#where suffering and exertion make you worthy of a better life in this world. or the next world if it comes to that

[smile-files]

thinking about henry ledore from this strange meta lens is fascinating. a long ramble follows...

henry's function in the story is to be 1. hated and 2. undeserving of it. he is given the noblest possible motives, ones only deemed as such because they are so self-effacing and self-dehumanizing. the accusations of harming others contrast so starkly against the truth because that truth is the willingness to constantly harm himself, a harm which he - and the game, in an implicit way - deems blameless. his actions are incredibly damaging, but he is declared a good person in the end because we realize those actions damage him and nobody else. he is the servant granted kindness. whether intentionally or not, the story doesn't treat him as inherently deserving of that kindness: the story treats it as mercy he needs to repay. and he does. he abandons his own life for it. and his repayment is what makes him a good person. we hate him because we think he's selfish. we hate him because we think he took what he was given and stole everything else. we hate him because we spend most of the game being deprived of practically any humanizing quality he possesses. any such quality we are given tells of his selflessness. his humbleness. his diligence. his anxiety. anything that proves him unselfish is to some extent a result of his dichotomizing refusal to be selfish. he himself thinks it is mercy to be repaid. the justification for his entire existence over the past 18 years is that brief moment from his childhood. it is a toy. it is a gift. it isn't something he was going to have implicitly, but because it was given to him, he now has the opportunity to make himself a martyr by killing himself to prove himself worthy of it, by making himself a biblical job. we learn this at the last possible moment. we have to hate him until it's nearly too late so his suffering can reach its peak and make him all the more noble for enduring it. the game hides his heart as much as he does. he is made to be the perfect suspect. "the butler did it." his quiet obedience in adolescence, his inhumanness, is precisely what makes him seem suspicious: how could anybody not chafe at such servitude? surely he harbors hatred and greed which, even if they are righteous, would fester into something disproportionately violent. his "goodness" is impossible, and, as it is coupled with a secretive personality, he comes off from the start as potentially vengeful and dangerous. his merit comes from doing the impossible. for being as "good" as his actions would suggest, for being loyal to his master in a way nobody could possibly be. he is so laudable only because he should be evil. he is so laudable only because we had to be proven wrong for hating him. and, through personality and presentation, he can barely push back against the vitriol he receives during the game: he has to be bad at defending himself, so the weight of suspicion is all the heavier, so we pity him all the more for having suffered it. we then must cry, if only we'd known! he exists to let himself be broken, to receive apologies that he will rescind. by setting him up as the perfect villain, the game makes him the perfect victim.

[c-is-for-circinate]

It feels like there's this narrative that fandom keeps wanting to explore, with Steve Harrington, about this very specific type of martyrdom where self-sacrifice is an expression of a lack of self-worth. And, like, yes, write the narrative that's meaningful to you, and yes ok Steve does admittedly get beaten up a lot, but -- legitimately I do not think this narrative is actually Steve's story.

Like, without gendering things too much, there is something in the Steve fanon that I keep seeing that's so reflective of the specific kind of sacrifice and societal pressures exerted on girls, specifically -- this story of 'you make yourself worthy and worthwhile by carving pieces out of yourself', of believing that you must always give and never receive to justify the space you take up in the world. Yes, boys can experience this same pressure (and obviously trans and nb people of all genders run into it as well! sometimes a lot!), but especially in the mid-1980s cultural context where Stranger Things takes place, it's just...really not likely to be a dominant narrative for Steve to be operating under? It doesn't even really match the Steve we see on screen -- who is happy to make sacrifices for the sake of others, yeah, when needed, but who's not particularly kind or giving unless somebody asks first.

And Steve does get hurt a lot on other people's behalf! And this is a problem! It's just a completely different problem than the one fandom keeps writing.

Steve, and I'm going to say this forever, is a story about toxic masculinity, which the show may or may not even know it's writing. The archetypes influencing Steve's character as it shows up on the screen (and the stories and messages that Steve would actually be surrounded by in his actual life) are not deconstructions of suffering heroes who never should have had to fight in the first place and were destroyed by it. That's the Buffy the Vampire Slayer story. Steve's not Buffy. Steve's cultural context is Indiana Jones.

Steve is The Guy! And part of being The Guy is that you're expected to take the hits -- not because Steve is less important than the women-and-children he's supposed to protect, but because, the story says, he will get less hurt. Why should Steve get in between Billy and Lucas? Because Steve is an eighteen-year-old athlete and Lucas is in middle school, and of the two of them, Steve actually stands a chance. (And yes, Steve got badly hurt there, and Max had to save him -- but if Lucas, if Max had taken that beating they would not have been running through those tunnels later.) Was somebody else better-qualified to dive down to the uncertain bottom of a cold lake in the middle of the night? Steve doesn't list his credentials there as a way of justifying some ideal of martyrdom; he is literally the most likely person on the boat not to drown.

And make no mistake: when Steve's pulled into the Upside-Down, he survives the bats long enough for backup to get there. Realistic or not, he's apparently tough enough that he's physically capable of hiking barefoot through hell without much slowing down. Steve is the tank for the same reason as any tank: because he literally has been shown to have the most hit points in the group. You cannot honestly engage with Steve in this context without dealing with the fact that he's right.

AND THIS IS A PROBLEM! This is still a problem! But it's not the same problem that fandom seems to expect. It's not an expression of caretaking or the need for self-sacrifice; it's not an issue with Steve valuing himself less. It's an issue of toxic masculinity so ingrained that Steve doesn't even recognize he's suffering from it, because one of the tenets of toxic masculinity is that Big Strong Guys don't suffer. It's just a concussion, it's fine, he'll walk it off. It's not that Steve thinks he deserves to get hurt, or even that he's less deserving of safety than the others. It's that absolutely nothing in his cultural context allows him to admit that he can be hurt in a significant way.

There's still so much tension that can be gotten out of this situation, I swear. There's so much that can be explored in writing! Hell, the show itself is deconstructing some of this trope, believe it or not, by giving us a Steve who absolutely can take all the hits thrown his direction but still doesn't know what the fuck he's doing with his life. It turns out that doing his job as The Guy is only mildly helpful in horror movie situations (mostly by buying time for smarter, squishier people to do the damage from behind him), and somewhere a little worse than useless in everyday life.

But Steve does not go out of his way to self-sacrifice, he really doesn't. He just does his job. He's The Guy. Of course he's not going to let a kid or a girl or some scared skinny nerd who just learned about monsters yesterday take the hits. Of course Steve's got this.

[lesser-mook]

Stop Emasculating Men, Then Wondering Where All The Good Men Went

BY: GREG ELLIS

Women Are Human Too — With Human Flaws

As Macrocreeps will tell you, women are goddesses apparently.

Can do no wrong, above us greasy mere mortals known as men that are here to serve. According to society, women's shit don't stink.

As a society, we buy into an unspoken and pervasive bias in favor of women: as the fairer sex, they must be inherently more righteous and loving than men. Yet we are all human, and capable of being slaves to base passions. Just as men’s, women’s passions can manifest in destructive and ugly ways.

Well this isn't a modern phenomena, bias toward women is in our DNA, they bear the babies. So we associate women with children and babies, it's why we treat women with the same tolerance & lack of accountability we spare for children who don't know how to make sound rational decisions.

The problem is society has progressed but it hasn't "advanced", progression just means you moved in a direction, it doesn't mean it's the right direction.

Advancement is to go in a better vector than previously, to advance is to evolve.

Civilization hasn't evolved, we infantilize women then wonder why some women act weird, we wonder where Karens come from, why young Women are so entitled yet so useless in a utility sense of a relationship.

We're raising them to be passive bystanders in their own lives and encourage them to be bosses and produce absolutely nothing.

That's not our bias toward women being a construct of modern society, it's natural, but the same energy we exert to keep men in check we need to exercise it to keep women in check as well.

Because infantilizing women ,giving them trophies for being "the first women to-" [insert thing a man has already done[ is just treating women like actual children.

They're winners for playing, not actually doing anything worthy of praise.

The bias isn't the entire issue. It's the hypocrisy.

Recognizing this doesn’t negate the plight women have endured in a historically male-dominated world. It simply suggests women hold no monopoly on virtue. Women’s ascendance past centuries-old barriers is remarkable and praiseworthy. Almost all the men I know look with pride and amazement at the mothers and daughters in their lives, and understand the “Me Too” movement is a long-overdue reckoning for bad men. But why must success for one sex automatically include derision for the other? The laudable, original objective of the feminist movement urging us to better our traditional manhood has warped into an assault on everything masculine. It strips away empathy for boys, who must navigate a world that assumes the worst of them.

Apparently women aren't flawed. Criticizing them is misogyny and could result in you losing your job.

Their word alone can send you to jail and if she lied well oh well, you lost years of your life and her identity will be protected.

Oops? Welcome to honorary Second class citizenship, dear males. Acknowledge your privilege to go die in any situation that threatens women to preserve the lives of women and if you don't you'll be canceled and lose everything:

Remember, women are oppressed in first world countries.

And don't you dare tell a woman she looks nice today that's considered violence.

See we drive men and women apart, we don't challenge articles that are doing nothing but inflating the problem, then wonder why society is going down the crapper.

It's a real mystery.

Ostracizing Masculinity

Men kill themselves at a rate almost 400 percent higher than women. They also make up the vast majority of combat deaths; more than 97 percent of American military fatalities in Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom were men.

And nobody cares because men suffering is beneath our notice, it's normalized into the culture. So normalized there's a fetish that specializes in emasculating men to the furthest extent possible as an inferior derivative of the human species and painting women as omnipotent & superior, even actual goddesses.

(overcompensating much?)

Male suffering is all part of the plan baby, it's how you bring a country down to it's knees. Better believe it.

The quick ascendence of this concept to cultural gospel is reflected by how common the phrase has become. Although The New York Times has since removed its calculator for word frequency in its coverage, screenshots posted to Twitter suggest the term “toxic masculinity” was basically nonexistent in the media until recently. After that, its prevalence appears on the graph as a slope verging on vertical. The same is true for related terms like “patriarchy” and “male privilege.” A Google search for the term “toxic masculinity” yields more than 7.5 million results. Start scrolling, and you’ll see articles like The New York Times’ “The Boys Are Not All Right,” Scientific American’s “How to Fight Toxic Masculinity,” and The Atlantic’s “Toxic Masculinity and the Brokenness of Boyhood” — which appears to have been stealth-edited with the new title, “The Miseducation of the American Boy.”

“Toxic Masculinity and the Brokenness of Boyhood”

Brokenness of Boyhood, listen to that language, the insinuation of inherit defection. I can just taste the venom through my screen. Holy shit.

Imagine it: "The Brokeness of Girlhood"

Now mind you, the inherent toxicity of women manipulating people, their propensity to be passive aggressive, jealous, vindictive, & turn people against each other, plot murders, warp a situation by feigning weakness or using tears to turn a situation- Things girls learn subliminally as children to influence the behavior of their parents and then authorities to the best of one's ability.

It even happens in classrooms or parties. Women are not stupid and it's a natural instinct of women , but it's actually very dangerous.

The entire point of GONE GIRL is to show how effective a woman can be if she really wanted to mess someone up without putting her hands on anyone.

See the problem is we've made it so "toxicity" is only defined by what men normally do wrong, not by women's standards too.

So that way when it's time for women to take accountability, it's never time, because there's always an excuse or a phantom patriarchy to blame.

The “toxic masculinity” narrative deepened further in 2019, when the American Psychological Association, for the first time in its history, developed official guidelines for working with men and boys. The document is discouraging, calling for recognition of “the impact of power, privilege, and sexism on the development of boys and men” and casting what it considers “traditional” male behavior as inherently problematic.

That's the point. That's how you destroy what makes a Country a threat. Masculinity.

North Korea is not shaking in their boots because we have Sensitivity Classes or because THE VIEW has an opinion, hell this is only an argument if pretend women never start fights or cause trouble.

When people say if women ruled the world-

Harnessing electricity would've been postponed, don't kid yourselves. We might be a more cultured world for sure with women on top, but our advancement ?Technology? Say bye bye to your vibrators kiddos.

All in all, America is very effeminate, that's partly why it's failing.

Where Is the Empathy For Men?

Ignored, Americans have an inclusive, sensitive, tolerant society (Gemini A.I will tell you this bullshit)-- Unless Men or White people are involved in the conversation.

It’s debated whether certain masculine behaviors are born of dubious socialization or are the function of natural, hormone-driven biological traits. Meanwhile, many of the people shouting about toxic men also inexplicably claim there are no differences between the sexes. The idea that men can only redeem their fundamental brokenness by acting more like women is not limited to the gated community of elite academia. It permeates the nation’s mainstream reading lists. Just one example from late 2019 was the book “For the Love of Men” by Liz Plank. On the very first page, we are told toxic masculinity is more dangerous than nuclear war, followed by chapter after chapter of dodgy research in which toxic masculinity is essentially defined as any behavior Plank doesn’t like.

there's legitimate criticisms on women's part, men do commit majority of violent crimes but they also build the cities in full, bridges, die doing it too- are men going to get articles on mass presting that fact ? No.

#MenAreTrash looks better on a T-Shirt, meanwhile they're out right now building your goddam malls

First world societies need masculinity when matriarchy fails civilization and then in peacetime men need to closely emulate or turn into women or else they're problematic.

That's exactly how it works.

Where is the empathy for men? The question doesn’t require us to disregard women’s historical suffering. Rather, it simply acknowledges most men are neither predators nor abusers, and asks the same empathy and sympathy for men that our feminist society demands for women.

"-and asks the same empathy and sympathy for men that our feminist society demands for women."

So we're asking people to exercise equality between men and women......

- which is what our foremother's wanted in the first place but their daughters inherited a hybrid of privilege and Platinum First Class Protected Status, damn near ranking above the elders and children.

We're asking Feminist society to do it's fucking job, lmfao.

[ladyspitfire]

Chivalrous courteous respectful manners and etiquette would serve to be true in saying that it would only be proper to extend by the hands of an ultimate wise experienced superior or equivalent of authority official alongside to group the areas for where acting in to resolve the understanding the unethical behavior for not taking in the best interests of all those held within the government services holding the ability to assist in a secure handling to ensure the security of the united states the forms creating appropriate compensation for the painstaking work that only those for whom have dedicated an exuberant amount of effort intense training and studying to aquire the amount of knowledge needed in order to stop the government shutdowns known as the 'Ironclad'.

(Allowed to the network and officials to make public for reasons determined as worthy of notive to date progress and allow truth to the people to honor all that's been said being is it that for which the stigma creates into conspiracy may, the truth may resolve. The truth is a powerful thing. For which creates the nations constitution great)

Stupid jocks don't know the struggle of carrying around the weight of these books stuntin like they're are worth more exchange what's rightfully real honorable and noted to be actual royal still in pursuit for what's good hidden in amount the hood still representing the regulative measures held in the left hand for weighing alongside with the block in my right to niner code dodger to write in for the fiver before the president gets sniped readily and steadily capable of the dual weird custom fitted with and international exert of siel seal strategic intellectual implemented to protect correctly given in to you by god standing up for humanity and the many crimea that create better for efforts to be extended beyond oceanic waves to feel the love only one purple heart took on that lead to gathering up and under into her left and right wing to take into safe harbor to help ease the suffering THREE MORE NATIONS INTO TREATY FTC CONTRACTED AGREEMENT AS A SAVIOR WHO DESERVES MORE THAN HAVING BEEN SHOWN ALL THE DISRESPECT SHES BEEN SHOWN while bound under oath. Please lord set me free I deserve in full the right not only to be restored but to be respected and understood for these life long dedicates strategic intelligence measurements of presidential and Vatican recognizable efforts to save humanity from fuxking killing themselves while at the same time holding down the aftertaste of the toxic generational guerilla operations but still pushing the articles forth holding nothing in but glorious outcomes of her intellect and good heart that's inspirable beyond words to associate holy Mary mother of all Vatican conspiracies an illuminati so luminary even bearing her true born name never fronted nor assumed to date given aliases a many leading focuses real to reveal a woman stealthed us navy seal operative solidifying her retribution digging deep to ignite headlines all over the world as her self reflection ricochets back the holy hail Mary of all little girls to boomerang 9 collumns in one lifetime THATS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE BECOMING GUNNED DOWN WORN DOWN POISONED BLACKMAILED OR EXTORTED SO FIERCE WITH ENOUGH SWAG INFAMOUS IN SEVEN COUNTRIES A THIRD GENERATION HERO OF US PRESIDENTIAL POWER THESE ARTICLES AUTHENTIC MAY BE KEPT FOR RECORD IN THE WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE HIDDEN LIBRARY)

[ralphemerson]

Hardest "goodbye" always started with an unexpected "hello"

Have you ever wonder how people can say that they love you but eventually, will change their mind all of a sudden? As if they didn't say such words? As if they already forgotten everything? I mean, how can they do that?

In my 22 years of existence. I almost experienced all of the heartbreaks. They taught me several lessons that I eventually applied in my life. But is it really necessary to experience it three fucking times? When I entered my last relationship, I'm too scared, I'm too sceptical. I came from a failed relationship and the fear of that to repeat again made me doubt but love's too unpredictable, love always come unexpectedly, it will caught you off guard.

It was December 20, 2019, I just came home from "simbang gabi". I was so anxious that time, because you know, failing grades, with board exam on the line. I was too pressured. I was scared to fail. I downloaded this app called "Profoundly", I have no idea how to use it, but I still gave it a try. I talked with several strangers, but this "Albay girl" really caught my attention. She was inspirational AF! Like, damn! How can someone can be this good in telling advice. I became comfortable with her. We talked a lot, day and night. I decided to add her on facebook, but I'm too hesitant to hit her up but I eventually found my courage. I chat her, and there where it all started. We clicked immediately, as if we already knew each other, as if we are a long lost friend. We talked about everything under the sun and believe me! It sounds cliché but it feels like time is flying whenever I'm talking to her.

We became comfortable with each other. We even told our secrets, our personal life to each other. We both came from a failed relationship and that day, I convinced myself, if I will be her man, I will never do such thing to her. She's too precious, she's too kind and I don't even understand how people can hurt someone like her? Are they dumb? Are they out of their mind? Also that day, I said to myself that I was ready. I was ready to fall in love again. I will take care of her and I will love her like no one else did. I want this girl to be happy. I want her to forget about her past. I want her to feel special because that's what she's really are. She's too precious to be hurt. That day, I told my self, I will risk everything for her. I will love her the way she deserves to be loved. I will forever be grateful to God that He gave her to me and I will not take that opportunity for granted.

At first, it is not easy, we are both hesitant to fall in love again but eventually, we took the risk and all I can say is, IT IS ALL WORTH IT. I became happier that ever! That was probably the best decision I ever made. IT WAS SO GOOD TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. I told myself that I will do everything to make her happy because she deserves it. I know her well, I know her past. I want to be with her no matter what. DISTANCE IS JUST A NUMBER. We don't considered distance as an excuse, rather we use it as an inspiration to love each other more. It all went smoothly, we had our best life ever. We are happy, we are contented. We know that we both love each other unconditionally and that feeling is CLOUD NINE.

February 25, 2020. The day had come. Finally, I'm gonna see her for the first time! I was excited and afraid at the same time. There's the thought of what if she don't like me when she see me personally? What if this might be our first and last date? That is my thought while I'm travelling to Cubao. But when I saw her, I was in the escalator, and she's waiting for me, it feels like I saw an angel, it feels like I'm in heaven. All the doubts, all the fear got away. I was totally in shock. I was mesmerized by her beauty. The way she talk, the way she treated me, that's all that I could ask for. She's very talkative and that's the way I like it. We talked a lot, as if it is not our first time meeting each other. I never felt that excitement before. That's my first time. I was nervous but she erased it all. She's very fun to be with and I already knew to myself that I will love her with all my heart, with all my might. Those meeting of us were the best moments of my life. The AliMall date, movie date, Intramuros date, National Museum date, Luneta date and even the "bardagulan sa LRT". Those memories will gonna be treasured forever.

Novermber 17, 2020. It is my birthday! She knew me too well. She knew how much I want to celebrate my birthday, she knew how much I want surprises. That day was the best birthday EVER!!! Just what I have said earlier, distance is just a number. If you want your partner to be happy, you will do everything to make them happy, no matter what form it is. Too much surprises, it feels like I'm floating in heaven. Damn, what I have done to deserve such a wonderful girl like her? Do I really deserve this kind of blessing? It feels so unreal. It feels like I'm the most special person in the world. My 22nd birthday was so special, thanks to her. ♥️

I will never forget that day and I will forever be grateful 🤗

But not all relationships are perfect. Even how you think about how perfect and happy the relationship is, there will always be challenges. I never thought of us breaking apart. I was confident because I know she loves me and I love her even more. I trusted her too much to the point that I never suspect her about doing something horrible but I was wrong. We broke up, she fell out of love. I keep questioning why but maybe even I did my best, it will always never be enough to someone who's focus on finding what's lacking rather that appreciating the effort you exert. I accepted it, I never doubted her reason because I thought I know her well. But I found out that there's already another guy who's making her happy now. I was devastated. I never saw that coming. I feel betrayed. I was stabbed in the back. My world crushed into pieces. I'm totally lost of words. I never expected that she will do such thing. I trusted her, I believed in her promises. We both promised that we will be there for each other through thick and thin. We both promised to each other that we will never be hurt again. But maybe, promises really meant to be broken.

There's no such thing as assurance. Even if you give it all, people will always find a way to see what's lacking. They will always find a way to make you look bad and they will eventually leave you in a blink of an eye, as if you never done good to them. People tend to choose what's convenient for them. People tend to forget everything when things doesn't going on their way. Life's a bitch and we need to deal with it.

Never trust too much. Never fall in love too much to the point that there's nothing left in you. People are unpredictable. One day they are good, but there will always the day that they will fuck us big time. Always know your worth. Always know what to give up. Loving someone with all your heart will never be an assurance. Learn to love yourself. Learn to respect yourself. In this world, where people always take each other for granted, the only one who you can rely with is yourself. Don't be too gaga for someone. Don't be too emotionally attached because the day you committed yourself to others is the beginning of losing yourself for others. Learn to know your limits. Learn to love yourself.

Life's too unfair, life's too unpredictable. That's how life works. We need to deal with it. We need to be prepared for everything. We need to brace ourselves for what will happen next. Don't be too complacent because there's no such thing as assurance. Learn to be defensive, learn to know your limitations. Don't give up too much, it will haunt you in the future.

We are all afraid to be hurt. We are all afraid to be left by someone we love but one thing that I learned about is to never be afraid to fall in love again. Never be afraid to try again. Take all the risk, take all the challenges but know your limits. It is okay to be hurt rather than to have "what ifs" in your mind. Don't be afraid to love again because if the intentions are pure, God will bless us with someone we deserve. If it failed again, it will be another lesson but it will always be a blessing. Don't find love, let love find you. We all deserve someone whom we can call "home". This might not be the right time, but believe me, God has a better plan for you. Sulk all you want, cry all you want but believe me, that tears will eventually stop. No one deserves to be hurt, we are all unique in our own ways. If that people don't see that in you, remember that not all people have the same view. We are all worthy in the eye of the right person. Maybe you will suffer, but eventually it will be a blessing and a lesson learned.

Love is beautiful, love is complicated. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Don't be afraid to try again. Don't let anyone dictate you. Don't let anyone take away your rights to be happy. Just know your limits, love responsibly. As long as we are not stepping on others, then it is all good. We are all worthy, we are all deserving of love. It might not bring any good to us for now, but it is all part of the process. Even how dark the night is, the sun will shine again. The sun that will bring the beauty of life in us. We are all WORTHY. We are all UNIQUE. Don't let that experience bring the worst in you rather use it as a motivation. Always remember, YOU ARE ENOUGH TO SOMEONE WHO SEES THE BEST IN YOU. Trust God's perfect timing. TRUST THE PROCESS.

[dumbsnakefan]

Thou Shalt Love

Chapter 2: In You I Take Refuge

A/N: This took longer than expected but here it is! Also, if you want me to tag you in the next chapter please let me know!

Hidden away in a small Inn in a town surrounded by only nature, Nea watched over Allen’s prone figure. A thin layer of sweat covered his nephew’s body from exertion. His mind still tried to fight the inevitable of his awakening. Well, Nea supposed that Allen was too stubborn to ever give in so easily. Not that it wouldn’t make a difference in the end. The Noah memories were like an unrestrained storm as they tore into the brain.

Letting out an aggravated sigh Nea said to himself, “Why did that bastard Cross have to die on me like that? He always manages to piss me off.” His eye twitched as he remembered the debts the man had hoisted upon his former host. Despite all his hatred for the General there were too many questions left unanswered. From what Timcanpy had shown him Allen had forgotten everything. What’s more, he had gotten younger. It was like trying to put together a puzzle without most of the pieces.

Had Cross not had answers for that at least Nea could have used his magical skills. That four eyed idiot had done something strange and outside his own abilities. As best he could figure, however, their “separation” hadn’t accounted for the Noah gene. He could laugh if not for the absolute mess of it all.

There was something strange about this memory as well. It was like none of the others as far as he could tell. Allen’s inner Noah was swaddling him in a thorny embrace, like a babe in need of protection. Compared to his own, a destructive thing that had him clawing at his skin in agony, it was soft. Nea felt an urge to pull his nephew close and never let go again. The strangeness of Allen’s memory was oddly fitting.

Lacking any new information to dissect Nea could only move on to other things. Specifically how the Noah family would react to this. Like Nea they had to have felt the surge of a new memory breaking into the world. They would want to pull him away from the dreaded 14th as soon as they could, lest he “corrupt” their new brother. A smile stretched across Nea’s lips as he swore to keep his dearest friend by his side.

What a family reunion they’d be having. If Mana had any real sanity left Nea would have liked to share one last tender moment before the end. Fate and that detestable God were not so kind as to give any Noah such a merciful gift though. They would forever seek to destroy them for being in the way. Should Nea succeed he would put an end to their farce. His brother would be freed at long last.

Keeping Allen far away from this whole affair was very important. The attachment he’d formed with Mana could turn into a crushing weight when the truth was revealed. Those bonds of father and son were already so entangled with tragedy; Nea wouldn’t let another disaster play out. Mana’s insanity could drag them all down if left unchecked.

From what Timcanpy had shown of Allen’s time as Red, his brother had been attached at the hip with him. Nea knew that he’d forgotten it all just by the way he treated his nephew. That didn’t mean that Mana wasn’t drawn to him, oh no. Even when not a wisp of Nea’s presence had been visible the Earl had targeted Allen. Drawn like a moth to a flame, they circled each other. Now under the calming lull of the Noah memory inside Allen Mana would chase him wholeheartedly.

Then there was the other Noah to consider. Road and Joyd seemed to have the strongest bond with Allen of the family. While the others weren’t as close, they all appeared interested when interacting with him. Being a true part of the family could only grow their connection. It made Nea sick just thinking about it. The need to keep Allen close and out of their grubby hands echoed from his own Noah.

Wasn’t keeping Allen by his side the best way to make sure he was safe? Those disgusting roaches that scuttled about the Order were still searching for Allen. Nea had seen how easily they had hurt their beloved comrade. All throughout the past Timcanpy had shown Nea there had been pain. His nephew’s past was a constant spiral of suffering. Taking him away from the world that was so ready to tear him apart could only be a kindness.

Tension had built to a boiling point in Nea’s body and he forced himself to release it. In an attempt to calm down he scouted closer to the bed. A new bead of blood pooled along Allen’s stigmata that Nea wiped away. Unconsciously he pushed into the contact. Warmth bloomed in Nea’s chest. Seeing his dearest friend like this, utterly peaceful, was something he’d truly missed.

His senses registered the Noah memory shift from it’s dormant state and Nea braced for another wave of pain. More blood flowed down from Allen’s forehead as he became restless. The once lax expression of sleep twisted in pain. That’s when the screaming started, scratching Allen’s throat raw. It was hard not to wince at the sheer volume of his screams.

As the screams faded out Nea felt a new presence join them. Annoyed and reluctant to leave Allen’s side Nea turns to face the intruder. Standing before him is the Demon Eye, expression a mask of indifference. Rage so obviously simmers behind the facade but Nea finds it as threatening as a wet kitten.

His smile is packed full of malice as he says, “Didn’t know they’d let you come alone to see me kid.” The twitch of annoyance from Wisely’s reincarnation is so sweet. “You’d think with how easily I killed you last time you would all be a bit more careful.” Bloodlust oozes off Nea in waves, making the air thick with it.

Only when Allen’s scream rise back up does he stop. Nea is so tempted to return to his side to comfort him. The possibility of an attack is what holds him back. Wisely would be more than happy to slit his throat and take Allen away for good; or at least attempt to. There was no way Nea would give him that kind of opening.

“Would it kill you to be nicer, dearest 14th? I’m here to give you some friendly advice after all.” The moniker has Nea gnashing his teeth. He knows that smug bastard is enjoying himself. What an asshole.

Tilting his head Wisely says, “Like you’re one to talk. You really hold the title of world's biggest asshole.” Of course the little creep was reading his mind. Even in his new life Wisely refused to learn what privacy means.

Moving closer to the other Noah, Nea glares down with cold eyes. “Cut this bullshit and tell me why you’re really here.”

“We won’t let you keep him from us.” The brat dares to step closer to Allen and Nea watches him like a hawk for a single misstep. “You can’t hide no matter how hard you try. Someday soon we’ll bring our brother home, where he belongs.”

Something in Nea snaps. Anger grips his heart like a vice. Unwilling and unable to hold back, he shoots towards Wisely. His hand wraps around the bastard's neck. Blood drips from where his fingernails bite into WIsely’s skin as Nea squeezes his windpipe. The choked panic gives him no satisfaction. Painting the walls red with his blood is what he needs now.

His grip tightens, drawing a wheeze from the pathetic Noah. “He’s mine. Allen is mine.” Nea says with unhinged glee. “You can never take him from me. I’ll kill every single one of you if you try.”

It’s only when a burst of stabbing pain sweeps over Nea’s mind that he returns to reality. He let’s go reluctantly, Wisely falling at his feet. Such a shame he couldn’t kill him, but Nea is patient. Now is not the right time to crush Wisely beneath his foot. Later he’ll make sure to make his end painful.

Between satisfying coughing fits Wisely manages to bite out, “Ru-Road said to, guh, give you a warning for old t-times sake.” The venom behind the glare he gives Nea is almost impressive. “Shouldn’t have listened to her. You deserve to watch as your world crumbles around you and you fail.” It makes him laugh, the thought that Nea would lose to the likes of him.

Wisely’s face twists up in amusement. Nea keeps himself in check as he moves towards Allen. Fighting this close to Allen could only end in disaster. Even as the rat bastard patted his nephew’s head he held back. Truly, his restraint was worthy of the highest praise.

“I can’t wait to see what our new brother is capable of. He was already such an interesting human...” The little shit was lost in his own mind as he brushed hair off Allen’s forehead. It’s a herculean effort on Nea’s behalf to stay his hand. Perhaps killing him was worth the risk after all?

However, what Wisley said next stopped him dead in his tracks. “I do wonder why the Earl is already so attached to Allen?” What? No, this can’t possibly be happening; it’s too early. “I knew that you’d have answers. There’s something slipping just outside my reach, no matter how hard I search.”

Desperately Nea snaps his mind shut to leave only unrelated drivel in its wake. He needs to throw the Demon Eye Noah off his scent. Now. “Why don’t you ask Mana yourself?” The wince he gets is a good sign. Raising his voice and stepping into Wisley’s space Nea tells him, “Now get out of my sight.”

Gold meets gold as they assess each other for weakness. Finding nothing, Wisley moves to finally leave them be. With every step Nea feels better. On the threshold of the door, however, he turns back. Body going tense Nea prepares for whatever the creep plans to throw his way next.

“Before I go, you might want to find a new hiding place. There are some Akuma out there who aren’t very good a t playing nice.” An Explosion rocks the building, punctuating his statement. The string of curses that Nea lets out would have a sailor blushing. “Hope you enjoy yourself 14th!” His smug face watches on as Nea fumbles for their things. The Ark gate behind him swallows Wisely up but Nea pays it no mind.

Screams fill the air in a terrible crescendo of horror. With Allen out of commision Nea can only run. Scooping up his struggling nephew Nea makes sure Tim grabs their luggage. Ignoring the town below he calls up his own gate and the three disappear from sight. The humans left behind in that remote town are mowed down with mercy. Chaos creeps around every corner and the scent of blood blankets the air in a red mist. No one will discover the scene of pure carnage until weeks later.

[sasorikigai]

My muse in a relationships || @ephemeralkryonics​ || accepting (Part 1)

🤗Are they physically affectionate?

Physical touch for Hanzo is immensely important; not only is it a fundamental human necessity, but the need for affection in him is unique in the sense that even he may be perceived as “a loner,” maintaining the ability to ignore relationships with others unless the necessary ones as a Grandmaster and being a parental substitute for Takeda Takahashi, there is still a sense of emptiness that exists when he is isolated from human interaction. 

For him, affection is more than just an emotion, it can be considered by him as a most important requirement in healthy relationships. Affection is an ebb and flow between two people, where each individual is giving and receiving a certain amount of contact and interaction at all times. Whether it is through a hug, kiss or a cuddle, affection is the way he shows Kuai Liang how important he is in Hanzo’s world.

Physical intimacy between them not only strengthens the bond between them and fosters closeness, it serves as a major binder that helps them iron out the differences between them. Physical intimacy builds a stronger connection between two people by mitigating any existing negativity. Through exercising it, it would only enhance trust and a stronger sense of companionship between them.

🎶Do they have a type?

Hanzo seems to be gravitated towards emotionally strong people who he could lean against; resilient and insistent on their own, capable to meet his fire, but also being able to understand and extend compassion and perception. Emotions become the most visceral and primal external stimuli which he could exert without having the blueprint of him crumble and blur around the edges. As he is known to be volatile, impulsive and follows his heart more than his brain, it’s better than following the visceral manifestation of violence which he used to be subjugated under Scorpion’s fiery, demonic spirit. 

As I associate Kuai as a rose; for Hanzo needs that type of significant other who can balance him out. I always headcanon that Harumi’s personality would have been very similar to that of Kuai Liang’s; quiet, altruistic, emotionally strong and stable, very chill, strong-willed and a very good moral and emotional pillar for hanzo. If Hanzo Hasashi was (and still is) the most ferocious and talented Shirai Ryu warrior in all their history, Harumi would have went down as the strong matriarch of the clan, who encompassed the clan with open arms, offering words of wisdom and advice and being a good listener. She would have served a pivotal supportive role in the clan.  

😡What are their deal breakers?

His two most primordial facets include discipline and loyalty, so if someone is dubious in their morality, a perpetual liar who is distrustful and disloyal to him in any manner, there would be no forgiverance. 

Because Hanzo is such a traditionalist and heavily influenced by Confucius’ teachings, its philosophy including;

Ren, the virtue of benevolence, charity, and humanity;

Yi, of honesty and uprightness;

Zhi, knowledge;

Xin, the virtue of faithfulness and integrity;

Li, correct behavior, or propriety, good manners, politeness, ceremony, worship.

Those who cannot follow the doctrines which he had been taught - he is a proper, respectfully behaviored warrior - are not worthy of pursuing any relationships with him at any cost. Kuai Liang encompasses all of this, and considers him not only a respectable warrior, but a friend, a life companion, a lover and a soulmate. 

↕️Are they sub, dom or switch?

Hanzo is predominantly flexible (despite wanting to exercise control and much prefers being dominant) when it comes to lovemaking, but as his masculinity allows, he will expect to be in a dominant position even when he’s seemingly not. Intimate sex to him transcends the concept of sex, and it has to be significant in that both partners have to be emotionally connected and pushed together by the fate’s hand, one touch that fit, as old, idealized feelings would be relearned to his new body. For love to him isn’t something that is forged nor created, but has always been (taken away by deception and manipulation of Quan Chi). With Kuai Liang, he will expect himself to be in a dominant position simply because he’s more experienced one out of the two. 

⏰How long do their relationships tend to last?

Until the end of his living breath. For Hanzo, love binds all romantic relationships and that bond is unbreakable. Without love, he would not exist; for love makes all hard hearts gentle. Love itself grants him a sense of reassurance, self-esteem, and love for himself. Love enhances the lives of both partners in the relationship when he is in love, his emotions are at an ultimate high. It creates a bond that is not easily broken and it lasts for his lifetime.  

💍Would they ever get married?

He was married once to Harumi and he considers her as a soulmate. Although Hanzo is still mending his bleeding, septic wounds, he also has come to realization that miring in the past had been stunting his growth and development, as years and years have been spent with gnawing grief, resentment and melancholy. The desiderium, a deep longing to experience will always be there, but it’s being married (having himself absolutely devoted to responsibilities and duties that come with his marriage) that anchors his heart and settles his mind. 

🏷️Do they give their partners cute nicknames?

Hanzo is mostly a traditionalist who is proper and formal, so he would often use things like ‘beloved,’ and ‘love.’ Or he would opt to use Japanese and call Kuai “運命の人 (man of destiny; soulmate),” “あなた (you, in terns of romantic/sexual love),” or “ハンサム (handsome).” 

💋Are they more sensual or sexual?

He is essentially a sensualist, meaning he will utilize all the blazing, burnt, burning trails of his hands to trail along his significant other’s skin, roaming to paint his color upon his lover’s body. He’s vanilla when it comes to sex; there is a lot of eye contact, gentle caresses wanting sufficient time to explore his lover’s body. Essentially, it is a sacred act that chases away his negative emotions melt away. It anchors him, reminds him that he deserves happiness. He deserves a second chance at love, despite him always struggling with underlying guilt. He will be at his most vulnerable, with all the raw, unfiltered emotions spilling out as he reaches the climax. 

In essentiality, sex is feeling the sequence of his heart beating through his lover’s lips, as they create beautiful rhythm together. It becomes this peculiar thing of dualism and dichotomy, where it’s all he wants and other times it’s what he needs the least. He wants it with all of his heart, yet his gnawing guilt and limerence towards Harumi will always be there no matter what. And he’s an absolute pessimistic optimist and believes not many will love him, because of all his underlying emotions and all the pain-riddled dourness and appears indifferent and nonchalant. Even with his hardened exterior, he’s so vulnerable and soft inside. He knows of its cruelty and indescribable beauty - and all of its otherworldly, seamless perfection of stealing each other’s breaths and letting him wrecked in cornucopia of sensations. And he wants the sharp angles or his personality and beautiful lines of his body and mind to become completely abstract as he floats in the seventh heaven, as he savors it, engrave it in his memory and write songs about it as notes imprint on his lover’s skin, with everything light and good in the world, despite him not living in it.

📖What is their favorite outside of the bedroom activity to do with their partner?

It would be either sparring or spending time in the hot springs to relax. Hanzo can harbor a lot of stress within, most of which he does not get to release beyond fighting or taking a moment in nature to relax and calm down. He also likes to delve into his artistic endeavors, preferring to paint his partner in sumi-e, writing poetry, practicing caligraphy or reading. 

🛏What is their favorite bedroom activity to do with their partner?

I always imagine them being more sensual than sexual, so they would strip down naked, let their roaming hands and lips become the quenching rain that water their acrid, parched dry skin down with gossamer pitter-patters of peppered kisses and exploratory caresses that repeatedly map the coordinates of their musculature, all the imperfections and scars and all, along with the exquisite peaks and valleys of their chiseled form shining aureate under the beaming moonlight.

Their sensual, intimate, and carnal exploration could last for hours at times, The ebb and flow of time when they are entangled like this brims them with exquisite joy, exhilarating bliss and contentment, without their emotional abysmal void gnawing their unconscious, as both of them suffer from severe and lucid nightmares.

Alight brighter than the sun under Hanzo’s furnace warmth and Kuai’s misty vapor that saturate their aureate forms, through their vigorous carnal exposition of impassioned desire, gentleness and tenderness, they remind themselves that they are not alone - they are highly introverted beings who thrive in solitude and loneliness, but desire to be emotionally connected to a person, so much so that each other’s presence alone calms and numbs their pain - as the cruelty and violence of their daily lives become offset by the exploration of body, mind and soul.

💚Are they prone to jealousy?

While Hanzo has his own streaks of insecurity and paranoia, he is confident and holds himself in a high regard, and also does his significant partner. Because of his lack of jealousy, his instincts are signaling that he is in a relationship with someone who he will be fully able to trust. He can appear concerned and worried, but he will never exhibit it openly. He has high sense of self-worth, and don't feel envious of Kuai’s circumstances or relationships. For comparison is the thief of joy and Hanzo is well aware that if he is constantly stacking up his life against someone else's, chances are he will find something to nitpick. Instead, he prefers to just plainly fixate on the positives - in his life and in the lives of others that naturally involves both of them as Grandmasters and Protectors of the Earthrealm sworn to protect it until their last breath.

😘Does their demeanor change when in a relationship?

In general, people are very much affected by those around them, and not just behaviorally. A growing body of scientific evidence suggests that people’s self-concepts actually change when they’re a relationship and Hanzo is no different from the normalcy of how people act. Because their relationship is healthy; they have mutual respect towards one another and are highly intelligent, sympathetic people in their hearts. Because deep down, they are kind, responsible and emotionally resilient, so they are going to only substantially improve their chances of maintaining a stable and satisfying marriage. 

[pamphletstoinspire]

Gospel Reading and Commentary for Sunday, January 20, 2019 - Roman Catholic - John 2: 1 - 11

1. And the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there:

2. And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage.

3. And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus said to him, They have no wine.

4. Jesus said to her, Woman, what have I to do with you? mine hour is not yet come.

CHRYS. Our Lord being known in Galilee, they invite Him to a marriage: And the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee. ALCUIN. Galilee is a province; Cana a village in it. CHRYS. They invite our Lord to the marriage, not as a great person, but merely as one they knew, one of the many; for which reason the Evangelist says, And the mother of Jesus was there. As they invited the mother, so they invited the Son: and therefore, Jesus was called, and His disciples to the marriage: and He came, as caring more for our good, shall His own dignity. He who disdained not to take upon Him the form of a servant, disdained not to come to the marriage of servants. AUG. Let the proud man blush to see the humility of God. Lo, among other things, the Son of the Virgin comes to a marriage; He who, when He was with the Father, instituted marriage. BEDE. His condescension in coming to the marriage, and the miracle He wrought there, are, even considering them in the letter only, a strong confirmation of the a faith. Therein too are condemned the errors of Tatian, Marcion, and others who detract from the honor of marriage. For if the undefiled bed, and the marriage celebrated with due chastity, partook at all of sin, our Lord would never have come to one. Whereas now, conjugal chastity being good, the continence of widows better, the perfection of the virgin state best, to sanction all these degrees, but distinguish the merit of each, He deigned to be born of the pure womb of the Virgin; was blessed after birth by the prophetic voice of the widow Anna; and now invited in manhood to attend the celebration of a marriage, honors that also by the presence of His goodness. AUG. What marvel, if He went to that house to a marriage, Who came into this world to a marriage. For here He has His spouse whom He redeemed with His own blood, to whom He gave the pledge of the Spirit, and whom He united to Himself in the womb of the Virgin. For the Word is the Bridegroom, and human flesh the bride, and both together are one Son of God and Son of man. That womb of the Virgin Mary is His chamber, from which he went forth as a bridegroom. BEDE. Nor is it without some mysterious allusion, that the marriage is related as taking place on the third day. The first age of the world, before the giving of the Law, was enlightened by the example of the Patriarchs; the second, under the Law, by the writings of the Prophets; the third, under grace, by the preaching of the Evangelists, as if by the light of the third day; for our Lord had now appeared in the flesh. The name of the place too where the marriage was held, Cana of Galilee, which means, desire of migrating, has a typical signification, viz. that those are most worthy of Christ, who burn with devotional desires, and have known the passage from vice to virtue, from earthly to eternal things. The wine was made to fail, to give our Lord the opportunity of making better; that so the glory of God in man might be brought out of its hiding place: And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, They have no wine. CHRYS. But how came it into the mother’s mind to expect so great a thing from her Son? for he had done no miracle as yet: as we read afterwards This beginning of miracles did Jesus. His real nature, however, was beginning now to be revealed by John, and His own conversations with His disciples; besides that His conception, and the circumstances of His birth, had from the first given rise to high expectations in her mind: as Luke tells us, His mother kept all these sayings in her heart. Why then did she never ask Him to work a miracle before? Because the time had now come that He should be made known. Before He had lived so much like an ordinary person, that she had not had the confidence to ask Him. But now that she heard that John had borne witness to Him, and that He had disciples, she asks Him confidently. ALCUIN. She represents here the Synagogue, which challenges Christ to perform a miracle. It was customary with the Jews to ask for miracles.

Jesus said to her, Woman, what have I to do with you? AUG. Some who derogate from the Gospel, and say that Jesus was not born of the Virgin Mary, try to draw an argument for their error from this place; for, how, say they, could she be His mother to whom He said, What have I to do with you? Now who is it who gives this account, and on whose authority do we believe it? The Evangelist John. But he himself says, The mother of Jesus was there. Why should He say it, unless both were true. But did He therefore come to the marriage to teach men to despise their mother? CHRYS. That He greatly venerated His mother, we know from St. Luke, who tells us that He was subject unto His parents. For where parents throw no obstacle in the way of God’s commands, it is our duty to be subject to them; but when they demand any thing at an unseasonable time, or cut us off from spiritual things, we should not be deceived into compliance. AUG. To mark a distinction between His Godhead and manhood, that according to His manhood He was inferior and subject, but according to His Godhead supreme, He said, Woman, what have I to do with you?

CHRYS. And for another reason, viz. to prevent any suspicion attaching to His miracles: for these it was proper should be asked for by those who wanted them, not by His mother. He wished to show them that He would perform all in their proper time, not all at once, to prevent confusion; for He said, Mine hour is not yet come; i.e. I am not yet known to the persons present; nay, they know not that the wine has failed; let them find out that first; he who perceives not his want beforehand, will not perceive when his want is supplied. AUG. Or it was because our Lord as God had not a mother, though as man He had, and the miracle He was about to work was the act of His Divinity, not of human infirmity. When therefore His mother demanded a miracle, He, as though not acknowledging a human birth, when about to perform a divine work, said, Woman, what have I to do with you? As if He said, You did not beget that in Me, which works the miracle, My Divinity. (She is called woman, with reference to the female sex, not to any injury of her virginity.) But because you brought forth My infirmity, I will acknowledge you then, when that very infirmity shall hang on the cross. And therefore He adds, Mine hour is not yet come: as if to say, I will acknowledge you when the infirmity, of which you are the mother, shall hang from the cross. He commended His mother to the disciple, when about to die, and to rise again, before her death. But note; just as the Manicheans have found an occasion of error and pretext for their faithlessness in our Lord’s word, What have I to do with you? in the same way the astrologers support theirs from the words, Mine hour is not yet come. For, say they, if Christ had not been under the power of fate, He would never have said this. But let them believe what hat God says below, I have power to lay it (my life) down, and I have power to take it again: and then let them ask, why He says, Mine hour is not yet come: nor let them on such a ground subject the Creator of heaven to fate; seeing that, even were there a fatality in the stars, the Maker of the stars could not be under the dominion of the stars. And not only had Christ nothing to do with fate, as you call it; but neither have you, or any other man. Wherefore said He then, Mine hour is not yet come? Because He had the power to die when He pleased, but did not think it expedient yet to exert the power He was to call the disciples; to proclaim the Kingdom of heaven, to do marvelous works, to approve His divinity by miracles, His humility by partaking of the sufferings of our mortal state. And when He had done all, then the hour was come, not of destiny, but of will, not of obligation, but of power.

5. His mother said to the servants, Whatsoever he says to you, do it.

6. And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece.

7. Jesus said to them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim.

8. And he said to them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bore it.

9. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom,

10. And said to him, Every man at the beginning does set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but you have kept the good wine until now.

11. This beginning of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him.

CHRYS. Although He had said, Mine hour is not yet come, He afterwards did what His mother told Him, in order to show plainly, that He was not under subjection to the hour. For if He was, how could He have done this miracle before the hour appointed for it? In the next place, He wished to show honor to His mother, and make it appear that He did not go counter to her eventually. He would not put her to shame in the presence of so many; especially as she had sent the servants to Him, that the petition might come from a number, and not from herself only; His mother said to the servants, Whatsoever He says to you, do it. BEDE; As if she said, Though He appear to refuse, He will do it nevertheless. She knew His pity and mercifulness. And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece. Hydriae are vessels to hold water: hydor being the Greek for water. ALCUIN. Vessels to hold water were there, after the manner of the purifying of Jews. Among other traditions of the Pharisees, they observed frequent washingsCHRYS Palestine being a dry country, with few fountains or wells, they used to fill waterpots with water, to prevent the necessity of going to the river, if they were unclean, and to have materials for washing at hand. To prevent any unbeliever from suspecting that a very thin wine was made by the dregs having been left in the vessels, and water poured in upon them, He says expressly, According to the manner of the purifying of the Jews: which shows that those vessels were never used to hold wine. AUG. A firkin is a certain measure; as urn, amphora, and the like. Metron is the Greek for measure: whence metreta. Two or three, is not to be taken to mean some holding two, others three, but the same vessels holding two or three.

Jesus said to them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. CHRYS. But why did He not world the miracle before they had filled the waterpots, which would have been much more wonderful; inasmuch as it is one thing to change the quality of some existing substance, another to make it that substance out of nothing? The latter miracle would be the more wonderful, but the former would be the more easy of belief. And this principle often acts as a check, to moderate the greatness of our Lord’s miracles: He wishes to make them more credible, therefore He makes them less marvelous; a refutation this of the perverse doctrine of some, that He was a different Being from the Maker of the world. For we see He performs most of His miracles upon subject-matter already existing, whereas were He contrary to the Creator of the world, He would not use a material thus alien, to demonstrate His own power. He did not draw out the water Himself which He made wine, but ordered the servants to do so. This was for the sake of having witnesses of the miracle; And He said to them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. ALCUIN. The Triclinium is a circle of three couches, cline signifying couch: the ancients used to recline upon couches. And the Architriclinus is the one at the head of the Triclinium, i.e. the chief of the guests. Some say that among the Jews, He was a priest, and attended the marriage in order to instruct in the duties of the married state. CHRYS Or thus; It might be said that the guests were drunken, and could not, in the confusion of their senses, tell whether it were water or wine. But this objection could not be brought against the attendants, who must have been sober, being occupied wholly in performing the duties of their service gracefully and in order. Our Lord therefore bid the attendants bear to the governor of the feast; who again would of course be perfectly sober. He did not say, Give to the guests to drink. HILARY; Water is poured into the waterpots; wine is drawn out into the chalices; the senses of the drawer out agree not with the knowledge of the pourer in. The pourer in thinks that water is drawn out; the drawer out thinks that wine was poured in. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was, (but the servants who drew the water knew,) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom. It was not a mixture, but a creation: the simple nature of water vanished, and the flavor of wine was produced; not that a weak dilution was obtained, by means of some strong infusion, but that which was, was annihilated; and that which was not, came to be.

CHRYS. Our Lord wished the power of His miracles to be seen gradually; and therefore He did not reveal what He had done Himself, nor did the ruler of the feast call upon the servants to do so; (for no credit would have been given to such testimony concerning a mere man, as our Lord was supposed to be,) but He called the bridegroom, who was best able to see what was done. Christ moreover did not only make wine, but the best wine. And (the ruler of the feast) said to him, Every man at the beginning does set forth good wine, and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse; but you have kept the good wine until now. The effects of the miracles of Christ are more beautiful and better than the productions of nature. So then that the water was made wine, the servants could testify; that it was made good wine, the ruler of the feast and the bridegroom. It is probable that the bridegroom made some answer; but the Evangelist omits it, only mentioning what it was necessary for us to know, viz. the water being made wine. He adds, This beginning of of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee. It was very necessary to work miracles just then, when His devoted disciples were all collected, and present at the place, attending to what was going on. ID. Should any say that there is not sufficient proof of this being the beginning of miracles, because it is added, in Cana of Galilee, as if some had been preferred elsewhere: we answer, as we did before, that John says below, That He might be made manifest to Israel, therefore have I come baptizing. Now if He had performed miracles in the earlier part of His life, the Jews would not have wanted another person to point Him out. If our Lord in a short time became so distinguished for the number of His miracles, that His Name was known to every one, would He not have been much more so, had He worked miracles from His earliest years? for the things themselves would have been the more extraordinary, being performed by a Child, and in so long a time must have become notorious. It was fit and proper however that He should not begin to work miracles at so early an age: for men would have thought the Incarnation a fantasy, and in the extremity of envy would have delivered Him to be crucified before the appointed time. AUG. This miracle of our Lord’s, turning the water into wine, is no miracle to those who know that God worked it. For the Same that day made wine in the waterpots, Who every year makes wine in the vine: only the latter is no longer wonderful, because it happens uniformly. And therefore it is that God keeps some extraordinary acts in store for certain occasions, to rouse men out of their lethargy, and make them worship Him. Thus it follows, He manifested forth His glory. ALCUIN. He was the King of glory, and changed the elements because He was their Lord. CHRYS. He manifests His glory, as far as related to His own act; and if at the time many knew it not, yet was it afterwards to be heard and known of all. And His disciples believed in Him. It was probable that these would believe more readily, and give more attention to what went on. AUG. If now for the first time they believed on Him, they were not His disciples when they came to the marriage. This however is a form of speech, such as saying that the Apostle Paul was born in Tarsus of Cilicia; not meaning by this that he was an Apostle then. In the same way when we hear of Christ’s disciples being invited to the marriage, we should understand not disciples already, but who were to be disciples. AUG. But see the mysteries which lie hid in that miracle of our Lord. It was necessary that all things should be fulfilled in Christ which were written of Him: those Scriptures were the water. He made the water wine when He opened to them the meaning of these things, and expounded the Scriptures; for thus that came to have a taste which before had none, and that inebriated, which did not inebriate before. BEDE; At the time of our Lord’s appearing in the flesh, the sweet vinous taste of the law had been weakened by the carnal interpretations of the Pharisees. AUG. Now if He ordered the water to be poured out, and then introduced the wine from the hidden recesses of creation, He would seem to have rejected the Old Testament. But converting, as He did, the water into wine, He showed us that the Old Testament was from Himself; for it was as by His order that the waterpots were filled. But those Scriptures have no meaning, if Christ be not understood there. Now we know from what time the law dates, viz. from the foundation of the world. From that time to this are six ages; the first reckoning from Adam to Noah; the second, from Noah to Abraham; the third, from Abraham to David; the fourth, from David to the carrying away into Babylon; the fifth, from that time to John the Baptist; the sixth, from John the Baptist to the end of the world. The six waterpots then denote these six ages of prophecy. The prophecies are fulfilled; the waterpots are full. But what is the meaning of their holding two or three firkins apiece? Had He said three only, our minds would have run immediately to the mystery of the Trinity. Nor perhaps can we reject it, even though it is said, two or three: for the Father and the Son being named, the Holy Ghost may be understood by consequence; inasmuch as it is the love between the Father and the Son, which is the Holy Ghost. Nor should we pass over another interpretation, which makes the two firkins alluded to the two races of men, the Jews and the Greeks; and the three to the three sons of Noah. ALCUIN. The servants are the doctors of the New Testament, who interpret the holy Scripture to others spiritually; the ruler of the feast is some lawyer, as Nicodemus, Gamaliel, or Saul. When to the former then is committed the word of the Gospel, hid under the letter of the law, it is the water made wine, being set before the ruler of the feast. And the three rows of guests at table in the house of the marriage are properly mentioned; the Church consisting of three orders of believers, the married, the continent, and the doctors. Christ has kept the good wine until now, i.e. He has deferred the Gospel till this, the sixth age.

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Title: Just For Tonight

Fandom: Game of Thrones

Pairing: Jon/Sansa

Summary: With Jon having just announced his plans to sail for Dragonstone and leave Winterfell in Sansa's hands, the two try to come to terms with the changes that are about to happen and the emotions they feel at separating for the first time since they reunited at Castle Black. One-shot based on 7x02. An alternate take on Jon and Sansa's goodbye before he leaves for Dragonstone.

Rating: T (small amount of strong language).

Words: 8.8k

Read on: FF.net

Sansa enters her chambers, slamming the door closed behind her. Since winter has finally arrived, there's already a roaring fire in the hearth, which is Sansa is grateful for. Though the walk from the Great Hall back to her chambers is only a few minutes, she can feel the cold in her bones. Removing her cloak and shaking the stray half-melted snowflakes from her hair, she kneels down in front of the flames, extending her hands out so as to return the heat to her body quicker.

Her mind is frantic and unsettled, causing a ball of nausea to form at the pit of her stomach as Jon's words echo in her ears.

"Until I return the North is yours."

She shudders.

Since the day she and Jon reclaimed Winterfell he insisted that she take her place as Lady of Winterfell, but she would hear nothing of it. It doesn't matter to her that Jon is not a Stark by name, he is by blood - and more importantly, he is in her heart - which means there was no doubt in her mind that he should take their father's place as Lord of Winterfell. When Sansa heard the voices of the the lords and ladies of Winterfell chanting, "King in the North! King in the North!", she felt she was going to burst with pride and was completely assured in her decision.

Sansa has never expected nor craved leadership. Since she was a child she only wanted that which was promised to her by her mother and father - marriage to a prince who was brave, gentle and strong. She didn't care to have her own status or power, she only wanted love. A naive and childish desire that died the day her father's head was removed from his shoulders before her very eyes by the one she believed to be her prince.

Her experiences have perhaps also changed her opinion on being in a position of power herself. After all she has endured as a woman - the men she has been enslaved to and abused by - she can't deny the appeal in being a queen in her own right, of having power and agency and being answerable to no one. Her victory at the Battle of Bastards is just one instance that proves Sansa would also be worthy and capable of fulfilling her role as queen or Lady of Winterfell.

Had Jon not been by her side that day, she probably would have assumed her place as Lady of Winterfell because she was unwilling to be her faith or trust in anyone ever again. But it was Jon, the one person left in the world with whom she could trust with her life. She didn't want or need to be in a position of power, because she knew that unlike Joffrey or Ramsay, Jon would not abuse his power so as to exploit her or exert dominance over her. He would treat her as an equal, as a human being.

He proved that today when he offered her Winterfell. It's an offer she accepted without hesitation because of the conviction with which Jon spoke and belief he seems to have in her, but now she feels conflicted. The chance to show her worth, to step up and help her people in their time of need and help rebuild her home is one that means everything to her, but at the same time she is uncertain, afraid and filled with self-doubt.

Jon is his father's son - honourable and strong, an experienced military man who has led armies into battle - he was also Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. But Sansa, well...she's just Sansa.

More of Jon's words replay in her head.

"I'm leaving both in good hands."

Does he really believe that?

Having faith in herself has been key to Sansa's survival and is why even through all of the suffering she has only grown stronger and more resilient, but in this instance she cannot seem to summon even an ounce of self-belief or confidence. The only thoughts that are swimming around in her head are ones of anguish and dread.

Jon can't leave.

How will the Winterfell survive without him? How will Sansa survive without him?

She feels overwhelmed with regret at agreeing to Jon going to Dragonstone. It's a risk of unparalleled proportions which is why she protested so fiercely against it to begin with. Though Tyrion has proved himself to be trustworthy and kind in the past, that is not enough of a reason for Jon to risk his life. They know nothing of Daenerys Targaryen and there is not even a shred of proof that Dragonstone is home to the Dragonglass that Jon seeks. All they have is the word of a maester in training whom used to be a Brother of the Night's Watch, and although Jon swears that he is trustworthy, Sansa still doesn't feel very assured. Even if Sam's word is true, what if his sources are misinformed or incorrect?

Sansa left Jon in the Great Hall with his closest advisers, overwhelmed and unable to talk about the planned visit for Dragonstone. She wants to march back down there and demand that Jon stop this lunacy immediately and to remind him once again that his only place is here, but she knows that would be unwise.

Of the many similarities Jon shares with their father, his stubbornness is one and Sansa knows that any effort she makes to sway him will be in vain. She also doesn't have the energy for it. In fact, she swears she can feel a fever coming over her. There's a lingering coldness at the core of her bones, her stomach feels hollow and her head is heavy and foggy.

A knock comes at the door and on Sansa's cue, Brienne enters.

"My Lady, I just came to see if you were well and if there's anything I could get you."

"Actually, I am feeling a little unwell."

"My Lady?" Concern comes across Brienne's face in an instant as she steps forward.

"I'm sure it's nothing, but I think it's best if I get some rest."

"Of course," Brienne nods.

"I will fetch you some bed clothes, extra blankets and water. Is there anything else you need? I believe there is freshly made soup on the stove in the kitchens."

Sansa nods. "Soup would be nice, thank you, Brienne."

"My Lady."

With that Brienne bows her head and exits.

It's only minutes until she returns with what she promised. Though Brienne's strengths lie in combat, she is completely devoted to Sansa in every which way and is completely invaluable to Sansa who has grown very fond of her and finds her presence such a comfort.

The soup soothes Sansa's belly some and helps warm her insides, but still Sansa decides to rest knowing that it is the wisest course of action should she be coming down with a fever. Brienne assists her into changing into her nightdress and once she is in bed, covers her with extra blankets.

"Would you like me to stay until you fall asleep?" Brienne asks.

"No, thank you, Brienne. You may leave."

Brienne nods. "Sleep well, my Lady. I hope you wake feeling better. I will be in my chambers should you need anything."

"Thank you."

Sansa is so exhausted that she is asleep before Brienne has even left the room and with a small smile, Brienne exits, the only sounds in the room coming from the cackling fire and Sansa's steady breathing.

"So we set sail tomorrow at first light," Jon announces his voice projecting and bouncing off the walls of the Great Hall.

His advisers nod and mutter their concurrence.

"We need to prepare and ensure the ship is loaded with the necessary provisions for the journey. That means food, water and weapons enough for a crew of ten men. Now, you all have your orders and I'm enlisting Ser Davos here to oversee the preparations."

Jon gestures to Ser Davos stood beside him and Davos nods.

"Make sure you all get plenty of rest. It's going to be a long journey and we will need all of our strength."

With that Jon acknowledges his men with a nod and they all disperse.

"You're sure about this?" Davos asks once the men have cleared the hall.

"What do you think?"

"I think you know as well as I the risks involved in this but that that won't stop you from going."

Jon meets Davos' eyes. "You said it yourself. If the army of the dead get past the wall, we don't have enough men to fight."

"Aye."

"Then you have the answer to your question."

Jon gets up from his seat and walks with Davos for the exit.

"Where's the Lady Sansa?" Davos asks, causing Jon's heart to leap in his chest. "I expected she'd want to be present for the meeting."

Jon shrugs and dismisses Davos with, "Why should she be concerned with what we're discussing? She's not coming along to Dragonstone. She's staying here in Winterfell."

Jon's tone is sharp and cold, and Davos immediately senses that he has spoken out of turn.

"Of course, my Lord," Davos says. After a few moments pause he adds, "Or is it Your Grace now?"

Jon shrugs less concerned with titles and more concerned with Sansa. Davos is right, she would usually want to be present for a meeting such as this, so where is she? She left the Hall hastily after Jon announced his plans to go to Dragonstone and leave Winterfell in her hands, and he hasn't had chance to check on her because he was propelled straight into planning for the voyage.

If truth be told, he thought of nothing but Sansa during the two hours of the meeting. He was acutely aware of her absence and longed for her to be there. Though it is tradition for men to be involved in political and military affairs and for kings and lords to surround themselves with male advisers, Jon has come to rely on Sansa as being his most trusted adviser.

Even though he knows she would've no doubt protested against most of what was said during the meeting, he still wishes she had have been there. When he departs from Davos, he wastes no time in heading straight for her chambers, knowing he will be unable to rest until he has seen her.

When he arrives outside he lightly raps on her door three times before entering. He's immediately greeted with the warmth from the fire that hits him in the face and for a moment he thinks she isn't there, until his eyes drift to the bed.

He sees a flurry of red hair peering out from beneath a hoard of blankets and though he knows he should simply turn and leave, he can't help but creep closer. When he gets sight of her face, warmth radiates throughout his chest and the corners of his mouth immediately go up in the curve of a small smile. Her face is rosy, her expression peaceful and her breathing heavy but steady.

He finds himself enchanted by her as he grows ever closer. He bends down and plants a feather light, tender kiss at the center of her head. In such a deep slumber, Sansa doesn't even stir and although Jon feels compelled to stay with her, he turns to leave with the intention of returning later.

As he reaches the door he can't help but steal a glance backwards and he wonders how he will possibly find the strength to leave her tomorrow.

Sansa awakes and even as she's still returning to consciousness her thoughts are already of Jon. Stretching her arms above her head and kicking the blankets off her, she yawns and gulps down the cup of water beside her bed that Brienne left for her. She immediately notices how much better she feels and dismisses her earlier feelings as being nothing more than exhaustion.

Sleep is hardly something that has come easy to Sansa over the passing months. She's kept awake each night trembling with fear at every footstep she hears outside her door, expecting to see Ramsay's soulless black eyes grinning back at her taking pleasure in her suffering. And if it's not that that keeps her awake, it's the nightmares which are so vivid that it makes Sansa feel she is reliving it all over again.

She thought knowing Ramsay was dead would be enough for her to sleep peacefully at night, but she was wrong. Ramsay might be dead in reality, but he lives on within Sansa through the scars he inflicted on her.

In truth, Jon is the only one that helps keep the nightmares at bay and provides her with enough comfort that she can sleep. The first few nights she reunited with him at Castle Black were the first nights she slept for more than three hours straight in months, maybe even since she had left Winterfell. Uncertainty about what her nights will look like without Jon is just one of the many concerns she has about him leaving for Dragonstone.

Climbing out of bed, Sansa wastes no time in grabbing her cloak and heading outside. She may have been too cold earlier, but now she is too hot. Her skin is sweaty causing her night dress to stick to her and the under layers of her hair feel damp, particularly at the base of her neck.

She's greeted with the sight of a picturesque Winterfell, snowflakes fluttering from the grey canvas sky, flags bearing the Stark sigil waving in the wind and she inhales deeply, a smile coming across her face. It's a sight she never gets tired of. No place on earth can ever compete with home.

As though sensing her presence, Brienne emerges from her chambers and greets Sansa.

"My Lady, you're awake. How are you feeling?" she asks.

"Much better, thank you."

"I'm glad. But you really shouldn't be out here in the cold. It could bring the fever back on."

"I'll go back inside in a moment. Have you seen Jon?"

"I saw him a while ago heading towards the crypts."

Sansa nods, knowing exactly why Jon has gone there. Whenever he has something weighing heavily on his mind he pays a visit for their father. She assumes imagining what father would do or say in his situation helps him make decisions. Though Sansa understands it, she doesn't necessarily approve. She meant what she said to Jon the other day. Ned made stupid mistakes that lost him his head and Sansa couldn't bear for Jon to do the same.

"Come on now, let's get you back inside," Brienne says gesturing for Sansa's chambers.

Just as Sansa is about to turn to head inside she sees a flustered Jon come blustering out of the crypts, his cloak flapping behind him as he storms through the snow. Immediately Sansa steps forward and peers down at the courtyard to see Littlefinger exit the crypts moments later, his hand around his neck. Intuition tells her that whatever happened in the crypt between Jon and Littlefinger can't be good and she sighs deeply. As though he can feel her eyes on him, Littlefinger lifts his head and instantly meets Sansa's eyes. A complacent smirk comes across his face causing Sansa to shiver with revulsion and he bows his head in her direction, before taking off.

"I don't like him being around," Brienne comments.

"No one does," Sansa replies.

She decides to put Littlefinger from her mind and returns to her chambers with Brienne on her heels.

"Is there anything I can get you?"

"I'd like a bath."

Brienne nods.

"And could you also send for Jon? Invite him to my chambers to eat dinner in private. I'd like to have the chance to speak with him."

"Of course, my Lady," Brienne says.

"Thank you."

Sansa smiles gratefully at Brienne and she leaves to see to Sansa's requests.

The rest has provided Sansa with the lease of energy she hoped it would. Now all she wants is to speak with Jon.

A million thoughts are floating around in her head and though she's not quite sure which ones to share with him or how she'll even articulate them, she knows she has to try.

Jon can feel his heart pounding in his chest and his blood feels like red hot lava racing through his veins. His fists are clenched so hard that his knuckles are white and his body shakes uncontrollably beneath him. He has never quite felt rage like this before.

That fucking cunt Littlefinger.

Gods, he knows exactly how to push Jon to his extremes. How Jon retrained himself from strangling the life out of him right there and then is a mystery to him. Had it not been for the fact that the Battle of the Bastards would've been lost without him, he's sure he would have.

"I love Sansa as I loved her mother."

How dare he speak of Sansa that way. How dare he speak of her at all.

He;s the one that sold her to the Boltons as though she were an object, one he had the audacity to believe he had ownership of. The very thought of it sickens Jon to his stomach. Accepting the dreadful abuse and exploitation Sansa has suffered is something he still cannot do. He wishes he could change it every second of every day, that he could turn back time and save her from having to endure such horrors, but he can't. All he could do is deliver Ramsay to her and he did.

Now Ramsay's dead, but Littlefinger isn't and Jon is filled with rage and hatred at that fact. Littlefinger is to blame for what happened to Sansa and that is something he can never forget nor forgive. And he had the nerve to stand there and claim to love her? What the fuck does that cretin know about love?

Though it was never spoke of in Jon's presence, he's perceptive enough to know about Littlefinger's obsessive unrequited love for Catelyn. It was inappropriate and unwanted by both Catelyn and his father (which is of no surprise) and the transference of his feelings from Catelyn to her young daughter is certainly unwanted by Sansa and Jon.

Gods, he'd give anything to kill him. But he's a king now and kings must be able to set their personal emotions aside for the sake of their kingdom.

Jon storms past the guards stood outside his chambers and slams the door shut with incredible force, unable to contain his anger. A sleeping Ghost jerks awake and instantly comes over to greet Jon, sensing his distress.

Ghost licks his hand and Jon scratches his head. "Hello, boy," he greets him with quietly.

Jon inhales and exhales deeply, attempting to gain control of his emotions.

Since the day he first saw Sansa at Castle Black he knew with absolute certainty that he would do anything to keep her safe, but he didn't quite realise just how strongly he would grow to feel about it. At first, his vow to protect Sansa was more as a result of Jon wanting to fulfill his brotherly duties and honour what Ned and Robb would wish for him to do, but now it was so much more than that.

He doesn't just keep Sansa safe out of obligation, loyalty or duty to his family, it's for her - and for him too. Protecting her is no longer a conscious choice, it's an instinct - something inexpiable that he feels deep at his core that explodes out of him whenever the need arises. He didn't choose to grab Littlefinger around the throat and pin him against the wall, he did it without even a second thought. Just as he lost control the day of the Battle of the Bastards when he beat Ramsay until his face was a mess of red and purple. He never would've stopped either, if it hadn't been for the sound of Sansa's voice calling his name.

Jon's thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Enter."

A moment later Brienne's face appears. "Your Grace."

Jon was still getting used to that. "My Lord." "Your Grace." "My King". All titles feel so alien and wrong to him, particularly after a lifetime of being called "the bastard."

"My Lady. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Lady Stark has asked me to invite you to her chambers to dine with her this evening."

Jon's heart skips a beat and he eagerly accepts. "I would like that. I'll inform the lords and ladies that Sansa and I shan't be eating with them this evening."

Brienne nods. "I will let Lady Stark know."

"Is she alright? Sansa? Only I came by her chambers earlier this afternoon and she was sleeping."

"She was unwell and believed she was coming down with a fever, so thought it was best she got some rest," Brienne informs him.

"But she's feeling better?"

"Yes, Your Grace."

Jon nods and smiles. "Thank you."

With a small bow, Brienne leaves and in a fraction of a second Jon's mood has completely transformed. All ill feeling has disappeared from his body and mind and the darkness that consumed him only moments ago has now been replaced with light.

He wastes no time in heading for the Great Hall to inform his people that he and Sansa will be absent from dinner tonight and armed with some treats from the kitchen, he practically skips to Sansa's chambers with Ghost close on his heel. He doesn't even think about the grueling topics of conversation about Dragonstone that are inevitably going to be brought up, because all he cares about is that he is going to be spending the evening with Sansa. Though he spends many hours of the day in her presence, it is so rare for the two of them to spend time alone together and it is something he so very much enjoys.

With three knocks at her door, Jon stands outside only ten minutes after Brienne has informed him of Sansa's invite to eat dinner with him. So eager to see her, Jon doesn't bother to wait for her to respond and enters.

He is greeted with the sight of naked flesh that turns his blood to ice and paralyses him. Though he doesn't want to, Jon can't help but stare at the stunning figure before him with porcelain skin and perfect curves.

Sansa has her back to him and when she realises Jon is in the room she hastily pulls her dress over her head to cover herself.

"S-S-Sansa, I'm sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry." Jon stumbles over his apologies as he rushes to exit the room, mortified at himself for violating her in this way. "I should've waited for your permission to enter."

Sansa is flushed and extremely embarrassed, but beckons Jon to stay understanding that it was nothing more than an accident.

"I should've locked the door. It's my fault."

"No, I shouldn't have- I really think I should just go," Jon insists not knowing how to recover from this most embarrassing encounter.

"Truly, Jon, it's okay," Sansa reassures him.

Jon doubts her and wonders if she is merely pretending she is fine when she's not. Silence extends between them and the air is thick with tension. Jon can scarcely breathe because of it and it is Sansa who makes an effort to break it.

"Something smells good," she says.

"Um...yeah, I had the cook make you some soup like the one you enjoyed at Castle Black. Do you remember?"

"Oh, yes," Sansa replies. "But I can smell something else, too. Something sweet."

"Lemon cakes."

Sansa's eyes widen as she practically squeaks, "Lemon cakes?"

Jon laughs lightly at her reaction. "I wasn't sure you'd be up to eating them. Brienne said you were feeling unwell."

Sansa nods. "I was, but I think I was just tired. A little rest and I feel fine."

"That's good."

"I'm certainly well enough to eat lemon cakes."

Jon meets Sansa's eyes and she raises her eyebrows at him playfully, then they both break out into laughter.

"I told the lords and ladies we wouldn't be in the hall for dinner this evening," Jon tells her. "I also asked for no interruptions-"

"Jon, you're King now. The people are looking to you to lead them, you can't just switch off from your duties."

"If you'd let me finish, I was going to say I asked for no interruptions unless it's urgent."

"Oh."

"Yes. 'Oh'," Jon says, unable to stop the amused smile from coming across his face.

"What is all of this for?" Sansa asks. "The soup, the lemon cakes, the no interruptions?"

"Weren't you the one that invited me to your chambers for dinner?"

"Yes, but-"

"I wanted us to have the chance to speak privately."

Sansa swallowed, not liking the sound of that. She decides not to question him further on it, not wanting to know what it is he has to say to her yet. She wants at least a short amount of time to just be with him.

Sansa pulls two chairs in front of the fire and gestures for Jon to sit. He hands her some soup and she cups it in her hand and sips it. Though she had soup only hours ago, she enjoys it every bit as much as she did then, if not even more so. The flavours are entirely different and she closes her eyes and sighs, the memories of Castle Black flooding her mind. Since the day she left Winterfell, there are not many memories Sansa can look back on as being fond ones, but that day is one she knows she will treasure forever. Believing she would never again see a member of her family alive was a reality she came to accept, though it broke her heart and quite frankly, made her want to turn to ash just to be with them once more. So to see Jon's face looking back at her, to feel his arms around her holding her tight, warmth and flesh and beating heart against hers...it's an emotion she can't even begin to put into words. An elation and joy unparalleled by anything else she's ever felt.

Jon once again can't help but stare, unable to break his eyes away from Sansa. Her red hair glows from the flames of the fire and she looks every bit as peaceful and contented as she did that night at Castle Black. So strange that although she was the sibling he was most estranged from and knew least when they were children, once he was reunited with her he felt closer to her than he had to any other person - except perhaps Ygritte. For all their differences as children, their shared love for their family and ties to home were enough to unite them against all foes and though they butt heads on a regular basis Jon would have it no other way. Sansa is part of him.

Feeling his gaze on her, Sansa lowers the bowl of soup onto her lap and her eyes flit over to Jon. If any other man had walked in on her half naked only minutes ago, she would not allow nor feel comfortable to have that man sitting so near to her, his eyes boring into her so intently, but this is Jon. Not only does she trust him with her entire being, she takes comfort in his dark eyes which speak so much even when his mouth is silent. Their eyes remain on each other for a beat, both lost in the moment.

"No Ghost this evening?" Sansa asks.

"I left him outside."

"Aw!" Sansa exclaims. "But it's so cold out. Go fetch him inside," Sansa insists gesturing towards the door. Though Ghost is not her own direwolf and could never replace lady whom Sansa still misses often, having Ghost around comforts her.

Jon goes to the door and calls Ghost's name. The large, direwolf enters and shakes his fur, droplets of water flying off in all directions.

"Oh, Ghost!" Jon exclaims the water having covered him.

Sansa chuckles lightly.

"Now, get over there and dry off," Jon tells him pointing to towards the fireplace.

Ghost obediently wanders over to the foot of the hearth and curls up near Jon's seat. Jon brushes himself down and wipes the water from his face with the back of his hand, then sits back down and pats Ghost on the head.

"I saw you leaving the crypts earlier," Sansa says, unable to refrain from asking Jon about it a moment longer.

Jon gulps a mouthful of soup down loudly and his eyes and mood change in an instant.

"And Littlefinger too," she adds.

Sansa pauses for a moment, her eyes fixated on Jon as she studies his reaction.

"Dare I ask what happened?"

Jon tenses his jaw and feels his heart rate spike, the mere mention of Littlefinger causing his fury to resurface.

"Don't talk to me about him," Jon spits through gritted teeth.

"Whatever he said, ignore him. Everything Littlefinger does and says is calculated. He's a manipulator who preys on a person's vulnerability and exploits it for his own gain or pleasure. He just wants a reaction from you. Be smarter than him, don't give it to him."

Jon knows Sansa is right, but he can't suppress or control the rage that Littlefinger evokes in him no matter how hard he tries. He does prey on a person's vulnerability and clearly he knows that Jon's is Sansa and if he didn't before he certainly does now.

"What did he say to you?"

Jon looks to her and shakes his head.

"What? What is it? What did he say?" Sansa questions more firmly.

"He said... He said he loves you." Just repeating the words makes Jon want to gag. "That he loves you the way he loved your mother."

The moment he's said it, Sansa takes a sharp breath in and her heart ceases to beat for what feels like an eternity. Though Littlefinger has made no effort to conceal his true feelings from Sansa, she still finds herself surprised to learn this. Not because he's admitted to his feelings, but because he chose to share them with Jon. Why would he do that?

Jon keeps his gaze on the floor and Sansa asks, "And what did you do?"

"What do you think I did?"

"Jon," Sansa says firmly, her intense eyes on him.

"I threatened him. Told him that if he touched you I'd kill him... And I meant it."

Sansa's heart resumes beating at a increased rate, the conviction of Jon's words and intensity of his gaze causing her insides to react in a way she's never experienced before. She doesn't understand what it means or why it's happening, and all she can do is just feel it.

Completly unbeknownst to her, a whirlwind of emotion is present within Jon too, a feeling he has become accustomed to recently whenever he is in Sansa's presence. Naturally it is something he dismisses, overlooks or diminishes, unable to face the reality of having to analyse and decipher the reason why he's feeling this way.

Again, Sansa is the one to change the subject and asks how the meeting went this afternoon. Jon goes on to inform Sansa of what was discussed and his plans for the impending visit to Dragonstone whilst she listens intently.

"So the success of this plan lies solely on the shoulders of Daenerys Targaryen? The daughter of the Mad King?" Sansa scoffs. "I'm beginning to wonder if you're the mad one around here."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jon asks.

"It means that this is a suicide mission!" Sansa exclaims. "You know nothing about this woman and everything you do know makes her an immediate threat. An army of Unsullied and Dothraki, three grown dragons! What if she perceives you to be a threat? An enemy? She could have you burnt to ash in a second."

"I said I would leave Winterfell in your hands and you agreed," Jon reminds her. "I thought that meant I had your support."

"Yes, well I-I-I wasn't thinking clearly. I was surprised. But I stand by what I said before. Jon, this is too dangerous and you're needed here at Winterfell. Your people need you." I need you, she thinks.

"Like I said, I'm leaving them in good hands."

Sansa sighs and shakes her head.

"I've told you about the Army of the Dead, the Night King, the things I've seen..." Jon inhales deeply and puts his hand to his head. "If you'd seen them you'd understand why I have to do this."

Sansa doesn't have to see the Army of the Dead with her own eyes to know they are a very real and terrifying threat. And not just because she trusts Jon's word, but because she sees how haunted Jon is by the things he's seen, hears his screams from the nightmares that keep him awake at night and is witness to the burning desire to defeat them no matter the cost which consumes him every moment of every day.

"I know we have to defeat them," Sansa says her voice soft. "But what if Sam is mistaken? How does he know there's Dragonglass below Dragonstone?"

"Sam was one of my closest friends when I was with the Night's Watch. I consider him to be my own brother as much as Robb, Bran or Rickon, and I trust him with my life. And even if it turns out not to be true and there is no Dragonglass, Daenerys Targaryen still has men that can fight in our war. Men that we need if we have even a chance of winning."

Sansa opens her mouth to argue, but before she has the chance Jon continues with, "Everything we went through to reclaim Winterfell and anything we do now to rebuild it...it will all mean nothing if the dead aren't stopped."

At once Sansa is completely silenced, because how can she argue with that?

With a sigh Sansa asks, "When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow at dawn."

Her eyes go wide and her heart sinks. "T-Tomorrow?"

"Aye."

"So that's what this was all about. The soup, the lemon cakes. You're just trying to placate me before you go sailing off for Dragonstone."

Jon hangs his head and smiles, then looks back up at her and says, "Now, would I do that to you?"

Sansa frowns at him, her face serious, but can't help but break out into a laugh.

"I suppose there's no changing your mind then?"

"Nope."

"I should have known to argue with you would be a waste of breath. You are every bit as stubborn as father was."

Jon chuckles. "Yeah, and so are you."

"I am n-" Sansa goes to argue but stops herself mid-sentence, realising that to engage would only prove Jon's point.

Jon chuckles harder with amusement and Sansa shakes her head at him. "Oh, shut up," she snipes playfully.

Jon realises how much he'll miss this. Laughter, smiling, joy, are all things that only Sansa seems to bring out in him these days and he realises how grey his world will become without her around. Even if the separation is only be temporary, the mere thought of it still causes his chest to tighten.

As though she is feeling the exact same emotions and thinking the exact same thoughts as he is, Sansa asks, "How long will you be gone?"

"Could be weeks, could be months." Jon doesn't add the possibility of "never" to the list, not wanting to accept that it's a very real and daunting possibility. He may be dead before the year is over or worse a prisoner forced to kneel to a ruler he neither chose nor wanted. "The voyage should last a week if the seas are kind, but how long we will be at Dragonstone is impossible to say."

"How many men are you taking with you?"

"Ten."

"Just ten?" Sansa asks, horrified.

"Any more than that will look like a threat."

"But ten? Jon, it's not enough."

"It's plenty."

This time Sansa relents more easily and doesn't even attempt to argue back. "And you have everything you need?"

Jon nods. "I left Davos to oversee that everything is ready for morning."

Sansa nods unsure of what else to say that other than, "Please, don't go. Stay, for me." But she knows she can't say either of those things because they are irrational, unjustified and selfish.

Silence fills the room for a few moments, the only sounds being the cackling fire and Ghost's light snoring.

"Are you sure about your decision to leave Winterfell in my hands? Do you really think it best?" Sansa asks, much to Jon's surprise.

He shifts in his seat so that his body is pointed towards her and says, "Would I have said it if I didn't mean it? You're a true Stark, the Lady of Winterfell. You won the Battle of the Bastards, you reclaimed our home yourself, earned the love of your people and now it is your turn to rule."

Sansa can't help but bow her head modestly and blush at the compliment. Jon's belief in her is enough to restore at least some of self-belief she has been lacking in today.

"Thank you, Jon."

"You're welcome. Now we should finish our soup before it gets cold."

"I am finished," Sansa says holding out her empty bowl for him.

"Seven hells, you eat fast," he exclaims with a light laugh.

Sansa smiles. Jon lifts his tankard from beneath his chair and takes a swig.

"May I?" Sansa asks extending her hand out.

Jon pulls the tankard in closer to his chest and narrows his eyes at her. "Remember what happened last time at Castle Black."

Jon smiles fondly at the memory of Sansa coughing and spluttering from the repugnant taste of Castle Black's ale.

"Yes, but Winterfell's ales are much sweeter."

Jon relents and hands Sansa the tankard as she requests. She takes only a small sip and pulls a face of disgust just as she did that night at Castle Black. Jon finds it every bit as funny as he did then and responds with, "Told you."

Sansa hands Jon back his tankard and announces, "I'll have Brienne fetch some wine."

"Since when do you drink wine?"

"Since now."

Jon raises his eyebrows at her.

"What?"

Jon simply shakes his head.

"What?" Sansa questions again more insistently.

Jon holds his hands up. "Nothing, nothing. Just thinking how I don't want to be the one cleaning up your sick because you can't hold your wine."

Sansa scoffs. "And who says I can't hold my wine?"

Jon laughs. "I know you can't."

"Is that so?"

Sansa gets up from her seat, disappears outside and returns a few minutes later.

"Brienne's on her way to fetch us some wine from the kitchens, so we'll see who can hold their alcohol best."

"I'm supposed to be your responsible big brother. Not sure if I should let you get blind drunk," Jon says with a shake of his head.

"I won't be getting blind drunk and besides, I'm not a little girl anymore," Sansa says standing in front of him.

Jon looks up at her and smiles. "I know you're not a little girl anymore."

"And seeing as you're leaving tomorrow, it's just for tonight. Right?"

Jon nods. "Aye, just for tonight."

Brienne comes to the door then, jug of wine in hand and Sansa goes to retrieve it from her. Jon sits with a genuine smile of unadulterated joy on his face and ponders on how this is the best possible way for him to spend his final hours in Winterfell. Though the feelings of dread and melancholy are already niggling at him as the thoughts of leaving tomorrow play on his mind, he is determined to push them aside to fully enjoy and appreciate this evening. After all, it will be weeks before he sees Sansa again. It may even be the last time.

No, Jon can't even bear to think it. The thought of taking leave of this world and of her, of leaving her a lone wolf, unprotected and without love makes him feel his soul is being torn in two. Every instinct in his body is screaming at him to not climb aboard that ship tomorrow morning, but he is duty bound and his honour compels him to do the right thing. Whether it is his responsibility or not, he will do everything in his power to save his people and the world from the dead. If that means being apart from Sansa for a long while, risking his life and his freedom, well, it's just a price he will have to pay.

Hours pass and Jon and Sansa's negative thoughts and emotions are completely erased from their minds as they engage in playing cards, chess and drinking wine. Sansa's flair for cards took Jon by surprise and brought their competitive sides out.

"I have many hidden talents that you are yet to see," Sansa bragged.

"Well, we'll see how well you fair against me," Jon rebutted.

Much to Jon's dismay he failed to win even a single game of cards and eventually decided that they should switch to chess causing Sansa to accuse him of being a sore loser.

Any tension that may have been between them is obliterated and there is not even a moment silence as they chat and chuckle together. Their laughter bounces off the walls and fills the room, and even if it's just for tonight, they're happy. Truly happy.

Although she's only had two glasses of wine, Sansa is feeling the effects proving Jon's point that she cannot hold her alcohol, though she's determined not to let him know that. She's never been drunk before and the new sensations are intriguing and pleasant. She feels lighter and more carefree. Though conversation and laughter always comes easier with Jon than with anyone else, it is even more so now and Sansa revels in the feeling of it. No wonder so many adults spend their days and nights getting drunk, she thinks, this is amazing!

"Checkmate!" Jon calls out.

"What?" Sansa frowns in confusion looking down at the chess board. "No, that can't be right. You cheated!"

"The proof is right there in front of you, I won. I guess you're hidden talents don't extend to chess," Jon teases.

"No, you must've cheated. Ghost, did he cheat?" Sansa asks looking over to the direwolf sat beside Jon. His red eyes shift from the chessboard to her and he tilts his head to the side as though he understands her question.

"See? Even Ghost agrees."

Jon titters lightly. "Ignore her, boy. She's just a sore loser," Jon says to Ghost.

"Hey!" Sansa protests, slapping Jon playfully on the arm. "I'm not the sore loser around here, you are."

Sansa cannot recall feeling so free since she was a child and she never wants this feeling to end. Right now nothing matters. Not the dead, Cersei, Daenerys, the Iron Throne, Baelish - none of it. All there is is here and now.

Nothing pleases Jon so much as being able to see Sansa this way. For the first time she actually seems her years and he even feels his too. He feels youthful and it is the only time he can recall feeling the weight of the Army of the Dead being off his shoulders.

The door knocks and Jon and Sansa's hearts sink, knowing their evening is likely about to be ruined. Sansa answers the door to reveal Ser Davos.

"Lady Sansa."

"Ser Davos."

Jon gets up from his seat and walks over to the door.

"Your Grace."

"What is it, Ser Davos?" Jon asks impatiently.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Your Grace, I just wanted to inform you that the ship has been loaded and we have everything necessary for the voyage South."

Though Jon instructed Davos he should not be interrupted unless it was urgent, he simply thanks him for letting him know and Davos bids him goodbye, wishing him a night of well rest.

The moment the door is closed Jon turns to Sansa, her mood having been completely transformed. Her body is limper, the light in her eyes has dimmed and her face is somber. All Jon wants is to continue with their evening, but he can see that there is no salvaging it now. Davos has brought with him the dark cloud of reality and there is no escaping from underneath it.

"Shall we have another game?" Jon says walking over to the table and taking his seat across from Sansa, attempting to hide the blue mood that has suddenly overtaken him.

Sansa shakes her head, places her hands on the table and pushes her chair back, getting to her feet. The wine that was responsible for amplifying her feelings of contentment seems to have suddenly turned to poison in her blood stream and she is overwhelmed with sorrow. Usually she would have the resolve to hide her emotions and soothe herself, but in this instance she's unable to and cannot stop her thoughts from pouring out of her head unfiltered.

"Jon must you go?" she turns and asks.

Jon sighs deeply. "We've spoke of this. I have no choice. I won't be gone any longer than a month. The time will pass by quickly."

"Not quickly enough."

"I have every faith in you, Sansa. You're the queen the people need."

"It's not me I'm worried about," she admits.

"Tyrion wouldn't have invited me if their intentions were to kill me. I believe that."

"And what if you're wrong?"

"Like I keep saying, it's a risk I have to take."

Sansa is not comforted by Jon's words and paces the room anxiously, her hand to her head. Jon cannot stand to see her so unsettled and continues to say whatever he can to soothe her.

"We have both survived so much, sacrificed and endured so much to be standing here right now. We will do so again. I believe that too. Winterfell will remain standing with me gone and-"

"But I won't."

The words have left Sansa's mouth before she has chance to stop them and when she realises what she's just said she nervously meets Jon's eyes.

He parts his lips and hesitates to speak, as though terrified to say the wrong thing. "You've survived worse."

Though she knows it's true that she's survived so much worse, in this moment it doesn't feel that anything could be worse than this. The thought of parting from Jon is breaking her.

Sansa hangs her head in her hands, overcome with emotion and embarrassed at her weakness. Jon steps towards her wanting to desperately close the distance between them and comfort her.

He stops a few feet from her and after a minute or so she looks back up at him, tears reflected in her eyes.

"I'm afraid, Jon."

Something inside Jon breaks to hear her say that. He doesn't want her to feel afraid, not ever. But though he can protect her physically, not even he can protect her from herself, from her own demons, thoughts and emotions.

"There's no need to be afraid. Why are you afraid?"

"Because you may never come back."

Jon is afraid of the very same thing. No, scrap that, he's terrified, but he refuses to let Sansa see that.

"I told you, I'll be alright and I will come back. If I believed my life was in danger I wouldn't go."

She rolls her eyes and scoffs. "Yes, you would. I know you, Jon. You're honourable, loyal and kind. You don't care about any of this," she gestures around her. "Ruling Winterfell and being king is just something that was offered to you because you earned it because of your bravery, but you never really wanted it. You'd risk yourself and give your life in a heartbeat if it meant securing a way to defeat the Night King and Army of the Dead. That matters to you more anything else in the world."

Jon hangs his head and inhales deeply. "That's not true."

When he looks up to Sansa, her blue eyes are wide in wonderment and without a moments hesitation he steps forward and reaches his hand out to her. She steels herself, her spine going rigid as Jon's hand lands on her hair and sweeps it behind her ear, his hand resting on her cheek.

"I'll find a way to defeat the dead and then I will come back to you. I promise."

There is such truth and conviction in his words that it makes her tremble. Jon keeps his intense gaze on her and they remain stood this way - just inches apart, so close they can feel each other's body warmth and the thud of the other's heart - for countless minutes.

Jon knows he should let his hand drop down by his side and back away from her, but an inexplicable force keeps him rooted to the spot. He's paralysed, unwilling and unable to rip himself away from her. What is happening to him?

Sansa isn't sure if it's the wine, but she feels dizzy, as though her head is spinning off into infinity and the only thing that is keeping her grounded is the sight of Jon's dark eyes on hers, which are reflected with such devotion and the feel of his flesh against hers. Her eyes unwillingly flit down to his lips just at the very moment his go to hers and he begins to lean into her.

All breath leaves Sansa's body and she wonders if this is real or merely a dream. She knows she should step away and put an end to whatever is about to happen, but she can't.

"It's just tonight. Just for tonight", she thinks.

As Jon's face grows ever closer to her, he begins to lift upwards until his lips make contact with the center of her head. Sansa's entire body sinks and she feels as though she's taken a forceful blow to her stomach which makes it difficult to breathe.

Jon's lips linger on her hot skin and it takes every ounce of strength in his body to pull away from her. As he does ever so slowly, his eyes remain on her lips, and he feels a yearning so incredibly fierce that it makes him quiver.

When he finally meets her gaze it's just in time to see the tears that are falling from her eyes. Jon shakes his head and it physically pains him to see Sansa's anguish. He knew it would be difficult to leave her, but he had no idea it would be this heartbreaking.

He tenderly wipes the tears from her hot cheeks with his hands and she lets her eyelids flutter closed, his touch making her ache.

"Jon?" Her voice is thick with emotion, suppressed sobs fighting their way through her throat. "Will you stay with me please? Just for tonight?"

Although in his heart Jon wants to say, "Yes, I will stay with you forever," he doesn't.

Instead he says, "Yes, I'll stay with you. Just for tonight".

Because despite what is in their hearts, tonight is all they have.

[ladyspitfire]

Chivalrous courteous respectful manners and etiquette would serve to be true in saying that it would only be proper to extend by the hands of an ultimate wise experienced superior or equivalent of authority official alongside to group the areas for where acting in to resolve the understanding the unethical behavior for not taking in the best interests of all those held within the government services holding the ability to assist in a secure handling to ensure the security of the united states the forms creating appropriate compensation for the painstaking work that only those for whom have dedicated an exuberant amount of effort intense training and studying to aquire the amount of knowledge needed in order to stop the government shutdowns known as the 'Ironclad'.

(Allowed to the network and officials to make public for reasons determined as worthy of notive to date progress and allow truth to the people to honor all that's been said being is it that for which the stigma creates into conspiracy may, the truth may resolve. The truth is a powerful thing. For which creates the nations constitution great)

Stupid jocks don't know the struggle of carrying around the weight of these books stuntin like they're are worth more exchange what's rightfully real honorable and noted to be actual royal still in pursuit for what's good hidden in amount the hood still representing the regulative measures held in the left hand for weighing alongside with the block in my right to niner code dodger to write in for the fiver before the president gets sniped readily and steadily capable of the dual weird custom fitted with and international exert of siel seal strategic intellectual implemented to protect correctly given in to you by god standing up for humanity and the many crimea that create better for efforts to be extended beyond oceanic waves to feel the love only one purple heart took on that lead to gathering up and under into her left and right wing to take into safe harbor to help ease the suffering THREE MORE NATIONS INTO TREATY FTC CONTRACTED AGREEMENT AS A SAVIOR WHO DESERVES MORE THAN HAVING BEEN SHOWN ALL THE DISRESPECT SHES BEEN SHOWN while bound under oath. Please lord set me free I deserve in full the right not only to be restored but to be respected and understood for these life long dedicates strategic intelligence measurements of presidential and Vatican recognizable efforts to save humanity from fuxking killing themselves while at the same time holding down the aftertaste of the toxic generational guerilla operations but still pushing the articles forth holding nothing in but glorious outcomes of her intellect and good heart that's inspirable beyond words to associate holy Mary mother of all Vatican conspiracies an illuminati so luminary even bearing her true born name never fronted nor assumed to date given aliases a many leading focuses real to reveal a woman stealthed us navy seal operative solidifying her retribution digging deep to ignite headlines all over the world as her self reflection ricochets back the holy hail Mary of all little girls to boomerang 9 collumns in one lifetime THATS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE BECOMING GUNNED DOWN WORN DOWN POISONED BLACKMAILED OR EXTORTED SO FIERCE WITH ENOUGH SWAG INFAMOUS IN SEVEN COUNTRIES A THIRD GENERATION HERO OF US PRESIDENTIAL POWER THESE ARTICLES AUTHENTIC MAY BE KEPT FOR RECORD IN THE WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE HIDDEN LIBRARY)

[elizabethrobertajones]

About Destiel... Someone close to me who loves Spn and chat with me and all that but doesn't involve in Tumblr, or fanarts or whatever bc of man stereotypes (those are crap, really) told me yesterday that Dean was egocentric. I was like Are you fúcking kidding me, but he explained that there is a very thin line between hate and love, and for Dean to hate himself he had to have loved himself before, or something like that. I think it's interesting, so i wanted to know your opinion about this

Pfft, Tumblr cooties. 

I have to say I didn’t expect that logic to go where it did :P

I think Dean has a lot of anxiety and obvious self-esteem issues, but if I was going to look at him as being egocentric I’d be much more interested in examining his personal relationships than that… I’ve been musing on this while drinking my morning coffee (and sorry, this is going to be a headache & coffee reply :P) and thinking about Dean would ever have loved himself for that to turn into hate by that logic. 

I could think of 2 suggestions for how you could get to self-hate from there - the acceptably selfish love he’d have learned for himself as a kid while Mary was still alive (someone deserving of hugs and having the crusts cut off his sandwiches) and would have been destroyed under the burden of having to put himself second or third in the family unit, especially to Sam, once they’re on the road and he’s sort of raising Sam as the stand-in mother from age 4 onwards… Dean suffers from more and more extreme arcs about the loss of self, but the first “version” of Dean is one he lost early on and might have been the only Dean really able to uncomplicatedly love himself and believe himself worthy of that love, even if it’s in that way where to a 4 year old of course they’re the centre of the universe :P

There’s also a more complex thought I had and sorry, this is first thing in the morning for me so I hope I can explain properly… (Also this reply gets really long because of that… Sorry :P)

Looking at Dean’s self-loathing backwards, in how he ever expresses positive things about himself, I’m coming up mostly with all the snarky cutesy comments about how awesome he is and so on, which is pretty much always a great big helping of performing Dean. His self-worth is tied a lot into being a hunter (and he is occasionally sincerely proud of himself there), but overall that’s another persona, and the one he grew up into instead of the happy Dean with a normal childhood who might not have so many reasons to hate himself (Dean in 2x20, what you can gather about his personal life in the dream, is still completely affected by Dean’s own perception of himself so I don’t think it’s good data on how he’d live his life if he grew up with no monsters). 

Performing Dean, which that sequence at the end of 3x10 still shows best of any moment in the show, is all (when it comes down to it) something Dean acts under the expectation of what John would want or self-policed by what he thinks John would approve of. There’s an idealised version of Dean in his own head who is basically John or what Dean thinks John would have wanted him to be, and Dean’s lack of self-esteem is sometimes (dramatically) expressed in relation to feeling like he’s disappointed this spectre of John’s memory, and a great deal of his self-loathing comes from falling short of these standards. He’s definitely got better over time and learned to express himself more (by Dean standards) but his progress is always being interrupted, and this is such a core part of Dean I don’t think he can ever completely change it without altering his life in such a way there wouldn’t even be a show any more :P It’s not strictly “love” but it’s an idealised version of himself and also a key part of Dean’s sense of self and at least in the early seasons (before 3x10 let’s say :P) the version of himself he would want to love and live up to.

Anyway… idk about linking any of that directly to Dean being egocentric? I mean, that’s a reading you can make of him, I’m just not sure what part it plays. I should probably say immediately that I think Dean is very empathetic, and so that necessarily means in general he’s putting himself in others’ shoes when we’re looking at generic interpersonal relationships, plus the whole saving people thing, mean anything else I talk about, I’m giving Dean huge allowances here because I do think he’s kind and IN GENERAL puts others first, all the time. 

I know I have a tag about Dean being the centre of the universe, but for the most part I treat that as a joke on Dean where he doesn’t know it. On the other hand, the one major major time he exerts that power, in 5x22, he absolutely makes the entire apocalypse about him and his feelings and his need to talk to Sam before Michael and Lucifer fight, and uses that to save the world, so… Idk :P It’s not strictly a bad thing at all on a grand scale? Staying in season 5 for a minute (and sorry, Superwiki is not working right now so no quotes >.>), 5x11 explores Dean’s sense of the burden of the entire planet, and I think you could argue either way that he has an altruistic sense of having to save everyone, or focus on the “but why does it have to be him” thing, about how much he’s internalised that burden and in a way made it about himself. I feel like between his conditioning growing up to save people (and in season 1 he was altruistically the “saving people” side of “saving people hunting things” while Sam was the latter and revenge-focused) and the huge burdens the world puts on him, I don’t really think it’s fair to consider that Dean just happened to absorb this message because he’d be inclined to the idea of the world being on his shoulders, but that he is what the world made him especially with all the talk of Destiny and the feeling like no one else is remotely stuck in the cross hairs like they are. His reaction to being resurrected in 4x02 is skin-crawling horror that he’s been centred out for this sort of attention. When in big plot situations, his response can be read as egocentric, it’s not necessarily a criticism, especially as Dean is usually right, and it mostly gets the job done.

… Dealing with people, though. Idk, then it gets tricky :P Dean’s got a very strong moral centre and he expects others to hold up to his standards all the time. (I just watched through the end of season 6, and for example Dean arguing with Cas after the reveal is asking Cas to trust him and do as Dean says just because Dean believes it’s completely right and Cas is wrong. He doesn’t have any answers to help Cas this late in the game when they’re so deep into all these plans and disaster is looming and they’re out of time to deal with it, but in a way it’s almost like in 4x21 where Bobby’s telling Dean that Sam will die if they keep detoxing him, and Dean yells that at least Sam will die human - better to go out honourably than to betray yourself/Dean’s expectations of you. Being the moral core of the group DOES make it revolve around Dean’s principles, especially as he has a natural leadership to him and he can get used to what he says, goes. Like, in the latest episode, he makes the deal with Billie, and expects it to be about him when it comes to time to die… Mary getting between that abruptly shatters Dean’s centrality there, because the family unit is bigger than Dean and with so many more people involved in it, Mary and Cas hog all the drama of that moment, and in a way Dean only brought it to them. (And Sam, who only agreed to the deal, aside from badgering Dean to talk about it and getting shut down because Dean would clearly not want Sam to be the one to die, is also most used to operating under Dean’s rules and as the assumed survivor in Dean’s ideal scenario for that deal, had basically nothing to do with it aside from agreeing to a sketchy blood pact in the first place >.>)

Anyway watching through as far as I have (just watched 7x03) I do feel like I’ve been watching Dean’s moral authority grow and grow - as a response to trauma and to all the unimaginable situations he’s found himself in. Like the other characters, all the stuff that got them to the finish line in season 5, once in season 6 becomes much more dangerous and under the microscope for character development in a different way as the story switches from being sort of mythical to more about the interpersonal stuff. Dean by 7x03 has been shaken up by the ongoing problems with Sam, and Cas’s betrayal, and monsters that they don’t know how to kill, to the sort of place where his need for control, which was nurtured by all the apocalypse arc stuff by putting the burden directly on him, kind of now is definitely crossing over from a positive to neutral character trait to a definitely bad one… Honestly I feel like him ditching Sam and driving off to kill Amy because he doesn’t trust Sam is the real moment Dean snaps and sets off his arc that eventually leads to the Mark of Cain stuff, or Gadreel, which were all about Dean’s sense of control and his problems maintaining it that all play into his downfall arc as demon!Dean. (I honestly believe he’s so much more well-balanced in season 11 and 12 after all the character development Dean went through in season 10 - he was getting alarmingly zen and full of self-acceptance just before they pushed him  back over the edge… although it really needs a long view on it, like, I wasn’t certain for sure until 11x23 about how this was going for Dean, and he keeps doing stuff like these deals so it’s sort of like… he’s getting BETTER I’m not saying he’s perfect now :P) 

Anyway when it comes to Destiel, which I guess was the original reason you asked this based on your opening line… I think Dean DOES sometimes come across as egocentric - times when he puts himself or his problems first (the worst example being kicking Cas out of the Bunker). I’ve seen it argued a lot that Dean doesn’t really understand Cas to a certain level of Cas being vulnerable and/or someone he can really hurt this way, mostly because he has expectations literally to high Heaven about what Cas is and what he can do, and Cas is getting more and more human (only sometimes literally) but Dean has a lot of trouble bringing Cas down to his level. That “applications for sainthood” line about Dean and relationships is one of the best for looking at Dean and interpersonal relationships. That mixes HIS expectations (the egocentric side) with adoration and an expectation from others that he projects onto them, which is a much more selfless love but I guess no less dangerous when it comes to people disappointing him, because it comes as a blow to his entire world view. Like in 6x20 where Dean refused so long to think that Cas would betray them. Not just because Dean selfishly thinks everyone should do what he says (which is how it can come across) but because he truly believes those he loves would not do bad things. (Which also can explain his really extreme reactions to the bad stuff Sam does and Dean’s absolute reactions to it. In 4x22 when Dean’s moping about Sam to Bobby, Bobby calls Dean out on sounding like his father, which I think says a lot about where this behaviour in general comes from, again, all the absolutes and black and white thinking.) 

Anyway Dean said himself in 11x23 to Cas in the beer run, that he and Sam can get very caught up in their own stuff and forget to care about the things outside their problems, acknowledging how Cas had got a bit left to the wayside. I think that means Dean does genuinely struggle with this - and it’s now finally something that maybe they can really address after it was allowed to escalate so far over many seasons… historically almost every time there’s something wrong with Cas, Dean is slow on the uptake or it comes to smack him in the face he can’t be objective about it and generally makes the situation worse before it gets better (or swept under the rug into the growing pile of trauma Cas deals with >.>)… 

Now we’re getting some real Cas-focused episodes/a whole arc, and Cas’s problems are really out there again, I hope that means for Dean getting to face them properly as well and NOT reacting in the same way he often does. If there are far fewer issues around because all the plot has de-escalated a bit, HOPEFULLY that will let him focus on stuff outside himself? Like, though he didn’t react great to Cas leaving afterwards, when Cas actually announced he was going, Sam and Dean chased after him, and it was clear in that moment Dean genuinely was tuned in to something being up with Cas and without any other major problems to worry about that could take priority over that, and was concerned about Cas. 

I’m really hoping when it comes to Dean’s awareness of Cas’s issues he’s just had a huge wake up call, especially about how much Cas cares about them all, and while that was all about “the Winchesters” the show endlessly puts Dean n Cas just a little notch above everything else in that dynamic (Dean getting the more dramatic reaction to seeing Cas, sitting with him in the car, being the one to phone him, Sam as an outside observer to that and what Dean did and didn’t tell Cas… Even when all the language seemed to be very generically about the family as a whole, they are still singled out within it…)

But yeah, I’m not at all a bitter Cas fan who thinks Dean is cruel to Cas so I’m saying this out of wanting them to be better than they already are, not like this is a barrage of accusations levelled at Dean for being self-centred :P I try to always follow both their perspectives on a thing because there’s always huge misunderstandings. And sadly when Dean has a misunderstanding with Cas  he often lashes out at him, and that also makes it look in a lot of circumstances like Dean is being self-centred, where from his perspective he feels just as wronged by Cas and is already desperate and angry when they start a conversation (still thinking of season 6 and I guess their epic miscommunication in the end of season 7, or Dean’s lack of understanding in season 8 after the crypt scene, which is a moment that piles on a huge mess Dean’s already feeling so he doesn’t react out of the blue to randomly be angry with Cas when he shows up again…) Dean’s kind of terrible all round at interpersonal relationships… I’m very sympathetic to him there so it doesn’t upset me as long as I can understand WHERE he’s gone wrong. 

… I should probably stop talking here because I have no idea what you actually wanted here but I have been spewing way too many thoughts at you to no real conclusion… This reply is way too long but I can’t think how to cut it down aside from just not making entire points or not answering :P 

[dyncstes-a]

i left my heart with you.

a drabble for @sparekilled because idk man i ❤ angst . also because you liked my permanent starter call.

.

they say only the participant of a traumatic event would experience the aftermath of the death that hasn’t yet claimed them — and yet hans has never failed to wake up night after night with sweats cloaking up his body and shivers running down his spine at the sight of a still cedric underneath potter . it’s a repeating tragedy when he’s ripped again to this reality still shaken from a nightmare that seems so real . in his nightmare , dumbledore gives a depressing eulogy that leaves blackness dotting across his eyes at the space where he does not cry . in his nightmare , he does not accept cedric’s death . he watches almost all of everybody mourns , but as he steps to give his apology to a grieving amos , all he does is steals cedric’s tie to hook around his arm . hidden , sacred — his .

the reality is , again and again he will thank fate , that cedric hasn’t died . the curse that’s marred his body is impure , deadly even , but not impossibly lethal . that doesn’t mean the hufflepuff’s comatose state was any better . mcgonagall keeps him on a leash from constantly visiting cedric , which is a pain , but — hans recognises later — a necessary evil . he’s still granted visits , however , when dumbledore seizes him one day as he’s argued up and down to let the bloody school free him so he’s to go to st. mungo’s ——— dumbledore seems understandable enough , in an annoying way as though he’s picked apart hans’ mind when he wasn’t looking and could know of all of these wrestling emotions boiling and curling , and lets hans go . but not without a few promises and rules .

( he’s to help organise any future school event personally and without complaint. )

any other occasion , the rules would look like a special kind of burden . but the thought that something may happen to cedric when he isn’t there to make sure everything runs smoothly ? hans shivers . accepts the terms . a month and fifteen days later , cedric wakes up .

.

he swallows those nightmares like he eats his secrets ——— he keeps it inside , proper and filed , named and dated , but never to anyone . some days , this makes him sick . some days , this makes him stronger . most days , when he does get to visit cedric , he doesn’t truly visit cedric at all . the diggorys are an usual occupant around their youngest’s member’s ward , and while hans’ chest aches and pleas for him to just sit — not much , he just wants to see that the other is breathing — next to cedric’s lying form , he doesn’t . hans is usually good with parents , he knows , and , perhaps , if he asks properly , he may have a time alone with cedric even if it’s just for five minutes , but — how selfish can he be  ?

cedric’s family aren’t like his own . they care , they weep , they mourn and they pray . they deserve all the time they would get with their son , and hans is willing to give it to them . ( it feels like he’s swallowing nails when he sees them there just as he’s about to enter the ward , because he knows he’s not worthy to be among such kind people ; because he knows , compared to them , his own grieve means nothing . ) he doesn’t like it , but he’s willing . so he sits dutifully where mediwizards pass through , and he reads all he can about curses and cures and ‘how to be a good friend’ , and he harasses the staff for cedric’s state and questions and medicines . 

and hans gets into lots of arguments — he’s bitter and sad and manic most of the time , and sometimes when one of the matrons makes his blood boil , he could almost hear cedric’s pleading , soft voice hushing his demons away . it doesn’t command hans to stop , but merely assures hans that cedric is , in fact , okay . one of the evening when he’s bent over a book , mrs. diggory spots him , recognises . “you’re one of cedric’s friend , aren’t you ? hans, right ?” and , for a moment , hans feels like words were a foreign language to him .

he’s given a little more than sufficient access after that , rotating with the diggorys whenever he’s there so that the pair of parents could take a short trip home to bathe and rest . in the end , it works out . this awkward arrangement . there were also other visits . hufflepuffs , mostly . hans doesn’t interrupt those visits too whenever they come and he’s coincidentally there to make sure cedric isn’t decaying away ——— well , all except for cho . he glares most of the time she’s there . she pointedly makes all of her visits appropriately short , and perhaps he’s been with the diggorys too much , but hans thinks he may have experienced just a tinge of guilt . he scrubs them away like another file of his depression ; ready to be ignored and left to dust .

the routine changes a bit when cedric finally wakes up . he does so when hans is in the middle of a class , and it sends hans frantic and unable to focus during advance potions which makes snape glowers , which in return makes hans glowers back — and , perhaps it’s the green-silver bowtie that’s embed around his neck , but thankfully all snape does is roll his eyes and pretends hans doesn’t exist for the remaining time until the class is excused . when he’s finally , finally , allowed to be at st. mungo’s , with dumbledore trailing behind , hans finds himself stopping when he spots the diggorys and harry potter and cho-fucking-chang already crowding the ward.

hans waits and waits and waits at the hall ( he reads the charts and listens to the mediwizards ramble medical terms that he’s come to know over the month cedric wasn’t waking up ) , and he swears he could taste glasses down his tongue when dumbledore emerges requesting all of the hogwarts students returning — visiting hour is over , after all — and hans is there , dumbfounded , because he hadn’t even gotten the chance to see cedric yet ( he hadn’t wanted to share his moments with other people. he can’t. dear lord , please allow him this . ) and — and how could it ? but hans swallows the thick bile at the back of his throat , his shoes ready to follow when mrs. diggory calls . 

“he wants to see you.”

hans tells himself he isn’t crying when he parts the curtain hiding cedric from public view as he steps into the small area of the ward . with a hazy flicker of grey eyes landing on him , it seems like all of the nightmares he’s buried in his hollowed stomach disappears . he breathes , comes forward and track a gloveless finger down the other’s pulse — closing his eyes when they beat . cedric is watching him , smiling maybe . hans can’t really tell . the prince sits , face painful from trying to hide his own grin too much and he croaks ,

❛   thank you.   ❜

i love you.

.

cedric doesn’t take the final exams that year . he could , and hans has been willing to help him without him even asking , but the mediwizard hadn’t advised the youngest of diggory to do so . hans harasses the nurse some more for information , because it’s odd that they’ve denied a student of education and hans isn’t quite himself if he’s not suspicious : only to find out two weeks into cedric’s recovery that the dark-haired man might be suffering more than just physical pain .

hans begins reading more into post traumatic stress disorder . 

the wizarding kind still kindly calls it “battle fatigues” and hans gets books on those too . there were many attempted cures , he’s discovered , both magical and muggle kinds — but ptsd has never been a tangible thing . nothing completely goes away . ( and something in hans knows this , because he might be experiencing it too — been experiencing it his whole life — but he makes note on the herbs and medications and procedures , anyway . he has to . he can’t stand feeling helpless . ) he never tells cedric this . but he talks to the mediwizard often , now being in a much better term once cedric’s civilised their relationship , to ensure the proper treatment’s taken .

a month after cedric wakes up , st. mungo finally grants him a date to be released . summer comes .

.

summer is hard for hans . in order for him to be granted visits to london so he could sneak to the wizarding world requires him exerting extra efforts in obeying father’s commands . but he doesn’t want to complaint . not if it means he gets to see cedric twice in a week . thankfully , brothers weren’t particularly around much , so the abuse has only been limited to jabs and their usual mock and perhaps a pinch or two along hans’ ribs until hans cries .

he still doesn’t tell cedric this . he knows it weighs on the hufflepuff that hans isn’t willing to share his pain when he’s generously welcomed hans to know every bits of him that he could expose . but — it’s harder now . cedric isn’t well , and hans hates dropping burden that he’s well adapted to carry on his own . things still get better however . he tells cedric more — not about the nightmare , not about the jobs that father has him do just to grant him these little time where he could lie down and share the moment with the other boy . but he opens up more about his mother that never truly comes out from her room . about where he’s travelled as a child . about how his family hates the wizarding kind so very much , they tear hans’ first robe when hans keeps wearing it the first time he comes home from hogwarts — which was why hans never wear those much , and he’s owned only three in his life .

cedric is patient and kind through it all : through hans , his own pain , his parents’ fussing and his many friends’ visits . and — slowly — he gets better with time . hans wishes he could say he’s there most of the time when the hufflepuff makes a huge progress , but that would be a lie . cedric still insist the prince does more than he gives himself credit for , and — as they lie on the bed watching the rain drops and hans having just finishes cedric off with his palm covered in the other’s cum — hans tells cedric he loves him . not because he’s just given a handjob rather successfully , or that because he’s felt it’s necessary since it’s something people who were dating tended to confess to one another , but simply because he think he has loved cedric for a while now . 

and , he admits quietly when he’s cleaning the other’s remnants off with a tissue , it’s good to love somebody who loves you back .

cedric doesn’t seem like he’s disagreeing .

.

in the end , with all of hans’ fear of not wanting his heart getting broken by another , he ends up being the one who breaks cedric’s heart . it’s february 12 — two days before valentine’s — and people cowering in fear of things that cannot be stopped any longer , that hans packs his suitcases and shoves them into his trunk . some have already branded him a coward with a glare and cussed words — but what are little jabs compared to father’s order who does not wish to send hans to fight against a kind that once deserts their family ?

blood is thicker than water . right ?

cedric stands there , tall and looming , and the warmth in his grey eyes are fading into this kind of sadness that hans knows will haunt him along with the not-corpse that the other nearly was the year before . ( under potter . unmoving . eyes open . amos screeching . his own lungs , not breathing . ) cedric doesn’t ask him to stay — or maybe he did , hans isn’t sure now — but he certainly doesn’t beg . had hans’ answer changes if he had ? the prince doesn’t know. but certainly , as he leaves , nobody will ever find out .

he still asks cedric to stay alive . ( what’s the point ? would hans be able to see him again ? probably not . but stay alive anyway , my darling. ) because apart of him will , if the other does . and this , hans is okay with .

( his heart has never been his , anyway . )

(( and he rather it being with cedric than anybody else. ))

.

the nightmares get worse after he parts . a month with his health declining , father eventually hires a psychologist for hans to talk to . he tells this doctor — doctor larsen — about his findings of PTSD and how he might have them , might , but he doesn’t like to acknowledge it . it takes months and months before hans is finally willing to work through his problems , and gently , his demons doesn’t suffer twice as bad .

he gets letters from cho here and there , telling him cedric is alive . barely , and consistently fighting — but amazingly alive . when he begins on not writing back ( ‘sometimes it’s better to leave the past behind’ says doctor larsen , again and again and again ) , and brothers drown his owl , cho stops sending more . the year goes on .

hans doesn’t think he’s any better , but the nightmares , he judges , are quieter .

.

hans stops thinking about his lifeless body until he steps back into the wizarding world after the war ends to handle his family’s accounts at gringotts . he doesn’t tell father , but it has been his long-time planning to create a new business that none of his family could touch ; that could be entirely his , and his alone . and he’s been corresponding with mcgonagall about retaking his NEWT’s exam and taking a few names who could very well help him in re-establishing his family’s name here , with him as the head of the house . and he will make his family’s future better . 

(and he will not be father.)

he doesn’t take into account that he might , after all , bump into cedric. but he does anyway . and it’s seemingly like the years lost between them has been regained , and not a moment has passed with hans standing a parallel to the other’s body . hans feels his heart beats , loud and fast and thundering , and all he could think is—

there you are.

[kristablogs]

Eleven ways you can use VR to escape your home

Before putting your visor on, make some room. Bumping into your coffee table will surely break the illusion that you're in the Grand Canyon. ( Hammer & Tusk / Unsplash/)

Virtual reality is not nearly as popular as video game consoles or smartphones, but the technology is improving rapidly. Software is getting better, hardware is getting cheaper, and fewer people are coming away from these experiences feeling utterly nauseous.

And although VR and gaming sometimes overlap, you should know that the former has plenty more to it. Almost every real-world experience now has a virtual equivalent, and we’re at the stage where you can go almost anywhere, and do almost anything with a VR visor.

If you’re feeling like the walls are closing in and you need a break from the same old scenery, gear up and let VR transport you somewhere completely new in a matter of seconds.

1. Apollo 11 VR HD

Book your spot on the 1969 Apollo 11 mission and fly to the moon and back in virtual reality. You can wander around and interact with the command and lunar modules, and the Moon’s surface, or just sit back and let the experience play out. The VR app combines high-resolution graphics and renders with archive footage from the actual mission for a truly memorable ride.

Apollo 11 VR HD is $10 for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

2. T. rex: Skeleton Crew

The exhibits at the American Museum of Natural History helped develop this game, but you might want to skip those and jump straight to the age of the dinosaurs. T.rex: Skeleton Crew brings these prehistoric beasts and their world back to life so you can get a feel of what it was like to walk among them, and learn about the most famous dino of the lot—Tyrannosaurus rex.

T. rex: Skeleton Crew is $5 for HTC Vive.

3. Everest VR

This experience may be the perfect thing to help you get over your fear of heights. (Everest VR/)

Take in the grandeur and the spectacle of the planet’s highest mountain without leaving your home. The experience will take you all the way to the summit, along five stages that match key points on the route up. Combining photorealistic graphics worthy of any video game with 360-degree videos taken from real expeditions, it’s probably the next-best thing to actually making it up Mount Everest.

Everest VR is $15 for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

4. Google Earth VR

Google Earth VR is an experience good enough to turn hardened VR naysayers into true believers. From this experience alone, you won’t actually get to stand in the middle of Manhattan or on the edge of the Grand Canyon, but it’ll feel like you are. Take a 3D visual and audio tour of any spot on the planet you like—courtesy of the high-resolution mapping data in Google Earth—and fly above famous landmarks, national parks, and cities. And to make things even better, it’s totally free.

Google Earth VR is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

5. Island Explorer VR

If taking a relaxing drive around a virtual island sounds like an appealing way to pass the time, you’re going to love Island Explorer VR. There are no challenges to overcome, no one else to meet, and nothing to do except roam around at your own pace. It’s not the longest virtual reality experience, but it’s a fun and laid-back way of losing yourself and practicing your driving skills for a few minutes.

Island Explorer VR is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

6. The Climb

You might get a little workout from The Climb. (The Climb/)

While there are hints of a game in The Climb, we’re going to claim it as a non-game due to its tourist mode—though admittedly you will have to exert yourself a bit to make it up whatever mountain you decide to tackle. There are four fictional environments to explore, either at night or in broad daylight, and the views are simply breathtaking as you get higher and higher. If you suffer from vertigo, this experience may not be worth the admission fee. Though if you want to overcome it, maybe it is.

The Climb is $30 for Oculus Rift.

7. Mona Lisa: Beyond the Glass

The first VR experience from the Louvre Museum focuses on its most famous exhibit, and it’s a new and immersive way of engaging with Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece. Learn about the artist’s techniques and the latest modern-day scientific research on the Mona Lisa, while enjoying the artwork without any of the distractions of the thronging crowds that you’d normally have to put up with.

Mona Lisa: Beyond the Glass is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

8. Allumette

Virtual reality cinema is still in its infancy, but new titles are coming out all the time, and there are some stunning (if short) stories to immerse yourself into. One such story is Allumette, the tale of a young orphan girl who lives in a city in the clouds. But because this is VR, you’re not just watching the movie play out—you’re actually living in its world, able to explore and look around freely. Expect a lot more from VR filmmakers in the future.

Allumette is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

9. Memoria: Stories of La Garma

Virtual reality also allows you to visit places you wouldn't be able to access in real life. (Memoria: Stories of La Garma/)

Virtual reality enables tourists to experience places of great significance and beauty without risking damage to the places themselves—exactly the case with the caves of La Garma. Covered in paintings and packed with relics, the caves are sealed off and have received only 50 or so visitors in the last 16,000 years—but you can put on your virtual reality headset and journey inside to soak up this amazing time capsule of the Paleolithic era.

Memoria: Stories of La Garma is $6 for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

10. Bigscreen

If you can’t make it to an actual, physical big screen, just power up your headset and enjoy a movie in VR instead. Using Bigscreen, you can customize the theater to your exact requirements, from the size of the projection to the number of patrons watching with you. The virtual screen mirrors your computer desktop, so anything you can play on there will be shown.

Bigscreen is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

11. Nature Treks VR

Nature Treks VR quite simply lets you wander through nature, at your own speed. And the virtual sights might even be better than whatever happens to be outside your own front door. You control the weather and the time of day, can meet more than 60 different animals on your travels, and there are a variety of settings, including beaches and forests. You can even take a dive underwater or a trip into space if you feel the need.

Nature Treks VR is $10 for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

[scootoaster]

Eleven ways you can use VR to escape your home

Before putting your visor on, make some room. Bumping into your coffee table will surely break the illusion that you're in the Grand Canyon. ( Hammer & Tusk / Unsplash/)

Virtual reality is not nearly as popular as video game consoles or smartphones, but the technology is improving rapidly. Software is getting better, hardware is getting cheaper, and fewer people are coming away from these experiences feeling utterly nauseous.

And although VR and gaming sometimes overlap, you should know that the former has plenty more to it. Almost every real-world experience now has a virtual equivalent, and we’re at the stage where you can go almost anywhere, and do almost anything with a VR visor.

If you’re feeling like the walls are closing in and you need a break from the same old scenery, gear up and let VR transport you somewhere completely new in a matter of seconds.

1. Apollo 11 VR HD

Book your spot on the 1969 Apollo 11 mission and fly to the moon and back in virtual reality. You can wander around and interact with the command and lunar modules, and the Moon’s surface, or just sit back and let the experience play out. The VR app combines high-resolution graphics and renders with archive footage from the actual mission for a truly memorable ride.

Apollo 11 VR HD is $10 for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

2. T. rex: Skeleton Crew

The exhibits at the American Museum of Natural History helped develop this game, but you might want to skip those and jump straight to the age of the dinosaurs. T.rex: Skeleton Crew brings these prehistoric beasts and their world back to life so you can get a feel of what it was like to walk among them, and learn about the most famous dino of the lot—Tyrannosaurus rex.

T. rex: Skeleton Crew is $5 for HTC Vive.

3. Everest VR

This experience may be the perfect thing to help you get over your fear of heights. (Everest VR/)

Take in the grandeur and the spectacle of the planet’s highest mountain without leaving your home. The experience will take you all the way to the summit, along five stages that match key points on the route up. Combining photorealistic graphics worthy of any video game with 360-degree videos taken from real expeditions, it’s probably the next-best thing to actually making it up Mount Everest.

Everest VR is $15 for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

4. Google Earth VR

Google Earth VR is an experience good enough to turn hardened VR naysayers into true believers. From this experience alone, you won’t actually get to stand in the middle of Manhattan or on the edge of the Grand Canyon, but it’ll feel like you are. Take a 3D visual and audio tour of any spot on the planet you like—courtesy of the high-resolution mapping data in Google Earth—and fly above famous landmarks, national parks, and cities. And to make things even better, it’s totally free.

Google Earth VR is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

5. Island Explorer VR

If taking a relaxing drive around a virtual island sounds like an appealing way to pass the time, you’re going to love Island Explorer VR. There are no challenges to overcome, no one else to meet, and nothing to do except roam around at your own pace. It’s not the longest virtual reality experience, but it’s a fun and laid-back way of losing yourself and practicing your driving skills for a few minutes.

Island Explorer VR is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

6. The Climb

You might get a little workout from The Climb. (The Climb/)

While there are hints of a game in The Climb, we’re going to claim it as a non-game due to its tourist mode—though admittedly you will have to exert yourself a bit to make it up whatever mountain you decide to tackle. There are four fictional environments to explore, either at night or in broad daylight, and the views are simply breathtaking as you get higher and higher. If you suffer from vertigo, this experience may not be worth the admission fee. Though if you want to overcome it, maybe it is.

The Climb is $30 for Oculus Rift.

7. Mona Lisa: Beyond the Glass

The first VR experience from the Louvre Museum focuses on its most famous exhibit, and it’s a new and immersive way of engaging with Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece. Learn about the artist’s techniques and the latest modern-day scientific research on the Mona Lisa, while enjoying the artwork without any of the distractions of the thronging crowds that you’d normally have to put up with.

Mona Lisa: Beyond the Glass is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

8. Allumette

Virtual reality cinema is still in its infancy, but new titles are coming out all the time, and there are some stunning (if short) stories to immerse yourself into. One such story is Allumette, the tale of a young orphan girl who lives in a city in the clouds. But because this is VR, you’re not just watching the movie play out—you’re actually living in its world, able to explore and look around freely. Expect a lot more from VR filmmakers in the future.

Allumette is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

9. Memoria: Stories of La Garma

Virtual reality also allows you to visit places you wouldn't be able to access in real life. (Memoria: Stories of La Garma/)

Virtual reality enables tourists to experience places of great significance and beauty without risking damage to the places themselves—exactly the case with the caves of La Garma. Covered in paintings and packed with relics, the caves are sealed off and have received only 50 or so visitors in the last 16,000 years—but you can put on your virtual reality headset and journey inside to soak up this amazing time capsule of the Paleolithic era.

Memoria: Stories of La Garma is $6 for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

10. Bigscreen

If you can’t make it to an actual, physical big screen, just power up your headset and enjoy a movie in VR instead. Using Bigscreen, you can customize the theater to your exact requirements, from the size of the projection to the number of patrons watching with you. The virtual screen mirrors your computer desktop, so anything you can play on there will be shown.

Bigscreen is free for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

11. Nature Treks VR

Nature Treks VR quite simply lets you wander through nature, at your own speed. And the virtual sights might even be better than whatever happens to be outside your own front door. You control the weather and the time of day, can meet more than 60 different animals on your travels, and there are a variety of settings, including beaches and forests. You can even take a dive underwater or a trip into space if you feel the need.

Nature Treks VR is $10 for HTC Vive and Oculus Rift.

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Scrupulosity OCD and the Sin of Certainty

When religious and faithful individuals are told that the unremitting thoughts that they are trying to get rid of are due to their OCD, they have difficulty accepting it. They may remember how and where their symptoms began, and may attribute their sinful thoughts to Satan or being cursed somehow somewhere. They may eventually acknowledge the symptoms as OCD but continue to doubt their worthiness.

As they question their thoughts and actions, uncertainty persists. They believe they may find surety if they make a more exerted effort. For example, they may say, “If I pray longer, the intrusive thoughts will stop. Perhaps I didn’t confess all my sins. I must go back and do better. My service to others is not enough. I need to be more humble.” Their mind may come up with countless reasons and stories behind their inability to stop their thoughts and incessant guilt. They may feel evil and don’t realize that OCD is zeroing in on their religion and moral values.

When individuals are devout to their spiritual beliefs and struggle with OCD, treatment can become complex, stressful, and painful. Below are some clarifications regarding scrupulosity OCD.

The “Fix-it Machine”: Our mind allows us to solve external problems by coming up with ways to repair or discard malfunctioning items.  When we experience feelings and thoughts that aren’t working for us, our fix-it machine provides ideas to help us feel better. Just like we can stop the water from a leaking faucet by repairing it, our wonderful mind may propose that we can stop shameful thoughts. Have you noticed what happens when you try to do this? The mind’s other strategies also include: distraction, avoidance, figuring things out, time traveling (ruminating about the past and future), and repetition. Scrupulous individuals agonize, as their guilt and anxiety appear to be non-stop. They compulsively try those unhealthy coping skills. The results seem inconclusive and short lived.  

Impure Thoughts: Many religious and OCD sufferers feel conflicted and tormented when they experience wicked thoughts. They believe that they are not abiding to their religion’s precepts because those thoughts should not exist, yet they persist. They may say, “I’m wicked. I must remove these thoughts permanently.” Their observances such as prayers, singing, and reciting spiritual verses usually provide some comfort. As the thoughts return, they persevere in their belief that they may not be trying hard enough. They then increase the intensity and duration of their observances so they can have longer effect. Soon enough, they find themselves trapped in the obsessive-compulsive web. Their affliction heightens as the unclean thoughts resurface again and again.

The Sin of Certainty: Individuals who struggle with OCD yearn for the certainty that will set them free of guilt and anxiety. Ensuring that they are forgiven may become their primary focus each day, but certainty continues to elude them. They forget that their everyday routines include uncertainty. When it comes to the feared consequences related to their doctrine and beliefs, uncertainty is unacceptable in their view. They continue to do whatever they can to decrease the disturbing dissonance between their souls and their thoughts. The sin of certainty occurs because they become distracted from what matters most — their faith and love of God.

Eventually, exhaustion takes over and they may feel dejected and depressed. They may become disenchanted with their religion. They may say, “If I stay away from the triggers that create this agony, I will be better off.” Sometimes, their anguish may turn into animosity towards their church.

The OCD Web: The quest for certainty becomes a stumbling block to their faith and their desired spirituality. Individuals become entangled with their thoughts and feelings and are unable to separate themselves from those internal experiences. As they feel trapped, the entanglement ensues with obsessions and compulsions that become their demise.

It doesn’t have to be that way. You can unravel yourself from unhelpful thoughts and become more flexible with them. When you notice you are getting caught up in the OCD web, remember that:

Our mind is continually producing thoughts. Therefore, controlling and stopping thoughts is not possible. It is only wishful thinking.

Every mortal being will have impure thoughts at one time or another. This is not to reassure you, but to remind you that it is best to come to terms with the fact that you are an earthly creature and imperfect. Trying to achieve purity in thought is not possible in this life.

Because you have scrupulosity OCD, the thoughts that show up may be opposite to what you hold dear in your heart, such as your faith and moral values. Remember that this is what happens. Don’t be surprised when OCD morphs or entangles your thoughts and feelings related to other important areas of your life.

Notice what happens when you hold your thoughts lightly. Observe them as they move at their own pace. You can learn to do this instead of trying to figure out why you had them.

Remember, you have thoughts — pleasant and unpleasant ones — for various reasons including: you have a human mind, and religion and moral values are important to you. You don’t have to get trapped with the sin of certainty in the OCD web.

You have a choice!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/29/scrupulosity-ocd-and-the-sin-of-certainty/

[breakingthrough]

Self-Denial Is The Spiritual Path Forward

“We have to practice strictest daily discipline; only so can the flesh learn the painful lesson that it has no rights of its own.” - Deitrich Bonhoeffer

I came across this quote during Lent this year, and it was very useful to me then. I was (and still am) striving to learn how to eat in a better, healthy, spiritual way. This quote helped me on a daily basis to focus on the fight at hand - reorganizing my inner hierarchy so that my spirit was calling the shots, instead of my flesh (as it had been doing for so long). 

Recently this came back to me again with greater meaning as I was reflecting on a John Piper sermon I’d heard. The concept he covered was “sacred schizophrenia.” He said that every Christian suffers from sacred schizophrenia because we are essentially two people while on this earth. Jesus tells us to deny ourselves (Matthew 16:24) in order to be His disciples. Piper points out that for this to happen, there is a “self” that is being denied, and a “self” that is doing the denying. There are two parts, diametrically opposed, within one person - hence schizophrenic; however it’s sacred because it’s a worthy struggle, and spiritual in nature. 

This really helped me to think through an idea I’d been struggling with in recent weeks, regarding Jesus as our spiritual treasure. This spring, through an excellent sermon series, our pastor helped us understand how managing to seek Jesus as our greatest treasure in life was THE key to pretty much everything. During Lent, I had a spiritual “mountaintop experience.” My daily spiritual habits were rigorous, my insights on point, my heart more open, and my life noticeably better. Then Lent ended. Though I tried to maintain that high, I eventually came back down off the mountain. I began to wonder, why? Why couldn’t I ALWAYS have that? As I prayed for other people to find it, it occurred to me how difficult it was to even attain (”the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few”). I had many questions about why such a good thing could be so difficult. 

Then I came back to Bonhoeffer’s quote this week and things began to come into clearer view. He said that we have to practice strict, daily discipline in order to teach the flesh that it has no rights of its own. Hence, we have to put strong, daily effort to establishing the will of the spirit over the will of the flesh. Why is this important? 

Back to Piper - our flesh merely wants comfort for itself. What is comfortable to the flesh? Physical things: air conditioning, delicious food, nice clothes, a nice house, fancy cars, all the “creature comforts” of this world. The flesh wants nothing more than to live a comfortable 80 years of life here on earth while enjoying a bunch of nice stuff; so make money, get more things, and do what makes you feel good. That’s the will of the flesh! 

But that is the “self” that Jesus tells us we need to deny in order to become His disciples. So the other “self” - the one that does the denying - that is our spiritual will exerting itself over the will of the flesh. When we do manage to reign in the flesh, we instead focus on eternal things: relationships, mercy, grace, spreading the Gospel, raising good children, justice, being the body of Christ. We have to tell that part of our self that we’re denying, “NO! I’m NOT going to let you convince me that 80 years of comfort here on earth is better than 80 million years spent in the presence of Christ. I won’t let you steal that better reward from me just so you’ll be comfortable for a brief moment or two of eternity.” 

Piper acknowledges that this dichotomy that we’re always struggling with is difficult, and it doesn’t ever fully leave us while we’re here on earth. But he also says that it is worth putting up with the discomfort and struggle for a few decades, because we know that when we die we will finally be our one true self, for eternity. 

Jesus said, “Want to be my disciple? Deny yourself, and take up your cross, and follow me.” His reference to taking up your cross meant that we need to follow the example He set. There was a part of him, His flesh, that I’m sure didn’t want to die on the cross. But He denied that part of Himself in order to do the most significant thing that’s ever been done for us. So, to be like Him, we have to submit ourselves to the will of God, just like He did. 

THIS is the path forward in our spiritual walk here on earth. When people wondering why it’s so hard to achieve those rare mountaintop spiritual experiences, it’s because our two inner selves are always struggling, and sometimes the flesh is on top, getting its way. Being imperfect people living in a broken world, we will never get to the point where we achieve spiritual perfection and maintain it for any length of time. But the desire for it that is inside us helps us to remember that we were in fact created for just that - but it’s out of reach while we remain on earth. 

But the day is coming when we will finally win the inner fight, and become our one true self. Lord, help us to struggle well until that day...