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thatorchia-ism · 3 months ago

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Gardenia on the tile

Summary: you visited John after the exorcism and after being released from the hospital. His health worsened so you have to make up for it.

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https://archiveofourown.org/works/66330427/chapters/171023824

You sat down uncomfortably on his couch as you were waiting for him to prepare tea for you. Your eyes kept darting from different places, like peaking his figure in the kitchen, to the crucifix on the wall, accidentally landed on the door with the many crosses glued on it, and ended on the noise in the Television, talking about a girl who went missing in Alabama. His house was weirdly uncozy, like an unpleasant welcoming of you as you stepped in, like it knew you had a secret that kept under the sleeves that was waiting to be opened.

But the real truth, you did. There was something that you hid away from him for now, and you needed to confess it so bad that the tension began to build and weighing your shoulders, your mind was bothered by the sense of unwelcome territory but yet, there’s John, sitting there like lingering ivy. Why?

You tried to focus on the television, but the words were unclear to understand as your only focus was John. Your only thought was him since you began to get genuinely concerned as he looked awful and different than before, his eyes seemed to be faded and tired, and how noticeable the dark area under his eyes, and even worse his skin seemed to be paler than the last time you saw him. You swore, it has never been that worse after the exorcism.

You do think of giving him a therapist card for therapy for his trauma, but you know it will end in the dumpster instead. John knew not even a person who believed logically could believe his ‘nonsense’ story to be real. It happened, supernatural stuff was just out of their theory that they learnt. Perhaps, it’s best not to. The only option was just his friends to have the talk, which was you.

Your eyes stayed on the news as your brain focused only on John but your ears were listening to the television. Patiently waiting for John to come back dearly to you like a soldier united to the loved one after the war. You took a peak in the kitchen to see John was crouching down to search for something in the cupboard. Should you help him? No… You don’t want to interrupt him, it’ll be awkward if he insists on help. It’d be better to stay in your spot for now and focused on the news instead.

“A 20 year old woman went missing and was last seen on Saturday, January 13 at 3:15 A.M. She was forced to be into a black and short-bed pickup truck—”

Suddenly, a sound of clanking of porcelain material placed on the table with John’s voice interrupted the news. You looked up it was John, he didn’t wear the formal priest clothes but just a grey sweater with brown sweatpants and… cat slippers?

“Sorry for making you wait, I was busy earlier,” He chuckled, sounding a little silly like he used to do. God, you knew he would never change from the start.

“It’s fine, I should have helped you earlier” You said with a gentle and polite tone, his faded sapphire eyes met with your eyes and he responded with a chuckle again when you mentioned it.

A feeling of nostalgia relaxed the tension on your shoulders, you could feel the sense of the memories of you and him. The one and only person that had ever brightened your day just by his presence. You felt more safe and comfortable when he was around. Before he could end his chuckle sooner, you chuckled along with him. John smiled softly under that exhausted face, he grabbed a teapot to pour tea into each mugs provided.

“You don’t have to, you’re the guest here”

He said as he began to lift the teapot and your eyes lingered to the following cup. You noticed he didn’t have fancy and vintage teacups to serve for the guests, just casual and different mugs on the table, one was a greenish blue mug with the little hearts around it, meanwhile the other one was just a plain and white mug. It was nothing odd, no assumption that he couldn’t afford fancy items to serve to the guests like a 5 stars hotel, just keep it average and humbled.

You watched the tea poured in until you could see your reflection on the surface and lifted up your chin to watch John again, pouring the teacup in the plain mug. Even the loss of dreamscape was fading in him, but to you, you saw there’s a heaven… a chance that could change his life. But, what if he didn’t want to, you couldn’t force him for something that you only dreamt.

John noticed that you hadn't picked up the blue-greenish mug that he prepared for you, before the edge of the boring white plain mug could touch his lips, he stopped and exclaimed.

“Are you going to drink that?” He asked and snapped you out from zoning out.

“Oh! I’m about to,” You said as you immediately grabbed the mug from the table and took a good sip from the tea.

You swore you could sense his eyes stared at you, like his exhausted figure was facing you only. Once you’re done, John began to make up some conversation with you.

“It’s been a long time, huh?” He said with a huff escaped between his lips.

“I hardly had the guests in my house here, so I hope you don’t expect much”

He gently scratched his neck as he took another sip of his tea. You could tell… just by stepping in his house. The couch you’re sitting on seemed to be untouched and the minimum of fancy items he could get were the teapot. Your moving eyes and silence started to bother him, thinking you felt uncomfortable sitting in his house. So he tried to excuse him for his unsettling atmosphere.

“My apology, I just… hadn’t taken care of my home properly lately… I’m not really in a good state, I hope you could understand,” He smiled softly as his eyes looked over your figure. Your eyes widened for a moment to see him excuse out of sudden.

“No! I mean it’s fine. I don’t mind. Your house looks okay, John” You said as you tried to relieve him.

“You should chill down a bit, nothing is wrong.”

“Yeah… nothing’s wrong” He said as he let out a huff with skepticism in it.

You began to concern more by his tone, full of doubt and hesitation that was obvious to notice. You knew what happened during the exorcism he faced but you wished to know the current state he was in because clearly, he is not fine.

His eyes lingered on his mug, remained unmoving in his hands and his lips stayed in a line. His face was bland and numb, his exhausted eyes could tell a story behind what happened and it showed, he seemed somehow, wanting to give up everything. You know you can’t let time pass with his current state.

“Joh—” Before you could say his name, he resumed the conversation.

“Is it worth it?” He muttered without giving you a glance even.

Your eyes widened again. “What?”

“To let the mistake you made become a lesson but haunting for someone who happened to be your mistake?” He lifted up his chin to look at you.

“Just a general question.” He smiled softly.

You were stunned by the question and it made you look down on the mug for a moment, what in the philosophical question is that? Maybe not. John was just a priest with good English words and belief to teach and preach. But, he’s a human. Humans make mistakes. You realized that he made a mistake from the exorcism and thought about his mistake becoming unbearable but haunting for him and the victim, which was Amy Martin. You did feel poor for the girl and your friend, you couldn’t imagine the hell to face.

Back to the question, you took your time to think about it with any answer you could come up to.

“I don’t know… it depends… But I don’t think it should be worth it since it was a human being and… they suffered. Human is not an animal aside from what biology says.” You paused for a moment to look at him.

“But sure, humans make mistakes. At least it’ll be a reason to not.”

It sounded so wrong in your head, it’ll just sound to blame him more, filling up more guilt than it supposed to be. So, you took a sip of the tea to calm yourself down. Your eyes peaked to see the guilty in his eyes, gaining and haunting him of his mistakes. You shouldn’t have said that and just say ‘I don’t know’ instead. The truth was, it was not entirely his fault, he wasn’t ready to face such a heavy stuff and tried his best to save Amy but failed. The demon consumed her better than the faith could have.

“You wouldn’t like to hear this…” He said.

“John, it’s not your fault—”

“We shouldn’t talk about this. W— We should talk about like… us only us! Not her—” He said, his tone rising and filled with such frustration as he tried so hard to change the topic that he indulged in before.

“H— How’s your mom’s doing, i- is she okay?” He asked with a fake soft tone to hide his frustration and put on his best smile to you.

“My mom’s dead, John” You said as you frowned with growing concerned and upset.

“Shit— Sorry— I—” He sighed and pulled his hand from the mouth and began to rub his face. He failed to keep his good image and not let the mistake consume him in every peace.

“Sorry for my bullshit.”

“No, it’s fine John. I understand.”

“Thank you…”

He took another sip of the tea and avoided eye contact with you as he looked the other way. The silence consumed the atmosphere after the messed up conversation he tried to make up for. There was nothing to talk about, like his heart was empty and his brain just had no idea what to talk… Maybe, he just forgot all of the good memories of you and him and let the bad consumed him instead.

You looked down to see your mug was only half empty, you didn’t take much sip and probably had become warmer without realizing. Of course, the time will keep moving, there are so many things you could bring back for him… if he did remember. Your back leaned against the couch with the mug you’re holding touching your lips and thought…

“John… it’s not your fault” You said as you finally broke the silence. However, his face remained a visible guilt.

“I didn’t want to mean what I’ve said that was to blame you. Really, You’re a good guy John.”

He clenched his jaw as you said the good guy, he couldn’t believe himself to be a good guy after all what happened. The mistake he made was never a mistake, rather than running away. You adjusted your sitting position and sighed to see him in despair.

“I’m sorry for bringing this, but I do think that… you had tried your best to save her. You had it enough already—”

“It was never enough… “ John mumbled. “I could have done better than made a deal just so I could save myself…”

You frowned to hear ‘a deal’. But you brushed it off like it was nothing. It left you speechless, you were not some therapist but a friend to him. Indeed in reality, when it comes to such a desperate situation, the only thing you should care about is yourself, but it’ll leave such a huge consequence.

You couldn’t blame him for his action but yet, you couldn’t blame for his feelings about the situation and himself, because that was valid. What happened to him was never his fault but it’s okay for him to feel that. So nothing, nothing that you could say to relieve him but just watched him stand up from the couch and the back of his sweater as he walked away from the living room.

It left you with a sigh. You were supposed to make him feel better, not worse. Now, you sit there and think about what you could have done for your beloved John. This was not supposed to happen, you’re here to confess something that you had been holding for many years but no, not making him feel like a monster here. Your eyes darted down to see the tea in the mug, and immediately you began to drink the whole of it without aware of it being hot or cold.

You stood up from the couch, made your way to the kitchen and saw John, leaning against the kitchen counter with his head looking at the window as he watched a row of houses. You noticed the plain white mug still being held in his hands, as if he refused to let it go. Without thinking anything, you walked towards him, with the mug still being held and called his name softly between your lips.

“John…” His eyes widened slowly back at you and sighed.

He mumbled your name back with his tone flat and utterly bland. But you just smiled and thought it’s fine. You walked closer and stood across him and joined him to watch the outside. You could clearly see an old man walking his dog out, a mother pushing the stroller to spend with her baby, a boy that was cycling his bicycle, and a person who was jogging with their friend. Each of them had their own life and passed their past already, but not everyone.

“Do you mind?” You asked if he minds if you join him and he shook his head.

So, you both stood and watched each different person with different life walk past the neighbourhood. Then, John’s voice broke the silence.

“I always wonder if demons aren’t real… Would I have lived a normal life… like them, like you?” He said, pointing to his thought of having a normal life. Wondering how good your life could be without facing the biggest consequence.

“Do you like living a new life of yours?”

You purse your lips and nodded hesitantly, though you still had the worst moment you couldn’t forget.

“I don’t know… I don’t like my life either. My life sucks, you know… They’re not fun John. You don’t want to have a neighbour that hates you so much, it made you wanted to rip out your hair”

His eyes widened slightly and laughed a bit.

“I wouldn’t either”

“I know” You smiled softly.

You leaned against the counter and watched him take another sip of whatever drink he put his mug in. A drip of the drink rolled down to his jaw which damped his sweater, reminding him back then. You chuckled to see that he didn’t notice after finishing it, what changed still had one thing that remained. So, you decided to bring that up.

“You know… You still did it…”

“Did what?” He frowned.

“The… little drip escaped from your mouth” You chuckled.

“Shit—” He mumbled.

“Need help?” You asked as you placed down the mug on the counter. Yet, John awkwardly insisted.

“N-No thanks”

So you just remained on your ground as he rushed over the sink to wash the stain. It was still funny to see him in this state again. You liked it if everything stayed in this way. Maybe, you both could be happier than this current state, better together. Your cheeks began to warm as you watched John ashamed of his embarrassment. As he finished washing it, John stood beside you and let out a sigh again after what happened.

“My apology.” He mumbled which made you chuckle again.

“I liked you better in this way… seeing you smiled and laughed just… heart-warming you know” You smiled softly, finally you knew John was still himself. Some may remain unchanged.

He was stunned to hear your words but it just ended up with that low chuckled and flat tone like he was emotionless.

“I don’t think I could be what you wanted…” He said as he smiled in disbelief.

“You don’t have to be what I wanted, John. You don’t have to be what you used to be. As long as I look at you and I know that was John and I’m glad to see him again. I’m more than okay,” You paused for a moment as you grabbed the blue greenish mug back from standing on the counter to your hand.

“Because that was the reason I came here.”

He looked at you with his lips stayed in line. His slight doe eyes didn’t change a bit nor even his iris moved and pupil shifted smaller or bigger. Those frozen eyes looked at you like deer in the headlights, you couldn’t tell what was the look for.

“I’m worse… I’m disgusting… I’m a failure.” He said as covered his face with both of his palms, he felt so pathetic and ashamed of himself.

“I don’t know if I know myself now…”

Your eyes softened and placed your hand on his shoulder, it felt soothing and gentle for John but still couldn't pull the urge to look at you.

“But I know you” You said and smiled softly at him. God, he felt even ashamed but he stayed his ground as your hand rubbed his shoulder gently to soothe him. His lips curled into a smile and gently placed his hand on top of your hand. His hand felt softer but yet a bit rough under your skin. You could feel your cheeks begin to warm even more as the corner his lips stretched and his eyes softened into yours.

“Thank you,” He thanked you.

“I feel better.”

Fuck… You swore you could hear your heart begin to beat louder, skipping every beat. Soon, you pulled yourself away from him and let out a chuckle. The unpleasant welcome you felt earlier was fading away.

Like, it felt you were fine to be here, you and John.

The mug in your hand tightened as you thought about something that you wanted to open up for him.

However, you couldn’t get to say it as you watched John walk away from the kitchen. But before he could leave, he turned to look at you for a moment.

“Do you need anything else?” He asked.

“I'm fine, thank you” You said and watched him nod and walk away. As he left you alone, you began to think that the confession you wanted to confess seemed to be irrelevant in this situation.

Maybe, you'll keep it another time for now.

…

You both had spent like an hour together. As it started to get late outside, the blue sky slowly changed its colour to hue orange, with the sun wanting to rest down for a night. John kindly accompanied you to your car that parked behind his Sedan.

The hue of the sky bathed you and John's figure, his blue eyes gleaming by the sunset ray and your eyes stared at the colour that radiated by it. John patted your car gently and caressed it with the surface of his tip fingers.

“So, when will you be visiting me next time?”

You turned around as he asked you. You thought maybe next month? But you are not so sure yet. Life can be disrupted by anything else, but maybe there could be a chance.

“I'll try…” You said as you opened the car door to get in.

“Call me,” John said as he gestured his hand into making a phone call closer to his ear.

“If you want to pay for a visit, I'll make sure I'll prepare something for you”

What a kind-hearted person he is. No wonder if he became a priest for a reason.

“It's fine, I don't mind anything”

You get yourself into the car and settle yourself comfortably. But once you did it, you felt a sensation of something weighing on your shoulders. Something it felt so heavy to let this go as time already passed so fast. You're not ready for it.

Your eyes lingered on his figure that was standing beside your car, seeing his soft smile and tired eyes to look at you already had you flattered. Gosh, how could you ever let this go. His absence had left you defenseless and restless every sleepless night, you thought about him at every edge of time and bed. Knowing you had to watch his figure going slowly smaller and gone from your sight.

Your hands gripped on the steering wheel and your head focused on the front for a moment before looking at John back.

“I wish time would go slow so I would have more time with you” You sighed.

“Don't be, we still had the time to go on. I'm sure we both will have the chance” John said.

His words were so freakin 'assure your heart that everything will be fine, his voice soothes your blue heart and was like music to your ears. You took a deep breath and finally were ready to leave the neighbourhood.

“I… Goodbye John, I'll see you later”

“Goodbye, I'll be waiting for you”

As you thrusted the key into its specific place and whirled it to activate the engine. The sounds of the car engine sounded up, already weighing your heart. However, as you kept trying, the car just won't start.

What the hell.

You tried again, but nothing's work. Yet, you tried again and still it began to act up. You tried for another time, that was the time you realized your car broke down in his neighbourhood.

Great, your wish to spend more time with him was heard and granted. Bad news, all of this what…. Why!?

Note: Thank you for reading this! I APPRECIATE SO BADD MUAH! Lurveee. I posted this before my Debate English competition in this saturday sooo wish me luck lol.

#faith the unholy trinity #john ward #John Ward x reader #john ward x reader #fanfic #idk girl this is quite embarrassing

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