themiasmaofthevoid

[themiasmaofthevoid]

I remember him saying at one point that thinking of the trip when we met up made him sick to his stomach. It was one of the very first signs thats something was wrong but I wouldn't learn what until later. I would bring up the trip a lot because it was the most magical and beautiful and amazing thing that had ever happened but it was also hard to think about because I missed being near him so much and I figured he felt the same so though it rubbed me wrong I didn't care.

Thinking about the trip now is upsetting. Before the trip I couldn't fathom someone being physically affectionate with me in any way, not even simple kissing or laying in bed together. During and after that was erased from my mind. I knew it was possible. But since the breakup it's hard not to lean into that thinking again. It's not as bad but its just hard. I know I'm not ugly really but nobody ever stick around, strangers never seem to look at me, whaaatever. I think of when I sat in his lap and kissed him and just get so embarrassed, did he start falling out of love during the trip? I don't know. He's with another fat guy now so I know my weight wasn't really an issue but still. Just embarrassed about everything. Oh well!

[themiasmaofthevoid]

its okay i had chocolate chip pancakes n im feeling better. still gonna complain though 😁

[themiasmaofthevoid]

woke up feeling sleeppy but fine. get in the shower. START THINKING OF MY STUPID FUCKING EX UUGGSGSGSHSJOSSJWVWJ

[themiasmaofthevoid]

all my coworkers need to understand when im doing dishes im jn autism zone im listening to music im probably thinking ant fictional boyfriends i need you TO LEAVE ME ALONE GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP YOU AND IF YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO ME SPECIFICALLY SPEAK UPP!!!!!!! AND DONT TOYCH MY SINK!!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK

[themiasmaofthevoid]

was so anxious at work like crazy and came home and immediately cried like a baby and passed out and now im okay.... i think. i hate this time of year sniffles. but it will be oookay. its just so hard feeling so alone all the time

[themiasmaofthevoid]

now I have to bring a big ass tv inside all by myself im going to KILL SOMEBODY!!!!!!

[themiasmaofthevoid]

one day i will never live with awful terribly behaved not at all trained barking dogs again 🙏

[themiasmaofthevoid]

with it being almost a year since i got broken up with and essentially had the rug pulled out from under me. and i'm on my period....... this month is going to be hard for me. it is currently hard for me. it's not that bad but my fear is that it will get worse, there's like a cloud around me. The Point is i am alive! i have spent the past year being more suicidal than i've ever been but i've gotten a new start and i met you all and it's been really nice. even if i don't know all of you forever i will always appreciate this time. thank you

[themiasmaofthevoid]

i might be a miserable loser next week because the 11th would've been our 9 year anniversary, the 20th behind when he left me. and my period is projected to start on the 8th. buries myself in the dirt

[themiasmaofthevoid]

told my dear coworker all week hey im getting sick and i feel like ass and yesterday that i might call out today and when I text her hey I feel like shit theyre like oh do you really cause blah blah blah. YES. and theyre like okay well im gonna write you up bcs this is 20 minutes after the grace period. WHATEVERRRR. I have to call out two hours before, i go in at 10 n texted them at 8:18 bcs its never super mattered before for context theyre obviously just pissed at me maybe idk. whaaatever

i dont think theyre trying to taunt me into coming in vcs this is baby's first write up and frankly i dont care but its just so annoying working with people who call out constantly and make it my problem qhen its my turn. and the other girl is just being sent home early bvs she has a piercing my boss who is visiting doesn't like. can't she just take that shit out....? i hate you all. going back to bed zzzzzz

[themiasmaofthevoid]

im hooommee and showered so i feel a bit better. still heavily leaning towards staying home tomorrow bcs today was far too emotional n i still feel nauseous so. sigh. i'm gonna work on that post on main then nap then i dunno....... scratches my head

[themiasmaofthevoid]

might just call out of work tomorrow even if i dont feel thay sick when i wake up. i probably will bcs i feel like asssss right now its so hot i had to clean floor drains i feel so nauseous. i just wanna go home. im so tired.

[themiasmaofthevoid]

upset tummy.... my dumbass life

[themiasmaofthevoid]

i can always tell my period is coming soon by the feeling of doom or being more emotional than i normally am. so pms i guess. hai

but almost hommeeee!!!

[themiasmaofthevoid]

good morning i am once again completely hung up on the fact that he took my virginity. it was consensual and everything so i should probably relax but just. him taking it then leaving me. it makes me soooo upset. it felt so special to have waited 8 years to be around each other, having not kissed anyone or anything. he was every single first. so so special because it would only be him for the rest of my life. not that there's anything wrong with having different people for different firsts i think any scenario is special. for the most part. but now it just feels stolen. i gave it to you alongside the promise for forever and now it feels like you put it all in a box and kicked it under your bed. 8 years with nothing to show for it. yea im okay whatever. WHATEEVERRRRFRR

[themiasmaofthevoid]

hitting myself in the head every day Don't open the post marked for alcohol or drunk or beer or any of that shit you blocked it for a reason ENOUHGHH

and stop looking at the accounts people who've made you upset you gain nothing!!!!! who cares if you get dirt meant for complaining it just HURTS YOUUU

[themiasmaofthevoid]

vent blog. please don't follow if i did not give this to you. if i didn't give it to you its simply because the more people looking at me the less ill say and this blog becomes pointless. sorry i used a character url this aint a vi blog sorray.