theunsaidproject

[theunsaidproject]

An ended cycle

I've had the very pleasure of receiving some of my best friends this last July. A week of life, joy and pure happiness. I have lived after a long time. I walked through the woods, I soaked into warm waters at a water park, I had the sun bath me with its rays and warmth. I had the people I love the most surround me, hug me, smile with me. I felt seen and loved, and important again. I lived the way life is supposed to be lived. That happiness still lingers. I do know a cycle with one of the "friends with benefits" is over. I have been thinking it over. I have been thinking about those friends. Those who have crossed that friendship line, just enought to have a view, but not too far to step into romance. I have been thinking of those who have chosen not to stay. I don't know if those people are manifesting me. I don't know if they have been thinking of me. I know for some reason they have been wandering inside my mind. Would I let them come back if they wanted? I've recently proved myself that I can let those people come back if it represents some kind of benefit for me. Would I let those two come back? Most probably not. I hope and I pray that I don't. I really have to make them be ended cycles.

[theunsaidproject]

I gotta write poetry

I desire love as a famished person desires a meal I crave it deep within the abyss of my soul I am uncapable of saying it out loud, though So I keep wishing in my quiet longings I wish I had someone to pick me up from work I wanted to lay down on your chest and pillow you as I rest all of my anguish and get drunk on the smell of your skin Warmed by the flame of your soul and the heat our bodies generate with a simple touch I want to devour your body and merge into one, because I miss the physical touch of another body I live in this constant winter, waiting for the sun within your body to melt the ice caps around my heart Will your lips whisper the breath of life inside my mouth and take me out of this numbness I have been stumbling upon life with? Only the taste of you can feed my craving lonely soul. Make all of my senses feel the pleasure of your existence and use every inch of mine to connect to the tips of you. Love me and dive into me. Connect the mirror of our eyes to each other and see the countless dimensions inside the reflections of our eyes against each other. Limit your body to mine and let us exist in the same space at the same time and break all rules of physics as we prove that is possible. I wanna ruin our friendship, 'cause we'd make better lovers than you credit us. -A

[theunsaidproject]

Not better

December last year I was trying to manifest some good things for my life. It's not something I usually do, but I gave it a try. So here's the update. I asked to work a bit less, and I've never worked so hard in my life. I wanted to have a social life, and I have had absolutely none in the past 2 months. I tried to manifest love, and have never been lonelier. I planned to lead a healthier life, and have not even being able to eat well. I said I'd have won against depression and anxiety, and they are high and uncontrolled again. I said I'd have made some new friends, now I can barely keep contact with the old ones. Things are not better, at all

[theunsaidproject]

What if

What if someone had noticed I was spiraling down? What if someone had payed enough attention to realize the smiles were faked? The "I'm fine"s were lies. That when I do everything by myself without asking for anyone's help I'm actually screaming for assistance? What if someone payed enough attention? But nobody does. They prefer to believe when I lie and say I'm fine. Nobody pays attention to the truth in my sad and tired eyes. They never lie. But I guess it's easier like that. Pretending makes it easier to move on. I always notice. I pay deep attention to those around me. Is it something inherently mine? Are other people uncapable of seeing it? I don't think so. No one pays enough attention to my signs. I wish somebody would take care of me like I take care of others. But that somebody never comes. A lot of it is my fault, definitely. What if someone noticed... Because I'm unable do say it out loud. So if nobody does, it will keep unnoticed.

[theunsaidproject]

12.12

Today is the day. The day to envision, to materialize, to turn it real. I usually am not one to believe on those things, but you know what? Why not? I can see myself being happier next year. I can see myself working a bit less and taking care of myself a lot more. I can see myself being rewarded by all my hard work. Working on myself and increasing my self esteem. I can see myself making new friends. Good friends. I can see myself traveling abroad and renewing my bedroom. Getting more money. I can see my school filled with lots of students. I can see myself dealing less with the fits and scenes of my business associate. She will learn how to respect me or lose me, if that's what fate has reserved for me. I can see myself having more time for my hobbies and my loved ones. Being more energetical. I will go to therapy and heal myself from the things I tell no one. I'll get over my fears and work towards a happier life. I'll eat healthier and exercise more. I will feel less lonely and look for some belonging. I will sleep well and control my anxiety better. I'll fight depression harder and win. I'll be open to love again and meet people interested in being together with me. Universe, help me achieve my dreams and lead a healthier, happier life. Teach me how to ask for help and turn down my walls. Help me be fine for real, at least once. I manifest. I claim. So it be.

[theunsaidproject]

Me again

A new entrance after months of silence. I'm here again. A lot has changed since the last time I've been here. I'm still working at the same place. I'm still working with that business partner. I managed things, like I always do. I guess I got used to that crushing routine of working so much and sleeping so little. I had a period in which I took better care of my body. Well, not anymore. Routine is crazy again, but vacations are 20 days away. So I think I'll be able to breath again, for some time. I'm still isolating myself and I don't think that will change anytime soon. But hey, I managed to spend the weekend with a few friends. The ones who haven't left or don't have better things to do. I'm still nobody's favorite person. I'm single as I have been for the past years. I'm usually alone. Solitude sleeps with me every single night, but I'm ok with that. It's an introspective end of the year. I guess I'll be alone on new year's eve again. Kinda getting used to it. I'm so lazy of relationships and situationships. I managed to spend my year without any romantic contact with absolutely anyone. That's great. I feel cleaner. Oh, I kinda had a crush on someone. But they are younger and immature and I don't think they feel the same. That's alright, though. I'm better off on my own. Counting the days to the end of this year. Surprisingly I made it through.

[theunsaidproject]

It finally happened

Everything blew up and situation got really bad. She said horrible things about me, to other people and to me. There was no respect. And she finally invited me to break our partnership. I can't say how willing I am to do that. I wanna leave this place and never look back. I need to start looking for another job. My life is going to change so much, but I think it is for the better. The time was due. It finally happened.

[theunsaidproject]

The rollercoaster of friendships

Being friends, making friends It is so much easier when you are younger. You have school, events and parties, courses and sports, to help you connect with other people. You have music, and romance and all those crazy little things. It's not the same when you are an adult. I think I finally understand why my parents have only a few friends and why they rarely see each other or do things together. Even with their siblings, they don't meet that often. It is because when you are an adult it gets harder to make and keep friendships. I see groups of adult friends and I admire them. I look up to the way they manage to keep in each others lives and always find moments to be together. I don't have a group of friends. People who are my friends, hang out with other people on weekends. Although I'm part of their lives during weekdays, we all go to different places on weekends. We see different people. Or no people, in my case. But I get it. I understand why. I'm well aware of the reasons and that I am to blame. I accept it. I do want to make new friends, though.

[theunsaidproject]

An echo

Of what I once was. A happy boy with few thoughts once lived within my body. He wasn't afraid of getting hurt or dirty. His mind was simple and he didn't accept what he didn't like. He had no problems stablishing and keeping boundaries. He would fight back, scream back and protect himself at all costs. He was a bit selfish, didn't like to share. He was creative and didn't understand himself very well. He was a well-behaved boy. A scared boy. One who has been beaten and hurt. One who has been neglected. Despite all that he became a cheerful young lad. Surrounded by friends, he was a liar. He lied cause he felt like he wasn't enough. Then he strayed from the right path. He got to know the night and it's darkness. He got way too many secrets. His and others'. His once naiive and bright persona had changed into something different. He was corrupted. He could now question, debate and inquire. He learned about philosophy and the thoughts of the great ones. His stories changed, his morals were twisted and he became a version of himself he sworn not to. But what did that kid know about the world once he made that promise? Nothing. He did what he had to survive. Now he's sleeping into darkness. The cold ground of melancholy. Sadness is his pillow. Pain his blanket. Loneliness is his mattress and self judgement his bed. He's now only an echo of who he once was.

[theunsaidproject]

A June update

Cold has started turning things better. The chilly mornings and evenings of June have lifted my mood. It's like things are getting easier. Almost half of the year has gone by. We even had some rain. I slept deeply last night wrapped by the cool weather. My mind seems to be at ease and my anxiety is slowly decreasing. I know there's a lot of work to do ahead, but for some reason, I feel calmer. There will be Pride soon and I'm excited about it. I have some good friends around and a good feeling has been looming around. I feel kind of okay after a long time. I hope things continue to get better. I'm counting the days till I'm out of this awful place I've been. I think the future holds good things for me. I'll get some good sleep this afternoon.

[theunsaidproject]

It's time to change

It's time to abandon the old me, the old job, the old routine, the old toxic people I'm surrounded with. It's time to start somewhere else, get to know new people, and have a better routine. I want to be happy more than I want to be rich. I want to escape this suffocating routine I'm stuck with. I want to watch the skies, and have an afternoon break. I want to enjoy the silence of nature. I want to wake up at whatever time I want. I'm so tired of this lingering anxiety. I don't want to have to deal with people anymore. I want to become one with nature, and leave society as it is. How I wish I could become the wind or the water and give up on the consciousness I have to live with. Living an ephemeral life I want to prioritize what really matters, rather than what society tells me matters. The old soul in me is overflowing. I want to run away.

[theunsaidproject]

Update June 23

There's quite some time, so I thought I could update. Things have been linear, not in the best way. It's still a lot of work and it has been more and more difficult to deal with my business partner. I know for a fact that I'm not cut out for it. That's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm so unhappy where I am now. Loneliness has become increasingly more bearable. Even when I cry myself to sleep, it doesn't affect me so bad anymore. People are all so far away. My relationships are vain and shallow. My real friends are out there, doing what they ought to do and I haven't been having time or energy to follow around. All my male friends have now gotten girlfriends and no longer have time for me. There's a type of comfort on being this alone. I can get used to it. Problem is once I do I won't comeback to my old extroverted and cheerful self. There's still a lot of grief in my heart and this pressing feeling against my chest. I'm aware I need to look for help. I will...eventually. I miss my star. His smile, his voice, his comforting presence. 4 years have gone and I miss him even more. It appears like everyone else has moved on from him and I haven't. It's really hard to continue living in a world without him. Good thing I have an anchor to keep me breathing. I hope things will be alright.

[theunsaidproject]

Life update after some time

Here I am again, after months. So much has changed I'm not even kidding. Let's begin with the new lives. I now Have a new niece. She was born o January 12th and I recently met her. Although she has nothing to do with it, I know I'm probably not having much contact with her, since me and her father are not on the best terms. Honestly, it is what it is. I do like her and wish the best for her. The second new life is my godson, Henry. He was born on March 22nd and I freaking love him already. He was born prematurely and is still solving some health issues. I hope and believe he will be alright soon. Things are calming down on my business and the routine has been easier on me for these past 2 weeks. Still, there's a lot of sleep and tiredness. I haven't been very social lately and it has not been a problem. Somebody from the past reached out and I still have no patience for that person. Seriously, he could just stop bothering. Not much to tell, honestly. My mental health is getting better. I still feel sad daily, and the financial is slowly going back to normal, but still and issue. Hope good things continue happening to me and I'm thankful for the good things that have happened. There was a loss. An ex-student, father of 2 other students has recently passed away. It was hard, but I was able to cope with it. I was sad for the boys and couldn't help but crying. I want to be there for them. An uneasy feeling has been following me around. My self esteem is low and I've been hating myself. That's a normal friday, though. That's it.

[theunsaidproject]

I'm sad again and it won't leave

Long periods of time feeling absolutely nothing shouldn't be this common to me. There are times of the year in which I feel so exhausted. I'm so unhappy right now. I want to leave all this shit behind and start over. I can't keep doing it anymore. I can't keep on this routine anymore. I wanna quit. However, I haven't been this broke in a long time. I need to save money. I need to make money. I don't want to have to start looking again for a new job, but I think I will. I need to learn again how to fight. How to impose myself. I need to get away from this agony. I can't keep living like this, or I will stop desiring to be alive. I just want it to change. I need this to be over. I haven't been this alone ever.

[theunsaidproject]

A nostalgic end of the year

I don't really know where this little happiness is coming from. It mixes with some nostalgia feeling. It's like I've achieve the end of something great. I can feel this happiness taking over me. I'm filled with joy. I saw rain and fog this morning and I remember thinking "now that's Christmas". I wanna be close to those I love. I wanna travel, live a different routine, watch new series. I like this feeling of freedom. I miss my friends, wanna hug them. I'm so excited. There's been some time I haven't felt like that. I've been thinking of HIM so much, and so often. I miss HIM. I long for HIM. Can't really explain. I hope this end of year is good to me. There has been some time since a year ending has been good. I hope this one is.

[theunsaidproject]

Stumbling through adulthood

I think the title says pretty much what I'm feeling. I am stumbling. I'm surviving but not really living. I feel like I never have enough time for myself. For being with me, and with me only. I have been finding shelter on new series, repeated games and sweets. I wish I could do more, but I'm still just going through life like that. At least I have been able to sleep well lately. That's the best I can do for myself now. Not even music has been able to bring me back to true happiness. I wish happiness was a constant in my life, but it isn't. Happiness has been those particular moments that rarely happen, and don't last enough to have a lingering effect on me. I feel lost and disconnected. That's the absolute truth. I wish I had someone to depend on a bit. Having to do absolutely everything by myself is exhausting. I wish I had someone to take care of me. At the same time, I don't want anyone nearby. I'm a mess.

[theunsaidproject]

Life goes on

I feel like life sometimes finds its own ways to heal us. I myself am a person who doesn't know how to and doesn't like to ask for help. Because of that I go through my worst moments by myself. I don't really go after people when they miss on my life, I accept when people postpone things with me and even when they just disappear. Lately having peace of mind has been my priority. However, I end up getting pretty alone and isolated. I can deal with that, to a certain extent. What worries me most is that I'm easily addicted to solitude. I like it, and I can get used to it pretty quick.

Soon I don't want to see people anymore, or hang out. I'll close myself in my bedroom and not leave at all, unless I have to go to work. I can be ok with that with surprisingly ease.

However, I've noticed life usually gets me back on track. This weekend I really was going to isolate myself once again. But then, one of my best friends just decided to crash on my place. Not only that, but he also invited me to be the godfather of his soon to be born kid. I'm delighted by it.

It is the first time I'm invited like that, even though many of my friends have had babies he's the first one to want me to become part of the family. I'm ecstatic.

Then another friend stopped by to spend some time with me and I video called Lanna. Later, at night, Pedrinho video called me.

So I feel life finds it's own way to put me back on the right path, when it sees that I'm drifting away. And for that, I'm thankful