teachlearnrant

[teachlearnrant]

Forgetting why I teach - My story

So I have created this blog as an inspirational and motivational source to carry on teaching. I am in my third year of teaching and last year was rough. 

So lets start at the beginning... NQT year. As a chemistry specialist, I was asked to teach physics, not a problem, should be able to teach any science right?

Felt I had little to no support on teaching physics (apart from one amazing technician) , no resources available etc. I persevered though and taught to the best of my ability with the promise of teaching chemistry next year. The year went by and several observations (at good with outstanding elements) passed. I felt the year was as good as can be. Passed with ‘flying colors’ is what I was told.

Fast forward to the summer, was approached and asked if I could please teach 2 groups biology next year (one being an exam group) due to a member of staff being on maternity leave. I agreed with the condition, when said staff member returned I October they would take over the biology classes so I can be left to teach chemistry. 

Cue the beginning of my second year teaching. 

September/October - Taught as normal, October half term approached and received an email. ‘ (redacted) will be back next week to take over the GCSE biology class, please make sure the class are up to date with rota etc’

Perfect I thought, No more biology! A chance to really develop my teaching now rather than subject knowledge. 

Side note - I taught this GCSE biology class on a Tuesday afternoon.

So on Monday I had a meeting with member of staff on her return from maternity, wiith seating plan, rota etc ready to hand over class.

Jokes. Never Mind.

The day before the lesson, I was told ‘we thought it would be a good idea if we team teach the group as further support in your early teaching career’ I very begrudgingly accepted. I had to teach that first lesson and then we set up a rota for team teaching etc.

The following week I met with the member of staff returning from maternity, (we will call her Bio Teacher). Bio teacher explained to me that the school no longer wanted us to team teach and I was to carry on teaching with bio teacher observing the lesson each week for ‘support’

So it has now gone from ‘ teach biology just until October’ to ‘your lessons are going to be  taken by bio teacher’ to ‘ we’ll team teach’ to ‘ you’ll teach and I will inflict great stress by observing and criticize you teaching a subject you're not specialized in every week’

Now I was not very happy with this situation so had lots of communication with various people about this stopping.

Then one Friday afternoon, I was told ‘ we didn't want to tell you this and cause more stress but the reason this is happening is because of some behavior management issues that got brought up from last year (NQT year). So we would like you to undergo this coaching for 6 weeks and have an official observation at the end.

excuse me what?

Had a breakdown over weekend, thought things through and was ready to go back on Monday to defend myself with:

- Positive behavior management observations from last year

- Emails about high expectations from senior leadership team

- My NQT report that stated behavior as a strong point

School backtracked and said ‘ well, when we said behavior management we might have worded it wrong.’ What we really mean is

- Too many kids going to the toilet in my lesson

- I am sat down too much

- Some kids have jumpers still on

Seriously this is why I am being observed and ripped apart every week?!

Now, I know I still have a lot to learn, and actually that biology group was an absolute nightmare to get them to behave ( more discussion on that later). but if that was truly the reason, I could fix that overnight without any fuss. When mentioning this, I was shut down and told this is happening.

So a few weeks passed, Teaching this nightmare of a group (worst kids I have ever taught for behavior) the. everything finally just gets too much. It started with intense nausea and throwing up on the morning of the lesson. I have been  diagnosed with GAD from about 14 years of age so I instantly recognized the beginning of this spiral.  Extra pressure was mounting up and up from various sources but this was the main source. It soon moved on from being sick over the weekend worrying about it to basically only getting reprieve for maybe the 15 min after the lesson before the feedback. Then one morning I could not myself down, I knew I had to see someone.

Doctor upped my dosage on my anxiety medicine, which had taken me 4 years to get to the dosage I was on, It felt like 4 years of progress completely erased. In fact it felt like 10 years of progress had been erased.

The doctor also signed me off for 6 weeks for stress and anxiety. For the first 3 weeks I still could not settle down, I started looking at other options for jobs, In my mind that was it, I would not be going back to school under any circumstances. I was not cut out for teaching. I was done. I had maybe a week or two of not feeling sick before the anxiety began creeping back in at the idea of going back. After discussing with my wife, the decision was I can't quit teaching right now, We would have no money for rent, bills etc. I would go back and try again, but would quit if it got too much. 

So first week back - I cried my eyes out every single morning. I threw up every single morning. I did find as the day went on It did get better. I decided to just stick it out. Then the whole Tuesday observation started up again. It was a struggle because I was beginning to love teaching my other lessons again. but this one day a week was stopping me from functioning. 

A few weeks later COVID became a thing and shut schools down. I was so happy and relieved, I no longer had observations weekly. I won’t go on about lockdown much other than I was no longer anxious about this group. 6 Months passed. Schools were to reopen once more.

Apart from the anxiety surrounding covid, I found myself actually looking forward to teaching again. I could put last year behind me completely.I was just teaching chemistry. I was hopeful once again.

First week back teaching was amazing. No feeling sick, No crying about going in. It was very positive and I was really excited about my career ahead.

and then the email came form bio teacher...

‘can we meet up next week to discuss coaching and your observation and where we go next’

Here we go again. I felt the dread seeping its way back in. But with a positive outlook I thought just do it. Do the observation that will end this coaching session business. Do it and put the past behind. So an observation was agreed for two weeks time. 

In those two weeks - I was very happy, My lessons had been going well. I was ready for this observation and to put the past behind. (side note- in this two weeks there was also uproar from other teachers who taught the biology group saying they were unteachable etc. This did validate my feelings a little)

So observation, I tried to include a lot of tactics that the observer herself advertises (yes I was sucking up a little but I wanted this to go well) This observation felt like make or break to me. Either it goes well and the past if truly out down and I could try and move on and be happy in teaching, or it would crumble and I  would spiral again. I knew I was not strong enough to spiral again. I could not do that again. I would leave teaching for good without looking back. 

Observation happened. I thought it went pretty good and went about the rest of my day. Relief seeping in that this was well and truly the end. I met with the observer that afternoon and boy was I wrong. 

Or was I?

So it began with some strengths, for maybe 5 mins which are listed below:

- High expectations and behavior management ( yup you heard right)

- Cold calling was excellent, ensuring no student could answer with ‘I don’t know’

-  Tasks were great with good modeling.

Then came the 20 min talk of my faults and weakness’ 

- No learning objective shared

- What was the point of the starter task (bear in mind this was one of her own techniques!!!!!!!! WTF)

- No Deep Questioning ( which tbf I really would like to get better at so I will work my hardest on that)

So you might be thinking ok, no big deal, some positives, some negatives, and maybe I'm just being too sensitive but the whole conversation left me incredibly deflated and ready to give up once more. The concentration on my flaws was how much of that time was spent. So I went home, cried, ate takeaway, and mentally quit teaching again. I have no idea whether this truly is the end of the ‘coaching’ with bio teacher or not.

It is Sunday now, and I am feeling incredibly anxious about going back to work. If this truly is the end of coaching as agreed, then I would really love to work on my deeper questioning.

If coaching and weeks observations begin again.

Then I 100% well and truly will quit teaching forever. There is no way I can put that above my mental health ever again.