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I used to be so happy and full of love and surrounded by friends and I’m trying to feel like I’ll be that way one day again but god damn it doesn’t feel like ill ever feel like ill belong anywhere ever again

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wow it is such a bad time inside my brain right now. can’t stop crying and I can’t stop being an ass to my partner and I don’t know what’s wrong w me. i just feel so lonely and like. there can’t be anyone in the whole world who has ever been so rejected and unreciprocated and unseen and invisible for so much of their entire life. just like. dying to feel wanted. Included. dying to feel like there’s anyone in the world who benefits from me being alive. I’m so fucking bored and boring and lazy and stupid and I know I shouldn’t say that bc it’s not true and not productive to say but it’s how I feel. every single day I pray for community and family and love and happiness and it just feels like I’ve felt more and more disconnected and bored and disengaged w everything

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on a positive note I’m going for a jog about it instead of eating about it so maybe this is improvement

having a real rsd episode after getting cancelled on 2 weeks in a row even though I told myself I was gonna be so chill and normal about it !

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having a real rsd episode after getting cancelled on 2 weeks in a row even though I told myself I was gonna be so chill and normal about it !

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daily affirmations:

i am kind

i am in control of my emotions

it does not bother me when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

everyone in the house has the right to be in the kitchen

i am kind and in control of my emotions even when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

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Ugh I ate way too much today. but I also have been throwing myself in circles and doing activities since like 8 am. and I think I did like fairly well at not overeating too much. Although I am really fucking full rn

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also I weighed this am for the first time since my first weigh in (tues am) and have somehow gained .8 lbs despite the math saying I should have lost. I’m not doing this ADF shit right

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Tik tok showed me a vid of someone saying you can lose 20 lbs with a 3 day dry fast and im contemplating if i should do a case study on this info

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First you are born then you are subjected to thousands of millions advertisements in your eyes and ears

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let myself make a protein shake for dinner bc idk hunger pains were so bad and I wanna sleep tn. Brought me up to 500 ish. In a near 1000 cal deficit for the day. Feel like I could’ve done better but meh.

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ended up having a latte so I’m at around 200 cals for the day rn. My muscles feel so sore and I’m so tired and achey and sad and I want to eat but i know I should just push through the hunger so I can enjoy tmrw.

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3 yrs ago I looked sk*nny in my bikini and now I’m struggling not to want to kms looking in the mirror in any capacity lololol

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I ate like 1000 over what I was planning to yday so I’m going for a full water/zero cal fast today 🥲🥲

and then Friday I’m gonna try to eat 1000 or under. But I’m planning to go on a trail jog that am and skate and probably do whatever workout I’m supposed to do on this new plan I’m trying and that’s a lot so idk. Maybe I’ll eat 1000 + whatever I burn. kind of makes it feel like a waste of exercise but idk.

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I’m not everything I want to be right now, but I’m everything I wanted to be 2 years ago.

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I still feel fat but I’ve actually stuck to my workout routine the past couple days and my abs kind of slay rn like who is sheeeee

I’m going for 1500 today and I’m currently at 900 so I have 600 cals remaining. Should I make a filling healthy dinner or ruin tmrw by drinking a whole bottle of wine ??? free will really is a bitch

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Slow progress is better than no progress 🪽