theequietestyapper

[theequietestyapper]

I am in bad shape. Mentally and physically drained, my mind feels like it’s about to buckle from all the bad news, the daily hopelessness. We used the word fascism so much it means nothing now. It’s lost its weight. My alcoholism is horrible. I feel like a whale in all my clothes. I lost my capacity for shock and sadness and horror a long time ago with this administration, this pandemic. I’m so anxious about finances, my job security. I can’t get rid of TikTok. All I do is drink, play video games, sleep and be lonely. I don’t even like eating anymore.

Protests across the country are being censored from social media and excluded from all news stations. Every video I see is full of hopeless, stressed, depressed, furious people like me. In between Amazon ads.

[theequietestyapper]

I’m much uglier than I thought I was. Like in a funny way. like I look in the mirror and see my face and think it’s fine and then I see a picture of myself and the disconnect is crazy. like girllll you’re delusional.

[theequietestyapper]

TikTok has been banned basically permanently for me, because I deleted the app when the “ban” when into place and even though it has a 75 day delay, I can’t redownload it. I am so unbelievably bored and angry try that I rely on cnn for news again. But this time I have more insight into the ridiculous headlines

[theequietestyapper]

broke my 13 day sobriety for 5 cans of twisted tea and I feel dizzy, disappointed, and angry. The only silver lining is that I exercised right after. It’s highly likely that moderation isn’t possible for me, at least not if alcohol is in my fridge. I’ve never been a moderation person, I’ve erred on the side of nothing of all or nothing. But I made excuses into drinking tonight

update also I ate a fuck ton of pasta like way too many servings and I am this close to throwing up

[theequietestyapper]

tiktok made me feel more aware, more hopeless, more connected, more isolated, more addicted to technology, than any other app. i’ve never felt more understood and terribly alone and terrified and furious online before. when the app goes away I will sit in stunned horror at this destination we have arrived at and the increased visibility we were temporarily gifted to see with. i will delete all social media, turn off the phone, ask my parents how to live analog and my brain will turn into something I’ve never experienced

[theequietestyapper]

the new year is here. I’m doing dry janny. For the past week or so i’ve felt a little calmer and I don’t know why. It could be a calm before the storm, or just calm. This year I have goals but im not spiraling over them just yet. I feel like doing little dances around the house more. my sleep schedule is ruined though, like actually really bad. And I return to work in a few days. But that’s a problem for a few days from now.

[theequietestyapper]

more rapid fire updates:

- i’m a little scared of bird flu. I keep my cats indoors, don’t feed them raw food, I don’t have a dog that spends a lot of time around birds or bird poop. Their only real risk is me tracking bird poop on my shoes but I keep them out of reach

- mildly amused but terrified about extreme right wing infighting before the new administration is even coming in. Like almost four weeks before the new term. as terrified as i am about the new admin, this is a lil bit scarier

- i wanna plan a solo trip to the uk, but im scared of the funds, the upcoming political landscape, the solo-ness. all of it.

- restarting loc journey in about a month. sometimes i wonder if i picked the right starter method. I like the look of starter coils but i know interlocking will be easier on my scalp. also i feel like interlocking will be less noticeable on a movable scalp if my middle part turns out effed

- I’m watching heroes for the first time and I clocked immediately that Milo and Hayden dated irl and I’m so disappointed and skeeved out. this show is in the era of 24 episode seasons and I am struggling. I can see where modern shows would have ended each season and it’s wild.

- im also watching Dexter and that man’s fake tan is so unappealing. and I clocked that he and his adoptive sister are attracted to each other and its gross and distracting. I feel like this show also has 24 episode seasons. also Tina from the bear’s husband is in this? I can tell this show didn’t have an intimacy coordinator.

- I got a letterboxd and I’m making it a problem.

- my new old navy sweatpants are glorious

[theequietestyapper]

rapid fire updates:

- loc journey starting off mid, hoping to get a redo by someone that knows what they’re doing

- feeling the depression energy drain v much

- im not excited at all for these holidays, not even in an “end of the world let’s have fun” type of way

- alcoholism still going a wee bit strong

- got a new gaming laptop, see y’all in two years when I have no choice but to buy a pc setup that’s been jacked up by 50%

[theequietestyapper]

my poppop zoning out hard at every conversation because he cannot be bothered is absolutely beautiful to witness

[theequietestyapper]

arcane ended for me today and i can’t stop thinking about it. Is it better to be crushed and sad with fond memories or should i have never watched it. It didn’t take such a big chunk out of me as other shows have, like I can and will definitely rewatch arcane in its entirety but goddamn what a beautiful show. Beautiful in look, sound, style. I’m not intelligent enough to understand themes or arcs. But I can say for sure I had a hell of a time. As a viewer I won and lost all at the same time

[theequietestyapper]

my gaming laptop is getting repaired, i’m trying to stop drinking and i have no sweets in my house. the dopamine does not exist

THERE IS NO DOPAMINE IN MY VEINS

update: I had Nutella in the house, temp save

[theequietestyapper]

oh i am actually paralyzed with fear about the state of the country

[theequietestyapper]

wow who would have thought that two drinks in I am feeling lazy fat stupid and hopeless

[theequietestyapper]

once my new gaming laptop battery comes in it is over for you 304s

update: I changed the battery, nothing happened. tech support said my laptop is so old changing the battery most likely didn’t help and I probably need a new motherboard 🫠

[theequietestyapper]

im having a slightly twitchy “no entertainment is sufficiently distracting me right now” feeling

[theequietestyapper]

i straightened my hair today for the first time in years and the flat iron crispy smell, worry about humidity, etc, is not fun. completely unrelated, i feel very fat right now

[theequietestyapper]

update: I am on day 1 again, but I’m like 90% sure my day 8 was before the 3l3€+!•n