thefinalcaw

[thefinalcaw]

Better to not have any interaction than to distrust every single one going forward

[thefinalcaw]

I just want to shut down. I also want to shout that i am a liar. And if I'm not lying, I am misremembering. And if I'm not misremembering, I am just not experiencing reality as it is. I just want to shut it all down

[thefinalcaw]

Me deleting 11 set alarms as if I won't do it again, but worse (I've done worse; 11 is me being good).

[thefinalcaw]

The 7th horseman of the apocalypse: frozen cream cheese on a grilled bagel.

[thefinalcaw]

Hm idk. I should remind myself that the things I want to start are not hard - walk dog in mornings, stretch, exercise, disconnect from social media, keep up w healthy eating/sleep/hygiene - it's just that they don't come easy to me yet.

Focusing on my "foundation" is above all else, yes, but I still need to attempt the above, no matter how clumsily or inconsistent i am with the approach; when I fail to uphold my "ideal" habits , I shouldn't look to upend my foundation out of frustration.

Aka just because I suck at all of the above and more is no excuse to hate myself and go back to drinking.

Time is passing you by and you don't want that, really. You know you don't want that deep down. Keep reminding yourself and saying it out loud.

[thefinalcaw]

Right now, the focus is on stabilization. I shouldn't get caught up about how messy and how nonlinear this looks and feels.

Sober first, something else second, third, fourth, fifth.... I'm not sure where "adjust" and "perfect" fall into it all, but I know I need to push the idea of it p far away (for now.) My ideas of how things should "look" and "feel" are fantasy - and it's exactly why I haven't been successful thus far. I'm simply not capable of doing a 180 (720?) to change into my ideal self , especially when my emotional immaturity and habitual inclination to lean into instant gratification is largely at play.

Just get through the days. You'll end up somewhere out of all of this - and then you can look critically into what needs attention and fine tuning.

Setting up a bunch of little self-projects with rules overwhelms you every single time, so just get some groundwork done on maintaining sobriety. That's most important right now. That's the start of the foundation. Focus.

(Today is hard and it's only day 5ish.)

--

(( I can do it though. I already have 70+ days of cigarettes behind me -- and that was a mountain in and of itself.))

((( ^^^ you've attempted to quit cigarettes 9 times over the course of 104 days, saving $1303.)))

The numbers aren't pretty (w cigarettes, and they're even uglier with The Larger Addiction), but that's not the point of this. The point is to get better so that I can start to get better.

Final cigarette: 32.32 days ago

Final drink: 5.37 days ago

[thefinalcaw]

I seem to do markedly better when I do not see/hear from those who have harmed through their actions.

It seems, ultimately, I am still yet to be capable of "forgive and forget."

[thefinalcaw]

Had a nightmare that felt like healing in the end.

Faced with him accusing me of lying / not experiencing reality, and behind me appears friends, family, and loved ones who push back and tell him, "No, she's not lying. That did happen. You did do that, and your attempts at manipulation have failed."

I woke up feeling validated and protected.

[thefinalcaw]

"We don't matter, except to each other."

[thefinalcaw]

>ask for 3 day weekend (feeling severe effects of burnout)

> day of, co-worker calls out for the week

> tfw I'm told I'll be working 8 days straight to cover

> in same text, owner says I'll need to train new employees for the holidays as she is getting "deja vu" on last-minute callouts.

> tfw burnout

Should I quit before the holidays, y/y?

[thefinalcaw]

flip flop, I'm trying again.

[thefinalcaw]

Have patience, but understand that this will hurt.

[thefinalcaw]

https://youtu.be/74uuV-bMcEY?si=S4K5drMP4sUu_FIr

I figure you're my sufjan

[thefinalcaw]

blessed be the day when purple man stops smoking weed in my bedroom

[thefinalcaw]

smoke this blue dream,

burn down the last teacup candle between us,

burn down the mistaken ideas I had about us;

accept that I have been wrong.

Felt wrong, believed wrong, chosen wrong

My wrong doesn't make yours right, tho.

Even if you won't admit it.

I'm a hopeful and I'm a creative. Even if I haven't figured out how that translates; I know it is there. It is in how I love.

[thefinalcaw]

Hurting all the time, yet adverse to letting it hurt.

The only way out is through.

You can't reason your way out of reason itself.

You have to feel it - not wallow in it , or recreate it through vices under the guise of control. You have to feel it. You haven't been feeling it. This pain is fear and hurt, yes, but it is so much more. You haven't been feeling it. You've been recreating it, reliving it, and then running every time.

[thefinalcaw]

“If you are not very careful you will always be that person, trapped in a haze of self-congratulation.”

— George Lucas via Scott Berkun, stay hungry