#which is all very nice of law and heartbreaking but i still like to speculate on the layers to this action

[dykealloy]

such a small detail but I cannot stop thinking about law leaving kikoku by luffy's bedside when he went out to talk with hancock and ivankov. idk it stirs up a lot of questions. like does law do this often? does law, like zoro, talk to his well-behaved cursed sword like "kikoku, sit. watch." before he leaves to go have lunch or a well deserved twenty minute post-surgery nap. is this the protective equivalent to leaving a baseball bat by the bedside? doctor's bedside manner emotional support blade? but then I also can't help but notice that it's unsheathed. which... actually, who is that sword protecting really, just sitting there? did luffy wake up more than once in the cradle of that submarine while his body was still recovering? (drugged up to the gills, entirely noncoherent, unable to be reasoned with, going in and out of consciousness, the only thought running through his mind being "ace"). probably would've been a nightmare for the heart crew

[percywinchester27]

A lot like ‘Us’ (Part-19)

Word count: 4.9K

Pairing: Sam X Reader AU

Warnings: Fluffy stuff for real ;)

Series Summary: Y/N Y/L/N is eager and honestly, still in awe that she managed to get herself an acceptance from Stanford Law School. On the face of it, her life seems as put together, mysterious and independent as one might hope for. On the insides, she carries the burden of past that haunts her till date. Seemingly, she’d left it all behind; that is until she sets foot in the class of the Law School’s youngest, most promising professor.

A/N: I kinda sorta really like this part. It was so fun to write :)

The story employs two different timelines. The present timeline for the story takes place in 2014. Please let me know what you guys think :)

Beta: @deanssweetheart23​. Thank you , love <3

A lot like ‘Us’ masterlist

“Coffee?” She squeaked, gulping, eyes going wide. 

“Or not,” Sam said quickly, panic rising inside him like a tidal wave. She didn’t want to spend time with him after all. Heartbreak stronger than what he could have imagined ripped through him. So everything that she’d said last night…

“I-” Y/N started to say, clearly taken aback. It was so easy to read her face that Sam wanted to kick himself for even thinking that this was a good idea.

“It’s alright,” he said, voice low. “I understand if you don’t want to.”

“I want to,” she protested immediately, then seemed to regret the haste. “I mean… coffee sounds nice. I just… didn’t expect...” her voice trailed off.

She was being honest. Sam could, at least, see that. 

“I thought maybe we should talk,” he said, then added carefully. “Catch up.”

Y/N nodded, a speculative look in her eyes. 

Her eyes. Just like that Sam was lost, marveling at the beauty of them and how they were the most beautiful pair of eyes in the world.

Get a grip! 

He had to scold himself to keep his hungover head on track. “I think we could both use some caffeine after all.”

“Give me a minute.”

Sam saw her rush into the librarian’s room. When she came back, she had a pretty paisley scarf wrapped around her neck. The sheen of the silk reminded Sam of the satin she’d been wearing last night and again, he had to wrench himself back to the present.

What was happening? This was worse than being fixated on a high school crush.

Worse because he didn’t have the excuse of being a hormone driven teenager; because he didn’t want to bring up the pain of the past or face the uncertainty of the future. This was worse because he couldn’t say any of it to her here, where he was a professor and she was a student.

“Ready,” she breathed, coming to stand next to him.

“Where do you want to go?” He asked as they stepped out of the library and walked along the long corridor of the quad overlooking the shadowed trees. 

Y/N pursed her lips. “I actually don’t know any places around here. Just the campus cafes.”

Sam was through with students spotting him, at least for a week. The last thing he needed was someone to rush up to him now.

“I think I know just the place.”

Y/N walked quietly besides him. Sam didn’t peek to see the expression on her face; he stared straight ahead. If he sneaked a glance and found her to be apprehensive, he didn’t think his nerves could take it. Better to assume that she was lost in thought than to confirm she was regretting her decision.

The small café was very close to his home, and thereby hers too. Just two lanes down. Sam had discovered it by fluke on a morning jog, nestled in a small niche of the college town. The café wasn’t grand, which made it all the more cozy. He grabbed his coffee every morning from here before heading for classes or work. Fortunately, the place didn’t have many students coming there. They mostly just preferred the Starbucks on the campus or the other scattered cafes with more seating space. 

Sam opened the door for Y/N, and she stepped in with a murmured thank you. He saw her eyes take in the low ceiling, paneled in dark wood and supported by long wooden beams. The furniture was eclectic and mismatched, as if it had been put together at different times- which it probably had. She would like it, he thought. It was exactly her style.

The barista, Suzy, grinned when she saw him. 

“There you are!” She admonished him. “I thought my most reliable customer had abandoned me.”

Sam shook his head at her. “I had to be in LA for a couple of days… that sort of thing…”

He felt Y/N’s curious gaze on his face. But what was he gonna tell Suzy? That he had been too busy pining after Y/N to make a round? 

“We missed you around here,” she said, then called back, “Ain’t that right, Matt?”

“My Sun wouldn’t rise without seeing your face!” Matt yelled from somewhere inside and Sam chuckled.

“The usual?” Suzy asked and Sam nodded. 

She turned to Y/N, “What can we get you, ma’am?”

“A Cappuccino, please.”

“Regular?”

“Large, please.”

Sam threw her a swift look. All that caffeine on a weak stomach?

“What name do I write?” 

“Oh, it’s not to go,” Sam said quickly. “ We’ll have it here.” 

Suzy raised her eyebrow, her eyes flitting between him and Y/N curiously.

Sam hurriedly turned, gesturing towards the table at the very end, next to the window. It was his favorite place here. 

The memories he had in Stanford, in California were all his. Nothing here had ever been touched by Y/N. Wasn’t that why he had moved from New York, because he couldn’t live in that apartment anymore? Moved across the damn country to escape the pain? And here he was subtly including her in all his new memories, too. Sam could barely think of the library without imagining her behind the desk. Could he come to his café now without thinking of her?

So lost was he in the thought, that before he could pull the chair for her, Y/N had seated herself. Slowly, he sat down opposite to her.

Before Sam could say anything, Y/N burst out. “I’m so sorry about last night! I don’t know what had gotten into me.”

Sam knew. She had been mad at him for going out on a date. While it had made him angry yesterday, today, it just made him feel a tiny bit smug. Y/N apparently didn’t know that he knew.

“You don’t need to apologize-” he started, but she cut him off.

“Just let me get through this, please?” She pleaded.

Had he ever said ‘no’ to her ‘please?’ Sam didn’t think so. He motioned with his hand to continue, giving up.

“I just… It’s very embarrassing to even think about you having to take me home like that,” she slapped her hand across her forehead. “Your evening was ruined because of me. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, or even how ashamed-”

“Y/N-” he cut in, despite having committed to listening to her. It was simply inacceptable to let her stew in this feeling if he could help it. “You didn’t ruin my evening. If anything, you saved me.”

“What?”

“I ran into a couple of girls- oh, from your class. It wasn’t very comfortable,” he admitted. “I didn’t even want to be at the bar to begin with. To top it off, Jody kinda stood me up. You were my knight in shining armour.”

“More like dame sloshing with alcohol,” she snorted. “I’m sorry about Rebecca and Lacey. To be fair, I did try to stop them.”

“Thanks for looking out for me,” he said, and then couldn’t help but tease. “You don’t like them very much, do you?”

Y/N bit her lip. “It’s not like that.”

It totally was. He could see it all over her face- the guilt that she had given away her bad impression of someone. It just wasn’t like her to think ill of anyone. All the same, Sam wondered why she didn’t like them. Had they been mean to her?

“I hope I didn’t say or do anything that I shouldn’t have last night.” she was looking down at her hands. 

“You really don’t remember, do you?” Even to him, his voice sounded chagrined and defeated. 

“No, I don’t.” Her brows furrowed, voice rising. “Did I do something? What happened last night?”

Sam took a deep breath, and said with as much confidence as he could muster. “Nothing happened. I walked you home and you went straight to bed. That’s all.”

“So we didn’t sit on a sidewalk anywhere?”

Shit. Lying to her was going to be dicey if she even remembered bits and parts. 

So, instead of answering her question, Sam countered, “What do you remember?”

The hand on her forehead slid down to cover part of her face. “Nothing,” she groaned, trying hard to think. “I remember absolutely nothing. One minute I was asking for the- gosh, I don’t even remember what number drink it was and the next moment I was throwing up in the toilet.”

Sam winced. “That bad, huh?”

Y/N shook her head. “Not really. I feel fine now. Fine enough to risk a large coffee.” She tilted her head towards the cup before her.

There was one in front of him, too. Where had the coffee come from? He hadn’t even noticed anyone place it on the table.

“Thanks for the water,” she added. “It made all the difference, I think.”

“I’m glad.”

“You didn’t tell me, though,” she insisted, not giving in to his track change. “Did we ever sit on a footpath?”

The impatience and doubt in her voice hinted that she might be remembering exactly what he was. Her hands around his waist, fingers digging into his shirt. Clearly, telling her the truth would only upset her. It was better to play safe.

“Just for a bit. Your feet were hurting.”

“You’re being very illusive,” she accused, eyes narrowed.

“And that’s how I make my living,” he grinned. “Really, though. You were mostly out of it. You fell asleep the minute your head hit the sack.”

“Why did you stay, then?”

Y/N could put the Spanish inquisition to shame, Sam thought, asking the exact questions he didn’t want to answer. 

She’d make a damn good attorney.

“Because I was worried you might get nauseous and then trip on the way to the bathroom.”

“Uhhhgg. This is the worst,” she threw her hands up. “I wish there was some way I could erase that out of your memory.”

If there had been a way, Sam would have resisted with the last bit of his strength. There was no chance he was ever ridding his mind of even a second from last night. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t bring it up,” he said as lightly as he could. “After all, you did save me from those girls last night. Consider us even.”

“You guys want anything else?”

Sam looked up to see Matt standing over him with a huge grin. Sam could take a few guesses about what was on Matt’s mind.

Ignoring Matt’s smirk, Sam looked at Y/N expectantly. 

“Nothing for me. Thank you,” she said shyly.

“The usual for you, Sam?” Matt wiggled his eyebrows. 

He sighed. “I don’t have a usual for food, Matt. You know that I don’t eat here.”

“You liked that burger one time,” he reminded, lingering on purpose, eyes flitting curiously to Y/N for just a second.

“Fine. Get the burger!” And maybe leave us alone.

“Okie dokie,” he grinned again, whistling as he went away, no doubt to gloat to Suzy about how he has successfully taken Sam’s case up.

“Make it to go,” Sam hollered after him.

Right then, his cellphone rang shrilly. Excited, Sam looked at the screen, then rolled his eyes in slight disappointment when he read the name. He put the phone to his ear. “Chase.”

“Samuel!” The voice drawled on the other end. “How be it going, m’ boy?”

“Don’t call me that,” Sam said, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Samuel or m’ boy?”

“Both, just both.” He sighed. “What do you want?”

Y/N was sipping on her coffee, trying to look inconspicuous, but really, it wasn’t like she could avoid listening in on the conversation.

“You were supposed to be at the office, why is your cabin empty?”

Sam knew very well that he had to go through the depositions once more before the hearing on Monday. Chase was the primary, and he wasn’t very confident. He’d asked Sam to go through it. In fact, he’d had Stacey- Sam’s secretary- to put it on Sam’s calendar.

“I’m a bit hungover right now. Just mail the depositions to me?”

“No can do. Come over tomorrow. I want to go over the papers with you.”

“It’s a Sunday!”

Chase laughed. “And when has that stopped you from working?”

It hadn’t, but Sam couldn’t go tomorrow. He had been waiting for a solid month, dragging his way through the day by looking at the photo by his bedside. He couldn't say that out loud with Y/N here, though. 

“Chase,” he said carefully. “I can’t tomorrow. You know what day it is.”

“Oh, right! But I won’t take your whole day. Just drop by in the morning, I swear it won’t be more than an hour. And I’ll owe you one.”

“I’m starting to think, having you owe one is even worse than owing you one.”

Y/N giggled into the cup and then tried to conceal it by coughing. It made Sam smile automatically, but also got him annoyed that he was wasting this stolen time with her on a phone call from Chase Lincoln of all people.

“If that’s it then,” Sam said, pulling the phone away from his ear when Chase’s protests sounded.

“No nooo wait. We didn’t even talk about the weekend.”

“What about the weekend?” 

“It’s the Induction fair, isn’t it?” Chase sounded appalled. “Don’t you teach there? You ought to know, man! We’ll have a blast.”

“It’s only the induction fair. It’s the same every year.”

“But this year Jess is coming.”  Chase stressed. Sam could almost see his shit eating grin. “Ask her out this time, please? By now, you’ll have to relearn how to be around a girl!”

Oh the irony. Sam just might get to be around the girl, if Chase would just shut up. 

“Goodbye, Lincoln!” Sam cut the call, impossibly irritated. Y/N was already done with her coffee while he hadn’t touched his.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised. “It’s work.”

“That’s fine,” she waved it off. “It sounded like you were talking to a friend.”

Chase was his friend- at least when he wasn’t interrupting. He had been working with Sam for years now, as his junior associate. Somewhere between staying up at nights, poring over casefiles and silent, calculative glances in courtrooms, they had become friends.

“He’s alright,” Sam shrugged.

“Were you talking about the Stanford Induction Fair?” 

There was a twinkle in her eye. Y/N was clearly very excited about this. And despite how grumpy he had been when Chase had brought the topic up, Sam wanted to talk all about the Induction fair now. It was fairly basic. The alumni came over for talks and activities. There was a lot of drinking.

“Yes,” he said. “You’re heading the Committee, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am, but you don’t like it very much.” She surmised. Funny how even now, she got him just like that. 

“It means long days and nights, especially since I’ve been invited for a talk,” Sam answered more fully. “Chase is a couple years younger. We were in Stanford at the same time, but I didn’t know him then. He’s usually excited for these kinds of things. Happy to show off for the college girls.”

Y/N giggled. “How will it be different for you?”

“Well, I get to dress casually and bully you newbies around if I want to,” he said, “And oh, you get to call me Sam for the day.”

It wasn’t the right thing to say, because her face fell for an instant. It was a reminder of the past, even if he hadn't meant it that way- of how things had changed. So Sam had been right in his assessment after all. She had suppressed a good chunk of past, buried it so deep down that not even the light of conscious thoughts touched it. 

Y/N rearranged her features back into a smile, the corner of her lips quirked up. “I’m sure the girls club will have a field day with that one.”

Sam felt his cheeks heat up. Here’s something he hadn’t expected. To have his wife tease him about other girls. He was even less excited about the induction knowing that Jess would be there. That was bound to be awkward as it was, but with Y/N heading the preparation, he didn’t know how to maneuver around. He could hope that Y/N wouldn’t remember about his college girlfriend, but it didn’t seem likely. If Y/N had dated anyone before him, Sam wouldn’t have forgotten the name, either.

Jess coming here was like an omen that Sam couldn’t outrun his past. More than that, he couldn’t outrun the conversation he had been putting off for so long now. The hard part was doing it without opening her buried wounds. 

He took a sip of his now cold coffee. “Where does this leave us, Y/N?” Did she notice how his voice softened when he said her name? How could she not? “What’re we going to do?”

“I don’t know,” she said, slowly… almost like her voice was choking up. “I don’t know what to do. But, I do know that I can’t go back to not talking. I can’t go back to that first week. I just can’t.” She was rapidly blinking her eyes.

“I suppose we can, at least, be friends, right?” Sam asked, keeping the hopeless yearning out of his voice and almost succeeding. It was beyond dramatic, but Sam knew he would be devastated if she refused. “We’d started out as friends. We can still do that.”

Don’t say no, Don’t say no.

“What about college?” She asked. “No one can know.”

The relief was a plausible, physical thing. She wasn’t refusing… she was just being pragmatic.

“Then we don’t tell anyone,” he suggested. “How hard can it be?”

Her voice was grim, when she said, “Wouldn’t be the hardest thing in the world.”

***********

You had known that this place was special to Sam the moment the barista’s eyes had lit up, but as he picked up his parcel while leaving, you noticed how Suzy and Matt kept exchanging loaded glances with each other. It looked like Sam was going to have a lot of questions to answer when he came back alone. You weren’t clueless about what was happening. Those two were going to hound him about you, about his date. 

But was that what this was? A date?

He had asked you out, picked the place and paid the bill, despite your protests. In fact, if you didn’t know better, you might have construed all that teasing as light flirting. On your part, you definitely didn’t interact with other people like this. Just Sam. It had always just been Sam.

At first you had feared that he was going to be mad about last night, or worse, hurl all the accusations of the past. Not that you didn’t deserve it, but that would mean the end of whatever you had going for you right now- this careful and fragile relation that Sam wanted to call friendship. You were dubious about the prospect because being with him was like falling. Once you tipped off the edge, you could never go back to the way it was. You could only hurtle downwards with insurmountable speed. Who could ever fight gravity? Loving him was exactly like that- like gravity. Even when you had been standing at the edge of the cliff, resisting that fall, it was his love that kept you tethered to the ground.

“You’re quiet,” he noted, walking next to you.

And despite your better judgement, you spit out the truth, “I’m waiting for you to… not be so calm.”

He didn’t say anything, and when you couldn’t take it anymore, you looked up at his face. Sam was frowning lightly, not like he was angry, but like he was trying to frame words. “It’s not coming, Y/N. Anger or whatever it is you’re waiting for.” He looked at you for just a split second and you saw through him clearly in that moment. 

Sam had been angry at some point, maybe even more than that. Your insides started to feel like they were being pierced with tiny needles at the thought of what must have happened after you left. You couldn’t let yourself think about it, and Sam could see that. He could see right through you, and just how easy it would be to riddle you with holes by firing questions. Maybe he still cared enough to not want to see you in such a pitiable state. Or maybe the anger wasn’t coming now. Either way, he didn’t seem to want to elaborate, and you were too damn scared to ask. 

There was something else that you wanted to know about. You had been dying to know since you first saw him.

“Can I ask you something?” You asked hesitantly.

Sam looked wary but he nodded. “Sure, anything.”

“How’s….” Your throat closed up. “How’s Jo? And Dean and aunt El?”

Sam’s stiff shoulders relaxed and a hint of a smile touched his lips. You felt yourself deflate right along with him, the answer clear on his face before he even spoke the words. 

“Jo-” The grin widened- “Jo’s doing great. She runs the diner now… took over from Ellen five years ago. Ellen’s part of this biker gang. From what I know, she’s loving life on the road. Jo’s expanding the business, owns two more diners. And Dean’s pretty much the same. They got married two summers ago.”

You stopped walking. “Got… married…?” You blinked, feeling a wetness at the corner of your eyes. And yet your lips were stretching into a smile.

“Yes,” he said smiling, as well, “They’re very happy.”

You hurried to wipe your tears, feeling the extreme joy warring against the immense sadness. Jo and Dean deserved this happiness more than about anyone you knew. You had teased your cousin endlessly about how they might end up having the same surname one day, and then they would be twice the sisters than they already were. Every cell in your body missed her.

Sam seemed to be on the verge of adding some more, but he stopped himself. You wondered what it was that he wasn’t telling you. Was it the same church they had married in? Had she missed you? Did she still miss you at all? 

If that was the case, you were glad that Sam didn’t say anything more. You didn’t know what would hurt worse- the confirmation or the denial. As for you? You were elated that your family was safe and happy.

It wasn’t hard to see that Sam had been very careful today about what he said, clearly being evasive, but you wouldn’t dream of pushing him on that. Whatever you were getting out of his words, his company and his kindness was still more than you could ever ask for. You knew that very well.

The two of you were almost to the turn of your building, the high wall with creepers coming into view.

“Y/N,” Sam said as you reached the gate- each time he said your name, a spark flew through your body. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you… from the very moment I saw you.”

“Y-yeah?” You stuttered.

“I-" He whispered, voice fervent, "I’m… just so incredibly proud of you, Y/N! You did it! You got into Stanford!”

He breathed out heavily, as if the words had been waiting to burst out.

“They were running through resumes to form the committee for the induction fair, I happened to read yours,” Sam continued, “Pre-law and a license for paralegal practice while working two jobs? That’s just-” he looked around to find the right word- “That’s phenomenal! And you got in with a full-ride! Not that I doubted it for a second. But it doesn’t make me feel any less vindicated. Doesn’t make me any less proud.”

You put your face in both your hands and finally started shaking, crying into your palms.

“Hey?” Very tentatively his hand landed on your shoulder, his fingers curling to the shape of it. “What’s wrong?”

You shook your head, not taking your hands away from your face. What were you going to tell him? That you didn’t think there was anyone left anymore who’d be happy for you? Let alone be proud? The day that you had opened the acceptance letter for Stanford, your very soul wanted to run towards Sam, the way your nineteen year old self had, barefooted and in pouring rain. Even in those dark days, when you tried with all your might to not think about him, for that one day you had allowed yourself to freely imagine how Sam would have reacted to the news. He had always pushed you, drilled it in your head that no law school was beneath you. He’d wanted this for you more than you had wanted it for yourself. And here you were, getting to live the moment. See the absolute victory in his eyes.

Sam’s grip on your shoulder tightened. “Y/N, you have to know, no matter the circumstances, no matter if we had met or not, I would’ve always been proud of you. Always. You can’t seriously question that!”

It made you cry harder. 

Sam’s other hand came to rest over yours, on your face. “You know those girls in your apartment really don’t like me. I swear if they see you crying now, one of them is going to come at me with a machete.”

You laughed despite yourself and turned a bit to wipe your face on your scarf. It was regretful that it meant Sam had to drop both his hands. You could smell his cologne, the one that you'd gifted him.

“I’m sorry,” you said. “Yesterday I passed out on you and today I’m a blubbering mess.”

Beyond the tall gates, the fountain in the meadow gurgled softly.

“I guess I’ll see you Monday, then?” You asked, feeling more dejected than you should have. 

“Soon,” Sam sighed, and absentmindedly, from the sheer force of habit, just like he had done a hundred times before, he stepped, hand twitching to reach out to your cheek. Halfway there, he took a deep breath and placed it against your arm instead. “I’ll see you soon, Y/N.”

With that he sidestepped and started walking back the way you had come. You stared after him. Just around the corner he turned back and called. “Go in, it’s starting to get cold. And oh, say hi to Judgy Judy for me!” With a wink he turned the corner and disappeared out of sight.

Judgy Judy? What the hell had happened last night?

In a daze, you crossed the meadow and climbed up the stairs, completely forgetting the lift. Lost in thought, you turned the key in the lock and were met by an uproar the moment the door opened.

“See, now you’re dead, Y/N!” Kevin said, exasperated.

“Excuse me, what?”

Kevin was standing on the Sofa along with Jack. Meg was sitting on the kitchen island with both her feet drawn up and Cas was standing on the parapet of the balcony.

“And now you’re deader than dead. Get out of the lava!” Jack sighed.

Either you were very slow or the world wasn’t making sense anymore.

“We’re playing the floor is lava,” Cas explained patiently from the other end of the room. “And you’re charring very quickly by standing there.”

You yanked your shoes and hurried over to Meg’s bean bag, opposite to the balcony and jumped on it. 

“It doesn’t matter now, you’re already dead,” Kevin announced.

“Hey, asshole, it’s her house,” Meg said. “She gets an extra life, or you get kicked out. Take a pick.”

“Fine, if you want to play it like that,” Kevin huffed. 

The bean bag was placed such that you were standing closest to Cas, who turned slightly pink when he met your gaze. So Meg had told him that you knew. 

You threw him a huge grin, but Cas’s eyes zeroed in on you. “Have you been crying?” He asked. 

Well, so much for escaping the observant guys of this building. You shook your head. 

“I’m standing on the balcony, you know. I can see the gate from here,” he said mildly. Cas wasn’t trying to force anything out of you, he was just concerned, which made it even easier to tell him.

“I’m really happy, Cas. Don’t worry about it.”

His blue eyes tightened for a second, then the twinkle returned in them. “You’re happy,” he said, lips twitching, “But are you alive?” The next moment, he stepped on the bean bag, throwing you out of balance and you had to step down on the carpet to steady yourself.

“C’mon, she’s dead for real this time,” Kevin complained, looking at Meg, who shrugged. 

“I tried, Y/N.”

But you were happy to take the next turn to be the counter as everyone scrambled up again, and take the turn after that, and do it with a smile. Tonight you wouldn’t stop smiling.

***************************

A/N 2: Who’s happy that we are getting some happy stuff?

*Raises hand* ME!

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[elixir448]

Good Girls 3x01 Thoughts and A Very Bad Attempt at Speculation

What an episode! I felt like we were moving at breakneck speed and the commercial breaks weren’t enough time for me to catch my breath. It was super fun to watch the episode live with everyone and freak out together, even though I doubt I’ll be able to pull it off next week.

Anyway, if it’s not obvious, I really loved the episode and now that I’ve had some time to digest everything that happened, I have a lot of thoughts.

Opening Montage

This show loves a good montage, particularly an opening montage. This one did not disappoint and really dove straight into the meat of the episode, which was Beth struggling with her guilt over shooting Rio (see below) and the girls trying to perfect their counterfeit cash.

I love that there was no dilly-dallying. No prolonged pretense that the girls are law-abiding citizens now. Nope, they’re trying to do everything they can to get their money-making hustle started up. All the jobs make so much sense:

Beth - she loves crafting, she uses it all the time and she’s good at it. There’s literally no place that makes more sense for her to work at!

Ruby - I recall from last season that she had a friend who worked at a nail salon and did her nails for Thanksgiving and it just makes sense that she would be good at doing nails since hers have always been on point during the last two seasons.

Annie - the shot where she was skidding into view was perfect! The job fits so well with her recklessness and I felt like it was such a good callback to her driving the Porsche in 1x01.

Beth’s Guilt

I know people have had a lot of thoughts regarding this. I agree with some of them and not so much with others. Personally, I think it was well-handled overall and I don’t think we’ve seen everything that this storyline has to offer yet. We’re only on episode 1 of a 16 episode season!

One of the main complaints I’ve seen is that Beth was pretty flippant at times with the fact that she killed Rio, saying things like “I don’t wanna bring him back” and “I think we could take him because I’m guessing he’s mostly skull.” While I agree that these remarks are flippant and disrespectful, I also think it’s really significant that this only happened in the presence of other people, like Ruby, Annie and Dean. In the first instance, with Ruby and Annie, I think she was trying to downplay the extent of how messed up she must have been feeling to have approached Rhea and Marcus in the first place; by saying that she doesn’t want Rio back, it makes it seem as though her only intent was to try to help Rhea and Marcus in some way, rather than because of the fact that she has been profoundly traumatised by what happened. Don’t even get me started on the fact that Ruby points out “It’s not going to bring him back!” This is Beth’s best friend and sister and for her to feel the need to point this out shows that she recognises that there is something extremely unhealthy about Beth’s behaviour but also that it’s about more than just guilt.

With Dean, I think it’s notable that he apologised about the fact he brought up Rio, acknowledging that it might be a trigger for Beth. That indicates that over the 4 month time skip that we’ve had, it’s potentially an issue that has come up. By living in the same household as her, he maybe picked up on the fact that she is not, in fact, okay. Trigger is a word that is very much used in the context of mental health issues and it’s significant to me that even Dean has picked up on this. Furthermore, she never even mentioned that she was going to paint the girls’ room purple to him; she clearly doesn’t value his opinion very much and we know that Beth is a fairly emotionally clammed-up character; I can’t see her revealing the slightest thing to Dean about how she feels regarding Rio’s death, beyond her crying and collapsing into Dean in 2x13 following the shock and trauma of it all.

Another thing that’s important to acknowledge is that nobody, not Dean and not even Ruby or Annie, knew what Beth and Rio were to each other. Hell, Beth didn’t even know what they were to each other. They shifted from antagonists, to two people who were orbiting around one another, back to antagonists, to two people who had sex, to business partners, to friends (and very tentatively on Beth’s part, Rio was a confidante for her), to lovers and then to ‘work’. There was probably so much more in between and a lot of overlap. Even the terminology I’ve used here doesn’t really fit their relationship! I mean, it’s hard to put the label of lovers on Beth and Rio when they had sex twice and never even had a defined sexual relationship. And they were always orbiting around one another. They still are. They never interacted once in this episode and yet Rio’s shadow hangs over almost all of Beth’s scenes. These storylines are driving the plot forwards and this episode basically pulled that rope that’s been around the two of them for so long now even tighter.

Let’s bear in mind Ruby and, in particular, Annie’s reaction to finding out that Beth and Rio had sex; basically, they were shocked, horrifed and, on Annie’s part, judgemental. They never saw Beth and Rio in the moments that we, the audience, saw them in. In 2x09, Dean believed that Beth having sex with Rio was a direct consequence of him cheating when we know it wasn’t; Beth also hit Dean right where it hurts and said that she just really liked having sex with Rio but we know that she was emasculating Dean in that moment.

By acknowledging how torn up she is over Rio’s death, Beth would have to unpack everything she felt for Rio, after she ‘murdered’ him. She was never able to do this even while he was alive; in fact, she struggled to even acknowledge what was happening and the connection between them. If she shared this with the people in her lives, none of whom understood what she and Rio were to one another...well, what would be the point? He’s gone, she feels guilty and the truth is that guilt and remorse don’t bring people back from the dead.

We get it but they don’t and they never have.

The other complaint I’ve seen is that Beth’s guilt seems to be solely tied to taking Rio away from his son. I can partially understand this but I do think that it’s not the sole reason for Beth’s guilt and it certainly wasn’t the only reason for her guilt that was depicted in this episode. The opening montage alone is a terrific example of this.

It starts with Beth in this dimly lit environment and then when she snaps out of it and realises she’s in front of a customer, we see that she’s actually in a shop and the customer is in a brightly lit portion of it, in front of the counter, while it’s much darker behind Beth. It might mean nothing but the way that scene starts really indicates to me that thinking of Rio takes Beth to a dark place.

In the opening scene, Beth reflects on Rio. The man. The fact that this was a man she knew. But did she really? He’s gone now though. And she feels weird. Suddently confronted by the abruptness of death. There’s no mention of his family in this scene at all. She thinks mainly about his death, how it’s haunting her and how she isn’t sure if she ever really knew him. It’s clear to me that she doesn’t just feel guilty because of Marcus. The scene really underlines how much time Beth has spent thinking about Rio and about him alone.

Despite this, she has four kids. The introduction of Marcus in 2x01 gave Beth an insight into Rio’s life that he had carefully orchestrated to make her realise that they were more similar than she wanted to admit and that they had similar motivations. Their children are certainly not the only things in their lives that connect them. Beth and Rio see each other and they always have. They enjoy the thrill they get from crime but they also have families to provide for. It’s justified until it isn’t. Basically, I think Marcus being a major perpetuating factor for Beth’s guilt makes complete sense and it would be strange if this was less of a factor than it was portrayed as in this episode. They were both parents and of course Marcus is representative of the pain she caused when she shot Rio.

Rhea’s Cheque and Rio’s Money

I’m going to include this discussion here just because I think it links up nicely with Beth’s guilt. Also I weirdly love that Beth and Rhea were wearing the same colour in this scene. I don’t really know what it represents but Rhea has clearly opened up to Beth over the past 4 months and Beth opened up to Rhea in this scene, sharing her financial troubles, so maybe it has something to do with that.

It was so difficult to watch these events unfold on screen. I remember thinking gosh, I really hope Beth doesn’t cash that cheque but also kind of hoping she would because of the plot potential with the consequences of such an action.

Beth is at her very lowest here. I think the last time we saw her come close to this was when Dean took the kids in 2x08 and we saw the aftermath of that in 2x09. Emotionally, financially, ethically and morally, she has hit an absolute low and she knows it. She obviously feels like a crap person and spent the entire night thinking about cashing the cheque, about Rio, about Rhea and about Marcus. Honestly, it’s heartbreaking to watch.

I think it’s really important to highlight the financial burden she’s facing at the moment. She risks losing the roof over her family’s heads. Her kids’ heads. Her babies.

It’s also important to point out that, of the three girls, Beth is the only one who is in a dire financial situation right now. Stan is raking in the money at his new job, even though both he and Ruby clearly don’t love it, and the Hills are making ends meet for Sara’s post-transplant medications. Also, as they no longer seem to be paying a lawyer to have the charges against Stan dropped, it looks like that financial burden has been removed too. Annie no longer has to pay a custody lawyer and is not at risk of losing Sadie (I have no clue what happened with the drug felony charges; I think that was dropped as a storyline between seasons 1 and 2); I do think she needs money for hormonal blockade medication but it was not mentioned in this episode. My point is that, in this episode, it’s very clear that Beth is in big trouble financially and is imminently at risk of losing their family home.

I love that the writer’s aren’t shying away from the implications of such an action and that it’s a real moral dillema, both for Beth and for us as the audience. They aren’t portraying Beth as a sanctimonious individual in this episode. She doesn’t know that Rio’s coming for her so she has nothing to fear on that front in this episode. She ruminates for an entire night. Just because she thought long and hard about it doesn’t justify her actions. Of course it doesn’t! It’s still utterly reprehensible and she’s agonising over that. But it’s necessary. And I love that the writer’s are choosing to depict such a complex, deplorable act on screen by a main character!

New and Returning Side Characters

JT - I cannot even begin to describe how happy I was to see JT in the first episode. We knew he was returning from the news during hiatus but this was even better than I expected. The actor had such brilliant chemistry with Retta in season 2 and with Christina and Mae in 2x09. The four of them just clicked and were hilarious in the two scenes they shared in this episode. I wonder if the issue with him using Ruby’s address for access to her school district will be explored further in this season or if that storyline won’t be mentioned again, especially since it seems that scam is just running in the background now!

Lucy - She is just precious! I adore her already and Charlyne Yi is amazing. I am so consistently impressed by the casting for this show and I really feel like Charlyne is going to fill the James Lesure shaped hole in my heart right now. She clearly adores Oju (sorry if I’ve spelt that incorrectly!) and I’m starting to wonder if Annie kidnaps Oju as a way of preventing Lucy from getting in their way, for example, if she demands a cut or if she decides to tell someone about the counterfeit cash or take advantage of the girls in some other way, just like they have with her. Or perhaps Rio interacts with Lucy at some point this season? Oh my god. All the possibilities are making my head spin!

Krystal - What a genuine sweetheart! Noureen DeWulf did an incredible job and I pretty much fell in love Krystal immediately. The fact that she thought to give a gift basket to the Hills? And the whole scene with the gag reflex? I adore her. I’m really crossing my fingers for a Stan and Krystal friendship arc. They are both such wholesome individuals and I hope that Ruby comes to recognise Krystal for who she seems to be so far, which is a genuinely nice gal. Also, we know that Onyx (played by Megan thee Stallion) is going to be up to no good so I’m excited to see her interact with Krystal and Stan on screen! God please give me Krystal and Stan having each other’s backs.

Rhea - Jackie Cruz is a boss. From what I’ve seen bouncing about on Tumblr, she’s supposed to be appearing in 4 episodes of what has been filmed so far. I really loved her and Beth’s friendship in this episode, even though the foundation of it is deceitful and extremely unhealthy on Beth’s part. I’m not sure if Rhea will find out what Beth has done and I can only imagine the fallout and angst should Rio ever share it with her. But I can’t help but love the two of them. I mean they were chatting about hot coaches! We rarely see Beth loosen up like that with people. Just compare it to her interacting with the PTA mums in 2x10. The difference in Beth’s demeanour is striking. I’ve seen some theories that Rhea already knows who Beth is and is playing her, which is definitely possible. My gut instinct says no but my theories for this show have been wrong so many times before. I also just want to see Rio’s face when he realises that Beth has inserted herself into this private part of his life; he’s going to be absolutely furious and I am here for that plot.

Marcus - How were the fandoms predictions and fanfic writers’ portrayal of this character so accurate? He’s an angel. And he and Jane are clearly best friends! Is this what dreams are made of? And he loves planes too. This episode. Oh my god, this episode is feeding me. Please let Rio give Marcus the planes he made in that hotel room. Please! Ahem, moving on. Manny has said several times that their is something that stops Rio from killing Beth in this season, a line that he won’t cross and that it’s addressed early on. I’ve seen some theories that it could be because Marcus adores Beth. It definitely could be! But I wonder if there is another reason why, particularly if the doors into the crime world are really blown off their hinges in this season and they have a common adversary or goal.

The Hills

I cannot emphasise how much I love Stan and Ruby. For me, they are definitely the heart of the show alongside the three girls. This episode really doubled down on that and I missed them so much.

So the Hills are managing to pay for Sara’s meds, particularly with the money from Stan’s new job. It seems that he’s having to step in to prevent people getting too forward at the strip club and is getting into some physical altercations because of it. I am so excited for his storyline this season, especially after Manny said that it is the storyline he is most excited about. I mean, I’m scared. But here for it.

Sara’s struggling with her meds and I remain shocked by how completely adorable lil’ money is.

I’ve already said it but I want a Krystal and Stan friendship. I’m so curious to see how the strip club ties into the overall plot of the season. It has to have something to do with the counterfeit cash right? And maybe Onyx becomes involved at some point?

Ruby’s scene on the phone with Gwen is so incredibly important. I always do my best to be nice to people who I’m on the phone with, even when it’s frustrating. The scene was so well done and I loved the message of how you don’t know what someone else going through. So be nice. And we know Ruby’s nice. But she’s also scared for her daughter and frustrated with Stan’s job and we all get it. Even Gwen does.

Annie and Sadie 

Oooooofffft. Could that call out have felt more like a burn? I feel like Annie kind of needed to hear this and what Mae has said in her interview, about Annie becoming more cautious and little more introspective, makes so much sense now. Of course it would be Sadie that would trigger such a shift! Although not for long apparently, given the inappropriate crush that Annie seems to develop (from 3x04 synopsis); I do still think that it’ll be on the doctor that Rob Heaps has been cast as but I kinda wish it would be some else. I am curious to see how the writers handle this moving forwards because Annie’s already done some pretty serious self-reflection in this episode and I really do think that whatever happens, she’s not just going to forget what Sadie said. I imagine it’s something she’ll struggle with this season. 

Also, fuck Noah (I posted the exact same thing while watching the episode). He sucks.

That scene with the toothbrush had me hollering. I know some people hated it but I guffawed my way through it. For me, Mae really delivered on the hilarity in this episode, alongside Lucy. Her bickering with Ruby while she was trying to make a dumb point was sooo good.

Agent Turner

I know a lot of people hated Turner and are glad that his character’s gone. But god, I’m going to miss that obsessive, sanctimonious son of a bitch. I adored him as a character and James Lesure was absolutely fantastic. Also, can I just say that he was a total snack? Especially in that suit. Killer. I’m also kind of bitter than I won’t see some of my wishes come true this season, mainly seeing more scenes between Beth and Agent Turner and them having a drink together, even if they were still antagonists. We coulda had it aaaallllllll!!!!!!

I’m really, really going to feel James Lesure’s absence and I wish him well on his next project.

I love that the writers understood the importance of giving him a final scene with Beth. These two have been playing a cat and mouse game for two seasons and I needed a farewell to their relationship. His pop-by on Beth’s place of employment was really well done and Christina and James killed it, although they always do so why am I surprised. Him saying “It’s not easy making an honest living” really takes me back to the moral hypocrisy he displayed with Stan in season 2, stating that he did what he had to, to get to the letter of the law. Don’t get me wrong, I love complex, rich, fun characters like Turner and I really like that writers chose to display this facet of his character again, with him fully believing that he has the moral high ground over Beth.

Rio

Right. As soon as I saw Turner walking with that plastic bag in his hand, I knew he was going to see Rio! The planes! The planes! If he gives a plane to Marcus in the next episode, I will die. Happily.

Also, I was struck all over again by the way Rio moves, talks and his presence in that scene in the hotel room. Manny brings so much to the character and it’s really amazing to watch.

We got some really important insight into Rio’s character in this episode, one of which is that there have been significant periods where he has been absent from Marcus’ life, which is such a great piece of character insight. We saw Beth struggle to balance crime and family in season 2. We saw Rio attempt to comfort her and share his own experience in 2x09 (”It’s lonely at the top.”) and I really loved that this episode shed some light on the fact that Rio is like Beth in this aspect. That he struggles just like her and misses his kid. Retrospectively, it adds this kind of tragic depth to the first bar scene in 2x09.

That last scene. Ohohohohoho. So much to talk about. It seems pretty clear to me that Rio has a pretty solid alibi with how much he interacted with the lady in the hotel lobby. I love that, of all things, he wants to chat loyalty points and EXCUSE ME “NEAT”. I never thought I would hear that word come out of Rio’s mouth but here we are. And I’m into it. Also, the way his voice shifts when he says business. Oh boy oh boy.

So it seems pretty clear that Rio’s spent the past 4 months playing Turner, clearing the board for himself to come in (I think this is going to have repercussions which I love because we always see the consequences of the girls’ actions but rarely of Rio’s actions). I’m also really curious to find out if Carlos Aviles’ character was in the van and if he’ll say anything about it? Maybe to Beth or if we’ll see him and Rio interacting at some point this season.

The whole thing with the billboard was a great touch and really doubled down on how devious but also cocky Rio is. I really got the same vibe from the final scene of the The Usual Suspects, where Kyser Soze uses the items around him in the room to construct an elaborate, convincing lie for law enforcement. And they fall for it. Gosh, brilliant.

Also, loved Rio’s outfit in that last scene. And looks like there’s no nose ring either. I had a feeling there wouldn’t be, even with the video that dropped on Valentine’s day just because of that shot of Rio in the season 3 trailer, without a nose ring.

So that’s it! I have no clue where else to slot this in but Beth’s hair and clothes. A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++!!!!!!!!!! Like, her hair doesn’t really look like a wig anymore and those sweaters. THOSE WELL-FITTED BLOUSES. I could not stop staring. She’s a literal angel.

Also, quick warning that I’ll probably reblog and add stuff to this because I’ve definitely left some stuff off of this because I’m too tired to finish.

[sieben9]

“tougher than the rest” impressions

{Quick request to anyone reading: I’m watching OUaT for the first time, and I want to avoid spoilers. So, if you want to discuss something spoilery, I’d be grateful if you could start a new post for that. Thank you!}

Help, I am having an emotion!

Several, actually.

Too many, really. There was a lot going on, and I shall yell about it under the cut.

OK, first of all, August, we have to talk.

also yay, August is here!

That is not how “The Ugly Duckling” goes. I went and checked. The poor little guy didn’t even know what a swan was (and, apparently, neither did anyone else) until the very end. I mean, the reader reaction can’t be wrong, as we know, but I think this tale can be much more easily interpreted as a story about the importance of finding a community you can be yourself in than a parable about “changing your fate by wishing hard enough”. But I see where you’re coming from, so I shouldn’t be too much of an ass about it, I guess.

And while I’m going off at people: take a goddamn nap, David. Poor Snow is missing all the action, and it’s not like you’d be the one who would tell her that Emma is gone. (Also, Regina is on the job. You should know she’s got this. Seriously, my guy. Sleep. It’s nice.)

someone give this man some valerian tea

Speaking of Regina…

…OK, maybe she hasn’t quite got this. Look, I do like the exploration of “what could have been” here, and the scene with the feather was really sweet. That said, bringing this guy along is so going to bite them in the ass later on. I’m not even wondering at this point, I just know. And I like this Robin! It’s not that I think he’s a terrible person, why can nobody see that? He’s just… trouble. Then again, at least he knows how to pick a lock. And am I the only one who’s wondering if Rumple actually wanted them to escape? Because that was awfully easy, I have to say. “Just let me leave you both in this cell that’s not locked with magic and then leave for an undetermined amount of time so you can sort out your emotional baggage and escape.” Yeah, something’s off there.

And speaking of wish!Rumple…

somehow I cannot help but notice that this is NOT a complete human skeleton. what, pray tell, happened to the rest of her?

Dark, show! Please pick up a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and ask yourself, very seriously, “was this necessary?” I’ll wait.

You know, I assumed the “off to raze some fake villages” thing was an off-colour joke, but considering that this version of Rumplestiltskin has now lost both Belle and his son twice, I wouldn’t be surprised if he just went through with that.

And, really, nobody bothered to check the extremely obvious and very high tower in Regina’s castle? What happened to the other prisoners? Are there just a dozen people dead, not for any cause or crime, but simply because they were stuck in Regina’s dungeon and nobody bothered to free or feed them? Really, show? (I’m not even blaming Snowing for this, it’s just too ridiculous an idea.) Could at least have had Rumple say something about how the tower could only be accessed by magic, or something. I’m willing to accept a handwave here, but you have to actually wave the hand!

::deep breath:: OK. That’s out, now. Bye, bye, wish realm, and thank you for all the glorious fanfic.

Oh, before we go, have another picture of happy, well-groomed woodcarver!Pinnochio and happy pornwriter!August.

I don’t know, I just have a soft spot for the guy.

Back in the real world…

I am going to personally murder the Black Fairy! : D

And I was going to say “unless Rumple gets there first”, but honestly, the guy already had to kill one of his parents twice, so I’d say he deserves the break. Belle can have this one. The Gold family really got hit with the full dose of OUaT’s Bad Parenthood Shit, didn’t it? Parents separated from their child, child kidnapped, child returns a fully-grown adult with a terrible childhood… As hilarious as Gideon’s “I don’t need your help!”-tantrum was, the poor guy is clearly hurting badly, and… I don’t even know. Just let them be happy? Please? (Which is more than a little difficult, because those 28 years aren’t just going to go away. They never saw their son grow up, and instead of a loving home with two parents who adored him, Gideon had… whatever that shit in the flashbacks was. …did I mention that I am going to murder the Black Fairy? Because I will.)

Oh, and just as an afterthought... wanna see two people go through four out of five stages of grief in under a second? (Different stages on each face) Because this is what happened when Rumple asks “did she hurt you?” and Gideon answers “depends what you mean” (which means “yes”, obviously):

Enjoy!

I’m… not going to comment on the whole “if Emma dies, there will be a new Saviour” thing, because I was not aware that being the Saviour worked the same way as being the Slayer, and until I get more information, I’m not going to speculate too much. Current hypothesis: he’s lying for some reason or other.

Really, the only good thing to come of this is that Belle and Rumple almost automatically started working together again, because whatever their faults and differences, their main concern is their child.

…and they seem pretty much completely alone in that. This scene was just baffling. I mean, I get it. David’s daughter is in danger, of course he’s going to put her wellbeing first. It’s a terrible choice to make, but I won’t blame him for choosing his daughter. That said, the complete lack of sympathy from both him and Hook was staggering. If they’d said “well, sucks to be you”, it couldn’t have been much colder. Like I said, not expecting either of them to lie to Belle, but some show of “oh no, that must be terrible, is there any way I can help?” would have been the decent thing to do. What the hell, Charming?

And while Belle was over at the loft getting absolutely no help and even less sympathy…

Someone please tell me why I have this weakness for characters with a massive streak of self-loathing? Or, rather, don’t. I don’t think I’d like the explanation very much.

This scene was so good, though. And heartbreaking. Mostly heartbreaking. Because not only is this the first time Rumple is alone with his son, he’s also pretty clearly testing just how far “gone” Gideon is. Please don’t imagine the thought process that must have gone into “now let me check if my only living child is completely evil”, because it is not a happy picture. And just… everything about this. Rumple’s desperation. The “make me pay”/”hit me” that starts off taunting and ends up nearly begging, because of course he’s blaming himself for this. That’s how people react to tragedies, and in this case, it’s a whole mess of “if we’d only” and… guh. Pain. There is a lot of it.

And speaking of pain…

“Please, he’s my son.”

For the record: yes, the sound of wailing in the distance was, in fact, me. I’d just heard this line of dialogue, and there’s… a lot going on there. Both on Rumple’s and on Emma’s part, I think.

I assume that when he says those words, it reminds Emma of that day in the woods, when, you know, the man she loved died in her arms and his father was helpless to do anything about it. And I think we can safely assume that Rumple remembers the exact same thing, because how could he not?

And as a “bonus”: Emma now has memories of her wishverse-self, who clearly had a loving and happy relationship with that Baelfire, however long it lasted. His portrait was displayed in a prominent place. She told her son about him. I can’t help but wonder how that played into her emotional landscape, here.

Whatever her thoughts on the matter, she did the Emma thing in the end and let him go, so… yeah. Big relief, there. Apart from “how about we don’t murder the kidnapping victim”, killing a child in front of their parents just seems… several shades darker than this show needs to go.

behold: the most awkward parting in this show’s history

This moment was actually darkly hilarious to me. Because you could see them both going “oh, right… we’re not actually back together. we should… yeah. bye. laters.”

And I’m not complaining, because that led to the scene at the well, which… I died. I just dropped dead from my chair, and I only came back to life so I could see the rest of this arc.

Look at my two idiots, not fucking up at a well, for once. …OK, it’s the second time, technically, but still. People on this show make a lot of bad decisions around this well.

@idesignedthefjords and I were joking that the only reasonable explanation here is that they were saving up all the good dialogue and character development in 6A for this scene here. They actually get to talk! About their fears, and insecurities, and how their good intentions paved the road to this hell. I can believe this dialogue, even when I don’t agree with all of it. Oh, and what Rumple said about being “so desperate that [you] reach for the cure, when in fact it’s more poison”? Yeah, he was totally talking about Gideon there. Sure he was. That’s what this whole bit of the conversation was about. (Pssst, he was talking about himself, mostly.)

They just were both so very, very tired, and it hurt to watch. Because this isn’t the end of their troubles by a long shot. Frankly, I’m still waiting for the Black Fairy to make a personal appearance, because I know what Murphy’s Law is, thank you very much.

and we just had that fixed, too...

[kinetic-elaboration]

The 100 Ask Game

Tagged by @thelittlefanpire --thank you! This looks like fun.

Soooo okay, first, full disclosure: I haven’t watched S5. I stopped watching toward the end of S4 for Reasons. So there might be a little bit of salt and/or confusion in some of my answers. But only a little; this blog is still a positive space and it is, of course, Show Night: a big fandom night regardless of my personal participation.

1. What Station on the Ark would you be from?

Hmm. Well I have farmers and factory workers in my family but I don't know which end of a wrench is up myself. I guess I'd probably be from one of the stations we know nothing about like Hydro or Tesla. It would be cool to be from Mecha but I'm not a mechanical person in the slightest lol.

2. What would you get arrested for on the Ark?

Probably theft. I'm not a thief in real life but I do like eating and comfort and I'm p. sure the only way to get anything above subsistence-level rations on the Ark is to do some law-breaking.

3. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground?

I'm too much of a rule-follower to do it on my own but I would definitely be a sucker for Bellamy's "take off your wrist band as payment for some delicious puma meat" plan. To heck with this silly piece of metal, I want to eat.

4. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..)

Some sort of large cat. Or small cat, not picky.

5. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be?

If Wells counts as a minor character, then Wells. Otherwise...perhaps M'Benge. He looked like a promising delinquent.

6. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they?

Bellamy, Clarke, Raven, Jasper, and Monty. This is partly practical--I do think they're the smartest/most capable members of the group--but also partly about the Narrative. They're my favorites.

7. What Grounder Clan would you belong to you?

I guess Trikru based on where I live? Or again, some clan we know nothing about. I don't know anything about Trikru's non-warriors so perhaps I could be one of them.

8. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? (example: Octavia=Okteivia…just make it up!)

Skipping this one because I don't give my real name or any variants online, sorry.

9. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious

Okay. My general thought on Finn is that he had an appropriately sized role in the narrative--which is more than I can say about a lot of other characters, many of whom, imo, were either killed too early, or too late/not at all when they should have been, or who take up way too much screen time, or are given way too little for their worth. But Finn contributed decently well to the first season--sometimes oddly, in that, once he outlived his usefulness as a love interest, he was shoe-horned into a Peacemaker role that probably should have been Wells's. But at least he was contributing a needed and consistent POV. And while I go back and forth a bit on how realistic I find his season 2 breakdown... I think it is more realistic than not, at least narratively. He seems like the sort who would have a breakdown after a battle, and the short timespan of 2A makes it more likely, not less, to me, that he would spiral quickly into something so atrocious: no time to cool down, to get perspective, to heal. Also, he had a completely unique story, which is also pretty rare on a show that likes to reuse its plot points. (Sorry! It does though.) I can also honestly say that Finn's death and funeral still ranks as one of the most resonant and heartbreaking moments of the series, for me. I have a hard time with any sort of capital punishment story line usually but I really felt for this one and I think it was very well done.

So basically what I'm saying is that I think Finn was decently well used as a character--like B+ narrative role, docked for the random interest in peace and the occasionally annoying nature of his personality. Because he could be annoying. He and Clarke didn't have much chemistry and he and Raven had surprisingly little, too, given how important they allegedly were to each other. And one of the good aspects of his death was that, not only was the event itself well-constructed and moving, but he wasn't exactly missed, by me or by the story, after he was gone. He served his purpose. I'm glad he wasn't on the show longer. (Except for that post speculating on a Finn/Murphy redemption arc/love story, which I would have watched and cheered on for sure.)

I don't hate him, though, and it does annoy me a little that he almost always shows up in fic as the 2d villain, the shitty ex/boyfriend, the annoyance. I mean, I get the appeal of having a readily available character like that (ngl I've used him that way at least once myself) but like.... it's not my fave trope, let's put it that way.

10. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does?

I've thought about this some, not so much as it pertains to me, but in comparison to some other Failed Utopia plots in other fiction, and because my sleeping beauty au involves Clarke taking the chip, and it was very hard for me to bring her to a place where I felt like she could realistically, and in an in-character way, make that choice. But it's also been a while since I watched S3 and it's difficult for me to remember at what point different aspects of the CoL became obvious to the characters. Certainly, I can see the appeal. I think anyone can. It's an interesting concept and one I actually wished had gotten more time in the show... I think anything that obviously perfect (live forever in a wonderful city, away from pain and death and hardship!) should immediately cause warning bells: what's the catch here? Taking the chip without knowing the answer to that question is an assumption of the risk sort of situation, except you can't predict what the risk is, and the stakes are enormously high. Not exactly smart, and I like to think I am smart. I also have a great fear of AI and VR, which would make me wary.

On the other hand, I'd do poorly in the impoverished landscape of the post-apocalypse, which might make the chip more tempting. Also, if ALIE and friends tortured me or someone I loved, I would take the chip like that. No question, I am weak.

11. What character do you relate to most?

I relate to the intensity of Jasper's feelings, and to Monty's method of shutting down emotionally as a survival mechanism.

Generally I wouldn't say I have much in common with any of the characters, though, and I don't really watch because I 'relate' to anyone, personally.

12. What character do you like the least?

My first instinct is to say I dislike a lot of the characters, which is true but... I also spend almost no time thinking about the ones I dislike. My fandom experience at this point is very much about retreating into the aspects of the show/canon/fanon I like, and ignoring everything else. That said... probably M/di and J/rdan because the whole concept of a Next Generation down from the delinquents offends me, and also because they're both so universally loved that it's quite hard to avoid them. Also b/c J's name corresponding to that of my fave character makes blacklisting really obnoxious lol.

13. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical)

Mmm, something comfortable. A nice jacket, like Clarke or Bellamy's S1 jackets, or Jasper's pilot jacket. Nothing with weird patches like Murphy's S1 or Jasper's S3 jackets. A shirt with something interesting written on it like Jasper's Earth Day shirt. Big boots. A nice heirloom necklace. Multiple layers. Knitted wristlets like Clarke has in early S1. A sweater with thumb holes like Monty has in S4.

14. Favorite type of mutant animal?

All the mutants! I really feel like the show missed some good opportunities in the irradiated-animal department. Take some $$$ from the explosion budget, or the Boring Side Character payroll, and invest in some more two-headed beasts. But if I had to pick one, I'd say Lincoln's two-faced horse, because the image of him saving Clarke and Finn in late S1 is so underrated but so iconic.

15. What would your job be on the Ark?

I don't think I have many useful Ark skills. Archivist, perhaps? Member of their proto-justice system? Probably that, though I don't know what sort of jobs, specifically, make up that unit. Though I have some ideas; see: a fic I haven't yet actually written.

16. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked?

Gross. But probably if I had to, I'd force myself to.

17. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, but she was still alive then who would have made the best commander?

I gotta tell you, I literally do not care, nor have I have ever cared, about the commander or Grounder leadership in the slightest. They all seem pretty incompetent. They should cede their power to the Sky People, who are marginally less terrible at running things.

18. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty?

You'd never know from my obsession with alternate states but I have never been high, nor intoxicated in any way, so I really can't say. Hopefully calm and happy like M'Benge in the broom closet. But probably miserable and confused and afraid of my inability to corral my thoughts.

19. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake approach?

Interesting question. I actually think the Charlotte story line was one of the best of S1, probably the show as a whole, and I kind of wish it had played out more long term, instead of just being, in retrospect, more of an excuse for some drama. I mean that is one of the central dilemmas of a new society, as the dropship camp was starting to be at that time: what do you do with people who break the rules and/or are dangerous? They had roughly three options: execute the wrongdoer (which eliminates the problem pretty efficiently, if brutally); ignore the issue entirely through immediate forgiveness; or apply some punishment in between, like imprisonment. This situation in particular was more complicated because, first, technically, they had 'no rules' at the time (killing is just, uh, obviously wrong), second, the actual perpetrator was a child, and third, she was so obviously unstable as to seem a likely continued threat. And in addition to all THAT, Bellamy and Clarke were such tenuous leaders (Clarke wasn't really a leader at all, so really I should say Bellamy was a tenuous leader) that any option that didn't go along with the will of the majority could cause a complete break in legitimacy. So it's really a delicate scenario. One I can't say I have an answer to.

I will say I think banishment is literally the worst thing they could have done, for either Murphy or Charlotte, if she had lived, and I think the narrative bears this out. It looks like a good compromise but it's cruel and it's dangerous. Cruel because they have to assume the banished person would die in the wilderness, and if you believe he deserves death, shouldn't you just execute him? Have the courage of your convictions? Take on the full moral weight of your decisions? A hanging death is probably less awful than slow starvation or being eaten by a wild animal. And dangerous because if he doesn't die, he's an obvious target for...who's that? Your enemies in the woods? Which is exactly what happened? They brought that whole bio-weapon story line on themselves, tbh. I think it was an in-character decision for a couple of dumbass kids, but that's not the same thing as saying it was smart.

I like to think I would have sided with Bellamy early on, in being careful about what information goes out to the camp as a whole. I mean, it's not perhaps the most moral decision, but it's practical--and certainly inciting a riot, as Clarke ended up doing, is neither practical nor moral, so there's that. If the actual perpetrator had been found before Murphy was caught up in the mess... I guess some sort of middle-ground punishment is the best you can do. Imprisonment, shitty work shifts. Showing consequences for bad actions and trying to keep the group safe. Hopefully if there was enough tact in the beginning of the process, the crowd could be convinced to go along with it. I don't know, though. It's tough.

20. Who should have been the Chancellor, if anyone?

Bellamy.

Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy.

Honestly, watch the first season, or even, arguably, the first three, and tell me that ultimately becoming Chancellor wouldn't be a neat, logical, and emotionally satisfying conclusion for Bellamy's arc.

Obviously, it would take him some time to get there. Before then... I don't know. If I had to pick among one of the former Chancellors, I'd go with Abby I suppose.

21. Would you have been on Pike’s side like Bellamy or on Kane’s side? Or Clarke in Polis?

Oh gosh they're all terrible lol. I guess I'd pick Kane as the least of the three evils. He certainly was in the right once Pike's anti-Grounder agenda went into play, but I don't exactly think he had the ear of the people prior to the election, which is why I'm not enthusiastic. But, still. You gotta get through the Dark Times to get to Chancellor Bellamy, I guess.

22. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod) What is the one thing you would snatch while there?

I'd grab up some interesting books. Possibly a stuffed animal because I like soft things. A nice piece of art.

23. What would your Grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint?

Lol I don't care what universe we're in, I'm never getting a tattoo. Hair: probably something simple and loose. War paint: pass, as I wouldn't be a warrior.

24. Favorite quote?

I suppose Jasper's quote about wounds needing to heal before they become scars.

25. If all of the characters were in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning?

I've never read or watched the Hunger Games but I'm nevertheless going to say Raven. She's just been the deus ex machina too many times.

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite canon ship? Favorite non canon ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC OR BE

Least favorite: M/rper

Favorite canon: ummmmm idk not excited by most canon ships tbh. Probably Jasper/Maya, maybe Mackson or Briller.

Favorite non-canon: Jonty

27. A song that should be included in the next season? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo?

HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF DURAN DURAN

Lol, Idk. Something poppy and 80s would amuse me, though. In part because the show needs to take itself at least 75% less seriously.

I don't have any opinions on cameos.

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time?

Hopefully make friends with Murphy.

29. You're an extra that gets killed off. How do you die?

Something painless and quick?? I don't know. Poison?? Nice dramatic non-bloody death?

30. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of?

JASPER. OBVIOUSLY.

...Lol I think this question is really about plausible character flashbacks and if so.... well first off ANY flashback about the Ark is 100% my thing, and flashbacks about almost any delinquent would be great. We're still not in the realm of the plausible, though, imo.

Raven, perhaps? Always want more Raven.

31. A character you’d bang?

Raven. Even though she'd intimidate me a lot.

Monty (as an adult, ofc).

A lot of the characters are bangable tbh. Might be faster to name those I wouldn't...

32. Would you stay in the Bunker? Go up to Space? Or live on your own in Eden?

Uhhhh none of the above??

I suppose the bunker. (This answer is based on the concepts of bunker/space/alone on Earth, not what actually happened in S5.)

33. In the Bunker, would you follow Octavia? What would you do to pass the time underground?

Read a lot and make friends. Idk if I'd follow Octavia since I just don't have enough data on the season... but from my understanding of her recent arc, probably not.

34. What crime would you commit in the Bunker that lands you in the fighting pits?

???

35. Up in Space, who would you bond with first? Who would be the most difficult for you to get along with?

I wouldn't last a year in space with such a small group of people but hopefully Raven and I would hook up before I spontaneously expired.

36. How long do you think you would last on Earth by yourself?

Definitely less than a year.

37. When the Eligius ship lands what do you do?

Eligius ship? I don't know her.

38. Favorite Eligius character? Least favorite?

???

39. Would you Spacewalk?

No. But actually. Probably yes. I'd totally freak out about the idea, swear a million times I'd never do it, then get cajoled into trying by my beautiful girlfriend Raven, and I'd love it so much I'd immediately want to do it again.

40. Would you prefer to eat Windshield Bugs, Space Algae, or Bunker Meat?

Algae?

41. Would you start a war for the last spot of green on earth? What would your solution be to avoid it?

There's no way I'd make it this far in the narrative in real life. I didn't even get there in fictional life.

42. Would you rather dig out flesh-eating worms or stick thumb drives into bullet holes?

I guess the thumb drive thing sounds less disgusting.

43. Are you willing to poison your sister for the Traitor Who You Love? What would you do to stop Octavia?

I don't have any siblings (well, no siblings with whom I have a real sibling relationship) so, yeah, sure, why not lol?

44. Would you go to sleep in cryo or stay awake like M/rper?

Leave my body behind on Earth, please, where it belongs.

45. Who are you waking up first to explore the new planet?

New planet? I dunno what that means lol.

[fadedstarlight]

the stars will sing for you, one day. hope is what dreamers rely upon, so don’t lose it. even if it means the end of everything you know.

a crumpled tee shirt, plastered directly to her face. an exhausted arm brushes it aside with a disgruntled moan, the moan of someone who was having a terribly nice dream and was woken up by the most inconsiderate rays of morning grace. thanks, morning, she mutters to herself. comforter pushed aside, beads of sweat rolling off the bangs matted to her temples, may allows her body the respite of cool floorboards, chilling her aching body. wait, why is my body aching? where is my home? where am i? startled eyes, dizzy from the relentless waves of heat, burst open with fervor known only to the insane and the driven. there were a lot of questions, of course. that’s human nature. staring up at the ceiling, a small fan twirls daintily. this isn’t right, she keeps saying to herself. this can’t be right.

no answers can be fulfilled lying face-up on the floor, so in a flurry of movement, may was upright at last. tenatively, she made out the visage of fate that lay before her:

a half-eaten pizza. thrown lazily over a laptop.

why is there a pizza here?! i don’t even like pizza!

may took this opportunity of pure speculative confusion to observe the furnishings around her– a bed with no frame, laid at the end of the room with pastel flowers adorning the comforter; a small, yet thoughtful rug that looked incredibly soft if layed upon, if there weren’t a black cat sitting directly in the center of it, enjoying the sun; a desk with the aforementioned pizza laptop at the other end of the room; and a communist flag pinned to the wall with two small knives.

cool.

i need to find a fan.

PROLOGUE

1 maybe this is the beginning of something new.

maybe this is the end of something ancient.

maybe this simply is.

2 she can’t do it alone.

be strong, may. be strong. run fast, head high, legs pumping– as long as you are going away from what you once were. that, dear, was a fate worse than death.

i don’t think death itself envies you, to be honest.

3 if you keep walking, maybe eventually possibly you can wake up from this and it will all be better.

but you know, you can’t outrun fate.

fate has its own tendrils that operate on their own terms and own laws and own everything and it doesn’t give a shit if it hurts you. because it has a job. and it’s doing a pretty great job at that job, and it probably doesn’t like that job but it doesn’t have a choice because its fate bosses tell it to do that job or else it’ll lose its fate job in its fate cubicle making a fate wage so it can feed its fate family. and they have their own fates, too, forcing them into this fate paradox that never seems to pause or contemplate why it does that, as if that too has a fate that it was predestined for.

my head hurts,

i really need some coffee. when was the last time i had something to drink? it was a day ago, probably. it’s not like, out here, i have much to go off of in terms of resources. if the winter chill nipping at my fingertips could be as filling as they are annoying, i’d never have to eat or drink anything again. now i’m hungry too. i am kind of wandering the wilderness, so i suppose i’m not too surprised. but i still am. in an apathetic kind of way. like, i will be conscious of what is happening, think to myself, oh, well i should do something about this, and never actually act upon it. even now i feel like im just watching a movie of someone else who just so happens to be traversing the alaskan landscape in search of something that isn’t there, wondering what their motivations are. gnawing on popcorn, sucking down heaven’s nectar and in the calming embrace of separate souls, lapping up the emotional buffet such a connection offers to one so malnourished. certainly sounds good right about now.

but i’ve accepted that, after about the nineteenth mile of uninterrupted walking, i understood that my entire existence was to never be ‘good’. good is the term that people never meant for anything say to quantify their meaningless lives by trying to find purpose in purposeless things. they have to do something for 80 years before they kick the bucket, right? grass doesn’t have things to look forward to, to aspire to be, to discuss, yet here it is, frozen and pale in the face of winter’s countenance, tenderly caressing its neck with its white-hot temptation. and grass doesn’t hurt anybody, either. all grass ever did was be green and be eaten by things who like hurting other things. grass has feelings, too, but no one cares. because it’s grass. and we are people, but honestly, we’re so much worse than grass. grass deserves more good its life than we have ever had. grass hasn’t killed other grasses. grass just wants to be the best grass it can be and it tries so fucking hard to be that. its grass parents must be so proud of it.

i wish i were grass.

4 stars wink at me sometimes. their flirtatious personalities are intoxicating, which makes it all the more heartbreaking when i realize the distance between them and i. i wish i could be up there with them, and succumb to their allure, be subject to the countless stories and thoughts, their transcendental banter, their flaws and fears and fate all lined up for me to gorge upon with all senses in wide-eyed stupor. the stars have their qualms about the universe too, i’m sure. but to be a celestial body must have its perks, too. for one, you never have to worry about not having enough time. you’re the largest measurer of time, only trumped in its universal dominance by the ones who set them there at all. also, you’re friends with other stars, whether they like it or not. your galaxy would be, essentially, a set of unbreakable friendships. you’re all orbiting each other, invariably destined to meet in a cataclysmic reuniting. it’s poetic: tragic and moving and short-lived yet unmistakably important to those involved, for they are foreverchanged with unmistakablelove. those were books i was writing on before i began this wandering journey into eternal oblivion. i doubt they’ll get finished, but it’s the fact that i tried at all that makes it powerful.

5 now, as i wrap my cardigan around my knees and crush the life out of these frozen leaves with my weight it must bear, i contemplate the purpose of my existence as an individual among individuals. is it true that some are destined to live in the solitary confinement of their shadow, as a mere instrument of mimicry? that is all i have become. to serve the whims of another, willing to destroy the whole of my being just to catch another glimpse of him, to prove i have life worth living, pulsing throughout my chest. but now i sit, cracked, with my split soul, breathing life into these leaves, similarly cracked, and similarly dead, and similarly subservient to me. this is hope leaving my body. i can feel its warmth pour in drops at first, yet slowly collecting into a technicolor pool, paled slightly by my tears added to the mixture. i like pastels anyway.

it has been pouring since the encounter. whatever it touches lives again. my goal is to find the man. and hug him. and let the torrent of tears stain his jacket, and my soul to drench him in his ignorance, to heal him, for he is the broken one, not i. i am not cruel. i am not beyond help. neither is he. no one is evil. he is confused. i am confused. we are confused. i will heal him.

6 you ever have those dreams that seemingly go on for decades, that build their own narratives and relationships and struggles that become all the more important than your own as you reside within them for those few brief hours of rest? where you remember every detail of your fictional love’s morning routine, as it was your favorite part of waking up, watching them dance while brushing their teeth, and sing in the shower way too loud letting yourself join in and not caring about the fact that both sound like a duet of cats dying in the rhythm of california gurls? where you remember the pain of losing imaginary loved ones, those ones whom your entire being was poured into, that made you the best fictional person you could possibly be. where you wake up in tears because you died crying, in a hospital bed, not sure what would be on the other side, and it just so happens to be that this actual, tangible life was the alternative, even though you would probably prefer a legitimate death without this purposeless, lifeless existence you actually inhabit being a purgatory for the next 60 years. those dreams have been appearing to me more and more recently, and i’m sure there’s a reason for their occurrences. maybe its because of this crisp wilderness air constantly barraging me with endless strokes of its mighty wind, or the fact that i haven’t seen another person in three days, or eaten in almost two, or the fact that i’m kind of disintegrating before my very eyes. the puddle my heart has left keeps a nice warm patch on the ground where the grass has been reborn, but aside from that i am cold. very cold. i can see some lights in the distance, kind of like a hazy sea of distant fireflies, gracefully following their own solo lines while maintaining the integrity of the whole symphony simultaneously. it’s rather pretty. if it weren’t for this hypnotic flurry of flickering, i would pass it. but i am intrigued. what stories will lie here, who knows. i can only pray they will leave me more answers than questions.

7 as my eyelids rush to meet each other as soon as those faint, flickering lights form distinct rectangles, i find myself feeling oddly at peace with everything. as i give in to gravity and the earth whispers my name, may, may, lay your weary head upon my shoulder and allow me to bear your burden, all things become so very obvious. alike the situation that placed me here, skull against skin against upturned earth, i succumb to alluring temptation once more, with the knowledge that my limbs, although leaden, have lead me farther in this time alone than they ever had in the life i lead before, and that was a comforting thought. maybe this all was a worthwhile endeavor, as the crash of footstep berates my sensitive ears with their screeching calls.

if i had known he would be the stars, and the grass, and the earth, and all other things, maybe i wouldn’t have come here. it’s all intertwined, there’s no escaping this or that or anything or nothing because even absence leaves a gaping hole in my chest that leaks out like a starving child begging for sustenance, as tears flow and fears grow and lives are snuffed out, one by one. i would rather take their place, there. some of those starving people who will never have a chance could have a chance if i allowed them to have it. i’ve wasted my life, on things that never really mattered or cared, but they could have done something amazing, gone on to change the world forever, instead of having the soul sucked out of them as life pours out of their eyes like tears so similar. i wonder if anyone feels the same way about me, that i could be something great if i were only capable of and given the chance. i think about that a lot. the possibility of something else, of renewal, of happiness. it’s simply a thought, but it’s a thought worth thinking of.

8 i was asleep for a day, i was asleep for a thousand days. time is a petty quandary anyhow.

what was true was the tears – millions upon millions of tears begotten by the tortures of millions upon millions of demons locked away in one solitary skull. sleep was never my friend; sleep never attended birthday parties or called late at night to make sure arteries were intact or laughed at dumb jokes or anything like that. sleep was the listless vixen that cloyed at my mind, always tempting me to the brink of exhaustion but ever allowing me to partake, never allowing me anything but the utter agony of lack of control. but this was especially horrid, as the role had been reversed. now lady list had her tendrils firmly secured, her jaw relentlessly locked on my consciousness. left to her mercy once more, the agony poured from my eyes in steamy globs one after another as the pain throbbed in my temples because the temple of solitude within my mind had been breached ad neverendum. i was forced to play out the pain of my past as her poison passed through my porous brain, a catalyst for the horrors of the may that once experienced them to be rejuvenated with enthralled vigor once more. i was worse than dead. it should have left me there, to die in my own pity, convulsing and confused and scared. but that would be too convenient. eventually, her poison drained from the wounds i had inflicted myself, numerous and agonizing in their own right. i had to. it was required. i couldn’t stand the thought of it all anymore. you can only handle so much.

we’re only human.

well, most of us.

9 my eyes, shrouded with glistening stars that swirled around nauseously as i took in my surroundings, danced across this unfamiliar environment. scuttling feet enveloping my senses, in all senses but sight: no matter how hard i tried to focus on the brittle tile that sent shivers cascading through my body, no clarity ever emerged. i was left with a vague sense of the location i was residing within: the floor of a tavern. freezing, filthy. i was apparently dragged inside with no real thought as to my condition or situation: for if these fumbling buffoons were to realize the seriousness of my predicament they would surely be healing my every wound and bowing their head to the bobbing of mine, attempting to raise my upper body. neither of these conclusions were to be fully realized, though i thought myself a queen for a time: to control all things with but a mere breath, to flaunt one’s ability and status with crooning grace and fullness; capable of destroying the lives of those around me but being empathetic enough to allow their lives sustenance for another day, and letting the reaper grow thin and his scythe rusty due to my own diligence. i would be the master of mortality, able to move any single, simple soul to accomplish this countenance’s humble requests. one could actually compare these actions to those of

UP. AWAKE,. I, I FEEL, COLD. . WHERE IS MY HEART? ? IT’S BEEN BLEEDING ALL OVER THIS DAMNED FLOOR. MUDDYING UP THE BOOTS OF THOSE UNACCUSTOMED TO SUCH LOWLY TRIBULATIONS THAT ONE OF MY OWN STATURE MUST ENDURE. SO SORRY, , MADAME, MISTER, I SHALL ALL AT ONCE CLEAN MY PLACE AND PERSON AS TO BE AS TRIFLING OF A INCONVENIENCE AS POSSIBLE, I MOST WHOLEHEARTEDLY ASSURE YOU THIS IS COMMONPLACE FOR PEOPLE WITH ISSUES SUCH AS MINE OH YES PLEASE DONT TOUCH IT YOU’LL BURN YOURSELF. YOU’LL BE DAMAGED. WHYA RE YOU STARING/? AT ME LIKE HTAT? OH I MUST HAVE BEEN INTRUSIVE MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES I SHALL PACK MY BELONGINGS AND GO PLEASE SIR FINE SIR MOVE ASIDE, ,,, WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE, UNMOVING AND UNBLINKING AS IF THE WORLD HAS NEVER GRACED YOU WITH AN IMMOVABLE BEAUTY SUCH AS I? HOW RUDE OF YOU, I SHALL

run run run. run. run run? run, yes, yet my legs waver and mind shakes at the onset of actuality. this is not good. i must change course, find solace in the upstairs rooms, where i will surely pay for my intrusion into somehow. these awestruck peoples have been stagnant since my arousal, how peculiar– and this is coming from me! each step is as if my whole soul is to be thrust into the heat of a battle, and each cell inside my body are the unwavering yet unwilling soldiers who understand their demise is necessary and inevitable in order to protect those who admonish them on home soil as their greed stockpiles as quickly as complacency grows. i have been here for hours, it seems, attacking these cursed slopes that haunt my every movement, as i clamor up their taunting, unnervingly pearl-white faces. my chest heaves and my screams are apparent, but they are wholly necessary for the process at work here: yet still oblivious onlookers seem more interested in the past than present. the solid oak door moans as loudly as i: please, come inside me, come in and never leave, you are mine and always was. i was always one to give into temptation. the door swings with greased hinges, carrying me as momentum forces me to land on the bed directly in front of m-

ow. now i’m unconscious again, aren’t i? who knows how long i’ll be trapped in here. it’s pretty rank, too. i never much cared for it. i’d trade it out for a new one in a moment if i were able to, but those sorts of things are only what can come true in fantasy, and not reality, this reality of cracked and flowing hearts and polished white floors and hungry doors waiting to consume their next meal. this is reality. and i try so hard to convince myself that yes, reality is something worth fighting for, and here i am, at its mercy once again.

at least the floor is warm now.

[canaryatlaw]

well today was pretty good, best day in a while. I woke up at like, 8:20 with my alarm set for 8:45 and knew I wasn’t going to fall back asleep now that I had this knowledge so I just laid in bed and waited for my alarm to go off and then got up lol. I definitely packed like 4 different snacks in my purse, just because I felt like it was good to have them on hand for today (I ended up eating two of them). It was WAY TOO FUCKING COLD today, like 44, so I had to wear my fucking winter coat and it was awful and Chicago I’m so mad at you about this because it’s late May dammit I shouldn't have to still be putting up with this bullshit. I felt bad for the kids on the baseball/softball fields the bus passes that were already out there playing at 9 am when it was so cold. I do distinctly have memories of playing soccer in the snow, it was the end of the season and they had to get the games in, I legit had my winter coat on with my jersey over it, and it was legit snowing while we were playing. I can’t say it was really a negative memory though, because pretty much all my like, actual childhood memories of playing soccer were happy because I loved it so much, it was only once the breathing issues set in when I was 12 did they start becoming awful, frustrating and heartbreaking memories because I still loved it so much but I couldn’t do it now, and I felt so inadequate that I legit burst into tears on several occasions.....but then I found theatre and things were much happier again, so we can walk back that little tangent a little. But yeah, I took the bus to the train, I had to wait 11 minutes for the next train and it was fucking cold, I only had my coat, not my scarf or gloves or hat because IT’S MAY and I was freezing. But we got to church, a few minutes late but no big deal, I ended up sitting a little farther back than usual but it’s all good. I remembered upon arriving that small group sign ups opened up at 8 am this morning, and they fill up super fast, so I was bad and went on my phone discreetly during the service to make sure I could get a spot in the Young Adults/20s and 30s Singles small group. You’re supposed to be able to commit to 75% of the meetings before signing up, which I can’t technically do at this point because idk what’ll be happening in my life in July, but I know one of the leaders, she graduated from another law school in the city a few years back so I think I’ll just talk to her and be like as soon as I know if I have to leave I’ll drop out and someone else can have the spot and I’m sure she’ll be cool with it. Great worship as always, the little question they gave to talk to your neighbor for a minute while they transition was “if you could be any superhero who could you be” so I turn to the guy next to me and was like OH BOY, this is my fucking jam haha and we had a short conversation about DC vs Marvel and DCTV, so that was cool. Early in the sermon about the holy spirit my pastor brought up this group called “The Power Team” which I had completely forgot was a thing, but as soon as he said I had suddenly had these super vivid memories of sitting in some room in some church somewhere on Long Island (I had to have been like, 7, so I was little) and just watching these incredibly jacked guys do things like smash bricks with their hands and bend frying pans in half and literally blow up a hot water bottle until it burst, all while saying things like “IT’S THE POWER OF GOD THAT LETS US DO THIS” and that was their whole jam, that we were supposed to believe they could only do these superhuman acts because of God specifically enabling them to do them. I don’t know what was going on in the heads of the adults who were sending kids to this thing all the while knowing it had to be a farce, and that was the point my pastor was making, there’s nothing incredible about a man being able to do an act that he is physically built enough to do, if a normal not jacked guy came up and ripped a phonebook in half (that was another thing they did, my pastor joked “if some of you don’t know what that is, we used to print the internet”) by calling on the holy spirit then that would be something you could actually attribute to God, and how when we don’t believe incredible things in our lives can happen we aren’t realizing the full power of God (or something along those lines, you know what I mean). It got me thinking a bit about growing up in the church and how many kids raised in the church (so called “second generation Christians”) end up straying from the church, and how I felt like I got a bit of a cheat sheet in that area. I remember being in some sunday school class somewhere along the line and they were like “who’s had prayer requests that they’ve had answered by God?” and all the other kids were like “well I won my baseball game!” or “when I had the flu I got better!” and I was just like “well I actually prayed a human being into existence by praying for a little sister for three years until it happened” and I just remember the teacher being like........don’t know how to follow that up lol. Anyway. Service ended and I went to the volunteer lounge for our huddle up, it was the last week with one of the family ministries leaders, so we did a whole little celebration for him which was nice. When I got up to the baby’s room I was alone at first and one of the leaders/my friend came in and was like “oh you’re definitely not supposed to be alone, there were like 3 people signed up” so I did end up getting another person. Things went pretty smoothly overall, we ended up with 6  babies at one point, but ended up having to text the parents of this one little girl who was so adorable but was just not having it, she kept reaching towards the door and yelling “mama, mama!” as she cried and I was like damn, I can’t take this lol but besides that there were no real tears, everyone did pretty well together. There was a super adorable little boy who I’m pretty sure already turned 2 but if they want to keep him with the babies that’s fine with me, he wasn’t really engaging at first but after several attempts he got into it and was having fun. And there was this super cute little 11 month old girl who is the spitting image of her dad, her dad is definitely mixed race and it looks like her mother might be as well (I’m just speculating obviously) but the baby has that like, super adorable darker skin lighter hair and eyes thing going on and gosh, she’s just so damn cute lol. She’s still at the stage where she can’t fully stand up on her own, but will try to find anything she can grab onto to help pull herself  up, which can be problematic when she’s grabbing on like, the dirty diaper disposal haha but nothing too bad. There was a 7 month old little girl, and another one who was 19 months, both of whom were pretty calm, and there was the daughter of the couple who recently started heading up family ministries and she’s just the cutest little thing, she’s just got the whole chubby baby thing going on and she gives the best hugs and is so cute. So that went pretty well. After it ended I went back to the blue line train, but then switched over to the red line because I was going to meet Jess at the tattoo place to go with her to get her tattoo, so I did that and then walked down to the place, it was right across the street from the Target I generally go to so I knew where it was. They had  bit of a wait so we ended up sitting and talking for a while, which was good because we hadn’t seen each other in like a month so we had a lot of catching up to do. Then her name got called so she was talking with the guy about what she wanted done, and I chatted for a few minutes with another guy about the tattoo situation on me wrist (being that I got a white ink tattoo on it in January 2014 and then in July 2016 broke my wrist and ended up with a giant surgery scar right through my tattoo) and they basically said white ink tattoos are super hard to touch up because of the way the ink reacts to your body and it probably would not come out looking very good, so it'd probably be better to let it fade (they’re supposed to fade out it like 10 years, which I was aware of when I got it because it was another way I could be like “well if I decided I don’t want it anymore I can just let it fade and it’ll be gone” to my parents about it) and then maybe try something else in a different location, so I’m going to think about it, another option would be to get another tattoo on top of the old one, but I feel like that would be difficult to do without adding some color, and the whole point of it being white ink was to not draw attention to it because lawyer and I’m already kind of toeing the line of professionalism with my bright red hair and multiple ear piercings. so we’ll see, I’ll think about it, maybe in a few years when I’m somewhat established in the legal world. But yeah, they printed up Jess’ thing and made a stencil, and we came back and did the tattoo, during which we talked about Divergent and I was explaining my theory on how the hogwarts houses transfer into the Divergent factions (Amity and Abnegation are both just Hufflepuff, Dauntless is half gryffindor half slytherin, candor is half gryffindor half ravenclaw, and erudite is half ravenclaw half slytherin) (clearly I’ve put a lot of thought into this) as she squeezed my hand and was super brave through the whole thing (I know she doesn’t read these but I hope she knows I’m super proud of her for dealing with a whole lot of shit and making it out the other side still being an awesome human being). So once they finished up we ran over to the Target to get tattoo aftercare supplies, namely Aquaphor (which is apparently like bacitracin, I recognized the name but didn’t know what it actually was) and Dial hand soap, while I needed to pick up some make up removing wipes, and ended up grabbing a really cute pair of shorts because they were really cute and were my size and not made out of polyester and ended up being on sale, so, they were clearly a reasonable purchase. Checked out, I got a sour watermelon icee that I had been wanting to try (I got a super small one and I still couldn’t finish the whole thing without it burning my mouth, lol) and Jess got a passion tea/lemonade from the starbucks. So we then walked over to where she parked, and drove over to my place where she dropped me off and then went to lay in bed for the rest of the night because the seatbelt was like, apparently right on top of where the tattoo was and it was super painful so that sounded like a good plan. I got to my apartment and decided I wanted to make the parmesan noodle soup I made like a week or so ago for dinner which I realize contains like 800 calories in pasta but I don’t really care because it’s really good. So I did that, then waited for the Brooklyn 99 season finale to come on. Can I just say, I’m so proud of this show. I binged seasons one and two in preparation for season three because it was announced that Archie Panjabi was going to be on an episode and I was still hardcore on my Archie Panjabi kick at that point, especially for supporting work she did after she left TGW after being treated so poorly. But I ended up really liking the show so I kept watching, and like, suddenly it was everywhere and everyone was watching it and it was just this super awesome show everybody loved and it made me so happy. Obviously the season finale is a big deal, they really should’ve made it an hour special, but they did just fine in their half hour slot fitting in all the craziness that had to accompany a Jake/Amy wedding. So that made me happy. Once that was over I switched over to Netflix, and finished the episode of the great british baking show masterclass (the masterclass is basically just the two judges making their super awesome versions of what the contestants on the actual show had to make and it’s nuts but also super calming to watch. Once that was over I decided to start episode two of 13 Reasons Why’s second season, I figured I’d intercut watching it with british people baking as to not get too depressed about it. There was definitely a tonal shift in the show from last season to now, partially just because people are constantly dropping f-bombs which very much did not happen last season, and just generally being racier with things. I still have a lot of mixed feelings about the show, and I’m not terribly sure it’s something I want to endorse, but I at least want to watch it so I can make an informed decision on it. And again, I do feel some loyalty to it from having read the book all those years ago. The tone its take is definitely strange, though. The courtroom scenes continue to bother me because again, the defense’s entire case is bullshit inadmissible under rule of evidence 404 character evidence and is basically a victim blaming nightmare and has obviously been super traumatizing for all of the kids who they’ve had testify so far. The whole Jessica/Bryce situation is clearly incredibly volatile, and I very much hope it ends in Bryce having to face up to his crimes. The Alex storyline is interesting, it was an intriguing choice to go with a memory loss plot from his suicide attempt at the end of last season, so I’m interested to see how that’s going to play out. As far as Clay and Hannah and Skye are concerned, very much mixed feelings as well. Clay is of course clearly suffering from trauma and likely needs a mental health intervention, and not just because he’s quite literally seeing ghosts. Something about how they wrote Skye in this last episode kind of got under my skin, just that they’re going for the whole ~insecure artsy girl~ thing and I realize that’s most likely because I recognize the similarities of her with my own life and though I’m doing much better overall I do definitely still hate parts of me and that’s very much one of them. But yeah, it was a lot, so after that I watched two british baking episodes before starting to get ready for bed. It’s just past 1:30 am and I don’t have to be up for anything tomorrow, but I don’t want to waste the entire day sleeping in, so I’m going to call it a night here. Goodnight loves. Hope you have a kickass Monday.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #462

Top Ten Things That Hopefully Will Actually Happen in 2021

I mean, it’s got to be better than last year, hasn’t it? Just on law of averages. I know it’s not really the greatest start. Everything’s shut again but it’s colder now. We’ve not got a handle on this thing. The idiots are still in charge. But I still feel cautiously optimistic. There is a vaccine now, at least. Trump is gone, barring some cataclysmic last-minute kerfuffle. A new lockdown is required, so hopefully however painful it is right now it’ll be the death throws of this wretched virus. Will 2021 look like 2019? No, not a chance. But maybe by summer, by autumn, we’ll be well over the hill. 2022, hopefully, will be great.

Not that I’m writing off the new year altogether! No siree. I think this is the year we turn the corner and see the road before us. I think this year can be good, and I think that – outside of pandemic and politics – there is quite a lot to look forward to.

I’m not right now talking about personal ambitions or wider, geopolitical hopes and dreams. This is all about stuff that I want to see or play or whatever. Things that don’t really have any bearing on if the world keeps spinning or we all make it through another tumultuous twelvemonth relatively unscathed. Just, y’know, stuff that’d be nice.

Cinematic Superheroes: 2020 was a bonkers year, and one of the things that was bonkers as it unfolded was how all these huge movies kept getting pushed back. As a result, there were precisely no Marvel Cinematic Universe productions released. Like, at all. Thankfully – hopefully – that will change in 2021. As well as some Disney+ stuff (see below) there’ll also be the belated release of Wonder Woman 1984, which came out around Christmas but which I’ll probably stream this month; and, lockdown permitting, we should finally see the likes of Black Widow, The Eternals, and things that were already scheduled for ’21 such as DC’s The Batman and The Suicide Squad. And y’know what? I’m even looking forward to Zack Snyder’s Justice League. Yeah, maybe some more will slip, but I’m just glad that we’re finally getting some men in tights back in our lives.

Plus all these Great Shows: just before Christmas Disney outlined its slate of upcoming releases and by Crikey it was mega. And the best part is, so many of these shows and films are imminent! In a couple of weeks WandaVision will hit Disney+, and later this year we’ll also see (I do believe) The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, maybe Loki, The Book of Boba Fett, and maaaaaybe if we’re lucky Obi-Wan Kenobi. Even outside of the other movies and things that they announced, and even if we don’t look as far ahead as 2022, Disney+ has a hell of a lineup for this year, and even if lockdown closes the cinemas, we can still enjoy a nice good stream.

Starred Up: the arrival of Star, the “grown-up” channel on Disney+, was confirmed (and confirmed to be included in the existing sub, which was nice), and recently it was announced that it will go live on February 23rd. For some reason I was expecting it later, so that’s nice. It’ll be good to see some of the smuttier Marvel movies make their return (especially Fox’s X-masterpiece, Logan), but I’m more looking forward to having all the Die Hards and Aliens in one place. Even the crap ones.

Finally, Halo Infinite: I really like Halo; it’s pretty much the reason I ever bought a console in the first place. So I was incredibly excited for Halo Infinite, and – I must confess – a bit disappointed by its reveal. A delay is fine; take your time, do a good job, try to avoid crunch. I’ve got more than enough to play. But with my pretty new Series X installed next to my shiny new 4K TV, I’d love to get into a proper new Master Chief adventure once again. And finally it’ll happen! My Big Christmas Game for 2021 is sorted.

Return of the (Lego) Jedi: speaking of Big Games for 2021… I love the Lego games from Traveller’s Tales, and it all started with Lego Star Wars. With the release of The Rise of Skywalker in 2019, I kind of assumed they’d be making a new one, and they are: The Skywalker Saga. Much delayed (I think it was meant to come out last summer originally?), but finally making its debut at some point in 2021, it promises to be a more expansive effort than any previous Lego game, and also offers a fresh look at every film in the increasingly-inaccurately-named trilogy. My youngest is really getting into Star Wars and she loves the Lego games, so this is something we can really enjoy together.

2020’s Greatest Hits: yeah, lots of great things coming out in 2021, but I gotta say one thing I’m really looking forward to is catching up on all of the things that were supposed to come out in 2020. I’ve already mentioned the likes of Black Widow, but there’s Coming 2 America (on Prime Video in March), Dune (potentially still hitting cinemas), No Time to Die (God knows), Spielberg’s West Side Story (delayed a whole year!)… even smaller-scale things like the cool-looking Freaky have been pushed right back. And whilst I’m not exactly looking forward to it, pity poor Peter Rabbit 2, knocked from an early Easter slot when the first lockdown hit, only to have its February half-term run destroyed by Lockdown III. Maybe next year, eh, Peter?

Matrix of Leadership: The Matrix turns 22 this year, shockingly enough, and last time I watched it was still absolutely brilliant in one of those hardly-ever-happens ways. The sequels I could live without, although I’ll warrant they’re still stylish with nice action, but they were a huge disappointment (moreso for me than the often-lambasted Star Wars prequels). However, I am super excited for Lana Wachowski returning to direct a fourth Matrix movie. I don’t know why, but I just think it’ll be great; there’s twenty years’ worth of “internet stuff” and “games stuff” and “comics stuff” she can use as reference or in-joke, and let’s face it, Keanu Reeves has never kicked as much ass in his life as he does in the John Wick movies, so we don’t need to worry about that. What the hell will it be about? How can you make a sequel to what felt like a pretty definitive ending? I mean, half the characters died (spoiler!). But I don’t care about that, I just want to see it (hopefully at a cinema).

One (Other) Ring to Rule Them All: I ended up spending quite a bit of time in Middle-Earth in 2020, including reading The Hobbit to my girls, Unfinished Tales, and Ian Nathan’s book about the making of Peter Jackson’s trilogy, Anything You Can Imagine. So I am, shall we say, primed for Amazon’s new TV adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s opus. The Lord of the Rings series – as I think it might still be called? – will be set a lot earlier than the more famous stories, and although there are a lot of potential hiccups and hurdles in the way, I hope the less-familiar period and setting will offer scope for a series to make its own unexpected journey, showing even those that have read The Silmarillion something they’ve not seen before. I hope they don’t try to make it into Game of Thrones, and I hope they don’t try to shoehorn in too many aspects of The Lord of the Rings (I mean, hobbits shouldn’t really feature too much into it, surely?), but the pedigree is strong and I’m very excited.

Sinful: Russell T. Davies’ last show, Years and Years, was a fascinating combination of terrifying apocalyptic sci-fi and domestic soap opera, and one of the best things that happened in 2019. His next show, It’s a Sin, is about something altogether more real but still apocalyptic: the AIDS crisis in the gay community of the 1980s. I imagine he’ll still be expertly combining soapy drama with casual gaggery and moments of utter heartbreak. Apparently this is a story very close to his heart that he’s been wanting to tell for – yes – years and years, so it’s sure to be one of the TV highlights of 2021.

The Unconfirmed: one of the great things at the start of the year is, you don’t know what you’re going to get. Sometimes you get, well, 2020. But sometimes you don’t! Sometimes you get a year in film like 1984 (Terminator! Ghostbusters! Gremlins!) or 1999 (Matrix! Fight Club! American Beauty!); sometimes you get a year in gaming like 1998 (Half-Life! Zelda! Grim Fandango!) or 2007 (Halo! BioShock! Crackdown!). What’s coming this year? Well, with the new consoles out, we’re going to finally start seeing some new games that wrestle with the hardware; not just the cross-generational likes of Halo or Horizon but some new games, some unannounced games. We’ll also, no doubt, see proper footage and trailers for stuff we do know – Hellblade, Fable, hopefully Perfect Dark. Taika Waititi’s got at least two films on the go; that’ll be good. Spielberg doesn’t usually rest on his laurels; he’s finished West Side Story, so what’s next? Bond will come out, somewhere, somehow; will we get the announcement of a new Bond? Speaking of recasting, is Jodie Whittaker really leaving Doctor Who? I’ve not been too fussed with the show the last couple of years, but I’m always rooting for her and will be sad to see her go; but does that mean we’re in for another New Doctor palaver later this year too? Will we see or hear anything of Rian Johnson’s Star Wars films or, even better, a Knives Out sequel? The new Stranger Things has got to be this year, hasn’t it? What about Star Trek – Picard season 2 and Discovery season 4 should be happening, but will we also see the Pike and Georgiou-focussed spin-offs? God knows! It’s all up in the air! And these are only the things that we know or can speculate a little bit about! But that’s what makes it so exciting.

Well, that’s it for now. As I write this, what can only be called a mob of white supremacist terrorists – idiot insurrectionists, if you will – have stormed the US Capitol. Truly terrifying scenes, given the added worry of the Twat in Chief using the crisis as some phony excuse to cling on to power. I have faith that it’ll be resolved, short-term, and that democracy – capital-D Democracy – will endure, for now. But it just goes to show how volatile everything is. The kids are being homeschooled again. London’s hospitals are teetering on the brink. There’s gunfire in the Senate. But the first Black Senator just got elected in Georgia. My wife’s playing Ooblets. Somewhere it’s sunny, somewhere else a kid’s catching snowflakes, and somewhere else again some lucky sod is getting to watch Nine to Five for the first time ever. Things are scary and often crap but on the whole I think the arc of the universe tilts ever so slightly towards Being Generally Okay.

Take care of yourselves, wear a bloody mask, and here’s to 2021 Being Generally Okay.

[tialovestelevision]

Once More, With Feeling

It’s time. I know you have been looking forward to this. I certainly have. It’s time for the musical episode. It’s time for “Once More, With Feeling.”

I’m not going to do too much introduction here. But I will bring up something important: Netflix does not have the full version of this episode. Parts of songs and incidental scenes are cut from the Netflix version, which does a ton of damage to the episode’s flow. Hulu is the right streaming service to watch this one on.

Let’s go!

1. Previously On, then opening credits. New opening song for this one, and pictures of the cast in front of the moon. No Tara.

2. This is also the only episode in the series with a title card, so it’s the only one that someone watching television in a linear, over-the-air format would see the title of.

3. Overture! Alarm going off for Buffy. Hinton Battle! People going about their days! Tara finds the flower Willow used for her spell and is happy because nice smelly flower. Buffy doesn’t want to get out of bed. She’s staring at her alarm clock. Xander and Anya have a wedding magazine! Giles takes a book away from Dawn. Willow and Tara doing research. Buffy drawing a picture. Giles pulls her into the back room to train.

4. I’m going to watch songs all the way through before writing about them. So no play-by-play for them, but lots of impressions!

5. “Going Through the Motions.” First off, Sarah’s got a lovely singing voice. I want to know more about the demon with the horns who delivers the “She’s not even half the girl she… ow…” line; he’s got a great design and I bet he’s up to some sort of truly sinister evil when he’s roped into Buffy’s chorus line and gets killed. Also, we could have skipped like half the runtime of “Life Serial” given that we were going to get this song; it expresses what the season is about far better than bludgeoning us with Buffy’s exhaustion over the course of an hour ever could.

6. Buffy comes into the Magic Box. People ask her about her day and Dawn. Buffy asks if anything is going on. “So, did anybody… um, last night… did anybody… um… burst into song?” Xander: “Merciful Zeus.” I think that’s my favorite Xander line ever. Willow: “We thought it was just us!” Tara: “It was bizarre. We were talking, and…” Buffy: “Like you were in a musical.” Everyone’s talking over each other. Xander: “It was very disturbing.” Giles: “What did you sing about?” Buffy: “I don’t remember. But it seemed perfectly normal.” Xander: “But disturbing, and not the natural order of things.” They speculate on how to speculate.

7. “I’ve Got a Theory/Bunnies/If We’re Together.” Three songs sort of run into each other here, and they’re all individually interesting. For those keeping score at home, we are at a total of two solo lines sung by Willow so far for the episode, though she sings (quietly) in chorus with Tara and/or Anya a lot in this one. Anyway… the first bit, “I’ve Got a Theory,” is a wonderful commentary on the show itself. The fact that every single one of the hypotheses (not theories!) posited by the cast, including Xander’s immediately-retracted witches idea (remember Amy’s mother?) and Anya’s idea about bunnies, is absolutely believable within the show’s context is telling. That the one that fits the way most TV at the time worked best (“Some kid is dreamin’/and we’re all stuck inside his wacky Broadway nightmare”) is the least credible might say more. “Bunnies” is, simply, rockin’, an utterly delightful bit of the wondrous weirdness that is Anya’s mind. And “If We’re Together” is heartbreaking, knowing what we know about Buffy and about what’s happening in the minds and lives of the other members of the cast. Buffy needs them right now, and Willow’s sanity is imploding in a dramatic fashion, Xander’s preoccupied with one of life’s more pleasant mundanities, and Giles is convinced that what Buffy needs is to stand on her own at a time when asking her to do so is akin to asking her to move the ocean. “What can’t we face if we’re together,” she asks, but the question is less relevant than it should be. They’re not together.

8. Xander is disturbed, but Willow thought it was neat. Buffy asks what’s causing it; Giles says he thought she said it doesn’t matter, and Buffy says, “I’m not exactly quaking in my stylish yet affordable boots yet, but something unnatural is going on here, and that usually doesn’t lead to hugs and puppies.” Anya asks if it’s just them. Buffy opens the door.

9. “The Mustard.” I think that might have been my favorite scene in the series.

10. “Not just us.”

11. Dawn comes into the Magic Box. She says they’ll never believe what happened at school today. Buffy, totally even tone: “Everybody started singing and dancing?” Dawn: “I gave birth to a pterodactyl.” Anya: “Oh my god. Did it sing?” Willow and Tara are whispering to each other. They need to leave to get a book. This is an excuse to go home. Dawn steals a necklace off the counter.

12. I have to comment on Tara’s dress, because it’s one of the prettiest pieces of clothing I’ve ever seen. I mean… wow, it’s lovely. They’re walking through a park. People are checking Tara out. Tara: “They were really looking at me?” Willow: “And you can’t imagine what they see in you.” Tara: “I know exactly what they see in me. You.”

13. “Under your Spell.” Okay, wow, a lot to say here. How about I start with the song as a piece of music? It’s really good. Amber Benson might have the best singing voice in the regular cast (it’s her or Anthony Stewart Head), and the arrangement is really good. This works as a piece of pop music, outside the context of the show.

INSIDE the context of the show is where it gets complicated, because there’s two songs here, both of which are being sung simultaneously. There’s the song in the moment, the expression of Tara’s feelings about Willow and about her life, and ye gods if this episode was in a less utterly miserably devastating season that would be the end of it and I’d be happy because it’s beautiful and it’s loving and it’s sexy on a level that can set the soul on fire. What it isn’t is subtle, and I love it for that. This show has had a bad habit of desexualizing the relationship between Willow and Tara, yet here they get what might be the most passionate scene about attraction and love the series has ever offered.

But then you put it into the context of the season so far, and when you do that it starts to hurt before the singing even stars. “I know exactly what they see in me. You,” Tara says to the woman who responded to them having a fight - a bad one, but still within the norms of the arguments people in relationships have - by erasing her memory of both the fight and its cause. “I’m under your spell” is the core line of the song. “You make me believe,” she sings to the one who made her believe their relationship is going swimmingly when in fact it is not. The song takes on a sinister feel within the context of the season as a whole, and its first lines, talking about Tara’s backstory and the places she was in before meeting Willow just make that all the more painful.

14. Xander thinks Tara and Willow are having sex, which means Xander has the reasoning ability God gave a goldfish. He tries not to tell Dawn what he thinks. Dawn knows what he thinks. Dawn thinks it’s romantic; Xander and Buffy think it’s not. Dawn: “Come on. Songs, dancing around. What could be wrong with that?”

15. People catching on fire is what’s wrong with that. Hinton Battle is what’s right with that!

16. Xander and Anya’s apartment. I love the geometry of their building. They’re in bed. Xander offers Anya waffle. Anya asks if he’ll make her waffles when they’re married; Xander makes a tired marriage law joke.

17. “I’ll Never Tell.” This has the best opening lines of any song yet. “This is the man that I plan to entangle isn’t he fine/My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle VENGEANCE WAS MINE!” Also, the newspaper headline. “Mayhem caused! Monsters certainly not to blame.” Less cool: The callback to “Pangs,” which was one of the episodes I’ve liked the least. This song brings up their nerves about their upcoming marriage, but the things they’re nervous about largely seem pretty mundane to me. Standard differences between people stuff. If they wanted to get into the reasons for the cold feet Xander displayed in “All the Way” in a way I’d buy, they really should have brought up his issues with his parents. That probably would have blown up the comedy in this song - and this song was very, very funny. I love the dance choreography, too - the way they move around the room. This song was great.

18. Xander and Anya are walking down the street talking to Giles. They do not like their song as much as I did. They don’t bring up “Pangs” being problematic, though. Anya did mention the missing fourth wall. “The Parking Ticket,” sung by series writer Marti Noxon, happens while they’re walking. Giles knows about the guy who burnt up. More than one person has burned up. Giles: “I was able to see the body while the police were taking witness arias.” I love Giles. Buffy is looking for leads, but she’s not into it. Xander says they need to be there for her. Giles puts a “but” at the end of a line that needs not to have a “but.”

19. Spike: “The sun sets and she appears. Come to serenade me?” They talk a bit about the singing. Spike saw a six hundred pound chirago demon singing. He hasn’t sung yet. Buffy turns down a drink. Spike doesn’t want to talk about singing. She doesn’t want to have sex with Spike. He doesn’t know a thing. He’s trying to get rid of her. Urgently. Does he feel a song coming on?

20. “Rest in Peace.” Yes. Yes he does. Buffy’s eyeroll when he starts singing is basically my whole world right now. The song’s good… catchy tune, James Marsters belts it out like a boss. It’s actually a badass bit of really creepy unrequited love rock ballad. The bit in the show where he leaps on a casket while singing is well-done, though I question why, apart from providing a stage for him to sing on (which is reason enough, in this episode), there’s a funeral happening in Sunnydale at night. This song pretty much encapsulates the Buffy/Spike story so far, and is thus creepy as hell. If someone were to sing something like this about me, I’d be really impressed all the way to the courthouse to request a restraining order right the fuck now.

21. “So, you’re not staying, then?” Heh.

22. Dawn is hiding things. Tara comes in and tells her that they have a lead on what’s going on… a demon that can be summoned who’s a lord of the dance. Dawn asks if they know who summoned it. Tara is all lovestruck. Dawn talks about the fight Willow erased from Tara’s memory. Tara doesn’t remember it, and is suddenly off-put. She’s looking at the flower in a bit of terror. She’s going to the Magic Box. Dawn says she’ll be okay.

23. “Dawn’s Lament.” She steals things. Nobody notices. Then she gets kidnapped. By puppet-looking dudes.

24. “Dawn’s Ballet.” Dawn comes to at the Bronze. On the pool table. Nobody’s there. The puppet dudes are there. They ballet-fight-chase.

25. “What You Feel.” So, Hinton Battle as the demon Sweet just explained the entire plot of the episode to us. He gets summoned, his presence makes people sing about things they’re hiding (“All those hearts lie open that must sting”) and sets people on fire by concentrating his power on them (“Plus some customers just die combusting.”) He believes Dawn summoned him, so when he leaves Earth, he’ll take her with him and she’ll be his queen. He also wants to kill the Slayer. I wonder if Sweet’s killed Slayers before? He’s… actually kind of ridiculously powerful. The song itself is wonderful. Did I mention that Hinton Battle has won three Tony awards? That’s important.

26. Buffy and Giles in the training room. Buffy is worried they’ll get a training montage from an 80s movie; Giles says that if they hear any inspirational power chords they’ll lie down until they go away. Buffy is pretty spry for a corpse. Giles asks if she’s spoken to Dawn about the incident on Halloween; she says she thought Giles took care of it, and says she’s ready. He goes to the knife and throwing axe and shuriken rack.

27. “Standing.” This song is beautifully painful. I’m going to start with something you’re likely expecting: Giles is wrong. Buffy, at the moment, needs support, needs duties taken off her shoulders, needs a goddamn therapist; she does not need to be allowed to sink or swim on her own.

But Giles thinks she needs that. He honestly believes, and I can see how he might given the information he has, that Buffy is best off without him at the moment - that she’s leaning on him in a way she’ll never stop, and she’s strong enough now to stand on her own. That the only way for her to continue to heal is for him to leave. He doesn’t want to, and it hurts him on a soul-deep level that he believes he has to go. Leaving will wound him. This song is painful because I do love Giles, and because I read it as being about stupid, pointless self-sacrifice.

Meanwhile, downstairs in the main floor of the shop, Tara walks past crying.

28. Tara has found the flower in a book. Lethe’s bramble, which is used for spells of forgetting and mind control.

29. “Under Your Spell/Standing (Reprise).” Giles continues to express the same sentiment he had in the last song. Tara’s part in this one is more interesting… the stream of consciousness of someone realizing a partner has crossed an unfixable line, but one still loves them. “I can’t adjust to this disgust we’re done and I just wish I could stay.” Meanwhile, Buffy and Willow are conversing at the front of the store while Giles and Tara sing their heartbreak. Buffy and Willow don’t know. They think life goes on.

30. Spike found a puppet guy. Willow is happy to see Tara but Tara doesn’t speak to her and Willow gets all wounded-face. Spike tells the puppet guy to sing. Music starts, then the puppet just explains what’s going on. Then he runs away. Spike: “Strong. Some day he’ll be a real boy.” Buffy: “So, Dawn’s in trouble. Must be Tuesday.” Tara apologizes; Buffy immediately dismisses the idea of it being Tara’s fault. Xander wants to do a full-on cavalry charge; Giles turns that plan down and says Buffy has to go alone. Giles says Buffy is going alone. Spike: “Don’t be a stupid git. There is no…” Giles: “If I want your opinion, Spike, I’ll… I’ll never want your opinion.” Willow suggests a confusion spell; Tara vetoes that. Spike: “Forget it, Slayer. I got your back.” Buffy: “I thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn’t that what you sang?” Xander and Anya make fun of Spike. Spike: “Fine. I hope you dance till you burn. You and the little bit.” That’s very Spike - obsessed, angry, violent, worshipping. Buffy is surprised they’re not coming. She asks Giles what he expects her to do; he says “Your best.”

31. “Walk Through the Fire.” A lot to talk about in the big group number too. First off… apparently, this was both the most expensive and most difficult to film scene in the series. I can see why - it’s a huge setpiece, involving a fair chunk of the Sunnydale sets the show has used through its run and a lot of coordination. Plus the fire engines at the end.

Second, “So one by one, they come to me/The distant redness as their guide/But what they’ll find ain’t what they had in mind/It’s what they have inside.” Sweet again lays out the core of his threat - his power to incinerate isn’t nearly the danger that his power to lay secrets bare is.

Buffy is done. She was done in “The Gift,” and everything that’s happened since then has made her more aware just how done she is. Honestly, her duty should have been done at “Prophecy Girl,” when the Slayer line passed from her to Kendra. In “The Gift,” though, she ended her story on her own terms, only to have Willow shred that ending and insist on adding a few new chapters. If Buffy can’t have the ending on her terms, going to confront a being far more powerful than she is while knowing she’s given up (remember “Fool for Love?”) will at least let her have it be over again. Giles, meanwhile, rethinks his decision on sending her alone, and Willow gets a third solo line.

32. “Showtime.” Buffy is at the Bronze, and finds Sweet and Dawn there. Buffy snarks with Sweet a bit, and Dawn swears she didn’t summon him. Buffy offers to go to Hell with Sweet instead of Dawn. Sweet: “What if I kill you?” Buffy: “Trust me. Won’t help.” Sweet: “That’s gloomy.” Buffy: “That’s life.” He asks if life’s a miraculous thing. Buffy: “I think you already know the answer.”

33. “Something to Sing About.” There’s a lot I could say about this song - how tightly-written the lyrics are, the disconcerting amelodism in the bits where Buffy lists off things to live for - but I want to focus on a few moments. The first is the very beginning, the facial acting Sarah Michelle Gellar does while singing the first few lines. Buffy, here, is dragging herself into character - snark and passion, focused on an enemy. That doesn’t last. Second, toward the end of the song, when she’s told them that she was in Heaven (and look at Willow’s face when she does), and she begs Sweet, “Please, give me something (to sing about),” and Sweet gets this almost regretful look in his eyes as he shakes his head. He’s evil, so he wouldn’t, and he’s got nothing, so he can’t, but even he seems moved here. And delighted… there’s also joy there. He’s watched one of the most powerful beings on the planet break for his amusement. Third, Spike’s insight. We see him have really important insights before, things one only understands if one isn’t a person, and this might be more important than his understanding of why opening Glory’s portal has to use blood. He knows what it is to die, to cease to live. He and Buffy are the only people in the room that’s true of, though Tara has a similar experience. Fourth, “The hardest thing in this world is living in it.” Dawn offers Buffy the same words here that Buffy offered Dawn before leaping to her death in “The Gift,” and it resonates very well. Fourth, just as the last few notes play, Tara, holding Willow’s shoulder and comforting her. “We’re done,” she sang in the Reprise, but she still loves Willow, and love moves us to empathy and grace even when a relationship can’t be salvaged. This episode needs no action climax; it has this song.

34. Sweet: “Now, that was a show stopper. Not quite the that I was looking for…” Then Willow, who is the only person here who might be on Sweet’s level, threatens him. Sweet smells power. “I guess the little missus and I should be on our way.” Giles: “That’s never going to happen.” Sweet: “I don’t make the rules. She summoned me.” Dawn again insists she didn’t. He points out that what she’s wearing is his talisman. She says she found it on the floor… that’s a lie. But she didn’t, in fact, summon him. Giles says that if it was in the shop, it was one of them… it turns out it was Xander. He thought there would be dances and songs, and wanted to make sure they’d get a happy ending. Sweet is annoyed. Xander asks if he has to be Sweet’s queen. Sweet: “It’s tempting… but I think we’ll waive that clause just this once. Big smiles, everyone. You beat the bad guy.”

35. “What You Feel (Reprise).” “All those secrets you’ve been concealing’/Say you’re happy now, once more with feeling/Now I gotta run/See you all/In HELLLLLL!” Also, his expression when he sings “And there’s not a one who can say this ended well.” This was a pyrrhic victory for everyone involved, which I didn’t think was possible.

36. “Where Do We Go From Here?” Big group sing about being lost. “The battle’s done and we kinda won so we sound our victory cheer/Where do we go from here?” Awkwardness at the start of the song. “Understand we go hand in hand but we walk alone in fear.” That moment might have my favorite choreography in the episode. I love Spike breaking out of the song. “Bugger this.” “The curtains close on a kiss God knows we can tell the end is near.” Buffy meets Spike outside. “The day you suss out what you do want, there’ll probably be a parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones.” From watching Sound! Euphonium, that would be a LOT of trombones. That would be nearly a concert band and a half worth of just trombones. They sing the opening bars of their songs - “Walk through the Fire” from Buffy and “Rest in Peace” from Spike - and then they kiss. Episode end. Different ending credit song. Plus a big The End card in the style of classic (as in, 1940s-1950s) musical films. The Mutant Enemy sings “Grr, Argh!”

Overall: This is the best episode so far this season. This is the best episode since “Hush.” It belongs with “Hush,” “Amends,” and the best parts of the Faith arc in the list of best episodes of the series. This is how you do an episode about depression and sadness and being overwhelmed and miserable and make it not merely watchable but brilliant.

There are reasons that most of the great theater of the twentieth century, and much of the best cinema of its first half, comes in the form of musicals. You put an idea to song and the idea becomes easier to think about while still being entertained. Stephen Sondheim has done truly great musicals about the mundanity and loneliness of modern life (“Company”) and the assassinations of various Presidents of the United States (“Assassins,”) and they’re actively fun to watch while still making poignant emotional points. That’s the power of a well-composed musical.

It does, however, kind of make me wish I’d skipped much of the last three or four episodes. It tells me their stories in song form, which is a far more enjoyable way of seeing them than actually sitting through them. “Show, don’t tell,” the old adage goes, but if showing takes three hours of television, most of which I’m going to be miserable for because people I like are being tormented in gruesome emotional detail while telling involves a peppy song and dance number, I’m quite frankly fine with telling.

Even in its full version, which takes up nearly a full hour (they cut back drastically on the number of commercials that aired during this episode’s first run), “Once More With Feeling” is short for a musical. The cartoon version of “The Lion King” runs for 89 minutes, and the stage performance goes for 150 minutes including a single brief intermission. But it runs as long as it needs to, and tells its story well.

Sweet is one of the show’s best villains, and, apart from possibly the First Evil from “Amends,” probably the best one-episode monster the show’s given us. Among the seasonal villains, I’d probably place the Mayor and Glory above him.

This episode is a reminder, in the midst of a truly dismal time, how great a show Buffy the Vampire Slayer can be.