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thedilucharem · 2 years ago

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A Collection of Headcanons - Food & Eating Edition!

Can They Cook?

Yes, for the most part.

Due to his time outside of Mondstadt, Diluc can make quick, efficient meals with what could be found as well as branch off into more technical meals and food.

Childe always prepped food and helped out in the kitchen while he still lived with his family, so he can cook for himself and others with a higher success rate.

The only things Beidou knows how to make are fried fish fillet and grilled fish on a skewer, but she's been doing it for so long that they come out perfect each time.

Zhongli can cook and he can do it rather well, but with his in-depth knowledge of Liyuen cuisine and his habits, the cooking time for the meals takes days to conclude if he did it his way.

Besides his signature meal, which is his granny's recipe modified by him a bit, Itto cannot cook to save his life as any cooking done by him is guaranteed to put him in some sort of trouble.

Can They Bake?

Barely, perhaps in theory.

Diluc can make some tea and cookies in theory, but it would take more time than he's willing to spend in the kitchen. He would probably ask Adelinde to help him with it if he tried.

Childe's mother did most of the baking and he's passable at the basic dough, but anything more elaborate than that and he's a lost cause. He's too impatient to do something for that long.

Even if The Alcor could have an oven on it, the ship is made of wood and that is highly flammable. Beidou doesn't even like pastries and sweets that much anyway, so she wouldn't even try.

Zhongli is the only one here that would bake as a hobby, but as stated before, he would take days as he would be extremely particular about which ingredients he uses.

The last time Itto tried making cookies for his grandma, he gave himself intense food poisoning. This is why Shinobu has a certification in baking specifically.

More under the cut!

Diluc -

Background

As someone who's enterprising and self-starting as well as a member of a family who has been in the wine-making business for centuries, he's going to know a thing or two about growing food.

I personally think that grapes are not the only thing that grows in the Dawn Winery, as he would have orchards for types of apples and cherries, berry bushes for valberries and wolfhooks, and maybe some citrus trees if he can manage it.

He would also have some beehives for the help of pollinating all of his crops and to also get some honey (he and some of the staff planted some flowers to help along with this as well).

He wouldn't really be planting crops like corn, wheat, and barley all that much as he mostly dabbles in wines, but there's no one saying that he wouldn't do it down the line.

Diluc has been trying to breed and develop certain types of grapes for more non-alcoholic drinks and juices, and this has had mixed results so far.

I also feel as if at some point, he will begin to dabble in some vegetable gardening for more of his own personal enjoyment as he ages in years.

Habits

Diluc may know a great deal about growing food, but this is nothing compared to him eating food.

One thing that is certain about his meals is that no matter what they are, they will be quite large as he will burn through that and more before the day is done.

When he's not working as hard as he usually does, he'll have more filling things such as mashed potatoes and gravy, a nice stack of pancakes, a stuffed omelet, or a large helping of bacon. Perhaps at the same time.

While he is on the clock, however, he'll opt for something quick and nutritious that can be eaten on the go, such as some toast with jam and butter, a granola bar, or some fruit.

He will occasionally indulge in a bit of snacking, which will be a piece of jerky, trail mix, or dried fruit as he's often out and about when he starts getting hungry after a meal.

Likes & Dislikes

Despite him being raised in proper aristocratic fashion and having the privilege to be a picky eater, I will say that he is the type to eat his greens responsibly as any adult does, but if he was given a choice, he would opt for an option with meat in it.

Some of his more favored dishes feature red meat and pork exclusively and are almost always slathered in butter or cheese.

He also has a bit of a sweet tooth, as his favorite drink is grape juice and he's been shown to like more subtle sweets.

So naturally, he's not going to like anything strong and bitter, like wine.

In terms of dislikes, he's not that into fish and would opt out of having it if there were other options to be had as he is not a big fan of the flavor or the texture.

Diluc absolutely will not eat anything that is overly spicy. He wants to eat a meal, not set his mouth on fire.

Childe -

Background

Of course, he knows how to fish, but specializes in ice fishing and the creatures that come out of it, so he can cut, prep, and cook just about anything that comes out of the water.

I would imagine that Childe also has a bit of a green thumb, as I would expect his family to have a small garden for the warmer spring and summer months.

On that note, sometimes some people in the village would forage for berries and wild plants during this time to add a little bit of variety to their diets.

I don't think he had a high-quality meal typical for 'well-off' folk until he was promoted into the Fatui Harbingers, as military food is hardly a step up from home-cooked meals.

Sugar or anything involved with it was rare enough for Childe to only expect sweets on special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.

His family would likely have chickens that have adapted to the conditions, as they are easier to maintain and look after than bigger animals, so he had eggs and chicken occasionally.

Habits

In the remote village in the middle of Snezhnaya's version of Siberia, food would occasionally be hard to come by, so you ate what you were given.

Childe has retained this mentality, the intensity of it really coming to light in the midst of the Abyss, where the 'food' was more than questionable by normal human standards.

So he'll eat anything that's edible, including leather if it comes down to that, but he draws the line at outright cannibalism (or so I hope).

Normally, he has a small breakfast to get him going, a decent lunch if his schedule allows for it, and a dinner in which the size fluctuates depending on if he's still out or free from work.

He makes sure to eat as it is fuel for his body, but he also seems like the type to rip and tear until it's done, so once the adrenaline wears off, he undergoes the endeavor of heavy snacking.

Not much of a drinker, despite the culture he comes out of. Most of the fire-water he's had has been moon shined from his neighbors or the real intense stuff the Harbingers have.

Likes & Dislikes

Childe doesn't have anything that he won't eat, but this doesn't mean that he won't choose something else when there are choices.

Childe loves his soups and stews, that's for sure. To him, all of them are good, but it's better if seafood is used as the base and is in some of the food as chunks.

He almost always chooses seafood when he's out and about, whether it's grilled, steamed, boiled, fried, or whatever, but if there's none to be had, he'll fall back on meat most of the time.

While he won't be picky about it, he doesn't like eating greens and fruit that much, but if they're flavorful and robust, he'll be more inclined to eat them.

Childe likes to say that he doesn't have a sweet tooth, but despite his honesty in certain areas, he is absolutely lying about this. He just practices an uncharacteristic self-control over it.

Beidou -

Background

Like Childe, there's nothing that Beidou will not eat, but it wasn't because of wintertime or similar circumstances as much as there was simply nothing much to be had. No food is bad food if it's edible.

If she couldn't forage for it, it was likely snatched away from some vendor or passerby that wasn't paying attention, and that's when she wasn't caught.

The moment Beidou had that first bit of cooked fish from some villagers, however, it was an instant connection that would stick for the rest of her life.

If you ask Beidou to cut up a fish, she'll ask you which way as she holds an almost encyclopedic knowledge of fish cuts and preparation.

Due to various circumstances, Beidou taught herself to cook relatively simple meals that could be made on an open fire or with only a few ingredients.

On rare occasions, she would get paid for odd jobs with a decent meal or some food, and this would be rationed for a day or two if it was possible.

Habits

Back in those days, fruits were plucked from trees, things were snatched from stalls, food was salvaged from places, and fish were caught when she got the chance. You ate what you managed to get.

When she eventually got employed by a crew full-time, their rations and meals were what she lived on and ate, so I can't imagine that snacking is something she does.

After eventually coming into her own and gaining a substantial amount of money, she would have plenty of options in terms of what she could eat, but she mostly keeps it simple.

There are a lot of greens and vegetables that she purposely incorporates into her meals for the sake of health and variety to ensure she can operate at full capacity.

You cannot tell me that Beidou did not try everything under the sun upon making landfall in Mondstadt, Inazuma, Sumeru, etc. for the first time.

She had her first drink after her first encounter with Haishan and hasn't stopped since, though it's currently nowhere near to how much she used to drink regularly.

Likes & Dislikes

Like it was said with Childe before, Beidou is not picky with her food. She will eat what is available for her to eat and that's it.

As someone who also willingly subjects herself to Xiangling's new dishes and attempts, she'll eat just about anything that's considered edible.

This does not mean that she does not have preferences; if she's on land and she doesn't have to eat ship rations, she won't, as she'll prefer just about anything else.

She likes foods served warm, which could be grilled, stir-fried, boiled, or anything to do with the heat in the cooking process.

Beidou is nowhere near Yelan's level of eating raw Jueyan chili peppers, but trust that there is a robust amount of spice in her meals.

She's not necessarily a fan of sweets all that much and doesn't like things that are too plain and bland. She also doesn't like things that are cold by design or otherwise unless it's alcohol paired with the meal.

Zhongli -

Background

Before we start off, we must acknowledge that this man has had the time to gather the knowledge and wisdom to cultivate a truly immaculate palette for food.

This, however, does not mean that he always had it and as such, I believe wholeheartedly that before, he ate of the fruit of the trees, the roots of the ground, and the meat of the creatures. Which creatures these were would remain a mystery lost to time.

Marchosius introduced him, the other adepti, and the people of Liyue to the concept of cooking food and as such, he developed a fondness for good food.

Slowly, he learned from Marchosius and the other adepti who had mastered it before him, and so he became quite good at preparing food.

Nowadays in his life as a mortal, he mostly eats out and samples what there is to taste, but he is more than willing to prepare a meal for others and himself.

Habits

Despite him forgetting his wallet, he manages to eat three decently-sized meals a day.

These meals are optimized for nutrition, flavor, and presentation as well as the contents thereof.

If he's not eating food from outside, the prep time of his meals takes no less than three hours at a time.

A good chunk of his paychecks (or the funeral's finances) go towards the food that he buys for himself, as he sources his food from no less than the high-end of what is available.

If he's out and about, he'll buy a snack from one of the vendors in the streets. This could be a chicken skewer, some sweet thing, or a small bowl of fresh fruit.

Food is a very communal experience for him, so it is highly likely that he will strike up a discussion and talk while eating the meal.

Likes & Dislikes

Zhongli is extremely particular about what he eats. He's lived a multitude of lives and knows damn well what he likes.

Anything that comes out of the ocean is getting written off unless it doesn't look like it, and even then it's highly unlikely that he'll put it anywhere near his mouth.

Every meal must be accompanied by tea, juice, or alcohol. If there's water, it must be flavored with something.

Unlike any senior citizen one may associate with him, Zhongli will not stand for anything plain or bland in his food. In his eyes, it defeats the purpose.

He will eat every non-seafood dish from Wanmin Restaurant, but in the case that it's not Wanmin he's eating at, he likes things with a broth or soup base, sandwich-like foods, and hor dourves.

Zhongli isn't opposed to spice, but he doesn't want it to overwhelm the rest of the meal.

Arataki Itto -

Background

If one is to blatantly ignore the in-game model and solely focus on lore, one can come to the conclusion that Arataki Itto is huge, but he was not always that big.

In fact, it can be said that after the fact of his parent's deaths, he was tossed out onto the streets and had his fair share of malnutrition on top of everything else he endured.

As such, he would forage around for food and eat it, regardless of if he could or not, which meant that at a young age, he suffered from allergic reactions to soybeans.

He would also play games and hope to win snacks back in that day as well, but as one would imagine, there were much higher stakes at play than the light-heartedness of the matter today.

Now in the current day, he does get a good fraction of food from this method and the ready accessibility of food in general lends credence to his size.

Habits

The types of food he eats are more things that can be carried in his hands and finger foods as he's on the go and running around.

If he is mostly left to his own devices, there is a higher chance that he will skip meals in favor of whatever he's doing at the time.

As such, he's doing a lot more snacking than actually having a proper meal, much to the consternation of his deputy and the concern of his granny.

One particular thing about Itto is that he more or less acts as if meals are meant to be shared amongst friends more than anything else.

Whether it's lavender melons roasted over a fire, sitting at a ramen cart, standing at a booth in a festival, or just simply being amongst friends with food involved, Itto is definitely happier with people around.

He's naturally inclined to play with his food in a sense, such as competing to see who can eat it the fastest, how much of it he can eat, and things of that nature.

He's also one to share his snacks on the occasion that his typically competitive mood leaves him or he notices that someone is without anything to eat.

Likes & Dislikes

If I haven't brought it up enough, then let me state it clearly: He does not like and cannot eat soybeans.

Even dismissing the blatant trauma associated with the bean in its unrefined form, he will be at risk for a fatality if they're around.

After he was taken in, this was figured out relatively quickly and as such, adjustments to Inazuman staples were made.

As a result, he will eat pretty much anything and occasionally forgets that no, his granny did not make this food and he should check before eating it because there might be soy in it.

Outside of that, he'll eat pretty much anything, but he leans mostly toward sugary sweets, drinks, and big heavy meals.

Ramen is a favorite dish of his and after he was introduced to Almond Tofu, he hasn't had enough of it, but he'll always have a lollipop on him if it isn't already in his mouth.

Bonus! - Headcanons

In the fishing competitions they have, Beidou consistently comes out on top, leaving Childe and Itto to fight over second place. The winner gets to prep the fishy dish how they like.

While Diluc's affinity for mixology and making drinks isn't even brought into question, he prefers cooking to baking.

Itto is not a fan of slime condensate but loves jello and as such, no one will tell him what's in the jello.

If there's one thing Childe won't willingly eat, it's dark chocolate.

Zhongli has compiled a small cookbook with some of the adepti for his own personal use and circulation amongst friends.

Despite being readily willing to try Xiangling's newest culinary creations, Beidou is no stranger to the bouts of her bowels staunchly rejecting the crazier ones.

Diluc has gone hunting for his own food more than once.

The only thing they can agree on in terms of food is that no one in their right mind would eat nothing but bread or rice as a meal.

#let them eat #headcanons #diluc #childe #beidou #zhongli #arataki itto #diluc harem au

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thedilucharem · 2 years ago

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"You ought to take me at my word on this particular matter. Trust, you will thank me after the festivities have concluded."

-- Zhongli after telling Beidou about a certain bard and his drinking

#drabble #zhongli #beidou #venti #diluc harem au

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thedilucharem · 2 years ago

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A Collection of Headcanons (Part IX)

Besides Beidou, Kazuha greatly enjoys Zhongli's company and likes listening to him talk.

Childe has dragged Diluc and Kaeya out to go ice-dipping in Dragonspine.

Zhongli likes collecting rocks with unusual formations and physical shapes; he puts them on display on a designated shelf.

Itto found out that Diluc could spit literal fire from his mouth after insisting that he couldn't.

Needless to say, it has become a fascination to him and it is only a matter of time before Thoma is roped into it somehow.

Zhongli has no reason to be good at Charades, but he is anyway.

Diona has a simmering hatred for the harem by their association with Diluc, but has made a notable exception for Childe.

Ningguang is no longer allowed to play Genius Invokation TCG with Itto or Zhongli for somewhat disputed reasons.

#headcanons #diluc #childe #beidou #zhongli #arataki itto #kazuha #kaeya #thoma #diona #ningguang #diluc harem au

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thedilucharem · 2 years ago

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"Seriously? 'Monsters & Machines'? You know what, no I'm not playing with either of you now. Have fun."

-- Beidou after Ningguang and Diluc introduced an RPG mechanic into Liyue Millennial

#drabble #beidou #ningguang #diluc #diluc harem au

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thedilucharem · 2 years ago

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Outside of an alleyway, at two in the morning . . .

Diluc: (irritated) So let me get this straight. Somehow, you two managed to get blacklisted from one of the seediest taverns in Mondstadt because Zhongli lost to you in a drinking match?

Venti: (drunk as hell, slurs) It was . . . one of the most captivating things . . . I've ever seen in my life! I wish . . . that I had a Kamera or somethin' . . . to remember it by . . .

Diluc: And the extensive property damages and the fact that you two cleared most of their stock in one night isn't why either, right?

Venti: (giggles obnoxiously) I told the blockhead . . . to pace himself a bit . . . but noooo, he's retired and he thinks he can beat me . . . (begins to fall over)

Diluc: (catches him by the shoulders) Oh, no you don't. (shakes him) You don't get to pass out because I already have to carry him home!

Zhongli is splayed out on top of a crate, passed out with a massive bruise on the side of his face. The bard's got hands, apparently.

Venti: (staggers up and begins to drunkenly walk away) Tell him . . . that he can kiss my ass! (slips and falls over) Ow. (weakly) Help me.

Diluc: (sighs as he gets him up and hoists him up) You know, I ought to leave you out here for the city to deal with. You would be completely fine either way.

Venti: (cheekily) Rosaria would've found me before anything happened to me . . .

Diluc: (drily) I highly doubt she'd even come looking for you to begin with. (begins to lift Zhongli up) Help me out with him, you're plenty sober enough and he's not waking up anytime soon.

Zhongli is not a lightweight by any means, but this guy cannot fight in any capacity while drunk and Venti not only throws down if his drinks are spilled but has bitten before and will gladly do it again.

#drabble #diluc #venti #zhongli #diluc harem au

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thedilucharem · 2 years ago

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Happy New Year and here's to another year of fun and wacky hijinks! Thanks for coming by and sticking around. You guys are great and I wouldn't trade y'all for the world.

#mod speaks #happy new year!#new year 2023

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thedilucharem · 2 years ago

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As One Learns And Remembers . . .

This one's being written in honor of my former scalp, which is gone after seeing his birthday art because his boss really outed him like that. I think I do enough with the characterization here and one of them's new, but I think I got the core elements of them down. Self-indulgent as fuck.

In Yujing Terrace . . .

Zhongli: (wiping his mouth with a handkerchief) Mmm. This was a pleasant meal to be had with you. Thank you for inviting me along.

Diluc: (sets down his chopsticks) The pleasure is all mine. Now, for the bill-

Zhongli: (raises his hand) Allow me to pay for it. It's only fair for me to cover the bill.

Diluc: (raises his eyebrow skeptically)

Zhongli: (pulls out his wallet, politely) Please, I insist. It's only fair for me to cover the bill after you invited me out.

Zhongli sets down the payment, including a decent tip.

Diluc: (genuinely surprised) You didn't have to-

Zhongli: (chuckles, teasing lightly) I do have funds of my own, Diluc. I simply need to get into the habit of remembering to have it on my person.

Diluc: (awkwardly coughs into his fist) Of course. It's just a matter of what to expect. Thank you for paying.

Zhongli: (puts his wallet away) Now that the bill settled, shall we go for a stroll before we go to the theater? It would be my treat to take you as there's a limited show playing.

Diluc: (nods, agreeably) Yes, I would like that very much.

Diluc thought that the show itself was quite good, but to him, the fact that Zhongli actually covered the costs was something else entirely.

---

Somewhere in the Southern Wharf . . .

Zhongli: (observing a collection of letter openers, holding one) The carved engraving in the hilt is very intricate . . . (holds it up closer) What do you think of it?

Childe: (leans down to look at it, plainly) I really like the blade itself. It's been made well and looks like it'll do its job well. (turns to the display) Wait, I really like this one! (points to one in particular)

Zhongli: Hm? (looks at what he's pointing at) Oh, that is a nice one.

Childe: (thinking on it) You know, I really might get it. It looks durable enough to function as a shank if I need it to.

Zhongli: (unfazed) And it is for a decent price as well.

Childe: (spies something beyond the stall) Hold on, what is that over there . . . (already going towards that area)

Zhongli: (to the merchant, pulling out his wallet) I would like to purchase that letter opener, please.

The letter opener in a display case is a long silvery blade, dark, finished wood carved with what looks to be fish. The carving is filled with blue resin and the blade is engraved with Liyuen script on the edge. When he received it, Childe was very touched to say the least.

---

At Third-Round Knockout . . .

Zhongli: (waves a waiter over) Another round of drinks and those specialty rice balls for me and my friend, please.

Zhiruo: (nods) Of course, sir. (goes to prepare the food)

Beidou: (still cackling over something he said five minutes ago, fairly buzzed) Archons, that's unbelievable . . .

Zhongli: (turns to her) As unbelievable as it sounds, that is indeed the case. If you had been there to see it yourself, you'd find that it's not as impossible as you'd think to flip a crocodile onto its back.

Beidou: (wipes a tear from her eye) No, not that . . . that's perfectly believable . . .

Zhongli: (confused) Then what's so unbelievable about it? I'm only telling you what happened.

Beidou: (releases a noise akin to a wheeze as she laughs that much harder)

Zhongli: (unable to help but half-heartedly roll his eyes) I know not why you find it so funny, but to each their own, I suppose.

After the refreshments arrive, they chow down and converse some more, their combined energy eventually winding down as the storytelling for the evening starts. Whether Beidou notes that Zhongli paid for the meal this time or not is hardly of any concern at this moment.

---

At Heyu Tea House . . .

Itto: You know, Gramps, I had absolutely no idea that Ushi was a fan of tea! Ever since you introduced him to it, it's like he can't get enough of the stuff!

Ushi: (sitting on a cushion, lapping at a bowl of tea) Moo, moo.

Itto: (pats Ushi on the head) You're welcome, buddy! And while we're here, maybe Gramps can show you some more teas later.

Ushi: (pointedly) Moo, moo. Moo.

Zhongli: (considering) You'd like something a bit stronger this time?

Ushi: (firmly) Moo. Moo, moo . . . moo.

Zhongli: (nods) Duly noted. Your taste is quite interesting, Ushi. I may try some of your suggestions myself later.

To help with the translation: Ushi is very direct about his likes and dislikes.

Itto: (digs around his pockets and pulls out a few lollipops, opening one and giving it to Ushi) Here you go!

Ushi: (nabs it with his mouth nudging Itto's hand with his head, muffled) Moo.

Itto: (laughs a little) Don't worry about it, man! (hands a lollipop to Zhongli) You like the fruit punch one, right?

Zhongli: (smiles, taking it) Yes. I am quite fond of the flavor. Thank you, Itto.

Itto doesn't blink when Zhongli pays for Ushi's selection of five teas, but for whatever reason, he feels great about it.

---

At Wangsheng Funeral Parlor . . .

Zhongli: (looking over some documents quietly)

Hu Tao: (suddenly pops up from behind him, clapping her hands on his shoulders, loudly) Boo!

Zhongli: (did not flinch, unfazed) Hello, Director Hu.

Hu Tao: (deflates a little, arms falling away from his shoulders) Aw, I thought I got you for sure that time.

Zhongli: (turns to her) Did you happen to need something from me?

Hu Tao: (perks back up immediately, swinging around to the other side of his desk before rocking on her feet) Only an answer to a question - one question - of mine. (drawn out) So . . . .

Zhongli: (sighs, before asking) What question would you have for me?

Hu Tao: (swiftly goes from bouncy to dead serious) How do you like your gift?

Zhongli: (ponders on it, then says) It is a wonderful gift, Director. (heartfelt) Thank you for seeing it fit to get it for me.

Hu Tao: (eyebrows raised in some surprise, snaps back to her usual self, embellished) You are most certainly welcome, Mr. Zhongli! (bows) As much as I'd love to chat some more, I must leave you to your work. (waves directly in his face) Ta-ta! (dashes out of the room)

Zhongli: (blinks once, then allows himself to laugh a little, fondly) That child . . .

---

While we're here: 41 followers! Thanks for sticking around during this dry period. I'm trying to get back into it but the years start coming and they haven't stopped coming for a hot second. As such, I'm quite busy, but I felt I could bust this thing out in one go, so here!

An attempt was made to incorporate the five love languages and I don't know if I was successful or now. Have fun guessing them because I'm still guessing myself. Happy birthday, old man.

I shall continue to perpetuate that Ushi is not only sentient but on the thinking level of the Aranara if not Guoba. There's a brain in that head of his, I'm sure of it.

#long post #zhongli #diluc #childe #beidou #arataki itto #hu tao #yujing terrace #southern wharf #third-round knockout #heyu tea house #feiyun slope #wangsheng funeral parlor #liyue harbor #liyue #diluc harem au

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thedilucharem · 3 years ago

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(Damn, I'm good.)

"Have any of you ever punched a ghost before? No? Then shut up."

-- Arataki Itto upon being questioned about why he 'doesn't like' ghosts

#reblog #mod speaks

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thedilucharem · 3 years ago

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"Huh? Taxes?"

Inspired by a fierce need to keep my mood as alleviated as possible and thoughts about how they view taxes as well as some speculative world-building as per usual. Written in one shot as beta is for cowards. Borders on crack, but I attempt to keep the authenticity of the characters alive.

One evening in Spirit's Keep . . .

Beidou: (slightly buzzed, wipes her upper lip of beer) Did I ever tell you about the time I was tax-exempt because I was clinically dead for over two minutes?

Childe: (pauses, asking in disbelief) What?

Beidou: (casually) Yeah, I get it, Liyue's tax laws get really weird once you start really thinking about them. I think you can still get tax-exempt if you're brain-dead for more than two weeks though, right?

Zhongli: (nods, holding his teacup) I believe so.

Childe: (to himself) What the actual fuck?

Zhongli: (did not hear him or did not care) This exemption was originally written into law as some individuals during the times of the Cataclysm did indeed die, but were able to come back to life through certain means and circumstances. (pondering) I believe they were legally referred to as 'the undead', though I can't think of many extreme examples like those that would apply to today's age.

Beidou: Yeah, and the loophole doesn't work even anymore either since a couple folks in the Qixing patched it up. (elbows Childe lightly, jokingly) So don't go trying to die on me, eh?

Childe: . . . would a Snezhnayan even get one of those exemptions?

Beidou: (shrugs) Probably not, as you ain't from here and they tax you different over there.

Childe: (under his breath) That was a rhetorical question. (to Diluc) Comrade, does Mondstadt have anything like that in your taxes?

Diluc: (simply) I don't pay taxes. No one in Mondstadt does.

Childe: (stupefied) Huh?

Diluc: (sighs while putting his grape juice down) Due to Mondstadt's history and recent events, the Church of Barbatos sees tax collection as 'heresy' and will actively put a stop to any attempts like it that start to pop up.

Childe: . . . But how does that even work with how your public stuff is set up?

Diluc: (matter-of-factly) Citizens are encouraged to donate and most of them do so happily. The wealthier families see it as some sort of 'honor' to fill the coffers, though it's more for the sake of tradition than anything.

Childe: And you do too?

Diluc: (coolly) My time, service, and contributions are more than payment enough.

That is a resounding no.

Childe: (slowly) . . . sure. (to Itto) And you?

Itto: Hmm? (looks up from a half-painted figurine, paintbrush in hand) What's up?

Childe: (curiously) Your taxes, comrade. How do you do them?

Itto: (genuinely) What are taxes?

Zhongli and Beidou promptly spray their respective drinks through their nostrils in surprise and shock while Diluc fishes out a handkerchief for each of them, shocked, but certainly not surprised.

Childe just becomes more numb than he looks.

Diluc: (frowns, somewhat concerned) You don't know what taxes are?

Itto: (quickly becoming indignant) What? Am I supposed to know what they are? Does it have something to do with fines or whatever?

Beidou: (chokes back her shocked laughter, blowing into the handkerchief) I mean . . . kind of, I think?

Childe: (exhales deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose) You've been alive for this long, and yet you have no idea . . . (in disbelief) How are you not in prison?

Itto: Huh? Prison? But I didn't do anything!

Zhongli: (coolly, recovered) Consider the fact that he has a deputy that likely takes care of that for him in place of himself.

Try telling me that Shinobu isn't certified in personal taxes for this specific reason.

Childe: Oh. That makes plenty of sense, actually. At least, I think so. Most other people probably do their taxes themselves, right?

Beidou: Pfft. Not me, that's for sure.

Mora-Grubber is a god at finding loopholes in tax law.

Diluc: If I have the time.

Elzer does them and that's only for exporting.

Childe: Yeah . . . I don't do mine either.

Snezhnayan bureaucracy is good at their jobs.

Itto: (nudges Zhongli's shoulder with his own, back to painting his figurine) What about you, Gramps?

Zhongli: (sips his tea, smoothly) I don't believe I've ever had to worry about that.

Hu Tao had the foresight to hire an accountant and they advised her to set aside the part of his paycheck meant for his taxes.

---

I find the idea of Mondstadters hating taxes due to the implications of a higher class of people doing it to them to be hilarious. There's also a certain strangeness the outsider attributes to the children of Liyue talking about taxes as if that's a normal thing to discuss. Itto does have an idea of money being 'taken' for certain reasons, but Shinobu has yet to break that down for him. Childe just trusts the system.

I can offer no further explanation other than because I can and because I wanted to.

#long post #beidou #childe #zhongli #diluc #arataki itto #spirit's keep #feiyun slope #liyue harbor #liyue #diluc harem au

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