talaxyan

[talaxyan]

hello from 2023

hiiiiiii

it's so funny to think that all the posts from this tumblr are all just for me in the future but I hope it's gonna be another good reflection to see what I was like in the past.

but let me give you a little update since the last time I was here ((THERE WERE A LOT!!!))

ok first of all. im unemployed now, I graduated college 4 months ago and still haven't been able to land a job- I'm on my last round of interview for this pharmaceuticals company tho and I REALLY HOPE I GET THE JOB BECAUSE IM DESPERATEEEE. if I don't get an offer soon my OPT might expires meaning it'll be harder for me to escape indo.

as much as i love being at home and spending most days with my nieces and having no worry at all, I miss doing something intelligent like doing all the academic weapon I was supposed to be doing. it was hard landing a job yall, I swear I've applied to at least 400+ job but still 0 offer. IM REALLY HOPING THIS PHARMA JOB WORKS OUT I REALLY WANNA GO BACKKKKKK I wanna live in city I can wander around please

anyway, on the fun part ((my nonexistant love life))

in 2022, i went for a semester abroad in LONDON AND IT WAS WILDDDDD like really good experience and I love london so much I wish to go back there again and visiting my london fam innit- it was surprising really good like i had a solid friendgroup in just a month of settling down (shout out to SHAIMA LOVE U SO MUCH GURL) i went travelling to edinburg and Stonehenge. it was a surreal experience.

oh and i was on dating apps while in London and I got the taste of love (a little bit). my first ever date was really good, i'd give it 7/10 I wasn't that attracted to this dude but he was smart and caring at least before he became annoying and called me a self-obsessed girl- like dude HOW CANT I BE OBSESSED OVER MYSELFF? anyway I didn't continue talking to him because I really thought I should give an ugly guy a chance just bc he seems nice personally but he really wasn't so I went to 7 more dates after that--- ND I GOT MY FIRST EVER KISS??? LIKE HELLO? this dude I kissed, we met on tinder and I went to his place the night I first saw him and I gave him a glockglock3000 it was crazy-- but after that night I learnt why people like dick- and he got a pretty one too and it tasted sweet?????? maybe from the lube he was using but we didn't do the full thing cuz I was kinda hesitant cuz I BARELY KNOW HIM OFC??? but yea I learnt some things but my experience with men in general wasn't really working out bc ALL I WANT IS LOVE and it seems like u cant really find that on dating app.

other than that, i cut off some people from my life. it was sad but I think its about time. this girl I really wanted to befriend with since freshman year, we ended became bestie and even lived together in the apartment, but I think it was really toxic tbh- it think the more I knew people, the more I feel like I withdrew myself form them.thats kinda scared me because I really wanted to accept people the way they are but it was really not good having her around- for some reason in social settings, everytime I spent time wth her, it just irritaes me more and that made me realize that friendship wasn't supposed to be like that, it shouldn't cost you your mental health to be living with your friend so yeah, after graduation, I never contacted her and she also never contact me either so it's mutual I think

my time at skidmore was overall fun, I went to typical college parties, got drunk and wasted but it was all really fun. i love my girl friends my bbygurl I love them so much and they made my time at skidmore 100000x so much better. i would be a lot more miserable if it wasn't because of them. there was rough patches along the way but we are good friends so I was able to let go everything and keep our friendship eventho now w graduated and harder to see each other but I really hope to meet them again<3 I love them thao kim connie rebecca and my isu babies<3

my plan now is hoping i land that job in Boston > lease an apartment > fly from jakarta and meet natan > relocate to Boston and get my stuff at Uhaul in Albany > starting working and getting the sense of really world > SAVE A LOT OF MONEY SO I CAN SPOIL MY LOVED ONES AND MYSELF

i think i can do it. delusion is the key and I quite frankly believe in myself. i really hope so I wish.

so yeah, thats mostly the update from me. hopefully in the next post I can give you a better news and more GOOD STORY FROM MY LOVE LIFE yea. ok goodbye for now and I see u later

[talaxyan]

20th birthday

Happy Birthday......to myself.

did anyone say anything yet? i bet nope. last year, you were wishing to not be as lonely as previous year but guess it is actually getting lonelier than ever. i’m sorry.

i dont what to say to this but i’m still hoping to spend my birthday with people who care about me. i hope people would be preparing something for me next year. please universe can you give me a cool friends group that want to adopt me? i’m extremely lonely.

happy birthday! you’re living again for the 20th year. what life are you living for this year?

[talaxyan]

reflecting on life, letting my mind wanders

hi,

I have written some stuff but it accidentally got deleted. what I am thinking right now is just incapable I am to do anything. but for this accident, it wasn't because of me. now that I think about it, most of the things in my life happened out of my control.

first, I’m not the one who caused a pandemic that turns my life over, putting me in a situation where it is even difficult to trust myself again.

it is unfair. I have put so much effort in believing that I finally have the confidence to so things I want. then things just blurred out and now it is hard to imagine that I’m particularly good at something.

now I’m actually wondering, is there something that I’m doing at my best? is my best even enough to satisfy the requirement? the answer is still “I don't know”

currently, it’s 2:51 am. Spotify is playing my favourite anime opening theme song, Merry-Go-Round of Life (Howl’s moving castle). I’m writing as I let my mind wanders. looking at the long many tabs on my chrome, I need to find a job on campus. There are few posted today, jobs in the chemistry department. things I should have been good at, I suppose. But even I’m scared to hit the checklist button and submit my application. speaking of application of anything, it has been too long since I actually feel the thrill of applying to something. 

one more thing, I’m ashamed of what i have been doing these days. a form of entertainment that does not benefit me as a person. I want to start reading again, setting that as the entertainment that I hope will help me to grow as a person. I’m just jealous looking at how deeply people think at things they are passionate at. 

I think I’m just making excuses. I mean yes, the pandemic and remote learning have eaten my motivation away but that does not mean I can just let my passion to leave me alone like this. 

anyway, i want to build a connection with people on campus again. I mean I need their connection to build myself. I can’t just do things myself, I have to have people that aspire me to be a person that I want to be.

what kind of people I want to be? I wonder. what do I actually want to do? things that I myself personally love that is just for other people’s validation? I’m not sure how to answer that. now it’s ashamed to die without actually having no exact answer to a core foundation of my own life? why would I wanna die anyway? there are many things i have to do and I know that will make me feel better rather than just dying.

what kind of person i am? am i a good person? i mean i have anger issue and social awkward. I have to feel good about myself. a tiktok video i watched last week was saying that I have to assume good things for good things to actually happen. in that sense, I have to believe in myself that I can experience good things so those will actually become my reality.

i’m kinda tired now and I want to wake up early tomorrow to start a “productive”day so I’m signing off.

goodbye.

[talaxyan]

i’m feeling better now

hi old me,

how are you? yea, i'm stuck at the same state as you right now- i’m having this writer block that distract me from finishing my finals papers that was supposed to be done 2 days ago. but you know what? i can’t tell if i can relate to your depressed feeling anymore right now.

 i do feel i’m at a better place now. i don’t remember when was the last time i cried bc i hate myself. i think it was last year after i did my IB math- and that’s about it. 

i know around this time 2 years ago, you almost wanted to jump out of your 8th floor bedroom bc the life seems to be unreal and made you exhausted every second you breath. i don’t know if i can relate to that feeling anymore right now. i mean don’t get me wrong, i still feel the sadness sometimes, but i guess i become more forgiving to myself? i don’t hate myself that much? i might actually love myself a little bit more?

oh, do you know what’s funny? i remember how hard it was for you to even open up your mouth to speak up like everybody else. i remember how mute you were. surprisingly, i think i figured that out now. in the first day of college class, i counted how many times i spoke in class just to give myself a “congratulations!! you’re being so brave today! i know you can do it, let’s do it even better tomorrow” yea, that’s what i said to myself. it feels so much better tho.

lol you must be really jealous of me cuz not only my social life get significantly improved- academically, i peak! i got 3.92 gpa last semester!! isn’t that crazy? like i remember vividly how you never even got above 50% in all of your test and now 100% on test is like achievable for me. that’s crazy.

i love where i am now. i miss people tho. 

ah for this one, i think you have completely zero idea about this coming next to yourself. a pandemic occurs all over the world right now bc of this stupid coronavirus that no one even wanted for that to even exist. classes are cancelled, college goes online, no one at campus. that is just so sad bc i do think this semester could’ve gone really good for me because i finally met people i’m comfortable with to call them ‘friends’. i have lunch together with them, i chat in a topic that i feel included with them. they’re really nice! unfortunately this catastrophe just flip everything into 180º 

i really hope thing goes back to normal before fall semester tho because i wanna meet my friends again. i wanna do college normally again!

yes, you’re not hearing it wrong from me. i do want to go back to school, 8 am classes, study session in the library until pass midnight, fun club events, working on campus. those things makes me happy somehow. i dont know if you can relate to that considering how much you hated school just a year ago.

well- it’s almost 5 am now. i should really finish writing my finals before 10am. thank you listening to me tho. i hope this can reach out to you LITERALLY just to make you think rationally again that life gets better my dude- you’re not gonna be sad all the time. there is a place for you and i love you.

Sincerely,

2020 tal.

[talaxyan]

him.

I just woke up from a dream i know too well will never ever come true.

It’s about him. Haha, it’s so funny when I try to remember about it again.

——-

It all started when I have my birthday party and somehow by the end of it, I’m walking home and he’s walking along with me. Then he gave me a small piece of paper with something written on it. Which is- love, I think I fall in love with you. I looked at him right away, he was smiling shyly and I was trying to control my smiley face. It feels so real because until that moment there are literally zero moments that we have together that can possibly make him fall in love with me.

I made a confused face and asked him, “what does this mean?” and he’s like- “c’mon I know that you know it.”  There’s a silent moment for a solid minute and I started to ask him again “ok, but how tho? We barely even talk in school and I thought you don't even know my existence.”

he smiled again, saying “I actually have a crush on you for a while- it’s just that I didn’t have the courage to say it to you until now but since I know we’re graduating soon and I don’t want to waste any more time so that’s why i told you this.”

I was a bit shock, i never thought this will ever happen. I still can manage my reaction and said to him “ah- wow i never thought this will ever happen in my entire life. Why do you have a crush on me tho?”

He just said immediately “you’re pretty, brave and funny.” With his smiling face.

ARGH, he looks so cute at that moment. I then replied “woah- i never thought I’m pretty at all that can possibly attract anybody to like me.”

He’s just like “what do you mean? Don’t you realise it? You’re beautiful.” He stared at me right in my eyes.

I gulped my saliva- feeling very nervous suddenly because nobody especially guy ever said that to me.

I replied back to him, more like whispering“oh- thanks.”

and I asked him again, “so what do you want from this?”

He just said “ I literally just want to let you know before we split up and possibly will never meet again. But it’ll be a different story if you by any chance have a feeling for me as well, which is something I know for sure that you have.”

I laughed nervously and just said “how do you know? Haha..”

He said “ i know that at any time you saw me, you always secretly check me out like you literally stared at my eyes. I caught you did that many times- it’s just that there are too many people and I thought you’ll feel embarrassed if I called you staring at me.”

I was shocked hearing what he said and just literally said back “ah- I thought no one noticed that. It’s crazy aaaah.”

and he said “so? You do have a feeling for me?”

I sighed for a second, “uhm... yeah.”

He smiled very cutely again. “Hm, okay. How tho? We barely talk to each other in school?” He said mimicking my voice when i asked him the exact same question.

I look at him very nervously And sighs again. “Hmmm okay. I know you obviously from you every performance in every school event. You have a very nice voice and I really enjoy listening to your singing. I guess that’s all about it. I’m that type that can have a crush on someone so easily, people who i have a crush on usually those people that I don’t really know because the only thing i know about you is that i like your singing. then I started to notice that you also have a great attitude, but this ‘feeling’ that i have for you for so long can only be there because i don't know you personally. It’s like whenever i have a crush on someone, and i know about them personally especially about their personality and attitude, that feeling is somehow turned off because I finally know that i only have a crush on my imagination of that person being so nice while it’s actually not true—

—but guess what? It’s not like I totally have no idea about your personality, i heard about you a lot and somehow that feeling for you is still there.

haha. But of course i don't plan to tell you at all because I thought it’s weird for me, a total stranger to you and suddenly i come to you and confess such a thing. I do have a crush on you but never ever come across my mind to have any romantic relationship with you, because you know— I thought you’ll never like me back.”

He stared at me that whole time, listening to my long confession. He then nodded his head and said “okay then, let’s get to know each other better. I want to know you and be close to you.”

I smiled, I couldn’t really look at his eyes- I still feel very shy. “Uhm, okay.”

He then said, “ now that I know you have the same feeling for me, it’s likely that we’re going to meet each other again even after graduation.”

I just said, “haha, everyone said that. I’m not sure if that’s just bland lie—“

He suddenly holds my cheek, making me face him. His eyes lit up, he opened up his mouth and said something with a very soft voice. “No, I’m not lying. We will meet each other again.”

I just stood there silently while managing my heart to not beat so heavily, he is very passionate when he said so. I looked away and said, “okay, I trust you on this.”

He then released his hand from my face and started apologising, “sorry for touching your face without even telling you.”

I just laughed it off “haha, it’s okay.”

We just then walked and walked, there’s only the sound of our feet stepping on the grass. when we finally arrived in front of my home, he took my hand and said “I’m glad i talked to you. I should’ve talked to you since the beginning but it doesn’t matter—“ he stopped talking for 5 seconds and just stared at me. He continues what he wanted to say, “i like you and it’s such a relief hearing directly from you that you like me as well. Maybe it’s not love yet but I’ll make sure to love you and make you to love me for who i am :) I’ll text you later. Goodnight, take some rest- you look a bit tired.”

I smiled and nodded, “hm, thanks. You too! Take some time to rest. be safe on your way home, it’s quite dark.”

“Haha, it’s okay. I’ll be here until you go inside.” He said.

I then walked apart from him. It feels very surreal for me to finally have a proper conversation with him. while i almost reach the door, I turned around to see if he’s still there and he is. He smiled and waved at me while mouthed “See you again!” I smiled back to him.

I process to go inside my home and go right away to bed. I felt very tired from today birthday party, not even noticing it, my eyes just closed.

A couple of hours later, I opened my eyes. Thinking everything that just happened was just a dream but then i checked my phone. There’s a direct message on Instagram that came from him!!! I felt relief and think “oh- so it’s not a dream.”

His text was about, “hi Lita, I have a nice time talking to you and i hope you do so. Are you busy tomorrow? I thought it might be nice if you go and watch this movie.”

I was speechless, wow things escalated so quickly by just that one moment when we finally confessed to each other. It took me sometimes to replied back to him because my mind literally just went blank and I don’t know what to say.

I finally replied back to him, “no, i don't have any plan tomorrow. at what time do you want to meet me?”

“7pm? If that’s okay for you.” He replied.

“Sure! See you then” I replied. I thought that’s the last message i have with him today.

BUT, he’s still replying back. “I kinda want to hear your voice, is it okay if i call you?”

“Yeah, it’s okay,” I replied back.

Not even a minute later, my phone was ringing with him on the screen and I picked it up. “Hello?” I said.

I heard him clearing up his throat and finally said something, “oh hi! How are you doing?”

We then talked and talked for hours until I didn’t realise i fell asleep again.

——-

I opened my eyes one more time only to realise that it’s again just a dream. Though i know it’s a dream- i just immediately check my Instagram only to find out there’s no single message from him. I felt sadness in my heart, huh- what am I thinking? Of course, that would never happen to me. haha.

[talaxyan]

love <3

—MAP OF THE SOUL: Persona—

+ Translation Credits: @doyou_bangtan

[talaxyan]

I dare you to count all the footsteps you've made on your way there; To count the height of how far you've flown up there; To count the ugly faces you've made while you were crying over exams; To count dozens of amazing people you've met out there; To think about that weight on your shoulders you sometimes wish you didn't feel; To think about that one big decision, oh god, that ONE fucking decision you've stumbled upon that changed everything; . . To think about: you.

that one weird yet kinda wise friend

[talaxyan]

“I think you are a very lively, and energetic child. However, it needs a certain mood and moment to get you being yourself. Now, I feel you are holding back being yourself, but still, that is part of your learning and developing as a person…”

a friend

[talaxyan]

i need some motivation

heheh

hi- i’m having a writer block for writing my tok essay. I REALLY NEED TO FINISH IT if i want to graduate which I WANT!.

i’ve been comtemplated with my own mind at this 3am knowing that i will once again not finishing my work and is going to keep procrastinating.

OH! before im going any furthur-  sorry for any typos or misspelling- i really dont want to care about those stuff.

i just want to type and type until i have some idea on how to write my tok essay and finish it. i feel so anxious for being able to finish it yet.

maybe you realise the pattern on when i posted something on this bblock- yes, i always come here whenever i feel at my worst and lowest, also especially when i feel like i’m useless for my own self.

my fingers are a bit numb right now-  feel like my hand muscle need a bit of rest but the reason why i feel so useless is because i didnt do anything useful for my life.

i really hate myself. im still hating it. but what i hate the most is that i dont change that side of myself that i hate which eventually makes me hating myself continously.

wow i just checked how many words i have written on this post and it’s already 200 words. if i can just write something nonsense on my tok essay then i bet can just finish it in an hour.

i used to like study a lot. i used to be so excited when i have times to study. i used to. i really want this side of me back, i feel lie all the good side of me from 2 years ago has been sucked in by this IB system.

or probably just by myself. 

hey i really hate myself. what do you think should i do?

it’s easy for some people to say “oh just love yourself, accept who you are” “you are wonderful, sweetie. what are you talking about?”

arent they just being hypocrite themselve when they say that?

do they really love the way they are? really? is such a thing even exist/?

-

hi, my timer said i only have 6 minutes to sleep.maybe im not going to sleep tonight. this is always the bad decision but whatever.

bye. i need to do my tok essay

[talaxyan]

january 27,2019

so basically it was kind of similar place with a dream that i had a month ago. Coincidence? Maybe. I may divide this dream into two parts cuz i feel like it’s sort of two different stories or two separate stories that is still related.

(First story) 

the first story or the beginning of my nap story was a bit supernatural,  a really fantasy storyline. There were me, my parents, my friend(jeethu), Jeethu’s parents and two people from travel agents. I’m not sure why but maybe I booked a vacation itinerary with these travel agents and these two agents brought us in a seashore but it’s a really small seashore which looked like in an abandoned island. 

At that moment, I was a bit suspicious or maybe just curious with Jeethu’s action, as we’re all on the beach/seashore but she walked inside the forest which was also in that island. While I’m following jeethu to the forest, One of the agents called me and asked for my credit card and idk why i just gave it to her and suddenly the login screen to enter my bank account appears on the billboard screen on that island. I was confused, what is she going to do with that? and she just casually give her phone to me so i can enter my credit card password. 

Then i asked her “what is this for? Isn’t my credit card password going to be leaked with this big screen shown everything?” 

And she froze, didn’t know what to answer so i asked the other agents the same question. 

The other agents hesitantly said “yeah, it may.” 

And then I realised there’s something weird with these travel agents and that may be why they brought us to this abandoned island and i took my credit card from them and managed myself to follow jeethu again but still thinking about why these two agents acting so weird. when i finally saw jeethu, she just stood there silently. Next thing that i saw was a creature that looks like a chicken/bird but a bit different in a way because its eyes are slowly popping up and its body was round like a ball. and i asked jeethu 

‘hey jeethu!! What are you doing there? And wtf is that?” 

Jeethu just said “shhh, shut your mouth. I think that creature is trying to tell us something.” 

a few minutes later, we heard a sound from that creature. I didn’t know the language it is speaking but somehow I understand what it means. 

It said with a weak voice “bring all your people out of this place and scream on top pf you lungs ‘I AM NOT LIKE YOU!’ to them.” 

my first instinct after hearing that was to run away from that creature. I dragged jeethu and she just cluelessly asked: “Hey what’s wrong with you?” 

and i screamed back to her “DONT YOU HEAR THAT? WE NEED TO GO!”

 she still didn’t understand and keep saying “WHAT? WHY?!” 

and from distance, we saw that creature just exploded. from that body, there was little tiny birds/chicken that looked just like it. And they were all running to us. I ran to my And Jeethu’s parents and just screamed to them “RUN AWAY NOW! WE NEED TO LEAVE!!!!” they are all shock but once they saw those birds/chicken, they just followed me and we ran, leaving that seashore. I screamed on top of my lung “I AM NOT LIKE YOU!!! WE ARE ALL NOT LIKE YOU.” and all of sudden, hundreds of that creature appear out of nowhere but now they all look so dangerous like little monsters. 

As all of us were running and I just somehow lead everyone, i don't know why but that time I can control a fire that came out of my hand. So I make our way to be surrounded by fire so those monster can’t touch or hurt us.

Once we come to the other side of the island, I saw like a truck covering sort of hidden place so I ran to that place with all the people that I brought, and then I realised that those two travel agents were not there. 

I didn’t think that much, I quickly fire all the truck after got in to that place and those monster cant run towards us anymore. I don’t think they have mind to think, they just ran themselves to the fire to get closer to us but ended up died. Okay, surprisingly when we were in that safe place. There were some people that were hiding as well. 

I saw boat in that place then when I look carefully again, it was actually another small seashore in the other side of the island which there were no that chicken monster in there. 

Yup. That is the end of story. After being quite safe in that place, i don’t really remember that story anymore. 

(Second story)

I’m not sure if this is the continuation of the first story or not. but thing that i remember is that the setting place for this second story is the same place where I bring everyone to the safe hidden seashore on the other side of the island.

beware ! this is a bit cringey- but whatever

and guess what, THERE IS JIMIN.

you know when you are dreaming, the place is suddenly changing. and yes, that was what happened. it suddenly goes back to normal where there is no chicken monster or whatever it is.

I remember that everyone goes somewhere else. we stay in a wooden house in that same island. there were only me and jimin in that house. he was waiting for me to get ready because i was showering and stuff.

after that we just went toa fruit store in that mall. I think I bought some mangos ahahha and we left the store--

 while walking, I unconsciously hold jimin’s lower arm because there were a lot of people in that mall- and when I realized i quickly release my hand from him and said “oh sorry ahahah- i didn’t realised i hold your arm this whole time” I laughed in an awkward voice.

and you know what he did? he just casually place her hand on my hand and said “it’s okay to stay like this for awhile.” and he smiled :) so nicely :) aaaaaaaaa my biaswrecker-

okay that’s the end of second story i think, I dont really remember what happened again after that.

[talaxyan]

2019 resolution

 Hi!

it’s been a while since the last time I post something on this blog. I somewhat forgot that I managed to have this blog ahahah.

it’s still the beginning of the year, righttt-- so let me just write down some of my resolutions that I wish I could achieve this year :)

1. write more on this blog.  ( so i have this idea since the end of 2018 to make a journal of the dreams that I had while I’m sleeping because honestly, i feel like those dreams are quite unique and might be related to one another. therefore, I will start to write the story of my dreams on this blog. the main purpose is that I WANT TO PUBLISH A BOOK. when the end of that day comes, I’m going to sort all of the storyline and create one piece of final book.)

2. get in uni :)  [i applied to 10 univs, 2 replied me back and I have not yet been accepted (I’m deferred and waitlisted) from those two. I wish I would be accepted to univ where I can honestly be myself)

3. spend more quality times with friends before we split up and spread in any part of the world. [ going to the universal studio for the first time, cook foods during CNY break, explore places in sg with them, have a fancy dinner)

4. graduate from IB :) [ be happy and satisfied with myself during graduation!]

5. upload more videos on my youtube channel (create vlogs maybe? speed painting video, a day/week in my life, travel videos)

6. be more productive  (wake up early in the weekends, have some morning walks, visit more places, paint and draw more)

7. make more friends ( be more natural, be myself, show who I am, be a little less shy, approach people, contribute more in discussions)

8. promise myself to realistically achieve the list of wish I make above ^

[talaxyan]

a post on my anonymous fb account at 2.27am

biasa kan, tahun terakhir highschool pasti sering ditanyain mau kuliah apa? dimana? blablablabalba.. dan aku pasti selalu ngejawab 'chemistry' . yeah. that's it, i end the conversation--

but looking back at my perfomances in chemistry class, aku semakin lama makin ga terlalu yakin apa jurusan kimia nantinya bakalan beneran cocok sama minat dan kemampuan diriku dimasa depan. CUZ DUDEzzz LOOK AT ALL MY CLASSMATES, THEY ARE ALL GENIUSSSSS and there i am, the only potato in class. bukan maksud buat ngebandingin diri sendiri dan orang lain. TAPI, aku beneran sadar apa yang kemungkinan besar akan terjadi di dunia perkuliahan. akan semakin banyak dikelilingin orang yang levelnya saaaaangaaaatttt jauh sama diriku and that's bad. i had experienced it, still until now. being the only one who's struggling among those genius is not a good thing for me. it discourages myself to even try and drops my self-esteem to 0%. i fighted with it and just unfortunately yet expectedly didnt win. Although there's a lot things involve to this, it's not only bcs im not 'good enough' in chemistry, but also bcs im lacking at a 'crucial' human-thing. communication. yep, there's really nothing to say about this. i tried, and i think im improved a bit so it's not yet enough.

HOWEVER, despite all these things, im doing my extended essay in chemistry right--- jadi hampir setiap hari habis pulang sekolah selalu di lab, ngumpulin data buat essay nya dan aku suka ngelakuin itu : doing my own lab experimentation, designing all the methods by myself and most importantly these all are based on my interest, the idea that i myself came up with and no one literally put me in a pressure of doing it.

well------ it's not really because i'm afraid of the failure i might get if i really decide to study&pursue chemistry, but it's more likely, i believe there's other thing that I CAN BE BEST AT IT and it'll waste my times doing chemistry that perhaps will end up the same, im confused with my own ability. it's not like i'm giving up on trying chem, it's just better (for me) to consider something else that i dont really need to compare myself with anyone and be stressed out with it.

i think about it a lot that i wanna do visual art as well. I KNOW. i'm even worse at art than at chem. but the things that i NEVER do in art class are..... comparing myself to other people and being stressed out because i'm not good enough.there are MANY THINGS that i need to learn and improve in art. BUT I consider art to be another option because i think i can be the best at it.

for me, my definition of 'being the best' is when i dont compare my ability to anyone else even without i realize i just do my artpieces not even think if anyone in class could do better than me. dont misunderstand, my art classmates are amazing ARTISTS, each individual of them have their own art styles and that impresses me a lot. BUT that fact never makes me think that i dont deserve to do art in college.

as usual, there's always the dark side yet that doesnt really discourage me to keep trying. i still feel stressed tho, but it's because im procrastinating and not finishing my art written assignment on time.

ok, this is weird, but as im typing this post, my minds is confusing itself.

I dont wanna delete chemistry from my choice option yet. im just confused with my own thoughts. but i still wanna consider to do art.

dan 2 minggu terakhir ini aku ngelakuin beberapa interviews sama beberapa colleges and that kinda opens my eyes.

aku selalu berpikir akan lanjut ke university dan liberal art college hanyalah jadi cadangan doang. pokoknya aku selalu ngeprioritaskan masuk university daripada college.

karena aku bingung akan 2 pilihan, sekarang aku malah lebih sangat berpikir klo college bakalan lebih cocok sama diriku saat ini, dimana kebingungan masih terus ada dipikiranku.

aku nanya banyak hal di sesi interview sama beberapa colleges, salah satunya tentang masalah major ini dan emang sistemnya mereka itu lebih general dan bahkan aku punya waktu 1.5-2 tahun buat nentuin major aku. jadi tahun pertama itu bisa ngambil beberapa subjects yang nantinya kemungkinan besar akan buat aku yakin tentang apa yg aku pingin lakuin for the rest of my job-lyfe.

im sure about this and there's no really hesitation, i wanna go to liberal art college and i have list of them on my common app and navience already huehehehehe-

yeah. that's it. im wishing myself luck.

(anyway, i have SAT in less than a month and my early decision application is on november 1st. OMG time flies so fast)

[talaxyan]

i think my soul is dead

hi it’s me again.

it’s been awhile, right?

i feel empty again. i dont think i have any motivation to live anymore. i feel so dead. i think i am.

i think i’m so far away from life, my belief, faith, people.

i feel isolated by my own self. i’m prisoned. help me i need someone to help me. someone who truly helps. 

i dont do anything. i dont know what to do anymore. i really need help. i’m dead.

this feels so empty. this body. i’m sorry...........bye

[talaxyan]

134340

i just wanna go back home and eating foods that my mom cooks or just laying down while watching tv show with my dad or fighting for food with my sisters, playing with my niece and having an argument with my brother or just basically having a personal space just with myself. At this point i just want to sleep on my bed while secretly reading my fav korean idol fanfics, knowing that I'm supposed to worry about nothing. Without any thoughts that i need to do this and that. I feel exhausted sometimes.. well it's probably normal, at this point everyone might feel the same. . I don't wanna say I'm tired but not really sadly, i am. I'm sick of listing all things that i need to be done while i can't even finish a single thing. Probably i just need to sleep. Sometimes it helps me getting rid of this anxious feeling of being at my worst but most of the times those feelings just come to me again when i completely thought that I've overcome with it. . it's probably just the thought that's been set inside my mind. I'm probably ok. This is probably nothing. I may be stronger than what i think i am. Perhaps.. I'm not sure myself. It's always in between.. At this point, i may be just too sensitive -slash- emotional/? I guess. Yea, I'll be that self again so it'll be just ok. . I don't even know whether I'm still alive for the next seconds. lol nobody knows. . "How are you?" "I'm feeling good." well honestly i just wanna say "im feeling... You know that feeling when you just wanna cry out loud but there isn't any tears coming out bcs even your body is already tired of you. I'm feeling like i want to jump out of my 8th floor window. I'm really not feeling ok. No, i dont need any words from you saying that I'll be ok soon and it's just a matter of times. No. I don't need that. I've told to myself those words every single minutes, that just doesn't work but it's ok. In the end, everyone dies anyways." . At this point, i really wanna sleep but idk why i just can't. It's ok, I'll figure it out myself. . Ok, I'm probably done complaining 'the life' that I've chosen myself. i dont have much time left. . Ps : i feel dizzy, i might sleep soon. Good night!

[talaxyan]

i just dont believe it

.

i dont believe in any relationship that i have with human anymore. friendship, family, school..

 i just hate it all, the more i ignore them the more i hate them.

i just don’t wanna be here anymore. i’m tired of the feeling of not wanting to leave my bed every morning, of a feeling that i just wat to pretend to be sick in order to not go to school.

i’m just tired of those fake statements they’ve been saying all this time. “it’s ok lita, you can rely on e=me. you can tell everything that you wanna say. every complaint that you have. all the problem that you just wanna get rid of. it’s ok- you have me to talk about it.”

like, fuck.

they dont even understand. no one really understand.

once, i nearly believe a person and just want to tell everything but they just- never understand.

i’m sick of people assuming that they ca help- but their a big disaster here for me.

i’m sick. i dont want to live in this life anymore.

in only i got a chance to just disappear without killing myself. i would definitely take it.

if someone is gonna shoot me in the head, i wont beg for them to let me go. otherwise, please just do it.

i’m okay.

no, i’m not writing this so people can notice it-

no..

i know, no one would ever care.

i’m done.

bye

[talaxyan]

I was human.

I wish i could just transform myself into a cyanobacteria and living in the sea.

i dont know- i think whenever i said i just wanna be a potato or bacteria, i truly meant it. i’m sick and tired.

[talaxyan]

my midnight self

i just entered my room, making sure my roomie was not there. i didn’t bother to turn the lights on. i laid myself down to my bed, wrapping my body with my my cold blanket. 

i cried, i wiped it away. i asked myself “why the heck do i keep crying with no reason?”