#writing this at 00.00 am and posting without editting we're dangerous like that

[bambisnc]

he could imagine falling for her. especially when he breaks away, forces himself to break away from her, just for a second, he couldn't bear to stay away from her touch for more than that; for the fear that this moment would end when he knows, he knows, that she would never walk away. that's his thing after all.

he sees the moon, the world, the universe in her eyes - drooping slightly as if she's tired and who could blame her? a light, barely there sheen of sweat and the huffs that sound as she struggles to catch her breath. how can he not chase after those now bitten lips as they sound out his name, her hands clutching his as if she's unsure of if she should push him away; she should, she really should, if she wants to be able to save, to protect what's left of her but she won't, they both know she won't, she could never. and even if she were to have any such thoughts he'd pull her right back in, brushing his lips to hers before it escalates. and it always, always escalates.

and when after a long day, he sees her name in his notifications he can't help but want to stay with her forever and ever. she deserves more, so, so much more, he knows that but the thought of giving her up pains him. so once again, his mind occupied with thoughts of her, and only her; it was always, always her, he finds the strength to carry on and face the world.

but of course, when he finds himself at the mercy of her tears, her sobs, her trembling figure and her broken voice he can't help but stay still. he should comfort her, he knows that he should wrap his arms around her, whisper soft comforts and promises into her hair, and never, never let her leave his embrace, but he can't. he’s dazed, stuck in a stupor. he almost laughs at the bitter, bitter irony of the whole situation.

to keep her safe he knew, he knew he had to leave her. stay as fucking far as possible so that she could heal, in peace, away from him and his self destructive endeavors that somehow always ended up tainting, hurting, damaging her.

and that's why, without fail, without a single exception, he finds himself leaving her. shattered, on the ground.

but then again, he always, always, always finds himself coming back. how could he not after all? she's always so warm, so inviting even when he knows, he knows, goddamn it he knows how much agony and suffering her heart must hold against him and his perpetual habit of reeling her in and after a whirlwind couple of days, detaching himself completely. breaking her over and over till there'd be nothing left at all. maybe that's what he wants then? subconsciously? to have her so utterly crushed that he be the only one who could ever piece her back.

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