the-warlock-syndicate

[the-warlock-syndicate]

[the-warlock-syndicate]

boypussy? that's a male box

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i think the near-extinction of people making fun, deep and/or unique interactive text-based browser games, projects and stories is catastrophic to the internet. i'm talking pre-itch.io era, nothing against it.

there are a lot of fun ones listed here and here but for the most part, they were made years ago and are now a dying breed. i get why. there's no money in it. factoring in the cost of web hosting and servers, it probably costs money. it's just sad that it's a dying art form.

anyway, here's some of my favorite browser-based interactive projects and games, if you're into that kind of thing. 90% of them are on the lists that i linked above.

A Better World - create an alternate history timeline

Alter Ego - abandonware birth-to-death life simulator game

Seedship - text-based game about colonizing a new planet

Sandboxels or ThisIsSand - free-falling sand physics games

Little Alchemy 2 - combine various elements to make new ones

Infinite Craft - kind of the same as Little Alchemy

ZenGM - simulate sports

Tamajoji - browser-based tamagotchi

IFDB - interactive fiction database (text adventure games)

Written Realms - more text adventure games with a user interface

The Cafe & Diner - mystery game

The New Campaign Trail - US presidential campaign game

Money Simulator - simulate financial decisions

Genesis - text-based adventure/fantasy game

Level 13 - text-based science fiction adventure game

Miniconomy - player driven economy game

Checkbox Olympics - games involving clicking checkboxes

BrantSteele.net - game show and Hunger Games simulators

Murder Games - fight to the death simulator by Orteil

Cookie Clicker - different but felt weird not including it. by Orteil.

if you're ever thinking about making a niche project that only a select number of individuals will be nerdy enough to enjoy, keep in mind i've been playing some of these games off and on for 20~ years (Alter Ego, for example). quite literally a lifetime of replayability.

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I think the curses are less metaphysics, and more politics. My original theory(which I still somewhat hold to but I shake my fist at the DLC) is that the throne works off a form of primogeniture. Sort of. Ranni was the first Empyrean to be born, and was to be engaged to Godwyn, the first acceptable demigod to be born(I am pretty sure the omens were younger than him).

Marital indiscretions aside(Golden linesge showed up somehow) that would give us an Empyrean to take on the power of the Greater Will and become God, and an Elden Lord to support the rule. Thus a full succession plan.

But there is a problem. Any Joe schmoe can be Elden Lord given enough power, but it takes something special to be an Empyrean(which I interpret to be a being capable of channeling the full power of an Outer God, and achieving apotheosis).

Malenia and Miquella are both Empyreans. Malenia is cursed from birth with the rot, but that is because the Rot God staked its claim, so to speak. Unless fully excised, she cannot be a claimant for the throne while the Greater Will is in charge. She can only be a threat to GW by possibly supplanting it with the Rot.

Miquella is the weird one in all of this. He is cursed with eternal youth, but there is no real allusion to an outer God cursing him. We are given to understand that he is the most powerful Empyrean, but also that that power cannot be harnessed as a child. My pet theory is that it was the Greater Will who cursed him. If you take Ranni as your successor, then a more powerful, unaligned Empyrean is a threat to stability and rule. But if you keep Miquella an eternal child, he is ineligible so long as the curse isn't broken. The ideal heir and a spare combo.

Of course the Shattering fucks it all up. In one night, the King and Queen vanish and cut all contact, both the heirs presumptive and logical regents are murdered, and the Elden Ring is shattered. And thus the wars start.

just kinda realizing exactly how incredibly fucked things are for marika's children

except rykard. he's kinda doin alright. yes he was eaten by a snake but he clearly wanted that and is not displeased by it whatsoever. that being said he doesn't fully count cuz he's radagon's kid. half points

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seven nights of carnal passion in my lean-to

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as a lizard detaches its tail to escape a predator, so too does kindly miquella detach chunks of his flesh, both of his arms, his eye, his heart, his capacity for love, et cetera, to escape white guilt

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opening a checking account at the sperm bank.

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i think it's really fun when a rly specific trope is super popular in one particular medium but in other ones it's just totally unheard of. it's the time knife. visual novel players are suuuuper used to death games but many others encountered them for the first time in squid games. the other day my mom showed me all excited the summary of a super original novel she found and it was about a girl who got reincarnated as the main character in her favorite fantasy book

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miquella only did all that because the alternative was to get a job

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THE FINE CUISINE OF THE LANDS BETWEEN

LIMGRAVER MEAT PIES

a common dish in limgrave, consisting of a flaky pie crust stuffed with ground horse meat, chopped carrots, onions, and barley. the filling is slow-cooked in a savory-sweet gravy that employs a unique flavoring created by simmering rowa fruits in animal fat to extract their flavor without rendering the dish inedible. there are a few regional spins on the dish, such as "stormhill style," employing ground fulgurbloom to add a numbing kick to the gravy, while residents of mistwood employ slumbering eggs in the pie crust for a uniquely buttery taste.

CAELIDITE PICKLE-CROW ROAST

an acquired taste, necessitating an iron stomach, but a must-try for any gourmands unfortunate enough to find themself in the blighted wastes of caelid. caelidites hunt and consume the giant carnivorous crows native to the region for sustenance, as they're the only creatures with enough meat on their bones to be worth the effort. the crow meat is rubbed with ground-up faded erdleaf flowers and allowed to ferment in grain vinegar for several days. it is then stuck on rotating spits designed to employ the heat of the ever-burning stone border walls, and roasted thoroughly until charred, so that all traces of rot or parasites are cooked out. the meat is wickedly tough, but packed with a unique, tangy, almost medicinal flavor. the dead aeonian rotworms absorb copious amounts of vinegar, resulting in surprising, but not unpleasant bursts of flavor as one chews through the tough crowflesh. rumor has it that the recipe was originally intended for dragon hearts, so that picky eaters may partake in dragon communion.

LIURNIAN MARINE BOIL

a popular dish among the commonfolk of liurnia (and the carian royal family, if gossip is to be believed,) consisting of mild fish, prawns, land octopus, and rice, boiled in a spicy, salty broth. a bold blackguard showed the locals how to capture young giant crayfish (colloquially known as prawns,) revolutionizing the traditional dish. it is said that albinaurics who made the treacherous journey to kindly miquella's consecrated snowfield yearned to taste the dish once more, but could not find rice in the mountaintops, spurring the young demigod to travel to liurnia to procure rice to grow in the haligtree.

LEYNDELL GOLDENFIGS

despite having near unfettered access to the cuisine of all the lands between, the average leyndellian has an incorrigible sweet tooth. their favored meal is little more than syrupy sweet figs, drizzled in gleaming golden honey from bees that gorge themselves on altus bloom nectar. it is cloyingly sweet, and possessed of an unpleasant, sticky texture, made barely tolerable by the faint herbal notes of the altus bloom honey. rumored to be the favored food of queen marika the eternal, and her first consort, godfrey. rennala, the full-moon queen, is rumored to have once enjoyed the dish herself, but now falls into a deep despair when offered any.

ANCESTRAL FOLLOWERS' MUSHROOM MELT

if ever you find yourself in the subterranean reaches of the lands between, it would be wise to give the ancestral followers a visit. their favored dish consists of melted mushrooms mixed with soft goatmilk cheese, spread over an herba leaf and topped with shredded antflesh. melted mushrooms and goat cheese are ordinarily extraordinarily fatty, but the inclusion of herba and acidic antflesh cut through it for a unique flavor that defies description. it is to be noted that ant is the only meat they will consume, given the relation of sheep, goat, rats, and deer to their ancestor spirits.

ZAMOR ICE SASHIMI

food in the mountaintops is scarce, and the people of zamor loathe fire, so their meals often consist of plain, raw fish. in recent years, however, a dish inspired by land of reeds cuisine has spread across the region like wildfire, thanks to recipes left by the demon swordsman okina as thanks for an unknown favor. massive icefish native to the region are filleted and laid over balls of sticky, vinegar-soaked rice. the fattiness of the icefish is counteracted by the mild acidity of the rice, creating an unusually refreshing and hearty dish for the region.

MOHGWYN BLOODY MARY

an alcoholic drink popular among those faithful to the late mohgwyn dynasty. arcane blood is fermented with sugar and crushed fruit in a marble cask until it approaches a syrupy consistency. it is then mixed with water and served hot, with a bone straw and dewkissed herba garnish. it has a peculiar, salty, tangy taste, with floral undertones. not entirely unpleasant, but it causes ones veins to course with the sweetest pain.

THE MIQUELLAN KINDNESSBURGER

13 ground meat patties created during miquella's quest for godhood. refuse when offered, even if he cries

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hanging out with malenia and miquella while rannis out because she doesn't let me stay home alone since I freak out and hurt myself and others when left to my own devices and miquellas smoking a big cigar and I side eye him while whispering "it just doesn't seem right" to malenia and she shrugs and answers"yeah but he's like 2100 so it's fine" and miquella starts spluttering and hacking and coughs up a golden centipede and we have to run to stop him from taking another drag of what has been revealed to be one of rannis leftover deathblight cigars from a prior attempt to assassinate the veiled king of leyndell

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[AT THE SECOND DARKMOON-MIQUELLAN RAP BATTLE]

BLAIDD: [sweating] lady ranni is my, ah, best friend. and that is a friendship that will never... end!

LEDA: [clenching tear-stained parchment] I think your stupid rhymes are kind of funny, you call her lady ranni, more like "lady?" tr[TACKLED OFF STAGE BY ANSBACH AND FREYJA]

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[RAP BATTLE BETWEEN THE DARKMOONS AND FOLLOWERS OF MIQUELLA]

IJI: my lady ranni's schemes are really very clever / will miquella reach godhood? I think: never

LEDA: [lunging across the stage with a knife] I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

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"is kindly miquella TMA?" - the greatest debate in the history of those united in common cause, moratorium on the topic declared within five minutes after leda said something deeply insensitive to thiollier