the-lowdown-getdown

[the-lowdown-getdown]

Forming & Keeping a Back Burner Relationship

How do I get a back burner? How do I know if I am a back burner? Do I need to tell someone if I want them to be my back burner? Do you have a friend/accquaintance that you may be attracted to, or vice-versa?

These are just a few of the questions that I have brought to my attention when discussing back burners. While it is not as big of a deal to have a back burner, there are still characteristics that on must remember in order to have a proper back burner relationship. Everyone's desire to have or to be a back burner is different, but they qualifications remain the same in order to qualify as a back burner.

What Is a Back Burner?

A back burner is a friend or acquaintance that you are keeping around as a possibility to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship in case your current relationship status becomes of less interest to you. Back burners have been around for years, but that particular term is what has changed. While we have back burners, our parents had sleek little black books!

Who Are The Main Targets of Back Burners

Many researchers have determined that whether or not one is in a relationship, people are still looking to have someone that they can fall back on in case their current sexual/romantic relationship becomes uninteresting to them. There are multiple reasons why someone may want to have a back burner, but the most common reason is “people maintain back burners to preserve access to sex partners in the event that such a partner is wanted” (Dibble, et. al, 2016).

Young adults, generally college-aged, are the primary maintainers of back burner relationships. Casual sex is an common occurrence within the demographic of young adults, damaging their desire to form lasting relationships. Another reason that young adults are the main demographic for having back burners is because of the unlimited communication methods at their disposal - Texting, emails & social media.

All conducted research that I found allows for me to understand what the authors were discussing, but as a young adult I have to look at the unethical method of keeping a back burner. Having a back burner while single may not be unethical on your part, but I pose the question of, what if they person you wish to have as your back burner is in a relationship. There is nothing wrong to notice that a person is attractive, but to actively keep them around in order to gain relations with them becomes the problem.

Are You Even Gaining Anything?

If there is one thig that I wish to be taken away from what I have already disclosed about back burner relationships - It is that you CANNOT continue to have someone on retainer as it does not allow you to fully be invested in the current situation that you are in.

Anyone can be a back burner and anyone can have a back burner, but be sure that it is actually a back burner relationship and not a friend with benefits relationship or one night stand. Think about how you would feel if you found out your partner still had a back burner months/years into your relationship. Think about what being a back burner to someone would mean for you if you weren't attracted to that person.

References

Dibble, J. L., Drouin, M., & Punyanunt-Carter, N. M. (2019). An empirical comparison of back burners, hookups, and friends with benefits relationships in Young Adults. Communication Research Reports, 36(5), 415–425. https://doi.org/10.1080/08824096.2019.1683530

Dibble, J. L., Drouin, M., Aune, K. S., & Boller, R. R. (2015). Simmering on the back burner: Communication with and disclosure of relationship alternatives. Communication Quarterly, 63(3), 329–344. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2015.1039719

Katz, J., & Schneider, M. E. (2013). Casual hook up sex during the first year of college: Prospective Associations with attitudes about sex and love relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42(8), 1451–1462. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-013-0078-0

Manning, J., & Noland, C. M. (2016). A New look for the “little Black Book”: prospective Sex Partners, Back Burner Relationships, and Modern Communication Technology . In Contemporary Studies of Sexuality & Communication: Theoretical and applied perspectives (pp. 189–202). essay, Kendall Hunt.

Punyanunt-Carter, N. M., Arias, V. S., Dibble, J. L., Drouin, M., Ouytsel, J. V., Martinez, R. J., & Wagner, T. R. (2024). Identifying motivations for relationship alternatives: Analyzing college students’ backburner relationships. Journal of Social Psychology Research, 17–25. https://doi.org/10.37256/jspr.3120243256