theplaceformusings

[theplaceformusings]

current thoughts about dating and relationships.

welcome.

first post. it's been a while since i have given myself an outlet to write from a personal and reflective lens. while i am deeply passionate about my job, my clinical and nerdy insights have become dominant, making it hard for me to write and reflect from the heart. 

my current circumstances are unlike any place i have been before. 

i am a 28-year-old psychologist, which i never thought i would say. i knew this was where i belonged, but i never believed i would get here. but now that i am here, i can genuinely say that this is what i was meant to do, and i know i can make an impact. 

i am single as fuck. and loving it. i've always craved connection and love and put so much emphasis on finding my person. i love love. i love giving love. i love being loved. 

but the reality of dating has been shocking. and the more i learn about men, the worse i feel about the future of relationships. as i write this, i am acutely aware that i sound "anti-men," and i promise this is not the case. but the reality of things is that the patriarchal structures we live in have resulted in a mass amount of challenges when it comes to dating. 

women have evolved (feminism and shit) to be powerful, successful, and aware of what they want/need in a partner. many of us are seeking partners to show up for us in connected and intimate ways. seems reasonable. but the sad reality of things is that we have raised the vast majority of men to internalize ideals about vulnerability, emotion, and connection that create so many obstacles to forming these kinds of relationships. simply put, i don't think that they often want and crave the same kinds of connection. and even if they do, there is often underlying aversion, discomfort, or shame associated with their own vulnerability, the concept of dependency and intimacy. the truth is that women are the more emotionally evolved gender (fully aware that gender is a complicated topic, but i am speaking strictly based on systemic influences, culture, socialization etc.) 

another realization i have had that has been quite uncomfortable is that i don't think the majority of men like women. like genuinely appreciating the nuances that we often carry. this emotional development that women are (generally speaking) more equipped with is something that men often look down on and think of in a negative light. i often hear (work and personally) men talking about women in reference to what they do for them and how easy it is for them to manage their relationship with these women. 

when a woman challenges a man to expand and grow in this emotional lens that they are often lacking, they can't hold space for it - because they don't value it the same way. 

and i don't want to sound like i am projecting a bunch of shit. i genuinely have read so much research and am coming from a place of logic, not emotion, i swear to god. and i feel like i have to defend this every time i bring it up because it gets associated with me hating on men and dating. but i genuinely love men and care about them so much. i want them to be able to expand and heal the parts of themselves that have been repressed because of the messages they receive about being a man. i think that if they can let down some of these defences and connect with themselves and other men in this way - the world would be a better place. statistically, how we socialize men hurts them and their mental health, leads to violence and crime, issues within relationships, and parenting difficulties, perpetuates generational trauma, influences political and justice systems, and stops overall collective healing and improvement. so i promise, i don't hate men and don't want this to feel like a criticism. to me, it just feels like looking at the reality of things and recognizing how where we are as a society and culture impacts the capacity for meaningful, loving relationships. it's just the way it is, and i really wish that sometimes i couldn't perceive things this deeply. 

the way i like to describe masculinity is that it is like a cage. men have been taught to devalue things that are outside of the scope of masculinity, like certain forms of intimacy and vulnerability. psychologically when they devalue it for themselves, it becomes something that they devalue in others. this is what i mean when i say that many men do not like women. because they have been socialized to consciously or unconsciously view certain things as weak or bad - it can be tough for these people to truly value these traits in their partner. and even if they struggle with it themselves or don't want to work towards something different - it would be nice if they could still find love and appreciation for those traits in others. instead of women being labelled as clingy, needy, emotional, sensitive, dramatic, bitchy etc. 

so i guess getting back to where i am at. 

i have had so many relationships with wonderful men and, generally, men that are more connected with their slowness and softness. as in not the most typical masculine macho men. yet every single relationship has failed because i couldn't get my emotional needs met. fully aware that maybe i am "expecting too much," but no matter how old i am or how much time passes - this continues to be a significant need for me. so i guess what i am struggling with is coming to the acceptance that i am not asking for too much. i am asking for what i genuinely need/value in a relationship. but, simultaneously, i may be asking for something that is far beyond the capacity of the majority. 

so this is where i have gotten into the mentality that it's out there somewhere but might take a fuckin long time to find. which is cool, and i am at peace with it. but i am exhausted and drained of dating and falling in love just to have the same issue pop up time and time again. i am tired of trying to find my needle in a haystack, if you will. 

knowing this, it's evident that part of my journey is reflecting on and being more intentional about the people i select. 

but i can't shake the frustration that i am sitting here, reflecting on my needs, growing to be a better partner, trying to be aware of how to find the right person, and building accountability and awareness

while the vast majority of men and just fucking vibing and not giving a fuck. 

it is exhausting to conceptualize the amount of emotional and mental labour/energy that i (and many other women) are spending trying to lay the groundwork to find, build, or maintain these deep and meaningful relationships. while men are just deeply uninvolved and disinterested in this process. consider how many women say they should just date other women (seriously and not). i think it speaks volumes to the problem that i am trying to describe. we just all want this thing that men are often so distant from being able to provide or work towards. 

so, here i am. happily single because, at this point, this solitude and inner peace are so much more appealing than trying to engage in this process that feels like a bit of a shit show.

anyways. later bitches.