#with the futility of everything it is enough
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spookypeachpitt13 · 3 days ago
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PittVerse smut blurb.
AFAB!Reader insert
MDNI
Dr. RobbyCENTRIC.
Pushing Robby away gently because you wanna shower first before he finally tastes you…
Only to have him look you in the eyes with borderline sass and playful annoyance as he says, “So you mean to tell me…a waiter places a perfectly seasoned meal in front of you….” he starts as he glances down at your pussy, Barbie pink from the excess blood flow, puffy, clenching, and by god…fucking weeping. He can see the drip from your empty hole collecting on the fabric of his brand new couch. He takes in a long slow breath, filling up his chest purposefully so you can watch the girth of his body just….EXPAND.
He blows out the long slow breath, letting the hot air gust along your sensitive cunt.
“And you just tell him to go wash it all off?” He finally finishes, placing two kisses on you: one on each of your swollen, touch starved lips.
You let out a whine and finally let your body fall back against the smooth suede material and let your knees fully flop open. Arguing with him is useless. It’s futile. And to be honest? You had very few cardinal rules: the main one being, If he doesn’t care? you don’t care. So fuck it.
“I wanna try all your fucking flavors” he grunts against your left inner thigh as he drags his coarse beard along your skin. You let out soft whimpers in concession before taking in a deep breath and holding it.
You can feel a small puff of air against the exposed part of your clit from his chuckle. You let your fingers run down your body, slowly, and feather-like, giving yourself purposeful goosebumps. Robby raises an eyebrow as he watches you, keeping his mouth level with your clit. With his pointer and middle finger he slowly drags his finger tips up your pussy and when he reaches the top, he starts back down only spreading you open for him in the process.
“Yup. Yeah. Yup…fuck I knew you were gonna be a dirty boy” you say in a soft moan and he feels your fingers tangle in his hair. He smirks against your skin knowing that you’re finally letting that wall down…the wall that’s been hiding the absolute freak he knows you are.
He knows you are all about trust. You told him from day one: Trust is my #1 Kink. It’s my priority. Everything after that is just a bonus.
So it makes his chest swell with pride, knowing that you clearly trust him enough to start being his little naughty kitten. His. His slutty good girl.
“Your dirty fucking boy” he growls before finally letting the top of his tongue round your clit. He works the tip under your hood to expose you fully to the cold air of his apartment. You shiver and let out a tiny gasp as your hips buck on their own.
“My dirty good fucking boy” you whimper, pushing your hips down into his face at the same you adding pressure to the back of his head with your hands. He lets out a feral noise at the words “good fucking boy” and you can feel the couch start to shake.
You lean up on your elbows to see this fucking bastard rutting his hips into the couch cushion like it’s made of your skin.
“Jesus, Robby…take it out baby…let me play” you say almost desperately. He shakes his head “no” violently against your pussy, causing his beard to scrape against the sensitive skin. “Ok ok ok! FUCK OK!” You scream out, arching your back and gripping onto the sides of the couch.
“Michael Robinavitch…Holy shit- I feel…fucking- ugh holy shit” you babble out almost incoherently. Just when you thought you couldn’t feel anymore nerve endings underneath your belly button, he pushes back just enough to spit on his middle and ring finger. You choke on a breath as he leans back an extra centimeter to spit directly on your clenching, desperate, greedy fucking hole.
“dirty dirty dirty boy” you babble, letting your head fall back against the arm of the couch. He finally slides those two thick digits inside of you and curls up to add instant, almost unbearable, pressure to your GSpot. Before you can even think to react, his mouth is back on your clit like suction.
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh MY GOD” you scream out in a sob. Your hips are moving in their own at this point. The dew of your pussy is saturating his beard…you can even see a glisten near the corner of his eye. He’s a maniac.
“Robby I’m gonna cum. Baby don’t stop…don’t fucking stop.” You punctuate your pleasure with a viscous snap of your hips down onto the combination of his fingers and tongue. Your hips moving as if you were the guy fucking into a desperate little pussy…kinda like yours right now.
He groans against you and splays the flat of his tongue against the skin of your pussy that his hand isn’t touching. He starts to move his thick flat tongue against your clit and exposed lips and pussy like he’s trying to unbury a secret with his mouth.
You screech. There’s no other way to describe the noise. You screech because without warning, you squirt. You squirt hard. “Oh my god I’m sorry!” You scream out, still cumming as your wet fills his mouth unexpectedly. Your face starts to turn bright red before you swear you start to hear gulping.
You look down between your legs and like a child who was just told to finish all his milk before he could go play, Robby smiles up at you while swallowing and wiping off the back of his mouth. He opens up, instinctively, to show you he swallowed it all and lets out a playful “Aahhhh”
You take a beat to process this filthy fucker laying in front of you before letting out a bark of laughter and letting yourself fall back against the couch.
“My dirty good boy” you say panting softly and patting his head gently.
*****not gonna lie. This was a tad inspired by @robbyology and her recent chapter update. And then also Sinners…cuz uh…Preacherboy. Anyway.
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liobi · 3 days ago
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Finish the Job, a Mafia AU bad end
okay so for context, I was working on some lotus eater machine stellaron stuff for @thedeerus's Time Is Running Out au which involved Stelle having a dream where there were no super powers and she and Caelus were in college and everything was fine, and Haris jumped off that with an idea that Nanook and Akivili ran a crime syndicate and the stellaron hunters were there to probe some rich kids who probably didn't know what their parents got up to for information to make that organization collapse.
That led to "well, rich kids and arranged fiances, right?" So Dan Heng and Sparkle got in the mix, (then the bullet points for this ending made us so sad that we legitimately started shipping Stelle and Sparkle so there's also a happily after ending titled (Don't) Finish The Job where Sparkle and Stelle do something about their growing feelings for each other and Stelle acknowledges she has two hands and both Kafka and Sparkle are happy to share her)(Dan Heng and Firefly uhhhh sure do. get along extremely well with Caelus in the biblical sense.... absolute bunny shit). I'll probably put all this stuff on AO3 eventually once i clean it up/make it less like the fanfic equivalent of a sketch by my standards, same with Time is Running Out. So yeah Mafia au is an AU of the Time is Running Out au and I hope you enjoy the bad end, without further ado..... Title; Path of Destruction
The socially mandated date nights between the heirs to Nanook’s “art dealing business” and their arranged fiancees were generally uneventful. Dinners at nice restaurants, box seats at sports games or theatrical productions, maybe a red carpet or two, the usual things that rich brats with nothing better to do did with their arranged future marriage partners. These dates were public affairs so business was kept firmly separate unless absolutely necessary. But this time business was intruding on Stelle’s date whether she liked it or not.
One too many phones pointed in their direction, a car that had circled the block twice, rain had begun to fall hard enough that her range of vision had shortened, and most crucially her parentally mandated tail had vanished. 
“What's wrong, grey hair?” Her fiancee looked at her quizzically when she slowed on their run for cover, not having noticed yet. Sparkle was better than Stelle at navigating people, but Stelle was better than Sparkle at navigating situations and this one reeked. So Stelle made a beeline for the nearby alleyway, holding tight to Sparkle’s arm despite her protests, to where a beat up pewter goblet had been placed to collect coins from sympathetic passersby.
“Are you troupe?” Stelle stood over a rambling homeless woman holding a wet cardboard sign that said “repent” as a futile shield against the rain. The woman didn't stop her ramblings but she gave the slightest incline of her head, and that was good enough for Stelle. “We might be fucked, get her out of here.” 
The speed in which the woman showed her goblet, stood, and readied at least six different weapons under her clothes impressed and frightened Stelle. Sparkle was affronted by Stelle’s disregard. “Grey hair if you don't tell me what's going on-”
“Just some stuff me and my guys have to take care of. I'll be back soon.” Stelle interrupted her, turning over Sparkle's arm to the incognito Mourning Actor. Sparkle started to say something else but the sentence was silenced by a kiss that was rough, joyless, exhausted, and tasted like deceit.
It was not the usual kiss of obligation, not the occasional kiss between politically arranged spouses that belied the unspoken seeds of affection between them in their private moments, this was the kiss of farewells. “See you later, Hanabi.”
Without a moment to spare the troupe member hustled Sparkle down the alleyway despite her protests. “Asshole! Grey hair! Stelle!!” 
And then she was out of sight and Stelle walked deliberately step by step into the road in front of the oncoming car before it could circle the block again. She sent a text to her brother as the car slowed to a stop.
I’m probably fucked.
Woof, me too.
That wasn't exactly comforting but at least she knew she had company in her misery. Occasionally Stelle and Caelus would have double dates and she was kicking herself that tonight wasn't one of those nights. As long as they were together they were basically invincible. As it was now, she only had her knife for company.
But then she got a text in the family group chat. It was from Nanook, and it was only one word.
Run.
They were turbo fucked.
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“Did you text the kids?” A voice from upstairs called over the loud sloshing noises. Nanook snapped their old flip phone shut and climbed the villa stairs to see Akivili splashing kerosene onto every potentially flammable surface. “I already got the East and West wings, and I sent the staff through the escape tunnels. I think I’ll be done in abouuuuut ten minutes if I’m being careful, and three minutes if you decide fuck it we ball.”
Nanook took in the house. The family portrait of the two of them and their children, the halls full of so many memories, the life that they and Akivili had managed to build for themselves despite being orphans that came from nothing. Granted, what they built when they came to this country was a criminal empire, but every family had its own quirks.
“Whoever is attacking us is using a PMC, and they turned some of our guys.” Nanook sighed. The gunfire was steadily getting closer, the intruders had made it past the security gate because someone from the inside had opened it. “I guess I wasn't thorough enough with our housecleaning.”
Akivili stepped closer and laid their head against Nanook’s chest. Nanook rested their chin on the crown of Akivili’s head. The two of them basked in the relative silence and kerosene fumes as the distant gunfire drew closer. Akivili broke the silence. “We had a good run, didn't we Nano?”
“Do you have to call me that right now?”
“Awww, are you pouting? I remember when you were sooooo much smaller than me, just a little kid taking care of some rich asshole’s horses to make barely enough to buy some bread scraps.”  Akivili leaned back to meet Nanook's gaze with a tired, defeated smile.
“And I still remember the teenager who had more in common with a raccoon than a person, who hid in a haystack while they were running away from the local thugs they'd pissed off.” the corners of Nanook’s mouth turned upwards despite themself. “As long as the kids get to your Nameless network they should be safe.” 
“And as long as they're with their betrothed, they won't risk a fight. So they'll be fine.”
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“I don't think it's a good idea for us to get separated. I think it's an even worse idea for you to get out of the car.” Dan Heng said as Caelus directed the driver to pull into an upcoming gas station and immediately leave as soon as he left the car. “We can lose whoever is following us, Qingni is one of the best drivers the Loufu jituan has.”
“The car up front is some sort of custom model, heavily armored, and I can already tell has more power than we do.” Caelus was mentally kicking himself. They'd gone to the opera so he'd left his knives and gun at home like an idiot instead of leaving them in the car like a reasonable mafioso. As it stood, all he had was his phone, his credit card, and a lighter. “Their plan is probably to wait until we’re in a less populated area and run us off the road with that monster.”
Dan Heng refused to break eye contact. “I’d rather we risk that over you facing whoever is pursuing us alone and unprotected.”
He was so sweet. That was why Caelus had no choice but to ignore his wishes. Dan Heng was the child of a clan steeped in politics and business, not crime. The last thing he needed was to be wrapped up in the legitimately dangerous bits of Caelus’s life. Caelus shot a look to Qingni in the mirror and she nodded.
Caelus was already opening the door when the car rolled to a stop. Dan Heng tried to protest, but Caelus swallowed it all with a kiss. 
“Don't worry, I'll be fine.” He said, pulling out his phone. He pulled up a photo from a day prior, a pregnancy test with two pink lines on the indicator, and showed it to his half panicking fiance. Caelus grinned at the understanding dawning in Dan Heng's eyes. “I’m extremely invested in staying safe after all.”
“Is… it mine?”
“Wow, way to trust your fiance.” Caelus laughed at the blush spreading across Dan Heng's face all the way to his ears. “To be honest I have no clue, the only time I haven't used protection was when it was both you and Firefly at once.”
“Ah, well, that was-”
“We were all drunk, it's fine.” Dan Heng was looking away sheepishly and Caelus took the opportunity to slip out of the car. He shut the door and knocked on the roof and it drove off before Dan Heng could offer any more protests. 
Caelus made the insane preparations that he could in the time he had, but not thirty seconds later, eight cars pulled into the gas station and surrounded him, the nightmare car leading the charge. All Caelus had managed to cobble together was an idea with a lighter and the gas station itself but he wasn't sure exactly how useful it would be against that mobile tank.
From seven of the cars, a swarm of people in nondescript black suits emerged, their firearms poorly concealed in their jackets. From the driver's seat of the custom car a woman wearing a helmet climbed out before coming around to open the rear door for the vehicle’s single passenger and offered a hand.
A woman with long purple hair, dressed in designer fashion and finery, stepped from the vehicle ever so lightly taking the hand of the woman in the helmet. Caelus recognized her, she was in interviews and magazine covers often enough. Jade, the CIO of the International Peace Corporation, a conglomerate big enough to rival the combined might of the Xianzhou jituans. A man in shades with a sword emerged from the crowd of goons and stood next to her, and the woman in the helmet visibly relaxed at his presence.
“Come here often, miss?” Caelus was grinning but his mind was racing. If they were here to just kill him then he was out of luck, but if there was a different angle he was sure he could play his cards right to get out of the situation. “I don't think I've had the pleasure of meeting an IPC executive before.”
Jade brought her hand to her mouth, giving a polite laugh. “Before we get into any more of this lovely banter, let me just make it clear. We have no intention of harming you, we just need you to come with us for a while.”
Ah, a kidnapping. Caelus was relieved he'd sent Dan Heng away after all.
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Kafka watched Stelle’s eyes dawn in realization when she stepped out of the car with Topaz. Six other cars had partially surrounded her in a loose semicircle, and Topaz’s goons were already out with their hands on their concealed weapons. Kafka’s own guns were in plain sight in her shoulder holsters.
“Ah man.” Stelle said with a great heaving sigh looking at Kafka’s guns. “I thought I was good at spotting incognito IPC folks. You're on a whole ‘nother level Miss Kafka.”
She was surprised that Stelle addressing her formally stung as much as it did. Until this moment, she had gotten close enough that Stelle just called her Kafka even at school. “I'm not IPC, but semantics don't really matter all that much in this situation, do they Stelle?”
Stelle's eyes were full of something between exasperation, anger, and grief as Kafka could see her sizing up the gathered forces. She was probably figuring the odds of if she could either fight her way out or flee in a way that got her clear of the whole affair. Kafka wanted to say something, anything to dull the tired malice in Stelle’s gaze, but before she could Topaz cleared her throat.
“You must be Stelle. I’m Topaz, a strategic acquisitions project manager for the IPC.”  Topaz’s red umbrella was like a warning light against the black cars and black suits of the IPC goons. “I’ve heard a lot about you and I would love to hear more from you directly. Would you be so kind as to come with us?”
“So this is a kidnapping, not an assassination.” 
Topaz paused, then began to laugh. “Why on earth would we kill the daughter of an art dealer?” With a slight twitch of her finger, her team began inching closer and closer towards Stelle. “We would just like to discuss a brand deal for our fashion sector, your engagement photos made quite the splash online after all.” 
Kafka remembered the photos. Stelle and her brother wearing collars and muzzles standing next to their seated fiancees who had them on leashes. They had sparked things in Kafka. Igniting her libido for her target was one of them, but they'd also caused a pang in her chest she didn't quite understand. 
Stelle was a target for her job, not someone she was interested in. Her job just happened to be aided by hooking up the cute university student she was probing for info.
“We all know you aren't here to offer a brand deal, just like I know my brother is probably surrounded just like this.” Stelle finally said, still sizing up the approaching goons closing in on her. “My brother and I are mafia princes of the Caos family, we should all just be honest.”
“So you do know. When Kafka said it was only a possibility you might know the truth, we had to build some contingencies into our plan.”  Topaz took out her phone and typed something that Kafka couldn't see. “The brand deal is real, for the record. Who knows? After everything is finished you and your brother might just take us up on it.”
Stelle sighed, turning her weary eyes to Kafka. “So if you aren't IPC, what are you?”
“My group specializes in small-scale espionage and destabilization.” Kafka’s heart was pounding as Stelle’s eyes pierced her soul. Her adrenaline was spiking but she didn't know why. “We’ve taken similar jobs for other groups, this was just another one.”
She took a step towards Stelle, and then another. Kafka could see every single muscle of hers ready to bolt or fight, the younger woman just hadn't decided yet. “Come with us Stelle, come with me. I won't let anything happen to you.”
Stelle looked at the goons. She looked at Topaz. She looked into Kafka's eyes. She let out all the air in her lungs almost as if she was deflating. Stelle looked up at Kafka with a defeated smirk. “Can I at least get one last kiss? You're supposed to give those to people you betray.”
Kafka took the last step and then she was next to Stelle. She cupped the younger woman’s face as Stelle leaned into it, looking at her with her big golden eyes. She really was cute.
Their lips met, their breath mingled. Stelle's breathing hitched as Kafka's tongue pressed against her lips, her teeth, and at last her tongue. When Kafka came away they were both breathless and wearing Kafka’s pink lipstick.
And then Stelle pounced. Before Kafka or any IPC personnel could react, Stelle grabbed Kafka and spun her around. One of her arms wrapped around Kafka pinning her arms to her side, preventing her from pulling her own weapons out, while her other hand pulled a knife from god knows where. The sharp edge of the blade was cool against Kafka's neck. Stelle raised her voice. “Let me go, or else your very talented espionage specialist is going to bleed out in the gutter.”
The IPC goons froze, Topaz didn't. She pulled out her own gun and immediately shot Stelle in the shoulder. Kafka felt the impact. Blood splashed onto her face, hot against the cold rain. Stelle stumbled backwards and Kafka got clear.
Topaz stepped forward and fired again, this time hitting Stelle in the chest. Stelle fell to her knees and Topaz took one final step, leveling her gun at the Mafia daughter's heart. “Sorry things turned out like this, kid.”
And then Topaz shot Stelle one last time and walked back to her car. Kafka watched the younger woman fall back, dark red blood mixing with the flowing water on the street. Stelle’s eyes were half closed when they met hers, their usual vibrant golden hue now a dark yellow as the light was leaving them. “Why do you… look so… sc…”
Stelle’s final words were cut short as her body went limp and all life left her.
“Are you coming?” Topaz called from the car. When Kafka didn't respond, Topaz sighed dramatically enough to be heard over the rain at a distance. “I'll send a car when you call for one.”
Following their project manager, all the other goons got into their cars and drove off into the rainy night.
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Sparkle heard the gunshots before she made it to the mouth of the alleyway. Her arms and knees burned and bled from the falls she had taken running away from her guard, but she kept running until she burst out into the open. Kafka was standing there, and Stelle was lying in the street with her blood washing away down the gutter. Sparkle dove for Stelle, scraping her knees all over again on the wet asphalt as Kafka stared dumbly. 
“Hey, grey hair! Get up, we have to go!” Holding Stelle, she felt how warm she still was. There was a hole in her shoulder and two in her chest and yet she was still so warm that Sparkle could have lied to herself that Stelle was faking, that they were about to go home, maybe climb into a bath because they were so wet and cold. Then they would curl up together in warm pajamas and blankets to watch one of Stelle’s old movies, because Sparkle chose the restaurant, which wouldn’t have subtitles and Stelle would translate every line of dialogue with an exaggerated Italian accent, and would probably throw some fakes in there to fuck with her.
That’s what was going to happen. That was the plan for the night. “Anata… Stelle… please…”
Kafka just stood there in the rain, silent but for the sound of her breathing. Stelle’s lips were stained pink with the remnants of Kafka’s lipstick. Sparkle brought her forehead to Stelle’s, and when she came away she too had the same pink-stained lips. Kafka cleared her throat, and Sparkle saw it then. The traces of emotions not known to Kafka but written on every inch of her face.
“What are you scared of, I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Scared?” The “spider woman” as Sparkle had called her what felt like ages ago now had a dawning light in her eyes. “Oh. That’s what this feeling is.”
It started as a chuckle, then a bark. Then Sparkle laughed despite herself. She laughed and she laughed and she laughed and laughed until her voice was hoarse and the tears were streaming down her face. She held Stelle’s cooling body close. 
“I was ready to give her to you. Wasn’t that enough? Her love, her adoration, all of that was yours to have freely. So why did you have to take her life? The one thing she had to give me, the one thing that was mine and mine alone.”
When Kafka didn’t speak, Sparkle couldn’t help but fall into another grief-stricken laughing fit. “I’m sorry.” Kafka finally said.
Through her laughter, Sparkle managed to get her handbag open and find what she was looking for. She pulled out her snub-nosed revolver, and Kafka quickly pulled her own guns on Sparkle. She laughed again. “Relax, this isn’t for you.”
Sparkle loaded a singular bullet into the cylinder. “I told her I’d follow her anywhere she went no matter what. As a mob wife it’s only right, after all.” And with that simple proclamation, before Kafka could do anything, Sparkle put the gun under her jaw. “I’ll tell her you said hello when I get to hell.”
She squeezed the trigger.
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And Kafka was left alone with two dead bodies in the rain.
She stayed like that for god knows how long, watching as the blood from the dead women mixed with the rainwater, separate blood trails joining as one as they meandered their way into the gutter and towards the storm drains. Maybe that’s all hell was, the storm drains where your blood finally mingled with those you couldn’t have.
Maybe that was the thought that finally broke her. Kafka pulled out her phone, dialing Silver Wolf’s newest phone number without having much conscious thought at all.
“You’re going to catch a cold if you don’t find an umbrella or something.” a sardonic voice said without preamble. 
Of course Silver Wolf was watching somehow. She had once bragged to Kafka how even though she rarely stepped outside for anything other than moving safe houses, she’d been to more places in the world than Kafka, Blade, and Firefly combined. “Do you want me to tip someone off to come get their bodies?”
“Are you done making the exit plan file?”
“You mean the one that’s a threat that guarantees us our safety from the IPC after this job so they don’t treat us like loose ends to clean up? Yes I’m done making it, I was done making it like a week after we took this job. If anything, I’ve just been tweaking it as I find more and more dirt on them. At this point it’s more of a hydrogen bomb than it is an exit plan.” Silver Wolf’s dry, sarcastic tone faded as warriness crept in and took its place. “Why?”
“I just…” Kafka didn’t know why she was about to do this, but somehow it was the only path she could see out. She felt sick to her stomach, she was hyperventilating, and in all likelihood this new emotion of hers was sending her into shock. “Give it to her brother, tell him I'm sorry. She wasn't supposed to die, none of them were. They're all more useful to the IPC alive than they are dead, and yet…”
The pause on the other end of the line seemed to last forever, until finally, “Are you really sure you want to do this? It might fuck us all.”
When Kafka didn’t respond, Silver Wolf sighed.
“I’ll send it. Depending on what happens I might not talk to everyone for a while, I'll contact you when it's safe again.” The line went dead, and Kafka knew that whatever she had done couldn’t be walked back any longer.
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The first thing Caelus had done when they pulled up was to swipe his credit card at the gas pump, the second was to pull the nozzle from its nest, and the third was to grab his lighter. Firefly appreciated that her childhood friend turned situationship’s first instinct was to improvise a flame thrower when out of better options. 
She hadn’t removed her helmet yet, as she didn’t want to make things any more awkward or uncomfortable than they were already going to be. Once they took Caelus in she’d ask for some private time with him, explain that, while yes she was in fact part of a group that came to covertly extract information from them, she hadn’t realized that he or Stelle had known what it was their parents did for a living. 
Regardless, the original plan was that she and her friends were going to ensure that nothing bad happened to either of them while they were in IPC custody. They’d be taken to safe houses far, far away from here once the whole destabilizing a crime empire business was finished.
If she played her cards right, she might even come out of this whole situation with her childhood friends having a positive opinion of her. As long as neither of them were harmed in the whole affair, she was reasonably sure she stood a chance.
“Why don't you put the gas hose back where it belongs, and I'll promise neither you nor your sister will be hurt.” Jade said after a moment.
“Ah man, you guys are after her too? What guarantees do I have that you'll keep your word?” Caelus was clearly eyeing all the IPC mooks and probably doing his own risk assessment. 
“I never break my word.” Jade looked at Firefly and smiled. “But if it makes you feel any better, I can have my team draft up a contract and my driver here will bring it over to you.”
Firefly silently nodded. Caelus looked back and forth between the two. He finally sighed, resignation clear in his voice. “Alright, send them over.”
It only took Jade a couple minutes to prepare everything on a tablet before she sent Firefly over with it. Firefly handed it to Caelus who quickly read through it. When he was done he handed it back to Firefly.
“I still have some concerns, such as what will be our accommodations, a guarantee for the safety of our parents…” he clearly thought about something and laughed. “And a nearby toilet for me, morning sickness is a bitch.”
“What??” The word slipped before Firefly could stop it, and Caelus's head whipped towards her.
“No fucking way.” His gaze pierced her helmet, made her feel naked, exposed, and unbelievably guilty. “Please tell me that's not you, Firefly.” 
Firefly stayed frozen as his fingers gently slipped under her helmet and pulled it from her head. Her hair cascaded down around her face in a way that would have been attractive if not for the fact that Caelus wore a look of betrayal as intense as her own look of guilt. She could barely get out her choked response “Sorry.”
“Don't be too hard on her.” Jade’s voice seeped in like a sweet poison in the rain. “The IPC owns her artificial heart, and we’re the only ones who can maintain it. No other company or back alley doctor, no matter how skilled, could manage it. That's how we designed it after all.”
Before Caelus could do or say anything else, his phone chimed. He looked at Jade. “Surely you won't have me shot for checking my texts, right?”
“By all means, feel free.”
Caelus pulled it out, eyes scanning the screen. He paused, as if he was unsure what he was looking at. Then Firefly watched the light in his golden eyes go dark, any tension or defiance in his body deflated. 
In one second he went from being ready to take on the entire world to looking dead inside. He typed something on his phone before he dropped it onto the wet concrete, and with barely a pause he stomped on it again and again and again. 
Firefly, the IPC goons, and even Jade were taken aback by the ferocity Caelus used to destroy the phone. Light had returned to his eyes, but it wasn't anything resembling life. It was just white hot fury and hatred. He was panting by the time he was finished and his voice came out a snarl. “My sister, my other half, the best parts of me, is fucking dead.”
Firefly's heart dropped into her stomach. No, it wasn't supposed to be like this. The two of them were supposed to be safe. They weren't supposed to get hurt. If anything happened to either of them, her world may as well end. She couldn't bring herself to say anything, she could only stare at Caelus's face, once identical to Stelle's, twisted by rage to the point where he was almost unrecognizable.
“That… wasn't supposed to happen.”  Jade finally said.
That withering gaze slowly turned towards Firefly. She had to say something, anything. “I just wanted to protect both of you.” She managed to choke out.
“You sure did a great fucking job.” Caelus had a humorless bark of laughter. “Honestly if I knew this was going to be the end result, I wouldn't have asked Nanook to pay for your treatment when we were kids.”
She looked into his eyes, and there was no love, no tenderness for Firefly in Caelus's gaze. Only all consuming hatred. “I wish you had fucking died in that hospital.”
One of the IPC goons’ phones dinged, then another, and another after that. Then Jade’s rang and it was a never ending torrent of notifications. Some of the goons looked and their faces suddenly filled with shock and horror. Jade looked at her own notifications and her face crystalized cold anger. “Should I assume you're responsible for this?”
“Is it about a streamer leaking all the IPC’s dirty secrets? I'm glad Guinaifen already put it to good use.” Caelus now wore a grin with zero mirth.
“She's associated with the jituans if memory serves.” Jade’s own gentle, calculating smile was gone. “Firefly, come here.”
“Enjoy your board meeting tomorrow.” Caelus taunted.
Not even bothering to respond, Jade turned towards the car as soon as Firefly was by her side. “Shoot him.” 
Firefly whipped around but the IPC forces had already opened fire. The bullets rocked Caelus, riddling his body full of holes, but as he fell he looked almost at peace. He was joining his other half.
“Firefly, please return me to Pier Point. I'll have to make preparations to speak to the board.” Firefly was numb. Everything was too much, and all she could do through shock was to open the car’s door for Jade. “If that pregnancy was due to your own involvement with him, I do sincerely apologize.”
Later, Firefly would realize she couldn't recall ever driving Jade back to Pier Point. She couldn't recall much of the following days either.
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When Aventurine and his team finally managed to breach the grounds of Nanook and Akivili's mansion, they had already donned full gas masks due to the “metric fuck ton,” as he would put it, of tear gas deployed against them. Due to that, none of the team noticed the fact that the manor absolute reeked of kerosene fumes.
There was a loud clack of a flip phone being shut violently from what Aventurine surmised was a sitting room when he turned towards it to see Akivili and Nanook sitting in high backed chairs on either end of an unlit fireplace staring directly at him. “Just the two I was hoping to speak to.”
“If you're here, should we assume that the rest of our people are dead?” Nanook asked.
“You Annihilation Gang folks can sure put up a hell of a fight, especially that Celenova.” It was true, Aventurine had lost about seventy percent of his forces just getting to the mansion. “Those we could take alive we did, but that wasn't many of them.”
“That's a shame, I really admired her.” Akivili sighed, slouching over in their chair as they pulled out an old lighter to fiddle with.  
Nanook looked at them with a raised eyebrow. “You hated the way she did things.”
“That doesn't mean I didn't admire her determination.” Akivili responded simply. 
“Regardless of the tragic circumstances of our meeting, all I was hoping for was to talk to you about a real estate proposal.” Aventurine held up his hand, leaving his forces in the foyer as he entered the sitting room alone. “I do deeply regret it took all this to get to this point.”
Akivili looked at him incredulously. “You did all this… to build a mall on our turf?”
“Not a mall per se, but we do have quite a vested interest in the area.” Aventurine smiled, now standing before the two of them. “Assuming we can come to an agreement, all of this unsavory business can come to an end this instant.”
Akivili and Nanook looked at each other and sighed. Nanook turned their gaze to Aventurine, staring into his soul. “Tell me boy, do you have any children of your own?”
“Can't say that's my thing, no.”
“It was difficult for us to bring them into this world to begin with, and even then the pregnancy was riddled with complications.” Akivili looked like they would have put a hand on their spouse’s shoulder while Nanook told the story if they could reach them. “Near the end, the three of us barely held on.”
“I admire your perseverance.” Aventurine said honestly.
“Those two are our everything, our twin stars for whom we have built this entire empire to eventually gift to them.” Akivili said, turning their dull gaze to Aventurine as well.
Nanook took a deep breath in and out as if they were about to reveal the secrets of the world. “And now those stars have been extinguished at the hands of your corporation.”
Oh. Well fuck, that wasn't the plan at all. Aventurine wanted to say something to try and get the odds of the situation even slightly in his favor but Akivili spoke before he could.
“Now that our little stars have gone out, we might as well let this entire empire burn and hope the ashes choke everyone responsible to death.”
The two crime lords clasped hands across the fireplace. Akivili struck the flint wheel of the lighter and dropped it, the flame igniting the very air around it as it fell. It struck the ground, the fire spreading so fast Aventurine didn't even have time to process what was happening. When the flames found the collections of explosives Nanook had set around the house, the concussive force ripped through every last IPC member until no one was left to witness the mansion becoming a fireball climbing towards the heavens, a funeral pyre memorializing the twin stars Nanook and Akivili would have given everything for.
At last, the awful night came to an end.
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The following weeks were consequences and fallout on all sides of the conflict. Thanks to Caelus’s choice to send all the dirt Silver Wolf had given him to a streamer affiliated with one of the Xianzhou jituans, the story had been spun that their family had been embroiled in a real estate scheme managed by an IPC affiliated company. 
Many people correctly inferred it was a shell corporation and that there was more involved than that, but the majority of people only knew the narrative the Xianzhou was selling. A couple of art dealers who had come from nothing and were heavily involved in philanthropy and giving back to their communities had died in a house fire and their children had been shot all on the same night, all because the IPC wanted the real estate of the community they supported. 
They had died as heroes and shining examples of how good people could be, not as the horrifying crime lords they actually were.
Silver Wolf paid the price for supplying that dirt, though. Despite being at one of her many safehouses, they lost contact within a few days and she was found having apparently committed suicide. 
The Loufu group, despite only being involved in the political and financial worlds, had their own ways of dealing with things. They had apparently lost patience with their former member Blade the night that the fiance of one of the young scions of the clan died. So Blade vanished, and Kafka couldn’t find any trace. 
IPC stock had fallen significantly, sinking 35% in a single week. Several subsidiary companies went out of business all at once, including some supermarkets that had pushed all local competition out of the space. Their shareholders tried to replace Diamond as CEO, but for whatever reason the push for that ended the next day. 
Due to Kafka and Firefly’s potential involvement with the whole situation, Kafka had expected them to need to go underground. Much to her surprise though, whether out of recognition for their contributions or in an effort to keep them on a leash, the two of them had been offered jobs with the company. 
Firefly was offered the position of being the Board of Directors’ personal driver, a job she was guaranteed to excel in. After a long deliberation, she agreed to the position when lifetime maintenance and support for her artificial heart was included in the benefits package. 
As for Kafka, after a long and grueling session of questioning as to why immediately prior to Silver Wolf giving Caelus a nuclear warhead of scandal material she had called the woman, she was offered the chance to be a head of one of their new departments focused on “market research”. It was really just more corporate espionage and Kafka knew it. 
She rejected the offer and went into hiding, not wanting to be included in any last minute loose end trimming that the IPC may have felt it needed to perform so they could focus on stock recovery. 
Kafka would eventually go on to write a tell-all autobiography about her experiences with the espionage, the charming mafia princess, and the personal tragedies of the characters in the halcyon days before the IPC had completely consumed the city. She lived in a little cottage in the forest where no one could ever bother her unless she wanted them to, and that’s where she spent the rest of her days. She knew fear, she had known and lost love, and now she was learning to make peace with her soul.
And that was really all she could do after everything. 
They had finished the job.
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chaos-of-the-abyss · 3 days ago
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Do you like Silvergifting more than Angbang?
i meannnn yes. in my experience angbang flattens both sauron and melkor into, for lack of a better word, simps; either one-sidedly as in "sauron is motivated by his unrequited adoration and reverence for melkor and does everything for his sake while melkor thinks of him in mostly professional terms" / "melkor dotes on sauron and showers him with favor and titles while sauron who's just trying to do his job exasperatedly puts up with the attention", or mutually as in "they're both unwaveringly in love with and have eyes only for each other" -- and for me personally all versions of both characters under that iteration inevitably end up being a snoozefest. this isn't angbang-specific either -- any ship that reduces sauron or melkor to the "helpless idiot in love" type (e.g. melkor/feanor, wherein melkor is portrayed as hopelessly enamored with feanor; do not care for that ship either) is a ship that i'll probably immediately write off. it's just not something i'm interested in seeing for either sauron or melkor, and i think there are far better ways to portray them that actually maintain the aspects of what we see of them in the text
aside from that though silvergifting is just much more my speed. i love romantic betrayal, i love it when partners genuinely care about each other but care about the world they believe in more. and i loveeeeeee when the partner who obviously was the one commit the betrayal is also the partner who hypocritically has the worse crashout by far about the breakup. and sauron deliberately stringing up celebrimbor's mutilated body as a banner? a violent tantrum of grief at celebrimbor's death and frustration that he's been thwarted and betrayal that celebrimbor wouldn't side with him when they could have made the world so much better together?? mwah. of course it doesn't necessarily have to be read that way -- you can chalk it up to just general anger that celebrimbor wouldn't spill the location of the three, or a pragmatic move to cripple morale in his opposition -- but how am i supposed to not read it as sauron impotently lashing out and futilely trying to soothe his rage and resentment at how celebrimbor chose everyone else over him? this cosmic demiurgic being who predates time pitching a fit over a relationship that he ruined, and probably not even quite understanding why he's so upset in the first place? love that kind of shit
so yeah, silvergifting >>> angbang for me, for multiple reasons. though oddly enough i enjoy angbang if you throw gothmog in and make it a polycule... his being there makes me picture the dynamic between the characters differently, for some reason
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hcgossips · 1 day ago
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The Illusion Over The Truth
Henry Cavill is a product created as of a bunch of narratives that were not  completely faithful to the truth. In Cavill’s case, the truth was always distorted to fit the ideal persona. But, it had been carefully done. Up to now. Everything about this guy is promotionally, previously and strategically  considered, intended and planned to, then, be released and/or performed.
He is the Rock Hudson of our generation and this comment is not necessarily, related to his sexual orientation. Check How Hudson started in the Industry. He was a naïve, redneck, an ingenuous guy when he started in Hollywood, and, later, trained by the Industry to become a sex symbol and an actor, for he was profitable, because of his physique de role.
He had no natural talent for acting, was  gangly, gawky and had to go through classes to learn how to behave as a self-confident actor and to deceive, because he was a pretty face and a huge impressive man seen as potentially profitable to the Industry. And, he was also gay.
Cavill isn’t naturally, self-confident, but stages, as in his scripted speeches interviews and in his recent pleasure, happiness  and pride for being Viscuso’s man. Do I doubt he could be sexually involved with her? Hell, no! She’s a h**ker from Mayhem, a site he probably uses regularly (if not totally gay), and he’s probably a single bi who hides his true Character and personality. Of course, he could have limped the biscuits! And he wants us to think he did so this fallacy circus works.
Yes, I believe Cavill is at least, bi and a very different guy from the man he portrays. He’s gorgeous, sexy, very attractive. But, a man is more than good looks. My impression is he’s always holding his real personality back - maybe staging to Hollywood to avoid being harassed often by people in the industry -, and that he’s stubborn and a mewling brat, kind of immature, methodical, perfectionist, disciplined when focused and a man who actually gives a fuck when it comes to relationships and women.
His cabinets in the kitchen can be organized putting cans in order by validation dates, in which the most recent ones go in the back. His suits and shirts in his closet are probably organized by colors and no one can mess with that. When things don’t happen the way he wants, he gets frustrated. If not, his house is a chaos. He’s extremely vain and worried with his image and with how people see him. So, everything has to look perfect. And, he stages a lot to sell the image he thinks people expect from him.
He actually seems to despise women, promoting them as escorts, gold-diggers, futile and pitiful unknowns after fame and spotlights that only HE can provide. Women are actually, steps so he can be the king of the hill, which are later, ruled out when he has enough publicity until his next big movie. He doesn’t commit, not to women nor to anything that demands a certain emotional involvement or exposure.
So, how can a guy like that accept going on a PR with that type of woman and promote himself committing to lies that will contradict his image and will easily be discredited, exposing him as a fraud?
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basu-shokikita · 11 days ago
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i know posting fic can be discouraging with how little feedback you get these days, especially in smaller fandoms, but it's so wild to me seeing writers have meltdowns where they threaten not to write/post fic ever again because they're not getting enough comments.
like if you never want to post for a fandom again due to a lack of comments then that is literally your loss first and foremost because you made attention your primary goal when posting your creations. you already forgot what the whole point is.
if you're butthurt it's 'only' your friends paying attention to your fic then you're completely lost. the point of fandom is connecting through creation. why the fuck are you prioritizing the idea of an audience of strangers when the people that love you and met you through fandom are loving what you make?
it's fine and it's more than okay to be disappointed that something you put so much effort on didn't get the reception you hoped. it's understandable to want praise from people that aren't already attached to you. but when you let this absence become central in your fandom existence you're forgetting something.
we're not sharing our creations to become fandom influencers or clout chasers, we're sharing them because we can't help it, because we simply want to summon our ideas into existence. and if other people enjoy that, then that's honestly awesome. if not then, well that's too bad but we still wanted it out there.
just the fact that you posted it is already worth celebrating! a lot of people never gather enough courage to share their creations publicly. god knows for the longest time i didn't. so you should be proud for taking that step. and you should be happy with yourself without needing others to validate that.
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sweet-milky-tea705 · 5 days ago
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Augh. I should go buy groceries. But buying groceries requires buying. And i cannot keep spending money good god
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srirachafilledbees · 3 months ago
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Rereading 17776 and at the part where I start crying
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heart-bones · 5 months ago
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forcing myself out of the apartment so I don't spend the entire weekend spiraling and trying not to cry on the couch
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verflares · 1 year ago
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i feel like i could write an entire mini-essay thing on why draconification rules as a narrative thingy + why it, the dragons and the thematic of immortality/undeath are so relevant and impactful towards botw/totks characters and themes as a whole. like i WONT because it really is just text thats already there. but i could .
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springcatalyst · 7 months ago
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thinking oc thoughts. everything comes back to milo being a storyteller
#AUCH I LOVE HIM#just vaguely kind of worldbuilding about fauns and their gods#and im real specific about how they do things but what im doing now is i think they have these like#annual celebrations of certain ones in which they have some Story play out#in a very theatrical/dancelike qay#way**. its not a Dance but its not NOT a dance. u understand#but the story being told is more like a play but its also worldless and also theres a visual element of some kind#bcause in almost everything they do they Paint. theyve got the center of town that is paved in limestone purely so they can paint it#during things like festivals and weddings#and so theyve got this dance play performance art Thing they do every year as a method of storytelling#in which usually multiple people embody a god and enact the story#and surprisingly enough i was NOT making this with milo in mind but then. well baby#no way he WOULDNT have done this. he is a storyteller at heart#BUT then im thinking. who???#the big one is the sun but hes not a ewe so he couldnt do that. natakala wouldnt celebrate the moons so they arent an option#the mountain is a wether and theyre the other big one#the rest are more minor... natakala isnt close enough to the sea to really celebrate them and either way the sea is once again a wether#the rivers a ewe. the ONLY one he could play would be the storm. which they MAY celebrate but ultimately#hes just not as major as the sun moons or mountain#BUT. i think milo could definitely connect with something there. i havent developed the story of the storm quite as much but#something in the labile nature of it and the ruin and the almost futility and cyclical nature of it. i think he could feel that#without really acknowledging why#OUGH. i am IN love with him if u didnt know#i have by FAR the most lore and worldbuilding stuff for fauns out of any species and its because theyre FASCINATING#and so specific. and also because i get real weird with it to make milo the way he is#nightlings have a good amount of physiological stuff but ultimately that doesnt come thru much in the actual story cause.#why would it. its all just background information#but fauns culture is so rich and theres still So Much More i need finish fleshing out. but I Love It#im juust starting to get there with nightlings#humans are hobbling somewhere behind and i got like Nothin on ipotanes or satyrs or merfolk. its kind of tragic but. alas
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jewishcissiekj · 1 year ago
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SELYTRA TARRRRRTFDTDFXDGHDFGHXS
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
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transvisions · 2 years ago
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beezebelb and gabriel going off to alpha centuri because crowley said they should is so funny. like you just gave the honeymoon plans you booked years in advance to your ex boss and your partners weird colleague that you hate. and you did this even before your own proposal flopped
#like did you let them have it because you want to stay on earth? with aziraphale? running away no longer the ideal?#you two can have it we’ll find someplace else to settle#a place where aziraphale can keep the bookshop and the food and the humans he likes and you can keep the car and be with him#and perhaps one day you’ll drive to the countryside and find yourselves a cottage#really hasnt it always been about preserving what aziraphale loves?#after all you always have what you love so long as you’re with him#doesnt really matter to you what happens to the earth. just that you can stay as you are and for aziraphale to keep the things he loves#and after everything you’ve done to preserve these things. the bookshop. the earth and its people. his goodness and morality.#out of love and devotion to your one person. to keep what you two have for eternity. for aziraphale never to be unhappy or without you#as you cannot be without him#when he says nothing lasts forever it all becomes meaningless doesn’t it?#these acts unappreciated. everything you’ve built together torn down. the struggle to keep such a relationship alive become futile#subverting war between your opposing kinds and thwarting the apocalypse so you two can stay together and not be parted?#well actually all you've done to protect the earth and what it represents. to reject the woes of heaven/hell. its all been for naught.#all you’ve done for love didn’t matter. didn’t make a difference.#even the bookshop will cease. something you thought would keep aziraphale there — with you — when you alone aren't enough to make him stay.#what was once ‘my own side’ had become ‘our side’ and now it’s just you once more#what is left for just you when you’ve built everything around being an ‘us’. always just ‘us’#even if earth burned and everything aziraphale loved went to waste - there could still be 'us'#off to alpha centuri where you’d only have eachother#that would be enough for you wouldn’t it?#even though it wouldn’t last#you both hold onto naive hopes#running away together would solve everything. one kiss would solve everything#so you must’ve been saying to yourself: whats the point of saving whats doomed to fail?#whats the point of loving when nothing lasts forever#gomens#qzth
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i am ill over new lmanburg
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neverendingford · 17 days ago
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um not like to freak you out or anything at this hour of the night but i think about things a lot and im a bit high so im sorry if its alittle incoherent
"how much is false and how much is just animal instinct" i think all of its "animal instinct" at its core, and i guess the truthiness of it depends on what you classify as true or false.
i think morality is just a social construct to help groups cooperate and survive, same with the tendency to assimilate and fall into categories. and really there's nothing inherently wrong with constructs, theyre just our animal instincts. it's okay to fall into them i think. they are quite handy and like you said you can make your own. i think the emphasis should be more on being aware of them than breaking free of them. you're only human, i think. scritching your chin
and with entropy and meaning and all that. i think its so easy to get lost in the big picture. we don't last long in the grand scheme of things and we dont really have an inbuilt purpose besides existing. you can make your own purpose(s) if you want. but like just on its own you exist and thats pretty cool. you're the only one that will get to live your life. you will get to experience emotions and get a peak into the wide breadth of things that exist. i think all that's pretty awesome and reason enough to be alive. it's really grounding (for me at least) to just remember how cool and rare it is for me to exist and get to experience so many things.
Shit.. yeah you're right it's all animal instinct huh. outside of conspiracy shit like aliens and divine revelation, everything we're working with is stuff we've developed ourselves (and like.. our interactions with other animals on the planet). it's a very "Hypocrite that you are, for you trust the chemicals in your brain to tell you they are chemicals." situation. all that we are is derived from our existence.
guess I was too baked into the false dichotomy of mind/body, where really it's all just body and extrapolations from it.
I think that's actually a pretty relaxing thought though. it absolves any existential duty to some sort of "higher cause" and simply lets me exist in a neutral state.
yeahh, it's so easy to lose myself in the big picture. like when people see pictures of space and get scared because they're so small in comparison. the urge to find an answer to all my questions right now. it's both comforting and frustrating to know that people have been doing this for as long as we can remember. digging deeper and deeper hoping to find hell. building higher and higher hoping to find heaven. and all that's left is the things we've built. monuments to nothing else but our own efforts to make sense of things.
data is neutral until it gets interpreted, right? knowing that I'm small in comparison to other things isn't anything until I feel something about it. whether I feel scared and hopeless in the face of the enormity, or if I feel excited because of the chance I get to live whatever short tiny life I have. it's all still a framework I've constructed around the information. it's all input -> processing -> output. and that's infuriating because recognizing that you're interpreting data skews that interpretation. that thing where quantum particles are disturbed by the very act of observation. being self aware enough to be resistant to common therapy approaches. recognizing the mechanism fucks with the mechanism.
#ask color#I can't shake the suspicion I'm being positively reinforced here.#oh well. I'm not going to be complaining about it#I'm sitting here agonizing over how much to use the personal “I” and how much to stick with the inclusive “we” and hypothetical “you”#I don't want to center the conversation around myself but I also don't want to generalize and extrapolate so far that it#so far that it becomes hypothetical nonsense. surely there's a balance in here somewhere right?#I'm going to do what I always do and just convert almost everything into passive voice. that's a healthy coping mechanism I think /s#anyway. I try not to scream COPIUM at everything because that's not constructive dialogue#but it does kinda feel futile when we end up doubting the very structure through which we interrogate reality.#but I'm not about to let myself go down the philosophy hole too deep. that's how you get to “do I even know that I even exist?” stuff.#that's when you gotta step back and stop hunting perfection and simply try for functional. if it works it's good enough. half-ass that shit#I guess the mind/body thing is less a separation of parts and more a hierarchy of priority maybe? like#hierarchy of needs sorta shit. what is an innate immediate need and what's a resulting construct?#food and nutrition is a need but cultural recipes and cuisine are a construction based on taste and ingredient availability#community is a social need. but things like public education and social services are constructed out of that need.#simple causes driving the fabrication of complex mechanisms. like how everything boils down to physics.#chemical reactions are just electrons pushed by electromagnetism. wheels upon wheels.#idk. my antidepressants make me worry about this less but how much is that just once again altering how I process the input data?
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andtheirmoonlight · 3 months ago
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‘I'm so sorry for what happened to you!’ says a part of what happened to me.
‘I'm so sorry for what those people did to you!’ — you’re not ‘those people’, you are you, and you're doing the ‘what’ right now.
‘Omg people can be so horrible!’ — yes, you can be, and so lacking in self-awareness.
When you were trained to think of everything in black and white, you start seeing yourself as a ‘good person’ and start believing that everything you as a ‘good person’ do or have the potential to do is always good, and that you are never the villain. But humans do not work that way.
#atmposts#tbh by this point I think I deserve a medal for every instance of me being polite#and keeping my composure with them.#they never ever see/realize. they are surrounded by so many cameras that they lost the capacity to look into a mirror. much less inside.#This particular one was a double BINGO!#thinking that 'personal' only ever pertains to 'romantic relationships' and sex acts — check#the casual mentioning of imaginary lovers in order to 'impress' because to them everything is about social comparison — check#“Buddy's only crime was thinking we are cool!!!” XD — check. “Maybe a bit less sugar next time.” — check. Untreated — check.#capitalistic self-deprecation paired with 'here's how I could get better but I'm not self-aware enough to notice my own words' — check#BINGING a subtext-heavy reference-heavy source and never getting Curious — check.#astonished that visceral non-posturing art felt gripping and was a gut punch when all she usually “reads”(consumes) is slop content — check#believing that I would be flattered when what I actually got was a ruined day and more existential horror — check#rushing to note that there's nothing wrong with slop content while not understanding the source of that teensy aching guilt — check#me knowing for certain that it's another one of the 'you inspired me! (to do a shitty facsimile)' hallucinator of 'wriTeR spAceS' — check#FOMO-begging for something private when the public goodie “the same but in x3 better English” is right there — check#saying “I don't read” to [a professional who suffered burnout and subsequent suicidality because people don't read] — check#zero media literacy and zero desire to learn and zero understanding of how depressing that is — check#commodification of a human — MEGA CHECK-A-ROO-NIE WOOOOO!#me feeling despair and wanting to die upon reading — check. If I was alone I'd be long dead tbh time to face it.#This was another instance of me being “so polite it scares me” and wishing I was an ape and not self-conscious#well at least I've learned to be polite to these walking despair-inducers? right?#and pointedly say the right things to each so they wouldn't bother me again? right?#even though a lot of these things aren't what I actually want to say? ... siiiiiiiigh#Maybe I should give up and stop hoping that another friend would ever come along#and then just fully crawl into a desk drawer so to speak.#Recently a new friend did come along so I guess I need to try and hold on to that#but it's so damn hard and is starting to feel futile.
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maverickflare · 4 months ago
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some of my opinions abt saix/isa have changed over time but the one thing that has remained constant in how ive interpreted him as a character comes mostly from the 358 days novel/manga where he exhibits frustration that people are giving xion too much personhood for "no real reason" which like okay let us unpack why you feel that everyone around you needs a good enough reason to stake a claim on their own identity and personhood and how this might be connected to the way you lash out at someone close to you defending the identity of someone else.
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