thevoidofstars

[thevoidofstars]

Update, I guess?

We've been doing surprisingly well, despite all the stress. Either that or I can't remember how much we're struggling.

I've been getting better at communicating with the other alters, at least the ones near front.

We're also working on a balance between external and internal self-care. Been eating better, drinking enough water, and cleaning, but we've also been working through our trauma-related dissociation book and trying to make an extensive "toolkit" of coping skills for our various mental issues. It feels good to get so much done! AND we're trying to not overwhelm ourselves. Usually Fen will dive into things and overload us with activities, but not this time. And we all feel better for it.

-August 🐦

[thevoidofstars]

yes, we have an alter called "the overseer" who manages things internally.

do any other systems have alters whose names are related to their role? we have people called doctor, nurse, guard, etc.

[thevoidofstars]

Update post to my audience of zero! /silly

So basically, there was a huge chain reaction of events/stressors that caused a new alter to split, who now goes by August. He got stuck in front for around 2-ish weeks, I think? Which is weird, because this has never happened before to our knowledge. Usually it's just the host (me, Fen) fronting, with other alters taking control for a few hours at a time before the host takes back over. But this time, it was only August fronting for several days consecutively with some other alters coming forward for a couple hours max.

Since this was so sudden, we started getting worried that the extreme stress had caused a host change. It wasn't a bad change! It was just so fast. And we're really bad at sudden changes, especially big ones.

It just felt weird, for lack of better wording, to be out of front for so long. Kicked my denial to the curb for a moment there. Because August is pretty different from me. She started dressing the body differently, preferring different music, and most jarring of all, could barely contact the rest of the system. They reported only being able to internally communicate with alters that were near front, and barely at that. He also had so much more energy to get things done around the house, somehow? All that to say, I couldn't write it off as me being different for a little bit, because everything changed.

Now that August isn't hogging front as much, the denial is creeping in again. I think it's because those memories are getting foggier by the day, and now I'm worried I made it all up...? August is still very much around, so I can't deny their existence, but...I don't know, really.

Anyway, I'm fronting a lot again, but things are different. I'll probably get into the structural changes in another post.

-Fen

[thevoidofstars]

Going through this blog is interesting because I barely/don't remember most of it. It's like looking at someone else's time capsule

- August 🐦

[thevoidofstars]

I think I'll start posting here more often? It might help to air out some thoughts into the void, idk. Kinda forgot abt this blog

- August 🐦

[thevoidofstars]

It's been a while. We haven't been doing well, but we'll make it. Lack of mental health resources is bringing us down. Fairly certain we're in a mild depressive episode on top of everything else. I want to post more about things, but I'm exhausted. We, collectively, are exhausted.

I hope things get better soon.

- blurry

[thevoidofstars]

It's so over

Y'all we discovered a new alter three (3) days into the new year

[thevoidofstars]

I think Kaine might be around front again but I can't tellll ugh I hate feeling soupy (soupy = can't entirely tell who's fronting).

You know what. I'm "me" enough to work on the system binder. That's something we can do.

- Fen (and maybe Kaine)

[thevoidofstars]

Bros.......

Y'all we discovered a new alter three (3) days into the new year

[thevoidofstars]

How come I get stuck in front after not fronting for a while??? I am not feeling so hot and would like to leave thank you

- Kaine

[thevoidofstars]

Going through operation Improve Memory this year. I made a system binder with alter info (not yet completed because there's over 30 of us lmao), a writing prompt section, therapy note section, and a past memories section. Also started up a collective journal where we can write down thoughts on paper.

We can remember things okay enough when we write down stuff daily, so I'm hoping that this will help. If we remember to do it lol. I have been struggling with therapy because I don't know what to say (emdr has been postponed for a bit, technical difficulties). I have to do something for our memory or we'll never improve our quality of life.

- Fen

[thevoidofstars]

Guys you're never gonna believe this

Y'all we discovered a new alter three (3) days into the new year

[thevoidofstars]

Also nvm this wasn't a fusion but instead a temporary blend that happens about half the time

Also a fusion may have happened, which is good news. Two parts that really needed it. Still unsure as I just figured it out tonight.

[thevoidofstars]

Y'all we discovered a new alter three (3) days into the new year

[thevoidofstars]

So! Last therapy appt. Warning for EMDR talk and general therapy talk

Soo I think therapy went well? I'll have my first real EMDR session in a week and a half. I feel pretty hopeful about it, honestly. If things get too taxing, I can stop it anytime, so I feel pretty comfortable with at least trying it out.

The therapist and I went over how EMDR is going to work, and "created" an internal safe space to go to if the session gets rough. I put created in quotes because I've actually already made a safe space in my previous therapy. So we simulated going through the space, activating the senses, doing all the EMDR grounding stuff. My homework is to go through the safe space as often as feasibly possible before next session.

I also labeled some traumatic events, but might have been too broad about them because my memory really sucks. We did a little "demo" of an EMDR session but I didn't connect to any feelings surrounding the situations. So we'll see if this even works for me lol. All my memories are compartmentalized and I'm an ANP, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to connect in a real session. I guess time will tell?

Also, I seem to be the first person to use their video call stuff? Therapist seemed surprised that it even worked. I'm a few hours away from his office, so this was the only option.

But that's it I think. I'm trying to communicate with other alters about how they feel starting emdr, especially the trauma holders, but I've gotten no feedback yet. Might try to hold an internal meeting today. Those are always frustrating, but I ought to at least attempt it.

[thevoidofstars]

Also a fusion may have happened, which is good news. Two parts that really needed it. Still unsure as I just figured it out tonight.

[thevoidofstars]

Almost switched during therapy today but I fought it off. We were going over important stuff and I didn't want to forget it. Overall the session went well though