#wisteriatask

[matthessman]

“i’m a freak, i’m a pretender, i never really had a place”

On May 7th 1981, the desperate screams of a twenty-six year old Grace Hessman were heard through every corridor of that usually quiet hospital as she gave birth to her first and only child. The little boy would be named Matthew as a sweet tribute to his maternal grandfather, who had passed away the year before. In an ironic way, when growing up, the boy would be just like his grandpa. Friendly, nice, almost funny... He made everyone smile at all times and he loved the attention family members would give him because of it.

That was until his teenage years. At the age of fifteen, a wave of boredom seemed to have run through him. Now, the only joy he felt was when he would be with his paternal grandparents or chat with his friends. Other than that, no one could get a hold on him.

It wasn’t long until the boy started hearing the joke of “he just needs a girl to cheer him up”; his uncles and aunts were very quick when it came to that. He would just roll his eyes. He didn’t need that. He never wanted that. In his eyes, relationships were boring. A big example of that were his parents. He would always wonder how they even tolerated each other after so many years of what seemed to be the most unsweetened marriage. They were mediocre and, for some reason, he was the only one who could actually notice that. It wouldn’t take much to predict how that boy would deal with romantic feelings for the rest of his life. And, because of that, it was a surprise when he brought home a high school girlfriend, at the age of seventeen. Arthur and Grace couldn’t even hide their confusion. Somehow, their boy wasn’t a total hater when it came to romance.

The fact he brought a girlfriend home was just the beginning of his “wild years”. The boy who had been very closed off was once again friendly. His mood wasn’t so grumpy anymore and his mother, being a teacher in the school he studied at, couldn’t help but observe him at lunch breaks and wonder how he could have changed so much in so little time.

That exact thought crossed her mind once again when he was eighteen. Matthew had just randomly expressed that he wanted to try joining the Air Force after high school. He received his parents’ confused glances that night. After all, that was the first time they were hearing something like that from him. Not to mention the fact that he had never really been exposed to or expressed interest in military activities; they didn’t even know if those existed! It was a complete shock. But, eventually, the idea grew in their minds. Their son was polite, brave and pretty much independent. He would do well and they didn’t really need to worry about anything. He would deal with everything in his own way.

And, just after high school, he happily pursued his dream. The Hessman boy got out of town and made everything to reach his goal.

And he eventually did. At least, for about ten years.

At the age of thirty-two, after a career dedicated to the maintenance and repair area, he decided to retire from the Air Force due to a work accident that earned him some weeks in the hospital.

After that, Matthew moved to Colorado. He lived in Estes Park, a quiet town surrounded by mountains. There, he took the opportunity to become a handyman; which, for him, was the easiest and best decision to make, considering his situation. It didn’t take long for him to start loving his new routine. After all, his new job was easy and rewarding and the place he was living in was a dream for him.

And that love for his new life lasted for some years. Weeks after he turned thirty-nine, he returned to Fairview after his parents moved form their old house. He made the decision to renovate the house he grew up in and, after a couple of weeks of staying in a nearby hotel, he finally moved in. That would’ve been a great thing if the town wasn’t going through such a chaotic event; but he could definitely say that about his mind too.

His thoughts were messy in the month of december. After hearing the news of Rose Moore, he got the news of his own parenthood. He couldn’t say he was shocked. After some nights out and a couple of casual encounters that weren’t really thought of, that wasn’t something he could be shocked about. He had not been careful and he knew it. Now, he had to deal with... That.

And it was killing him inside. He never expected that to happen to him but, somehow, he was excited. Even though Matt didn’t actually plan something like that, it was always a wish of him. Of course, raising a child is hard, it takes effort and patience, but he was still excited. A little Hessman seemed like the extra piece to his life. It was like a bonus ingredient. An ingredient that wasn’t mandatory to bake a cake, but one that makes the cake even greater. Maybe, just maybe, that was all he needed in his life, at that moment. A bonus ingredient in the form of a child.

But he couldn’t help feeling worried. What type of dad would he be? His mind would instantly say “a bad one” and he couldn’t deny that something like that would make sense. He never really had a good role model to start with. His father was always at work, for some reason. And Matthew refused to settle down with someone. His fear of becoming mediocre just like his parents was always gonna be bigger than any love he could possibly feel for someone. At least, that’s what he thought. That’s what made sense.

With thoughts like that racing through his mind, the only thing he could think about was to hide those news caused by his drunk and irresponsible acts on some random night. After all, if no one knew, no one could gossip about it. But how long can he actually hide something like that?

[sydashworth]

So since this task is so big I made private posts for each moodboard and a public one for the playlist. I’m going to link each one below just to keep everything neat and tidy.

playlist.   listen here.

all about your character one significant relationship how they feel about their family and its dynamics grief / betrayal

[sloanemlx]

THE MIND OF SLOANE: A Playlist. 

30 something songs and counting.  Continue below for the significance of the first 15 songs. Give the playlist a listen, maybe you’ll find your own favorites too.

i. steady love by india arie — I have never  met a man that I wanted to be his wife/And then he came along, it's so natural to make a life/ 'Cause he's a perfect compliment, 'cause I'm a boss in my world/But when we're together, he just makes me feel like his girl

This song is literally the very least Sloane wants in her marriage. It used to be her goal song but knowing she’s worth it, made it her ‘this is where the bar is’ song. This is also her, ‘I just want to slow dance with my husband because I’m in a very loving mood’ song.

ii. rocket by en vogue — Don't think I ever felt so small/But darkness never felt so bright/And in your arms/It's hard to feel afraid at all

Honestly En Vogue has always been Sloane’s favorite girl group. Above SWV, TLC, and even Destiny’s child. So anything they release would easily be on any of Sloane’s playlists. She has no reason why but Rocket is one of her top two songs by them. Maybe it’s the background sound? Who knows.

iii. i’ll make love to you by boyz ii men —  Throw your clothes on the floor/I'm gonna take my clothes off too/I made plans to be with you/Girl whatever you ask me you know I can do

Not that she’s looking to have kids right now, though baby fever is real sometimes, there’s no better ‘getting in the mood’ song like this one. Sloane also has a love, very strong love and crush, on boyz ii men. If she wasn’t married....

iv. like this by kelly rowland —  Told y'all I was gonna bump like this/Y'all didn't think that I could bump like this/Said I told y'all I was gonna bump like this (uh-uh)/Turn around then I make it jump like this (Ladies)

Currently her favorite getting ready song. It’s top tier. It’s on her girlfriend’s playlist, aka great songs to jump around to when with your friends. Maybe she shouldn’t actually do her make up during this song because she would just be moving around all the time but it’s great in theory.

v. vibe by deraj —  And if it goes up, then it goes up/And if it goes down, then it goes down/And if it goes up, then it goes up/And if it's a vibe, let it vibe out

If she smoked weed, this would be her weed song, but she doesn’t so it’s a great relaxing, sit in the sun (with sunscreen, spf is important folks) and enjoy your day kind of song. Sloane feels like this song is the epitome of her on a good day or at least a day where she’s fine with life moving the way it wants.

vi. bust your windows by jazmine sullivan —  You see you can't just play with people's feelings/Tell them you love them and don't mean it/You'll probably say that it was juvenile/But I think that I deserve to smile

When you look for love as much as Sloane did, you’re bound to find it in the wrong place many times. Many, many times. It feels like she’s put herself through the worst, but they haven’t been that bad, but she’s had her fair share of bad relationships. She might have done things she wasn’t proud of to deal. Allegedly. 

vii. better dig two by the band perry — If the ties that bind ever do come loose/If forever ever ends for you/If that ring gets a little too tight/You might as well read me my last rights

This song is dramatic and especially with the weird and terrible track of relationships in Fairview, this song might just have a second meaning. Sloane takes her vows very real and she will take it to the grave. There’s no lie or dramatization when Sloane tells Piper she’s handling everything with Eli and Mila a lot better than she think she would.

viii. one, two step by ciara — Strut my stuff and yes I flaunt it/Goodies make the boys jump on it/No I can't control myself/Now let me do my one, two step

Something very important to know, if you haven’t figured it out now, it that Sloane currently and for a long time has loved dancing. Kickbacks, house parties, doing way too much. It’s fair to say most upbeat songs got her out of a chair and to put down a beer ( a drink, but beer rhymed okay) but this one always did.

ix. brown skin by india arie —  Skin so brown, lips so round/Baby how can I be down?/Beautiful mahogany, you make me feel like a queen/Tell me what's that thing you do that makes me want to get next to you, yeah

Like every kid out there, Sloane had/has/still struggles with her fair share of insecurities. Although this song came out after she had started loving herself, it is still one of her favorites on days where she’s just not sure if she belongs.

x. melodies from heaven by kirk franklin —  Take me in Your arms and hold me close/Rain down on me/Rain down on me

You wouldn’t know it since she rarely goes herself except for holiday services, but her parents did raise her in a Christian household. They always woke her up on Saturday mornings - correct, she always woke up to gospel music blasting to clean up. They played many songs but melodies from heaven has one of the best bridges.

xi. not tonight by elle varner —  Who would I be/To make my feelings known/I need a little audacity but it's not in my bones/I'm standing here, terrified

It may be hard to believe but once upon a time, what seems like long ago, the now social girl was a very very shy one. Not only did she struggle with talking to people, even just looking at boys was a fight, never less one she actually liked. This song reminds her of how far she’s come.

xii. 16 shots by stefflon don —  No gyal can tell me 'bout my mother/16 shot, we go longer than a ladder/Dem nuh fi talk 'bout the real don dada/Put body inna pot dem a bun like grabba

Although the song talks about mothers, Sloane would do anything for her family. They haven’t always had the best relationship but even then she’d kill for them. Her list of people she’d kill for is ever growing.

xiii. get busy/like glue by sean paul —  'Til a early morn'/Let's get it on/Let's get it on 'til a early morn'/It's all good jus turn me on

Children now adays twerk like Sloane doesn’t and will not do it. She will, and hasn’t in a very good minute, whine. Then again, she spent more time in clubs than she probably should have but she also spent a lot of time hanging around people who taught her to whine. 

xiv. sittin’ up in my room by brandy —  Be sittin' up in my room/Back here thinkin' 'bout you/I must confess, I'm a mess for you/Be sittin' up in my room

Okay so she was like a pre-teen when this song came out but you know those songs that just have you in your feelings like you’re in a relationship when no one is even batting an eye at you?

xv. love and war by tamar braxton —  As long as we make up after every fight when it's over/You know I'm comin' home right there where I belong/I'm takin' off this armor oh-oh-oh-whoa-ooh-oh-oh

Best song to lose your damn voice to. Although Sloane loves the Braxton’s and both un-break my heart and he wasn’t man enough for me are a damn hit, but tamar braxton is underrated and has some of the greatest 

[sydashworth]

Playlist.

   Loving You Gets Hard -  Alexander 23    

                When lovin' you gets hard                     I will love you harder                     I knew it from the start        That your love would be hard-earned, baby                  Trust your love is good for me                   And I will love you equally

This song really resonates with Sydney because it reminds her a lot of her marriage with Charles. While she doesn’t think loving him is hard now, she likes to believe that when times get hard that she would only love him harder. 

       2. always, i'll care -  Jeremy Zucker

               I've had a lifetime to be alone              If you let me, when it gets heavy              Know I'll never let you be all alone

                    Driving down the interstate                       I've never felt so far away                      Leaving hardly hurts at all                       I'm sorry that I never call

                         Often I get exhausted                 Trying regardless to be enough

This song hits three different things for her. The first bit she really loves because if Charles lets her then she will never let him feel all alone, no matter what. I think she feels that her husband is afraid of being alone...and afraid of being never first best......Even though he is best to her.

The second posted verse reminds her of when she left her parents’ home when she was younger and how it didn’t really hurt her, but she’s sorry that she doesn’t call them more,

Sometimes it’s just all a bit too overwhelming pretending to be perfect all the time. The life of an Ashworth...or well, the price of being human.

       3.  Can't Let You Go -  Ali Gatie

                        Long nights of cryin'                     I felt like I was dyin' every night                         I'd rather keep on fightin'            At least then I've got a reason to fight

                         I can't let you go      Trust me, I've tried and I swear I'm still trying to know                           How to move on?

She honestly she can’t even listen to this song all the way through. It reminds her too much of Jon...and how she felt after his death...and how no matter how hard she tries she still thinks of him. Wonders if she shouldn’t have moved on...it fills her with doubt about how she handled his passing.

       4.  CHICKEN TENDIES -  Clinton Kane

                I hope he treats you better than I ever could 'Cause you deserve the world times two, and our simple Sunday afternoons           I hope he's home for you, even though I had to lose you         You define who fills your heart, even if I'm not the one you choose

                 I thought I caught a glimpse of me and you             In our kitchen, where I cooked your favorite food

This song, however, fills her with hope. It popped on one night when she was feeling particularly low and she took it as a message from Jon...and that it’s almost as if he’s speaking to her. When she cooks something that was on of his favorites, she does feel like she catches glimpses of him in the reflections of the window, but she knows it’s just her mind playing games with her.

       5.  Pretty Places -  Aly & AJ

             We could pack up this house, get out of town                    Drive across country, one-tail light out            You wouldn't need anything else now, would ya?                    Just all my books and your old Daytona

                                All the pretty places                     Pull us away from where the pain is                                  These open skies                              Leaving the past behind                         I would, for all the pretty places

She really loves this song and listening to it...it reminds her that if things get hard or too much for either her or her husband then she has no problem leaving and finding a new pretty place....or travel to many pretty places. It also reminds her of the time she packed everything up and started her life.

       6.  Physical -  Dua Lipa

                            All night, I'll riot with you             I know you got my back and you know I got you                        So come on, come on, come on                                Let's get physical                           Lights out, follow the noise

This is just another one of her work out songs...everything about it gets her amped up....the beats....the lyrics....and not to mention it makes her think of Charles. She has his back.

       7.  I Am Enough -  Cimorelli

                          'Cause I'll never win                           I'll never be the best                   There will always be something                            Hanging over my head                      But I let it go, my life goes on                                     I still exist                               And I am enough

This song really made her realize that she might not be the best at everything sometimes or she might mess up, but she will still be enough, even if doubts creep into her head all she has to do is listen to this. Plus the piano version is really beautiful to her.

       8.  Body -  Megan Thee Stallion

          Body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (ah, ah, ah ah)                     Ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody          Body crazy, curvy, wavy, big titties, lil' waist (yeah, yeah, yeah)            Body crazy, curvy, wavy, big titties, lil' waist (mwah)                   Body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody                         Ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody

Honestly, this song just gets her hype AF...she can definitely work out to this song.

       9.  Daisy -  Ashnikko

                  You don't wanna see me bratty                        Pet the kitty, call me catty                     Make your man call me daddy                He talk too much, he's too chatty (not cool)                               CEO, I'm savvy                  Respect a bitch, I'm a maverick                            Flexible, so elastic

When Sydney is feeling spicy or like she wants to be a little more than just her usual dorky self she puts this song on. Something about it really makes her put on a show...which I guess would be her normal dorky self xD even if she doesnt think so. It makes her feel powerful and sexy.

     10.  Put Your Records On -  Corinne Bailey Rae

         Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song                        You go ahead, let your hair down                              Sapphire and faded jeans                             I hope you get your dreams                         Just go ahead, let your hair down            You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

Everything about this song reminds her of a younger Sydney. She wishes she could tell her past self this song. To let her worries go and to just chase after living...and that she’s going to be ok, she will be ok.

     11. Head & Heart -  Joel Corry x MNEK

                  Oh my God, oh my God                 When I see you I should run                    But I'm frozen in motion                 And my head tells me to stop                          Tells me to stop

             Feeling feelings I feel about us            Try to fight it but it's never enough

                         My heart is certain                       It's more than a crush                     'Cause I'm frozen in motion                  And my head tells me to stop 

Surprise! This song reminds her of the first time she met Charles. She was still hung up on her ex when she met him about her clinic and almost everything told her to run, but she found herself falling. She tried fighting it in the beginning, but her fighting was no use. She fell and she fell hard for him.