theotumbls-blog

[theotumbls-blog]

I accidentally lit 2 mosquito killing scenty discs in my room and gassed myself out. I now have a headache and a new appreciation for the Jewish in Nazi Germany.

[theotumbls-blog]

If Ellen was actually a really mean, nasty person, her name would be Ellen DeGenerate.

[theotumbls-blog]

Today I had a daydream that I survived a car crash, but as a joke I got the doctor to hook the little IV beepy thing up to something with no pulse so that he could tell my family that I died tragically. Then when everyone was crying and shit, I sprung up and announced I actually didn't die and it was only a prank.

[theotumbls-blog]

when i find myself in times of trouble

ellen degeneres comes to me

[theotumbls-blog]

A thing

You will find that often times I will explain my jokes.

This is because a lot of times, people don’t get my “complex” puns. Unless like they actually are fuckin complicated, like if its a stretch or just a lot of thought it put into them.

Like my cover photo. That’s funny because it’s Google Chrome.

But like Google in Chrome.

So most of my puns are like that, really bad.

For example, there’s this girl I know named Elizabeth Lopez and I said, “If you were a stoner, you’d be Elizabeth Highpez.”

*insert crummy laugh track*

So yes.

If you don’t understand a joke I might explain it. Maybe. Possibly.

Okay, bye.

[theotumbls-blog]

The world isn’t ready for this

[theotumbls-blog]

michael cera: *blows on a dandelion* dandelion: hey…………………………. :( michael cera: *starts crying*

[theotumbls-blog]

Truly inspiring.

[theotumbls-blog]

[theotumbls-blog]

when i find myself in times of trouble

ellen degeneres comes to me

[theotumbls-blog]

Rape has become endemic in South Africa, so a medical technician named Sonette Ehlers developed a product that immediately gathered national attention there. Ehlers had never forgotten a rape victim telling her forlornly, “If only I had teeth down there.”

Some time afterward, a man came into the hospital where Ehlers works in excruciating pain because his penis was stuck in his pants zipper.

Ehlers merged those images and came up with a product she called Rapex. It resembles a tube, with barbs inside. The woman inserts it like a tampon, with an applicator, and any man who tries to rape the woman impales himself on the barbs and must go to an emergency room to have the Rapex removed.

When critics complained that it was a medieval punishment, Ehlers replied tersely, “A medieval device for a medieval deed.” 

- Half the Sky, Nicholas Kristof

[theotumbls-blog]

😂 omfg

[theotumbls-blog]

[theotumbls-blog]

[theotumbls-blog]

Voldemort?

[theotumbls-blog]

[theotumbls-blog]

ur signs message to the haters

Aries -fuck with me Taurus - ho why is u here? Gemini - u aint shit Cancer -plz stop Leo - who are you again? Virgo - *corrects messed up grammar* Libra -r u rlly hating on me? or r u hating on urself? Scorpio -bye Sagittarius - go do something with ur life Capricorn -i dont have time for this Aquarius - chill Pisces - ughughughhgu