thebitterflamingo

[thebitterflamingo]

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

[thebitterflamingo]

[thebitterflamingo]

Bruce loves his family desperately but he's got one mode and that's detective mode lol

Prev / Index

Commission Info / Kofi (members get comics a week early)

[thebitterflamingo]

You know those posts about one of Bruce’s kids getting kidnapped and him having no idea which kid they have based on the vague descriptions he’s given? Well now I can’t only imagine Bruce getting the dreaded call and immediately pulling out a guess who board filled entirely with his kids. Like

kidnapper: we have one of your children

Bruce: I have so many of those you need to be more specific

kidnapper: the loud and annoying one

Bruce, flipping down Cass and Duke: that does not help as much as you think it does

kidnapper: well he has black hair?

Bruce, flips down Steph: keep going

kidnapper: uhhhh? He’s short?

Bruce, flips down Dick and Jason leaving Tim and Damian: more specific

kidnapper: he’s been condescending and judgmental since we got him

Bruce: yeah they both tend to do that

kidnapper: he keeps throwing around words I don’t understand

Bruce, realizing that Damian and Tim are significantly more similar than he thought: uhh more specific?

kidnapper: more?? look just wore us the mon— WHERE’D HE HIDE A KATANA???

Bruce: ah you have Damian

[thebitterflamingo]

Both Jason’s and Tim have a severe case of middle child syndrome as a middle child here’s an accurate representation of what that looks like:

BRUCE: Tim please, we just couldn’t come.

TIM: yeah sure but you were with dick the whole time.

BRUCE: HE WAS BLEEDING OUT.

TIM: OK AND I HAD A SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT??

BRUCE: god you and Jason act the exact same way….

TIM: pardon me? It’s not my fault you pay more attention to the demon child and dick more than us.

BRUCE: I spent all of last weekend with both you and Jason. What do you MEAN?!

[thebitterflamingo]

Damian: So what’s for dinner?

Dick: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise!

Damian: …

Damian: Is it soup?

Dick: I soup-pose it could be! *winks*

Damian: Please, enough with the soup puns!

Dick: Wow, you’re soup-per mean.

Damian: STOP!

*one hour later*

Damian: It’s tacos?!?!?!

[thebitterflamingo]

So mad at how long this took

[thebitterflamingo]

*gasps*

~Gravity~ 🥹

Instead of the curse you intended to lift, you have accidentally broken a curse so ancient that it was assumed to be a fundamental law of the universe.

[thebitterflamingo]

Jason and Tim:

[thebitterflamingo]

Damian, the one driving the bus: 👀

Dick: Jason, if you die again, do you want to be buried or cremated? Like, if you were hit by a bus today, what do I do?

Jason: Go after the bus driver and make him pay for what he did to me. Avenge me, Dick.

[thebitterflamingo]

Nawh Jason would be like: taking YOUR place as Robin?? You mean he’s taking MY PLACE! Hold on I’ll be right there. 🔫😡

i do adore the aus where Damian and Jason are brothers from the league and Damian came to Gotham before Jason returned as Red Hood, because it gives me the image of Damian travelling to Gotham and trying to integrate himself into the family only to spitefully call Jason in the middle of the night after a week or two

Jason: isn’t it 2am where you are? why are you calling me?

Damian, whispering furiously under his bed: another boy got here before me and i need you to kill him

Jason:

Jason: huh?

Damian: some ‘Timothy Drake’ is TAKING MY PLACE-

Jason: the neighbour kid…?

Damian: -RUINING MY SPOT AS ROBIN. I DEMAND YOU COME TO GOTHAM AND KILL HIM FOR ME.

Jason: …why do i have to do it?

Damian: because Pennyworth wouldn’t let me when i tried.

Jason:

Jason: *deep sigh* i already told you, you can’t call me everytime you want somebody bumped off.

Damian: what about-

Jason: the time in france was a special circumstance because the guy was an ASS.

Damian:

Damian: :(

Jason: NO.

Damian: father has a glass case with your old Robin costume and a plaque that says ‘a good soldier’.

Jason, instantly: i’ll be in Gotham by the end of the week.

Damian: :D

[thebitterflamingo]

Yes Jason is the wine aunt.

i will forever stand by the fact that if Dick has eldest daughter syndrome then Jason has irresponsible estranged aunt syndrome.

Dick, to Damian: you have to hold my hand when we cross the street.

Damian: Richard-

Dick: LOOK BOTH WAYS

*meanwhile, two blocks away while Jason lets Tim do donuts on his motorcycle*

Jason, to Tim: yeah i can get us some weed. you know me and Roy used to take edibles and then take a bunch of paintball guns to an old abandoned railroad to role play as war veterans in the middle of a high-stakes battle, it’s so fucking fun i gotta teach you and Dami sometime, just don’t tell Dick or Bruce-

Tim: *starry eyed, listening with awe*

[thebitterflamingo]

Cass: *hands Jason a Lego person* here. I made you. Jason: *confused, because there are no Lego sets with Red Hood* what— *sees the Lego person, which has been cobbled together by combining a Deadpool head with a leather jacket, two guns and jeans* Cass: you do not like it? Jason: *sobbing* it’s the best thing I’ve ever been given oh my gosh

[thebitterflamingo]

To end the debates, men are XY and women are XX. So two men could have a girl, it would just be a 25% chance instead of the usual 50% chance. However, two women could only have female offspring. However, the whole debate is kinda whack as in a sci fi cloning scenario we don’t even know that the DNA would be split 50/50 considering that a viable clone likely already had a full set of chromosomes and portions would just have to be selectively replaced. Thank you for coming to my TED talk

Tim, holding something behind his back: don’t be mad.

Bruce, already getting mad: I won’t get mad, you can always talk to me. What’s going on?

Tim, revealing a swaddled baby: I messed up when cloning Kon and accidently spilt my DNA into it and now I have a clone baby with my dead situationship.

Bruce, flabbergasted: ..???

Bruce: why were you cloning- when did you start datin- I’m a grandpa?! No, go back, how did you ‘accidently’ spill DNA aren’t you paranoid too????

Tim, who may or may not have been crying over one of the clones and accidently cut his lip trying not to sob and got blood into a test chamber: that’s not important.

Bruce, hyperventilating: why is it so small????

Tim: cause she’s only two months old.

Bruce; I understand that, but even an average two month old should be-…

Bruce: two.

Bruce: you said two months.

Tim: you said you wouldn’t get mad.

Bruce: you hid a baby for TWO MONTHS?!

Tim: I WAS PANICKING LEAVE ME ALONE!

Bruce: IVE BEEN A GRANDPA FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME?!

Tim: WELL! I don’t know I’m seventeen, what did you expect?

Bruce, actively loosing brain cells: if you can clone your dead boyfriend-

Tim: we never actually started dating-

Bruce: -then you can tell your father you had a baby.

Tim: …

Tim: I’m not exactly sure what stage of being an adult I am, I started a little young I think.

Tim: but I am a mother now so don’t you dare yell at me.

Bruce: …

Tim: …

Bruce: …

Bruce: … can I hold her?

Tim, grinning in victory: wash your hands first and then you can.

LATER:

Bruce: why is she a girl if you and Kon are both male?

Tim: are you questioning my baby’s gender??? That’s so homophobic, gay men can raise girls.

Bruce: you know damn well I didn’t mean-

[thebitterflamingo]

Tbh they’re probably just scared that if they were honest about what they were up to they’d give the big blue Boy Scout a heart attack 😂

Apparently ‘child endangerment’ is a concern in any municipality but Gotham

The batkids are all terrors for Bruce, but I like to think that they'd all instantly be on their best behavior for Clark

Red Hood, holding a small child in one arm while running from the kids kidnappers and shooting at them when Superman flies down and saves them.

Superman- Is that a gun?

Red Hood, instinctively pointing at the kid- Its his.

Superman- It's his gun?

Red Hood- Yup. I just confiscated it. I'm the responsible one here

Spoiler, bragging about how she took down Two-Face when Clark walks in- He thought he could get away from me by getting on the freeway and laying down an oil slick, but I-... uhhhhh, steered around it... carefully. And then... followed after him.

Clark-...

Spoiler- He ran outta gas

Clark- Really.

[thebitterflamingo]

Damian: when i was small, my grandfather-

Tim: ha. ‘was’

Damian:

Damian: when i was small, my grandfather would have people torture me with knives to raise my pain tolerance.

Tim:

Tim: alright, well-

Damian: ashamed, Drake?

Tim: fuck you

[thebitterflamingo]

Ok the only thing better than the idea of baby Jason being a literal angel and growing up to be Red Hood is the idea that he was like this and the whole batfam just says he was an angel. 😭😂

~memories of the 80s~