the-dying-star

[the-dying-star]

I did it. Finally. Sorry this is taking so long.

Chapter 14: If Not For Me

Comments are appreciated. Tell me what you like. Or hate. If you're a hater. I guess. Lol

[the-dying-star]

It's up. 😁

If Not For Me Chapter 13 : Homecoming.

Comments and kudos are always appreciated and help motivate me to keep going.

I mean I will keep going anyway

..but like....faster if people are reading it 🤣

Chap. 13 of If Not For Me will be up tomorrow after I try my best to proof read it at work. 😁 Just...thought ya should know...

[the-dying-star]

Chap. 13 of If Not For Me will be up tomorrow after I try my best to proof read it at work. 😁 Just...thought ya should know...

[the-dying-star]

Songs I associate with certain people in If Not For Me

------------------------------------

So if any of you have read so far you'll have obviously noticed music is a major component of If Not For Me.

There are chapters with certain songs I think fit moments and one that will be coming in a future chapter (so spoilers ahead) is Gethsemane from Sleep Token's new album.

And who gets that track?

Honestly. I thought of Luciana and her mother Vivian immediately.

Which may be a head scratcher but I'll break it down.

So

"I wanted you to know, I've learned to live without it

And even though it's colder now, I no longer feel surrounded

And you never listened to me, and that's the thing I tell the others"

Luciana has an internal struggle with the fact that she is that child who wanted nothing more than her parents' love, in this case her mother. But here we have "I've learned to live without it" which obviously means to me she's learned toive without her mother's love. As well as "and even though it's colder now, I no longer feel surrounded" which I thought of as even though her heart is colder now as she accepts that Vivian may never have and never will love her, she no longer feels the crushing pressure around her to be that daughter she thought she had to be.

--------------------

"But you were trying your best, and that's the thing I tell the others."

Luciana would always have to justify her mother's behavior and that she was just 'trying her best' to be a good mother even though she was actively mentally/emotionally and physically abusing her daughter.

---------------------

"I was your robot companion, you were my favorite color"

Luciana didn't get to be heraelf. She had to suppress her power, she had to pretend to be okay, and yet she still loved her mother. Or she tried to.

--------------------

"I'm caught up on the person I tried to turn myself into for you.

Someone who didn't mind the push-pull parlour games

Someone who wasn't always crying on the journey back

Someone who didn't feel the low blows either way"

This seems self explanatory to me, Lux was always trying to be what her mother wanted but it was never good enough. Her mother would 'love' her one moment and hate her the next. She verbally abused her daughter, but pretended and expected Lux to pretend, that everything was totally fine.

"Thought I was waitin' for you when all along

It was you with the countdown killswitch

And it was me with the blindfold on."

Luciana finally realizes that she needs to stop waiting for her mother to realize she was wrong and that she loves her and is sorry. Because all along Vivian has been plotting her demise/downfall and Lux was blinded by her desire for her mother's acceptance.

----------------------

"And I was trying my best, and that's the thing I tell the mirror

I was in love with the thought that we were in love with each other"

Obviously Luciana has her own internal battle of knowing that she can't keep waiting for her mother to accept and love her but she has kept telling herself that it's okay to wait and it's okay to try. But realizing that she's simply been in love with the thought of her mother and her having a good relationship and that it won't happen.

----------------------

"What might be good for your heart"

Vivian was desperate for a true mate. In the Grey Wolves series it's main focus is on the males and how they suffer the Darkness inside if they are without their mate, they touch on it with Marina but not to a major degree. Vivian essentially has a psychotic break, not extreme at first but she is so desperate for a mate and family that she is willing to seduce Lucifer (whom she doesn't know is Lucifer as in the devil at first) and manages to obtain one of the things she wants so bad, a child. But when she finds out what he is her 'love' which is truly just obsession, festers. She is willing to accept the claim of a wolf she knows is not her mate, willing to let him abuse her daughter. And then willing to let another wolf abuse her daughter. All in the name of her own "heart" and her own needs and wants.

"Might not be good for my head"

Obviously none of these things would be good for the mental health of a young girl.

"And what was there at the start

Might not be there in the end"

While Vivian might have loved Luciana at the very start, Luciana knows now that it very well could/will not be there in the end of it all.

"Do you wanna hurt me?

Do you wanna hurt me?

Cause nobody hurts me better

Do you wanna love me?

Do you wanna love me?

Cause nobody hurts me better"

Luciana has demons as subjects that could say vile things to her, she knows mortals would as well, since they do it to her father, and yet the one person that can have her crumpled in on herself sobbing is her mother.

------------------------

"No one's gonna save me from my memories

Nothing to lose, but I would've given anything

To get closer to you and all your enemies

I've got a few of my own"

No one, not even Donnie can save Luciana from her own memories of her mother and she truly would have given anything to have her mother in her life in a healthy way, she may have even spared Abrham even though he wasn't Vivian's mate and petitioned for him to ascend. But not Dorin.

"And this throne didn't come with a gun, so I've got a different energy"

Luciana's throne didn't come with power. Even though she was born of Lucifer she's only half Fallen and had to gain power once she entered Hell. She wasn't born with more power than him and currently in the fic she still isn't more powerful than him. She knows she has to be more than him to control Hell and she knows that just because she's a princess of Hell that doesn't mean Heaven or her mother fears her so she has to do something to make them.

"I still see you when the lights get low

I still hear you when I'm on my own

The parasites in the nightmares calling my name like, "Please just let me go"

This one's for you and your problems, your good day job

Your bad karma, what are you afraid of?

The same trauma, show me what you're made of

'Cause you talk about your constant pain like I ain't got none

And I've learned to live beside it, and even though it's over now

I will always be reminded (Reminded, reminded, reminded)

This is also just self explanatory and just fantastic lyrical writing. Ugh 🤌🤌🤌❤️

-----------------------------------------------

Well? What do we think? Good choice? What other songs would you associate with Viv and Lux? What songs do you associate with any of the characters? Telll mmeeeee lol

[the-dying-star]

It's poetic really that the song Feel Me by If Not For Me is what led to me imagining the Hell's Heros AU and yet Sleep Token's music is literally the embodiment of the whole premise of the AU. Balance between Love and Hate, Light and Dark. Heaven and Hell. Even in paradise, Death remains.

Even in Arcadia really got my mind going again on this. Thanks Vessel for breaking my writer's block. 🖤

[the-dying-star]

Helloooooo chapter 12 of If Not For Me is up. 😁

If Not For Me - Chapter 12 : Balance

[the-dying-star]

Also for those that have ever wanted it. Heres a sorta finished, minus some details, Character sheet type thingy for Luciana Morningstar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And some close ups.

[the-dying-star]

Nyx Drakos.

She's had a death grip on my brain for years.

Not sure what to do with her yet.

Throw her at Donnie obviously. 🙄

Welp here ya go.

Also I swear I'm almost done with the next chapter of If Not For Me.

[the-dying-star]

Have I been drawing a brand new OC? Yes.

Am I probably gonna start another fic?

Yeah.

Is my current one finished?

Not even close.

Do I regret?

Nope.

[the-dying-star]

Would you like to see my bestest Holiday pup? 👀

So I see people send you pics of their cats all the time.

BUT

Do you enjoy the doggos too?

I love all animals--!

[the-dying-star]

{side bar: this is all cracking me up. This place be wild sometimes.}

>Day two, I see... Well, good luck with the sudden onslaught!

>I don't think it can be helped at this point- but I hope people are being civil, at least.

>In that case... Slowly sitting back down on my lounge chair to watch, lol._

...I need an extraction by helicopter or something--

[the-dying-star]

What do you do when you are..

Not okay?

[the-dying-star]

Why are they perfect?

Just...ugh...

Passes away from the perfection

Okay one more W.I.P cuz I like these--

//Draws on the floor with crayon--

[the-dying-star]

Because I am sick of losing good shows! This series was granted a kick ass movie, which is something most series would kill to have, and they're gonna pull the plug? Oh heck no!!!

[the-dying-star]

I got my first comment on If Not For Me.

**brb sobbing in happiness**

YAY!!!! 🖤🖤🖤🖤

[the-dying-star]

u can say pspspspss to get my attention bro its ok we're mutuals

[the-dying-star]

None of you know me but that's okay because I don't mind sharing my life.

Whoo! Upheaval in MI! Beartooth and From Ashes to New so far!!!