thetameabsurd

[thetameabsurd]

Absurd Advice Column (From a Cat)

Dear Biscuit, I’m overwhelmed. Work, dishes, deadlines. Any advice? — Frazzled in Folkestone

Dear Frazzled, Lie on the floor. Stare at nothing. Make someone else do the dishes. Also: nap in a patch of sunlight. Hope that helps. — Biscuit

[thetameabsurd]

📊 PET-BASED TRUTHS (2025 Update)

87% of cats believe they could run the household better

4 out of 5 dogs have no idea what a ‘job’ is but would still like to be Employee of the Month

100% of pets agree: the door must be opened and closed at least twice before going through

[thetameabsurd]

Letter from Chairman Meow

To the Management, I noticed that my dinner was served precisely 43 seconds later than usual today. This breach of protocol has been recorded. Reparations may be made in the form of three (3) extra Dreamies. Do better.

Yours with mild contempt, 🐾 Her Meowjesty

[thetameabsurd]

OFFICIAL NOTICE

Dept. of Internal Monologues Subject: Snack Inventory Discrepancy It has come to our attention that the snack you opened with the intention of "just having one" is now mysteriously empty. A full investigation is underway. Suspects include:

You

Also you

Still you

Please submit a full apology to Future You by 9am tomorrow.

[thetameabsurd]

Photosynthesis is a scam.

This Venus flytrap lives on my windowsill and gets more attention than all my other houseplants combined. I always feel disproportionately proud when I notice it’s caught something.

Yes, I know it still needs sunlight. But it feels like it’s freeloading with flair.

[thetameabsurd]

Introducing our latest: a smug little houseplant with trust issues. “Photosynthesis is a scam.” Available now on Etsy.

[thetameabsurd]

🎓 Official Corgi Statement: You’ve Graduated The cap has been tossed. The tail has been wiggled. The Corgi is delighted (and possibly demanding a post-ceremony biscuit).

"You did it – fur real!"

This printable card brings the pomp and the paws. Designed for dog lovers who like their congratulations with a side of regal nonsense.

📥 Instant download. No waiting. Just print, fold, and celebrate with corgi-level energy.

[thetameabsurd]

🎓 For the Graduate Who’s Cuddly, Clever, and Slightly Chaotic The Cockapoo is so proud — though also slightly confused as to why the tassel isn’t edible. This printable card celebrates your big moment with curly joy and just a hint of mischief.

"You did it – fur real!"

📥 Instant download. No waiting, no shipping. Just print, fold, and deliver fluff-approved congratulations.

[thetameabsurd]

🎓 The Border Collie Has Reviewed Your Work No shortcuts were taken. No margins ignored. No biscuits left unaccounted for. This graduation card has been border-collie-approved — intelligent, precise, and ever so slightly judgy.

"You’ve done well. Now throw the cap. And maybe the ball too."

[thetameabsurd]

🧑‍💻 Cat IT Support

"Your lap has been requisitioned for system updates. Please remain seated. Forever."

🖥️ – Indoor Tabby, Senior Systems Napministrator

[thetameabsurd]

Whether they’re off to Magaluf or Milton Keynes, send them off with a wave, a wink, and a firm “Bon Voyage, Ya Wally!”

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/4318564570/sea-you-soon-printable-farewell-card

[thetameabsurd]

3 Printable Gifts for People Who Speak Fluent Cat

🐾 1. Her Meowjesty’s Throne Wall Art 🧾 2. Certificate of Outstanding Snack Distribution (from the cat) 💌 3. “You May Rise” Father’s Day Card

Whether they rule the kingdom or just the armrest, these printables are made for cat people with a sense of absurdity.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/TheTameAbsurd

[thetameabsurd]

🕵️ Sherlock Bones

Case Notes #3

"Subject was last seen near the biscuit tin. Suspicious crumbs detected. Investigation ongoing."

🦴 Status: snack compromised.

[thetameabsurd]

[thetameabsurd]

Crumbs. Clues. Confessions.

My dearest readers,

The case was baffling. A half-eaten biscuit. A trail of suspicious sprinkles. A sausage roll… missing in action.

Naturally, I sprang into action.

Armed with a magnifying glass, an unhealthy obsession with snacks, and a rather stylish spiral-bound notebook, I documented every crumb, clue, and canine confession.

🕵️‍♂️ Introducing the Official Detective Notes of yours truly - Sherlock Bones.

Now available to the public (for reasons unknown) via a mysterious human known only as “The Tame Absurd.”

140 dotted pages. Soft-touch cover. Zero tolerance for soggy chew toys.

Investigate further here

Yours in absurdity, S. Bones

[thetameabsurd]

[thetameabsurd]

🐱 Her Meowjesty Royal Bulletin #47

"All furniture now belongs to the cat. Any movement will be punished with shedding."

🐾 Long live the fluff.