thedreamyreality-blog1

[thedreamyreality-blog1]

Hey, internet. It's been a while. Here's an update with my love life.

About M, we reached our 3rd anniversary then I broke things off with him. Hold on to your seats because this is a wild update.

When I was in my senior year, M and I's relationship was rocky. I was getting realizations this time that I was doing all the effort for the relationship. I plan the dates, I initiate hang outs. I even asked him to step up because he got comfortable. Like his interest was nowhere to be found. He took this as an offense and started going off on me. He told me that he gave me allowance once when I had none. He was listing things he paid for. And none of those things, I demanded from him. I paid him with every single cent I got. Mind you I was in college, just quit my job to focus on my last few months in college. I didn't have enough free time to work. I was doing thesis, even crafting campaigns for our final requirements. At this point, I was focusing on how will I survive. Thank God for my parents, I was grateful even with those small amounts of money.

He told me that what I paid him was enough and that he'll consider it paid. After that, I broke things off. He was shocked. He thought it was all about money, but no. It was him being too comfortable with me doing all the work in the relationship, I even had to pay for our dates the last few months of our relationship. Even though he got a job and 3 times earning more than me (I have a part time job, he got a full time job). He was very frugal with me that I get embarrassed if he pays for our date with a frown on his face. He was really shocked that I want to break up. Even in this time, I tried to mend things between us by cooling off first. But after that argument, I can't bring myself to say that I still love him. I can't even remember why I loved him. I don't know why I'm not cutting him off completely. No. I think I know now. It was my longest relationship. And I feel like it's completely going to waste if I just end it. I have invested so much already, but I know I'm going to regret in the future if I prolong this.

But that time, I didn't know how to come to terms with my feelings. I was scared with that big of a decision. But I wished ended it right away. I didn't talk to him for days and weeks. I was in a shared house with my blockmates, and I found my people there. I started living with them with a broken heart and they healed me. They healed a heart they didn't break. I was unstoppable. I shared things with them. Was vulnerable. Created friendships. I was already fearless. Before completing my senior year, I cut him off completely.

I was already over him after months of grieving him. Even when we were together, I was already grieving. So everyone was so shocked I got over him that fast. But it wasn't fast as anyone thought it would be. They didn't know about the nights I went to sleep with a heavy heart because M cannot understand why I wanted to spend time with him. M told me, he could not give me everything I want. When in fact I only asked for his time. After all that mess, there was this guy. Let's call him R. R comforted me also in that house. And no, we didn't flirt while we were living in that shared house. And yes, I already cut M off during my time in that house. No overlapping. I am a lady, and ladies do not have time for 2 boyfriends. I am already busy with academics itself.

R comforted me alongside with other friends. We had this circle, where we all drank til morning while openly talk about our problems. It was therapy session (but it was unhealthy since it has alcohol involved). But yeah, he was part of that circle. We only started talking when we weren't living with each other anymore. He initiated it. And even though it was kind of weird, I told him I wasn't looking for anything right now. He said he would wait. But the rumors got around that we were into each other. The circle even teased us, calling us "love" like an endearment. Is this relevant? Yes. Because M found out about that love thing. And he crashed out online. He told me that I was a cheater. And that I moved on too fast. And painted himself like a victim online. I was going to address it on my own social media but, I figured, let them be.

I knew M very well. He loves the attention he gets from social media, to the point that he posts everyday to get a reaction from me. He was a narcissist. Everyone commented that they support him. If they only knew my side, I thought. But hey, I don't want any connection with him. I didn't clap back. He didn't stop posting on social media about me (because I have him blocked on every single one of my socials).

Anyw, fast forward. Me and R had this slow burn type, we agreed to be friends first then we slowly became a couple. To which I regret. He became toxic eventually. When we argue, he would go completely silent. Or if we call online then we argued, he would end the call and not text back for 2 days. It was always like that. With him, it was mind games. Then we broke up, I found out he still has feelings for our blockmate (his ex fling) the day I agreed to be his girlfriend. Where in that day, he told me, he has no other feelings for anyone but me. We broke up then got together again for a day, since he told me that he thinks he wants to get back together with me, then broke up with me after a day because he thought he wants to get back together but honestly, he just misses me. Then we got into a fuck buddy situation. I KNOW MESSY RIGHT? But that whole setup didn't last long.

When he got a fever, I asked his mom if he went to work. He didn't because his fever was high. I went from my city to his, and it's about 2 hours away. I took care of him. And that's when I started pitying myself. If I had a fever, would he go to my city to take care of me? Even if it takes him 2 hours to get there? Knowing him, I got my answer. He would just call me and tell me to take care of myself because he's not there to take care of me. I said my good byes and that's where I started to let go. I didn't deserve this kind of relationship. I wouldn't want my future husband to be like this — uncertain about me.

But there's good news, guys.

After 3 months, I reconnected with a friend (not a romantic interest). We shared gossip (like we always do back then). Then we talked about this guy that I had a thing way back, he broke up with his long time girlfriend. She(my friend) couldn't believe it. The guy is her friend by the way, let's call him J. I told her she can confirm it with J, since they're close. And as the mischievous little devil that she is, she texted J about it and even told him that I was the one asking! I was so embarrassed. I told her to tell him that she's joking but it was already too late. She even sent my picture that time to confirm that I was really with her. J and I, we had miscommunicated back in high school that's why we didn't work out. J told my friend that he wants to meet, and started to chat me up. I was really furious with my friend. Like how could she. I told her that I don't want something right now. She told me that it's just him reconnecting and making up to the lost time that we had so I should give it a chance. So I did.

After a few days of chatting, I was getting real bored. Until he insisted on meeting up. We met up, catched up. I even remembered why I liked him back then. After that, I was hooked. I told him that I wasn't looking for a relationship though, because the break up messed me up. But he was so patient with me, that after a month, I agreed on dating him. It was the best decision I have ever made.

THIS MAN? 6 months in with him, still obsessed with me. We had little arguments here and there, like normal couples, but his mindset blows me away. That's what I like about him. His humour? A big pass for me. When I'm with him, I'm laughing uncontrollably. I get why I like him so much when I was 16. Man, I love him. I hope he's the one I marry. I wish he's the one. Everything feels natural with J, I hope to be with him for the rest of my life. Do I sound crazy???

Anyway, that's the rollercoaster update, guys. Ciao. Til the next. 😉

Am I pretending?

I have someone I think I love? I mean he loves me so much. And at the first place, I really don’t have feelings for him. He only has feelings for me. Then I had a boyfriend. Not him. Other guy. Let’s call the other guy, L.

L was kind of emotionally manipulative sad fuck boy (I realized this when we’re already together, like 3 months in.). So I was really emotionally tired with this man, and the guy who has feelings for me, the first guy? Let’s call him M. So M is like a friend to me. He asked me how it was with L, and at first I didn’t really told him the truth. But eventually I was looking for someone to vent out to, and M was there. He was always there. Even when he got a girlfriend. But we didn’t talk that much ‘cause I don’t want to cause him trouble and I don’t want to start a fight with my boyfriend at that time.

Fast forward, me and my boyfriend were on and off. M saw that we were. So he kinda took the chance and tried to court me. I declined. He was still in a relationship at that time, it was fucked up. And I was still in love with L. M still tried to pursue me, and I was really harsh on him. I said he was a cheater. And that he should stay faithful to his girlfriend. But he said, he loves the girl but loves me more. And then I say that he shouldn’t be fucking around like that. If that is what he feels then he should break up with the girl.

He did. He broke up with the girl.

I was still stuck with L. It took me months after I decided that I don’t want to have that toxic on and off relationship anymore.

I was devastated. I really am. I was emotionally tired. Plus I can’t accept the fact that L and I will never get back together.

M heard the news. Said that he can be a rebound.

I was out of my mind that time, to the point that I said yes. He said that it’s okay that I don’t have feelings for him yet. Just so he could be with me by my side.

Yes, I’m dumb. But I was broken at that time. I really needed comfort.

So we we’re together right?

He was doing a lot of effort to hang out with me. And all that cute shit. It felt nice, it felt new to me. And I think I was starting to like him because I was getting the butterflies.

Or did I? Or was it because he was the only one there for me in my vulnerable times?

Now we’re 8 months in. Sometimes I feel nothing. Like I don’t want to talk to him, because it felt like I’m just forcing myself. Sometimes I feel like I like him. Sometimes I really forget about messaging him. That it became a habit.

I talked to him about it. That I think I was starting to lose feelings.. (Or did I really have feelings?)

He begged me to put some more effort not to lose feelings. I did.

But as time pass, I just think that I’m just used to him being there.

I really don’t know if I love him. I think my heart is broken(or my head), because I can’t really distinguish what I’m feeling.

Sometimes I feel like I’m pretending to love him. I’m not sure.

I’m going to talk to him about this again.

Wow, reading all of this makes me think that I’m really broken inside.

[thedreamyreality-blog1]

Update:

I forgot about this post. I thought it might be cool to update the internet on what happened.

After that post, I did talk to him about it. I forgot the exact words that he said, but he said something along the lines of "we're going to get through this". He knows that we hopped on this relationship pretty quick, kinda like we missed steps. Like getting to know each other (we did not do this the first thing we made it official because we knew each other, yeah, we really rushed the lovey dovey things).

We agreed on getting to know each other more. Like asking random questions about ourselves, or maybe telling a story about a pet we had when we were younger. At first, it was rough because I had this mindset that I'm doing the love thing all over again like I have to know his birthday, his favorite food, his dreams and all other things. Makes me realise that I did not love him that much. Even though we've been friends before our relationship, he still felt like a stranger.

But after weeks of those random chitchats, we improved (actually, mostly me because he was already invested). But you get the point. I found out that he was really into songwriting like I am, we both love romcom movies, and that kind of stuff. I even noticed he scrunches his nose and forehead when he is focused on playing the piano for me. I started to like him.

We even reached our 1st anniversary. He went to my place and brought pizza for us and my family. Things are well.

Not until 4 months later, the relationship was getting toxic. Some of our values don't align, which leds to a big argument. We always fight and it was tiring. We were always bringing back past arguments when we get into a new one. When we make up, the issue is not being resolved. It was rather.. avoided. Everything was getting foggy between us. At this point, I really love M. But the relationship that we had slowly reminded me of what we and L used to have. That toxic kind. I was so close to ending things with M everytime we had a fight. But I stayed because I love him. Stupid, right?

After a few days of fighting and yelling, we called it off. Not officially off because we wanted to be sure at first. (We're dumb, ik.) But we stayed in contact, just for the sake of friendship. After that, I always felt like there's a piece of me missing. He felt like a twin flame. Eventually, we stopped contacting each other to focus on ourselves.

Our family knew we were together. And were good with each other. So I feel like it's never over. So I felt tortured. I was scared of telling them we were over because they love him. I don't want him to get on their bad side but I know I will eventually have to say it. But I tried to heal first.

I started to love myself again. Hang out with some my girl friends. Spend time with my family. Everything was starting to feel great but I feel like I am not whole without him.

I tried contacting him again after trying to heal. I asked him how he was doing and he said, he focused on his welding course to get his certificate. So he could have a stable job. He told me he worked hard on himself and hoped I did, too. He did not want me crying after having no contact. I told him what I did after having no contact, and asked forgiveness for everything I did that hurt him.

He was trying not to cry. I admit that when we fight, he's always the one who says sorry so we could make up. That was my fault. I was too prideful. He said that that was the words he wanted to hear from me. And that he missed me so much.

He also said sorry about the hurtful words he said. And I told him I forgive him.

After what I think was closure, he asked me if we could try again. And that he promised to communicate better with me. I agreed on giving us another shot, and also promised to communicate and love him more kindly.

He still the best boyfriend and bestfriend I have (and the only one I have, LOL). We openly communicate our needs and problems to each other. I feel so at home in his arms, right now. I hope that everyone that reads this gets to find their home, too. You all deserve kind love.

Thanks for reading this far, I might update in the future. Who knows?

Oh, and we are already 2 years in! I'm graduating from college soon and he's working his ass off because he wants to save up for our future already.

Am I pretending?

I have someone I think I love? I mean he loves me so much. And at the first place, I really don’t have feelings for him. He only has feelings for me. Then I had a boyfriend. Not him. Other guy. Let’s call the other guy, L.

L was kind of emotionally manipulative sad fuck boy (I realized this when we’re already together, like 3 months in.). So I was really emotionally tired with this man, and the guy who has feelings for me, the first guy? Let’s call him M. So M is like a friend to me. He asked me how it was with L, and at first I didn’t really told him the truth. But eventually I was looking for someone to vent out to, and M was there. He was always there. Even when he got a girlfriend. But we didn’t talk that much ‘cause I don’t want to cause him trouble and I don’t want to start a fight with my boyfriend at that time.

Fast forward, me and my boyfriend were on and off. M saw that we were. So he kinda took the chance and tried to court me. I declined. He was still in a relationship at that time, it was fucked up. And I was still in love with L. M still tried to pursue me, and I was really harsh on him. I said he was a cheater. And that he should stay faithful to his girlfriend. But he said, he loves the girl but loves me more. And then I say that he shouldn’t be fucking around like that. If that is what he feels then he should break up with the girl.

He did. He broke up with the girl.

I was still stuck with L. It took me months after I decided that I don’t want to have that toxic on and off relationship anymore.

I was devastated. I really am. I was emotionally tired. Plus I can’t accept the fact that L and I will never get back together.

M heard the news. Said that he can be a rebound.

I was out of my mind that time, to the point that I said yes. He said that it’s okay that I don’t have feelings for him yet. Just so he could be with me by my side.

Yes, I’m dumb. But I was broken at that time. I really needed comfort.

So we we’re together right?

He was doing a lot of effort to hang out with me. And all that cute shit. It felt nice, it felt new to me. And I think I was starting to like him because I was getting the butterflies.

Or did I? Or was it because he was the only one there for me in my vulnerable times?

Now we’re 8 months in. Sometimes I feel nothing. Like I don’t want to talk to him, because it felt like I’m just forcing myself. Sometimes I feel like I like him. Sometimes I really forget about messaging him. That it became a habit.

I talked to him about it. That I think I was starting to lose feelings.. (Or did I really have feelings?)

He begged me to put some more effort not to lose feelings. I did.

But as time pass, I just think that I’m just used to him being there.

I really don’t know if I love him. I think my heart is broken(or my head), because I can’t really distinguish what I’m feeling.

Sometimes I feel like I’m pretending to love him. I’m not sure.

I’m going to talk to him about this again.

Wow, reading all of this makes me think that I’m really broken inside.

[thedreamyreality-blog1]

Am I pretending?

I have someone I think I love? I mean he loves me so much. And at the first place, I really don’t have feelings for him. He only has feelings for me. Then I had a boyfriend. Not him. Other guy. Let’s call the other guy, L.

L was kind of emotionally manipulative sad fuck boy (I realized this when we’re already together, like 3 months in.). So I was really emotionally tired with this man, and the guy who has feelings for me, the first guy? Let’s call him M. So M is like a friend to me. He asked me how it was with L, and at first I didn’t really told him the truth. But eventually I was looking for someone to vent out to, and M was there. He was always there. Even when he got a girlfriend. But we didn’t talk that much ‘cause I don’t want to cause him trouble and I don’t want to start a fight with my boyfriend at that time.

Fast forward, me and my boyfriend were on and off. M saw that we were. So he kinda took the chance and tried to court me. I declined. He was still in a relationship at that time, it was fucked up. And I was still in love with L. M still tried to pursue me, and I was really harsh on him. I said he was a cheater. And that he should stay faithful to his girlfriend. But he said, he loves the girl but loves me more. And then I say that he shouldn’t be fucking around like that. If that is what he feels then he should break up with the girl.

He did. He broke up with the girl.

I was still stuck with L. It took me months after I decided that I don’t want to have that toxic on and off relationship anymore.

I was devastated. I really am. I was emotionally tired. Plus I can’t accept the fact that L and I will never get back together.

M heard the news. Said that he can be a rebound.

I was out of my mind that time, to the point that I said yes. He said that it’s okay that I don’t have feelings for him yet. Just so he could be with me by my side.

Yes, I’m dumb. But I was broken at that time. I really needed comfort.

So we we’re together right?

He was doing a lot of effort to hang out with me. And all that cute shit. It felt nice, it felt new to me. And I think I was starting to like him because I was getting the butterflies.

Or did I? Or was it because he was the only one there for me in my vulnerable times?

Now we’re 8 months in. Sometimes I feel nothing. Like I don’t want to talk to him, because it felt like I’m just forcing myself. Sometimes I feel like I like him. Sometimes I really forget about messaging him. That it became a habit.

I talked to him about it. That I think I was starting to lose feelings.. (Or did I really have feelings?)

He begged me to put some more effort not to lose feelings. I did.

But as time pass, I just think that I’m just used to him being there.

I really don’t know if I love him. I think my heart is broken(or my head), because I can’t really distinguish what I’m feeling.

Sometimes I feel like I’m pretending to love him. I’m not sure.

I’m going to talk to him about this again.

Wow, reading all of this makes me think that I’m really broken inside.