Kazutora-san again?”

Baji smirked and nodded. “I’m going to write everything that’s happening around so that when he comes back he wouldn’t need to try and catch up. It’ll be as if he never left in the first place!”

You smiled as you started rubbing you hand on Mayo’s head. “You’re a nice friend, Baji...”

After that both you and Baji did your usual thing.

Dear Kazutora,

I’ve made a new friend. Her name is Y/N.

And get this! She is super strong. Just now we beat the shit out of six HIGH SCHOOLERS.

I can’t wait to introduce her to you when you come back.

Y/N loves animals a lot too. Right now she is taking care of a stray cat but then she is sad since she can’t take the cat home because her mother doesn’t like them.

She is very fun to be with and smiles a lot!

Baji left a weight on his shoulder to see that you had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Mayo on your lap had fallen asleep too. Your lips were slightly open making you look adorable.

Right now she is totally passed out. Hopefully she doesn’t drool on my shoulder. Do you think she would get angry if I drew a beard on her?

Her mouth is slightly open and I think she looks cute.

Although she fights scary, Y/N is quite pretty. When ever she smiles, she closes her eyes making her look kinda adorable-

“Are you done, Baji?”

Baji flinched as he quickly stood up making you almost fall since your support stood up. “What the hell? Why did you get you so suddenly?!” You complained.

Baji quickly crumbled the paper he had written on and laughed nervously looking at you. “I did a self check and found too many errors. So I’m going to write it again.”

You noticed that his ears were rather red.

.....

“Hanaemiya Kazutora. A letter arrived for you...”

Dear Kazutora,

I made a new friend. Her name is Y/N.

She fights like a gorilla and looks like one as well. Living up to that nickname ,she is quite strong.

#GirlBoss

With love,

Baji Keisuke.

Kazutora tilted his head,confused as to why his friend had suddenly written about a girl and keeps calling her a gorilla.

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: Are you on your way here? Jac: I hadn't started to get ready yet Jac: got caught up doing some prep for our next lecture, haven't looked at the clock in a minute 🤯 whoops Savannah: well thank god, I was hoping to catch you before having to dramatically tell you to turn around, especially if you had happened to be half way to me Jac: Oh? Jac: What's going on in UH tonight? 😄 Savannah: Nothing, which is perhaps why we're the centre of attention Jac: 😬 Don't love the sound of that Jac: what's been said? Savannah: I'm not even sure because the way she was saying it gave me the most INTENSE Catholic school flashbacks Savannah: & I've overanalysed every syllable to the point that it's been twisted beyond recognition so I can't be trusted to reliably relay any of it Jac: Okay, pause Jac: who's being mean to you, and why on earth Jac: Is it that one girl in the next room along from you, because I did think she was someone's little sister so I can believe the immaturity Savannah: I think she was trying to be complimentary about us but I didn't take it like that, I can't, not after everything Jac: Baby Jac: just try to explain it best you can Jac: take your time, and I'll forgive any personal interjection Jac: because I care more about how it's made you feel, than how it was said or meant, really Savannah: she's made me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, exactly how I said I wouldn't, holding you back and being too much Jac: But you aren't at all Jac: what would she even know about it, she doesn't know either of us, even a little bit Savannah: maybe that unbiased outside perspective is what I needed to make me realise the mistakes I'm making Savannah: because it isn't just her, they're all talking about how you're ALWAYS here, how inseparable we are Jac: Do you feel like we're taking things too fast, being too much? Savannah: No Savannah: but I didn't last time either Jac: okay Jac: because you know you can tell me, if you are Jac: I mean, I don't know what to do with this information Jac: we don't judge them for their relationships Savannah: I was fine, but I'm scared now, obviously Jac: that we're like you and Tyler, or you and Milo Jac: or that we're repeating our past and it'll end badly again Savannah: that I can't have a relationship that isn't ridiculously co-dependent, except it's not even, because that implies that they were as extra as I was Savannah: & that I shouldn't have entered into this one if I haven't changed enough to avoid repeating things Jac: They balanced you out Jac: and I don't Savannah: they let me do whatever I wanted, that isn't what I want from you Jac: but if it's what we both want Jac: it's hard for me to think we should listen more to these girls, who are probably speaking at least from a bit of jealousy, than that Savannah: No, because it isn't what we both want, a healthy relationship is what we both want Jac: Yeah Jac: you're right, of course Jac: but, I don't like the implication that they know what works for us Jac: if we need to reevaluate, it can still be on our terms Jac: I bet lots of them have never had a serious relationship, or only the same level of unhealthy as we have before, they're not qualified Savannah: They don't know us or have any qualifications & I believe you're right about the jealousy factor but I am still willing to see & use this as the wake up call that I need to do better Jac: We can do that Jac: I trust you Jac: I'm not going to see this as you pulling away or something I've done Savannah: please don't, because it isn't Jac: It was my initial fear Jac: but you never leave me to worry Jac: and the fact that I immediately went there is just something I need to address too Savannah: you have reason to go there, it's okay Savannah: how I handled things back then is precisely what I'm trying to avoid Jac: I completely see that, I honestly do Jac: I'm sorry if I got defensive right there Savannah: & I can see that I've slightly overreacted now that I've slightly calmed down Jac: It made me feel the same Jac: like you said, the school flashbacks are no joke Savannah: I'm so sorry I told you not to come, I'd hate for you to think that's what I want, ever Jac: It's okay, we can take a night off Jac: but I'm also not gonna tell you you can't come to mine instead, once they've all gone back to their rooms or whatever Savannah: are you going to tell me what prep you were doing which I should've been instead of freaking out? Savannah: because I need to know Jac: Of course Jac: we haven't competed like that for a LONG time now Jac: it's not like we were asked but I asked [your fave prof bff 'cos lord knows I'm using the photos] on the way out last week if there was anything we could study up on ready for next term Savannah: once I've done everything he has suggested & fixed my 😢 face I'll come over Jac: My poor boo, I hate that they upset you so much Jac: also that we only have showers Jac: or I'd recommend a bubble bath as first order of business Savannah: honestly the lack of 🛀🏾🥂 upsets me more than anything Savannah: but in all seriousness, it wasn't even those girls at fault, I got myself worked up Jac: it is a travesty Jac: we need a place with an en-suite next year Jac: because the idea of sharing a bath with god knows who is no more appealing than NOT having one 😰 Jac: it's okay, I won't insist on being that stereotype and 'having a word' with them, they can live, for now Savannah: if checking into a hotel wouldn't be viewed as the ULTIMATE overreaction, I definitely would use the 💳 my dad insisted upon giving me Jac: I can only imagine the flashbacks that would give him 🙄 Jac: not worth the stress nor satisfaction Jac: though I was thinking we could do something, go somewhere, before the Christmas hols, as we will both be obligated to go all in with the family during Savannah: there would be SO MUCH satisfaction but I promise, I'll resist and be good, for now Savannah: no such promises of 👼🏾 for a family Christmas though, so I love that idea Jac: We can make that happen with just a shower, I promise you Jac: even if we just see a bit more of Edinburgh, get that hotel, I wanna treat you Jac: and no one can stop me spending as much time as we're able lavishing attention on you before we have to go back Jac: because it's going to be stressful, we both know that much already Savannah: if you're feeling left out because your entire dorm isn't talking about us, I can make that happen once we're 🚿 Savannah: you're the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world, but if that's something we're about to start competing over in place of academics, that's more than fine with me Jac: I might regret saying I can handle that but Jac: I don't Jac: 😳😳 Savannah: you won't have any, I promise Jac: I love you Savannah: I'm utterly in love with you Jac: I'll never get over hearing that Savannah: you don't have to because I love your 😳 too Jac: It's so different Jac: even though we used to say it like all the time Savannah: you know I meant it every time, it just had to be different Jac: and it is Jac: third time's a charm Jac: we'll make it work this time, no matter how much work that might be Jac: because it's so worth it Savannah: yes, it is and we will Jac: I'm gonna order all your faves when you get here Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: hopefully the lecture prep won't take me too long Jac: you can always read through mine Jac: it's not like it's cheating, just a better way to do a study sesh Savannah: if you're going to send it to me, absolutely, but if you're expecting me to concentrate on reading through it when I get there, I'm sorry but there's no way Jac: I'm not that 😈 Jac: at least not at the sake of your education Savannah: & thank goodness as my parents are both already doing the most to interfere with my education right now with their constant communication Jac: yet imagine your dad in particular if you did any less than perfect Jac: I don't know how he fails to see how counterproductive the constant checking in is Savannah: or the pressure that he's been putting on me to spend Christmas with him from literally November 1st, I swear Savannah: it hasn't slipped his mind that I had no choice but to do that for the last two, even if the unfairness to my mother is something he refuses to think about Jac: Yes, I was about to say Jac: he'll have to think about how he's going to timeshare more efficiently with your mum now, just because it was his way or nothing for two whole years Jac: clearly, that didn't work so well for anyone BUT him Savannah: he thinks he can dictate to me as if I'm no older than I was when he forced me to leave & as though nothing has changed since then Savannah: I'm not going to jeopardise my mum's recovery by not spending time with her in the holidays Jac: To even suggest, let alone expect that from you Jac: even if he's not thinking about your mother, why would he want that guilt for you Jac: at least he cannot literally force you onto a plane to Sligo instead of Dublin Jac: it's getting Sienna, that needs to be planned Savannah: I'm at my wits end with her, it's like she doesn't see the problem Savannah: of course I'd understand her reluctance to spend it with mum but it's all about him, every single of her reasonings, because they aren't even really hers Savannah: she just fully believes whatever dad says Jac: 😕 That's hard Jac: because it automatically puts you in the bad guy camp Jac: because obviously it's nicer to believe that he only wants what's best etc Jac: but when she realizes that's not totally true, that'll be shattering Savannah: she's going to get hurt by him again, as if I wasn't there when he walked out teaching her to question everything that comes out of a man's mouth, that man in particular Savannah: I hate it Jac: I know 😞 Jac: all you're trying to do is protect her Jac: is she interested at coming like, at all? Jac: even if not the actual day of Savannah: It's not like I want her to spend her time and energy until her leavers cert hating him as much as I do, I know it'll be different for her now that I'm gone Savannah: but we get nowhere whenever I try to talk to her about mum, irrespective of the actual subject Savannah: I'm not giving up, of course, but I won't pretend to you that it isn't exhausting Jac: Of course you don't, you'd never tell her what to think Jac: but if you can see things differently, or remember how it was last time, it doesn't make you a bad sister, it's the opposite Jac: you never do ❤ Jac: I was just wondering, though this would be a bit morally dubious Jac: if we could trick her into spending some time with your mum Jac: I could make my sister invite her to something legit, like a family party Jac: your dad MIGHT say yes? I don't know Savannah: at this point I'm so close to walking away from everyone for the sake of my own mental health to spend the holidays alone & obviously that's not a real option I have available to me so I'm more than ready to do it & take the bad karma if it backfires Jac: I understand, last Christmas, I would've given anything to do just that Jac: I think it could work, your dad being the only potential block Jac: we could go for the second half, do New Years with her, maybe Savannah: 😞 I'm going to make sure you have the best Christmas this year, baby, whether or not this works Jac: I've got you, that's all I need for it to be perfect Jac: and we will work this out Jac: but as you said, it isn't even time yet, so you don't have to figure it all out tonight Jac: but when we do, you will have a peaceful and joyful Christmas, if it's the last thing I do Savannah: You're perfect & you're getting my undivided attention tonight, I truly do not care what opinion any or every American girl in this town has or decides to share Jac: A no-phone policy does not even need to be implemented when you're so beautiful Jac: it'd practically be a sin to not use every sense on you Jac: but seriously, whilst they may have a point, we're also further along than they might assume Jac: like I said, if they've never had a proper relationship, they're used to not getting texts back and having to be cool about it 🤷 Jac: we don't have to tone ourselves down or lessen what we have, if it doesn't serve us to do so, only in the ways it might Savannah: I will implement one though, some kind of a genuine family emergency happening again notwithstanding Savannah: I learnt a LOT about sin in Catholic school & you're totally right Savannah: you're the only person who I'd tone anything down for & since you haven't asked me, I really don't think it's necessary Jac: I appreciate it, a lot, you know that, right? Jac: the cliche isn't totally baseless then Jac: you can tell me all about it but we better keep that on the down-low 🤫 Savannah: okay, you don't want that specific dialogue broadcast to your entire dorm, just our mutual appreciation Savannah: I can do that Jac: I can only imagine how enthusiastic the boys would be Jac: and I only care about your enthusiasm Savannah: ugh, true Savannah: I forget too easily that we're not totally on our own once the door is closed, which I'm sure is what lead to that conversation taking place earlier Jac: We aren't the only ones who do that Jac: I swear to God I've heard at least four different girls going next door 🙄 Savannah: 🙄 not to mention I'm still getting woken up by a certain person we don't like just being loud while she undergoes her morning routine, which has literally been happening since I first moved in Jac: I can't deal with how loud she is Jac: the accent makes it so grating Jac: is she trying to be an influencer? make friends? either or 😬 honey no Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm going to have to start going to bed earlier to compensate once lectures start Jac: She a THOUSAND percent has booked herself all afternoon/evening lectures and won't get why everyone is making such a big deal ??? Jac: so that girl Jac: I do my best work in the AM, that's just facts, not all of us plan to party through the entire experience, come on Savannah: So do I, as you know, so if she doesn't take the numerous hints once they are coming from more than just me, I'll have to move in with you & be that girl Savannah: which would entirely negate all the rational points I made earlier Jac: God, there needs to be a way to complain about her without it being dead obvious Jac: an amnesty box of sorts Jac: I'm still looking for doubles but no one is moving yet Savannah: If I have to befriend her to initiate the behaviour change that way, I guess I'll get used to the accent Savannah: you've said my 🥺 is like a superpower Jac: it would be very on-brand Jac: basically work experience for us Jac: and they are but she might fall for you and then she'd be around even more Savannah: oh no, imagine how vocal she would be if she did Savannah: it would be beyond difficult to cope with Jac: I would not cope Jac: at all Jac: so I shan't imagine it Savannah: 😄 Jac: 😥 Savannah: Baby, don't 😥 Jac: I'll have to go back to being a TOTAL bitch from hell if she dares Savannah: 🥺 no Savannah: you're an angel Savannah: & she isn't worth your time or energy, I am Jac: You Jac: x2 Jac: I don't care about anyone else here Jac: in the nicest way possible, of course Savannah: except [whatever your professor bff's name is] that's evident in the notes you've sent me Jac: Okay, he's pretty cool Jac: and definitely gonna help us get perfect marks Savannah: you definitely don't need his help Savannah: I'd almost forgotten just how intelligent you are Jac: I'll try not to be offended Jac: even though I was still totally convinced you'd be going to Bath before I saw you Savannah: I mean, actually, not in a romanticised way because of how much I was in awe of you Savannah: & I did go there, before I made up my mind which offer to accept & it didn't feel right Jac: I'm only teasing, I know that Jac: 🌌💫 Savannah: we were supposed to be here together, like we always talked about Savannah: I shouldn't have ever tried to fight that Jac: I couldn't even bring myself to check your socials before Jac: I don't know what I didn't want to see more, you know Jac: confirmation either way was just, no Savannah: I understand Jac: If I'd have seen gap year plans with Milo, that would not have been it Savannah: most of the time that we were intending to plan was spent arguing anyway, I'm not sure he really wanted to go at any stage of it Savannah: with me, I mean Jac: You weren't right for each other Jac: he's lost a lot more from that deal than you have Savannah: He'll be having a lovely time in hostels, undoubtedly Savannah: it won't be a culture shock at all Jac: Checks out Jac: authentic experience Jac: inserting himself with all the other foreigners Savannah: 🙄 Savannah: if I thought he had a posh accent, lord knows what they'll think Jac: he'll be stimulating the economy, they'll pretend he's not unbearable Savannah: at least he'll be stimulating something, I suppose Jac: 😂 Jac: you said it, not me Savannah: it speaks to my experience Jac: how anyone has the nerve to 🥱 you when you're so interesting is so offensive to me Savannah: it's not his fault that nobody else could ever be as interesting to me as you are, but he is responsible for the effort, or lack of that he put in Jac: no, it'd take someone really special to fight the 🌌💫 and it's plans for us Jac: and I can imply he wasn't that person, without being petty about it Savannah: it's honesty, he wasn't that person & he'd be the first to say so Jac: you're already happier, aren't you? Jac: on this path, this direction Savannah: yes, the happiest Jac: 😊🥰 Savannah: excuse me while I have one of those moments where I can't believe any of this is really happening & fully expect to wake up in Sligo for the summer to the realisation it was the most incredible dream Jac: It's actually such a fear Jac: I never want to go to sleep when I'm with you Jac: for that reason, and the obvious being I can't look at you with my eyes closed Savannah: but if you don't your subconscious can't talk to me & you know how much I love that Jac: so far Jac: what if I say something totally stupid and betray myself 😱 Savannah: you could never say anything stupid & I know you aren't going to betray yourself or me Jac: You trust me, I trust you Savannah: exactly Jac: if I ever say anything really cringe, you can just not tell me, yeah 😅 Savannah: 😄 like what? Jac: anything our favourite American might say, for example Savannah: she isn't actually going to attempt to flirt with me, boo Jac: I know, she's the definition of straight Jac: bless her Savannah: ^^ she's the only person I would apply the word definition to, literally anyone else has the ability to change & grow but she's CLEARLY set in her loud ways Jac: ^ That's totally the vibe Jac: she made her mind up aged 10 she was right and hasn't moved an inch since, whatever the subject Savannah: you're so right Savannah: What were you like when you were 10? Jac: Oh God Jac: let me think Jac: so, fourth class, absolutely LIVID over the fact we had 2 more years of first school after that Jac: thought I was way too grown-up for EVERYTHING Jac: there was probably some boyband I was into but if there was, I don't remember but Isabelle probably still has the merch and posters on her wall Jac: hopefully I was less insufferable when we properly met those years later Jac: how about you? Savannah: I can totally relate, except of course I thought I was too grown up for boybands too Jac: Totally Jac: it was like a secret shame but she had none, Amelia neither Jac: so I kinda had to go with it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I had a very overprotective father who wouldn't have let me go to those concerts even if I had wanted to so Jac: it made sense to be anti then Jac: it was a lot of screaming and pre-teen hormones, it might've felt like it at the time, but you didn't miss out on a whole lot Savannah: if there'd been a girl band of that era I'd have been much more likely to have supported them, as a fierce little feminist Jac: Adorable Jac: you were cute, I remember that much Savannah: you've always been cute, I've seen the photos Jac: at least my hair had grown back in a decent amount by then Jac: I was so jealous of yours Savannah: really? I didn't even know how to properly style it back then Savannah: but I still insisted, obviously, instead of letting my mum help me Jac: I liked that Jac: you didn't just let your mum braid it and put a bow in Jac: I have to assume that was my logic when I cut mine Jac: independence, making my own choice Savannah: I thought I could do ANYTHING, it's embarrassing how big my aspirations were Savannah: & that there was no limit on the choices I had, there was total belief in that too Jac: it's nice Jac: I wish we stayed like that Savannah: imagine my 🥺 when I discovered inequality & where I was supposed to fit into it as a black girl, except don't because I was utterly devastated Savannah: we still have big dreams though & more choices than 10 year old me did Jac: I don't wanna cry Jac: you're still going to get everything you want Jac: and you've had to work twice as hard for it, no one can take that away from you Savannah: no 😢 we're both going to have a beautiful life Jac: ✨🌼🌷❤☀️❤🌹🌻✨ Savannah: I'll help you & you'll help me Savannah: now that I'm more willing to accept it than I was as a child Jac: and your hair is undeniably flawless Jac: we can do anything Savannah: Oh my god, it's my turn to be jealous of yours & I always am Jac: the fact you can be jealous of anyone blows my mind Jac: you are perfection Jac: but you can play with my hair all you want now Savannah: but not literally right now 🥺 Jac: life is so unfair Jac: I'm so proud of you though, working so hard Savannah: well I'm even prouder of you, these notes are flawless Jac: I've got my uses, yeah Savannah: [a picture of her own aesthetic af notes so far because we are both those bitches] Jac: [truly, could rinse the studyblr tag with these two] Jac: 😍😍😍 you've picked such pretty colours Savannah: [I have saved some cute psychology ones off pinterest for when they start their studies] Savannah: they do match my outfit but if I start sending pictures of myself I'll never finish Jac: if you start sending pictures of yourself, I'll find it harder to be supportive of your studies Savannah: I miss you too Jac: as long as we're in that together too Jac: I'll survive Jac: my room does need tidying before you get here Savannah: you're adorable, you don't have to tidy up for me Jac: for my notes to look perfect, my room has to get a little messy Jac: oh, and my hair, probably Savannah: I can fix your hair for you after we 🚿 Jac: as long as you don't think I look terrible when you show and run straight back Savannah: I've been 😢 so I don't have any room to judge but even if I did, you could never look terrible & there is no conceivable reason that I'd ever run away from you Savannah: but if you need to shown all of that when I get there, it's okay, I'm happy to Jac: I'm so needy, I'm sorry Savannah: you're allowed to want me & not be sorry Savannah: I definitely don't see it as a negative Jac: Good Jac: I haven't done this before Jac: I don't ever wanna be too much Savannah: well, you aren't doing it alone & I trust us more than the opinion of a random American girl I'm currently stuck living with Savannah: any amount of reassurance you need for any reason, it's fine, I promise Jac: 😌 I'm cool Jac: but thank you Jac: there's no one else I would want to or could do this with Savannah: there's no need to thank me, I'll do anything to make sure you feel happy & secure Jac: and I intend to return the favour, always Jac: in every way available to me Savannah: 😊 I know, I meant what I said earlier, you're very good at this, first time girlfriend or not Jac: I've got to be a worthy competitor and you're 👼🏾 Savannah: Catholic school taught me a lot about 👼🏾 too Jac: I'm so relieved they still had to give you an actual education as well Jac: I can only imagine how hard Science could've fallen by the wayside Savannah: still, I will not be enrolling my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 when they're old enough Jac: at least you don't have to make that decision for a while yet Savannah: which is just as well because my immediate response was 'thank god', how blasphemous Savannah: 🙏🏾 hasn't guided this decision but there is a LOT of  🙌🏾 involved Jac: he'd approve if that was the only precaution you took, like Savannah: his approval would have to eclipse my actual father's disapproval, which is BEYOND unlikely Jac: 🙏🏾 is less vocal Jac: it's more signs than 🔊 Savannah: I think that's ⛪️ dependent, some 🙏🏾🙌🏾 is very vocal Jac: actual GOD himself though Savannah: hmm, well he is a man Savannah: it makes communication more challenging Jac: I'm sure little Savannah would've said herself Savannah: child me would've believed that god is a woman, another dream shattered for sure Jac: a woman wouldn't have done so poorly Jac: it's a compliment, really Savannah: exactly, with the zero communication, it'd be like excuse me honey, why are you so angry at me that you've blocked me? Jac: that kind of drama is reserved for me Savannah: not even, I know what I did to you Jac: you didn't do anything to me, not on purpose, I always knew that Savannah: it wasn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it's okay Savannah: I hurt you anyway Jac: We were both hurt and hurting Jac: it was a lot Savannah: yes, but it's important that you don't make excuses for me simply because of how much you want to forgive me Jac: I won't Jac: I can just recognize my role in everything too Jac: as well as the other factors that neither of us could control Savannah: ^^ we're not going to get hung up on it to the extent that it ruins everything, but we can & will acknowledge it all so that doesn't either Savannah: I do love a balancing act 😄🙄 Jac: You do it flawlessly Jac: but we don't have to examine our past and our current behaviour constantly Jac: night's off are self-care Jac: tonight can be one of them, we'll just be Savannah: okay Savannah: I don't know why it feels like I haven't seen you in a really long time, I swear I didn't fully disassociate during my freak out earlier Jac: I feel it too Jac: judge away, everyone Jac: we're making up for lost time Savannah: they'd understand if I actually let them spend time with you instead of stealing you away on sight Jac: I can't pretend to be devastated Jac: you're the most interesting to me Savannah: I can't pretend I regret it either Jac: 🥰 Jac: we have plenty of time to socialize Jac: and we do, with people who are relevant, like people on our course and the psych society Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: It's not my fault she isn't looking over my shoulder when I'm super active in both of those group chats Savannah: I was literally setting up a study group before she cornered me, excuse her Jac: 🙄🙄🙄 I don't care for her at all, even if she's brought a potential problem to our attention before it was Jac: like thanks but still, bye though Jac: maybe the rest of her art history course does NOT love her either 😬 like if YOU'RE lonely, just say Savannah: mhmm Savannah: if anybody understands loneliness, we do Jac: right, if the ego was taken out of it, we'd try to spend time with her, and loads of other people in your dorm etc would too Jac: she's not helping herself rn Savannah: I also totally understand overconfidence as a front for insecurity, like hello??! She could have an ally in me if she'd approach things differently Jac: 🤞 she gets there before the year is out Jac: I don't want anyone struggling, seriously Jac: but I know forcing friendships when they aren't happening naturally isn't healthy Jac: never mind accepting people's toxic behaviour when we're actively trying not to do or be that Savannah: I couldn't agree more Savannah: though, despite what I said before about her not flirting with me, there is a very high possibility she'll fall in love with you if you keep being so perfect Savannah: everyone will Savannah: it's not as if she has to like girls to appreciate your intelligence, empathy or compassion, even if understanding your resilience & determination is clearly a harder task for her right now Savannah: a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul Jac: 🥺 Jac: Baby Jac: beautiful recognizes beautiful, that's all I have to say Jac: you make me feel so much better than I've ever thought I am Savannah: I can't say if I achieve nothing else while I'm here I'll be satisfied, because you know me better than that, but I am proud to be able to list that as an ongoing one because I've never met a better person than you Savannah: you deserve to feel it Savannah: & if you are what you love, what a good person you are shamelessly works in my favour too Jac: you're the most incredible person I've ever known Jac: it just sounds like a baseless compliment, there's no way to adequately put it, at least not without some serious time and work to try Savannah: not from you, there's no such thing Jac: I'm not the one that can write songs, sadly Savannah: but you could write a song I'd like more Jac: 😅 Savannah: I know he's your brother but no Jac: Don't worry, not a weird clause that to date me you have to think his music is amazing Jac: I'd actually hate that, to be honest Savannah: I'm beyond relieved Jac: I'm relieved no one here knows who he is, or who I am in relation Jac: that was getting annoying, towards the end Savannah: poor boo, I can't even imagine Jac: oh well Jac: this fresh start is going better than I could have even dreamed on my craziest day Savannah: me too & you're really keeping me sane Jac: God knows we've got to get through this experience and THRIVE Savannah: ^^ 👏🏾 Savannah: We will, failure to do so is literally not an option Jac: Exactly Jac: I refuse Jac: to let either of us Savannah: speaking of, these notes are done Savannah: so I'll be there soon Jac: I'll come out with the blasphemy too Jac: because I need to see you so bad now Savannah: It's mutual Jac: Hurry Jac: but don't forget your coat, it's cold Savannah: 🥰 I totally would have for the same reason I don't think either of us can be held responsible for what we're about to say, so thank you Jac: I can't let you freeze Jac: even though warming you up is beyond a welcome responsibility Savannah: & I can't lie, my coat is more fashionable than practical, I'll still need you Jac: You've got me Jac: shower, tea and all the bed cuddles you could want Savannah: you're going to make me cry again Jac: sweetie Jac: you can cry but wait 'til you're inside and with me so we don't have to thaw out the icicle teardrops Savannah: [a picture of her with that glitter tears filter than samantha loves so much because sadly I don't actually have one] Jac: Wow Jac: that's my girlfriend Savannah: I can't get over hearing that from you Jac: I can't get over saying it Jac: even just to myself Savannah: It sounds so different when a boy says it Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I don't even know how to explain it, it's like it stripped me of something instead of giving me something Savannah: it felt like, oh, I'm just your girlfriend now, okay Jac: like a kind of diminishment of who you are Jac: not the pride to be with you and know you and love you Jac: I see that Jac: I was never anyone's girlfriend, but that's the feeling I got from them Jac: a title for THEM not YOU Savannah: of course you understand, you always do Jac: not that I was bothered what they thought Jac: but it would have been upsetting if I was, definitely Savannah: I hate that Jac: it's okay, that's all over Savannah: I'm going to make you so happy Jac: I know you will

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

04 - Learning To Receive

These chapters songs:

Moonlight On The River; Mac Demarco

Nostalgic Feel; Bedroom

New Flesh; Current Joys

——

TW: Self-harm, death.

(Not done by you, don't worry)

——

- K.S. Perspective

      Only two or three days had passed since high school had started, which meant only a couple more walks home with Y/n. They were shorter and quiet, and of course, there weren't any swerving cars.

But so far, what I had suspected was correct. She and I made amends and became buddies, thankfully.

      The only times she was left alone were when I had morning practice, and she had to have one of her friends drive her home. Either that or she would have to walk home alone. I would've loved to accompany her, but volleyball was something I didn't take lightly, and my priorities were important to me.

      Both I and my younger brother participated in volleyball and gave it our all ever since we were able to balance on our feet. Sadly, our parents were far too busy to go to any games, or even help us practice at home. But their goal was for their kids to grow up strong and steady with good grades and good stats, so that's why they made sure my younger brother and I were on top of our shit.

      Once my first year ended, I didn't expect that I would have to carry so many burdens all in one year. That's around the time mother had died from sickness, which left me with doubts, wishes, and an unaccomplished relationship with her.

      After the sudden death, our family didn't move on very well. My brother developed anxiety and depression, and he eventually had to take a break from school and volleyball. Then, my father became dull and increased his hours at work to avoid coming home to such a depressing home, leaving my brother and me to continue caring for ourselves, by ourselves.

      I, on the other hand, had barely anything to say about it. All I could do was pose as if I were handling it better than I had. Truth is, my mother's death changed my entire persona. I grew grim and gummy, deprived myself of rest, and repressed the trauma I've received. Not only did I overwork myself because of volleyball and stress, but I also grieved in harmful ways. It'd either be a blade to the wrist, or a night with a girl; anything that could help distract me from my state of deep dejection.

      It's been that way ever since. Only recently have I realized that I'm ruining whatever recovery I built up. That was all because of my best friend— Daichi— who had helped me come out about my feelings towards my mom's passing. Ever since, I've been able to learn from my mistakes, and slowly pick my life back up. I was beginning to become a better player for my team, better support for my family, and a better person for myself.

      That only happened recently. So now, I'm left with lots of things to mend, and relationships to make. I'm determined that I'll mourn more healthily than before.

——

      "Y/n!" A hopeful call leaves my lips, turning her head. As assumed, it was Y/n. Today she looked even brighter than before; she just has gotten more sleep. Not to mention she wore long socks instead of leggings, which must have been pretty hard in this weather.

      I didn't get to see her this morning due to morning practice, but I did catch her before lunch. Just enough time to tell her I won't be riding the bus tonight either.

      I look both ways of the cross hallway, before grabbing my book bag strap with both hands and jogging towards Y/n. I wasn't sure why I was so eager to see her, but all I knew was I needed a refreshing moment, and she could give me exactly that.

      "Why hello, Mrs. Refreshing!" I joke, bowing my head towards her while she giggled. Looking up, she stands there, shining by the sunlight that reflected on the windows.

      'If I could, I'd take a photo of you right here, just to show you how gorgeous you are.' I quickly put a halter on my thoughts, snapping back to a respectful filter. 'No, I can't do that. Not to myself, most definitely not to Y/n.'

      "You look nice today!" I exclaim, awkwardly patting the side of my hips while smiling at her. Hopefully, I hadn't made her uncomfortable in the first ten seconds of talking to her. The last thing I wanted was to ruin yet another relationship with a girl.

      Thankfully, Y/n responded with kind appreciation to my comment. "Why thank you, sir. And what brings you in my presence?" Her words curl in a formal British accent, adding onto our joke.

      Standing normally, I explain, "Oh, nothing. I just wanted to say hi, and to tell you I might not be walking home with you today. I'm really sorry,  practice has been very necessary for our team. I-I hope you understand." I stutter on the last part, with a gentle tone to add on. Ditching Y/n for most of the week wasn't what I had planned at first, but what I had told her was 100% true. The first years, as well as the rest of us, we're in bad shape. With our spring tournament coming up, we had no time to waste.

      "Oh, that's alright. I understand. I was in volleyball too, after all. Although, I do wish you could still accompany me. It gets a little lonely.." She looks down for a minute while I contemplate my existence entirely. 'So it does bother her.' But she quickly caught onto my thoughts by my expression and came up with a solution. "If— if you'd like, I can simply stay near the gym until practice is over! That way I can see you and your boys in action, yeah?"

      Her fists pop up into the air, as a bright smile appeared on her face. If you didn't know Y/n personally, you would expect them to be cold stone and dull. But in reality, I find they're like everybody else, and have a bright side to them, just like the one that was being portrayed right now.

      Nodding with her statement, I reply hesitantly. "Hm, I'd have to ask the captain, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind—"

      "Oh, Daichi? We're buddies, he'll be alright." I'm dazed by what she'd said, pausing the motion of rubbing my neck. She and Daichi hang in completely different groups, though! 'How is it they know each other? They hang around two very different friend groups.. that is unless they have some type of history I'm unaware about.' I think to myself, trying my best to find a reason they would be friends, but I couldn't. And so, I begin my questioning. "You two know each other?"

      Suddenly, Y/ns gaze twists. "Suga, you introduced me to them during our first year, silly. Remember? I went with you from practice once. And besides that, my good friend Miya is close to him."

      "Oh, yeah! I remember that. That means you only know Asahi, Daichi, and Kiyoko, right? I've gotta introduce you to the rest of the team! I'm sure they've missed you!" I chuckle, throwing an arm around her shoulders cautiously, expecting her to reject it. But she goes on casually with our discussion.

      "That's right.. well... I'm also— sort of— friends with them. Well, except Asahi. But Kiyoko and I are pretty close."

      '?' I tilt my head at the uncertain tone she spoke with. "Pretty close?" I ask, turning into the cafeteria with my arm still around her. The room is, of course, crowded as hell.

      Still, I manage to draw out what Y/n was saying to me, leaning my ear close to her mouth for better audio. "Yes! She's one of my best friends.. we used to date and it didn't work out, but we're pretty tight!"

      'DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT?!' My eyes widen, and I immediately let go of her, tightening my hands around the strap of my school bag. A gulp falls down my throat before I ask, "Did you say.. date?! You mean you two went out?!"

      To my surprise, Y/n nods proudly. "Yes! Why, did you not think she'd go out with a girl? Or is it so astonishing that I could ever get a girl like her?" She teases, while I'm still puzzled. So many questions ran through my head at the sudden fact: was Kiyoko gay? Was Y/n gay?! Does that mean she's gotten closer to Kiyoko than anyone before??

      "Suga, calm down. It's not like we're still together. As I said, it didn't work out!" She smirks towards me, putting a finger up towards her cheek. "Why? You got a little crush on her..? I wouldn't blame you."

      "N-no! It's not like that! It's just— she never told any of us. I guess she just keeps to herself more than predicted." My sentence comes out to sound like a question, rather than a response. It wasn't that I didn't support it, or that I was surprised Kiyoko would be her girlfriend. Honestly, I was just a little jealous of both of them.

      Either way, it seemed it didn't work out. So it didn't matter now. "Anyway, we're about best friends now, so I'm pretty familiar with your team. I don't think they would mind if I came, but just in case, I'll ask Daichi and Kiyoko." She explains, before looking back towards the slowly dying crowd of students in front of the cafeteria. "I better go soon, Suga. I'll let your captain know I'll be heading over there later—"

      "Wait!" I shut my eyes out of nervousness, as my brain wires work to come up with an excuse for why I yelled that. "You used to play volleyball, right?"

      An awkward nod from Y/n is given to me, followed by, "Yes, but I was sort of just a bench warmer. Nothing big." The hands that held her lunch box gripped tighter, as she suspected I would ask her a favor much larger than a lunch.

      "Mind helping me teach one of our new members how to receive?" I say. "His name is Hinata, and he's a first year. He has great talent and has great potential, but he kind of... sucks at volleyball. I mean, from what I've heard, he practices a lot. But I just think he needs some guidance. So, want to?"

      "Uhm... I'm pretty rusty.. but sure! It wouldn't hurt, right? Besides, I think I need a break from my friends wouldn't do any harm."

      'Yes, I did it.' I thought to myself, before leading her towards the doors that led to the gym. "Alright then, right this way!"

      "Suga! Don't you need your bag?" She immediately asks, tugging on my collared shirt. But I shake my head, responding with a light smile.

      "It's already outside, I just came to check on you, is all."

——

      Up, down, and up again went the ball. Each receive that Hinata had tried had failed every time. At this point, I wouldn't blame Y/n if she wanted to leave. But there she sits against the concrete wall of the outside of the gym, licking white rice off a spoon.

      "Hinata, drop your hips down more," I say to him, demonstrating the position I had stated. "Hit the ball like you're trying to return it where it came from. Got it?"

      Hinata's light expression appears on his face once again. "Yeah, got it!" He exclaims, before getting right into position. I signal the ball is going in the air before my palm hits it in the right spot, sending it towards him.

      And it shoots right back, along with a slap against Hinata's wrists. "Nice!" He praises himself, leaving a feeling of proudness deep within me.

      I'd never been able to teach somebody one of my special skills and having them accomplish it, not the way I did with Hinata. But that was mostly because he was driven by his entire body and soul to memorize every movement in his muscles to create a perfect receive. And who had taught him that? Your one and only.

      "Would you like me to start setting for you tomorrow morning?" I ask the ginger with confidence he'd reply with a yes. Thankfully, that's exactly what happened. His eyes light up in the sun, and his hands take full hold of the ball. "Y-you mean it, sir?!"

      The cold wind hits me, as well as another dosage of serotonin from the first year."Well, I am Karasuno's official setter after all! And you wanna practice spikes, right?" I ask, placing my red hands onto my hips.

      "Exactly! I love to spike! It feels so good when you get it right, and it's cooler than anything!" He shouts. I couldn't help but laugh at his excitement, even if it wasn't the first time he'd portrayed it. Hinata sure reminded me of my past self, and I'd do anything to help first-year Sugawara.

      Y/n suddenly joins our conversation, digging into a reason why Hinata is the way he is when it comes to spikes. "You must have a thing for spiking, don't you?"

      Hinata nods, putting a fist towards his face. "Yes. I didn't have a setter throughout middle school, and I was actually the only club member until my third year of junior high. I used to get my friend in the Basketball Club to toss for me, but after I had dropped out of the club, I went to anybody that could help me practice. Take the first years, and the ladies and setters from the girls' team, too. I've made a lot of friends along the way, but none of those people could ever become my real teammates. That's why I was dying to find out what kind of setters were in high school— but now.. you know."

      Hinatas pure passion dies down once he reaches the word 'setter', and I wouldn't blame him. The person he's supposed to be paired with is his complete opposite, and frankly, a dick-head. "Well, as I said, I'm a setter too. I'll toss you a few, Hinata! Don't get all down."

      I was expecting further satisfaction, but instead, his expression twists into envy. "But it's just that if I have you throw to me now, it kind of feels like... I'm losing." He frowns, looking away from my figure in anger.

      "You're just like someone I know, Hinata!   Always competitive." Y/n says, placing her small bento to the side, and lifting herself from the shaded spot she sat in. Her hands dust off her navy blue skirt, and her blazer comes off. "Why're you so competitive when it comes to Kageyama?"

      "If you ask me, it's better to avoid making enemies with those kinds of people." I join in.

      She wraps her hands around Hinatas shoulders, leaning over his shoulder. "You know, Hinata, you're not as bad as you make yourself out to be. Wanna know a secret about Kageyama?"Without hesitation, Hinata is fully interested in what Y/n had to say. Frankly, so was I.

      "Whatever you see from Kageyama is something he's learned from other players. He wasn't always so snobby; he used to be calmer and kinder. But once he was shown what he could do with his talent, it went to his head. Don't let that become you, Hinata! You have so much potential it's insane! I've never met anybody with as much love for volleyball as you." She pulls up her sleeves, getting into position for a receive, signifying I could rest now. "

      "How do you know what he used to be like, Y/n?" Hinata asks her, sending the ball into the air. My eyes follow it, but my ears listen intently to their conversation.

     "Well, I went to the same middle school as him. When he was a first-year, I was a third. Me and my friend we're on the girls' team, while my other three friends were on the boys' team. The four of us practiced every second of the day, which meant the two teams spent a lot of time together. Everything Kageyama knows is from another player; don't think he's just magically good at volleyball. Anyway, I don't know much about Kageyama, but I do know that he's changed dramatically." She explained. Just then, the bell for our sixth period had rung, and doors were heard opening and closing, as well as students fluttering around hallways.

       The three of us pause our mini practice and gather out things where they were settled. Thoughts ran through my head as I put my school blazer back onto my torso. If Y/n went to the same middle school as Kageyama, that must mean she knows a lot about Aoba Johsai: one of our greatest enemies in volleyball. And if she knows him, could she be familiar with his playstyle? In that case, having her around would not harm the team.

      "Sugawara, I'm off." She's heard saying from behind me, while she put her school bag over her shoulders. "Thank you for having me here with you and Hinata, I'm glad I could be of help."

      I nod in response, nervously breathing through the teeth."Yes, of course. Uhm— would you like me to pick you up from your classroom later on? Either that, or you could walk to the gym after band practice." I ask the young girl, longing for more time to hang about her.

      Then, she began walking backward, meanwhile talking. "I think I'll be just fine, Sugawara. No need to worry about me all the time. I've managed without you the past couple of days haven't I?" Her h/c danced with the wind as she did so, and the corners of her lips rose as she said so.

      "That's right.. I'll catch you later then!" I manage to shout out, raising a hand for a gentle wave, but it was too late. Y/n was already turning into the doors of the school, returning the gesture.

      Somehow, she always found a way to make the chains around my heart tighten a bit more. What was it that drew me towards Y/n? Hell, if I knew. "Wow, Sugawara. You've got yourself a pretty friend! She seems nice, too." Hinata expresses, looking agar with me. "Is she your girlfriend, or something?"

      "No, Hinata. Just an old friend. Someone who may know me better than anybody, you know." Y/n; The girl who knew her way around my heart.

—

Hey everybody, sorry I've been M.I.A for a while. Don't worry, I'm not giving up on my ff!!! I would never do that. This fan fiction is super duper important.

Please note my chapters!! It lets me know you guys enjoy them.

Make sure to be taking care of yourself: drink water, go outside, eat something, and heal yourself after hard work:) It's currently mental awareness month, and it's very important to be taking time for yourself.

love you guys

- Sugawara's beauty mark

[marias-studyblr]

Hey Maria. I have a college level class (im in high school) and the teacher is failing the whole class and not teaching us. I tried to get help and she won't help, I also reached out to my guidance counselor. I am worried about failing because we don't take tests in this class, we write essays only and we don't know what she wants even thought we arw trying our best and I'm unsure what to do. Thanks

Hi dear anon.

This is a real problem. Education is fun and all until there’s a “teacher” who doesn’t give two craps about you.

I had a problem similar to this, so here’s how I can try to help you:

don’t give up asking questions about the essay. Bug the teacher every class about it if you need to. She needs to at the very least know she isn’t being helpful. Don’t be afraid to sound desperate or annoying. In fact, be that. Make it personal. Talk to her directly after the class ends or in the middle of the class. Send her emails. Say you’re sorry but you don’t understand/are worried/don’t have enough resources. Even if she says nothing, keep trying. You’ll know you tried your best from your part at least.

self teach. Of course. :/ I know it sucks, but you have to work harder to keep up with your work for this class. Spend the class doing readings from the textbook or exercises. Give yourself homework for that class. Watch Khan Academy, youtube videos on the topic. Don’t forget to practice, practice, practice that essay. Do essay plans. Read essay examples. Don’t let the teacher demotivate you completely. You can still get a decent-excellent grade in this class. Trust me! Put in the study time and you won’t fail.

get the whole class involved. Talk to others about this and ask them if they’re worried too. Get their attention. If the whole class is worried about something, it’s a lot easier to get the teacher to start doing something differently, as a request of so many. This can hopefully get other students interested in your questions, or get them to ask their questions to the teacher. Even if she answers nothing, once again, she’ll know it’s something the class collectively cares about and knows her attitude is under close attention. This can make the difference.

send emails to the people in charge. You reached to the guidance counselor, which is great! If there’s a department person for whom she answers to, send an email to them. If not, send an email to the school headmaster or student association president. They are there to help you and you are for whom they work for. Just be careful on how you present the situation. Don’t try to make it worse than it is but also don’t try to make it seem better. Be honest, open about your personal worries. Always say you want to do well in this class, even if that makes the email less formal. And always express the worries of the class if they expressed the worries to you when you talked to them. Don’t mention names of classmates without explicit consent though. Say the teacher’s classes aren’t productive, she isn’t being clear about the evaluation method, etc. etc. However, don’t make her look evil especially to the headmaster. Other teachers don’t like that, no matter how bad the situation is, so always be respectful. Give her the benefit of the doubt when you explain the situation, even if you don’t feel like it yourself. The goal is to get the people your teacher answers aware of the situation and to pressure her to do something more productive.

never be afraid of the teacher. There are no hierarchies in school. Everyone is working for one bigger goal: education. So don’t be afraid to send emails, to talk to teachers, to explain you simply don’t understand. The best teachers of my life were the ones who asked for criticism. Because they knew they didn’t know everything about teaching and everyone makes mistakes. The ones who don’t understand this shouldn’t even be teachers in the first place. Even if the teacher takes it the wrong way you asking questions or sending emails, it’s better to have a bad grade and let everyone know it’s because of the teacher than having a bad grade and be submissive about it. However, in the best of chances, you’ll be able to get some information from your teacher, from other students, etc. and be able to have a pretty decent grade, so don’t stress out. The best thing to do though is to always speak out loud. Don’t be afraid to point out what is wrong, especially what is affecting a lot more students than just yourself.

talk to your parents about it. Definitely. Getting the parents involved is somehow even more important for the school administration or teachers than getting the students involved, which is really sad, but true. If a parent shows concern about something, through an email, a face to face conversation, a letter, the school administration will pay attention to it, definitely. Get them to write an email (or write an email in their name) to the people I mentioned above or to someone you can remember, even the teacher herself. But more important than this, tell your parents because you are feeling worried and stressed about this, and they should be able to console you, be strong supporters and advocates for your education rights.

keep your positivity. Sure, it’s sad. It’s a class you could be having a wonderful time with the right teacher. But it’s just one class. And if you do all of the things above, you know you did your best. A less good grade because of a bad teacher happens more or less to every single student and it won’t ruin your future. It will be an experience to get through and try to conquer (and hopefully not happen again). But don’t lose your confidence, trust in good teaching and don’t give up on your grades/future. You got this!

Alright, good luck babe! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you.  ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!