thesassysegments

[thesassysegments]

Is it just me or does my mom treat me like i cant do anything for myself.

like theres been a couple times where ive just thought the way she treated me was like im stupid. im not stupid. like i understand in the past ive struggled with academics but im also 18 im allowed to make my own decisions. its the subtlety when the comments or actions are done. not 5 minutes ago i struggled a bit to open the package to my snack, yeah ik that if i try to open it like a chip bag it might not work but i didnt wanna use my teeth unless i had to before i got the chance to try again she just took it and cut it open with scissors. idk if im just taking it too hard but it gets to a point. i cant talk to her about it cause last time i did try to talk to her about how she treats me she blamed it on not knowing better but doesnt correct herself unless victoria talks to her its so dumb. im just the dumb one that wont amount to anything and it just sucks.

[thesassysegments]

ooo bitch list incoming lol

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ive been inspired to have my own ooo bitch note from shenanigans

(writing it in the middle of 8th is a little nuts but i cant think of anything else)

[thesassysegments]

Things i should admit but i dont have the balls to

the only time i fully let my guard down is with her

im genuinely very angry a lot of the time and i suppress it way more than i should

im very insecure about my body but with her im not (as much)

i dont feel like ive ever passed to most people and it hurts

i hate knowing im on dnd it makes me uncomfortable

i spend most of my time catatonic when no one is around

i feel a disconnect with my family i dont get it

ive been growing out my hair because ive been trying to become more comfortable with my femininity again but its been making stuff worse

im scared that maybe the last couple years have been a lie and im not sebby but old me

i think im joining the army not only for money and discipline but also because its masculine and it might help me be a better me

i dont like my glasses i feel like they distort my face when i look in a mirror but she likes me in glasses so ive learned to like them a bit

i dont feel like myself alot of the time but like how do i feel like me if i dont really know what that is

im scared that when i go on hormones ill look like my dad, i dont know what id do if i have to see him when i look in the mirror

i dont know how to communicate i always feel like a burden im okay with being the back burner but sometimes when i dont want to be i cant let myself ask for help if there bigger concerns

i dont even like theater that much ive grown a love for it tho but only because i thought i wouldnt fit in anywhere else

working with the equipment is interesting but i feel like im not smart enough to do it well

i always feel like theres more to say but i never know what to say

this is genuinely the happiest, safest and most comfortable ive ever been and im so scared im going to mess everything up because of my past and how it affects me. i cant afford to mess this up

i always take pictures because it reminds me of good thoughts so i dont focus on the bad

i always stare at my reflection because i feel like im not attractive and try and look at my features to learn to like them but its hard

no one ever really compliments me so the adjustment to being told im pretty all the time has been so weird

i need to get back to like ftc length hair

a lot of the time i feel like im not real wdym she loves me as much as i do

im sorry for when you read this love idk whats going on and we can talk about it later but for now im sorry

[thesassysegments]

BOOOOOOO

so basically today sucks

today 6 years ago i made one of the worst mistakes of my life, it has genuinely hurt me in ways i always forget about till its too late.

idk the last couple years ive gotten used to the fact that everyone elses feelings matter more than mine but i dont matter. im the background, in more ways than one. ive accepted that and ive gotten used to is. id rather care for others and keep it quiet, no one ever wants to hear what i have to say but why bother. im only listened to when i have something interesting to say. tbh ive given up.

im not used to having someone who genuinely cares about me. i dont want to be a burden or distraction so i stay quiet and i know its not good but i cant help it. like yes id love to yap about how my ex hurt me in so many ways and then the other one didnt help and now i cant communicate correctly.

theres alot tho that always comes back at the end of april. the 27th the day i messed up 2 years of my life, the 28th her birthday, the 29th our anniversary. booooooooooo.

like i remember the summer where i was ignored and sick to my stomach because i was so worried, the times where her ed got projected on to me for a year, the art room. so many things i try to forget but they come back. even things i dont even realize but they mess me up for days. i try to keep it together but sometimes i cant. i give up.

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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I miss her

Teleport please

[thesassysegments]

Hi tumblr welcome to a segment id like to call "Thoughts thunk outside"

basically i have always struggled with being able to communicate because of a fear of judgement. holding all of that in always gets to a boiling point of anger and its not very fun. Ive learned how to control it to an extent, for a while it was music, then weed, then seclusion and now im just chill with the occasional losing my shit but im definitely not as pent up as i was before. being able to communicate with someone who sees me being upset and looks past my anger or mistakes and genuinely tries to help its amazing. im so lucky to have her. maybe one day she realizes that i try my best to reciprocate that to the best of my ability. Theres still so much i need to learn about everything.

like one thing is ive started learning the physical signs to being manic, its easier to peep the boohoo than the woohoo one but im learning. its in the eyes, i always like looking at her eyes and sometimes when i peep somethings a bit eh i dont wanna overstep in case shes just being super lit or just having a bad day. i need to learn how to find good times to bring it up when i notice so im not too late and have in confirmed so i know how i could potentially help. Like apparently this time was since around monday night ish and i find out thursday afternoon. im not saying i HAVE TO know but a heads up would be nice once theres an idea so i can help better.

i understand the frustration of feeling like shes always negative and complaining with me but i dont mind hearing it, i want to know how international went, and how people in french suck at doing work, and how that teacher sucks and this friends drama, i want to hear everything. the good, the bad, the weird, im nosey and i love story telling im genuinely interested always and there will be no changing that. the only time i ever feel a bit off during the manic rants or rants in general is that it makes me upset to see her upset so i try my best to make up for it. i will always be her number one supporter and i cant magically fix everything or fix her mood with the drop of a hat. i dont do words well, my family is not one to communicate well so i help in other ways, treats, drawings, distractions.

Never did i think id ever find someone who enjoys my distractions and doesnt find me off putting for them. Im always told my interests are a bit off and others dont enjoy them. She does. She is amazing.

Still idk, everything is still relatively new so i dont expect to know everything automatically but what i do know now it a good starting point and its better to fix bad habits early.

Another thing is while manic one time i was told (i dont remember it exactly correct me if im wrong) something along the lines of "the state of being manic is somewhat caused by a reflection in your environment but me being around and being nothing but kind and helpful improved the situation" idk im just glad i can help at all. sometimes i get into these states where nothing helps and im just stuck, im not saying i know the feeling but i learn by comparison it helps me understand. Me being around doesnt only help when shes manic its also just coexisting its fun. FTC she didnt feel the best and physical contact and someone being there helped alot of the time which could have made a bad ish situation worse, im glad i could help. im glad being around helps her feel better i want nothing but the best for her.

(side note i love how comfortable with physical contact shes gotten over the months like in december she was stiff as hell and now were coexisting and comfortable with each other i love seeing that progress so much.)

[thesassysegments]

ooo bitch I love her

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Pieces I want to create

Her eyes in the sun

A self portrait past and present but not how I normally would, less detail maybe grey scale

Her as a Chorus in that pic i took yesterday

Neo ass piece

Maybe a new play? Branch out in a way I haven’t?

idk i feel weird i genuinely want to create after the week ive had but i dont know where to start i just feel wrong tbh idk how i can fix it im just going to be creative till it fixes itself

Song of the vibe - back to friends by Sombr

[thesassysegments]

I feel like an insecure jackass

First off I over reacted about an ooo bitch and now I feel like a creep and now I’m sitting here thinking about all the times I’ve annoyed something out of her because I just HAD to know

From people I care about deeply no one really says nice things unless they don’t know me and how I can get so now that there’s someone who actually cares about me enough to remind me constantly of their love and constantly thinking about everything thought they’ve ever had and it’s like I have to be reminded every two seconds that they love me or I’ll start overthinking and I’m just so overdramatic I’m acting like a weirdo

Idk I feel like I do too much like boo someone who’s clearly mentally ill didn’t remind me enough that they cared and the other one just messed me up in general and now i constantly re read texts to double check im not nuts

I’m sorry I love you

[thesassysegments]

I love side quests

i have been having a blast going on side quests with her it has been so silly. we go somewhere with the intention of being productive and instead we have a grand old time being dumb.

first of the closest library, we went after school to be productive and i just ended up watching a cartoon in the end. we also had chocolate croissants while outside because why tf not.

then we went to main branch of our district libraries which was super silly and we got to explore a bit of the building. she was kinda tweaking cause of allergies so ill take her when its not spring. and we also just went out on the town looking at the architecture of the area to end up on the water of the preforming arts center which was super lit. tbh it has sentimental value now because of the show we preformed there. i love the lamonica twin we saw.

most recent library trip was one closer to school. i spent all day at the little elementary school because why go when its super testing and they were all super lit. afterschool we grabbed her and went to the library for a couple hours and it was so fun, it got a bit deep but i still enjoyed my time. i especially enjoyed afterwards. we went to the gas station across the street to get redbulls and that man thinks i have a problem because i purchased 4 at once but in my defense i got 2 to try with our friend in class because it was the new flavors. after that laugh with vlad and awkwardly standing way too long at a cross walk we went to the top of the parking garage and watched the sunset. it was so silly i love her so much. like yes i want to kiss you after hitting you like 12 times its because i love you.

todays side quest was a bit different we went to another school because were going to be borrowing their space before comp and our teacher let her come with and i had a blast. i made it a personal mission to kiss her every chance everytime our teacher wasnt looking because "students in relationships shouldnt be sharing rooms"

anywho i love side quests with her and im excited for so many more

song of the vibe - TTYL by Loossemble

[thesassysegments]

Wish a bitch would

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im so lucky to have her in my life

im not sure if shes noticed all of the time, def sometimes, but since i overthink alot i always ask her questions in regards to me just to know what shes thinking. "what are you teeheeing about?" "why are you looking at my like that?" "why o you think im pretty" "what are your thoughts on this interaction weve had"

i ask to know what i did right and what i can do better. i will take any note to make her happy and comfortable with me. i just want to be the best i can for her.

im so grateful that shes open enough to tell me everything i want to know. like yes i do wanna hear about your thoughts on ftc for the 12th time because i like knowing that even when we were in that phase you still cared about me and noticed things about me no one has ever cared to.

i love her so much

song of the vibe - dont dream its over by crowded house

[thesassysegments]

ooo bitch i love physical contact (shes so pretty i need her to be around me always)

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i hate going through the months long phases of losing motivation for taking care of myself its so annoying. like my room looks like shit, i dont do my work and i only care about my appearance to look better for her. i want to be a better me but its SO hard to do it.

yes i do admit part of the reason i want to go into the army to "fix myself" and to gain a form of discipline. i lack one because they kinda gave up with me cause they were too busy to parent me correctly and make me form into a fully functioning person.

one thing i know i can do it work for money.

another motivation is extra funds for my future. our future. the way this country is going sucks ass i need as much money i can get access to.

i may not understand how i work most of the time but i do know this: i will do what i can to secure a future where ill be able to be me and live a good life. the life i want is me, looking like how i feel on the inside on the outside, with my lovely girlfriend and our cat george michael and our little duchess type dog.

i can work towards my future i just need the people who say theyre in my corner to care a bit more and not push me down.

in conclusion i love my girlfriend and i hope i can stop feeling like how i do

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I’m being over dramatic I’m literally fine I’m just lonely I need her to come here I miss her so much I hope she wakes up and contacts me soon

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no matter how many times she tells me im pretty and that she loves me can i truly believe her just because ive been hurt.

like dont get me wrong, i can acknowledge it trust me but i just dont get it. im a 7 on a good day in my own opinion. ive always had this belief that alot of my features that make me uncomfortable with myself will make me unloveable but she loves me how i am.

i know this is just me getting into my own head about myself and im free to be insecure and have my own thoughts but it sucks so much

i dont get it. like genuinely. she tells me all these things, the i love yous and every compliment i can accept it i just dont get it. this girl that i love, loves me just as much if not more than i love her.

i always argue when i get complimented and play it off as a joke, its just so weird to hear. me, in a positive light? someone cares about me and has nothing bad to say about me and loves me. me? are you sure?

i always ask her about teehees and read past texts and remember conversations weve had and i just dont believe it most of the time. i try to get proof of every written word to try and get myself to believe but its so difficult.

i hate that i have this way of thinking i hate being like this, i mean who would, but still i cant just turn it off. i dont want to burden her with my twisted way of thinking about myself thats not fair to her.

the words "i hope one day you will understand" have been ingrained in my head for the last 2 months.

shes so kind to me i hope i dont ruin this. shes the only one to truly try to understand me and i hope i dont mess anything up with her ill never forgive myself.