the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

y'all not to doxx myself too hard but irl i have spent some time in my life in mental health recovery, and i am here to tell anyone who needs to hear it that people with multiples & schizophrenia & psychosis & BPD are fun and interesting and lovable people and my friends

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

I ❤️ MY PUBLIC LIBRARY

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

Today I saw a pic of a baby cowbird next 2 its nest "parent" and it was so much bigger!!!!! Which is the sort of thing that gets normal people upset about the injustice of nest parasitism but makes *me* worry if baby cowbirds get bird dysmorphia

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

as a theater kid, may I just say you are truly living up to your username 😂

Musical about a guy who is the only one who doesnt know it's a musical.

The actor isn't taught the choreography to the songs so their desperate attempts to dance along are real

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

my most common stress dreams are either I eat gluten or have to deal with a lot of stinging insects. However, since starting my new job, my most recent stress dreams involve me not knowing how to ring up someone’s bullshit order

everyone has dreams about being lost at school, late to work, cant find bathroom etc but whats yalls most common Uncommon stress dream. ill always have dreams about having various problems with my fish tank

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

another underappreciated tumblr feature that you dont get on other sites is the queue. i love it when something i thought was funny six months ago and then forgot about a week later crawlts its way out of the processing vortex and i get to see it all over again.

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

mythbusters was so good because it wasn't a killjoy show. they didn't just say "see, it doesn't work" and leave it there

whenever they find that the stunt doesn't work as portrayed in the movie, they immediately ask "what would it take to make this happen?"

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

A good rule of thumb for AI is "would you trust a trained pigeon to do this?"

"We trained a pigeon to recognise cancerous cell clusters and somehow they're really good at it" okay great, that's something that could plausibly be a thing.

"We trained a pigeon to recognise good CV:s and left it in charge of sorting through all our job applications" uh perhaps consider not doing that.

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

and when there’s nothing wrong with your tests they send you back home saying it’s anxiety

Even though it’s not.

it’s crazy how many times I’m like “I don’t feel good” and doctors are like “there is nothing wrong with you actually” and then they get test results back and go “oh fuck. wait a minute. you weren’t lying. this is real not good.”

and I get it, I know an element of medical misogyny plays into because they see me as a woman but I think it’s also because I’m autistic and my reactions are not ‘appropriate’. when I’m in severe pain I’m silent and I’m fidgety. they probably think I’m overstating my symptoms because my affect is flat and I’m not emoting when that is actually a sign I am doing very badly.

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

I had a piñata phase. My parents beat it out of me

Did I ever tell u about my piñata phase

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

“I bought a $15k 1975 mobile home on a .25 acre lot.” Yayyyyy! Awesome! Your first home, I’m assuming! “To renovate and rent.” You’re a MONSTERRRRRR.

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

A good rule of thumb for AI is "would you trust a trained pigeon to do this?"

"We trained a pigeon to recognise cancerous cell clusters and somehow they're really good at it" okay great, that's something that could plausibly be a thing.

"We trained a pigeon to recognise good CV:s and left it in charge of sorting through all our job applications" uh perhaps consider not doing that.

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

Okay so there's these two brothers who are both into cosplay and decide it would be fun to do a cosplay together, going as characters who are also brothers. Having suggested a handful to each other, both agree on making a cosplay as Boromir and Faramir to attend an upcoming convention.

And at the con they happen to make aquaintance with another two-person team of cosplayers, who are also brothers in real life and had had the exact same idea, except that they had decided on cosplaying Thor and Loki respectively. And they make friends bonding over this. Like an hour later the one cosplaying Boromir and the one dressed as Loki notice that their brothers are both missing, and neither one is answering their phone or even reading messages. So they come to the conclusion that whatever they're busy with, they're probably together.

They do end up finding the missing brothers, who were indeed being busy together, with Faramir sucking Thor cosplayer's dick. So things kind of get awkward after that, and the two brother pairs agree to go their respective ways.

The con is a three-day event and on the morning of the second day, by 10 am Faramir is fucking gone again. He has somehow found another Thor cosplayer to suck off. When asked about it, he shrugs and says that it just happened. And as they say, once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, thrice is a pattern. And by the time his brother had found a fourth dude cosplaying Thor, the brother cosplaying Boromir is starting to get seriously pissed off.

He's not even mad about the dick-sucking. He knows his brother. He knows that he's got a type. He's not mad about his brother being into buff long-haired blond guys, or about him blowing through the entire goddamn convention like a fellatio tornado. It's the way that his brother keeps acting like this is some kind of a coincidence, like he just keeps stumbling upon random Thor cosplayers who just happened to be looking to get their dicks sucked. It's the dishonesty of it all that's pissing him off. So now, Boromir has to put his foot down, and he says:

"One does not simply 'walk into' more Thors."

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

and for my next magic trick I will forget to eat all day

[the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not]

I want to see how far across Tumblr my cat can get. Reblog if you see this

[Image ID: a grey tabby on his back on the floor looking at the camera. He has beautiful blue eyes. End ID]