despite everything, its still you. tags to watch out for: #sh tw, #ed tw, #tw sui implied, #relapse tag (and both #tw self harm and #self harm tw in the past) мяне завуць Лёва ! Часам тут я паспрабую карыстацца АДК (Альтэрнатыўная і Дадатковая Комунікацыя - або AAC у англіскую мову.)
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Sent in my "referral" (application?) for ovr services finally.
I only put down autism in the disability section, but i do think there's some kind of anxiety problem working against me too. Just ... not clear what, so i didn't wanna put it down.
I *know* I'm autistic, but anything else is a little... [waves hand].
The confirmation screen said I should hear back within 10 days. Well, that's scary, too...
I don't know if I actually will though. We'll find out.
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actuallyautistic#vocational rehab#(i've never been officially diagnosed with anything so i'm not sure how that's gonna be handled)#but. becoming REAL clear that whatever else is wrong with me is only getting worse#don't wanna go anywhere - don't wanna see relative who i don't like so much - can't answer unknown (job) phone calls - also can't job text#never know what i'm supposed to do!!! what's gonna happen!!!!!!#don't like to talk so much but to be fair that's been like that for ... 2 years i think now. just stopped forcing it#bcause i had to put myself out there to learn how to be social in the first place... and i wanted to. so i did#not perfectly and i guess not much better than now but. idk.#if i could do anything it really would be about what i'm doing right now (but less stressed & more purpose)#like. actually being able to go out busking. i wanna but driving = use gas + no money; can't spend it(!!!) = wuoh fuck i can't leave house#so i'm not sure what i want out of vr other than. job i can do and get hired at#not very good on interviews or even setting them up. so. idk#networking would theoretically be able to solve this problem but i have no network to ing#(and i don't like(?) talking to people)
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Welll my 3 days of sleep schedule was nice while it lasted
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i will be trying to sleep after this just.#staying up is my fault. it is. there's no...#i was going to anyways (laundry) but. housemate back. and ... incident#i don't know. i don't know. there shouldn't be a problem.#it's my fault i'm up late.#i can't think of how to say it. it's not bad. it never is.#it's unfair to him to think of it that way. it's unfair to think that i could ask him to stop.#then what grace could be given to me? what should be?#there's too much of it [i don't know what that means]#draw it out. not keep it in. okay. so it's later (my fault i'm up late)#there's no one to blame except yourself#is that what i wanted to say?
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Eesh... just a little tiny bit longer & i'm free to slack off for the month.
The weather changed, so I did feel a bit better re: motivation, but still only 2 times fully through the routine. Well, my tosses ended up a bit weird and I was missing counts so I did some small extra chunks to try& make up for it. And the wall turn ...
Sigh.
It's only a month and then I'm going to have to figure out how to make myself minimally achieve DANCE basics as well as flag. All while... everything else in my life.
Making it fun only helps so much in that i am Not going to practice across the floors while the housemates are home. Like, full stop, not gonna happen. If the cats had unrestricted access to the basement, we might have a different story, but there's all sorts of things in the way down there, also. (& most of it taking up space actually isn't mine! Only some of it.)
The other thing is that with the heat and unrelated circumstances, even my minimal practice feels like it's been falling short. Maybe because the end is in sight, i'm already over it. I dunno.
In other news, my songbook really is almost ready to print. I had to manually reorder some pages, especially to fit 2 & 4 page songs together more compactly, but it means I'm 99% done! A little worried about how much ink it'll use since i can't check that, but... hoping it's gonna be fine. Well, and i should double-check that all the even-odd pages line up so it prints right, but that's not hard. It's so exciting...
Top surgery getting closer and closer, so I'm sortof starting to worry about it now, especially since like... she's really good at making things work. But she's not perfect, and something unexpected (bad) could always happen. Most importantly, *she doesn't know*. If I could just get an in SOMEWHERE i'd be all set!
If i could just...
Maybe it's not meant to be. I dunno.
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#colorguard#color guard#winterguard#the wording on ovr was very strict re: disability preventing from get/keep job#so i was like welllll they Probably will reject me#but. everything else is so...#i'll figure it out. i will i will.#but she thinks it's so easy when it's (clearly?) not. she'll commiserate sure - but when it comes down to it i don't think she really#understands. & doesn't have the time to help anyways so it's just me on my own(?) out here#it's a little more frustrating when i know for a fact she helped my older siblings with things like this & for me (not solely) she's just.#assuming i know everything too when i don't ...#idk. like you can learn a lot with the internet i guess i'm just annoyed that i HAVE to#this didn't turn out very guard related at all lol. well it's in the main post
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Finally doing my duty & reporting the offline mode bug in weavechat 🫡
#[adk] related#weavechat#unrelatedly my keyboard update and ? removed ?? my ability to use saluting face emoji ???#so now i have 2 go use default device keyboard for it. Why and Weird.#relatedly i proooobably should have mentioned that wc can't recognize sherpatts but .... ehhhhh i already mentioned rhvoice before when it#was bugged about that ....#at least if this is fixed i will have less hard time using it at the library#as for sherpatts... well maybe someone will make a better android app. idk.
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Sigh. Possibly checked the wrong box re: voc rehab & now i may get irrelevant emails (or worse, a ~phone call~ ) ...
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#ovr has a popup like 'you must be experiencing Substantial difficulties' so i said well ok. will you notify me#information about the other services?#apparently not 🙃 so ok.#the other option since the site is weird is that Nothing happened but i suspect that it not the case#. . . welllll it's only requesting information i Think. so mayb i will be fine#gotta finish work on my songbook.... keep running into things that aren't formatted right. and i need to decide on a font size
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Managing my time (mostly) effectively but sooo can't wait for parade season to be over. Just. Too many things to focus on
...
Also they should do studies on my consistent ability to start my day normaltime and then end it wanting Bite
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#colorguard#color guard#winterguard#<- related#managing my time right now means doing the bare minimum practice#but yknow what it hasn't gotten me yelled at yet so i'll carry on o7#almost done with the hours of work on putting together my songbook!!! almost !!!! aaa#i have like 8 songs ? maybe? left to transcribe#&then i have to decide how i'm printing. and if i'm printing all at once#it's a lot of paper... and i dont have the cool little paper slicer to help with cutting them down to size :/#halfway thinking about skipping this winter season cause. it really takes a lot out of my capacity for Other Life Hobbies#but ... i'd miss it. mostly.#thinking about guard also made me think like. u know how some people say going on t makes them less likely to cry for strong emotions?#that would be nice! i would love not being Outwardly so upset!!! unfortunately for me . the situation.#means i cant really start. esp if i wanna keep saving for surgery.#but if i can get my songbook put together well enough i will be better equipped for busking ! ! !#man all my ideal career paths really aren't gonna work out huh.#maybe i send vocational rehab asking email. since it's like the only thing i can think of now
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U know what. 2day i'm gonna do it (bring my guitar with me). Not a lot to lose at this point, not like i've found any other way ...
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#incidentally i've wanted to try busking for literal years at this point so. ?#i'm already getting commissions after like a year of dedication & so of Course the best time to start would have been earlier#but second best is always 2day! aaa !!#unfortunately for me my library of things i know has deteriorated over time of not playing & the carpal tunnel issues are just. bad.#but i'm gonna do it anyways !!! maybe not Right outside of the library cause. they already hate us for staying late on puzzles#(not really My fault but a little)#so i think they'd be like 'ur disrupting The Peace :/'#but i can walk & hopefully not lose my way#so . plan made! i'm gonna do it!! not back out!!!#should still look into chpro for making a songbook for myself... hmmm
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On mobile*:
Go to the settings page (if it's set to load in to the board first, click "back" in the upper left-hand corner)
Go into the button editor
Click "button customization". It only says "change the pronunciation [...]", but you can also change the images.
Touch and hold a button to bring up the edit menu. (For example purposes, i've gone with "am", but this can be any button really)
Click the large button that says "change" to bring up the image picker. Select an image, and...
... click the save button to save it. At this point you might have to also go back out of the edit menu, since iirc it doesn't automatically close.
So, steps 4-6 can be repeated to change the images as you want to :-)
Once you're done the board will take a little while to load back in, and the images may not appear changed right away — this should be *fine*, it just means you might have to quit and re-open the app to see all of the changes.
(Since i prefer arasaac's image set, though, i changed most of these on weavechat connect on my computer, which took less time overall i think. But making a walkthrough for that would be a little more involved ^^;;)
The weavechat youtube channel may also have a video on changing images somewhere, i'm not 100% sure.
*or a tablet i suppose; i assume the interface wouldn't change
Does anyone have any tips for customizing aacs? I wanna make mines fully customized with cute emotes but Idk how or how to change the pre-existing ones :[ (I use weavechat)
#weavechat#[adk] related#hoping this is helpful 🫡 at least a little#completely replacing all of the images is - currently - a very time-consuming task.#i know there's a plan including some sort of symbol set... marketplace ? thing ??#but since they're still finalizing the spanish language translation+grammar & adding other languages in alpha & who knows what else#it may be a while before that shows up (if at all?)
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Side of my head fucking HURTS
i've got things to do, man...
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#keep mistyping things which makes me want to Bite#well not that serious. but annoying.#like . my head.#i can only hope 2morrow i will feel well cause i have things 2 do as stated in post#... really hurts though ...... idk why :5#trying 2 sleep for the record but. head hurt. so not very conducive to sleep.#mayb it's related to my ear issues again. that would be fun (not really)#but i really do need 2 sleep so. ... ... ... ya. posting. trying again to sleep. goodnight (hopefully)
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💔 i tracked down ds talker to it's exact forum post where it was released but none of the download links work... well partially cause i had to internet archive it. Still though
#[adk] related#the other ds one is TapToTalk which was more proprietary in that they seem to have had an actual game cartridge...#so. no luck on that front. ds talker was homebrew but it was also from 2007 so. if anyone else can find it i would be very interested XD#i'm tempted to try and make a program myself but my programming knowledge is VERY limited in scope and real programming is very.#difficult to comprehend. let alone go about making a completely new app that could be GOOD...#if i make it it will exist but it will be mediocre-to-bad on the spectrum. so. hmmmm.#i'm calling it an app already but for 3ds it would be an entire program ...
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Feeling kinda like i did when i had that ear problem a couple months ago & couldn't do anything for like 2 days (at least)
...
So not great.
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#crossing my fingers & hoping it's just the (no) food but. not so good.#to be fair it Could have been a general illness but it was like either an infection or something really stuck in there i don't know#what i DO know is that i spent day 1 trying to play ena but feeling Very Ill and then day 2 doing a lot of laying down & not playing ena#cause i thought ena gave me motion sickness at first but that was not it.#i suppose i will go see if i can try to remedy this issue. if not though i will simply suffer
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I think i used to know how to draw better & now i don't anymore
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#?#the overall skill has gone up (surprise myself whenever draw something) but . . .#well i don't know. it's late. clearly i have other shit going on. just ... not worry about it i guess. *going to
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[Man who routinely stays up until 2am voice] why am i not asleep
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#insomnia how i've [not] missed you#like i don't WANNA be tired all the time but still awake + game + ??? & i'm so. -1 -1 -1#thinking about a lot and not so much. idk.#i have... i'm not gonna relapse at this point. probably. i'm NOT going to do it.#even if i wanted to it's such a ... conscious? decision?#but the idea; the image of it won't leave my head#(... all i know / how to do for you ...)#i just don't know how to fix anything. it's all too little too late.#... not too late. i have the better part of a year still.#but then - ANYTHING could happen#sidenote what the hell is he doing that the tv is so loud. put that shit on mute man.#idk i've been derailed. the situation could become wildly worse or resolve itself into being better is what i'm saying.#and there's NO way to know which i do not like#i just... have a hard time conceptualizing that changes could happen. and what they mean.#i'm just making it through one day at a time CONSTANTLY and i'm still so tired and everything is just ...#. . . so. I'm not thinking about it. generally.#but... well; it's not getting any easier anyways.#if i could break out of it then maybe. maybe. but i care too much. just about anything (but about nothing)#maybe i post this &then try to sleep again. or something.
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If want to be not eepy go sleep now vs can finally read book ...
...
Can read my book 2morrow also though. Hmm.
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#already sortof giving up on my networking attempts this week cause i'm just SO tired and also Events keep happening#sortof giving up on job.... well. i still need one quite literally. for the income#but. demoralizing even TRYING to look at job postings. like i feel like i'm gonna cry lol#not ... sure where that comes from.#anyways idk. ruined my voice but purposefully this time cause i was singing#wonder if it is not a voice 'drop' per say but simply ~maturing~ cause i know that sort of thing happens ...#well. who knows. feeling bad and all the food i eat is a little bad#and just. still tired. all the time.#well i will also say the constant mild sore throat is not helping matters. make it more difficult to talk.#uhm ... well ... hmmm. win of the day is singing while roommate home i guess.#singing my emo songs i wrote.. let him wonder (there is something wrong with me)#actually though even though i know how sound travels in this house he seems less noise sensitive so mayb he didn't know.#that's unlikely really.#idk. it does feel nicer to have an outlet for everything but nothing EXPRESSES it. cause i can't play to that level...#well. whateverrrr man i shouldn't care anyways.#we ARE going to be the same in the end i can feel it. is this how you wanted your life to go? ...#tbh idk how i'm gonna get there first though bcause despite saying that . she probably yes has contributed to the anxiety of leave house#unintentionally for sure but. hmm. not great.#i keep forgetting it's artfight too... wanna do artfight but so tired and busy all the time. augh
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"Why am i so tired" asks man who routinely stays up until 2am
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#thinking ... maybe life would be nicer if i could let myself use aac the way i do all day#but ofcourse since i am really fully verbal it's not like ... idk. the reasons i dont are mostly like. things that#...? that aac users Have to deal with. &so i have the convenience(?) of not dealing with any of that bcause i can just use my voice#sigh. my phrasing sounds aggressive but i'm not trying 2 be ...#anyways it's been like a week of waking up with that sortof sore throat and it's not really getting better#so idk if i'm secretly a little sick or if my voice is dropping (doubt but u never know with me) or if i'm just.#talking too much from what i'm used to.#or sleep talking i do wonder about#but then i'd be embarrassed(?) about sleeping . . .#anyways why is it like monday again that's practically wednesday. time has ceased to have meaning
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Did everything i need to today + some fun things (game, artfight modelling) but... not enough it feels like. I'm just so tired...
I guess i should just try to go to bed since, there's some things i think i'm doing tomorrow ? But... idk. Should be practicing more and right now it's hard to find out when/where is best for that.
Want a good way to 'schedule' out my day but haven't quite gotten there yet. Of course all my reminders are set up, but i stopped the notification for practice since i wasn't doing it/was sleeping in too late for it to matter.
But it's been a year & ½ (more or less...) since then. & i have a reason to be dedicated to it. So... when to put it in my day?
...
Hmmm.
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#mostly this is actually about me being SO FUCKING TIRED#in THEORY i'm getting a good minimum baseline of sleep but past a certain point i can't really sleep in cause i dont like The People of it#or like... feed my cats and go back to sleep. cause to be fair i was doing that for a while! but now i like ... can't.#well i probably could but it takes more time so by that point i'd be like. may as well stay up.#idk. maybe it's how tired i am but i feel like i can't focus too well on games or like anything....#[looks at hours spent 3d modelling] well that is not entirely true#i don't know how to explain it i think i'm just. so tired.#and already sortof overstimulated 2day...... lot of things going into it. but i was ok.#idk i was just like looking in the mirror and said Yeah you sure can see the dark circles of sleeplessness#i always look like that a little i guess but. more tired. sitting with people going Tired. modelling going . Tired. Want to sleep but...#want to do things. &also taking a nap is . process.#i remember for a little while i was taking naps in the afternoon.... i wonder if i've ever gotten enough sleep#well anyways. thinking about ways to schedule my day but i am Too Tired to think about restructuring it XD#part of the problem is if i have Nothing (mostly) to do it stresses me out. like i think too much.#i don't have... idk. maybe the capacity to be bored? or to create? both maybe.#had Novel Food experiences 2day though so that was nice.#like nothing i havent had before just. out of the ordinary for our current situation#man i feel like there's more to say but. just too tired. maybe there's nothing else 2#*2 say ...#maybe i should go to bed and be on my phone and pretend to sleep#it'll work eventually
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I'm so explosion !!!!!! (Positive)
I learned метель today and apparently that lesson has когда твоя девушка больна at the end , and get this : I have been playing the fiška(?) wrong this entire time! what I remembered seeing and what it actually was were two different things ... four years I have been playing it wrong. now it sounds so much better!
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#лёва паспрабуе АДК#first paragraph block was typed rest was [adk]#fiška is just thing. but like i mean a specific different word than fiška. perebor mayb? i don't know the words in english#(which is funny bcause en is my first language)#but ya it always sounded weird and i didn't like playing it but now !!! better!!! correct!!!!!!#unrelatedly i forgot again to practice flag. oops ...#i just don't want to leave guitar too long cause learning left handed is important 2 me now i have a correct guitar for it#and i know it will take A Year to git gud
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