thejointconference-blog

[thejointconference-blog]

The Time I Lied About Loosing My Virginity

  Life sucks dick. Fuck. It feels better to say it out loud, and maybe I’ll be wrong in the future, but in this moment it is undeniably true. As of writing I’m really drunk, so grammarly take THE FUCKING WHEEL! I’d ask God too, but he isn’t fucking real. Sorry if that’s a low blow, it’s just a sad fact of life that eventually one day you will die and fade away into nothing. Really, I’m sorry about that. It hurts to know one day we will fade away into nothing. Like really, I know we say that a lot, but how often do we really grasp the concept of never. One day you will like down, close your eyes, and never experience anything ever again becuase your fucking dead. Isn’t that horrible. Like, Jesus Christ (fake), how am I supposed to deal with that shit. I feel like that bother me more at a younger age because my mom had breast cancer when I was little. She survived, and I’m so thankful for that, but so many people around me die. I’m a funeral hopper, and honestly I’m so afraid to die I think I want to kill myself. I say that as a joke a lot, but right now I really mean it. Sorry about the stream of conciousness style of writing. I thought about cutting myself (never tried it), but this feels like a more healthy output.

ANYWAYSSSSSS, the time I pretended to loose my virginity. It was a cold day. High school. Senior year. All my friends have lost my virginty, and bullshit socila consturcts had been weighing me down. (SIDENOTE: I’m a piece of shit. I really don’t want to be, and I take no pride in saying it, but let it be know that I am a HORRIBLE PERSON. I know some of you may symphazise with that, but truly. If I were to be shot in the head, the world would be a better place.) One of my friendss who happened to be a girl graduated the year before me was going to an undisclosed university (it rhymes with Pippensburg), and I began an online romantic relationship with one of her roomates. Sounds pretty good right. The conflict: Shippensburg was three hours away (oops). 

 Up until this point in my life, I had never really rebelled that much. I was always then friend that was afraid to go deeper into the woods because I was scared my parents would get mad at me. Trouble was TERRIFYING TO ME! Now that I have crippling death anxiety, it really doesn’t feel that bad anymore, but back in the day, oh shit. My senior year was teh year I went fucking balistic, at least in regards to my own personal standards. This girl seemed to really like me over the phone, and life sucked back then too, so it was time for me to be a fucking rebel, and go on an afventure. CUE THE INDIANA JONSE MUSIC AND MAP GRAPHIC! I swar I’m a good writer, i’m just fucked up and out of fucks to give. Actually, I don’t get laid that often, so I consider a fuck to be QUITE valuable. ANYWAY, I tolf myparents I was spending the night at a friends house, skipped school, AND WENT TO SHIPPENSBURG (oops). 

   The only caviat, I had to pick up my friends piece of shit boy friend (it’s okay, she agrees with me now). SOOOO, I drive three and a half hours to SHIPPENSBURG(oops), balls sticking to my thighs like a chewed up piece of gum, and I think “this is it, I’m gonna loose my virginity”. Allow me to clarify, this girl owed me nothing. It’s not like just because a girl maybe likes you she is obligated to have sex with you. I didn’t think that then, and I don’t think that now. I just thought this was going to be the time. Conversation was pointing that way, so me, being a dumbass piece of shit, told all my friends I was going to get laid. If that makes you hate me, I’m not going to argue with you. I already know I suck. still not an excuse.

So, I get their, and the second this girl see’s me in person, she realizes she doesn’t like me, which is fine I guess. Again, she probably had the right idea, I just wish we had figured this out before I came.   

I don’t know where I was going with this. I just needed a forum to say things. I lied and told my friends I lost my virginity, and I didn’t, end of story. Im just tired of being so god damn lonely. We think someone else can save us, but truth be told I probably would feel awdul regardless. I have all these expectations, like destiny owes me something, but destiny doesn’t exist, and I deserve nothing. Art is just a fucked up lie we indulge to cover up our own self resentment. I just wish I was wrong. I wish I was rong so bad. Please god, if your real, which I know your not, fix me. I don’t want to suck anymore. I dont want to be the monster of my own story.