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A woman walks into a hospital wheeling her husband with her in a wheelbarrow 

She stops at the front desk and talks to the admitting nurse. "Good day," she says. "Something is wrong with my husband. He was very difficult to wake up this morning, he barely touched his breakfast, and he hasn't done anything all day. Can you find out what's wrong?" She and her husband are whisked into a room. A couple of big, burly orderlies come in and lift her unresponsive husband onto the examination table.

A doctor walks into the room and begins examining her husband. He puts on a stethoscope, then gets out a sphygmomanometer and measures his blood pressure, nodding grimly as he takes the measurement. Then he uses this stethoscope to listen carefully to the husband's chest, then he gets out a tool and uses it to peer into the husband's eyes. Then he sighs, steps toward the woman and delivers his verdict.

"Madam, this man is dead. That will be fifty dollars, please."

"He's dead? Really? Are you sure?"

"Yes ma'am, he's definitely dead. Fifty dollars, please."

"But how can you be so sure? You haven't run any tests or anything."

The doctor sighs, goes to the back door of the room, and knocks on it twice. He opens the door, and a black Labrador retriever comes into the room and trots quickly up to the examination table.

The dog walks around the table, sniffing the husband thoroughly. He walks around the table twice, sniffing as he goes, and licks the man on his cheek. Then he looks down at the floor, gives off a soft, plaintive woof, and trots back through the door, which closes.

The doctor knocks on the door again, three times this time, and opens it. An orange-and-white cat comes in, walks to the table, and with a graceful leap lands on the husband.

The cat walks around on the husband's body, kneading and purring loudly. It walks up to the man's chest and flicks Its tongue out several times, lightly tasting the husband's neck. Then it lets out a sad meow and shakes its head slowly before jumping down and leaving the room. The doctor turns back to the woman.

"Yes, he's definitely dead. That will be $1,500, please.*

*$1,500?! I thought you said it was fifty bucks!"

"Yes, but that was before the Lab report and the cat scan. Those can be really expensive."

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When you transition people tell you “it’s like watching someone die”. Like yeah a fucking loser died. Just the absolute lamest dude you ever met. A real dogshit guy just bought it. So sorry your absolute failure of a man is gone and has been replaced by a hot chick, must be hard for you 🙄

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No transphobes allowed, only transborbs.

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Laptops are always so much more Fucked than phones in my experience. A laptop is like a beautiful horse that wants nothing more than to break all of its legs. A decently solid android phone will act normal

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Witches On Tinder

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and with your help it can rack up 700k notes on tumblr in 2024

no tumblr this doesnt need tags im releasing it into the wild as god intended

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Because sometimes we all just need to see a guy head-bump a beautiful Beluga whale

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i'm afraid the character limit in the former bird app is destroying my potential

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This is how it feels drawing new refs for ocs that I willingly created

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im gonna getcha! im gonna getcha!!!

omg stoppp!!! hehe ^_^ !!!!

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met a woman today whose original real actual given-at-birth first name is "Vendetta." ma'am are you aware you are a videogame protagonist and/or a character in a skullduggery pleasant novel. real quick sorry to bother you miss but who exactly were your parents expecting you to avenge in their name

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NEVER GIVE UP