#whenever i think about eddie's relationship to decision making i just wanna cry

[circledwithaheart]

Sunday Sentences 🧜‍♂️

tagged by @bekkachaos @elvensorceress @tizniz with some v v intriguing words. thank you loves 💖

i had a really tough time choosing what to share today but finally settled on this snippet. Eddie is having a mental wander while driving through New Mexico on his way to visit a certain Fishboy 🧜‍♂️

November came, and [REDACTED].  Everything felt like it was back in balance again. Sure, [REDACTED] would still need some follow up, but the hard part was over.  He shouldn't have been so confident about that.  The new year passed, Shannon’s winter break from classes was almost over. She took him to her room one Friday night. He waited to see what she needed, though the dynamic had changed since [REDACTED]. There was more love and flirting, more fun.  Shannon invited him to sit on the bed with her and he immediately had the sinking feeling that this was not going to be an ordinary visit. He braced himself, ready to plead his case if she was going to break up with him. Tell him that she didn’t really need him now that [REDACTED]. He couldn’t have been more wrong.  “Congratulations, Dad,” she said, handing him a little white stick with two pink lines, along with paperwork confirming the pregnancy via blood test.  Once again, he found himself without the proper words. His mouth decided to speak anyway. “Marry me.”  Even more surprising, Shannon said yes. And that’s how the last four and a half weeks of his life have become a fucking whirlwind, filled with more to do's and arguments than he thought possible.  The shouting matches with his parents were inevitable. Admittedly, he should have anticipated at least a few with Shannon, however, he seriously underestimated the power of pregnancy hormones.  Another thing he didn’t plan for was those same hormones double crossing him by convincing Shannon to team up with his parents. Apparently him finally making a decision — to provide for his family — like he’s been told to do since he was ten, is a cause worth uniting over.  At least with Shannon the fighting comes with incredible make up sex. Since they got married and moved in together, it’s that much simpler to transition from shouting to ignoring each other to making up and fucking like rabbits. All in all, it could definitely be worse.

np tagging @diazsdimples @daffi-990 @stereopticons @bidisasterevankinard @thewolvesof1998 @wildfluorescent @diazheartsbuckley @midsummersmorn @spotsandsocks @theotherbuckley @mangonadaeddie @your-catfish-friend @thekristen999 @milklovexoxo @wikiangela @steadfastsaturnsrings @inell @acesartemis @greencreekwolf @christopherdiazz @dr-shortsighted-owl @bi-buckrights @giddyupbuck @beyourownanchor6 @lavenderleahy @lemonzestywrites @monsterrae1 @slightlyobsessedwitheverything @thelikesofus @wildlife4life @eowon @rewritetheending @spaceprincessem @honestlydarkprincess @panikkarscurls @transryanguzman @bloodthirstybuckley @theplaceyoustillrememberdreaming @buckslasagna @sintari and anyone else who wants to😘

[s-oulpunk]

Alright I don’t have the time or brain capacity to write out an entire fic, but I’ve been thinking about Disney channel movie AUs and I need to write them out somehow.

First of all, Descendants.  A Descendants AU is NEEDED.

I know the obvious is to make Bill the prince/king.  To make Richie one of the Isle of the Lost kids.  But is that what we’re gonna do?  No.  Here’s what we’re gonna do instead:

Stan is the prince/king, and Richie is his best friend/right hand man.  Ben and Mike are also their friends, maybe Ben is the son of that one Dwarf (I can’t remember the character’s name sorryy).

Bill, Eddie, and Bev are the kids from Isle of the Lost.  It doesn’t particularly matter who their parents are, but Bill is the Mal character, Bev is Evie, and Eddie is a mix of Carlos and Jay.  Not literally bc they have different personalities, but, like, their places in the story.  Alright.  Hell yeah.  Now onto the actual story.

Stan spends a lot of time thinking about what he wants his first proclamation as king to be.  He talks to Richie, Ben, and Mike about his idea and, with a little bit of a push, he tells his parents he wants to invite some of the kids from Isle of the Lost to go to their school. (Which btw confused me abt the original movie.  Why is Ben king? He’s still in school. His dad isn’t sick. Who decided it was time for a 16 year old to be in charge of an entire kingdom?  Also where is the rest of the kingdom?  We only see the school.  Is the school the entire kingdom?  It doesn’t matter but those are my thoughts on the matter.)

Bill gets the invitation and, initially, wants to throw it away.  He doesn’t care, he likes his home.  It’s what he’s always known.  But Georgie practically begs him to go.  He’s more wide-eyed and naive than Bill is, so the idea of the great big world outside the island is so magical to Georgie.  Bill agrees to go, agreeing to write to Georgie everyday and promising to try and find a way to get him over too.

I don’t think either of Bill’s parents would care much about Fairy God Mother’s wand though, so either Eddie’s mom or Bev’s dad is the one to demand they steal it.  Eddie already has a different plot, so we’re going to say it’s Bev’s dad who wants the wand.  Sonia is lazy.  Alvin is power hungry.

Anyway, when they get there, Stan is there to greet them.  Bill and Stan see each other and are kinda like 👀 but then they just ignore that because feelings?? Who wants to think about that??  Stan’s still kind of wary of them, and Bill still thinks they’re all stuck up pricks.  So neither of them want to admit the other is cute.

Ben takes them to their rooms, and him and Bev are much more relaxed about realizing their feelings for each other.  They don’t act on it right away, but it doesn’t freak them out as much.  Bev makes Ben blush with her easy going nature, Ben makes Bev giddy with his natural kindness.  They can’t help but fall head over heels for each other.

But it’s Eddie who really lectures them on this.  His mom had instilled this fear inside him that these new people were going to hurt him. He desperately believes that a relationship with any of these people, that getting too settled, is going to hurt them. All he wants to do is help his friends get the wand and get out.

That is until he meets Richie.  They’re in PE when Mike’s dog manages to get away from his leash and, of course, chases after the one person TERRIFIED of dogs (AKA Eddie).  And Eddie, whose mother filled his head with stories about rabies and being torn limb from limb, fucking bolts.  Mike and Richie (who was in class with him) both try to find him.  Richie manages to find him first, hiding half up a tree as Mr Chips (that’s Mike’s dog’s name, right?) barks like a madman.  Richie manages to coax him down with the promise that Mr Chips won’t actually hurt him.  He does sniff him, but he quickly decides he’s not a threat and demands pets instead.  From then on, Richie and Eddie are inseparable.

Bev and Eddie are both making friends, so they’re starting to care less and less about stealing Fairy God Mother’s wand.  But Bill’s only worry is still finding a way to get Georgie off the island.  And as far as he knows, getting the wand will achieve that.  So he manages to convince Bev and Eddie to still go along with the plan, promising that if the villains do take over again, Ben and Richie won’t be in the line of fire.

Unfortunately, the only way they know to get the wand is to seduce Stan (because the wand will crown him king or something during coronation.  I forget why the wand is there.  But it is.  And if someone’s dating Stan, they get to stand right next to the wand.  Idk man.) Bev and Eddie beg Bill to do it, not wanting to risk their new romantic interests, and Bill pretends to throw a fit but he’s actually really glad it’s him.  He would definitely be low-key jealous if one of his friends got to date the unfairly pretty prince.

So they sneak Stan a love potion and everything’s going great except UH OH Stan’s actually really sweet?? And cute??  And he cares about what Bill has to say??  He spends hours reading Bill’s stories, doesn’t mind posing whenever Bill wants to sketch him (which is OBVIOUSLY just for show, he doesn’t actually wanna draw Stan hahaha😳), and never makes fun of Bill’s stutter.  He never even rolls his eyes or tells him to, “spit it out,” he just waits patiently with a soft smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes.

So Bill’s starting to feel more and more guilty, but he can’t look back now.  He PROMISED Georgie, and his brother’s more important than a cute boy.  Even if he is the cutest boy he has ever seen.

The day of the coronation, Bill slips Stan the cure to the love potion.  He isn’t truly cruel, he doesn’t want Stan to still be in love with him when the villains take over.  Because he is the prince and there’s no way Bill could protect him from their wrath.  He can deal with Stan hating him, even if it’ll shatter his heart into a million tiny pieces.

Except Stan doesn’t act any different.  At first Bill thinks that maybe it’s just because he doesn’t want to cause a scene in front of the crowd, but when they’re alone Stan kisses him softly and tells him how glad he is they met.

A part of Bill is ecstatic that Stan still likes him.  But another part of him can only feel crushing guilt.  Now Stan’s going to be heartbroken and there’s nothing Bill can do to stop it.

But he still grabs the wand, he still makes a show of breaking down the barrier.  He can see the light in Stan’s eyes crumble, and Bill wants to cry his, admittedly, too big heart out.  Bev and Eddie rush to help him, even though they’re facing their own moral dilemmas.

It’s not until the villains have already arrived and have everyone held hostage, that Stan finally breaks and asks WHY.  Why did he do it?  Why did he betray him?  When Bill tells him why, Stan’s just like, “You idiot, I could’ve done that.”

Now Bill feels like a real idiot.  And when he looks around, all he can see is the anger and fear he saw on the Isle of the Lost.  It’s exactly what he was trying to get Georgie away from, but now he’s made it worse.

So in a split second decision, he gathers Eddie and Bev and asks them to help him fix this.  It doesn’t take much convincing, they didn’t want to do it in the first place, and they manage to defeat the villains with the power of idk love and friendship or whatever.  Maybe the other Losers help too.

When it’s finally all done and over, Bill can’t think of any reason he wouldn’t be sent back.  He hands the wand back to Stan with his head hung low and a question on his lips.  Can Georgie take his place here?

Stan sighs heavily and tells Bill, yes, of course Georgie can come, but he needs time to think about what to do with Bill.  So Bill’s on house (or dorm, I guess) arrest for the next few days.  He hangs out with Eddie and Bev, and occasionally Ben, Richie, and Mike, but he doesn’t see Stan for nearly a week.  When he finally does, Stan greets him hesitantly, but reassures him that he’s not going to send him back.  Bill needs to do community service or whatever, but because he righted his wrongs, he can stay.

Bill’s fucking ecstatic, he leaps forward and wraps Stan in a hug.  Stan goes rigid at first, but it isn’t long before he melts into the embrace because he can’t deny that he had missed Bill as well.

It takes some time, but eventually Stan and Bill get back together (Georgie tries to help Bill woo Stan again) and they all live happily ever after and all that.

[takealottodragmeawayfromreddie]

Filling the blanks - Chapter 6

Pairing: Richie x Eddie x Bill (Reddie at the start).

Summary: During his last moments, Eddie realized he had something to say, but before he could finish the sentence, he was gone. Now he’s stuck between life and death and he knows he won’t be able to rest until he takes care of what he started. The only person he trusts enough to help him is Bill.

Or: The ghost AU where Eddie’s spirit can get inside of Bill’s mind to ask him for help to tell Richie he loved him.

Warnings: Canon Divergence (IT actually kills Audra) and, of course, death of major character. Some really heavy internalized homophobia in this chapter. Like, really heavy. Even some use of the F word that isn’t “fuck”. So, yeah, please be careful, the whole point of this fic is to make y’all have a good time, not triggering you <3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

AO3 link

Playlist on Spotify (mostly songs about Heaven and duel related stuff and 1980s hits)

Special thanks to my stunning beta @golden-marauders. I know you’re going through busy times and I just wanna say you’re doing amazing, sweetie. This thing would be nothing without you. Or at least pretty hard to read xD

Eddie can’t say he didn’t think about canceling the date. Actually, canceling the date has been the only thing on his mind since he and Bill left the bed. He spent the whole morning contemplating the idea, trying not to be too loud, since his friend needed to put all his effort into looking wrecked and lonely for the eyes of the producers. He didn’t even hear the conclusion of the meeting, and he felt afraid of asking. The last thing he wants is to make it seem like he doesn’t care about Bill’s problems.

He built up a few excuses, too. Lying to Richie shouldn’t be that hard, and he was already reluctant about the ‘new scary, weird thing’, so he wouldn’t insist or ask for any further explanation. Bill could get sick, or devastated after discussing his wife’s death, or Eddie could simply have come to the conclusion that he doesn’t love Richie. At least not as he thought. He was confused, that’s all.

He doesn’t even need to cancel. He took care of his unfinished business, he’s allowed to leave whenever he wants. And, to be honest, he could use an eternal nap after everything he’s gone through. Richie will wait for him and, when he finally realizes Eddie won’t come, he’ll go home and start to forget.

Richie said he wanted to forget. He said he wanted to get over Eddie’s memory and death. Eddie not attending their lunch would be the best thing that could happen to him.

And, damn, this is not just about Richie. Eddie himself isn’t sure if he wants to go back into the dating scene. He thought he would get away from it forever when he got married, and he can’t help but think he shouldn’t be doing it at his current age. He went out with a few girls when he was younger —always during his short seasons of ‘I’ll become strong and independent and I’ll show my mother I can live without her’— and everything he can recall from that dark era is awful.

All different from the others: tall, short, blonde, brunette, curvy, skinny; but all of them with the same demanding, enthusiastic voice, going on and on about their lives and wanting to find out more and more about Eddie’s. Asking, digging, questioning. Did he have lots of friends while growing up? He couldn’t remember. How many ex-girlfriends? None, they never lasted enough to earn that title. How could someone like him still be single? Sonia Kaspbrak, that’s how.

The most voluptuous ones would lean towards him, their giant breasts spreading all over the table, making him think about cows and lose his appetite for the rest of the night. The most demonstrative liked to casually play with his pinky ring and put their hand on his shoulder while acting like his jokes were super funny and bat their eyes while smiling sweetly at him. The shyest ones barely made any eye contact and they usually had a friend who called pretending a relative of them had a car accident, just in time to save them from the silence when it became unbearable.

But all of them had something in common. They expected to be taken home, and held, and kissed, and, sometimes, made love to. That was the concept Eddie couldn’t stand. And God knows he tried to explain it without hurting anyone’s feelings. Some took it well, but the ones who would cry and tell him he didn’t like them were the worst. He ended up putting his hands on their cheeks, making them look at him in the eye and talking about how they were amazing and deserved better for hours until their ego was restored.

Yeah, you deserve better, he thought. Preferably anyone but me.

I’ll call you, he’d say, and he’d never call. He didn’t give them his number because he was too scared of his mother picking up the phone. The only time he felt like he could trust someone with such personal information, was a ginger girl he met in college. She was nice and funny, and Eddie felt randomly willing to keep seeing her. Of course, he later concluded he only liked her as a friend, but the connection was there. He always connected with ginger girls, even though he couldn’t put his finger on the reason behind it.

When Sonia found out about her, their house almost exploded. She accused him of not loving her anymore, of trying to leave her. She cried and screamed that he had changed, that he felt like he was too good for his mother.

“You use people and then throw them away,” she sobbed, “I dedicated my whole life to you, to keep you safe and healthy, and now that you think you can take care of yourself, you want to get rid of me as soon as possible. But you’re wrong. You’re sure you can make it on your own but you’re wrong, Eddie. You’d be nothing without me.”

That was their biggest fight and the only time he decided to remind her about the fake meds. He was convinced it would make him win the argument and his whole life. However, it only made it worse. By the time she was crying in his arms, telling him she loved him and she didn’t want to lose him, he had already promised he would never date someone without letting her know again.

And he kept that promise. The next one was Myra and their relationship barely touched the dating phase. They got married by inertia and he acted like he loved her till the very last day.

So Eddie isn’t a professional on dating. He didn’t enjoy it, and somehow, going out on a date with Richie doesn’t seem right. What would they do? Sit down and eat their meal and pretend they don’t know everything about each other? Will Richie try to flirt with him like he would flirt with the random, hot women he’s used to date? How does a first date work when you already admitted you’re in love with the other person? Does Richie expect him to hold the doors open for him and pay the bill, like his previous romantic interests? Or will Richie do that for him? If that’s the case, how can he make it clear that he doesn’t want to be treated like a lady?

Fuck, how does gay dating work, anyway? Eddie hasn’t even considered that word yet. He just knows he likes Richie, he’s attracted to him and he doesn’t like women, which, by default, should make him gay. But the term isn’t something he’s accustomed to. He tries to act like an expert for Richie, because he understands that Richie is going through a lot and he needs someone to guide him. He makes an effort because Richie needs him, and that’s what finally convinces him that he can’t just cancel their date.

Richie needs him. Yes, Eddie loves him and wants to be with him, but that’s not the most important part of the deal. If he leaves the world and Richie falls for another man —or even a woman— and gets married and completely forgets about him, it won’t matter. Hurting and mattering aren’t the same thing. Essentially and most significantly, he will be happy for him. He doesn’t mind if the true love of Richie’s life is someone else. The only thing he cares about is that Richie accepts himself.

The confusion on his face and in his voice the night before, made Eddie’s heart shrink. He knows that doubt, that guilt, and he doesn’t want that for Richie. He wants him to look at himself in the mirror and, regardless of who’s in his bed that morning, feel no shame about liking both men and women and realize nothing can change that. After years of denial, Eddie knows the best gift he can give to someone he loves, is helping them to get to that point of awareness and freedom.

No, he won’t cancel. He can’t. His unfinished business might be completed, but he still has something to do. He won’t let Richie down.

“Okay,” he nods decisively, fixing the collar of his shirt in front of the mirror, “How do I look?”

Bill chuckles.

Y-you look amazing, if I do say so myself.

Eddie smiles too. He has spent the last twenty minutes wandering through the bathroom, looking for lotions and deodorants and hygiene products that Bill didn’t even know existed. As soon as they left the studio office, Eddie concluded they had to shower, and despite the insistence of his friend on how they were clean enough, he took that decision to its most extreme consequences. To the point where Bill is starting to think they might never leave the room.

Bill tried to be understanding and supportive. He gets it; life hasn’t been nice to Eddie, principally on the romantic department. The best thing he can do is play along and do anything he can to make it easier for him. But when Eddie resolves that their hair just doesn’t look good enough and that it’s probably because of the shampoo, so they should shower again, Bill knows it’s time to stop.

Okay, w-wait a minute… What’s wrong with my h-hair?

Eddie freezes with his hand inches away from the shower faucet.

“Oh, nothing,” he quickly clarifies, scared of Bill taking it the wrong way, “It looks good, really, but—”

Then why would you c-change it?

“’Cause… ‘cause it doesn’t look good on me, alright? It looks amazing on you, but not on me.”

Bill releases an exasperated sigh.

Eddie, we’ve literally got the same f-face.

Eddie opens his mouth to reply but, sooner than later, he realizes he doesn’t have any argument to what he wants to say.

Also, we’re gonna be late if we—

“But there’s so much I need to do,” he answers immediately, alarmed, “We… we haven’t shaved.”

W-we shaved this morning! What are you t-talking about?

“I know we did, fine? But I’m not convinced. Your skin feels weird and… and I’m sure it doesn’t look just-shaved enough… Maybe with some lotion…”

Eddie, s-seriously, you’re gonna leave America without lotion for three years if you k-keep that up. I’m telling you it looks fine. The only reason why you think it’s w-weird is ‘cause you’re not used to facial hair. I p-promise you Richie won’t notice the fucking d-difference!

Bill catches Eddie’s expression on the mirror and recognizes that maybe he went too far. Eddie looks shocked and almost betrayed. Perhaps they’re arguing about something insignificant, but with the emotional rollercoaster that the previous days had been, it makes sense that it affects him. Bill thinks about how to apologize without sending him a ‘you’re right’ message.

Sorry I s-snapped at you.

Eddie nods, saddened.

“It’s okay. Guess I deserved it.”

He forces a little smile and shrugs, and Bill panics at the misunderstanding.

N-no, Eddie, of course not. You… you didn’t deserve it, alright? I just really d-don’t want you to be l-late. And I’m scared that you might be…

Eddie stands back in front of the mirror and looks into his own eyes, searching for the other person that lies behind them.

“That I might what?” He softly asks.

T-trying to… back off.

At the start, he just looks confused, like he might had heard wrong. There’s no way Bill is implying what he thinks he implied. Then, shock hits him; Bill did say that. And after a fleeting moment of fear —what if it’s Bill who’s trying to back off?—, he’s plainly hurt.

“What the fuck?”

I-I just—

“No, really, the fuck are you talking about? Backing off? Why would I be backing off now?”

I d-don’t know. You’ve tried to back off b-before. Maybe you got scared or—

“Oh, sure, I forgot I’m a fucking pussy. Of course I’d get scared and try to back off. Of course I’m not an adult who can decide for himself and—”

Wow, c-calm down, Eds. You’re being d-defensive. I never said you were a coward. I don’t think that.

Eddie rubs his dead arm and looks down, suddenly demoralized.

“Well, Richie thinks that.”

W-wait… what? What did I miss? When did he s-say that?

His friend exhales a breathless laugh.

“You know, last night… He went on and on about how he wished I was more like when we were kids and how disappointed on me he was. And you can’t tell me it’s not true, ’cause I heard it and it was exactly what it sounded like. Guess that’s one of the things he wouldn’t say to my face, huh?”

Eddie, I—

“But I can’t really blame him. I would have been disappointed in me too, if I noticed how… how I was letting my mother and Myra tame me.”

B-but they didn’t! E-Eddie, can’t you see? They couldn’t tame you. If they did, how… how could you have come back? How could you have r-returned to Derry and… and… S-she was begging you to go back to New York. She would have done a-anything to make you stay. But you decided to do what you t-thought was right, no matter what she s-said. She didn’t have full control over you, and neither did your m-m-mother.

“Then I guess Richie just doesn’t see it that way…”

Of course Richie sees it that way! L-listen, the only reason Richie was d-disappointed was ’cause… ’cause he wanted his friend back. And so did the rest of us. It’s true, we wanted the old Eddie back, but not because he was b-brave or strong… we wanted him back ’cause he was happy. ’Cause he wanted to keep moving f-forward, and overcome his… his fears, and travel the world on his… on his train or w-whatever.

And when we saw you again after almost t-thirty years, sad and defeated, it hurt. But not in the way you think. It didn’t hurt like it does when… I don’t know, when a war hero d-dies. It hurt like it does when you realize your best friend is living an u-unhappy life.

B-but you proved us wrong! ’Cause you still had the same fire in you. You still have it, E-Eddie. You r-re-rekindled it when you came back, even if your wife didn’t want you to. And when you… k-killed Bowers. And when you gave your life for… for us. And by coming to me now and letting me know… by letting R-Richie know… Man, you’re made of stone.

Bill means it. Eddie knows Bill means it. And the comforting feeling of the person he admires the most talking about him like that, it’s almost unbearable. He never thought something as reassuring as what Bill just told him could be this overwhelming, this physically hurtful. But even when it feels like dying all over again in the best way possible, there’s still a shadow of doubt in his eyes.

Bill breathes out.

Hey, it’s okay if you’re mad at R-Richie. Really, what he said was just horrible and you s-shouldn’t ever let anyone talk about you like t-that. So I just want you to f-forget about your feeling for h-him, about your cosmic mission, about It, about e-everything, and allow yourself to feel hurt. ’Cause the people you love can be assholes, too… especially Richie. And they can say shit they shouldn’t. And if that shit m-makes you sad or angry or any other f-feeling… it’s alright. But maybe you… if you’re still mad, you shouldn’t…

“Bill, I’ll go,” Eddie clarifies, “I already said I would. And I’m not doing it just for myself. Richie needs me now. He’s confused, he’s scared, he’s—”

He’s an adult. He’s my b-best friend and I love him, but he’s an adult. It’s not your job to… to figure out his life for him. That’s s-something he has to do by h-himself. Please, just… stop trying to be deep, stop trying to be existential, stop trying to… s-save him. You already did that. What he does from now on… it… it’s up to him. You’re not his ticket out of the c-closet, you’re not his spiritual guide. You’re just his friend who wants… who could start a r-relationship with him. That’s all you’ve got to be. And you’ve got to a-ask yourself if you… if you still want that. ’Cause if you don’t and you f-force yourself… well, someone will end up hurt.

Eddie nods his head thoughtfully, lips closed.

Please, just… think it over. Rich’s not a bad guy. He doesn’t d-deserve your resent just because you held on to something… s-something you weren’t ready to do. And you don’t deserve it, either.

“I understand what you say, but I still wanna do it. Not because of Richie, not because I just want to go out with a guy… I want to do it for myself. I know he said some shitty stuff… and I’m not gonna act like it didn’t hurt. Fuck, it still hurts a bit, but that’s not the point. I’ve been letting everything get in the way of… of what I want. And down there, with my arm gone, bleeding to death, all I could think about was how nice it would be to leave that place like nothing happened and simply… be with him. I won’t miss this chance. I wanna take it.”

Bill sighs and takes control of his right arm to rest a hand on Eddie’s shoulder and give it a sympathetic squeeze.

T-then I’ll be with you in every step of the way… l-literally.

Eddie can’t help but chuckle, but the laugher fades away when he rationalizes everything.

Are you okay?

He blinks a few times, shocked.

“Yeah, I just noticed… this is the first time I got nervous before a date… for the right reason.”

Bill laughs, too.

It’s what you d-deserve. And it’s how it’s g-gonna be from now on.

Eddie raises his left hand and puts it over Bill’s, a soft smile on his face.

Yes, this is how it’s going to be. This is how it always should have been.

They’re supposed to meet at a small cafeteria that Richie chose. Eddie is sure he wanted it to be in such an unknown place because he didn’t like the thought of people finding out about it, but since this is Bill’s body and the last thing Eddie wishes is for his reputation to be affected by this experience, he can’t get mad. Richie and Bill are both very famous people, and a picture of them going out on a date —especially when Mrs. Denbrough has been gone for such a short time— would break the internet. They can’t take risks.

Also, he doesn’t mind privacy. After all, Richie is not the only one who’s trying to get used to the gay thing. Even though they already held hands and kissed, doing it out in the open world feels different. None of them are ready to take that step.

So he goes to this little bar, full of colorful murals and artsy details here and there, and stands in front of the glass door, building up the courage to open it, knowing what’s waiting for him on the other side. Once he does it, he doesn’t have any trouble to find Richie. He’s not far away from the exit, and is being loud enough while picking up his jacket and phone, prepared to leave. Eddie can hear him mumbling, talking to himself.

“Uh, Eds, sorry I couldn’t go I just…” Richie practices, “I had to… I had to check on my… No, that sucks, he’s not gonna buy that… Eds, sorry, I should have called but my grandma is in the hospital and… No, fuck, no, he knows my grandmother is dead… Okay, Rich, you can do it, one more time… Eds, I’ve got syphilis… Damn, what the hell I’m thinking? Ghosts don’t give a fuck about STDs… On the other hand, is Eddie who we’re talking about, so maybe…”

He starts walking to the door while saying this, so immersed on his monologue that he doesn’t notice Eddie’s presence until they’re face to face. His expression when he sees him is so priceless that Eddie can’t even get angry.

“Do you have to be at somewhere else?” He grins, maliciously.

Richie opens his mouth and shuts it, his index finger raising as if he had something to say, even when he doesn’t have a clue.

“You were trying to leave, weren’t you?”

He gulps and nods without a word.

“I really want to say I can’t believe this, but actually—”

“Eds, it’s not what you think,” Richie quickly explains.

“Oh, what is it, then?”

“Listen, Eddie, I… They’re gonna send me to… I’ve got… I’ve got gonorrhea, okay?”

“Didn’t you have syphilis like… thirty seconds ago?”

“That one too… also my ex is pregnant.”

“Let’s sit down and order the fucking food. I’m starving.”

He’s walking to the table, chuckling and shaking his head, before Richie can throw another excuse, and he doesn’t have any option but following him and taking a seat.

Here they are, only a dark wood surface and two menus between them, forced to have every conversation they’ve ignored since this madness started. Richie secretly wonders if the serious conversations will ever end, and Eddie kind of wants them to stop, too, but they know they’re necessary. It’s what they have to do.

“I really didn’t want to stand you up,” Richie says, and he sounds honest.

“It’s okay,” Eddie cuts him, “You’re scared, that’s all. I was scared, too.”

“Did you think about standing me up?”

“Uh… well, maybe not that scared, but definitely nervous. Bill said I was gonna leave America without lotion for three years if I kept that up,” he laughs a bit, “Just wanted to smell good, honestly.”

Richie nods, surprisingly solemn, and after a few seconds he seems to realize it was supposed to be a funny moment and not a transcendental one, so he makes one of his pathetic attempts to be smooth. They usually work… with twenty-something-year old girls. But Eddie is not a twenty-something-year old girl begging him to sleep with her. So it comes off forced and teenager-like.

“Oh, you… you do smell good, I guess?” He stutters, “Shit, I didn’t mean to say that. I mean, I wasn’t putting a lot of attention into it and it’s not like you don’t smell good all the time or anything… I mean, you have smelt better… No, wait, I really didn’t mean to say that. What I’m trying to say is… It’s not Bill’s lotion, I guess? Like, it’s you, your last body smelt nice, too… Well, probably not right now, but—”

“Beep-beep, Richie. I get the picture.”

Richie groans, frustrated, and looks down.

“Sorry, this is a bit weird for me. This doesn’t happen often.”

“What?”

“Well… this!” He makes an exaggerated gesture with his hands, “C’mon, you can’t tell me this isn’t weird.”

Eddie frowns, but the amused smile remains on his face.

“I thought you were used to go out on dates and talk to people.”

“Oh, yeah, I sure am.” He takes a breadstick from the basket between them and gives it a bite, “But this isn’t a… normal situation, you know?”

“Because I look like Bill or…?”

“No, I don’t care ’bout that… It’s just… Argh, it’s hard for me to talk to guys.”

“Richie, what the fuck?”

“I know it’s stupid, okay? You don’t need to tell me...”

“But you’re a guy, too!” He exclaims, trying not to burst out in laughter.

“Yeah, but you’re not just any guy. Like, there’s normal guys and there’s you! I mean…” Then he notices what he said, “Fuck, I know what it sounded like but it wasn’t supposed to sound like that. It’s not because of the… the thing.”

“The thing?”

“Yeah, you know…” He leans towards Eddie and whispers, “The thing.”

“Do you mean…” Eddie imitates him, still making an effort to control his chuckles, “The gay thing?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean.”

“Hi, may I take your order?” A waitress who neither of them knows where she came from suddenly asks.

That’s when they remember they’re in a public place and they’re so close their noses almost touch, so they both jump away from each other and stridently clear their throats while opening the menus.

“Billy, I was thinking of ordering the Philly cheese stake sandwich, what do you think?” Richie says, a little too loud.

“Uh… yeah, it sounds like a good idea.”

“Would you like to have one, too, Bill Denbrough, my best friend?”

“Just order whatever,” Eddie groans, rubbing his temples.

“Okay, so that will be, please,” he tells the waitress.

She nods, takes the menus and walks away. Their relieved sighs when she’s gone can be heard in the whole restaurant.

“You’re over-acting,” Eddie warns.

“Over-acting? I’m a fucking actor!”

“If you act like that in your movies…”

“Well, my fans don’t seem to care.”

“Do your fans know you can’t even have a normal conversation with a guy?”

“I already told you you’re not just some guy! You’re… Eddie!”

“Oh, right, the thing.”

“It’s not about the thing.”

“Sure it isn’t…” Eddie rolls his eyes.

“I’m getting a sense of déjà vu with this talk…”

“Yeah, we already had it, and you still can’t say the word ‘gay.’”

“Ugh, man, give me a rest. This ain’t easy.”            

“Richie, we only have two weeks. You said you wanted to say it back, but you weren’t ready. I’m giving you all the time I can, but I think you just don’t want to be ready at all. Do you even like me?”

“Of course I fucking like you, asshole!” He snaps, remembering to keep his voice low, “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I wouldn’t have kept that stupid, fake aspirator around if I didn’t. But this is hard for me, okay? It took you forty years to come to terms with… with the thing! And you still expect me to be all over you in less than 24 hours. At this time yesterday I was the straightest guy in town.

”I love women, alright? I love how they look and how they smell and how they run their nails down my back.” He sighs, “But… but looking back, I also liked how you looked and your smell and I… I’ve spent the whole fucking night thinking about your nails running down my back. And it’s so confusing and frustrating.

”I’m not gay, Eds! I know you want me to say I’m gay, but I really don’t feel like that. You’re the one who makes me feel this way. And I want it to stop but not really at the same time. Just… See? This is why I can’t say it. I’m sorry, but as soon as you’re gone, the feeling will be gone and I’ll go back to normal. There’s nothing we can do. So what’s the point of thinking it over? This goes nowhere.”

Once he finishes, he’s surprised to find out Eddie doesn’t look mad or done with the drama at all. Instead, his eyes are sad and understanding, like the only thing he could conclude from his rant was that Richie is unhappy and he doesn’t want him to feel like that. The waitress stops them from continuing talking when she comes back and puts their sandwiches in front of them, but when she leaves, they know they can’t ignore everything that’s been said.

“Then why are you here?” Eddie quietly asks, before giving his sandwich a bite.

“Why am I here?” Richie questions, puzzled.

“Yeah, why did you come if you thought it went nowhere? Why waste your time?”

“It’s what I do, Eds. I make out with someone and my mind goes all over the place, and I think ‘damn, this could be good’, so I give them a try ’cause this time could be different and I might prove I’m not just the funny guy on T.V. Then we get to know each other and they realize they don’t want just sex. They want you to undress your soul and tell them about your childhood trauma and have a lot of meaningful conversations that go on for hours. They want you to get married and have babies and buy a nice little house in the suburbs.

”Then they find out you can’t give them those things and try to change you. And when you realize you’re just the fantasy of the emotionally inaccessible guy… you tell them to put their dress back on and leave your house, and the next weekend you make out with someone new.”

Eddie remains mute.

“Sorry, I’ve been watching BoJack Horseman,” Richie apologizes, tearing off the bread’s crust, “But, hey, that’s fine. We’re just two old friends hanging out and…”

There’s an uncomfortable silence. The kind of silence Eddie desperately wanted to avoid. However, it isn’t like the ones he used to share with his previous dates. Those were terrible and scary, full of ridiculous attempts to restart the conversation, even when it was already dead. This silence feels like something needed, natural. They don’t want to rush out of it for the sake of stop being awkward. They want to work it out once they have something to say.

“Well, at least you don’t have to tell me about your childhood trauma,” Eddie shrugs, and Richie smiles, “I’m sorry if I pressured you. I didn’t mean to—”

“No, Eds, I’m sorry. I felt so bad about you being gone, and there was nothing I wanted more than you coming back… And when you do it, I just decide to be an asshole and call you names and act like you wasted your whole life, ’cause you didn’t throw everything you had away for things you didn’t even remember. It wasn’t fair.”

“Hey.” He looks around and puts his hand over Richie’s, “It’s okay if you like both, you know?”

“What?”

“Men and women. Seriously, it’s fine. You don’t have to pick a side… at least for me. I’m okay with it.”

Richie lets go a small, bitter laugh.

“Yeah, you say that now—”

“And I’ll say it again later if you need me to. I’ll say it every day ’till I leave: there’s nothing wrong about it.”

“Oh, c’mon, don’t make it a coming out story. We kissed and I liked it. I never wanted a guy before, just you. When you leave, this leaves with you.”

“What if you meet another man?”

“It took me forty years to meet you, and we’ve known each other since before I could even read. I think I’ll be fine.”

“You can’t say that. You don’t know that.”

“Listen, Eds,” he starts, firm, “I know one thing: I’ve been treated like a freak almost my whole life. I’ve been punched and kicked and thrown into trash cans. My glasses got broken so many times I ended up buying contacts. And look at me now.” He opens his arms, “Sorry, but I can’t go back to be a freak again.”

Eddie leaves his sandwich on the plate and stands up. Despite how tears are doing everything they can to fill his eyes up, his face stays impassible.

“I never thought you were a freak, Richie,” he says, “And the other Losers didn’t think that, either.” He grabs his coat from the chair’s back, “We used to be enough for you. I’m sorry you need everyone else to love you now. I’m sorry you gave up.”

Richie’s eyes are wide-open.

“Wait, Eds, where you going?”

“I’m leaving, Rich,” Eddie answers, already walking to the door. He hears Richie’s steps behind him, but he doesn’t stop, “Call me when you make up your mind.”

“Man, what the fuck? C’mon, you know I… Eds, please, I… You know how I am, you know I say stupid things…”

They walk out the restaurant, Eddie first and Richie a few steps after him.

“So I have to sit there and be your punching bag, just because you can’t get your shit together?” Eddie demands, face on fire as he turns around to look at him, “You’re fucking forty, Richie, and you still act like a child. I can leave whenever I want, you know? I could have left yesterday if I wanted to. But you said you wanted me to stay, and now it’s like you’re dreaming of the day I’m gone so you can go back to being straight or whatever you are. I felt like a freak, too, but I got over it because I love you. And I grew up in the same town, with the same people and going to the same church. You don’t have an excuse. Next time you’re not sure about being ready for something, just fucking say ‘no.’ Maybe you like losing time, but I don’t have time to lose.”

Putting his fingers against his lips, Eddie loudly whistles to call a cab, which is parking next to the sidewalk within a matter of seconds. He’s about to open the backseat door, when Richie yells.

“And I can’t lose you again!”

Eddie lets go of the handle and looks at him.

“Really, man, what the fuck have you done to me?” Richie continues, “I keep thinking I’m on a nightmare or a bad acid trip, ’cause I can’t believe this shit. I’m… I’m going crazy. This can’t be happening, you can’t be back from death, I can’t… I… I’m not gay!”

Eddie takes a few steps closer, gaze still reluctant. The fact that Richie doesn’t go back isn’t surprising enough to distract him of the topic. When he talks again, his voice is soft, comforting, as he stares into Richie’s eyes.

“No, you’re not gay.”

“I’m not…” Richie mutters, lips trembling.

“You aren’t.”

“I’m not,” he repeats, with more confidence, “I’m not gay. I… I’m… I like… both. I like both, Eds.”

“You like both,” Eddie nods, a smile blossoming on his face as he cries at the same time.

Richie can’t help but laugh out loud. Normally, Richie’s exaggerated reactions would piss Eddie off, but, with this one, he feels like it’s justified. When he figured out his own sexuality, he couldn’t even finish a sentence, when all he wanted to do was shout it at the top of his lungs. He’s just glad Richie has the opportunity to celebrate it as noisily as he wishes.

“Shit, I’ve been such an idiot with you, I’m sorry,” Richie laments, “But this time for real.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie assures him, “You were very confused, I should have been more understanding.”

“Oh, don’t worry, you waited your whole life to get some, it’s fair that you wanted it as soon as possible.”

“Beep-beep, Richie.”

“So, let’s get this one thing straight—”

“We’re not,” he jokes, rolling his eyes.

Richie looks shocked.

“Wow, Eddie Spaghetti gets off a good one!” He exclaims, taking Eddie’s dead hand and giving it a hi-five, “But, seriously, I wanna make sure I got it right… You… like me… in a gay way.”

“True…”

“And I…” He points at himself, “Like you… in a bisexual way!”

“You’ve got it,” Eddie smirks.

“And that means we… you and I… are on a 75% gay relationship.”

“Last time I checked we were just having our first date.”

“Oh, yeah, almost forgot,” Richie coincides, scratching the back of his neck, “I guess I kinda ruined that, didn’t I?”

“Well, not yet… our table is still there. Maybe we could… still have lunch together?”

“You’re okay with that?”

“Sure… Are you okay with that, too? It’s not just about what I want and you’ve been through a lot, so...”

“It’s alright for me.”

“Then let’s go.”

They laugh again and walk inside, playfully bumping into the other’s side, chuckling all the way back to their table.

“I know this is fucked up,” Eddie says, taking his sandwich, “I mean, me coming back, Bill and I in the same body. I guess I focused so much on my own feelings I didn’t think about yours. So, if you have any questions about this—”

“I’ve got a few, yeah.”

“Just ask me. I promise I’ll tell you everything I can.”

Richie takes a sip of his glass of Coke and nods thoughtfully. He puts it back on the table and starts rubbing his own chin.

“I have one…”

“Anything you need to know.”

“If one of you gets a boner—”

“Okay, okay, okay,” he interrupts, “Do you have any non-sexual questions? Something that doesn’t have anything to do with body reactions at all?”

Richie thinks it over.

“Actually… No, not that many.”

“Well, that saves some time.”

They both giggle.

“Hey,” Richie mumbles, “thank you for dealing with me. I know it’s hard.”

“Deal with an arm getting bitten off your shoulder and then talk about hard stuff,” Eddie grins, “But really, don’t thank me. You don’t need to. I’m glad things went this way.”

“You know, I… I think I changed my mind. I do have a question.”

“Tell me.”

“If you survived… if you finished that confession and miraculously didn’t die… what do you think would have happened?”

Eddie gives it a thought.

“I’m not sure. What do you think?”

“Oh, fuck, I think that probably… I would have gotten scared and told you I didn’t feel the same. And we’d have gone back to our everyday lives and forget about each other.”

Eddie nods, contemplatively.

“Well, I don’t think that. I mean, I guess you could have gotten scared or too confused. Maybe you would have rejected me. But I don’t think I could go back to Myra… I wasn’t happy with her and I knew I’d never be. I found out what I wanted when we met again, but I always knew what I didn’t want.”

“Yeah, you’re right. But what if… I don’t know, if actually looking at your face and hearing your voice made it easier to process? What if I said it back and I brought you to California with me and… we got married? Like, big Hollywood wedding? Happy ever after and all that jazz?”

“Maybe,” Eddie chuckles, “But we’ll never know that.”

“No, we’ll never know…”

It’s Richie’s time to take Eddie’s hand. When he feels the pressure of his fingers over his, Eddie freezes.

“I’m glad things went this way, too, Eds.”

Dating is not that bad at all.

Tag list: @trippy-alexissss

I know there was more people who wanted to be tagged, but I lost the list with their urls so, if you want to be tagged, please let me know and I’m so sorry for these problems.