takucraig07

[takucraig07]

And that is because you never had the privilege of fully being a child. You had to choose a kind of clumsy you could clean up. You were never allowed to grow at your pace. You were forced into maturity, into filling spaces you didn’t need to….

[takucraig07]

“You have to understand, I am looking out for myself, I never want to be hurt again,” she says, her voice breaking into a soft sob.

“Keep your options open, and leave if you second guess your feelings.”

I am all so suddenly stuck in a vortex of silence. I scamper around and trip on my words. I stutter before i can even open my mouth. I am held hostage in the present by the foreboding arms of the past.

“This is the most quiet you have ever been,” she exclaims, a comical smile escaping from the corners of her mouth.

Time seemed to pass in gasps, and I couldn’t free myself from my lack of expression.

“You see, I cannot love without it consuming me. And I usually burn with passion to a hurtful end. I give my whole self to it, a surrender that often turns to sacrifice. I am yours more than i have ever belonged to myself.”

I say this whilst staring into oblivion. Ashamed of my abysmal confession. Ripped by my own truth.

“No wonder you hurt,” she says.

“No wonder I fully love,” I reply.

She sits on the bed beside me. We are both momentarily devoid of words. Just our shoulders rubbing against each other.

“Show me then,” she utters, her face more stoic than ever.

“Now?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes!”

I slowly turned and edged towards her. The night closed in and swallowed us whole to a provoked end.

Sincerely Craig | Within conversations

[takucraig07]

I sat in a corner chair watching as she sang and moved her body to a dancing swirl. I was sessile the entire time, the only thing moving being a wreck of thoughts.

She suddenly stops, too quick of a movement, too rhythmic of a turn.

“I have a question for you after the song,” she says in a small undertone.

She starts singing again, but I can notice her voice is not the same. Her dancing has become laboured. Almost as if she is struggling to carry the weight of her question. At this moment I realise the song seems longer. Unending. The cool air from the open window next to me turns to a cold shiver. I have goosebumps. A small reminder that i am human. Petrified of what was to come.

The song comes to a halting stop, and she almost immediately sits on the arm rest of the chair.

We both pause in anticipation of the question.

“I cannot fathom how you have healed from a love so long.”

Pause

“How do you walk away from so many years of your life without breaking apart?” she asks.

I take a deep breath and go silent, which felt like i was eluding my thought process.

“Love can never be measured by years, it’s unfair to reduce it to time. I like to look at its value based on the number of moments you have over the period of being together,” I finally said, settling into my seat.

“Did it have to end?”

“We were saturated. We experienced it all to the fullest of our capacity… to the very brink. I regret nothing. I also celebrate it to the peak of what it was worth,” I said, further sinking into the seat.

We were again met by silence. That which comes from all things said.

[takucraig07]

[takucraig07]

the intimacy of "how do you know that?"

"because I know you."

[takucraig07]

plants 🍃

x - x / x - x / x - x

[takucraig07]

credit

[takucraig07]

In my heart you have always been a visitor. Someone passing by and never staying too long or too short, just enough for me to know you are present. Within me I am not furnished with chairs, let’s see how long you will stay this time now that you are already on your feet.

[takucraig07]

I set worship in the cathedral of my heart, hands clasped as i gave an offertory of words upon the goddess she is. I held onto the holy book, & read off my undying love. Her name so rolled off my tongue & bloomed on my lips to a musical piece.

Blissful: that is to date a deity!

[takucraig07]

I have kept all ornaments of our love. I still take my coffee the same way, with two sugars as you preferred. I have Maynards for breakfast and I tie my left shoe before my right. My hand still lingers to be held when i walk in public and my signature fragrance is the one you gave me for my 21st birthday. I have kept many things, footprints showing that you were here. That is why you are— my lavaliere lover.

[takucraig07]

“Ultimately, we will lose each other to something. I would hope for grand circumstance—death or disaster. But it might not be that way at all. It might be that you walk out one morning after making love to buy cigarettes, and never return, or I fall in love with another … It might be a slow drift into indifference. Either way, we’ll have to learn to bear the weight of the eventuality that we will lose each other to something. So why not begin now, while your head rests like a perfect moon in my lap …? Why not reach for the seam in this … night and tear it, just a little, so the falling can begin? Because later, when we cross each other on the streets, and are forced to look away, when we’ve thrown the disregarded pieces of our togetherness into bedroom drawers and the smell of our bodies is disappearing like the sweet decay of lilies—what will we call it, when it’s no longer love?”

[takucraig07]

gosh does anyone else have a weird little graveyard in their head for friendships of the past??

and every once in a while you just visit it and think about how those people are getting on, knowing you will never see or speak to them again?

current mood.

[takucraig07]

you said,

tell me where you've been, love

and i thought of all the lost roads,

and dark corners,

and heavy work, and heartbreak,

and of all the healing

and I just said......

on my way here.

[takucraig07]

On Sunday, she asks about the therapy. What did you go for? She asks kindly. She doesn't mean to pry. Her question comes from a place of care.

I know this but I do not know what to tell her.

A lot of things, I say honestly. I wasn't happy . That summarises the situation very vaguely but I know it does not explain anything.

She is careful not to look at me too intently.

I did not like myself very much. I try. It is difficult to show someone you love the violence. The versions of yourself you tried to bury.

You know parts of what they'll say. You did that? You thought that? How could you?

But I did. And I could. And the truth is, there are moments where I have to try very hard not to again.

[takucraig07]

I sat in a corner chair watching as she sang and moved her body to a dancing swirl. I was sessile the entire time, the only thing moving being a wreck of thoughts.

She suddenly stops, too quick of a movement, too rhythmic of a turn.

“I have a question for you after the song,” she says in a small undertone.

She starts singing again, but I can notice her voice is not the same. Her dancing has become laboured. Almost as if she is struggling to carry the weight of her question. At this moment I realise the song seems longer. Unending. The cool air from the open window next to me turns to a cold shiver. I have goosebumps. A small reminder that i am human. Petrified of what was to come.

The song comes to a halting stop, and she almost immediately sits on the arm rest of the chair.

We both pause in anticipation of the question.

“I cannot fathom how you have healed from a love so long.”

Pause

“How do you walk away from so many years of your life without breaking apart?” she asks.

I take a deep breath and go silent, which felt like i was eluding my thought process.

“Love can never be measured by years, it’s unfair to reduce it to time. I like to look at its value based on the number of moments you have over the period of being together,” I finally said, settling into my seat.

“Did it have to end?”

“We were saturated. We experienced it all to the fullest of our capacity… to the very brink. I regret nothing. I also celebrate it to the peak of what it was worth,” I said, further sinking into the seat.

We were again met by silence. That which comes from all things said.

[takucraig07]

“You have to understand, I am looking out for myself, I never want to be hurt again,” she says, her voice breaking into a soft sob.

“Keep your options open, and leave if you second guess your feelings.”

I am all so suddenly stuck in a vortex of silence. I scamper around and trip on my words. I stutter before i can even open my mouth. I am held hostage in the present by the foreboding arms of the past.

“This is the most quiet you have ever been,” she exclaims, a comical smile escaping from the corners of her mouth.

Time seemed to pass in gasps, and I couldn’t free myself from my lack of expression.

“You see, I cannot love without it consuming me. And I usually burn with passion to a hurtful end. I give my whole self to it, a surrender that often turns to sacrifice. I am yours more than i have ever belonged to myself.”

I say this whilst staring into oblivion. Ashamed of my abysmal confession. Ripped by my own truth.

“No wonder you hurt,” she says.

“No wonder I fully love,” I reply.

She sits on the bed beside me. We are both momentarily devoid of words. Just our shoulders rubbing against each other.

“Show me then,” she utters, her face more stoic than ever.

“Now?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes!”

I slowly turned and edged towards her. The night closed in and swallowed us whole to a provoked end.

Sincerely Craig | Within conversations

[takucraig07]

And that is because you never had the privilege of fully being a child. You had to choose a kind of clumsy you could clean up. You were never allowed to grow at your pace. You were forced into maturity, into filling spaces you didn’t need to….