thesmallestwonders-blog

[thesmallestwonders-blog]

Tough.

My whole life perspective has switched. 

I guess when you are faced with the body of the one you love shutting down, the questions about life and death hits you.

I said this before, my dad had cancer and when I saw him in the hospital, I saw him in his last few days, but I never knew it then. I never knew that when a person is given morphine, they will probably be never taken off morphine. I never knew that when the nurses said, “we are trying to make him comfortable”, I never knew those were the last days - or may be i did not want to believe it. Because how could I?

But when I found out that my dad had made a decision to let go because his cancer has reached a stage where he could no longer return, it hit me, hard. How was I to accept that I would be losing my dad for the rest of my life?

My dad was not even 60, I was not even close to graduating. 

But when I saw my dad in true true pain, when we spoke to him for the very last time, we held him. When he was struggling for his life, when he struggled to breathe and he took out his nose oxygen, when they had to put in morphine to ease his pain, when i realised that his body was slowly shutting down while he was in and out of consciousness. 

It was that night, I went home to the B&B and at some point, I told God, “he is in so much pain, and I know that he has reached a point where it is difficult to get better. Please take his pain away Lord, it is hurting him.” 

It was the toughest prayer i have ever told God, it was painful. But it was then I knew how much I had matured, how I stopped being afraid of death - a little bit, may be. I was asking God to take stop my dad’s pain, at the expense of me never ever being able to see him again. It was painful but he was in greater pain than my heartache. I got angry, angry with cancer in itself.

God took him away the following day. My dad fought through the pain to see his two little last wishes, his children. And he fought the bravest fight for 1.5 years, from Singapore and back to England.

The day dad left, we saw two double rainbows. The following day, his image flashed my mind, he was smiling and I noticed myself smiling out the window, just reminiscing his image of when he was young, and not in pain, and I will always remember that youthful smile.

The planning of the funeral was another heart breaking experience. I never thought that I would be planning my dad’s funeral at 25 years old, when my dad was not even 60. 

I think the other toughest part was when I had to carry my dad’s urn to lay him to rest. I remembered walking to the garden of remembrance - my boyfriend was with me, my family was with me but somehow I felt like I was walking with my dad on my own, and I think I needed that, i felt like my dad was taking a stroll with me, by just carrying his urn. But i tried so hard to swallow my tears, because I remembered thinking, “mummy and daddy were the first to hold me when I was born and now, I am carrying my dad to lay him to rest. How did his body become ashes?” I guess it was a painful passing thought.

But I did what I could to honour my dad, because he deserved a beautiful send off and we laid him to rest in January. And if the current situation allows, I do hope to pay respects to my dad yearly.

I cannot forget the many angel in disguises in which God has placed in my life, both emotionally and physically. My family and close friends who prayed constantly and who constantly checked up with kindness and love, even though we were physically far away from each other. I also could not imagine how tough it was for my boyfriend, mum and uncle to witness and understand the situation before I understood it but how could you tell someone they were losing their dad? Yet, he silently supported me throughout.

Grieve only started to hit in January, grieve still hits today, it hits every day, every day and honestly, it never ends. Do i have regrets? Yes, I wished I could have spent more time with him, to be able to speak to him again, to hold him. I just kept thinking that he had time. But I and we will always live on, in memory of him and the loved ones we lost.

I guess, to who ever is reading this, please always remember to look after and treasure your loved ones, friends and family. In today’s busy lifestyle of work and constant work, even if it is just for a short while, check in on your loved ones, make sure they are doing well - mentally and physically, even if it just a simple “how are you doing today?” It goes a long way and it does not take 5 minutes of our busy schedule to do so, they are important. They truly are.

Why did I decide to type this? I don’t know but it took a lot of courage.

Until the next, X.

[thesmallestwonders-blog]

Cried

Have you ever felt like your entire world seems to be crashing as you see it but you are unsure on how to express how you feel? That is how i feel.

The uncertainty. I understand that life is tough, I understand that work consumes each and every part of our bodies, particularly in today’s society. But some times, all we need is a little patience and love, amidst the mess we are in. Of course, it is easier said than done. 

I try to look up on, “how to have self-care” and “how to have mindfulness”. Two questions fills my mind - (1) Can this really be done amidst every mess that we are in? (2) Is this an avenue of me trying to find a way out of a tunnel, in which I never knew I was stuck in?

You see, the thing is, I am known to be strong, I have always been known to be strong since my parents divorce when I was 7 years old. I learnt to not cry because I did not want the ones I love to worry for me.

Honestly, sometimes, just sometimes all I need, truly, is to be heard - no egoism, nothing, just plain old fashion listening. 

[thesmallestwonders-blog]

Crossroads

I feel like, each time i reach the end of an education, I find myself to be in crossroads - then again, perhaps it is normal? I mean, it is the ending of one phase and moving onto another, of course a cross road moment will happen at some point during this time, right? I guess. 

At one point, the phrase “the world is my oyster” zooms through my head but at another point, it is COVID-19, and almost half the world is on a shut down, so i guess the world is not my oyster at this point. Also, I really have to start having an income. 

That being said, I can only pray that my plans will work out from here on wards, and have faith that it’ll work.

[thesmallestwonders-blog]

Life

Okay, so I used to have a blog - in Secondary school, when blogspot was still the thing. I had tumblr for posting aesthetically pleasing photos or just pretty much teenage “i am heart broken” photos - ngl, i am still logged into that account in my phone. But I decided to create this, whether anyone reads it, or not because, well, I am bored, it feels pretty old school and I like it, also I want to type down thoughts of the present, and I can read it one day, in 5 years time, perhaps - take it as a note to the future who knows where abigail is, in 5 years time (????).

If you asked me years ago, I never would have thought to put health at the front line of my life. However, in 2020, so much things has happened and I am at a crossroads of life, I have lost people I love, my dad to cancer this year.

It scares me to realise that, you will never be able to hear them or speak to them again. You see, it made me realise one thing - I have taken the best moments for granted. Moments in which I thought will last forever. That is the thing, none of us are immortal, yet why do we or rather, why do I act like everyone is? 

In the next few months, after seeing cancer take my dad away, I started to realise how important spending time with the ones you love are. I started to realise how fragile life is - the fine line between sleeping and sleeping forever. 

And that is the thing, I started looking at people, even at myself, & this thought passes through, “this is my temporary home.”

And I have accepted that, sure it scares me but that is where Faith steps in as well, isn’t it? And that is where I am still learning to not take the people I love for granted and to honestly, really just honestly, treasure the people around me as much as I can.