theaimlessphoenix

[theaimlessphoenix]

Do the words to death do us part mean anything anymore?

There are three significant times in a person’s life: birth, wedding, funeral. We all know how to celebrate birthdays, we do it every year. However I’ve been thinking about weddings. 

Weddings are to show the union of two people who love each other. It’s a lifelong commitment which two individuals make to each other and there are the vows. Everyone knows the traditional vows, we’ve all heard them in films, sometimes at weddings, recordings, read them. But somehow so many marriages fail to live up to those promises, those vows. They have become a bunch of words we say for the sake of tradition and because they sound good. We forget when the bad times come, that we have to live by the words that have bound us together. Afterall, it is said “til death do us part.” I am waiting for that person, my person, who I will be choosing to live the rest of my life with. However, I decided that I would not make a bunch of worthless vows that I’m not going to take seriously, and I am not just going to stare at my partner with googly eyes and proclaim how much I love them. I will make sure that the promises I make at that altar set a foundation for the rest of my marriage. Promises that are meaningful and relevant to my relationship. Because if you truly want the world for that person, if you believe they are your soulmate, the one you wish to stay with until your dying breath, then treat them and yourself with respect and don’t just let your emtions run away with you. You’ll have the rest of your life to tell them every minute of every day that you love them. Prove it from the very beginning. Set boundaries, rules to hold yourself accountable for your actions and words, and draw lines that they know not to cross. 

Maybe I’m being overly optimistic, I have no experience on these matters. But though I don’t know them yet, I am faithful and place my full trust in my future spouse. Plus, I want them to know that they can too. I want them to understand that I will be a solid impenetrable wall between them and the world and any evil lurking beyond. Whatever they tell me, or anything that happens between us, it will stay with me. I will be their safety in the storm and nothing will change my mind or blow me off course. Is it wrong to want this? Is it just me? or is this something that could potentially save my marriage some day. This utmost belief. 

As a young person, I think we sometimes fail to look at the practical parts of a relationship. We’re somewhat unprepared. Looking only for romance and those butterflies. And when reality hits us in the face, we’re taken aback. Hopefully I will be more prepared to accommodate another person in my life if I hold myself to these standards.

[theaimlessphoenix]

Weird but Perfect

99% of the people that meet me say I am weird. Some dismiss me, others act patronising, yet others make fun of me and treat me like I’m stupid. I had an entrire group in secondary school who were dedicated to making my life miserable by making fun of me in public and behind my back. Not only that, their parents engaged in it too. Age does not bring maturity I can tell you that. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I like me.

I love the way my mind works. I love the fact that I don’t think like other people and I see the world in ways that nobody else understands. People are afraid of being alone, being homeless, not knowing what tomorrow brings, not having the security of somewhere that belongs to them. But I only fear not finding someone to love and who loves me. Besides that, I want the freedom to not care, to travel, for the first time in my life, to not worry about people judging me for being unique.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have rough days. Days where I look in the mirror and hate what I see. There was a time where the hate was so extreme that I tried taking my own life. Now I feel like there is a power in me that is just trying to find a way to explode. On the outside I may look like a loser, but deep inside, I know there is an undefined being so mighty that it can move mountains. My soul may be fortress I don’t let people through, but that castle is one of beauty. I am not weird, I am beautiful and handsome and intelligent and the best of the best. Everything I have endured, the bullying, the years of abuse, the hardships, it only taught me that my weaknesses make me strong. 

I struggle to interact with people sometimes, but that is okay. I just haven’t yet found my people. The 1% who will look at me and love me for who I am and bring out the best in me. Maybe I sound boastful. I know I am not perfect, far from it, but I am learning that there is a balance between accepting yourself and changing things that are not good for you or others. Embracing yourself and throwing all the weights and expectations people put on you can actually correct your faults automatically without kiling yourself over them. 

So do you like yourself?

[theaimlessphoenix]

Am I A Monster?

Does it ever hit you, while doing something random, that you might be worse than you imagined?

I’m watching The One on Netflix, all about love and matching and honestly, it’s good but depressing for someone single. And it reminded me of someone I loved. I guess I love them still. We were never together as more than friends but I was in love with her. I told her after 2 years of being secretly in love with her and she said she already knew and that nothing between us would change. But I think I would’ve rather things had changed. From then on, she was the same as always. However for me, knowing that she knew what was going on through my head but that she didn’t feel that same, everyday things became hard. 

It was hard to be around her. I would triple check my reactions and the things I did because I became paranoid that somehow I would do something to make her feel uncomfortable and to lose her. So every time I wanted to have a good reaction, to laugh or smile or hug her, I would start with that reaction then lash out in some way, say a negative or sarcastic comment. This turned into a habit and it was horrible for both me, unable to be myself and express the actual feelings, and for her it was even worse. I became a Monster.

I treated a human being, the person that meant the world to me, in a way that no one should ever be treated. When all I wanted to do was show her all the love in the world, give her everything in my power, I turned every positive emotion negative and lashed out at her. 

Every day I wonder, am I truly a monster? Do I even deserve love after what I did? Should I just hide away in a hole and never come out? Because I never want another person to experience anything bad or traumatic by my hand again. 

[theaimlessphoenix]

Big Dreams, Big Decisions

Anyone else feel like they are meant for so much more but they don’t know where to start?

I wake up every day full of dreams. I want to set up a business, write a book, travel, be an influencer, be an activist and stand up for human rights and women’s rights and LGBTQ rights, build an empire, try real estate, find someone I love, create art, media, a film, write songs, adopt, make a real difference and impact people’s lives, yet I get out of bed and don’t know how to make the first step. I feel like I’m paralyzed into the position that society has deemed is the way to move forward and I don’t know how to break out of that mould and be free. I feel stuck and trapped and miserable but yet I’m so afraid to actually move out of that line that seems certain. Because what if there’s no going back? 

The world is unstable and at a standstill, yet being a student at university is the only stable thing in my life and I crave that stability. Wherever I go becomes a new home and university is my new home. But what if university is not what I want at the moment? I was looking at internships and they all require a masters degree or be a high achieving undergraduate but what about the people who don’t have that?

I am doing a subject I hate and 90% of me wants to leave. But I am struggling to let myself make my own way in such a troubled world. I know that I need to put things like taxes and a job and an education and food as a priority in my life, but somehow everything in me is fighting it. I am young, I’ve been through a lot more than normal kids my age, and I want to scream at the world “fuck you” and leave everything behind, the future uncertain, and start over.

The question then is, so where do I go from here?