teefstoelapt2222

[teefstoelapt2222]

One thing that actually terrifies me is the idea of David falling out of love with me and it being all my fault for not being a better partner. I think I may be in my lowest self esteem moment that I’ve ever had in my entire life and unfortunately that just kills me.

[teefstoelapt2222]

Today I feel okay. 6/10. Normal, average day.

It’s a Wednesday - David’s surgery is tomorrow. I am finding that the best way to pour from my cup is to fill it first. I am a giver. Naturally, I am a giver. I do not know boundaries sometimes and that results in me feeling frustrated and burnt out. The key to this is taking care of myself and making it a priority.

Make self care a priority.

Three things I’m grateful for:

1.) Being a Canadian citizen and living in Canada. David’s surgery happening quickly relative to the day that he got his injury.

2.) My cpap - ngl it changed everything for me.

3.) Mental clarity after a really low period of time. The depressive episodes hit me everyday. I still get my bouts of depression, which happen in clusters more often than not, but I feel so much more liberated when I know I’m treating myself the way I deserve to be treated.

Things that would make today great:

Getting my errands done, seeing them as part of my self care and making them mandatory when I need to do them.

It sets the tone for the week.

Affirmation:

I am beautiful and accomplish everything I set mymind to.

I know my value as a human and am aware when others project their perceptions of me onto me.

I am a go getter.

[teefstoelapt2222]

I think I’m really good at identifying and catering to every person’s needs

and I think that Dad needs mom as much as mom needs dad. Mom keeps him company.

and I know that I always ask David to come with me. I think dad’s love language is acts of service and quality time, too. But not a kind of quality time that has a lot of pressure.

I remember when we went to the movies as kids with mom and dad.

That was the most intentional dates.

Ikea dates. Sunday mass.. I remember going to 10:30 and 6:30pm mass. It was the ritual. It was what my inner child remembers. It remembers St. Paul’s when the church was connected to the Parish by walkway.

I think about how I’m going to live and how I’m going to die

I think and I remember what it was like to be a kid

[teefstoelapt2222]

Forever a daddy’s girl.

I don’t ever want to even imagine a life without him in it.

[teefstoelapt2222]

you do not get access to me like how you did before

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Half habit, half in care, I’ll check up. What does it mean for me? What does it do for me? Absolutely nothing. Dopamine maybe? Who knows. My brain’s wired weird.

Being in a long term relationship isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

social media isn’t how its put out to be, but there are people in the world who really have it good.

that said, i love my man. through sickness and health. i still hope that he chooses me.

[teefstoelapt2222]

the day and night comparison and a very magical rooftop deck.

[teefstoelapt2222]

Life feels so overwhelming. I feel like I get shit on for my finances daily.

[teefstoelapt2222]

Everytime that I find myself spiralling into this void of endless thought, your name is somehow put into the mix.

So I remind myself that healing is never linear, and that compassion is the best way to target the overall feeling of hopelessness that thinking of you gives me. I feel like I’m holding onto your shadow: a figure I’ve built based on my perception of you from the snippets I got from late November. Every time I am confronted with the fact that I am a continuous thought being pushed to the side, I remember that I, too, am doing the same with every thought that I have of you. I am learning to accept this and still struggle with it to this day; just because things could be different does not necessarily mean they could be better.

That said, David and I went to the gym yesterday and I took an edible beforehand. I find that the gummies high in CBD help with my motivation a lot, strangely, but I also think that I might just be telling myself that (?) to justify the fact that edibles help me feel less sad and more motivated. I guess that’s the dopamine doing what it’s designed to do. I’m trying my best to be cognizant of the addictive effects that weed can have on someone like me who is consistently depressed/unmotivated but what gets me is the (ironic) mental clarity? I experienced an empty mind yesterday, and clarity feels incredibly refreshing. Thoughts are constantly passing through my mind, so to have that clarity - that silence - for those few moments - felt incredibly foreign, yet comforting. Needed. I suppose I can replicate those same effects through meditation.. but the adhd chatter makes it difficult for my brain to focus on one thing at a time and I do feel like I’m trying to catch up with every bit of sensory input that life throws at me.

Anyways, I get another chance today and that’s wonderful. I get to exercise, smell the fresh air, and clean my room.

Right after this 15 minute nap LOL

[teefstoelapt2222]

At some point, Dad stopped talking to me like I was a child

At what age am I to be until I am taken seriously?

I’m in my late twenties right now not realizing that my early twenties were a ride.

Auntie Tiffany’s best friend from university stopped being friends over a boy.. maybe high me is a little too ambitious for her good. or. maybe high tiffany knows what your deepest self always wants.

My high self looks at my sagging face and grimaces but what did she think? In her twenties she thought she could stay young, be young, look young forever.

I look at you

[teefstoelapt2222]

I’m almost 28 and look at my aging face with horror and sadness. I do not take care of myself, and I bounce between “nothing changes unless you do” to “fuck it. I don’t care about myself. I’m destined to stay ugly forever” frequently. Actually, definitellllly a frequent flyer for the latter hah.

Life feels incredibly bitter sweet. I am quickly realizing how constantly ugly I’ve been feeling lately, and how desperately I want to lose weight. I am ashamed to admit how much I have let myself go and there is so much guilt and shame associated with that. My higher self knows that this is because I am basing my self worth on this - this is true.

Nobody talks about how hard it is to not recognize yourself in the mirror sometimes because of how difficult life is getting, and how all of it is getting to you right now. It hurts to look at myself and not like what I see. I do not think I will ever see myself in a more positive light until I weigh 50 pounds lighter and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing right now.

[teefstoelapt2222]

Self Compassion in a Changing World

Do east asian cultures ingrain inherently racist points of view

the short answer is: yes.

the long answer: yes. why? because many of our home countries are colonized.

generational racism has been making increased appearances in my life as of lately. i have observed that my two vietnamese friends have made remarks about brown people more than anyone else i’ve known. and then i realize that statement, alone, is racist. how i am a racist, you are a racist, literally, everyone has created their generalizations because it’s just easier for the brain to process information that way. and it humanizes us. it makes us human and therefore we acknowledge that humans are indeed racist but are changing our ways and rewiring the way we think. then it doesn’t become as uncomfortable to talk about anymore - there’s no shame for calling someone out when it’s nothing more than a reminder. it becomes easier. and all it took was a mindset change. who knew?

do u wanna know what racism is? it’s when you make a statement about someone based on their ethnic background

the statement “brown people are stinky” is a racist statement because it assumes a fact about someone’s hygiene based on the fact that they are brown, alone. and i have been noticing it now, redundantly, more than ever that they are the group most racially targeted here in BC and (perhaps) the world(?) and it makes me fucking sad.

My best friends are brown. A lot of them are. I’ve gone to school in Kwantlen, in Surrey, BC, a predominantly indian suburb of Vancouver. I’ve learned a thing or two about bleaching skin and wanting to be a lighter colour in Filipino culture. It’s just scary how we idolize all these things for reasons that we won’t know until we reflect on them.

..

All this to say that i fear that my partner’s comments have often influenced me. I catch myself sometimes and I do what I can; I think it just bothers me when he says that they are facts

because i remember my brown friends telling me how they would bleach their skin with acid equivalents

And I ask myself

How do their lived experiences compare?

[teefstoelapt2222]

I can be sad, right? I can be sad. I can disappear into the void and forget that this ever existed.

This too shall pass.

[teefstoelapt2222]

Read this when you’re sober - Entry 2

Hey, it’s me. Your high(er) self. I know what’s the matter and why it’s hard for you to care and it’s because you don’t love yourself enough to. But I want you to remember she still lives in you.

She lives in you, girl. She loves art and she loves dance. What happened?

It’s so funny because I picture me as a 6 year old brat and at this time I don’t think my elder self would be able to handle her.. LMFAO. but thinking back i think that she just wanted love. So do it for the little girl here who wants to keep dancing. All the past versions of you that exist.

Love yourself and take care of this body. It has seen so many old versions of you. Your body deserves better. The five year old in you deserves. better. Your future self. deserves. better.

You are in tune with your higher self.

You are experiencing an ego death right now. You realize that you are the only person stopping you from loving yourself right now. You’ve done your deep reflecting and realized that you do not take care of yourself enough simply because you do not care. about. yourself.

and you’re thinking of 6-7 year old tiffany now.

you’re neglecting you and her every time you choose to do something you know will keep you happier and healthier. are you sure about that? because she doesn’t deserve that, doesn’t she? that’s not very fair.

your eyelids feel heavy and every time you close your eyes you remember what it felt like to be a free spirit, soaring in outer space. an out of body experience - what we felt. was nothing. it was bliss and serenity and quiet and loud all at once.

i can’t believe my little human brain can think and feel all these things. isn’t that so silly and special? how capable this tongue is of both creation and destruction?

i hope and pray that my future daughter is granted the luxury of having mentally sound parents.

i hope she never feels what it is like to look in the mirror and hate what she sees. i hope she never pinches her chin fat, or gets anxious being seen in public because she fears people will see her and - talk about weight gain.

I hope she knows that I’d love her regardless if she does.

[teefstoelapt2222]

Do U Still Think About Me?

[teefstoelapt2222]

Affirmations

I truly hope that my name doesn’t bring you any pain. I hope that you think of me on February 15th coming up, and even if you don’t, I hope that you only have positive memories to recall of me.

I’ve done so much healing since the last time I spoke with you, and it’s crazy to think about the amount of growth that I’ve done to be where I am today. maintaining this distance seems to be for the best; thinking of the what ifs no longer serves me. I am happy with this path that I’ve chosen, this man that loves me for who I am, and this beautifully crafted life that I get to be a part of.

I choose not to be sad about what has not happened.

I accept responsibility for the choices that make sense to me.

Every beautiful person that crosses my path is a result of the choices I’ve made.

EMDR taught me to be kind to the 15 year old girl inside of me. She still lives within me. Being kind to myself is how I can be kind to her, too. I can be the person that she needs me to be. I think I’m ready to do that for myself.

When I think about the life that I planned out it doesn’t at all line up with the life I’m living now but that’s the point, I think. We never truly know what life throws at us and I think that’s a really cool thing: it’s ever changing.

Grateful to be the girl that I am today.

[teefstoelapt2222]

Getting Better

- What you do or don’t do is none of my business.

This too shall pass.