tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

I'm Back to Writing, But I'm not sure I'm okay

TW: Self Harm , Mental Health 

My Daughter just turned one. My sweetest little Rose has grow so much in this last year.

I have too. For the first period of time in my life Home is Safe. I come home knowing that I am loved and I am Safe. I grew up with unpredictable parents who decided to have 5 children. I went right from that environment to college. I have bachelors degree in Art and Anthropology. I did that while working two or three Jobs. My last Semester I was pregnant with my daughter. She was planned so we would have a baby after I graduated. We got Married. I Graduated. We moved states to be back home with family. My Husband and I started a business. Our daughter was born.

The post partum depression hit bad.

Then Covid forced me to do something I have never done before. Slow the Fuck Down.

The busy kept the memories away. It made my past my own set of amusing anecdotes. Now Mood swings had me seeing my parents in myself. I found my self sitting up in the greenhouse with a sharpie in own hand and a razor blade in the other. I wanted my daughter to have better than me and I want my husband to have better than me. I scrawled on the wooden beam in front of me “I Love You Just Not Myself”. I sat there for a long time with tears streaming down my face staring at that razor blade, before I used It to carve the note away. 

I went inside held my daughter for a long time. Made Dinner. Then got an appointment to try a different antidepressant. 

That was 3 or 4 maybe 5 antidepressants ago. I’m not sure after awhile it all just blends into a sea of hazy over and under medicated distant memories  I wouldn't say I'm better. The Meds just don't work so I guess no Meds. For now. That sucks too. 3 and a half years I’ve been Medicated. Now I guess its time to try something else.  Here I am writing again. It can’t be bad forever right? 

It has to get better 

If not today than tomorrow

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

Love Story .... Almost

When I was in kindergarten my family got selected to get a habitat home along with two other families, the three families would live side by side at the end  of a road in a developing neighborhood. My mother helped build the house in spite of my 2nd sister’s impending arrival and I switched schools at the start of first grade. The neighbors were nice they had two sons one the age of my new sister the other three years older than me. My mother became friend’s with them and my sister and their youngest son grew up together sharing kisses and weddings from the time they could talk. Their love story is not the subject of this post in spite of it being cut short when the family moved away when the two were entering middle school. 

I first want to say I sorry mom for the never telling you... 

The spring after we moved into the house we all would play together the game was treasure island and we would fly around the universe looking for the best junk. During one of these games my sister got called inside and the elder son pined my newly graduated from 1st grade self against a wall and crammed his tounge down my throat. I didn't like it he tasted dirty and was way too salivated. I tried to push him off but I wasn't strong enough and when he was done sticking his tounge down my throat he told he not to tell either one of our parent because they would be mad. The summer progressed and so did the tongue down my young throat and I told myself to like it, like him because it was easier. 2nd grade came and I made friends with two girls, told them I kissed a boy. I was so far in my delusion that I told them I french kissed a boy and it was great. They made fun of me and I told myself that's what friends ; they make fun of each other. The 2nd grade turned into summer and the boy next door shoved my hand down his pants to touch a worm in a nest of fur. He moved my hand over the fur, I didn't want to. My dad came around the house and told us to come sit by the fire in the front yard, little did he know he saved me. My parent thought we had a blossoming innocent boy next door relationship, they encouraged it. I couldn't say no  because what would I tell them and I didn't have other friends on our block so who would I play with. I forced myself to have a crush on him to like him , and at the end of that summer he started telling me about this girl his own age that he liked. One time he told me and then shove his tounge between my teeth immediately after. I scowled. He said what are you jealous? Later that week he tried again... I felt strong ... I said no. His response is so ingrained in my mind I do not think I will ever forget it. “Why won’t you make love to me anymore?” I dont remember the rest of the conversation but he left. 

When third grade started the two girls from the year before told me they never liked me anyway and I had no one. Not even the terrible boy from next boy... so I crushed on him as a familiar face to sooth my depression. 

My 13th birthday rolls around and I have new friend she gave me a cloth with kiss prints all over it. I hung it over my window. The boy next door came by to wish me a happy birthday and escape his over bearing parents. He asks ,after entering my room without asking, if in each lip print is the name of a boy I kissed. I replied “no I have only ever kissed you”. He glared a paranoid look in his eyes shh dont say that to loud how have you told. I say no one he replies good keep it that way. 

When I was a freshman in high school I got into a play where I had to kiss someone one stage. My mother made a big deal about my first kiss being for a performance ... I wanted to tell her then. 

When I was a sophomore my first real boyfriend kissed me on the front step after my first real date I went inside and mom asked why I looked so happy. I lied and told her I had had my first real kiss ... I wanted to tell her then.

When I was a senior I wanted so badly to just lose my virginity and the boy next door had returned home from the army for a month or so. I had a lapse of judgment and made out with the boy almost all the way but thankfully someone came downstairs. As I was leaving he said “Perhaps you still have some of those feelings for me that you did when we were kids”. Under my breath I said “yeah maybe”. He took a long draw from a cigarette and I scurried home ... I wanted to tell her then. 

I’m a junior in college now and I have come to terms with the fact that he molested me. He is probably the reason I have relationship issues ect. He returned to our home town recently and my mother called me to tell me how sad it was that none of his friend were there and that he cant seem to find a girl he likes. I thought that its funny if we got together for real now him shoving his tounge down my thorat when we were kids would be told as a love story that started young. I should of told my mother then. 

I wont tell her though not yet, I'm not ready and telling this story here was hard enough. 

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

reminded

It seems so long ago now that the man broke my heart , I feel a need to thank him for the opportunity to love another. I have to admit how ever that I saw a photo today of the girl he left me for. So beautiful ... so worldly ... so everything I am not. It was captioned “all I have ever wanted” It popped up in a news feed I thought I blocked. To be clear I don't want him back I never have and never will but that caption drew my own inadequacies to the surface like a knife draws blood. I will never be that perfect for anyone no matter how much I Love, because I'm too broken ...  breakable for anyone. You know what he said when he left me it’s burned in my mind like a scar “I just don't want to be a relationship right now and need to work on myself”. That lie ... That lie .. That lie! It was a lie!!! I was nothing more than the other women. Now all I do is worry when my best friend is going to find someone better just like the liar did. How long till I'm alone again and there is nothing again. The man I love now he actually says it back but honestly i'm too broken to believe him. I'm to broken to think my happiness ... our happiness ... that happiness could possible, be real. I know that if I tell the man I love about the liar he will pull he into his arms and kiss my forehead saying nothing just letting me cry. He is everything I need ... Everything I Love ... Everything I want. The Liar can rot with a thank you from me because I have all I have ever wanted, but a bag of insecurities over flowing with worry.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

Trouble is Paradise and

I can't sleep because I'm thinking about how I steam roll people. He was complaining about the other roommate was telling him he needs to get a job even though he is taking a bit of time to work in art for a festival coming. He is right and his art is lucrative too but he had all summer. He thinks that summer had to have laying around in it and even though he had ever other day off he didn't have time to do art because he needed time to lay around. I love him but he is a procrastination and I told him that. I told him that if. He really was serious then he would have been out there making art on his days off. I literally work everyday and on the days when I have the morning off I clean and do laundry, but not everyone is me. I told him that too. I love him but he can be lazy if I could be lazy to then I wouldn't get so upset with him for wanting to take it easy. He had the money to do it but maybe that is the thing I've never had the money to just sit still and do nothing. Now I'm up on the couch instead of in bed with him because I'm over thinking why I'm mad at him and why he should be mad at me. I'm so frustrated that I want to cry but that would only make the situation about me again and that doesn't fix the issue. I want him to focus on his art but if I don't hound him then he won't do anything because he has the option for his mommy to pay his rent for him. And they is the problem again a difference is the budgets of our upbringing. I'm too proud to let her pay it but if he doesn't focus on either a job or art then I have to swallow my pride. I love him so I'm trying not to steam-roll him into submission with what I want. I love him so why is it so hard.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

Roommates

I have literally the worst roommate she is the embodiment of a hypocrite. We were friends once and then she wished for me to be her mother or some shit. She is home the most of anyone and cleans the least. Everything I do is not good enough because its not the way her mum does it but I'm still doing the grocery shopping and making sure all the bills get paid. granted she pays me for all this but not in advance only after and I have to ask. I am her mum now and every time I set up boundaries it turns into some sort of contest with her mental stability or her past. She is to much like my mum when she was abusive and to much like my sister in all her unstable glory. She is to much like the past I have tried so hard to bury. She has pains a thing I understand but with her it is always a contest to see whos pain is worst a game I do not wish to play. She once accused me of having a low pain tolerance because having chronic pain is part of my Ehlers Danlos and when I told her it was quite the opposite she said well you must be wrong. When I told her that taking care of her is not something I can do for my own mental stability she said something along the lines of yeah that makes sense by mine is worse than yours. Its not a competition, I'm trying so hard to understand her but the more I try the more I just want her out of the house. She tells everyone that living together is going great, I just wish I would have relized her lack of maturity and toxicity sooner because her is not healthy for me.

If anyone reads this I'm sorry for my disjointed thoughts I have been needing to get this out for awhile but I had to figure out how  to write my feelings without hurting hers. I know she needs support not my frustrated attitude toward her but I need to write to stop being angry

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

The Future

We moved in together and ive never been more sure. I have always known he was my human, that we were destined to be part of each others lives in a big way. I have started writing him post cards when I'm away for work or just when I find one that I like. Im keeping them in a shoe box that he will never look in. I want to remember ever moment of how much I love him. I will give him the shoebox at some point in the future. I'm sure he will find them at some point but that's okay they just a tangible representation of my love  for him. I hate fighting with him so we never do for long. But we fight and get annoyed.. we are people. We are each others people and that's what makes the difference. One year down and many more years of making people sick with  our love to go.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

Everything has Changed

Last week I signed my first lease with a man I love, we signed the lease on the house with a beautiful yard and beautiful walls that will nurture troubled souls. A place were all are welcome and hearts can never be upset. 

Last year at this time I got out of an abusive relationship that I was to far into to see how much it hurt. He was not a good man and I knew better than the bruises on skin and blows to my already tattered soul.

Last time I allowed others to dictate my ability to have fun was 2 years ago. After I was rejected as a prom date 4 times and I went anyway. I had fun in red pumps looking better than them all

Last time I tried to take my life was 7 years ago , I couldn't cut deep enough because all I could think of was my 4 younger siblings stuck in the hostile environment that we called home with out me. I was suppose to get out of there and be a beacon for them so I did.

In the day to day It seems as though nothing has changed because the change to slow , gradual, forever trudging on. Looking back everything has changed when I look back in ten years what will I remember that really matters --- not the power bills or missed birth controls pills, but love and the feet of time forever marching on.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.

Emily Dickinson (via wordsnquotes)

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

Global Warming is Fake

Global warming is not a problem, it's cold sometimes so that proves it. I once saw a snowflake and it was the most beautiful thing. It had six sides and it has to be cold to create such a beauty. It has been a long time since i have been able to built a snowman with the snow but that is because weather is cyclic and it is just a warm year. Humans have nothing to do with the planet being particularly warm this year, just like we have nothing to do with animal extinction. Some animals are just pussies that don't know how to survive anymore … that's not humanity's fault. Don't even get me started on water. I mean if people are still living in flint then the water must not be that bad, or the water was never bad to begin with. Ughh come on people stop pretending to know things.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

women are weak

Women are just weaker than men it’s a fact. So it just naturally makes sense that men would decide how women use their uterus’. I mean the uterus only exist so that men can make more men and men can take over the world with their superior manpower. Why would a women ever want to be equal when they could stay home and make delicious cake in their favorite place : the kitchen. I mean cake is great and everyone loves it so women should feel privileged that they get to make cake for the must stronger men. Also like why would a  women ever want to not have children it's not like overpopulation is a problem. Experts say overpopulation is just conspiracy created by  idiots who don't understand the amount of resources we have.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

Rewrite on Politics

I propose to you a way to fix all the world’s problems such as : world hunger, obesity, conflicting politicians, population growth, and war. The answer is simple--a single political power for the entire world. Not total world domination for one person, but rather a unique type of dictatorship. This type of dictatorship is called a tri-tatorship. A tri-tatorship is much like a dictatorship, but instead of one leader, there are 3 leaders with equal power. The tri-tatorship serves three purposes. The first is that each head in the tri-tatorship has a specialized field. One will specialize in weapons, one in politics, and the other in civil issues. The second purpose of the tri-tatorship is that each head will aide in keeping the other two grounded. Keeping the others grounded is important for the success of the tri-tatorship. If one head became to overwhelmed with power, it would surely result in a demise of the tri-tatorship. The third and final function of the tri-tatorship is in the name itself; the name sounds much like the potatoes eaten at school lunches. This subtle name confusion will help slow uprising of the common folk in the beginning of the tri-tatorship’s rise to power.   By having only one political power there will be no conflicting politicians and war will be a thing of the past . We plan to feed fat people to starving children in Africa as a short term solution to world hunger , obesity, and population growth . We will be using pooled resources from all over the world to find a long term solution to these problems, as well as other big issues such as finding a cure for cancer . Research facilities will be built on the poles, for genetic research in bring back extinct species, and to increase genetic variety. The penny will be discontinued and used to build a monument in which drug lords, heads of the sex trafficking ,and rapists will be tortured and killed. We have many other ideas but if we told them to you now we would no longer be able to take the world by surprise. Our other plans will be revealed soon enough.   Historically, people in Greek dictatorships were very happy until their leaders went crazy with power. This is why a tri-tatorship is a very practical  solution, if Americans knew how to respect authority. North Korea would have all three heads dead before they even listened to our proposal. Saudi Arabia  would hire gun-men from Yemen , and China would kill us with their superior brain power. If everyone was not so quick to judge this marvelous plan that unfolded over game Monopoly could and will work. The first step is getting rid of all corrupt politicians.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

The One

They say that you know when you find them and I truly think its your. Your kindness in spite of everything is all I need well and of course you. I want to have you by my side now and forever more . Your secrets are mine secrets and mine are yours too. We are still learning the truths beneath our skin but with every truth I get the more I want to breath you in. Your pain is my pain and stresses are equally shared . I hope I'm not wrong in hoping these lives of ours are ment to be shared. At least I hope we are friends till the end because with out you I feel all my missing parts and you are the one that makes me complete.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

Depression

Depression is a funny thing it sneaks up on you and sits on your chest like a ton of bricks. Suffocating… sobbing in a way it wasn’t just moments before. The tiny scraps of self worth that took months to cultivate are shredded in moments. All you want is someone to hold you and tell  you everything is okay, but also for solitude. The solitude to ugly cry and ask yourself “what’s the point”. Then the anxiety kicks in, the anxiety of who cares. The anxiety of rubbing skin raw and silent suffering.

Depression is a funny thing. It is like a hole that is a short way down but a long way out.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

The coolest I Ever Met

This is the story of the coolest boy I ever met: He is twenty four and went to a technical school right after high school to get his certificate in photography. While in school there he took a leave of absence to travel to Cambodia. While in Cambodia he started a non-profit that is today now run by a board. This non-profit build toilets at schools so that girls and go to school as puberty. He then went back to school and finished his photography certificate. Following that he took photos for people while traveling around the world, selling his photos to make money to get to the next place. Him and I met while he was in his second to last year at university and in my first. We talked everyday before a MWF class for an hour on topics like art, literature, politics, etc. This summer we attended to same five week field school in Oklahoma and got to know each other much better. He is so wonderful except for one thing… his ex. They dated in high school she is younger but they dated junior year, senior year, and the year after. When he came to this university so did she. He warned me that she was crazy but I assumed he was over-exaggerating. Before he moved back on campus to finish his final year he was telling me how she asked to hang out and he told her no. She instead drove to his house sat in the driveway sending him angry texts and then entered his house. What the actual fuck is this girl’s problem they haven't dated in 4 or 5 years. So when he moved back on campus i went to his room to help move furniture and you know just be in the presence of someone I enjoy. She called him 22 times in the 30mins I was in there and was banging on his door. He told me to be quiet so he could tell her he forgot his phone in the room. I like him alot but do I really want to deal with this girl’s crazy. I don’t know what to do… what to say to him.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

Security ?

The coolest person I ever meet is respectful and treats me well. We met when we each showed up to a class early and talked for awhile. We enjoy each other’s company. We made plans for the future. He has faced his crazy ex to nurture my insecurities. We challenge each other to be better. Yet I want so badly to push him away, I don't think I deserve someone so good. I am afraid to fall because I don't want to be angry at him ever. He wanted me to meet his mom, have dinner with her even. This feeling of security is not one that I use it. Full story of the coolest person I ever met to come.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

I hate that I have to see you now

I have to see you now that classes have started again. I have to see you now with her. I thought I was done feeling crappy about how awful you are. Time as yet to heal the wound you inflicted when you broke this  off with your pants not yet on. Sometimes I wonder how she would react if she know the circumstances leading up to you and her’s relationship. I wonder how she would react to your very brief period of singleness. I often thing you were never single at all but rather, briefly involved with two women. I am not filling with hurt when I look at you because I still love you but rather because I regret. You were the biggest was waste of my time and you lied to me. All I seen when I look at you is a huge pile of lying worthless shit and it hurts me that I can see someone I loved some much. It hurts me that I was stupid enough to think you might someday show me off to your friends. It hurt that i was so proud to call you mine but I was to blinded to see you would never be that proud of me. You are proud to show her off though and sometimes I hope she does the same to you…. Oh you know drop you like yesterday's garbage.

[tenderlytellingitlikeitis-blog]

This Defeat is Temporary

There something defeating about poverty. I recently had to make a trip to a food give away. Between my late rent, my car needing an oil change, and the need to buy books for fall semester I just had no money for food. I am currently putting myself through college and it's hard. Life is hard. I had never felt as defeated as when sat in a church waiting for my number to be called to pick out some food. The glances from the regulars were judging, I was an outsider to their struggles. I felt so small as if my pride had shrunk to a size comparable to a pea. How could I someone who works two jobs need this? How could I someone who works ten to thirteen hour days six days a week need this? Am I selfish? Then I remembered my hunger pangs becoming so intense that they woke me up the night before. I remind my anxiety that it's okay, we can make it up to these people later on. I remind my anxiety that this defeat is temporary I going to be okay.