#wylan reconnecting with emotions

[shit-people-probably-didnt-say]

Wylan: *Staring off into space*

Jesper: …Wy? You alright there?

Wylan: I am being visited by an emotion

Jesper:

Wylan: I dont know what it means

Jesper:

Wylan: But I would appreciate it departing at its earliest opportunity

[nerdlingmerchling]

Jesper and Dima : a Wesper Essay

I feel like we, as a Fandom, don't speak enough about that scene. Perhaps, it's because we know that Wesper is end-game and we can't see Jesper with anyone else than Wylan. Also, we might think that the purpose of that scene is only to establish Jesper as a queer character, and as a "player" who lives in the moment and has a string of anonymous hookups. HOWEVER, I'll argue that this scene has, in fact, everything to do with Wesper and reveals a lot more about Jesper as a character, about his aspirations, than we might give it credit for.

First of all, for what's supposed to be the aftermath of a "meaningless" quickie between strangers, this scene is incredibly tender. Jesper is being so earnest and gentle; in the way he speaks ; the way he kisses Dima goodbye, the way he touches his face, like he wants to imprint it in his memory. There's real emotion there ; real care, however fleeting.

But the true impact of that scene is in the way Jesper looks at Dima (props to Kit's acting there. We love you, Kit). There is so much longing in Jesper's eyes: it's plain to see, and almost painful to watch. He's probably not longing for Dima himself ; they haven't known each other long enough, but he's longing for a meaningful connection, something of lasting substance ; for companionship...for love. Jesper knows and understands that this wasn't meant to be (he says so himself). And yet, there's grief in the way he watches Dima leave. Why? BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAPPENS TO HIM.

It's not the first time Jesper has a lover walk out on him. For him, watching Dima go is exactly like waking up alone after his first night with Wylan : it's the rejection and the sudden severing of a bond that barely had time to form. I'm going to quote my friend Ras :"Jesper is having war flashbacks" and yes, that's exactly what this is. Maybe he's not specifically thinking about Wylan in that instant, but that kind of hurt and disappointment is still a familiar feeling to him.

Yes, of course, Jesper is a flirt. Yes, of course he loves sex. And there's something enjoyable, exciting, and thrilling for him when he engages in impromptu sexual encounters with strangers, but Jesper is also someone who's deeply insecure and in constant need of validation. When his lovers walk out on him, he can't help but feel unlovable: good enough for a shag, but not good enough to keep around. What he truly wants is for someone to care about him: truly, deeply, meaningfully. But it's easier for his self-esteem to jump from one hook up to the next, because at the end of the day, he can tell himself he chose this lifestyle. When Wylan reminds him of his "reputation", saying "I thought someone like you wouldn't want anything more ", Jesper doesn't contradict him, but he's still stung by those words. Jesper is a player who doesn't really want to be one. At his core, this is not him. It's just a self-defense mechanism.

I feel like his brief time with Dima was sort of a tipping point for Jesper. He had no choice but to acknowledge the longing and the need for something more.

And then there's Wylan. To be able to reconnect with a past lover was an unexpected second chance for Jesper ; a wink from Lady Luck. He wasn't going to give up so easily this time.

In other words, Jesper/Dima walked so Jesper/Wylan could run. So I'm grateful for that scene in season one, which might seem inconsequential and gratuitous at first glance, but truly isn't.

Thanks for your attention.

[kaz-of-ketterdamn]

Seven Devils (In My Heart)

A/N: First of all, I am really excited about this event, and I can't wait to check out the other works in this collection as well as the art and edits people made on Tumblr! Next, I want to give a huge shoutout to my beta reader, @infinite-cats on Tumblr, for helping me with this fic! Thank you @grishaversebigbang for creating and running this event! The title is from “Seven Devils” by Florence + The Machine. Without further adieu, enjoy the story!

Corporalki: @infinite-cats

Summary: Kaz, Inej, Jesper, Wylan, and Nina hadn't seen each other for years after they broke into the Ice Court, retrieved Kuwei Yul-Bo, fought to get Inej back, and drove Pekka Rollins out of business. They never spoke about what happened--not to anyone--and they never planned on it. The truth was, even though they had told each other they would stay in contact with one another, they had long since forgotten about the promises they’d made to one another when their emotions were running high after everything that happened. It isn’t until Inej catches word of unrest in Ravka that she returns to Kerch, where she plans to inform Nina of the new development, that the group, at least some of it, is together again. While Inej had planned on leaving again as soon as she’d spoken to Nina, her plans change once she catches wind of a new threat here, in Ketterdam. With danger surrounding the group, they are drawn back together, and while facing this new obstacle, hidden feelings come to light and many truths are revealed.

ao3 link: Seven Devils (In My Heart)

Chapter 1:

Kaz

It was a dreary day in Ketterdam--more dreary than normal, anyways--and Kaz Brekker stood in his office on the top floor of the Slat, looking out the window, towards the harbor. It was something he did frequently, staring at the ships. He liked to document which goods were coming into the city, which were moving out, and who was responsible for the exchange of goods. Kaz had learned how to identify ships by their sails and match them to a merchant a long time ago, and it always proved useful when deciding which goods were worth stealing and which to leave be.

With a groan of frustration, Kaz resigned himself to the fact that it was too foggy to get a good look at any of the ships. Then, he walked back over to his desk and sat down to relieve the pain in his knee, which was always worse when the weather was humid like this.

His eyes drifted away from the parchment before him and back to the window, and a small part of him hoped that one day, when he was looking out at the ships, he would see hers ; that she would come back to him. He didn’t know exactly what he had felt for In--no, the Wraith , he chided himself--disrupting his own train of thought. He only missed the Wraith, he told himself. He missed having eyes and ears around Ketterdam and an assassin he could trust. That was all. Nothing more, nothing less.

He shook his head, dispelling all thoughts of his former colleague from his mind, and when he finally tore his eyes away from the window, he looked down at the large stacks of paperwork on his desk, grabbed a quill, and began to scribble words onto the parchment. There was work to be done, and he would just have to make do with the fact that he no longer had the same level of surveillance he once had, just as he had done for the past few years.

Inej

Inej danced through the crowded streets of Ahmrat Jen, the capital city of Shu Han, unnoticed by those around her. Normally, she used the rooftops to move through cities, but the yurts in Shu Han made that difficult, so she resigned herself to the streets. She headed north, towards Ravka, and as she wove in and out of throngs of people and walked along hidden trails, she felt a pang of nostalgia. It reminded her of her life in Ketterdam, when she worked for Kaz Brekker. Now, she worked for no one. Then why did she still hear Kaz’s voice whispering instructions, meticulous and concise, whenever she closed her eyes? It felt like she hadn’t been able to get away from him--not really--and it infuriated her. It wasn’t that she hated him, it was more complicated than that. Even though she was miles away from Kerch, she still thought of him; no matter how far she traveled, she remembered him, and she hated it because she had promised herself she would give up this lifestyle. The kind where she snuck around, hidden in the shadows, using a knife to get what she wanted. She had wanted to be rid of this way of life so badly, but how could she be when Kaz was constantly invading her mind?

She no longer observed cities for their money, and she no longer had to murder anyone because they were a threat to a power-hungry boy; her goals were much better, at least in her opinion, than Kaz’s. But that didn’t change the fact that her methods were the same. She used the skills she had learned in Ketterdam to help women and children escape abusive homes. She used them to punish those who helped themselves to the pleasures of another’s body when it wasn’t theirs to enjoy, scoundrels who deserved no mercy but still escaped the authorities. Yes, she thought to herself, what she did with her skills now was much better than what she had done for Kaz. But it bothered her that her mind always connected the skills to her time with Kaz; it made it so much harder to move on and justify her actions. They might be for the greater good, but murder was still murder, and she wondered if she could ever forgive herself and the man who encouraged her to explore this part of herself.

Inej blamed Kaz for what she had become. She’d done it in Ketterdam, and she still did now. It was much easier than facing the truth, but her time away from him had proved what she didn’t want to admit: part of her craved this lifestyle. Not the killing, but the adrenaline rush, the feeling of purpose it gave her. She’d been able to give it all up for a period of time. She traveled the world, explored the sea, and reconnected with her Suli beliefs, but after a while, she fell back into old patterns. And Kaz was no longer around to blame. She shook the thoughts from her mind and pulled herself back to the present. She looked at the watch on her wrist, and when she saw the time, she quickened her pace; she had a lunch to attend.

Kuwei

Inej walked through the door of the modest cafe he had chosen as a meeting place, and the corners of his mouth quirked up, the way they always did when he was right about something. “I see you received my message,” he said, arching an eyebrow as Inej took the seat across from him. “I take it you’re intrigued?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t,” she replied.

“Good,” Kuwei smirked. Inej stared at him, undoubtedly waiting for an explanation, as he pretended to look over the menu.

Inej arched an eyebrow, fully aware that he wasn’t actually planning to order anything. When she’d had enough of his games, she said “Enough stalling; tell me what you know.”

“So impatient,” Kuwei chided, clicking his tongue. “But fine, I’ll tell you.” Inej nodded, ready for him to begin.

“I’ve caught wind of unrest in Ravka,” he started. “There is talk of a Sun Summoner going up against the Darkling. Grisha were already ostracized before they began to fight their own kind, but now that there is conflict amongst themselves, many people see it as an opportunity to destroy the Grisha once and for all. People hunt them down; if they’re lucky, they’ll kill them. If not, they’ll hand them over to the Darkling.”

“What do Ravkan politics have to do with me?” Inej asked, crossing her arms defensively.

“They might just be Ravkan politics now, but if the rumors are true, the Darkling plans to spread his influence to other countries. Some people have faith in the Sun Summoner, but most are preparing for a reign of darkness. The people near the northern border of Shu Han are already moving south, and it’s safe to assume many Fjerdans are moving west. At some point, these supposed Ravkan politics are going to affect all of us, and, though I don’t say it often--or ever, for that matter--you are one of the few people I care about. You and the other Ravens who--”

“Crows,” corrected Inej.

“Fine, Crows ,” scowled Kuwei, “who helped saved my life,” he said flippantly with a wave of his hand.

“That isn’t caring about someone,” Inej replied. “That’s just feeling like you owe them--us--a debt.”

“You would know,” Kuwei smirked. His smirk was different than Kaz’s smirk, Inej noticed. His was more playful and mischievous. It held a certain level of innocence she’d never seen in any of Kaz’s words or actions. Sometimes she wondered if he had ever even had it or if he was born with the knowledge of how cruel the world could be. “But back to the topic at hand,” Kuwei said, dragging Inej from her thoughts. “The unrest in Ravka is already starting to spread, and it won’t be long before we are affected. Long story short, I’m planning to leave, and I think you should, too.”

“Where do you suggest I go?” Inej asked, deciding to amuse him.

Kuwei gave her a pointed look. “Back to Ketterdam, of course,” he said, as though it were obvious.

“Very funny, Kuwei,” Inej scoffed. “Why would I go back there? There’s nothing for me there,” she said, willing her voice not to waver.

“If I’m not mistaken, there’s a Grisha there you care about. It would be a real shame if she were to suffer just because you couldn’t work up the courage to go back there.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Try telling that to your face. You look terrified.”

Inej glared at him; if looks could kill, he would be dead on the floor. Much to her annoyance, he didn’t seem the least bit perturbed. If anything, he looked amused. “So, where are you planning to go?” Inej asked after she finally accepted that he wasn’t going to crack under her gaze. Kuwei didn’t answer, opting to give her a knowing look. No, thought Inej. It wasn’t possible.

Inej was about to ask him again, more firmly this time, but it was as if Kuwei were reading her thoughts, for he replied before she had the chance. “I’m going to Ketterdam. In fact, I was hoping you could give me a ride.”

Inej

Of course he wanted a ride. Of fucking course. She’d been a fool to think he’d only requested to meet to give her information. Nothing in this world came free; she knew that better than most. Perhaps she’d been caught up in the notion of reuniting with a friend--albeit not a particularly close one, but a friend nonetheless--that she had forgotten that she would have to give something in return. He’d already given her the information he’d promised, meaning he’d held up his end of the deal, and if Inej walked away, she’d be burning a bridge she’d rather keep intact. This manipulation wasn’t cruel, but it was entirely self-serving on Kuwei’s part. Kaz would have been proud.

Inej mulled her options over in her mind for a moment before answering, but she knew she was only delaying the inevitable because if she said it out loud, it would be real.

Then, as all things do, the moment passed. She looked up at Kuwei, who had a knowing look in his yellow-gold eyes that made Inej want to gouge them out, and gave the tiniest of nods.

“I’ll do it,” she said.

Kuwei smiled widely, showing his shiny teeth for the first time since the meeting had started. “Excellent,” he said, and Inej had the sinking feeling that this was only the beginning of her troubles. “So,” Kuwei asked lightly, “when do we leave?”